When we last left Apollo and Hyacinthus (Once, in the heat of a summer afternoon, the lovers stripped naked, sleeked themselves with olive oil, and tried their hand at discus throw…)– oops, sorry, I mean Doug Giles and Professor Dr. Mike Adams, Pastor Doug had just delivered a sermon on squelching sassy secularists, which was either an attempt to set a Guiness Book record for alliteration, or simply a case of product placement, with Doug’s being the first Townhall column to be sponsored by the Letter “S.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Mike, though neither a clergyman nor theologian, has divined that fighting secularism is pointless, if the alternative is people wandering around worshipping God in their own idiosyncratic fashion, rather than receiving the Holy Spirit in the top-down, gravity-fed method favored by traditional faiths and enema nurses.
…or DO I?
P.S. Is it even worth noting that while Dr. Mike “loves” and forgives his male friend, and begs “Scott” to accompany him to Sunday service, none of the women he mentions (i.e., the abortion-funding, home-wrecking vago-heretics who are underwriting cutlery for Charles Manson when they’re not buying a divorce on credit) seem to merit a similar invitation to Port City Church?
Meanwhile, Dr. Mike, though neither a clergyman nor theologian, has divined that fighting secularism is pointless, if the alternative is people wandering around worshipping God in their own idiosyncratic fashion, rather than receiving the Holy Spirit in the top-down, gravity-fed method favored by traditional faiths and enema nurses.
…or DO I?
Last summer, I was sitting by the pool with a friend I will call Scott.I really wish you wouldn’t.
We were at a wedding in Dallas and were staying at the Crescent Hotel on the same floor with the Phoenix Suns. We spent most of our time at the pool, which had nothing to do with the fact that Steve Nash’s wife also spent most of her time there in a bikini.Considering this is the gynophobic Dr. Mike reporting, that’s probably the only accurate statement in the piece. Unless she was flipping through a book of Tom of Finland etchings and he was in a good position to peek over her shoulder.
Fortunately, though, our conversation did eventually center on issues of personal morality and ethics.I hear ya, man. Whenever I’ve hung out by the pool on a hot summer day with a bunch of other dudes, drinking beer and leering at chicks in skimpy swimwear, the cat-calls, wolf whistles, and raunchy boasts always turn to discussions of Thomas Aquinas. You can set your watch by it.
Scott told me he had raised his kids in the church and believed in God although he had not been to church regularly in a number of years.Which means, of course, that he was LYING! Saying you believe in God but don’t attend church is like calling yourself a bodybuilder but never going to the gym!
He said he felt no guilt over his absence from church. After all, it was a weekend business that kept him from attending. And, besides that, he said he was leading a “moral life” without going to church.
Immediately, I asked myself the crucial question:“Why is my life a hollow lie?”
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”Exactly! By the same reasoning, why should I trust your opinion that orangutans exist if you never go to the zoo?
I also thought about some other people I had known who thought their lives were moral either without church or without God altogether.Or to be more precise, I also thought up some other fictional, morally inferior friends who would help me to make a point without having to get my brow sweaty with reasoning or my hands filthy with facts.
One was an atheist I dated in college when I was also an atheist.Doug recanted and joined the church when he realized the Christian dudes were getting all the good Headship, while he was stuck with a pair of passive purple four-balls.
When asked about God she would frankly tell people “I don’t believe in all that s**t. But if there is a God, I will be saved because of my willingness to help others in need.” To her credit, she did help others in need. In fact, she gave her friend $400 when she became pregnant unexpectedly and “needed” an abortion.
Interestingly, my atheist girlfriend claimed to have been a victim of moral wrongdoing when her friend refused to pay her back after the abortion.Well, abortion is a gateway drug, and as we all know, it’s just one small step from murdering your baby to defaulting on your credit card debt.
It would be years later – after I converted to Christianity – that I realized why her friend never paid her back. She was doing everything she could to forget about the abortion. And she resented my girlfriend for funding the biggest mistake of her life.That’s why Ken Lay bitterly resented the Enron shareholders who gave him their money to steal.
From time to time, I also think of one of my former colleagues at UNC-Wilmington. Shortly after I overcame atheism and joined a church I asked her what her religious affiliation was.“Because I don’t like to just come out and ask a woman what her cup size is. I like to break the ice with a little general chit-chat first before I hit her with a personal question.”
She said “I’m not anything.” She added that she lived her life according to the principle of helping others.She even thought that underaged gays who had abortions should be allowed to harvest the genitals of their dead fetuses for use in their own sex change surgery. And I am totally not making that up!
Like my former girlfriend, she was staunchly pro-choice. She was also a big advocate for gay rights. She was involved extensively in helping young people “come to terms” with their sexuality. She even believed that minors should be allowed to have sex changes if that is what they wanted.
This notion of giving both emotional and monetary support to a neighbor only with regard to the recipient’s will is precisely why man needs church to lead a moral life.‘Cause what happens you loan some chippie a double sawbuck to get her plumbing flushed and she don’t pay the vig? Well, the reverand, he’s gonna go down there and make her cough up for the collection plate, know what I’m sayin’?
I am tempted to ask some of these indiscriminant do-goodersNothing worse than a charity that refuses to discriminate.
…whether they would loan Charles Manson a knife under the principle of always helping a fellow human in need. But, instead, I will take a few moments to quote Jesus of Nazareth who said it best as recorded in the Gospel of Matthew
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and Prophets.”
Two things are important, here. First, the commandment to love God comes before the commandment to love our neighbors.“So even though I’m an asshole, I’m off on a technicality! YES!”
Second, the two great commandments are “like” one another but they are not one and the same.I’m pretty sure that’s why they numbered them.
I am writing this column for Scott because I have just learned of his most recent attempt to help a fellow human being in need. Just a few years after he spent $30,000 on his daughter’s wedding, I am told he has written a check to her for about $3000. It seems his daughter has decided that she has become more “liberated” and “independent” and, thus, is in “need” of a divorce from her husband. And, of course, she “needed” a loan to pay the lawyer’s retainer.And I’m sure “Scott” appreciates the passive-aggressive tone, the broadcasting of his family troubles, and the multitude of little strawmen you’ve scattered around the text for him like you’re the frigging Blair Witch. Boy, you’re lucky he’s fictional or Scott might just kick your ass.
Is it Godly and right to fund the wedding of two people in love? Is it also right to fund a divorce based solely on the personal needs of one party?I don’t mind you loading the question, but I urge you to check the inspection certificate, because I’m pretty sure you’ve seriously exceeded the maximum load capacity.
I would argue that without reading the Word of God and attending church these questions cannot be seriously resolved.Do you have to go to church in order to decide that this divorce (hell, any divorce) is the fault of the woman? Can’t we just take it for granted that whenever a marriage breaks up, it’s because the spoiled bitch got her ass all “liberated” and “independent?” I mean, we don’t need church for that, Dr. Mike, that’s what we’ve got you for.
I hope Scott will join me at Port City Church this Sunday in Wilmington. I also hope he knows I love him regardless of his decision.…to squirt charcoal lighter fluid all over his daughter’s bra and throw it on the barbecue. Some day he’ll realize that the love between a father and his child is fine, but it’s nothing compared to the love between Dr. Mike and his sock puppets, because the latter has that soupçon of Old Testament-style wrath that keeps the fictional chicks on their toes.
Finally, I hope every churchgoer will join me in asking five friends to church this Sunday. We all need to take the time to reach out to others and help them walk with God.Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street.
Life is full of uncertainty but without God two things really are certain: We will make a mess of our lives, and we will help others do the same.And this is the one area in which Dr. Mike’s help could be described as indiscriminate. So only hang out with imaginary people; that way, when you screw up their lives, or expose their private matters in print, they won’t be able to sue you. Now if you’ll pardon Dr. Mike, he’s got a bowling date with Bunbury, George Glass, and Harvey the Rabbit.
P.S. Is it even worth noting that while Dr. Mike “loves” and forgives his male friend, and begs “Scott” to accompany him to Sunday service, none of the women he mentions (i.e., the abortion-funding, home-wrecking vago-heretics who are underwriting cutlery for Charles Manson when they’re not buying a divorce on credit) seem to merit a similar invitation to Port City Church?
68 Responses to “Dr. Mike Denounces His Imaginary Friends To The Inquisition”
And I’m sure “Scott” appreciates the passive-aggressive tone, the broadcasting of his family troubles, and the multitude of little strawmen you’ve scattered around the text for him like you’re the frigging Blair Witch. Boy, you’re lucky he’s fictional or Scott might just kick your ass
Mary, is it okay if I just sort of sit here quietly and idolize Scott for a few minutes?
No shit, Dr Mike, I know some pretty friggin’ unlikely people (the neighbor who is mad at Bush for liberating the Iraqis after they took down the Towers, for example). I mean, hell, I *am* some unlikely people. But even I know how to put together a more realistic anecdote than that. The fucking *zombies* aren’t even buying this crap.
Mary, is it okay if I just sort of sit here quietly and idolize Scott for a few minutes?
No shit, Dr Mike, I know some pretty friggin’ unlikely people (the neighbor who is mad at Bush for liberating the Iraqis after they took down the Towers, for example). I mean, hell, I *am* some unlikely people. But even I know how to put together a more realistic anecdote than that. The fucking *zombies* aren’t even buying this crap.
Wow. How does this guy remain so consistant in his assholery?
“Is it Godly and right to fund the wedding of two people in love? Is it also right to fund a divorce based soley on the personal needs of one party?”
I guess that depends on who the people are. If I was Mikey’s father-in-law, then, “NO!” and “YesYesYesYesYes!!!!”
And it’s amazing how Mikey has those mind-reading powers, and knows exactly what a woman who had an abortion is thinking. Especially since his total lack of empathy for women makes him unable to hear the word “vagina” without wigging out.
I HATE this guy. Truly fucking hate him. That’s not something I’m all that proud of. I try my hardest to NOT hate anybody. The list of people I truly feel that way about is pretty short.
I’m guessing the list of people HE hates is pretty long.
I’m also guessing the list of people who hate him is even longer.
“Is it Godly and right to fund the wedding of two people in love? Is it also right to fund a divorce based soley on the personal needs of one party?”
I guess that depends on who the people are. If I was Mikey’s father-in-law, then, “NO!” and “YesYesYesYesYes!!!!”
And it’s amazing how Mikey has those mind-reading powers, and knows exactly what a woman who had an abortion is thinking. Especially since his total lack of empathy for women makes him unable to hear the word “vagina” without wigging out.
I HATE this guy. Truly fucking hate him. That’s not something I’m all that proud of. I try my hardest to NOT hate anybody. The list of people I truly feel that way about is pretty short.
I’m guessing the list of people HE hates is pretty long.
I’m also guessing the list of people who hate him is even longer.
I’m also guessing the list of people who hate him is even longer.
Add one more.
Add one more.
Great post, I’ll be passing this along and then re-reading it again as I’m pretty sure I’ll laugh just as hard as the first time I read it. Oh yeah, I still have the mental image of god crossing the street to avoid this numbnut. Ha-ha-ha
Oh, and I just realized: he equated woman who have abortions, gay teens, and transgendered persons with Charles Manson.
ASSHOLE!
Show of hands-how many people are skeptical that he was ever really an atheist?
ASSHOLE!
Show of hands-how many people are skeptical that he was ever really an atheist?
Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street. and suddenly needs to check His watch very, very closely in order to avoid eye contact.
Bill S:
Of course he wasn’t an atheist. However, there seems to be a meme among born-agains who want to preach to the masses, along the lines of “I used to be an atheist but I got better”. Sometimes it’s not atheism they recovered from; sometimes it’s drug abuse or teh gay, but the important thing is they got better.
Except, of course, their descriptions of their lives before they got better rarely match those of people who really are atheists, or drug users, or gay.
Of course he wasn’t an atheist. However, there seems to be a meme among born-agains who want to preach to the masses, along the lines of “I used to be an atheist but I got better”. Sometimes it’s not atheism they recovered from; sometimes it’s drug abuse or teh gay, but the important thing is they got better.
Except, of course, their descriptions of their lives before they got better rarely match those of people who really are atheists, or drug users, or gay.
And that’s a really serious burn, Rugosa, what with God being omniscient and all, so he doesn’t ever actually have to look at his watch. It’s so transparent a ploy that it’s grievously insulting!
(And God has even less need to check the time if he doesn’t exist.)
(And God has even less need to check the time if he doesn’t exist.)
Yeah, there’s really no comparison between Dr. Mike and Doug Giles. Doug is a comically un-self-aware lunatic, to be sure, but I would categorize him as mostly harmless. Dr. Mike, on the other hand, is just one of the biggest assholes around. As far as his columns go, this one is actually comparatively mild, but he’s still one of the world’s worst people.
Really? To be honest, he seems like the kind of shallow little dick who would have owned a copy of The Satanic Bible in high school in the vain hopes of impressing, um, girls. Probably girls. No, definitely girls.
I would argue more that it’s not so much he was an atheist and he’s “overcome” it (Btw, Dr Mike, they have creams and stuff for that now) but that he *still* doesn’t really believe in God–or at least not in any kind of God who will do anything to him when he dies.
My money’s on waffling agnostic since his mom stopped making him go to church, just trying to be part of something that lets him feel better about hating people who aren’t as good as he is.
I would argue more that it’s not so much he was an atheist and he’s “overcome” it (Btw, Dr Mike, they have creams and stuff for that now) but that he *still* doesn’t really believe in God–or at least not in any kind of God who will do anything to him when he dies.
My money’s on waffling agnostic since his mom stopped making him go to church, just trying to be part of something that lets him feel better about hating people who aren’t as good as he is.
(D’oh. My comment was in reply to Bill and Randall.)
Randall, by “got better” do you mean “became a huge dickhead”?
Dr. Professor Mike, PhD, strikes me as someone who changes his staunchly-held opinions to match whatever is “in” this week.
Anything to be cool.
Anything to be cool.
Harvey the Rabbit
technically, Harvey was a pooka*.
*“P O O K A – Pooka – from old
Celtic mythology – a fairy spirit in animal form – always very large. The
pooka appears here and there – now and
then – to this one – and that one – a
benign but mischievous creature – very
fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are
you, Mr. Wilson?”
technically, Harvey was a pooka*.
*“P O O K A – Pooka – from old
Celtic mythology – a fairy spirit in animal form – always very large. The
pooka appears here and there – now and
then – to this one – and that one – a
benign but mischievous creature – very
fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are
you, Mr. Wilson?”
Oh, I suspect Dr. Mike’s atheist girlfriend was very real.
Not only that… it appears she may be the very key to understanding all that sits at the nexus of this man we call Dr. Mike.
Richard Bartholomew recognized as much a few years ago:
This conversion narrative is actually quite commonplace: the most pious Christian becomes the bitterest atheist, or vice versa, and the most dogmatic Marxist becomes the most strident neo-con. Of course, although Adams gives us the triggers for his conversion, we are left to guess at the underlying psychological aspects: however, his post-conversion fear and loathing of feminists and his assertions of masculinity are suggestive. In a January 2005 article, Adams tells us that he announced his atheism publicly in 1992, which would be four years after getting rid of his Bible. He had an unhappy break with his atheist girlfriend the very next day, although this was “my first step on the road to freedom”.
And here Mike spins his yarn, bookending it with those hints at the truth:
I still remember the night I publicly declared my atheism. It was April 3rd, 1992…
…”Are you really an atheist” he asked. He assured me he didn’t mean to pry and that he was merely concerned. He didn’t have to tell me that. His reaction gave him away. It was a reaction he could not have possibly faked.
That law student, whose name I have forgotten, made no effort to convert me on the spot. But he did plead with me to pick up a copy of Mere Christianity…
Years later, I read Mere Christianity and it did have a great effect upon me. But, recently, I was thinking about what really drove me to read the book. How could I have remembered the title of a book I heard only once? After all, it was many years before at the end of a long night of drinking in a bar in Mississippi.
The answer is simple. The advice was given to me by someone who sincerely considered the matter to be urgent. And that sense of urgency was conveyed without a trace of anger. It was just a matter of one human being communicating his concern for another without being pushy and holier-than-thou.
…
When my relationship with my atheist girlfriend ended on April 4th, 1992, I thought it was the end of the world. I didn’t know I had just taken my first step on the road to freedom. I certainly didn’t believe in divine intervention. But I do now.
You see… His girlfriend broke up with him.
A profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily he was able to interpret this trauma correctly: It was the Lord Himself, reaching down His hand to save Dr. Mike from that depraved, feminist succubus and her man-eating vagina dentata.
He never even really liked her anyways. Pfft. Her and her “liberated” atheistic sexuality. Not. Even. At. All.
Not only that… it appears she may be the very key to understanding all that sits at the nexus of this man we call Dr. Mike.
Richard Bartholomew recognized as much a few years ago:
This conversion narrative is actually quite commonplace: the most pious Christian becomes the bitterest atheist, or vice versa, and the most dogmatic Marxist becomes the most strident neo-con. Of course, although Adams gives us the triggers for his conversion, we are left to guess at the underlying psychological aspects: however, his post-conversion fear and loathing of feminists and his assertions of masculinity are suggestive. In a January 2005 article, Adams tells us that he announced his atheism publicly in 1992, which would be four years after getting rid of his Bible. He had an unhappy break with his atheist girlfriend the very next day, although this was “my first step on the road to freedom”.
And here Mike spins his yarn, bookending it with those hints at the truth:
I still remember the night I publicly declared my atheism. It was April 3rd, 1992…
…”Are you really an atheist” he asked. He assured me he didn’t mean to pry and that he was merely concerned. He didn’t have to tell me that. His reaction gave him away. It was a reaction he could not have possibly faked.
That law student, whose name I have forgotten, made no effort to convert me on the spot. But he did plead with me to pick up a copy of Mere Christianity…
Years later, I read Mere Christianity and it did have a great effect upon me. But, recently, I was thinking about what really drove me to read the book. How could I have remembered the title of a book I heard only once? After all, it was many years before at the end of a long night of drinking in a bar in Mississippi.
The answer is simple. The advice was given to me by someone who sincerely considered the matter to be urgent. And that sense of urgency was conveyed without a trace of anger. It was just a matter of one human being communicating his concern for another without being pushy and holier-than-thou.
…
When my relationship with my atheist girlfriend ended on April 4th, 1992, I thought it was the end of the world. I didn’t know I had just taken my first step on the road to freedom. I certainly didn’t believe in divine intervention. But I do now.
You see… His girlfriend broke up with him.
A profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily he was able to interpret this trauma correctly: It was the Lord Himself, reaching down His hand to save Dr. Mike from that depraved, feminist succubus and her man-eating vagina dentata.
He never even really liked her anyways. Pfft. Her and her “liberated” atheistic sexuality. Not. Even. At. All.
Real Scott: You abso-fuggin-lutely THE man (maybe even the man & a half) both for reading these morons’ crap, & then ripping it to shreds to put in the litter box!! Very little for me to add, though I must question Dr. Dipshit’s statement that the Suns were in Big D “last summer,” unless the team travels together during the off-season to get group travel discounts. Not that you’d find me (or anyone w/ a lick of sense) in Dallas at any time, but the summer? NFW! (Just to be absolutely fair to him [why, Bouff, why, he's not fair to common sense or anything else] his idea of “summer” may be whenever he’s not poisoning young minds @ East Podunk State Teachers College, & may have no connection to actual seasons or any other empirical reality. (Why should his take on the seasons be any different?)
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
How does one know he follows a healthy life-style if he never consults a gypsy tarot-reader?
How does one know if he is driving in the right direction if he doesn’t sacrifice a cock to Asklepios?
How does one know he follows a healthy life-style if he never consults a gypsy tarot-reader?
How does one know if he is driving in the right direction if he doesn’t sacrifice a cock to Asklepios?
I kind of effed up the italics up there.
Dr. Mike quote ends “… I certainly didn’t believe in divine intervention. But I do now.”
Dr. Mike quote ends “… I certainly didn’t believe in divine intervention. But I do now.”
Preznit, I always had the impression that Harvey was a tulpa. I could be wrong about that. It struck me as a sort of parable about creating your own reality and inviting others to join you there, a surreal enticement to a semi-utopian vision where we cast off the things that are unimportant and learn to enjoy our birthright of idealism and imagination that most of us eventually shed for functioning, normal adulthood.
Or, it might be my young schizophrenic hallucinations and my personal lust for vindication, but whenever I watched it I always had the feeling that Harvey was obviously real, and that someday he was going to get them.
Or, it might be my young schizophrenic hallucinations and my personal lust for vindication, but whenever I watched it I always had the feeling that Harvey was obviously real, and that someday he was going to get them.
“It must feel like hobbling around with a fleshy sack of Clackers.
Ahhhhhhhh, you never lose a taste for the classics… heh heh heh…
(Although, in my day, they were called “Click-Clackers” — but you know how us Suth’ners are all poetic-like as shee-yutt, just ask Tennessee Williams.)
“…indiscriminant do-gooders…”
As an atheist, a very pro-abortion heathen, and a very specific do-gooder, I’m getting the vibe that I need to have a very severe conversation with “Dr.” Mike’s kneecaps, using my four-way tire-tool as an interpreter.
“This notion of giving both emotional and monetary support to a neighbor only with regard to the recipient’s will is precisely why man needs church to lead a moral life.”
Yeah, ’cause, y’know, before you HELP people, you need to JUDGE THEM and decide, as your gawd’s/invisible sky-friend’s Amway Agent On Earth, whether they A) “Deserve” such help, B) if what they “need” this money for is WORTHY of your precious lucre, and if so, will it enhance YOUR brownie-points towards “Heaven”/”Valhalla”/”name-your-mormon-planet-here” in giving it, and C) is this bitch going to hit you up for even MORE money once you finally get a job?!?!?!
After all, that’s the general thought process that brought such brilliant, expedient, and thoroughly unbiased “help” to the victims of Hurricanes Katrina & Rita, right?
Y’know, after Dumbya got off of vacation and actually stopped pretending that he wasn’t GRINNING HIS ASS OFF THROUGH EVERY FUCKING “BRIEFING” THAT HE LATER CLAIMED TO HAVE NEVER HAD WHILE PEOPLE WERE DYING IN THE STREETS AND IN THEIR HOMES ALL OVER THE FUCKING GULF COAST!!!!!!
*ahem*
“Do you have to go to church in order to decide that this divorce (hell, any divorce) is the fault of the woman? Can’t we just take it for granted that whenever a marriage breaks up, it’s because the spoiled bitch got her ass all “liberated” and “independent?” I mean, we don’t need church for that, Dr. Mike, that’s what we’ve got you for.”
Dangling participles aside, Mary, I must also submit my desire to express platonic-crush-like admiration for Scott on a level which might worry you if you didn’t already know that I’m an ornery old spinster who has no designs to plunder your man-treasure-chest whatsoever.
“Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street.”
Scott, darling, you have got to print, frame, and BRONZE that motherfucker, ’cause you can use it on SOOOOOOOOO many fucking bible-banging fucktards, oh, the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!
I wonder if Tammy Faye’s already been cremated, or if there’ll be a stone on which to inscribe it…
And in re: the P.S., no, it’s beyond farce to note that he only “loves” and “begs” his MALE imaginary friends by now, dear. Rather gilding the lily.
And Bill, darling, fear not. You are not shaving-off your innate goodness by hating this pud-thucker, you are merely showing the gut-true reaction of a moral and semi-sane person when shown an example of the sickest forms of discriminatory (and quite relevatory) passive-aggressive hatred and ignorance allowable by law in this country. In other words, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like it wants to FUCK that duck, then you should probably take a hearty swing at it with a baseball bat. Your reaction is not only purely natural, but to be lauded, as further proof that 27 years of Reaganomics have not shredded your moral fibre one bit.
“I would argue more that it’s not so much he was an atheist and he’s “overcome” it (Btw, Dr Mike, they have creams and stuff for that now) but that he *still* doesn’t really believe in God–or at least not in any kind of God who will do anything to him when he dies.”
BWUAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!
Great insight, D. Heh. And if there was anybody who deserved to have Harvey (a very old, crotchety, not so much whimsical as SADISTIC pooka, who would torment “Dr.” Mike into a very swift and severe suicide), Mike’s the guy.
Ahhhhhhhh, you never lose a taste for the classics… heh heh heh…
(Although, in my day, they were called “Click-Clackers” — but you know how us Suth’ners are all poetic-like as shee-yutt, just ask Tennessee Williams.)
“…indiscriminant do-gooders…”
As an atheist, a very pro-abortion heathen, and a very specific do-gooder, I’m getting the vibe that I need to have a very severe conversation with “Dr.” Mike’s kneecaps, using my four-way tire-tool as an interpreter.
“This notion of giving both emotional and monetary support to a neighbor only with regard to the recipient’s will is precisely why man needs church to lead a moral life.”
Yeah, ’cause, y’know, before you HELP people, you need to JUDGE THEM and decide, as your gawd’s/invisible sky-friend’s Amway Agent On Earth, whether they A) “Deserve” such help, B) if what they “need” this money for is WORTHY of your precious lucre, and if so, will it enhance YOUR brownie-points towards “Heaven”/”Valhalla”/”name-your-mormon-planet-here” in giving it, and C) is this bitch going to hit you up for even MORE money once you finally get a job?!?!?!
After all, that’s the general thought process that brought such brilliant, expedient, and thoroughly unbiased “help” to the victims of Hurricanes Katrina & Rita, right?
Y’know, after Dumbya got off of vacation and actually stopped pretending that he wasn’t GRINNING HIS ASS OFF THROUGH EVERY FUCKING “BRIEFING” THAT HE LATER CLAIMED TO HAVE NEVER HAD WHILE PEOPLE WERE DYING IN THE STREETS AND IN THEIR HOMES ALL OVER THE FUCKING GULF COAST!!!!!!
*ahem*
“Do you have to go to church in order to decide that this divorce (hell, any divorce) is the fault of the woman? Can’t we just take it for granted that whenever a marriage breaks up, it’s because the spoiled bitch got her ass all “liberated” and “independent?” I mean, we don’t need church for that, Dr. Mike, that’s what we’ve got you for.”
Dangling participles aside, Mary, I must also submit my desire to express platonic-crush-like admiration for Scott on a level which might worry you if you didn’t already know that I’m an ornery old spinster who has no designs to plunder your man-treasure-chest whatsoever.
“Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street.”
Scott, darling, you have got to print, frame, and BRONZE that motherfucker, ’cause you can use it on SOOOOOOOOO many fucking bible-banging fucktards, oh, the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!
I wonder if Tammy Faye’s already been cremated, or if there’ll be a stone on which to inscribe it…
And in re: the P.S., no, it’s beyond farce to note that he only “loves” and “begs” his MALE imaginary friends by now, dear. Rather gilding the lily.
And Bill, darling, fear not. You are not shaving-off your innate goodness by hating this pud-thucker, you are merely showing the gut-true reaction of a moral and semi-sane person when shown an example of the sickest forms of discriminatory (and quite relevatory) passive-aggressive hatred and ignorance allowable by law in this country. In other words, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like it wants to FUCK that duck, then you should probably take a hearty swing at it with a baseball bat. Your reaction is not only purely natural, but to be lauded, as further proof that 27 years of Reaganomics have not shredded your moral fibre one bit.
“I would argue more that it’s not so much he was an atheist and he’s “overcome” it (Btw, Dr Mike, they have creams and stuff for that now) but that he *still* doesn’t really believe in God–or at least not in any kind of God who will do anything to him when he dies.”
BWUAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!
Great insight, D. Heh. And if there was anybody who deserved to have Harvey (a very old, crotchety, not so much whimsical as SADISTIC pooka, who would torment “Dr.” Mike into a very swift and severe suicide), Mike’s the guy.
Someone, somewhere (sorry I can’t remember who) once said that the churchies were probably LESS moral than the average person. They only do good (or talk about doing good) because they think they will get rewarded for it in heaven, rather than from empathy or anything. They always talk about how others can’t have morality without religion because it is literally true for them. They simply cannot understand someone can be a good person purely through kindness, empathy, and basic humanity rather than through the fear O’ God.
In fact they seem to truly loath genuinely moral, but non-religious people. As if to say “You think yer so great, but you goin’ ta Hell! Haw Haw Haw!” They’d just be pathetic if they weren’t so loud and obnoxious about it.
In fact they seem to truly loath genuinely moral, but non-religious people. As if to say “You think yer so great, but you goin’ ta Hell! Haw Haw Haw!” They’d just be pathetic if they weren’t so loud and obnoxious about it.
after I converted to Christianity
Ah yes, “Christianity.” That’s my favorite single, homogeneous religion. I’m glad that Christians share all their views in a mild, humble way, and never succumb to, say, irreparable schisms over key doctrinal questions. Or, just as a for-instance, decades of continuous slaughter and atrocities against one another.
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
Um, _which_ church, Mike? The one with the gay bishop? (You know the one I mean. No, the other one. No, the other other one.) You get the feeling that, for Mike Adams, the One True Church is the one with the biggest parking lot and the nicest seats.
Ah yes, “Christianity.” That’s my favorite single, homogeneous religion. I’m glad that Christians share all their views in a mild, humble way, and never succumb to, say, irreparable schisms over key doctrinal questions. Or, just as a for-instance, decades of continuous slaughter and atrocities against one another.
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
Um, _which_ church, Mike? The one with the gay bishop? (You know the one I mean. No, the other one. No, the other other one.) You get the feeling that, for Mike Adams, the One True Church is the one with the biggest parking lot and the nicest seats.
Dr. Mike is truly amazing.At least all of my imaginary friends think so. His brilliant verbal ripostes, his elegant witticisms leave me floored. Dr. Mike is no coward. He bravely battles against children, teenagers, the homeless. So secure in his masculinity is he that he does not need to prove it by protecting (or at least leaving alone) the weak and vulnerable. No! The brave Dr. Mike wades in, boots and fists flying.
(the Christian Hartsockpuppet trademark is registered to Henry Crun)
(the Christian Hartsockpuppet trademark is registered to Henry Crun)
“I am tempted to ask some of these indiscriminate do-gooders whether they would loan Charles Manson a knife under the principle of always helping a fellow human in needs.”
Go ahead and give in to that temptation, Mike. Ask them! That way, when they call you on your bullshit question and tell you to fuck off for being such a smug, obstuse jackass, you can congratulate yourself for having proven again that liberals are the REALLY intolerant ones.
Go ahead and give in to that temptation, Mike. Ask them! That way, when they call you on your bullshit question and tell you to fuck off for being such a smug, obstuse jackass, you can congratulate yourself for having proven again that liberals are the REALLY intolerant ones.
“Last summer, I was sitting by the pool with a friend I will call Scott.”
The one, I think, we have forgotten in all of this is Scott (the imaginary one, not the one who day after day delves through this drivel for our delectation – sorry, too much Doug Giles). The only thing I can think of that is worse than being one of Dr. Mike’s imaginary friends is being one of Dr. Mike’s imaginary students and having to sit through one of his imaginary classes.
And I gotta go with GeoX: Doug Giles, amusing nitwit who when he walks over to where you are hanging out and having a drink with friends, you don’t really mind because – on some level – its like watching an infomercial on colonics made easy at 3 in the morning. When he walks away, you sort of go “Holy Shit, he is so fucking weird.” Mike Adams – a complete and utter sanctimonious shithead.
The one, I think, we have forgotten in all of this is Scott (the imaginary one, not the one who day after day delves through this drivel for our delectation – sorry, too much Doug Giles). The only thing I can think of that is worse than being one of Dr. Mike’s imaginary friends is being one of Dr. Mike’s imaginary students and having to sit through one of his imaginary classes.
And I gotta go with GeoX: Doug Giles, amusing nitwit who when he walks over to where you are hanging out and having a drink with friends, you don’t really mind because – on some level – its like watching an infomercial on colonics made easy at 3 in the morning. When he walks away, you sort of go “Holy Shit, he is so fucking weird.” Mike Adams – a complete and utter sanctimonious shithead.
I am tempted to ask Dr. Mikey if he would give Eric Rudoplh the materials for bomb, and directions to the nearest Planned Parenthood of gay disco.
My guess is that he would, then follow, from a safe distance to watch, seated in a spot where he couldn’t be seen, the better to beat off without being interrupted. Then curse his look for finishing before the bomb went off.
My guess is that he would, then follow, from a safe distance to watch, seated in a spot where he couldn’t be seen, the better to beat off without being interrupted. Then curse his look for finishing before the bomb went off.
“luck”, not “look”. I ruined my own joke.
“Planned Parenthood OR gay disco.”
danm tyops!
danm tyops!
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
If one single question more plainly betrays the hamstrung soul of the weak, frightened, authoritarian drone out of his own mouth…
If one single question more plainly betrays the hamstrung soul of the weak, frightened, authoritarian drone out of his own mouth…
You know, granted the only thing we really know about her are that she was a thug who dated her professor as an undergraduate (funny how people pick partners who confirm their prejudices, innit?), I’m really starting to feel sorry for Mrs. Prof. Dr. Mike.
Next, on a very special episode of Blossom…
To her credit, she did help others in need. In fact, she gave her friend $400 when she became pregnant unexpectedly and “needed” an abortion.
Interestingly, my atheist girlfriend claimed to have been a victim of moral wrongdoing when her friend refused to pay her back after the abortion.
How much you wanna bet his atheist girlfriend was a cabdriver?
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
You know who doesn’t attend church, Mikey? George W. Bush. You know who does? Hillary Clinton.
And I guess fucking your students is the “christian” thing to do in the Adams Family.
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
You know who doesn’t attend church, Mikey? George W. Bush. You know who does? Hillary Clinton.
And I guess fucking your students is the “christian” thing to do in the Adams Family.
“I am tempted to ask some of these indiscriminant do-gooders whether they would loan Charles Manson a knife under the principle of always helping a fellow human in need.”
Well, Charlie never really killed anyone himself so that’s kind of a bad analogy.
Maybe it should be “loan Laura Bush your car keys”?
Well, Charlie never really killed anyone himself so that’s kind of a bad analogy.
Maybe it should be “loan Laura Bush your car keys”?
Now, Scott…many’s been the night where I was sitting on Venice Beach or South Beach or even some portions of the Hamptons in my Speedos, watching the girls and thinking that my epistemeology was such that it would take an act of God for me to “know” her well…
Well, your problem may start with the Speedos, actor212. Maybe it’s the not-exactly-committed-to-men-in-the-first-place thing, but I find them a genuine turnoff, and men wearing them seem to find my hysterical laughter a genuine turnoff.
Hmph!
SOME of us can pull off the banana hammock!
SOME of us can pull off the banana hammock!
And others require my assistance in pulling it off. 
I could never wear anything else. Stuff gets bunched up in the baggies and it hurts.
Ooh! How on earth did I miss all that projection going on in the “daughter’s grown independent and wants to divorce her husband” crap?
Can it be that Mrs. Adams has finally seem her husband for the miserable, creepy, unpleasant, antisocial twerp he is and is contemplating ditching his sorry ass?
(And how come it’s selfish to want to end a marriage that isn’t working, but it’s not selfish to keep somebody tied to you when you know they’re unhappy?)
Can it be that Mrs. Adams has finally seem her husband for the miserable, creepy, unpleasant, antisocial twerp he is and is contemplating ditching his sorry ass?
(And how come it’s selfish to want to end a marriage that isn’t working, but it’s not selfish to keep somebody tied to you when you know they’re unhappy?)
Things I learned from Dr. Mike’s column:
1. Whether to lend your daughter money for a divorce is such an intractable ethical dilemma that can only be resolved by going to church.
2. Helping other people is a waste of time because they might not use your assistance in a good way.
3. Dr. Mike is the biggest cocksucking asshole in the world.
Granted, I didn’t learn #3 in this column, but it helped to reinforce something I already knew.
1. Whether to lend your daughter money for a divorce is such an intractable ethical dilemma that can only be resolved by going to church.
2. Helping other people is a waste of time because they might not use your assistance in a good way.
3. Dr. Mike is the biggest cocksucking asshole in the world.
Granted, I didn’t learn #3 in this column, but it helped to reinforce something I already knew.
I suspect Dr. Mike read a snyopsis of “The Screwtape Letters” (C.S. Lewis), and is trying to plagarize them- badly! A friend gave me the book when I mentioned casually (didn’t announce) I was athiest. I read it, was not saved. For you folk who love a good, a really good laugh, read Peter DeVries “The Macker Plaza”. It is the story of an Athiest preacher with his athiest flock, who occasionally ‘stray’ into believing in God. And then, there is a drought!
“The Mackeral Plaza” (the reverend’s name is Mackeral, a play on the phrase “Mackeral Slapper”, I think.
Note how DrMike make do-gooding looke evil: money for abortions! money for divorices! His imaginary do-gooder friends never give money to the homeless or Second Harvest. Tho I’m sure he’d sneer at that too.
Note how DrMike make do-gooding looke evil: money for abortions! money for divorices! His imaginary do-gooder friends never give money to the homeless or Second Harvest. Tho I’m sure he’d sneer at that too.
Now, I’ll preface this by saying, if I’m wrong, I apologize for making a false accusation. But re-reading that story of the atheist girlfriend who helped pay for an abortion, I got this feeling that it was the GIRLFRIEND who got the abortion, and Dr. Mike was the one who paid for it.
See, for me, that detail about wanting the money back, sounds like something HE’D be pissed about. Then add the speculation, years later, that, “Ahh, she’s probably totally guilt-ridden for doing it!” Sounds like sour grapes to me.
I COULD be wrong about that, of course. But am I out of line for thinking this?
See, for me, that detail about wanting the money back, sounds like something HE’D be pissed about. Then add the speculation, years later, that, “Ahh, she’s probably totally guilt-ridden for doing it!” Sounds like sour grapes to me.
I COULD be wrong about that, of course. But am I out of line for thinking this?
But am I out of line for thinking this?
you’d be out of line for not thinking it
you’d be out of line for not thinking it
(And how come it’s selfish to want to end a marriage that isn’t working, but it’s not selfish to keep somebody tied to you when you know they’re unhappy?)
I have no idea. Seems incredibly selfish to me.
Kathy, I’m guessing that his friends who give money to the homeless while in his company are sneered at with “They’re just gonna buy drugs or booze”. (To which my reply is always, “Good!” None of the homeless are twenty bucks away from a job or a home or medical care, for God’s sakes. But they may be twenty bucks away from not caring for a while, and if that’s the least I can do, I’m good with that.)
Bill, I have to say I actually wondered if it was some other woman who gave Mike’s girlfriend money for an abortion because she didn’t want to end up trapped with a new baby and Dr Mike. The rest of it, clearly, is made up, but I could see that happening.
I have no idea. Seems incredibly selfish to me.
Kathy, I’m guessing that his friends who give money to the homeless while in his company are sneered at with “They’re just gonna buy drugs or booze”. (To which my reply is always, “Good!” None of the homeless are twenty bucks away from a job or a home or medical care, for God’s sakes. But they may be twenty bucks away from not caring for a while, and if that’s the least I can do, I’m good with that.)
Bill, I have to say I actually wondered if it was some other woman who gave Mike’s girlfriend money for an abortion because she didn’t want to end up trapped with a new baby and Dr Mike. The rest of it, clearly, is made up, but I could see that happening.
Very little for me to add, though I must question Dr. Dipshit’s statement that the Suns were in Big D “last summer,” unless the team travels together during the off-season to get group travel discounts. Not that you’d find me (or anyone w/ a lick of sense) in Dallas at any time, but the summer? NFW!
Coincidently, I was in Phoenix last week and am now back in Dallas. The Dallas high was only 5 degrees above Phoenix’s overnight low. Just saying. (And that “dry heat” BS? Yeah, a dry 115 is still way, way worse than a humid 90. Trust me.)
None of the homeless are twenty bucks away from a job or a home or medical care, for God’s sakes. But they may be twenty bucks away from not caring for a while, and if that’s the least I can do, I’m good with that.
D., that’s one of the most profound statements I’ve heard in a long time. Is it OK if I just bask in it, for a while?
Coincidently, I was in Phoenix last week and am now back in Dallas. The Dallas high was only 5 degrees above Phoenix’s overnight low. Just saying. (And that “dry heat” BS? Yeah, a dry 115 is still way, way worse than a humid 90. Trust me.)
None of the homeless are twenty bucks away from a job or a home or medical care, for God’s sakes. But they may be twenty bucks away from not caring for a while, and if that’s the least I can do, I’m good with that.
D., that’s one of the most profound statements I’ve heard in a long time. Is it OK if I just bask in it, for a while?
Feel free to adopt it as a personal philosophy and use it on people who throw that argument your way. In my experience, half of the time people say that, they’re just trying to avoid feeling guilty about walking past people. Drives me nuts.
If you help others with an expectation of a reward, it leads to bondage. The path to freedom is found in the performance of right action without the least attachment to the fruits thereof. Just read Chapter 18 of the Bhagavad Gita if you don’t believe me.
Is the point of going to church just to find out if we are moral enough, sort of like the folks sitting on the Group W bench in “Alice’s Restaurant?” Sorry, I find the issue to be a distraction for the above reasons. So I think I’ll just sit home and meditate instead.
Is the point of going to church just to find out if we are moral enough, sort of like the folks sitting on the Group W bench in “Alice’s Restaurant?” Sorry, I find the issue to be a distraction for the above reasons. So I think I’ll just sit home and meditate instead.
Was Dr. Mike an atheist? That really would give us, atheists, a bad, bad name!
So many unresolved developmental issues, so many repressed desires, the id bubbling just beneath the surface, the complete loss of perspective and the retreat into a world of fantasy …. Dr. Mike is a psychoanalyst’s dream (or nightmare, depending upon your outlook).
So if you regret what you brought with your loan, you don’t have to pay it back? Awesome.
Y’know, I keep discovering new stupid each time I re-read this thing.
He tells us it cost $400 for a woman to get an abortion.
Then he makes a point of mentioning how much a friend spent on his daughter’s wedding and subsequent divorce ($33,000, but I bet he’s rounding off. Or making it up. Whatevs.)
Now, just think-that woman saved herself at least $32,600 (not counting the additional 17 years of additional expenses.)
So Mike’s column made a persuasive argument in favor of abortion.
Or at least a good argument for remaining childless. (Every column he writes is an argument for HIM remaing childless. )
He tells us it cost $400 for a woman to get an abortion.
Then he makes a point of mentioning how much a friend spent on his daughter’s wedding and subsequent divorce ($33,000, but I bet he’s rounding off. Or making it up. Whatevs.)
Now, just think-that woman saved herself at least $32,600 (not counting the additional 17 years of additional expenses.)
So Mike’s column made a persuasive argument in favor of abortion.
Or at least a good argument for remaining childless. (Every column he writes is an argument for HIM remaing childless. )
Or for retroactive abortion, Bill.
HysWom,
In some sects of the Baptist cult, there is a mechanism that calls for debt forgiveness every seven years, in the Year of the Sabbatical. (Deuteronomy, I think, but Baptists never were fussy about which Testament they crib from)
Bono neatly turned this into a world-wide call for Third World debt forgiveness in the year 2000, as a year of Jubilee, based on Matthew 18.
HysWom,
In some sects of the Baptist cult, there is a mechanism that calls for debt forgiveness every seven years, in the Year of the Sabbatical. (Deuteronomy, I think, but Baptists never were fussy about which Testament they crib from)
Bono neatly turned this into a world-wide call for Third World debt forgiveness in the year 2000, as a year of Jubilee, based on Matthew 18.
Ooh..I just noticed my redundant use of “additional”. It’s a good thing nobody PAYS me to write.
Also…I wasn’t saying I believed kids are a waste of money-if that’s how you feel, then you probably wouldn’t make a very good parent. (Of course most people who feel that way have the good sense not to have kids. The ones lacking that amount of sense…well, I’m guessing their kids are emotionally fucked-up.)
Also…I wasn’t saying I believed kids are a waste of money-if that’s how you feel, then you probably wouldn’t make a very good parent. (Of course most people who feel that way have the good sense not to have kids. The ones lacking that amount of sense…well, I’m guessing their kids are emotionally fucked-up.)
Har! Sermon on teh mount!
That would be about right, Bill. On the plus side, it’s made me not be remotely interested in having kids.
Marq, I think we’re gonna chalk that up to the drugs and move on. You’d better be getting some decent drugs, though.
At least you didn’t make the joke about Doug.
Marq, I think we’re gonna chalk that up to the drugs and move on. You’d better be getting some decent drugs, though.
At least you didn’t make the joke about Doug.
And they fired Ward Churchill?
Do *not* get me started on Ward Churchill. You’re in no condition for it.
“Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street”
this reminds me of an old Steve Bell cartoon from the eighties. Ronald Reagan dressed as a cowboy is riding around the desert with Nancy and he says something like (bad paraphrase) “I like to come out here, get away from everything for a while and get closer to God” and a big speech bubble comes out of the clouds saying “aargh get away from me you fucking nutter”.
thats why i never thought much of God. have you seen his friends?
this reminds me of an old Steve Bell cartoon from the eighties. Ronald Reagan dressed as a cowboy is riding around the desert with Nancy and he says something like (bad paraphrase) “I like to come out here, get away from everything for a while and get closer to God” and a big speech bubble comes out of the clouds saying “aargh get away from me you fucking nutter”.
thats why i never thought much of God. have you seen his friends?
Yeah, it were but a shabby joke, D. Don’t take it as my defending or endorsing W.C. His very name seems to drive teh wingnutz gonzo berserk (and, yes, many lefties, too)! I just thought Dr. Professor Myke wouldn’t appreciate being compared to him.
Mike suffers in comparison to just about anybody.
Oh, and Scott-which one is Apollo, and which one is Hyacinthus?
Actually, I *like* Ward Churchill, and own his books. Have for years and years. Nothing he said was even remotely as objectionable as anything Dinesh D’Souza has said on the subject, certainly nowhere near approaching the kind of crap that gets said at the wingnut sites which are currently doing happydances that he got fired. So fuck them, and I’ll keep buying his books.
To clarify, neither did I condemn W.C. Having only read the cherry-picked statements the mass media had reported years back, I suspected that they were trying to gin up a “lefties as just as bad as righties” meme. Good to know.
Bill S., I think they both saw themselves as Apollo, which might be why they aren’t “friends” anymore.
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
Well for some reason this quote came to mind:
“When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full”
when god sees this clown he crosses the street and then pretends to be on his cell.
Well for some reason this quote came to mind:
“When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full”
when god sees this clown he crosses the street and then pretends to be on his cell.
Gawd, am I ever sick of fascist, Christianist crackers like Doktor Mike ALWAYS trying to turn God into his personal accomplice in dickdom.
I agree – I just bet God does cross the street when he smells that puddin’ head waddling down False Witness Boulevard.
BTW what a damn, good post. I hope Herr A-hole enjoys it.
I agree – I just bet God does cross the street when he smells that puddin’ head waddling down False Witness Boulevard.
BTW what a damn, good post. I hope Herr A-hole enjoys it.
Hey, has anybody sent this column to Steve Nash yet? I think he’d appreciate knowing this pervert was ogling his wife. The Suns do make a trip to Charlotte every year; he could make a side trip to the University of North Carolina at Buttfuck to discuss the matter with the Not So Good Doctor.
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