Debbie Schlussel — practicing attorney, semi-professional cable news guest, self-appointed film critic, and talented amateur harpy — added yet another accomplishment to a resume which already reads like Baron Münchhausen’s c.v., when she noticed that Sonia Sotomayor and Jennifer Lopez are both of Puerto Rican extraction. This penetrating insight inspired Debbie to don the motley of political satirist and scale to such lofty heights of political humor that, ironically, the resulting hypoxia seems to make it impossible to laugh.
I can’t help but notice that the sole reason So-So (my very appropriate name for Sonia Sotomayor) was chosen as Barack Obama’s nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court is that she shares the life story of J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez.In fact, the lyrics of the cheesy “Jenny From the Block” are basically the reason “Sonia from the Block” was chosen for the highest court in the land (minus the part about “put[ting] G-d first.” It’s just frankly, hilarious.
As you can see, even though Debbie’s glamour shot is 15 years out of date, her comedy is cutting edge and topical.
Our President chose this chick because like, J-Lo, she’s a Puerto Ricana from South Bronx who went from rags to semi-riches. And that’s it. That’s the whole reason. What a joke.
Say what you like about Debbie, she knows how to construct a rational, compelling argument. It’s easy to see why she was attracted to the law, what with it’s plentitude of de jures, ipso factos, and ad hominems.
Guess I’m gonna have to refer to her as “Justice J-Lo,” once she gets confirmed by the Democrat dominated Senate. After all, neither J-Lo or So-So have set any remarkable legal precedent in their lives. Neither have achieved legal greatness, and one of ‘em is about to become a legal Supreme.
While liberals may give lip service to notions of equality, Debbie reminds us that it’s conservatives who truly cherish the ideal that all brown women with foreign names are equal (to each other). Regardless of differences in education or professional stature, as long as they’re brown, be-bootied, and smelling faintly of salsa, a Circuit Judge of the United States Court of Appeals is the moral equivalent of a Fly Girl.
Here are the “Sonia From the Block” Lyrics. Obviously, I’ve substituted her name for “Jenny” and So-So’s “robe” for J-Lo’s “rocks.” She might as well sing this at her confirmation hearing, as it’s basically the Cliff’s Notes version of what we’ve heard from and about her so far this week:
I’m not going to repost Debbie’s entire parody here, for pretty much the same reason I don’t dump used motor oil in our flowerbed, or empty the catbox into the vegetable crisper. But hey, if you’ve ever been curious to see what a SuperFund site looks like, but have no plans to visit New Jersey in the near future, by all means, click on through. And on your own head be it.
I’m goin’ to bed.
Posted by scott on Sunday, May 31st, 2009 at 12:03 am
13 Responses to “Debbie From The Blockhead”
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So if Debbie’s going total misogynist against Ms Sotomayor, and referring to her as a chick, I take it it’s reasonable to reproduce my first thought upon reading this here: “What a bitch.”
I guess I hadn’t considered the misogyny of Little Debbie Crabcake’s column, because I was too distracted by the racism.
Guess I’m gonna have to refer to her as “Justice J-Lo”
Yep, it’s totally out of your hands, you’re just gonna have to.
What a lazy load of crap this column is.
Yep, it’s totally out of your hands, you’re just gonna have to.
What a lazy load of crap this column is.
Gotta hand it to Obama: Sotomayor wasn’t on the whole the best choice (not that reliable on abortion or civil liberties), but she’s acceptable enough that, unlike surreal Bush vassal-candidate Harriet-chan, there’s not really that much reason to knee-jerk oppose her without some kind of a priori reason.
And he went through with it as tradition dictates; the 70-day media cycle that is currently resulting must be Hell to contemplate for strategists more used to the mayfly’s lifespan of information and controversy on the Internet, but it means that for the next 70 days there’s going to be a slugging match between any Republicans who have an even vaguely realistic sense of the mood of the electorate and the shrieking freeper base.
This is what anyone who has two brain cells to rub together and an elected office to lose knows: Sotomayor is an American citizen from an American territory with a name not really that difficult to move between English and Spanish (single-barreled, no Js, Hs, etc) with a respectable history as a judge and a keen intellect.
The next time they face a primary, they’re going to be courting votes from people who think they can’t call Sotomayor an illegal whore of Babylon because of the PCFTA Superhighway. (Not that that stops them.)
And if they win that primary, they’ve got to find a way to keep that from coloring the perceptions of their Latino constituents. And that’s before you even fucking think of 2012.
Debbie, if you were smart you’d walk on eggshells and eat shit. If you put up a fuss about Speedy Gonzales, let alone someone reasonable, you’re basically guaranteeing that your party’s tremendous losses among Hispanics (especially evangelical Hispanics, which could potentially damage The Base even further) will get worse. You’re basically putting Texas and Arizona on the board so you can accuse a Supreme Court nominee of having a critically-acclaimed ass or a Malawian baby or whatever the fuck.
But if you were smart you wouldn’t be a Republican any more, so what can you do? Besides screaming at blacks, I mean.
And he went through with it as tradition dictates; the 70-day media cycle that is currently resulting must be Hell to contemplate for strategists more used to the mayfly’s lifespan of information and controversy on the Internet, but it means that for the next 70 days there’s going to be a slugging match between any Republicans who have an even vaguely realistic sense of the mood of the electorate and the shrieking freeper base.
This is what anyone who has two brain cells to rub together and an elected office to lose knows: Sotomayor is an American citizen from an American territory with a name not really that difficult to move between English and Spanish (single-barreled, no Js, Hs, etc) with a respectable history as a judge and a keen intellect.
The next time they face a primary, they’re going to be courting votes from people who think they can’t call Sotomayor an illegal whore of Babylon because of the PCFTA Superhighway. (Not that that stops them.)
And if they win that primary, they’ve got to find a way to keep that from coloring the perceptions of their Latino constituents. And that’s before you even fucking think of 2012.
Debbie, if you were smart you’d walk on eggshells and eat shit. If you put up a fuss about Speedy Gonzales, let alone someone reasonable, you’re basically guaranteeing that your party’s tremendous losses among Hispanics (especially evangelical Hispanics, which could potentially damage The Base even further) will get worse. You’re basically putting Texas and Arizona on the board so you can accuse a Supreme Court nominee of having a critically-acclaimed ass or a Malawian baby or whatever the fuck.
But if you were smart you wouldn’t be a Republican any more, so what can you do? Besides screaming at blacks, I mean.
Debbie is every bit as mean as Ann Coulter and twice as stupid. What a combination.
So there are basically two ways to fling feces: by being mindful your aim, and your hygiene, or by not caring that you wind up more covered in shit than all your targets combined. As with all who chose the second method, we are left to wonder whether Debbie is too stupid to tell the difference, or simply prefers it that way.
And alec: spot on, but one should always remember that Reagantots like Schlussel won big on their first bet, which is the worst thing that can ever happen to a gambler. They grew up thinking doubling down was the answer to everything, because it got ‘em out of Iran/Contra, it got ‘em out of Reagan’s real economic record, and it tied up a Democratic president for eight years. That was before they hit the Trifecta, as the wise man said. A hundred-year storm put them in charge for thirty years–that, and a crooked election and a venal Press–and anyone who watched all that time knew, knew that anyone in the party who could tell it was a fluke, not an historic realignment of government and the Real Murrica, was keeping his head low and his mouth shut. Now there’s no one to turn to, and they’re going to shrink the party to Dick Cheney’s popularity numbers just to show it who’s boss. Fer chrissakes, these are the people who touted George W. Bush’s intellect.
And alec: spot on, but one should always remember that Reagantots like Schlussel won big on their first bet, which is the worst thing that can ever happen to a gambler. They grew up thinking doubling down was the answer to everything, because it got ‘em out of Iran/Contra, it got ‘em out of Reagan’s real economic record, and it tied up a Democratic president for eight years. That was before they hit the Trifecta, as the wise man said. A hundred-year storm put them in charge for thirty years–that, and a crooked election and a venal Press–and anyone who watched all that time knew, knew that anyone in the party who could tell it was a fluke, not an historic realignment of government and the Real Murrica, was keeping his head low and his mouth shut. Now there’s no one to turn to, and they’re going to shrink the party to Dick Cheney’s popularity numbers just to show it who’s boss. Fer chrissakes, these are the people who touted George W. Bush’s intellect.
I can’t help but notice that the sole reason So-So (my very appropriate name for Sonia Sotomayor)
I liked it better when it was used for the monkey sidekick of Peter Potamus.
I liked it better when it was used for the monkey sidekick of Peter Potamus.
D Sidhe writes: So if Debbie’s going total misogynist against Ms Sotomayor, and referring to her as a chick, I take it it’s reasonable to reproduce my first thought upon reading this here: “What a bitch.”
The part that tickles me about the objections to Sotomayor’s “temperament” is that it revives an ancient stereotype, the “Latin Spitfire”.
So naturally I picture the hotblooded, hotheaded, overagressive Judge screaming “geev eet to heem, beeg boy!” at the bailiff as she sentences a defendant, just like Lupe Velez famously hollered at Errol Flynn in a bar brawl.
The part that tickles me about the objections to Sotomayor’s “temperament” is that it revives an ancient stereotype, the “Latin Spitfire”.
So naturally I picture the hotblooded, hotheaded, overagressive Judge screaming “geev eet to heem, beeg boy!” at the bailiff as she sentences a defendant, just like Lupe Velez famously hollered at Errol Flynn in a bar brawl.
I noticed it too, Bill, but as a chick myself, I try to lay off commenting on other women in a way that is sexist. But if Debbie’s gonna haul out the sexism, I guess it’s okay to use it on her. “What a bitch” is of course an observation on all the creepiness and nastiness there, but “What a honky” just lacks the same impact.
Personally, I think a better tag for the halfwitted hatebombs of Ms. Schussel would be “Things That Make You Vomit Copiously.”
Point taken, D. Sidhe. Besides, other than racists trying to justify their own stupidity(e.g., Not-Joe-the-Not-plumber), who the fuck even uses the word “honky” in 2009?
Our President chose this chick because like, J-Lo, she’s a Puerto Ricana
And chick rhymes with spick, so…
I wonder…if someone had referred to Clarence Thomas as “that boy” ahead of his hearings, what the poutrage on the right would have measured on the Richter Scale?
And chick rhymes with spick, so…
I wonder…if someone had referred to Clarence Thomas as “that boy” ahead of his hearings, what the poutrage on the right would have measured on the Richter Scale?
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