The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 7, 2011

March 13, 2004 by s.z.

From the Department of "It's Just Not Fair!"

For a sad media story, here's this one from the the NewxMax Insider Report (which is only available to us insiders who signed up to get it, and at least 20 spam emails, weekly):
1. White House Keeps Washington Times ‘Out In Siberia’
A top editor at the Washington Times recently complained to us, "The White House treats us like we're in Siberia."
The editor complained that hoped for exclusives from the Republican administration to the nation's leading conservative-leaning newspaper have never materialized.
"When they have a story, they still run to the Washington Post," the editor said with some frustration.
The editor noted that during the Iraq war, the cold shoulder treatment hurt even more because then Pentagon spokeswomen Torie Clark "treated us like the enemy," our source said.
With the upcoming election little is changing.
Some media pundits were surprised to find out that Bush insider Karen Hughes gave her exclusive TV interview for her soon-to-be released book "Ten Minutes from Normal" to CNN.
Just how lame is the "nation's leading conservative-leaning newspaper" when even the Bush administration snubs it?

And how pathetic do you have to be to whine to NewsMax about being snubbed?

And Karen has a soon-to-be released book while I have no publishers beating down my door?  Who can I whine to about that?

11:38:24 PM    

So Typical

Oh, NewsMax -- nobody really thinks of you as a news source, but could you at least TRY to make your misinformation a little less obvious?

Case in point: one of today's headlines on the NewsMax home page
Media Censor Spy Suspect's Democrat Ties So typical: The media establishment doesn't want you to know that Saddam spy suspect Susan Lindauer worked for four congressional Democrats.
Well, if they don't want me to know, why do they they tell me about it?  Because every story I've read about the case included the information.  But let's click on the link and learn about that censoring by the media:
Accused Iraq spy Susan Lindauer worked exclusively for some of the most left-wing Democrats in Congress, but Americans who get their news from the mainstream press aren't likely to learn about her political predelictions.
Of the 120 main press reports so far on Lindauer's arrest yesterday, only 12 expressly identified her former employers as Democrats.
First of all, she's not an "accused Iraq spy" -- anybody who read 120 press reports should have picked up on the fact that she's actually accused of "conspiring to act as an unregistered agent of the Iraqi government" and violating restrictions on travel and financial dealings with Iraq.  Not espionage.  She traveled to Iraq.  She got money from Iraqi intelligence.  She sent her second (not distant) cousin, Andrew Card, a letter asking him to urge the Bush administration to delay military action against Iraq.  That seems to be it. 

If NewsMax thinks that's a "spy," then we'd like to tell them about the exciting espionage adventures of this guy who made a deal to get $2 million in stock from a semiconductor firm whose main investors include the son of the former President of China.  The guy said it's for doing occasional consulting work about the semiconductor industry, but he admits he has no training or background in semiconductors.  That's it, but we can fill in the rest with a background in sleaziness and hot-and-cold running babes.  I think we'll call our story Fiery Balls.

Anyway, we don't have time to look up 120 main press stories to prove that NewsMax is wrong, so let's just took at some of the known "liberal" papers from that mainstream media and see what they said about Lindauer's Democratic former employers:

First, the LA Times:
A cousin of White House chief of staff Andrew H. Card Jr., Lindauer also worked on the staffs of four congressional Democrats, including Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-San Jose).
Now, the NY Times
After stints as a journalist in the 1980's and early 90's, Ms. Lindauer worked as press secretary for a number of Democrats on Capitol Hill, including, in 1996, Senator Carol Moseley Braun of Illinois, who ran unsuccessfully for her party's presidential nomination this year.
In 2002, starting just four days after the period in which the indictment said she had traveled to Baghdad, she worked as a press secretary to Representative Zoe Lofgren, Democrat of California. Ms. Lofgren said in a statement that Ms. Lindauer left her staff after eight weeks. "To my knowledge, this employee had no access to sensitive information," Ms. Lofgren said.
How about the first Washington Post story on the case?
She worked for Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Ore., in 1993 and Rep. Ron Wyden, D-Ore., in 1994. She joined the office of Sen. Carol Moseley Braun, D-Ill., as press secretary in 1996. In 2002, she worked for Rep. Zoe Lofgren, D-Calif.   
So, if the media establishment is trying to censor this information, they aren't doing a very good job of it.  Or, as is more likely, NewsMax just did a faulty Lexis-Nexis search.  Hey, it can happen to anyone.  Well, to Ann Coulter.  

Oh, and how did NewsMax learn of Lindauer's Democratic employment?  Did they pound the pavement, digging up this info that the media establishment wouldn't cover?  Um, no.  It seems they found out by reading the A.P story.  Damn that censorious media establishment!

11:05:49 PM    

An Alternative

Okay, The Passion of the Christ.  It caused Ann Coulter to defend Jesus from the liberals who would try to make his religion into something wimpy about loving your neighbor, instead of about extreme crucifiction.  It made Bill O'Reilly defend Mel Gibson from the evil Frank Rich who has the nerve to not appear on Bill's show because he thinks Bill is humorless! (More about that later.)  The smarty-pants reviewers of the film showed this woman that George Bush was going to win the presidency in 2004 ("I feel a mounting army of Christian people all over this country who are sick and tired of the Hollywood critics telling us what to go see, and the political pundits telling us how to vote.")

And frankly, I'm getting tired of it.  So, here's another religious movie that I suggest the public take to its bosom.  It has a guy getting beat to a pulp for Ann.  It has somebody nice, clean Superbowl half-time shows for Bill.  It has another charismatic leader for that Bush supporter.  And it has breasts for everybody else.
So, from our book-in-progress Subliminal Cinema, here's the first part of chapter 5, and Scott C.'s recap of Satan's Cheerleaders.


In the age-old battle between Good and Evil, there comes a time when every soul must ask of himself one burning question: Why is Evil doing so much better in Hollywood, despite a spotty record at the box office? One need only skim the history of cinema to see that for every Greatest Story Ever Told or Ben-Hur, there are a dozen End of Days or The Devil’s Rain. Is there a conspiracy afoot to promote an unholy, demonic agenda at the expense of the Gospels? Or is this vast disparity in screen time simply due to the fact that Satan is less choosy about his projects? We believe the latter is more likely the case, and also helps to account for why Dolph Lundgren has made three times as many movies as Daniel Day Lewis.

But this trend has increased wildly of late, with the recent re-release of The Exorcist, as well as pictures such as Stigmata, Lost Souls, and Bedazzled. Why this sudden explosion of interest in the Father of Lies? Perhaps it’s because over the years, Beelzebub, like Drew Barrymore, has matured and developed right before our very eyes on film. To paraphrase Bobby Goldsborough, the movie-going public has been "sittin’ here, smiling, watching Satan grow."

Let’s take a look at three films spanning the Devil’s most fecund period, the 1970s through the millennium, and see how Satan has handled his transition from the low budget teen flicks to overblown summer blockbusters. James Van Der Beek, take note.

Satan’s Cheerleaders (1977)
Satan's Cheerleaders (1977)
Directed by: Greydon Clark
Written by: Greydon Clark and Alvin L. Fast
Our movie opens with John Ireland leading a Take Back the Night March in his bathrobe. Then we cut to the beach, where a group of bikini-clad pom-pom girls from the local high school are performing cheers for the female P.E. teacher. Horrified by the frank sexuality of their routine, she urges the girls to replace the offending choreography with moves stolen from a minstrel show.
Suddenly, the movie delivers a shock: One of the cheerleaders--blonde and bland teen goddess Patti--is spotted sitting alone on the sand, staring out to sea. Fearing that she’s not feeling fresh, her friends rush to her aid, only to learn that Patti has been "thinking."
"About what?" they ask, flabbergasted.
"I don’t know," she replies.
Meanwhile, the high school custodian (Wilfred Brimley Lite) is attending John Ireland’s al fresco pajama party and satanic kegger. Wilfred pledges his soul to Satan, so those darn kids will finally quit annoying him and stop TP-ing the chain-link fence around the school.
The next day, Wilfred is pulling toilet paper off the chain-link fence and having second thoughts about that chalice of goat’s blood he drank last night (was it really the right thing to do?) On the bright side, the Lord of Darkness did apparently come through with a Ronco Rhinestone and Stud Setter, since Wilfred’s highly ornamented janitor’s uniform would likely be dismissed as wretched excess by Liberace.
Realizing he’s failed to give any of the characters a shred of distinguishing personality, director Greydon has the girls change into tight white t-shirts with their names emblazoned on the chest in block letters—exactly like the Mickey Mouse Club, except for the visible nipples. (And now that you’re picturing Cubby’s highbeams, we should probably point out this movie does contain a shower scene, and you do see breasts. But since they’re the sort of breasts you usually see only on very young girls, or very old men, it left us feeling kind of queasy.)
The cheerleaders pile into the PE teacher’s car and head off to an away game, followed by Wilfred, who has been cursed with a leisure suit the color of tomato bisque. Furiously rubbing his talisman (probably not what you’re thinking) he curses the PE coach’s Country Squire, causing it to come to a safe and complete stop. Wilfred picks up the stranded pep squad in his camper, and laughs maniacally as he reveals that they are now helpless, and completely in his power! Then he loses control of the pickup and stalls in a vacant lot. Fortunately for him, it’s a satanic vacant lot. As the girls emerge from the truck, Patti is suddenly overcome by an unnatural passion, and exposes her boobs to Albert Finney’s doorknocker from Scrooge. Then she lies down on a barbecue and has an orgasm, while Wilfred has a heart attack.
Teach and the cheerleaders get in Wilfred’s truck and drive until they see John Carradine, who is dressed in rags and wandering the roadside with a burlap sack, picking up discarded cans, bottles, and cameos in Jerry Warren movies. Now the filmmakers deliver another big shock, as we learn that John’s not actually in this film. Apparently, it was some sort of clerical error, or maybe the camera crew just caught him puttering around on his day off.
Teach and the cheerleaders seek out the local sheriff (John Ireland), who goes by the name "B.L. Bubb" (get it?). The guileless girls don’t yet realize the full significance of this strange name, but they’re pretty sure it means he used to be on "The Dukes of Hazzard."
While Sheriff John goes to check on their story about a dead satanic custodian near a giant doorknocker, the unspeakably sinister Yvonne De Carlo shows up dressed like Howdy Doody. When the Sheriff finds Wilfred napping on the barbecue, he beats his oddly spangled disciple to a pulp, then gives him a piggyback ride. Unsure how to react to this, Wilfred decides to die again.
Back at the Sheriff’s house, the girls sense that Something Is Not Right. They try thinking, but once again, it makes them feel unfresh. Then they overhear Sheriff John’s plan to sacrifice a "pure maiden" (yeah, right) and they run away.
Meanwhile, Patti is muttering mumbo-jumbo in the living room and going all satanic on Yvonne’s ass (apparently, flashing her knockers at a knocker has endowed her with the ability to browbeat washed-up contract players).
The girls are recaptured, then promptly escape again, giving us yet another chance to enjoy long scenes of them jiggling over hill and dale. Gathering a posse of demonic hicks and bumpkins, Sheriff John puts on his pajamas and hunts down the fleeing pep squad. Yvonne helps by pulling out the Satan Home Game and saying a prayer for her Audi. (Well, that’s what it sounded like--I suppose she could have been facing a satanic altar and saying "Howdy," but that would seem to undercut the moment.)
Catching up to the Semi-Naked Prey, Sheriff John dresses them in graduation gowns and brings them to the consecrated barbecue. But it turns out that Patti is now going steady with Lucifer. As she shouts some more nonsense, Wilfred rises from the dead again and stabs Sheriff John in the bladder with a trowel. The demonic "Hee Haw" extras bow down and worship Patti as the Devil’s intern.
Cut to a football game. The cheerleaders, now sponsored by Satan, are hopping around and shaking their pom-poms, when one of the players is felled by an injury. But Beelzebub has endowed his Bride with the power to repair groin pulls, and she commands the player to rise, and the team to win! So, for those of you dreading the coming of the Anti-Christ, you can relax. The Horned Beast probably doesn’t have time to engulf the world in darkness, since he’s busy fixing high school football games.

Satan’s Cheerleaders: not just a shocking expose of how football imperils innocent groins, but also a Betty Frieden-inspired call for female empowerment through Satanism and shower scenes.

Our director, Greydon Clark, is also responsible for Angel’s Revenge, another movie about skimpily dressed women who jiggle and giggle their way through a battle with the forces of evil (represented by cast members Arthur Godfrey and Alan Hale, Jr.). So, we might consider Graydon the John Milton of ‘70s cinema, showing the armies of God battling the legions of Lucifer (with sexy results). It’s just that his heavenly hosts have Farrah hair and wear skin-tight t-shirts, while his hellish battalions are composed of inept janitors, John Ireland, and Lily Munster. In fact, the Satan of these films would most likely have the motto "Better to reign in hell than to serve lunch specials at TGI Fridays."

And speaking of rain, Anton LaVey, founder of The Church of Satan, was a technical advisor on The Devil’s Rain (which is why those melting sherbet scenes seemed so authentic). However, he was touring with Bread when it came time to film Satan’s Cheerleaders, so the moviemakers had to rely on a copy of The Devil’s Cliff Notes and the instruction manual from a Weber grill for their info about Satanism. And while a cursory knowledge of the occult leads us to believe that real devil worshippers don’t actually wear rhinestone-studded leisure suits (except to the Academy Awards), what about the rest of the film’s demonic theology? Do Satanists really sacrifice virgins, pray to doorknockers, and impersonate Howdy Doody?

To find out, we interviewed Anton LaVey (via Ouija board, since he’s passed over and is with Satan now). At least we think it was Anton LaVey we were talking to—it may have been Anton Chekhov, or possibly Lyndon LaRoucheAnyway, it was somebody with a funny name. Here is a transcript of our interview (send $29 to Dateline if you want a transcript of our séance with Dick Cheney):
Q: Mr. LaVey, when we tried researching Satanism on the Internet, we read that Satanists kidnap children for rituals, and eat at least 3000 babies a year. Is this true?

A: No, of course not! In fact, the ninth of my "Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth" is "Do not harm little children." Modern Satanists are not like the ones you see in horror movies, always sacrificing goats and terrorizing Mia Farrows. Besides, babies are too fatty for today’s active Satanist. After a busy night of reading from the Satanic Bible, ritual magick, and a nice orgy, we usually have something light, like a salad, followed by some baby-flavored Jell-O.

Q: Is it also untrue that there’s a massive ritual network, which kidnaps virgins and makes them participate in weird sexual ceremonies—all headed up by the British royal family?
A: Well, that’s true, but it has nothing to do with us!
Q: Many coaches and players thank God for their sports victories; shouldn’t they be blaming Satan for their losses?
  1. Yes. Because the stadium, gym, or arena is the real playing field of the ultimate battle of good or evil. When one of God’s teams (which coincidentally happen to be the ones you root for) wins a game, the Almighty gains power over evil. However, when these teams lose (due to the evil machinations of the devil), then Satan comes that much closer to ruling over the Earth. And, while Lucifer doesn’t have any influence over the players on your favorite teams, (since the players are too pious, humble, and moral to be tempted by him), Satan does own the league officials, the refs, and, as you saw in the movie, the cheerleaders.
Q: Wow, we never realized that sporting events were so cosmically important!
  1. Why else would men spend so many Sundays watching them? I’ll let you in on a little secret: the Battle of Armageddon, the combat that decides the ultimate fate of the planet, will be Super Bowl XXXVI. Buy your commercial spots now!
Q. One last question, Mr. LaVey: some Christians believe that Harry Potter is the Pied Piper of the Antichrist, leading kids to Satan, so they can be eaten. And that having a Harry Potter book in the house gives Satan "legal authority" over it, so he can, say, eat all the Frusen Gladje or hide the TV remote with impunity. Is this true?
A. Hey, I’m heading back to Hell, where I don’t have to put up with this kind of nonsense. May I just say that this is why the first of my "Nine Satanic Sins" is "stupidity."

3:29:13 AM 

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