The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I Just Hate You! And I Hate Your Ass Face!

Over at RedState, E Pluribus Unum is, true to his name, making out of many snits, one giant tizzy.
He starts off reasonably enough, using his inside voice…
By all means report the facts. I’m sure you’ll be happy to cover every salacious detail. Have at it. Be sure to cover the pain and suffering of Governor Sanford’s family. While you are at it, cover the depth to which all South Carolina and nation-wide Republicans and conservatives rightly feel betrayed.
But there’s only so much a Wolverine can take, and by the second paragraph he’s gone Full Color Font on us.
Beyond that, just shut up. Shut your lying, hypocritical, power-above-patriotism, hyper-partisan, two-faced, shamelessly double-standard bearing pie hole.
Then, he silences our juvenile tittering with a quotation from Patrick Henry’s eloquent “You’re Not the Boss of Me!” speech:

You don’t get to judge.

Look, pal, nobody over here is setting themselves up as an arbiter of the public morals.  This isn’t the Inquisition; it’s just a little schadenfreude.  Relax.
The Library of Congress could hardly contain chapter and verse of the multitudes of ways the press and the other Democrats have gotten away with judging Republicans by wholly different standards than that applied to Democrats. But that double standard is both obvious and as wide as the Grand Canyon. You show no honor, no equity, no fairness, and no scruples yourselves. You, to put it mildly, do not police your own.
I thought that’s what FoxNews was for.
We do. We’ll deal with Sanford.
A swift blow with an ice-axe to the back of the skull, then we start airbrushing him out of all the May Day photos!
We have standards (you don’t), and we have a long history of punishing and purging our leaders who prove unworthy of trust.
Remember John Ensign?  Rush Limbaugh?  David Vitter?  Larry Craig?  Ha!  Didn’t think so!  And don’t even try to find the bodies!
For your part, serial adulterer Bill Clinton remains a rock star as far as you are concerned, and that about sums up the standards to which Democrats hold themselves.
You seem confused, Mr. Unum.  Perhaps I can help…You see, if liberals say, for instance, that they consider marital infidelity a matter between husband and wife, rather than husband and House of Representatives, it would then be hypocritical to judge Clinton’s presidency largely on the basis of how well he cleaved unto his spouse.  But as a Congressman, Sanford voted to impeach President Clinton, and don’t we owe it to Republicans to judge them by their own declared standards?  Anything else would suggest we doubt their sincerity.
So, spare us your mock outrage, your tut-tutting, your finger-wagging, your eyebrows furrowed in anger.
I think you’re confusing us with one of Newt Gringrich’s ex-wives. These are purely tears of joy.
If you are well and truly outraged by Mark Sanford’s adultery
On the contrary, I’m impressed by a guy who’ll travel over 5000 miles for a booty call.
…but could not trouble yourself to muster even a little mild disapproval against the cretin who wiped his feet with the honor of the office of President of the United States, then you are a hypocrite yourself of the lowest stripe. You are unworthy to judge.
Hey, I never claimed to be the umpire, Uma.  I’m just another bleacher bum enjoying our nation’s pastime.

So just shut up.

And with that, he called us “bastard people!” and ran home to bite his pillow.

Posted by scott on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 4:19 pm

40 Responses to “I Just Hate You! And I Hate Your Ass Face!”

So just shut up.
Not as long as there’s that freedom of speech thing going. Feeling a little defensive, Sparky?
You forgot Rudy. And Newt seems to have paid off whatever they required of him. Oh, and Helen Chenoweth, and Arhnuld.
The was the saddest Chris Crocker impression I’ve ever seen.
And what about that creepy falafel phone sex/molestation thing that O’Reilly had to pay out for?
You don’t get to judge.
Who’s judging? I’m laughing hysterically!
I’m judging. But that’s only because this prick has been judging my relationship. The actual difference, though, is I don’t get to make Sanford’s relationship illegal because I consider it terribly immoral. More to the point, I can’t see myself actually even trying.
Okay, so just as earlier today we were driven to note that the wife who says, “Never say no to sex” is, by definition having it with a man who views her as a fleshlight with culinary skills, we are now compelled to rise in the service of a simple idea, namely that if you wouldn’t fucking identify with a political party the way Boston fans identify with the Red Sox, if you’d knock off the “patriotism vs. power” horseshit, if you’d take an honest look around at the record, for once, you wouldn’t invest your self-worth, let alone your cash, on a group of people who’re glad to have the latter and couldn’t give a shit about you otherwise.
After eight years of Bush-Cheney, listening to a die-hard Republican complain he’s forced to eat a big plate of Mark “2012″ Sanford with a side order of John Ensign is like hearing someone complain he found a hair in his shit sandwich.
EPU writes: >i>So, spare us your mock outrage, your tut-tutting, your finger-wagging, your eyebrows furrowed in anger.
Right, ’cause that’s your territory. Hell, you’ve got the damn trademark rights to wagging, tutting and furrowing.
For example, here’s Mark Sanford on Bill Clinton back in ’98. Don’t know if he wagged, but I bet he furrowed up one side of the street and down the other.
“The bottom line, though, is he still lied. He lied under a different oath, and that is the oath to his wife. So it’s got to be taken very, very seriously.”
Wait, is it even possible to furrow an eyebrow?
I’m not sure what that ‘policing your own’ stuff is about. You only have to scroll down a few inches from this SFTU-or-die-DFHs puffery to find a posting by Senator Freedom Diaper himself. Made the same day, no less.
Wait, is it even possible to furrow an eyebrow?
Mike Tyson was sporting that look at one time, IIRC.
But if we’re going to start harshing on Mr Unum for spouting garbled and half-remembered figures of speech without self-editing them to check that they actually make any sense, then let me be the first to ask when “lowest stripe” came to mean the same as “worst stripe”. Or when ‘equity’ became a desirable quality in the same category ‘honor’ ‘fairness’ and ‘scruples’.
How come he gets to judge whether I get to judge?
All passengers will have their proof-of-morality documents ready for inspection at the next stop.
The purge that’s taking place over there is unbelievably hilarious. Anyone who makes a comment that hints at thoughtfulness is branded a goddamn liberal DemonCrap troll and banned. They are going to end up with a highly-distilled brand of stupid before too much more time passes.
“The purge that’s taking place over there is unbelievably hilarious.”
They keep asking why Sanford should be judged a moral scold. How could wingnuts ever forget his impeachment votes against Clinton, and his righteous denial of gay marriage?
The best part is their own abject failures to be the very thing on which they pride themselves: fine judges of moral character. Yetanother charlatan punks them but good, and they lack the guts even to get angry with him. Pathetic, yet in a most yummy way…
A trifle ouchy, isn’t he?
Me, I don’t care what goes on between any grown person and his falafel. But, as my dear ol’ dad used to say, don’t hand me a line a crap when you have a turd in your own pocket.
Oddly enough, I agree with him, altho for reasons not bordering on a complete personality detachment.
Scott writes: I thought that’s what FoxNews was for.
Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot. Here’s the Fair and Balanced news network “policing its own” in what’s come to be something of a Fox tradition.
You may have my furrowing sir, and perhaps even my wagging. But my tutting? Never, I say, never.
p.s. Am I the first person today to invite you to fuck yourself? Didn’t think so…
The inability of Republicans to understand what’s actually wrong with Mark Sanford is hysterical.
It’s not hysterical when they’re wagging their goddamn fingers and furrowing their brows yet again at someone else.
It’s hard to remember now, in these heady days of Omnipotent NETROOTS but “MoveOn” was actually called “Censure and Move On”. In other words acknowledge the fact that Bill Clinton did something wrong but not monumentally so and let’s get back to things that really matter, like Al Gore not saying he invented the internet.
It was the morally relative thing to do of course. Express mild distain and get over it. Something these cockbiting scolds couldn’t do. Instead we enjoyed endless lectures from fatuous gasbags whose collective hypocrisies would have been able to power the sun for another billion years if we could have somehow converted hypocrisy into energy.
And so now here we are — after 13 years, just about every fucking loser who voted for Impeachment has been exposed as the frauds we all knew they were back then. And they were the ones who brought it up to begin with. Them and the media.
So we still say “Move On” but these braying idiots keep falling into the Escher steps of morality that they fucking invented. I can’t decide whether Pyrric Victory (which was never a victory anyway, except for maybe cutting Gore off at the knees) or Frankenstein is the proper metaphor here.
How did Gov. Sanford see into my dreams ?
As a congressman, Sanford voted in favor of three of four articles of impeachment against President Bill Clinton, citing the need for “moral legitimacy.” — from multiple sources on the Sanford story
Just remember, kids: IOKIYAR trumps everything every time in every situation.
In honor of this delightful post at RedState, I suggest that henceforth you refer to him as E Pluribus Tantrum with an appropriate link.
If they actually were‘policing their own’ then Sanford wouldn’t have been making inter-hemispheric booty calls !
From Jay B.:
“these braying idiots keep falling into the Escher steps of marality that they fucking invented.”
that’s frakkin’ brilliant.
So, spare us your mock outrage, your tut-tutting, your finger-wagging, your eyebrows furrowed in anger.
Okay. How about this instead:

but could not trouble yourself to muster even a little mild disapproval against the cretin who wiped his feet with the honor of the office of President of the United States,
I think I made myself quite clear how I felt about George W. Bush.
OT but a good cause
I work with one of the guys.
If it isn’t clear from the link they are participating in the Race Across America.
Methinks someone’s twelve year old daughter took over the RedState page that day.
I had a good time judging him. Not only did I judge the worthless motherfucker, I whapped him a few times upside the head with the Golden Bat o’Clue. E Pubis Tantrum has certainly inspired me to try again.
You know, the whole idea of going out of town to cheat kinda loses it’s effectiveness when you’re so out of town that you’re getting your passport stamped.
Also, disappearing from work and home for five days for pretty much anything is a deal breaker right there.
So, let me get this straight in my head. We on the left don’t get to judge because oddly-named fuckstick says so? But the aforementioned fuckstick has the right to judge Clinton?
No. Not really. I’ll judge whomever I want. Starting with you, Fuckstick.
See how easy and fun it is?
I suggest that henceforth you refer to him as E Pluribus Tantrum
Tig over at S,N! suggested “E Pluribus Onan”, though I am personally promoting “E Shortbus Unum”.
Then, E Pluribus Unum should agree that the U.S. (including McCain, Graham & FauxNews) don’t get to judge Iran !
In breaking news, Sanford is now citing the story of David and Bathsheba to support his idea he can soldier on.
Who *are* all these Libs who’ve been angrily knitting their brows at Sanford? I thought everyone was, like, laughing at him?
Brows angrily knitted are a real turn-on for me, providing they are LIBERAL brows.
“…They are going to end up with a highly-distilled brand of stupid before too much more time passes…”
White Lightning? aka: weißer Blitz!
From Jay B.:
“these braying idiots keep falling into the Escher steps of marality that they fucking invented.”
that’s frakkin’ brilliant.
Left by Bill S on June 25th, 2009
Me too! Good one! REAL good one!
Hey, at least Clinton didn’t run off and leave the office unattended. In fact he didn’t leave the office, in one case he completed a phone call. He was on the job, multi-tasking all the way.

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