The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Hollywood War On Christmas Report With MaryC

Dateline: Downtown Los Angeles!
School: Public School
Why: I Work There and it’s the Holidays!!
Who: Ponch!!!!!!!!
How: Every year at this time, just to spite Bill O’Reilly, the various law enforcement departments of the city, state and federal branches decide to get together and do a fun Christmas themed thingy for the children of a school in a low income area. Well. Let’s be honest. They have been doing it for the past several years for my school, only. And now the other schools have been complaining about being left out of the reindeer games, so this was our last year with the Extra Special Christmas Special: Secret Service Santa. And this year WAS extra special, for we had a very special guest star: ERIK ESTRADA!
At first, I was feeling kinda disappointed with this year’s War On Christmas event at our public school in the bluer than blue city of Los Angeles; Big Bad Agent Elf wasn’t on hand to arrest and frog march the Grinch off to AbuWhosville Ghraib, plus the Grinch wasn’t his former furry self! He was wearing a lime green sweatsuit! And he didn’t even have a water gun! Just a lame plastic Candy Cane that my first grade toughs promised to make him eat if he tried to steal their presents.And then….came the announcement, “We have here with us, a special guest. He used to be in the CHP, and patroled around our neighborhood…”. Right away I’m thinking it’s a CHP guy ready to retire and is doing the SS Santa thing one last time. But I was wrong. “You teachers who grew up in the 70′s and 80′s might remember him…” ZOMG! I grew up in the 70′s and 80′s! And I had a HUGE crush on a guy who wore a CHP uniform! Oh no, it couldn’t be! “Everyone give a big “Merry Christmas” to TV’s Ponch! Erik Estrada!!!!”
At this point, things got a bit chaotic. Female teachers trampled over their young charges to have their picture’s taken with the former Latino pin-up/real estate spokesguy/telenovela star. I, however, remained cool. I had no desire to have my picture taken with the bronzed Aztec God that is Erik Estrada. I had dribbled cranberry juice on my white school logo-ed sweatshirt that morning and I looked a mess! No way would I let Erik see me like that!
For a brief moment on December 13, 2007…I was 12 years old again. It was truly a Christmas Miracle. An SCTV-like Christmas Miracle, but a Miracle all the same.
Posted by Maryc on December 19th, 2007

5 Responses to “The Hollywood War On Christmas Report With MaryC”

So you met Erik Estrada almost one week ago, and didn’t bother letting us know until today? Imagine if jesus had neglected his followers like that, Bill-O would be reduced to ranting about those who ignored the true meaning of Saturnalia, or some other godforsaken pagan cult, instead of protecting and promoting the one true cult (OTC(tm)).
We used to try to hit his teeth on the boob toob with spit balls, what a noob.
Shut-ins might recall that Estrada became a Muncie reserve police officer on some reality show. Well, he returned last month to maintain his status.
So Mary, y’know you’re welcome to come to Indiana any time. I guarantee I can get you arrested in Muncie.
I guarantee I can get you arrested in Muncie.
Sure, but can you get her a “Ball U” hoodie?
Did he try to sell you a time share on the Gold Coast of Florida? In Spanish?
Then it wasn’t Estrada. It was one of his bodyguard-doubles that he hired ever since he wrested control of a middle eastern oil caliphate.
Arrgh! That picture! I thought for a minute I’d gottenTigerBeat’s website instead of WO’C.

No comments:

Post a Comment