Over at Pajamas (We Thought the Name Was Ironic at the Time) Media, Andrew Klavan is busy growing a petri dish full of wisdom in his column, Klavan On The Culture. Andrew, who has graced WO’C once or twice in the past, is the author of numerous novels and screenplays. Here’s a taste of his latest opus:
The Last Thing I Remember
Apr 30, 2009
Apr 30, 2009
Andrew’s new suspense novel for Young Adults is now available at bookstores and amazon.com. “The Last Thing I Remember” is the story of Charlie West, an ordinary, straight arrow teenager who goes to bed one night and wakes up strapped to a chair being tortured by jihadists. Charlie’s desperate struggle to find out how he got into a situation like this will challenge him in every way, forcing him to rely on his faith, his courage and his fighting skills to stay alive. This is the first novel in Andrew’s Homelanders series
Wow, it’s like The Hardy Boys meet Hostel. Fans of Andrew’s YA fiction will be excited to learn he’s just signed on to pen the revival of The Baby-sitters Club series:
Jessi and the JihadistsAll your favorites are back! When Jessi and Mallory are raped and murdered by Islamofascists, it’s up to original Baby-sitter Club members Kristy, Claudia, Mary Anne, and Stacey to hunt them down through the mean streets of Stoneybrook and exact a bloody revenge. This is the first novel in Andrews Blut Madchen series.
This week, Andrew went to see The Hangover, and he’s returned brimming with conservative insights. Unlike most critics, he didn’t find the film particularly funny — but that’s only because he thought it was a documentary.
A lot of critics get all huffy about this depiction of the sexes [in film comedies]…But you know what? I suspect a lot of it is simple realism. More and more often I meet young guys just like this: overgrown kids who are their grim wives’ poodles…They “share” household and child-rearing tasks equally – which isn’t really equal at all because they don’tcare about a clean house or a well-reared child anywhere near as much as their wives do.
Most men, faced with raising a child, would gladly abandon it in the forest and hope a pack of wolves will pick up the slack. Which is why conservatives must continue the fight against marriage equality. This holy institution, as we know, was anointed by God for the purpose of begetting and rearing children, even though a full 50% of the partnership couldn’t give a crap about it. So imagine what would happen to children growing up in a house where both partners were male? The home of the typical married gay couple would be a filthy sty full of feral toddlers. So I guess that means we should only let lesbians get married…Wait. No. Because then they could still fool us by getting a sex change like Chastity Bono and just start the whole horrible cycle all over again!
In short, each one seems set to spend his life taking orders from a perpetually dissatisfied Mrs. who sounds to me – forgive me but just speaking in all honesty – like a bloody shrike. Who can blame these poor shnooks if they go out and get drunk or laid or just plain divorced?
Women with their own personalities are the reason the rates of alcoholism, STDs, and divorce are so high in this country. What we need, instead of changes in statute to permit same-sex couples to wed, is a fundamental reform of the law that will recognize marriage as a union between one man and one Realdoll™.
I’m the old-fashioned King of the Castle type: my wife knew it when she married me, she knows it now, and she knows where the door is if she gets sick of it.
Now that’s True Love. It reminds me of Romeo and Juliet; but instead of taking their own lives, rather than face a life without love, they beat each other to death with shovels in the crypt.
And you can curse me or consign me to Feminist Hell or whatever you want to do. But when you’re done, answer me this: why would a man get married under any other circumstances? I’m serious. What’s in it for him? I mean, marriage is a large sacrifice for a man. He gives up his right to sleep with a variety of partners, which is as basic an urge in men as having children is in women.
Apparently Andrew thinks the life of the average single guy is a nonstop roundelay of hot chicks, cool jazz, dry martinis, and large black velvet bow ties. Whereas I think of it more as a Tilt-A-Whirl of Mac-n-Cheese, psycho roommates, awkward first dates, and ziggurats of accumulated laundry.
He takes on responsibilities which will probably curtail both his work and his social life. If he doesn’t also acquire authority, gravitas, respect and, yes, mastery over his own home, what does he get? Companionship? Hey, stay single, dude, you’ll have a lot more money, and then you can buycompanionship.
As Maggie Gallagher’s National Organization for Marriage states: “Love is a great thing. But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of husband and wife for each other and their children.” On the downside, it cuts into Daddy’s whoring.
All right, I know, I’m a mean old man. But I’ve also been blissfully married for 30 years to a woman who wakes up singing.
Ah, so she’s insane. That explains it.
I think some of these young guys have been sold a bill of goods, I really do. I think they’ve been told what they’re supposed to be like and have sacrificed what they are like. Maybe their marriages are more “fair” than mine but just looking at them, I think they’re miserable. And I suspect, deep down, their wives are probably miserable too.
Yes, if there’s one thing women hate, it’s equality. And spiders. And that weird form of sleep apnea where you wake up in the middle of the night belting out “Brush Up Your Shakespeare” from Kiss Me Kate.
Posted by scott on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 pm