The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

How Much False Witness Can You Bear?

It’s been awhile since we’ve checked in with Doug Giles, Townhall columnist, Hemingwayesque Big Game botherer, jive talkin’ internet radio host, and Bishop of the Residence Inn of Aventura, FL.
Its like the Gospel of Jesus Christ as preached by the Sham-Wow guy.
This week, Pastor Giles has entered some sort of extreme sports competition, in which the apparent goal is to pack as many pre-debunked wingnut talking points as possible into an 800-word column.  Let’s grab a Mountain Dew and see how he does…
Obama said in his latest hem-hawing, foreign policy bloviating, what-the-hell-is-he-talkin’-about press conference that “we need to have a vigorous debate” regarding Iran’s current tyrannical Muslim-based governmental crushing of young people who desire a touch of freedom.
We need to debate? “We” who, BHO?
Good question, Doug.  Let’s go to the transcript…Unfortunately, I can’t find any evidence that Obama uttered those words during his June 23 press conference, and while Google doesn’t want to come right out and call bullshit on a minister, it does strongly imply that your only source for the quote seems to be your own first paragraph.
So Pastor Giles’s prevarications are coming on strong, right out of the gate, but will he be able to maintain the pace?
I’m guessin’ he is talking about American liberals and conservatives because—from what I can deduce from the YouTube vids—it appears as if the Iranian dissidents aren’t looking for lively banter with the death dealing, lying through coffee-stained teeth religious whack jobs who look like a group of angry, homeless Santa Clauses on crack.
I’m not sure this qualifies as a falsehood, but the non sequitur about coffee-stained teeth suggests Doug has founded a radical new school in the art of public invective — an intriguing fusion of surrealism and the Book of Mormon.
FYI to the Whitehouse: Ayatollahs, mullahs, and Ahmadinejads don’t discuss stuff.
Which is why they’ve outlawed cocktail parties in Iran.  The lack of small talk made things awkward as they all just stood around, listlessly spearing Vienna Franks out of the chafing dish.
They shoot you in the face.
I don’t blame people for objecting to Obama’s secret Muslim faith.  At least Mullah Cheney was upfront about it.
Uncut Islam doesn’t debate; it deals death to dissenters and, it seems, Mohammed is cool with that. Jesus isn’t okay with it, but Mohammed is.
Wow.  Your god’s a wuss.
From what I’ve seen, historically speaking, a vigorous and beneficial chat is the perk that a Judeo-Christian based nation, which has an armed citizenry, gets to enjoy.
Pssst!  Doug!  Look behind you — it’s Great Britain!
Oppressive, mucked-up Muslim nations like Iran don’t argue about their bogus elections or dictates with intelligent, liberty-loving, non step-n-fetch rebels.
As stated, they pistol whip them, split their skulls with a night stick, drag non-compliant co-eds around by their scalps, or simply pull out their guns and double tap the center mass of the unarmed non-compliants.
God only knows what we’re going find out about the June 24th, 2009 massacre in Baharestan square. I heard they used axes and threw protestors off pedestrian bridges.
Ah . . . Islam in action. How peaceful. What an awesome religion.
Y’know, after watching the past two weeks of Ayatollahs Gone Wild, slamming their zealous fists on their podiums, spewing more propaganda than Robert Gibbs does during his weekly presser, and pummeling any and all dissenting voices, I’m sure many people around the world are lining up to become Muslims and move to a country governed by mullahs. It looks fun, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a little bloody and oppressive and all, but hey . . . nobody is perfect.
It must be nice to live in la-la-land where trees are made of chocolate, where cigarettes fall from heaven, where you can print trillions of dollars and idiots approve it, where your administration can Pac Man the private sector, tax the crap out of our people, rob their health care, hard sell us bogus energy bills, while gutting the constitution—a place where you get to be the leader of the most powerful place on the planet simply because you can read a mean teleprompter.
And it’s called…Crawford, Texas.
I don’t believe the Iranians who’d like a free election (shame on them) want us to mediate a spicy round table spat. I think they desire a little more. I think they want us to meddle on a Guns & Ammo type level.
Exactly, they’d like us to sell them magazine subscriptions.  Why, I remember when I freed Myanmar singlehandedly by selling them twelve issues of GRIT!
Thus the protest signs in English. Kinda seems odd they’d go English with their placards if they didn’t want our attention and involvement.
Sure, even though “English is the most widely taught and understood language in the world, and sometimes is described as a lingua franca” I’m sure they were totally making eyes at us.
I, for one, believe that we should meddle in such slave states. The “we” I believe that should intervene is the old America spelled with a “c” and not the new Amerika spelled with a “k”.
Obama’s secret plan calls for using the poor man’s Red Dawn to rally the nation’s dormant Soviet fifth Column.
The reason I think it’s a good thing Obama and his admin stays the hell out of this Iranian throw down is two fold: If the young Iranians can topple their crap government, it’ll be a real morale boost, eh? I know it was for America’s founding fathers, God bless ‘em.
Wait — so we shouldn’t give them all gift subscriptions to Guns And Ammo?  Now I’m totally lost…is he lying here, or just babbling?  My scorecard is a mess…
Secondly, if I were a Neda in Iran, I wouldn’t trust Obama as far as I could spit a loogie. Why? Well, it seems as if he has a soft spot for Muslim terrorists.
During Back to the Future, a young Obama was known to stand up in the theater and totally root for the Libyans.
Finally, mad to props to GWB for spawning hope for free elections in the heart of young Iranians as they watched their next-door neighbors enjoy real democracy in Iraq.
I’ll go farther: insane propellers to GWB for showing the Iranians that if it ain’t got car bombs and sectarian violence, it ain’t democracy.
Posted by scott on June 27th, 2009

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