The World O' Crap Archive

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Sunday, November 20, 2011

How To Pitch Movies…If You’re A Right Wing Hack

Recently, Kathryn Jean Lopez escaped from the Bedlam-like confines of The Corner and wandered into Townhall, where she was immediately mistaken for the Kommissar of Kultur, leading to a series of rib-tickling monkeyshines straight out of the 1949 Danny Kaye vehicle, The Inspector General.

For most of its history, Hollywood has been a liberal enterprise
Yep.  For more information, see Neil Gabler’s groundbreaking book, Joseph Breen, Secret Hippie.
…with occasional exceptions like “The Passion of the Christ.”
Which wasn’t actually made by Hollywood, thus proving that the exception proves the rule to the, uh…exception.
And it’s also been too darn predictable. Hollywood needs to make more movies that don’t use its typical formula. One outside-the-box example is the raunchy summer comedy “Knocked Up” – its adolescent humor is infused with a conservative message.
I don’t approve of raunchy comedies, even in warm weather, but filmmaker Judd Apatow deserves kudos for his courageous decision to reject the weary old Hollywood formula in favor of the bold, risky, untried tack of “Boy meets Girl.  Boy loses Girl.  Boy gets Girl in the end.”  For viewers who sit through Knocked Up, expecting a romantic comedy, the experience is no doubt similar to the shock felt by the audiences who saw the first screening of Un chien andalou, or Nijinsky’s masturbating ruminant in the 1912 premiere of L’Apres-midi d’um faune.
If I were issuing grants to filmmakers for non-formulaic productions, there would be two genres I’d look to fund. First, we could really use inspiring war stories…
To thine own porn be true.
…taking place not just on the battlefield, but also on the airwaves or anywhere a major conflict impacts our way of life.
Exactly!  It’d be like Audie Murphy’s autobiography, To Hell and Back, or Guadalcanal Diary, or The Thin Red Line, except it would be about Hugh Hewitt (affectionately known to his interns as “Gunny”) fighting the Battle of Fallujah from his besieged studio in the Empire State Building.  Can’t you just see Hugh, grimy, unshaven, crazed with grief and rage as he verbally mows down enemy strawmen while bellowing to his troops, “C’mon you candy-asses, get back in the war!  And get me a no-foam double vanilla latte and a raspberry danish!”  Call it, To Zabars and Back, or, The Sands of St. Croix.
There have been some attempts, which I applaud, but we need more. We’re at war. Pop culture should reflect that.
Yeah.  Except pop culture is, sort of by definition, popular culture.  When the country is united behind a war, films depicting it will attract audiences.  When a war is unpopular, however, you’re more likely to see it celebrated in noticably unpopular culture — like the National Review, or Townhall.
Secondly, I’d support the “Feminism Does Not Speak for Me” project — as feminism does not speak for me, and I’m not the only American woman who would say that.
While I, on the other hand, support the “I Support Tautology Because I Support Tautology” project because I support the Tautology project.  And I’m not the only American who would say that.  Especially if they’d recently sustained a head wound.
And anyway, unlike “Boy Meets Girl,” the old “Feminism does not speak for me” formula is much more commercially viable, because, let’s face it, women flock to those movies.  Especially during seasonably warm temperatures, when they just want to turn off the brain, kick off their shoes, and watch a didactic flick dramatizing the heroic efforts of reactionary political action committees to roll back gains in reproductive rights and gender equality.
For you major-motion-picture types, here are some ideas. Enjoy them. And have no worries, I won’t ask for royalties.
Ohhh, to have the Diet Sprite and Junior Mint concession for these blockbusters.
SOLDIERS’ ANGEL. With a son deployed in Iraq and a daughter who’s helped the rebuilding efforts in Afghanistan and Iraq, D.C. mom and Hill vet Barbara Ledeen spends her off hours talking to and advocating for young men, some of whom lost limbs to enemy IEDs. In a culture where sacrifice is slim and protest often casual (including the antiwar protests she encounters outside medical centers where our wounded are being cared for), Ledeen’s encounters are heartbreaking, startling and inspiring.
This is a very strong pitch, but I think K-Lo needs to stress the project’s potential as a tentpole summer comedy.  For instance, there’s the whole Tracy and Hepburn-like back and forth as Barbara, the “Soldier’s Angel,” spends her off-hours advocating for service personnel maimed in Iraq, while her husband Michael spends his time at the office advocating for the invasion of Iran (“and faster, please!”).  It’s like Adam’s Rib, except with more amputees.  Then there’s our B story, where daughter Simone takes a job with the Coalition Provisional Authority and promptly loses 9 billion dollars!  From there it’s a non-stop gigglefest as Simone goes through one desperate, hare-brained scheme after another to keep her parents from finding out (I see it as a cross between the 1967 Jim Hutton laugher Who’s Minding The Mint? and the later episodes of Here’s Lucy.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE! I’ve stolen the title from radio-talk show host Laura Ingraham’s upcoming book (Regnery), so she might want royalties. A group of media conservatives helps kill a bad bill against all odds. With the power of the White House pushing an amnesty-for-illegal-immigrants bill, a dramatic debate ensues, with name-calling, broken friendships and eventually some redemption. The White House loses big, but it’s a victory for law-abiding Americans who let themselves be heard via phone and e-mail, against the backdrop of heart-wrenching stories and the need for law and order.
The drama just drips from every word of this synopsis, creating an ever-widening pool that obstructs foot traffic and eventually draws a rebuke from OSHA.  At last, Hollywood tells the stories of Real American Bigots the way they were meant to be told:  Up on the big screen!  30 feet tall!  Via phone and email.
CHENEY.  He was White House chief of staff. He was secretary of defense. They thought his career was over. And then he became one of the most hated and feared politicians in the land, one heartbeat away from the presidency. But that was only the beginning. After months of the politicos’ eyeing the field, Dick Cheney surprised them all by storming in late in the race and taking the Republican nomination for president in 2008.
But then, at the last second, Aragorn shows up with Isildur’s sword and an army of the Sleepless Dead, and it looks like the tide is turning.  Only Cheney slays Theoden, and then he tells Eowyn, “No man can kill me!” and then she stabs him right in the face and pulls off her helmet, and her hair still looks great, and she says, “I am no man!”  And then everybody goes to Mordor, and Gollum falls in the lava with the One Ring, and then the black tower with the big flaming eye that kinda looks like a vagina falls over in slow motion, and the eye is glancing back and forth like it’s going, “WTF, dude?”  And then some eagles pick up the Hobbits and everybody goes to Gondor to party, and Aragorn takes the Republican nomination for King.
You get the idea. There are a lot of stories out there. No need for us to be seeing the same movie. Or worse than that: an Al Gore production.
Yes, let’s not wallow in that fey, Oscar-winning shit.  Now, some people may ask (like Roy.  Repeatedly.) why the purveyors of wingnut welfare don’t pour some of the same resources they’ve used to build up phony think tanks, astroturf advocacy groups, magazines, websites, and Fox News into producing their own films.  Well, I think there are two reasons.
First, unlike the cost of keeping Jonah in Yoo Hoos and Little Debbie’s Pecan Spinwheels, making a movie is actually expensive, requiring anywhere from 10 to 60 million dollars for a respectable product, let alone the additional millions for prints and advertising.  And while the men and women who fund the conservo-calliope are happy to tell Hollywood which mouth to put their money in, when it comes to their own pockets, they don’t seem terribly anxious to wager on whether audiences will flock to see the uplifting prison drama, Scooter Libby: The Lambshank Redemption.
Secondly, these same financiers spent 30 years building the world’s loudest megaphone, and since the dawn of the Clinton Administration they have been shouting through it unceasingly until now the major news media spend most of their time quivering in a corner like a whipped hound.  They expected a return on investment, and they got it.  And they see no reason why, if they turn that same megaphone on Hollywood, they can’t bellow the movie industry into obedience as well.  That way, Hollywood will start devoting most of its resources to turning out right wing propaganda disguised as “entertainment,” while the news media promotes right wing talking points — no matter how transparently untrue – in the interest of “balance.”
So, anticipating the day when Bill O’Reilly’s hectoring drives Sumner Redstone into an overdue grave, and the Liberty Film Festival becomes the new Cannes,  feel free to pitch your ideas for conservative movies in the comments.  And K-Lo says it’s okay to steal the titles right wing books, even if they haven’t yet been published or even remaindered and mulched yet.
h/t to reader Patrick

53 Responses to “How To Pitch Movies…If You’re A Right Wing Hack”

Um. I think I’m more interested in seeing The Ninja’s movie. No, scratch that. I am definitely more interested in seeing the Ninja’s movie.
What the hell is wrong with people like her? She actually thinks a gripping and suspenseful movie could be made about rightwing pundits talking on the radio and tv in order to bring down the “amnesty immigration” bill?
I wanna slap her. Hard. Very hard. And then make a movie about it.
Well, that’d be a really short movie, maryc. Unless you’re filming ALL the people who wanna slap her. Then it’ll be longer than “Shoah”.
I’m with mary. I can’t even read the rest of her shit.
I got here:”And it’s also been too darn predictable”, and slapping her moved to the very top of my list. If you’ve not been paying attention to Miss Lopez, and why would you?, it will still not surprise you too much to learn that the woman who is too polite and mannerly to use “damn” in a sentence yesterday, once again, equated consensual same sex love with animal rape. She’s too genteel to use obscene words, but by god, calling an entire group of people animals, that’s just rational, adult debate.
A movie about Cheney! Wow! It could be called “The Mad Puppetmaster”. Or “Bunker Beast”. Or “How to (Earn? Steal?) a Billion Dollars Without Even Trying”
The movie thing? It’s been tried. “The Green Berets,” 1968, starring, produced by, and largely funded by John Wayne. Not many people can afford to do what John Wayne did–make a movie as a tribute to the soldiers and as a propaganda piece to celebrate their cause. Didn’t help, apparently, as that’s the same year the popular tide really turned against the war.
But hey, maybe this time it’ll work. Maybe if Jonah asks his mom for an advance on his allowance…
She’s like a black hole of stupid. Eventually she & her drooling friends will collapse upon themselves and create a portal to another universe. Don’t Go There!
Or a romantic comedy about the Cheneys, “Kiss My Dick!”
Fred Thomas (Thompson?) could play Cheney.
Its so insufferably hot in here that if a winger gave me a free ticket and money for popcorn and drinks, I’d bring my MP3 player and take a nice nap in a dark, air conditioned space.
yes, its pretty damn hot here right now.
That aside, Bill your analysis is spot on. How soon before they wingers start calling for concentration camp building to boost the construction industry? Or are they already proposing that?
K-Lo had some good ideas for movies. Here are some more:
Macaca and Me A coming of age tale about a California teenager discovering his Confederate identity.
Run, Fredo, Run Can Alberto Gonzalez get to the hospital before anyone with integrity finds out?
That’s all I got for now.
Dick Cheney surprised them all by storming in late in the race and taking the Republican nomination for president in 2008
Er, she does realize that Cheney’s current popularity is about that of Joe Stalin in Russia? Granted, Cheney hasn’t murdered several million Americans, but neither has Cheney been successful in his war.
“The Boys of the 101st” is an edge-of-your-seat thriller about those tireless kids on the front lines of Fauxtography analysis.
There are the usual war-movie stock characters: the brainy writer guy who’s working on a novel about the fearsome threat posed by an DhimmiCRAP fifth column out to destabilize the U.S. government (set, of course, in the Star Trek milieu); the kid from Brooklyn; the Judeo-Christian kid who wears a yarmulke under his helmet; the black kid whose eyes are finally opened to the reality that Liberals are the true racists and have been all along; the hardbitten topkick who runs the blog where they all comment.
Jamil Hussein, Green Helmet Guy, Islamic Rage Boy and Scott Thomas Beauchamp hatch a plot to spread the malicious lie that all is not puppies and kitties in Iraq, using letters and doctored photos from fake soldiers. In a race against time reminiscent of the climax of War Games, Our Kids of the Fightin’ One-Oh-One need to do a last-second kerning analysis of a document purporting to prove that Cheney is, in reality, the Evil Terminator.
How does it end? Well, let’s just say that when you leave the theater, there will be a tear in your eye and a lump in your throat–a lump that’s chock-full of love for this great country of ours.
As a bonus, there are plenty of opportunities for product placement–think Cheetos and Mountain Dew Code Red.
I dunno: Wasn’t that Cheney movie made already? Except, I thought he had knives for fingers, or something like that…
Okay, for the record? While I would watch the Ninja’s movie, I wouldn’t watch any of K-Lo’s suggestions. There’s bad, and then there’s *boring*. And then there’s bad and boring. And when you go a step beyond that? You get “Soldier’s Angel”.
Well, since I’m really tired, and I just took an Ambien pill* (just *one*, D.! Just! One!), I’ll come back later with whatever twisted crap I dream up in my dreamy dreams!
*Yes, I am tired. Exhausted, in fact. But. I. Am. Not. Sleepy!!!11!
I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything. The suggestions so far are great though! Especially “The Boys of the 101st”. Damn that’s good stuff! And the sad part is I can almost see them pitching something like that. Keep em’ coming!
but it’s a victory for law-abiding Americans who let themselves be heard via phone and e-mail,
Hey! Was this an extremely clever dig at warrantless wiretapping? Wow, I have to give that Corey Feldman-looking woman some credit here! Maybe this was a coded message to people like us to let us know that she’s working on subverting the noise machine from the inside! You go, comrade!
Oh, she’s just an clueless idiot? *Sigh* Yeah, I figured.
“Pre-Born to Kill”
The ghosts of all 40 million gruesomely murdered womb babies come back to wreak their bloody revenge on the greedy abortion doctors who killed them for no reason other than greed and evil, and possibly made stew with their innocent little patriotic bodies. Then they ostentatiously forgive the mothers who killed them, causing them all to repent and immediately get to work pumping out a tide of shiny white babies to drive back the Muslim hordes. Then they spread out across the land to take all the jobs Americans don’t want to do, shaming the illegal aliens into fleeing back to their home countries. And in a thrilling CGI-enhanced multimedia musical spectacular finale, everyone gets a pony! And Iran falls into the molten center of the Earth or something.
Penh, that reminds me of a movie I actually did see, I think on “The 700 Club”, but maybe it was some other conservative program. It was a thriller depicting a little girl whose mother leaves her alone in a house. A sinister figure wearing a surgical mask repeated tries to break in through windows, brandishing a scalpal, chasing the frightened girl and trying to kill her as she screams for help. Her mother reappears and hugs her, then exits and allows the killer to continue chasing the kid.
Apparently it was supposed to be an allegory on abortion.
Wait…is “on” the correct word in that sentence? Or is it grammatically incorrect? That’s gonna drive me crazy the rest of the day.
Anyway, I can’t remember the title of that film, but I’m wondering if anybody else saw it. It was so long ago, maybe I just imagined it. A part of me sorta hopes so.
Seeing as how the K-Los of the planet have been reduced to gathering in cyberspace searching for the mystical e-chord that’ll return us all to the first Reagan administration, thereby rescuing their sorry asses (“Master, save us! We’ve grown progressively stupider, just as you taught us!”), I’m not sure critique is even theoretically possible anymore. It’s like trying to figure out snake handling, sati, or the Bravo schedule. Still, I think it should be pointed out that the “liberal enterprise for most of its history” was more-or-less established by Birth of a Nation and Intolerance, neither of which could rightly be described as “liberal”, even making adjustments for later advancements in medical science; that the Hayes Office dictated content from the beginning of Talkies through the mid-1960s; and that beginning around 1975 Hollywood has spent most of its time trying to figure out what mode of transportation the theatre-going public would like to see blow up next. Unless you count as “liberal” the ongoing hallucination that keeps us in Robin Williams vehicles.
And while I agree that Mr. Edroso’s “make your own goddam movies” sweeps the field, I still prefer the opposite tack: let the reactionary wing of the Catholic Church take over, again, and let’s see how long the 91% God-fearing US of A puts up with a steady diet of Andy Hardy Defeats the Taliban.
Dick Cheney surprised them all by storming in late in the race and taking the Republican nomination for president in 2008
Silly, K-lo. Cheney will surprise them all by storming in late in the race and canceling presidential elections in 2008. He will declare a national emergency, shoot W in the face, and–to the cheers of grateful wingnuts–set himself up as president for life…
And then in a shocking plot twist, Cheney rips his face off, revealing that he is none other than VINCE FOSTER. He turns power over to his dark mistress, Hitlery, and the anguished screams of Republicans echo eternally through this new hell on earth!
Ha! It’s a horror movie, K-lo–didn’t you watch the trailers?
“Secondly, I’d support the “Feminism Does Not Speak for Me” project”
em, seems there’s a wee flaw in your logic dear. If you feel that feminism doesn’t speak for you, shouldn’t you be home taking care of your babies and/or making more of them while creating a wonderful, chintz filled home for your husband?
No, since her other slogan is, “Sex Does Not Interest Me.”
My conservative movie pitch would be, “Star Wars minus 1: Return of Ron.” President Butch and Vice President Chance have been reduced to living on canned goods in Chance’s bunker while legions of deluded “Americans,” some of whom can’t even speak English, protest continuously against the war in Iraq and “illegal” surveillance. VP aide Moped Lurchy has been cast into a deep hole by the mob, Congoleum Reese is being prevented from disembarking from her plane after a failed attempt to persuade Saudi Arabia to invade Iran, and the offices of Wolf News are on fire. All looks bleak until the brilliant doctor-pundit, Chasmo Crumphauler, breaks into the vault holding the remains of Best American Ever Ron Reagan, reanimates him to the tune of, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and sends him off to seek and destroy the leaders of the rebellion. Lots of blood and severed body parts later, Reagan, Lurchy and Reese rescue the beleagured unitary executive and his non-executive right-hand man, and lawnorder is restored. Potential sequel is hinted at in final scene, as missiles from North Korea are detected hurtling toward Utah.
CHENEY. He was White House chief of staff. He was secretary of defense. They thought his career was over. And then he became one of the most hated and feared politicians in the land, one heartbeat away from the presidency
Doesn’t this sound like a pitch for another bad vampire movie or another Highlander film?
Two thousand years ago he was a Roman Senator. Then he took the form of a Lithuanian Count, and then that of a Spanish Conquistador. He Has Always Been. He is the Cheney. In the End There Can Be only One.
Do you know that “Left Behind” was made into 3 movies- straight to DVD. My Husband who loves cheesy SciFi, bought the package of all 3 (at Wallmart I think). “Oh NOOOO!” I moaned. “You won’t like it” I warned him. Well, he watched the first movie, and part of the 2nd (with myself writhing in agony whilst trying to concentrate on my lapop). wonder why Ms. Grogan doesn’t mention these movies?
How about this:
From the beginning it was a story marked by the miraculous. It was a miracle a six-year-old boy survived the storm at sea and floated safely in an inner tube for two days and nights toward shore; a miracle that when he tired and began to slip, the dolphins who surrounded him like a contingent of angels pushed him upward; a miracle that a fisherman saw him bobbing in the shark-infested waters and scooped him aboard on the morning of Nov. 25, 1999, the day celebrated in America, the country his mother died bringing him to, as Thanksgiving.
Whoops, that wasn’t a movie pitch, that was a Peggy Noonan column. My bad.
Maybe Pegs should become a screenwriter. Her grip on reality is tenuous anyway. She’s turning into the Norma Desmond of wingnuts. Actually, a remake of “Sunset Boulevard”, with Nooners as Norma and Jonah Who Swallowed The Whale as Joe would almost be entertaining.
Granted, Cheney hasn’t murdered several million Americans
He’s only got a few 100,000, but he’s dealing with a smaller population.
The sequel run to Dorothy’s flick is that once Hillary settles in, national healthcare is installed, corporations are so taxed they have to cut CEO’s salaries and they are relegated to crumbling McMansions in isolated suburban tracts, gasoline is illegal and they are forced to form farming communes amongst eachother in order to live.
All the while the Old Time Religion crumbles as people shun superstition and a new world of rationalist humanist enlightenment dawns in the nation. Scientific development flourishes, green house gases are controlled as people live in cities close to their workplaces, teachers are among the highest paid and respected and colleges are free, communities spring up where people know their neighbors and enjoy free creative concerts on the lawns of well maintained, accessible city parks. People are healthier, saner and peace reigns.
And so the Great Oppression of Repressive Thought continues.
Hollywood has spent most of its time trying to figure out what mode of transportation the theatre-going public would like to see blow up next.
Talking robot cars and jet fighters!
As soon as they do the Transformers sequel where we get to find out that their god is a giant aircraft carrier under siege by their devil, the giant transforming cruise ship, I believe we will have reached the very pinnacle of exploding vehicle art that Hollywood can offer us. Then, I dunno, I guess they move onto vehicle sex and murder a la Fatal Attraction or even, dare I say it, The Fugitive. (“I was framed! By the two-doored Volkswagen convertible! I’m innocent, I swear!”)
“I wanna slap her. Hard. Very hard. And then make a movie about it.” — MaryC
Honey, I bet that Larry Flynt would back that movie ALLLLL THE WAY TO THE SCREEN, instead of straight to DVD. For the political content, of course. Not just the beating-the-stupid-bitch-down “girl fight.” Really. I promise.
And Trashfire, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t John Wayne another “hero” who never actually SERVED in the military, despite all of his chest-beating republicunt war-mongering at fundraisers for Reagan, et al?
Kate: Halliburton, Blackwater and Bechtel have been building remote, privately-run “prisons” (with no occupants, thus far…) to potentially hold “enemy combatants” — as, apparently, they don’t plan on taking AMERICANS to Gitmo, once they completely usurp the Constitution and declare Cheney Emperor For Life.
Rich: Regarding Cheney’s body count thus far: 3,400+ (not including the rescuers who are dying of lung cancer, etc., from the toxic fumes & waste at “Ground Zero”) on 9/11; pushing 4,000 American soldiers & Marines in Iraq; oh, and there’s the matter of THIRTEEN HUNDRED PLUS DURING KATRINA AND RITA — whilst Dumbya & his favorite fellatist, John McFonda, laughed it up at the “ranch.”
Stalin could’ve learned a lot from Cheney.
And while most of the ideas here are gut-injury-inducing funny, Dr. DBH has my vote. His shit is SICK, and that’s just the way that I like it. As if y’all didn’t know…
And SJK, don’t insult the horribly bad Highlander movies by associating them with Darth Cheney, Cyborg Of Doom. At least the LAST Highlander movie featured the glorious behind of one Adrian Paul (of the TV MacLeods), which incited my roommate and I into slobbering all over ourselves… I never got the appeal of Christopher Lambert’s mangled Belgian/brain-injured accent or his “acting,” but that Adrian Paul could be my houseboy ANYDAY.
Hmmmm… Adrian Paullllllll… mmmmmm…
Welp, better shaddup. Don’t wanna further damage ye old laptop with drool.
Pay no attention to the buzzing sound behind the curtain. Nothing to see here, just move along now!
I must ask: does KLo REALLY think that Laura Ingraham invented the phrase “power to the people?” ‘Cause that’s sure what it sounds like.
Look at how illiterate that hermaphrodite unibrowed neanderthal is — do you think that she’s ever read ANYTHING that wasn’t spoon-fed to her by her “church” and her “parents” and every other half-literate right-wing batshit-crazy motherfucker in this country?
She probably thinks that “Say it loud, I’m Black And I’m Proud” originated with “EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS.”
Fucking igmocunt.
[ OT interlude... ]
Argh! What’s that itchy pain on my back? Zits?
Hmm… it’s awfully pointy… Oh, NOES!!1!
It’d a dorsal fin!!11!
[ looks at teevee schedule ]
Yep. It’s what I thought.
It’s Shark Week.
“It’s a dorsal fin.”
I swear to Cthulhu that I proofread these damned things!
Also kind of misses the point that popular culture by it’s very nature tends to be subversive and against everything that the rest of ‘normal’ society applauds.
Basically a clueless loon writing for a bunch of equally clueless loons, methinks,
Yeah, Marq, but they’ve only got eight new shows this year and most of them appear to be, as usual, Shark Attack Week. Is it just me? I want to see sharks. Not humans. If I want to see Blood In The Water Week, I’ll flip to the Science Fiction Channel.
They will, though, be reshowing last year’s Perfect Shark, which is hosted by Mike DeGruy. Yummy…. They don’t, unfortunately, seem to be offering Sharks: Size Matters, which also stars Mr DeGruy and a batch of small sharks.
Mind you, I’ve got both of those on DVD, last week was DSC’s semi-annual DVD sale. Five bucks a pop and all the adorable shirtless underwater photographer you can stand.
I think there’s a lot of potential in a show combining Cheney! and Shark Week. The scenes of Dick Cheney munching on innocent beachgoers would certainly take terror to a new level.
And I think they already made the Cheney movie as “The Final Countdown: Damien, Omen III.”
How about this proposal: , with K-Lo and Jonah as the world’s stupidest, most repulsive married couple. They set out to have a baby but are constantly thwarted by evil liberals trying to sneak in and force them to take contraceptives and have abortions, because any spawn of theirs would be so stupid it would single-handedly cause the human race to devolve. In the end, it is revealed that the Lopez-Goldbergs are incapable of reproducing because they don’t know how to have sex and believe babies are brought by storks. Thus humanity is saved!
Oops, the comment somehow deleted the title of my conservative opus, which is “Stop! Or My Wife Will Gestate!”
Yeah, it’s too early in the morning. Sorry.
D., I was always kinda partial to television’s shark scientist hunk, Rocky Strong–I mean, is that a gay pr0n name, or what? Plus, he’s certifiably insane, which continues my habit of being attracted to psychopaths. Remember a few years ago when–in the middle of the damned ocean–he was swtanding on a floating *whale corpse* while literally dozens of feeding great whites gnawed around the edges, only a few feet away. Actually, I don’t know how much danger you’d be in if you fell into the water under those circumstances. The sharks were all jostling each other to get into position to feed on whale blubber, but they weren’t biting each other. Given a choice of whale or stoopid human, 90% of ‘em would go for the former. You’d probably be in greater danger of being sandpapered to death between them as the squirmed about, trying to gain a good biting position up against the whale, or drown as their rolling bodies forced you under the waves.
sophronia, they probably also can’t reproduce because last I knew, a mule is sterile, no matter how many jackasses you put before it.
Yikes, Kate. Mean, but funny as hell.
Marq, I just watched Rocky again in “Sharks in a Desert Sea”, and I gotta say, he really doesn’t do it for me. But he probably suffers by comparison to Mike, who turned up after that, and David Attenborough, who’s on now for RoboShark. Later, there will be more DeGruy, in the form of Ten Deadliest Sharks, and Dive to Shark Volcano. He’s shirtless in part of the former, I don’t recall him being shirtless in the latter, but I’ll be on a different channel by then anyway, watching The Nature of Things with David Suzuki (who has also appeared shirtless in recent weeks).
Either way, yum. Give me the smart guys, you can keep the whackos with the pornstar names. And that includes all those nutjobs on the survival shows they keep advertising. Man….
While this would work better as a reality show then a movie, I couldn’t resist sharing this idea…
A Woman’s Place: A group of anti-feminist female neo-con pundits are sent to live in the middle east where women have no rights what so ever. Watch as these women walk on eggshells to avoid talking, running or even showing the tiniest bit of flesh in public. Or when they learn that witholding sex from their temporary husbands (no rich sheiks for these girls) will not work like Phylis Schefily told them because frankly, those kind of men don’t like being told no by some uppity woman. (Kinda like the book, “Princess” in reality show form) Any that aren’t killed or commit suicide will go on to the next round.
I’m actually watching Dr Strong sitting on a whale carcass right now. And enthusing about a great white’s claspers. Nutjob.
I wonder if there’s a niche for someone to liveblog Shark Week….
The other problem with KJlo’s movie ideas, we’ve effing lived them for the last 7 years.Why on earth does she think we’d actually go pay $8.50+ to see advertisements and a movie of the things we’ve already lived through and with? That’d like being raped and wanting to see it portrayed by Jodi Foster, damned talented, but do we need to see our immediate past history on the big screen? The right can’t be allowed to run away from this regime.
I doubt that anybody with any discernable talent-even if that talent is only self-promotion-would want anything to do with any of the movie ideas put forth by K. Lo-west Common Denominator.
Jesus Christ. She’s actually arguing that Hollywood doesn’t make enough inspiring war films and anti-feminist movies. Has she ever been to a cinema?
Ginger Yellow: Good point. But when it comes to neo-cons, no matter how inspiring the war film is, they don’t want to see war for what it truely is: dark, violent, and bloody where the good guys do get hurt. That’s why they were bitching when they tried to show Saving Private Ryan uncensored on non-cable a few years ago.
“A Woman’s Place: A group of anti-feminist female neo-con pundits are sent to live in the middle east where women have no rights what so ever. Watch as these women walk on eggshells to avoid talking, running or even showing the tiniest bit of flesh in public. Or when they learn that witholding sex from their temporary husbands (no rich sheiks for these girls) will not work like Phylis Schefily told them because frankly, those kind of men don’t like being told no by some uppity woman. (Kinda like the book, “Princess” in reality show form) Any that aren’t killed or commit suicide will go on to the next round.
Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 29th, 2007″
If there is a God(ess). Let those misogynist, reaction creeps put their money where their mouths are. Won’t be bitching about teh Feminazis!!11! after living in the world they’ve been trying to force other women to live in I’ll bet.
I’d sure pay to see that reality show come true.
*wiping a tear*
Well-played, sir…well played.
Here’s another idea for a movie I’m sure they’ll love…
Chickenhawks: What happens when two Young Republicans are tricked into enlisting into the war in Iraq? Watch as they try to get along with the lower class and minorities they’ve always tried looked down on? What will they do when they discover that God and Allah are more similar than they thought? And will their rich parents be able to get them out?

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