Updated below
Over at American Thinker (“Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”), Ralph Alter has discovered that President Obama is the queerest girly-man who ever flounced through the Vermeil room:
Over at American Thinker (“Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”), Ralph Alter has discovered that President Obama is the queerest girly-man who ever flounced through the Vermeil room:
And who is Ralph Alter, I hear you ask? Why, he’s only the man who discovered that Colin Powell is a big super-queeny clutch purse full of queer-bait, that’s who!
Describing Colin Powell as a Republican is akin to describing Perez Hiltonhttp://www.icelebz.com/celebs/perez_hilton/photo8.htmlas straight.
Some people will inevitably say, “Gee, that Mr. Alter sure seems to see a teh ghey wherever he looks.” But describing Ralph Alter as a closet homosexual is akin to describing him as a man who knows how to properly construct HTML links. Others may say, how can you imply that a man is secretly gay when he has a famously beautiful wife, two adoring children, and isn’t even a Republican? Nevertheless, Ralph is an expert, so we owe it to ourselves to hear him out.
In the same sense that Toni Morrison claimed Bill Clinton was our first black president, Barack Obama could be thought of as another groundbreaker: our first female president. He displays every trope of femininity more than any female “who could ever be elected in our children’s lifetime” (to borrow Morrison’s phrase about Clinton).
I assume that he displays these feminine figures of speech using the dance language of Hula.
Obama is filled with sensitivity
Ralph, on the other hand, is filled with a creamy nougat.
(one might even say, empathy) he would rather talk than fight
As opposed to Bush, who would rather fight and lose a war, than talk and lose an argument.
…is highly (yet selectively) compassionate and to top it all off, he has a finely tuned sense of fashion. B.O. attempts to collaborate with Europeans, South Americans, Muslims and nearly everyone except the citizens of red state America.
Well, to be fair, Europeans, South Americans, and Muslims aren’t always questioning his manhood or calling him a foreign-born Commie. Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.
Oh, and his position on abortion and women’s rights is nearly identical to that of the Choicers at NARAL and NOW.
Just because the Pro-Life side is filled with men desperately trying to gain control of their opponents’ wombs doesn’t necessarily mean all of their opponents have one.
Ms. Magazine felt so simpatico with B.O. that he was featured on their special Inaugural issue cover
Wait, Ms. put a picture of the President on the cover of their Inauguralissue? Who’s editing that piece of crap?
In addition, Obama has surrounded himself with women in most important security and foreign policy positions in his administration. While some might choose to describe BO as our first metrosexual President, the clincher is that, consistent with all outward appearances, the Obama administration fights like a girl.
Whoa, you got your ass kicked by a girl? That is weak, dude. Look — let’s just tell everyone it was Wonder Woman who jumped you, or Xena, or even some random, pissed-off Amazon, ‘kay?
The Axis of Evil has certainly picked up on this. Not a week goes by without Kim Jong-Il or Iran’s Ahmadinejad or some other pipsqueak tin-pot wannabe figuratively bitch-slapping the POTUS. Every week another news story features another fascist thug playing the role of Moe from the Three Stooges to Obama’s Shemp.
As you see, Ralph carefully links to explanations of “bitch-slap,” “Moe,” and “Shemp,” so I guess he thinks we’re all girls, too.
Last week Little Kim East and the Mighty Mahmoud were like tag-team midget wrestlers ganging up on the sputtering Obie One.
As a side note, I’ve known a total of three people who felt the need to call everything and everyone by cute little nicknames — my mother, my grandma, and a girl I briefly dated in college who still kept stuffed animals on her bed. Anyway Ralph, you were saying…?
Down South, Raul and Fidel Castro played their own brand of good cop/bad cop on our Dear Sensitive Leader, while their fellow Latin-American banana-republicans took turns exhorting President BO to join the Great Marxist Books Club and channeling Dennis Miller’s rants of yore with mucho hammering of America.
With the arsenal of the world’s sole remaining superpower available to him, Obama sounds more like the U.N. Secretary General scrambling for the best euphemism to downplay each situation than a serious statesman with the greatest military and economic might on the planet to back him up.
The guy’s been in office over four months and he hasn’t started evenone war yet! And that guy Chavez gave him a book! Hel-LO? What the hell does this wimp need for a casus belli?!
No matter what other qualities our belligerent enemies might have, they are definitely men of action. And regardless of our neophyte President’s desire to chat and make friends, the leaders of North Korea, Syria, Iran and Cuba remain our enemies. No matter how many “stern warnings” and U.N. resolutions you can cook up with the gals down at the U.N. coffee klatch, these busy thugs will keep upping the ante precisely until action is taken against them.
If your erection lasts longer than four years, see your doctor.
Unfortunately, any meaningful action by this administration is highly unlikely, as Obama understands that many Democratic and independent voters, especially women, were eager to move from hard-power locker-room tactics to a soft-power sewing circle approach.
Real men stitch their trouser hems with automatic weapons. While they’re wearing them.
Less towel-snapping and more towel color coordinating, less steroids and more sensitivity.
Remember, if your presidency isn’t a world-historical catastrophe, it means you’re a homo.
In comments, Li’l Innocent says, “Call me genderist, but I always want to see what guys who carry on this way look like. Would I (or anyone) WANT to towel-snap his bottom? Granted, I am not myself either Beyonce or Marilyn Monroe, to choose two ends of a possible icon-spectrum, but I don’t see why snooty objectifying of the other sex should be the exclusive province of grumpy unappealing males.”
Ralph AlterIn Anime they call this “Fanservice,” except you can’t see his panties.
Posted by scott on Friday, June 5th, 2009 at 7:09 pm.
19 Responses to “Queer Eye For The Stupid Guy”
Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.
Okay, that’s me for the night. I’ll be back to read the rest tomorrow when I may possibly have stopped laughing my ass off.
Okay, that’s me for the night. I’ll be back to read the rest tomorrow when I may possibly have stopped laughing my ass off.
American Thinker is just about the worst. Maybe it’s the literally poopy-brown color scheme, or Uncle Sam sitting on I don’t want to know what, or the pretension that any one there has had an original thought in the last forty yrs., but Yuck!
Real men don’t think the worst insult in the world is “girl”.
Grow the fuck up, you half-wit loozah.
Grow the fuck up, you half-wit loozah.
Why can’t guys like Alter vicariously compensate for their inadequacies through sports like the rest of us men?
The article was certain to end soon after these lines:
hard-power locker-room tactics to a soft-power sewing circle approach. Less towel-snapping and more towel color coordinating, less steroids and more sensitivity.
As Ralph’s erection was going to let him do much more “thinking” until his fantasy of being a locker room bottom was played out to conclusion.
hard-power locker-room tactics to a soft-power sewing circle approach. Less towel-snapping and more towel color coordinating, less steroids and more sensitivity.
As Ralph’s erection was going to let him do much more “thinking” until his fantasy of being a locker room bottom was played out to conclusion.
Damn it. I meant “wasn’t”.
Call me genderist, but I always want to see what guys who carry on this way look like. Would I (or anyone) WANT to towel-snap his bottom? Granted, I am not myself either Beyonce or Marilyn Monroe, to choose two ends of a possible icon-spectrum, but I don’t see why snooty objectifying of the other sex should be the exclusive province of grumpy unappealing males.
Also, gotta agree with D. Sidhe on the Right Guard and Lipton’s Soup Mix line… great! and it was damned nice of you not to mention the lingering scent of beer.
Also, gotta agree with D. Sidhe on the Right Guard and Lipton’s Soup Mix line… great! and it was damned nice of you not to mention the lingering scent of beer.
Golly, I’ve made it to the Big Time! thanks, Scott – - Mr. Alter seems secure in his plumpish middle-aged manhood, I must say. In fact I’m surprised. I thought he’d be crabbier-looking. But maybe he was cheerful because the photographer was a buff young stud with a 3-day stubble.
I don’t think I’d want to see his panties, though.
I don’t think I’d want to see his panties, though.
I tend to think of closeted Republicans in one of two ways: the repressed denying-their-sexuality-even-to-themselves type, and the hiding-it-from-the-world-but-still-having-a-good-time-in-private type.
By the smile, I’m going to guess that Ralph belongs in the latter camp, which would, in my view, make him an even bigger jerk.
By the smile, I’m going to guess that Ralph belongs in the latter camp, which would, in my view, make him an even bigger jerk.
Okay, so in the absence of a bio at Uncle Sam Takes a Dump on a Stump I was gonna offer odds that Ralph’s personal war stories involve fighting his draft board for a student deferment. Then I caught the link to his personal website:
“Born in Detroit, Ralph is a 1973 graduate of Wayne State University with a double major in English Literature and Psychology.”
Which we may take a definitive, since we can be absolutely certain that he’d still be wavin’ his dirty socks from a two-week washout in boot camp as an OD Badge of Courage otherwise. It’s followed by:
“An antique dealer and bookseller for over 30 years…”
Which, to be fair, is pretty much like going to war, insofar as the odds of crawling through your buddy’s entrails is about the same.
“Born in Detroit, Ralph is a 1973 graduate of Wayne State University with a double major in English Literature and Psychology.”
Which we may take a definitive, since we can be absolutely certain that he’d still be wavin’ his dirty socks from a two-week washout in boot camp as an OD Badge of Courage otherwise. It’s followed by:
“An antique dealer and bookseller for over 30 years…”
Which, to be fair, is pretty much like going to war, insofar as the odds of crawling through your buddy’s entrails is about the same.
Ralph, on the other hand, is filled with a creamy nougat.
THAT’S NOT NOUGAT!
P.S. Can we discreetly dispose of those bot-links from The Daily Farrt?
THAT’S NOT NOUGAT!
P.S. Can we discreetly dispose of those bot-links from The Daily Farrt?
I stand in awe of your takedown of Ralphie-poo.
I started out thinking of counter arguments and clever rejoinders to that article, but by the third paragraph, all my rhetoric had been reduced to a recurring chorus of “Fuck off, asshole.”
I started out thinking of counter arguments and clever rejoinders to that article, but by the third paragraph, all my rhetoric had been reduced to a recurring chorus of “Fuck off, asshole.”
Dorothy, that’s their secret “debating” technique: to be so infuriatingly obnoxious, obtuse, and something-else-beginning-with-ob that their opponents are left without any obvious starting point for a coherent rebuttal and are reduced to gibbering impotence.
Which is why Scott is a geenyus. (That, and turns of phrase like, “Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”.)
Which is why Scott is a geenyus. (That, and turns of phrase like, “Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”.)
Sweater vest? Antiques dealer? The projection is strong with this one.
Uncle Sam Takes a Dump on a Stump
Thank you again, Mr. Riley.
I’m still chuckling.
Thank you again, Mr. Riley.
I’m still chuckling.
Not that “OD Badge of Courage” is anything to scoff at.
“Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.” My girlfriend (a teacher) was saying that when a boy in her class hits puberty, he’ll smell like he had a flea bath in “Axe” deodorant !
Shouldn’t Ralph Alter have ended his column “Heterosexually yours” like Jesus’s General ??
Shouldn’t Ralph Alter have ended his column “Heterosexually yours” like Jesus’s General ??
he has a finely tuned sense of fashion.
Look, just because the guy’s ties don’t strobe when he holds a press conference AND gets his wardrobe consultations by some of the finest American stylists does NOT make HIS sense of style “finely tuned”!
Scott? Who is Alter married to that is so “famously beautiful”? That bowl-haired clown that looks like Mrs Shemp?
Look, just because the guy’s ties don’t strobe when he holds a press conference AND gets his wardrobe consultations by some of the finest American stylists does NOT make HIS sense of style “finely tuned”!
Scott? Who is Alter married to that is so “famously beautiful”? That bowl-haired clown that looks like Mrs Shemp?
No comments:
Post a Comment