The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Conversation You Never Want To Have With Your Cats Edition

“Your marmalade and I are very worried about you…”
“Are you on drugs?  You’re on drugs, aren’t you.”

Posted by scott on Friday, April 17th, 2009 at 9:19 pm.

7 Responses to “Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Conversation You Never Want To Have With Your Cats Edition”

Y’know, darlin’, as perfect as that picture is to portray THEM as the just-say-no parents, I think that we allllll already know who has a catnip-dependency issue over there…
Is this forced perspective or is one cat basically big enough to eat the other one?
Optical illusion — they’re roughly the same size and exactly the same weight. Although the tuxedo, Riley, appears bigger from above because her full-body dewlap tends to puddle when she stretches out on the floor.
Even with a “full-body dewlap,” Riley is STILL far beyond “svelte” on the other-side-of-fat scale. Compared to MAH spoiled-rotten and calorie-challenged chirrens, Riley is KATE MOSS and Moondoggie is Calista Flockhart.
When His Royal Majesty sprawls out on the floor, in full winter coat and ruff, if he doses off and shuts his eyes, he looks like somebody gutted a black alpaca and made it into a rug. A FULL-GROWN alpaca.
When HER Royal Highness cocks over on her side like a horse lying down with severe colic, she looks like one of those poor steers in the hoof & mouth mass-grave trough in… was it “HUD” or “GIANT”??? You know the one I’m talking about. A little-bitty ol’ Biddy of a cat, with the beer gut of two teamsters, looking like a methane-inflating dead cow. Flattering, huh. Yeah, I know. But they’re both perfect to me, except that elderly cats can get so fucking GROSS. Sheesh.
If, through some sick twist of fate/freak of nature, that I happen to live that long, Y’ALL HAVE ***GOT*** TO PULL THE PLUG!!!!!!
And yes, I know that Moondoggie is a dude, but even Lyle Lovett ain’t THAT skinny. Can you imagine him with Calista? They’d start a brush fire, all those raspy, underfed bones clanking and scraping against one another… Like Cali needs more freaks-of-nature fires, or freaks, period…
“Are you on drugs? You’re on drugs, aren’t you.”
No, Mom, I just wanted a Pepsi!
…heh heh heh… why in the fuck didn’t I think of Suicidal Tendencies?

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