The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Dr. Mike’s World O’Crap

Ah, Dr. Mike!  How I’ve missed him and his false bravado, and his gun fetish, and his imaginary friends! One of my resolutions for 2008 is to lobby the White House to get Mike that Licence to Kill that he wants so badly.
Therefore, I have to thank Scott for reminding me that auld crazy criminology professors should not be forgot nor never called to mind, even though it would be perhaps more pleasant if they were.  So, here’s my Dr. Mike tidbit for the day: a column from a couple of weeks ago about how even the neighborhood DOGS are in on the plot to persecute Dr. Mike: Ways To Reave Your Rover::By Mike S. Adams.
(As you know, the plot already includes Dr. Mike’s bosses, colleagues, and students, as well as random strangers, all women, all people who can read, etc.  But I find it noteworthy that the non-humans are now joining in, and frankly, I blame Petsmart and the War On Christmas for encouraging them.)
We join Dr. Mike whining about stuff that nobody cares about but him, already in progress:
The husky charged me (barking) when I tried to interfere with its efforts to poop on my lawn.
You know, I think this incident could be the high point in my latest proposed project, “Dr. Mike: The Movie.”  This event would come right after the scene where our heroic avenger of all of life’s wrongs, Dr. Mike, shoots the illegal alien who was thinking of taking that ditch-digging job, thus robbing an honest American of $2.00 an hour.  And it would lead up to the scene where Dr. Mike shoots the coven of NOW harpies who emasculated him by saying “vagina, vagina.” 
Anyway, the “dog poop scene” would feature our strapping hero, Dr. Mike, seeing the criminal canine, divining its intent, and then making a typical witty action hero quip like, “Hey, don’t poop on my lawn!”  But this just enrages the Islamofascist husky, who then barks at Mr. Mike, causing him to run into the house, lock his door, and whimper while he fondles his lovely girlfriend (the Glock he bought in March).  It would be pure cinematic gold!
Dr. Mike writes more about the naughty pooping husky (bad dog, husky!) and his attempts to be the unmannerly, aggressive alpha dog of Dr. Mike’s block (a job that’s already taken!).  But let’s cut to the obligatory “smelly hippie” reference:
Finally, the husky chased a long-haired teenaged hippy as he was walking past the owner’s house. (Actually I thought this was kind of funny because, generally, I like dogs more than hippies as the latter bath less and usually smell worse).
Ha ha!  Nobody writes “smelly hippie” jokes like Dr. Mike!  (At least, nobody living in the 21st century.) 
Anyway, the drama continues to unfold, and we learn that it’s not just the brutish husky pooping on Dr. Mike’s lawn, but also his partner in crime, one of those urbane Euro-trash evil-genius villains, the Shih Tzu! 
Unfortunately, my PETA-philic neighbor has the same view of her tiny Shih Tzu. And, unfortunately, it likes to take a Shih Tzu on my lawn every morning around six a.m.Finally, after a couple of years of scooping the little Shih Tzu’s daily Shih Tzus I spoke to the owner. She suggested that I had been using “a foot and a half” of “her lawn” for two years so I had no right to complain about her Shih Tzu’s Shih Tzus.At first I did not understand the remark.
Upon further research, I realized that my neighbors had accidentally placed their fence about a foot and a half on their side of the property line. This means that for a few years I’ve been cutting a portion of their lawn. And since I’ve enjoyed the privilege of cutting a portion of their lawn, I ought to be delighted that their Shih Tzu is taking a Shih Tzu on my lawn. In fact, in their view, I should handle the piles of Shih Tzu with a smile on my face.
You know where this irrational thinking comes from, don’t you? It comes from PETA.
Um, right.  Of course it does.  PETA is undoubtedly responsible for all the irrational thinking in Dr. Mike’s neighborhood.  They are also clearly to blame for how all of Mr. Mike’s neighbors encourage their dogs to poop on his lawn.   (If only Jonah Goldberg was telling this tale, we could make reference to that bit where Reverend Lovejoy tells his dog to do its “dirty, sinful business” on Ned Flanders lawn, but I don’t think Dr. Mike watches “The Simpsons,” since it’s undoubtedly written by dirty hippies — so, we’ll have to get our comedy directly from Dr. Mike.) 
Dr. Mike goes on to try to implicate civil rights proponents for the thinking that led to his neighborhood poop war, but it’s not one of his better paranoid efforts — he apparently spent his wad making all of those Shih Tzu shit jokes.  So, we are left to conclude that the only solution to this waking nightmare is is to buy more guns, because you’ll need  a stockpile of at least 400 firearms (and a few heat-seeking missles) when the Shih Tzus attack.  They have poop, and they’re not afraid to use it! 

Oh, and if you have any more ideas for scenes that should be included in “Dr Mike: The Movie,” be sure and mention them.
Posted by s.z. on January 1st, 2008

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