The World O' Crap Archive

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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

You Got Your Jesus In My Old Testament!

Doug Giles, Pastor of Our Lady of Sorry Your Room is Near the Ice Machine, has a new column up at Townhall. Why don’t we start an office pool on how long he can go before making a Rosie O’Donnell is Fat joke, shall we?
The thought of having to choose between Huckabee and Hillary (or whomever the Left tosses up) come November 2008 is about as appealing to me as the option of watching Rosie O’Donnell river dance naked at 11:00 PM verses watching Rosie O’Donnell river dance naked at 11:15 PM.
The first paragraph? Forget it. Bet’s off. He clearly took a dive.
I know as an evangelical I’m supposed to get all giddy and stuff that we have an “on fire” brother do-si-doing up to be the next Commander in Chief, but elated I am not. The main reason being?
Because you’re too busy with your Conversational Yoda classes?
No, wait. I forget that Doug is a man of the cloth, so his concerns naturally stem from the eternal struggle between Neville Chamberlain and Winston Churchill…
Now, why do I hypothetically think Mike would morph into Neville Chamberlain if ever to interface with crazy Islamic bastards who like blowing stuff up? … I think he’s naïve, and I’m definitely not getting that Churchill feeling from him.
It’s getting a little sad the way our Home Front Warriors in the War on Terror have begun sneaking around the GOP candidates and surreptitiously squeezing them like a housewife in a Charmin commercial, hoping to feel subcutaneous pockets of Churchillian courage, softness, and absorbency. If I were a Republican Presidential aspirant tramping through Iowa, I’d augment my Secret Service detail with Mr. Whipple.
As a Christian, I’m glad Huckabee is a believer and is anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage; however, my brethren, that’s not enough for moi. In this upcoming election my main issue is our nation’s right to life, and Huckabee, well . . . he just ain’t convincing me.
I used to think there is just no pleasing people like Doug. They demand a government administered on biblical principles, and they get the Bush Administration, anti-Roe judges, abstinence-only sex ed, federal funds for religious charities, and, as the late night commercials are prone to ejaculate, so much more!
And yet, they feel hollow and unfulfilled. Then they get both an ordained Baptist minister and a former missionary running for president, and still, it’s not enough. Because the last person fundamentalist Christians want running their theocracy is Christ, with his tolerance for taxes, his pity for the poor and his rejection of violence. American evangelicals don’t want that wimp from the New Testament, they want his old man, the god who told Saul, “Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.” These are the people who went to This Boy’s Life, and rooted for Robert De Niro. They’re not interested in electoral, legislative or judicial victories, they don’t want to win the cultural war through example and moral suasion. They want a man on horseback who will spread the faith by the sword. A guy like Mohammed, say. Just with less melanin, and shoulders you could land a 747 on.
Posted by scott on Sunday, December 30th, 2007 at 5:43 pm.

15 Responses to “You Got Your Jesus In My Old Testament!”

Huckabee believes that with a little less talk and a little more conversation we can get Iranian megalomaniacs who’re nuttier than a squirrel turd to dial down. Governor, do you really think that you can horse whisper this implacable crowd away from their fantasy of global domination and our eradication?
Anyone who thinks that Iran is on the verge of global dominationis nuttier than a squirrel turd.
Also, can anyone explain to me what difference is would have made if Churchill were in charge in 1938? Would the war have really gone any differently if it had started a year earlier? Would Hitler have been so terrified of that Churchillian resolve that he would given up his plans for world domination?
that’s not enough for moi
ruh roh, is Pastor Doug turning surrender monkey on us?
and isn’t JoeMentum a big fan of teh old testament schtick? maybe he can be the Repugs nominee
Just with less melanin, and shoulders you could land a 747 on.
Funny thing, I don’t think the Mitt is going to fly with this crowd, either.
There’s just no pleasing some folks.
Conservative Christianity in the US seems to have become a war cult, and Huckabee is failing to talk up their real values, I guess.
Perhaps at one of his rallies, Huckabee should spit a mouthful of goat blood at a map of Iran, then turn to his audience and roar a bloody-faced war cry.
TM: I know what you mean, it’s frightening stuff. I wonder if there’s a conservitive Christian version of the bible which pretty much consists of the books of Genisis, Revalations, the first and last few chapaters of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (can’t mention any of those liberal teachings); and any verses that allow them to hate gays.
I can’t decide if he knows he is on average every day making the world a darker and more evil place, and simply doesn’t care, or if he honestly thinks he’s bringing light. Well-intentioned families used to lock people like this in the attic so they couldn’t destroy everything they touched.
I’m fed up with Doug. At this point, really all I want to do is beat him to death with a lemon zester. Uncharitable, I know, but can any of you say you wouldn’t do the same given the chance?
My wingnut fundie cousin hates liberals but loves Jesus.
I told her that if she ever read the New Testament that she would know that Jesus was a liberal. Thank God she stopped speaking to me.j
I should have told her that sooner.
She’s a very good Christian with two kids born out of wedlock and one marriage that lasted about 6 months. I think she’s still with that one.
I’ve never fathered an out of wedlock child and will never divorce my wife.
She has morals because she goes to church.
I am immoral because I don’t.
HAhahaha that shit cracks me up.I’m just glad that my father was in the Army and I didn’t grow up in Bumfuck Loosiana.
>>dance naked at 11:00 PM verses watching
Verses? Verses????
Geez, what a dope.
Shorter Giles:
Huckabee is TOO Christian to be anything but a minister.
D. Sidhe,
Personally, Giles and Swank both derserve the “Edward II
I’ll stick with the lemon zester, thanks. Out of curiosity, would Doug be any happier with Huckabee if he knew about the DuMond thing?
Because the last person fundamentalist Christians want running their theocracy is Christ, with his tolerance for taxes, his pity for the poor and his rejection of violence.
I love this site.
Because the last person fundamentalist Christians want running their theocracy is Christ.
Right on!
These are the people who went to This Boy’s Life, and rooted for Robert De Niro.
Made me laugh. Well put!
They’ve GOT to hate the gay. otherwise they would never be able to maintain an erection when they’re in those toilet stalls.
Personally, Giles and Swank both derserve the “Edward II“
Funny, I think of them as more Richard the Thirds.

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