The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 7, 2011

March 7, 2004 by s.z.

We Interrupt The Passion For a Message From Our Sponsor

Washing the Blog gives you the scoop on the newest NewsMax advertisers:  The Goldfinger Newsletter, "Secret Ninja Thrusting Exercises of Doom," and Dr. Sears' Elixer for Dwindling Manhood.  And you wondered what kind of people NewsMax caters to!

And then check out Sadly, No! for all the latest about popular young pundits Kyle Williams and Amber Pawlik.

And then, after I get a few hours sleep, we'll be back with with more Passion action, to include proposed sequels, such as a Jewish version of Braveheart, a Christian version of Invasion, USA, and a musical version ofHamlet.  [Note: I didn't make up any of these suggestions, although the musical Hamlet was a "Gilligan's Island" idea, not one from a pundit or right-wing kook.]

If the ball game doesn't run over, we'll also check in with our favorite wacky dad, Doug Giles.  This week Doug relates how Michael Krop High School failed to execute the kid who said he was going to "pop a cap" in Doug's daughter's ass, and so Doug will never speak to the public schools again.  (I thought he had already pulled his daughters out of school after learning that they were associating with Bornean sailors who were teaching them that it was okay to be gay, but I guess not.)

So, enjoy the commericals, have a snack, and then come back for even more Passion.

6:08:13 AM    

Passion Extra: Can Onions Really Unite Us?

Thanks to Mark of  Fried Green al-Qaedas for this story of how God works in REALLY mysterious ways.
The column begins with Reporter Matt calling Pastor Jamie and quizzing him on The Passion; Matt doesn't want to know about Biblical accuracy, gore, or number of times the film uses the foulest of the foul words, but "What affects will the film have on Bridgeton?"  And since that IS the $64,000 question, Pastor Jamie prayed about it, and God told him the following:

1.  The movie will cause Bridgeton children to clean up their potty mouths or face crippling fines from the FCC.

See, while Howard Stern blames the Janet Jackson booby for getting his show booted from several radio stations, it was really Jesus's fault -- with some help from Mel.
I, however, don't believe Stern is justified in blaming Jackson; it's not her fault. If Stern is looking to place the blame, I think he should blame Jesus, he who sets the standard of truth. As people all over the country are responding to this film, there seems to be an awareness of spiritual truth that we haven't seen in our culture for a long time. God is on the move!
Today's active God is often getting shock jocks fired one minute, putting Martha Stewart's ass in jail the next, and then framing David Crosby for gun and drug possession just seconds later!  He's fit, healthy, and on the move!  But He always has time to tell George Bush a story before tucking him into bed at night.
2. The film will help bring Bridgeton's various Christians together in hatred of the Jews.  Okay, scratch that last bit -- I meant, "together in a love of action movies and onions." 
Who else could God use to do such a miracle in our society, but a popular entertainer? In an entertainment culture, that's what it will take. Mel Gibson has done something that the Pope or Billy Graham never could have pulled off.
Yes, Mel has done Lethal Weapon 4 -- while both the Pope and Billy auditioned for film, neither was deemed sexy enough to play the starring role.

And it will take a top notch action movie to bring the Protestants and the idolatrous Catholics together again in the same theater -- thank God Mel has Mad Max 4 coming up.  Officials from all faiths say that if it's any good, it will be a miracle.
I felt impressed of the Lord to take new steps to promote unity of late. One day last week, I stopped by the soup kitchen at St. Teresa's R.C. Church. I met a guy named Pete who helps to run the operation. After a lengthy discussion about the ministry, I asked him if there was anything my congregation could do to help. Pete said, "Well, we could use a 50-pound bag of onions once a month." I thought, "Is it really that simple to unite with other Christians for kingdom purposes?" Can onions really unite us?
Or will they just give us bad breath, and cause others to keep their distance?  Only God knows for sure.
3. The Passion will cause Bridgeton to kill that guy who interefered with the baseball at the Cubs game.  And then the town will turn to voodoo and black magic in an effort to lift curses, remove warts, and find love.
You may have seen in the news recently that Chicago fans held a rally to explode the "cursed" ball and hopefully "break the jinx" that they believe to be held on them. As I watched those faithful fans, I wondered what our churches would be like if we had that much passion, that much fervor for doing what God has called us to do?
I guess we could try conducting services in the ball park, serving sacramental beer and peanuts, and scrapping the sermon in favor of having the Cubs playing Satan for the penant; maybe that would stir up some fire in their souls.
I now believe this is the main question the Christian community awaits us to answer is, "Will Christ's passion become our passion?" Thanks, Matt. You've got the heartbeat of God.
And will we all catch the fever for the flavor of the a Pringles? And Reporter Matt, God wants his heartbeat back.  Thanks.

5:39:11 AM    

It's Mel Gibson's Passion Day at World O'Crap.  All Passion, All the Time.

To start with, here's my favorite bit from the latest Frank Rich column:
Thank God - I think.  Mel Gibson has granted me absolution for my sins.   As "The Passion of the Christ" approached the $100 million mark, the star appeared on "The Tonight Show,'" where Jay Leno asked if he would forgive me.  "Absolutely," he responded, adding that his dispute with me was "not personal."  Then he waxed philosophical: "You try to perform an act of love even for those who persecute you, and I think that's the message of the film."
Thus we see the gospel according to Mel.  If you criticize his film and the Jew-baiting by which he promoted it, you are persecuting him - all the way to the bank.  If he says that he wants you killed, he wants your intestines "on a stick" and he wants to kill your dog - such was his fatwa against me in September - not only is there nothing personal about it but it's an act of love.   And that is indeed the message of his film.  "The Passion" is far more in love with putting Jesus' intestines on a stick than with dramatizing his godly teachings, which are relegated to a few brief, cryptic flashbacks.
We hear that Rich's nonexistant dog is still in protective custody, however.  

4:35:59 AM

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