The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Friday, August 19, 2011

The Great Fabricator

Sadly, No! highlights the embarrassing case of Arkansas Alaska Republican Don Young, who entered this increasingly famous, wholly fictitious Lincoln quote into the Congressional Record:  “Congressmen who willfully take action during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs, and should be arrested, exiled, or hanged.”

Well, putting puerile and pedestrian words in the mouth of Abraham Lincoln, perhaps the finest orator to ever occupy the White House, seriously damages my morale, and well as the morale of my G.I. Joe, who is so depressed he’s lost his Kung Fu Grip, so I advise Rep. Young to lawyer up and pack his bags.
Still, inventing quotes and evidence sure makes supporting one’s morally bankrupt arguments a whole lot easier, and I see no reason why some idiotic Congressmen from the hillbilly moose-infested hinterlands should have all the fun.  So I put it to you:  What is your favorite made-up Lincoln quote?

I’ll get the ball rolling.  During the campaign of 1860, little Grace Bedell wrote to Abraham Lincoln, suggesting that he let his whiskers grow, so as to conceal his sad and homely countenance.  Lincoln promptly wrote back: “My Dear Little Miss:  Thank you for your kind advice, but I acquired all the beard I’ll ever need when I married Mary Todd.”

Unfortunately, Don Young is from Alaska not Arkansas. I’ve voted against him every time I have had the chance. I would happily give him to Arkansas, though.
No great quote, but here is “the rest of the story”(thanks to S,N! for the link to FactCheck!):
This quote came from an article written in Dec. 2003: “Democrats Usher in An Age of Treason.” , the writer claims it was an editorial mistake.
In August 2006, Dana Irey used it in her run for Congress against Jack Murtha. She retracted and apologized for it after being told it was a false quote.
So this goofball not only used a false quote, he used one that a would be colleague of his used and retracted!
So, when will he retract it, wonder? Can one retract something from the CR?
Okay, do they HAVE to be Lincoln quotes? How about Reagan? Here’s my absolutely true made-up quote from Ronald Reagan The Greatest President Ever:
“I sure hope the country never elects any of my vice-president’s progeny to any public office because they’re all a bunch of spoiled brat idiots.”
[...] –Abraham Lincoln, 1859 Add to: Bloglines | document.write(“”) | Digg it | +Google | Y! MyWeb [...]
My favorite Lincoln quote comes from the interview he did with Entertainment Weekly:
“‘A House Divided’ I can’t stand, but ‘Full House’ is a real rib-tickler. Love those Olsen twins!”
My favorite Lincoln quote is:
“I want to free the slaves, and I hope the blacks remember that the Republican party is their best friend, and they should never, ever, vote Democrat.”
I think Lincoln said it best when he stated:
“The citizenry must forsake all of its meddlesome interferences regarding governmental affairs. Likewise the MSM, rumormongers, and lower elected officials (I’ve got my eye on you Douglas), must not concern themselves with the machinations of higher politics.
I am the decider.”
–Conversation with his shoe after too much Whiskey 1861
My favorite actual Lincoln quote:
“Fourscore and…
[looks at his pocket watch]
seven minutes ago… we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure conceived by our new friends, Bill… and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to proposition which was true in my time, just as it’s true today. Be excellent to each other. And… PARTY ON, DUDES! “
Absolutely one can retract things from the Congressional record, but it isn’t mostly necessary. Generally, as I understand it, Congressional speeches made on the Floor are made under the understanding that the Congressperson, or his or her staff, will be “revising and extending” later. So what goes into the record is, essentially, what the Congressperson’s staff told him or her to say, in written form, rather than the garbled mess it came out as. And then that goes home to the voters as a record of what stirring speeches your Congressperson has offered for the edification of the Chamber and the nation on whatever debate.
On the other hand, I’d be mighty amazed if he actually cared that his Lincoln quote is a hoax, and I bet it will go out in the constituent newsletters with it included, not like most of them know it’s false, either, I mean, they’re stupid enough to keep voting for the bastard.
As a measure of hope, CSPAN doesn’t have a “revise and extend” option. So in ten years, if we’re all still alive, we’ll all be able to sit and marvel at how bugfuck dumb so many of our Congresspeople are, and how any of them ever managed to tie their shoes without a little diagram on the toe.
Fake Lincoln Quote:
“We don’t agree that it is a civil war.”
“Abraham Lincoln once said that if you’re a racist, I will attack you with the north.” – Michael Scott
In his middle age, Lincoln was often heard to say, “I wish they could find that one really handsome-looking daguerreotype that was taken of me back in my younger days. No one believes me anymore when I tell them how hott I was.”
Sorry, nothing I can come up with can top the Mary Todd/beard quotation.
“You can fool some of the people all the time; and you can fool all of the people some of the time; but, uh, you can’t sing ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ in the middle of the 19th century.”
I’m with Lucy — how are we supposed to top the beard line?
“No! It’s the pass that protects GREECE! Mere cities don’t matter now. It is Greece that counts! Only by being united can we hope to avoid slavery. Now, I am no politician, but I will plead this cause with you until the moon wanes and the night brings forth a new day!”
I meant to link my quotation to that news story from the other day, but I posted too soon. I’m sure you all knew what I meant, though, not that it would make me any funnier.
And, sheesh, I just got done pantsing Tony Snow over Bull Run. It really is the Ghost Dance with these people, except the hopelessness on the Plains followed defeat at the hands of a numerically superior enemy which had had the great good sense to come from a place that had horses and resistance to smallpox. Our modern Dancers have just shot themselves in the foot so many times they’ve either decided they’re bulletproof or fully exsanguinated. I’m not sure which. But they’ve gone from lying about their immediate surroundings to lying about the established past, and like their misunderestimated Captain, it’s no good anymore trying to pretend they’re just being crafty.
I realize that no nation has ever faced up to the daunting prospect of a good one-third of its citizens being in need of an indefinite course of mental health care under maximal security. God knows plenty have had the opportunity before us and passed. But this is America, dammit.
I would like to add that that FactCheck article is far too timid; Lincoln, as any non-homeschoolboy should know, faced a tremendous amount of opposition in the North, not always with strict legality but without threatening to hang half the Congress (or, for that matter, the Copperheads in the officer corps that many in his cabinet saw as the reason for the early defeats). Good thing, too, since after the midterm elections he needed a lot of those votes.
“We know where the munitions are. They’re around Atlanta, and north, south, east, and west somewhat.”
–Abraham Lincoln, 1862
Doghouse, I just want to say that I want to bear your children – And I mean that in a strictly platonic non-stalking kind of way.
Many people know of the famous “Bixby Letter” that Lincoln wrote to the mother whose fice sons were killed fighting for the Union Army. The version most people are familiar with is, however, a truncated one. Full version appears below.
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the
Adjutant General of Massachusetts, that you are the mother of five sons
who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless
must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the
grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you
the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to
save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your
bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and
lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours, to have laid so costly a sacrifice
upon the altar of Freedom.
I must point out to you that as none of your sons served the full terms of their enlistment, the Government is owed part measure of the signing bonuses they received. Also I am given to understand that as certain portions of your sons’ equipment were damaged or lost, there is a question of monies for the replacement thereof. Please find invoice enclosed.
Insert mechanical signature here.
Secretary Stanton had taken offense to the comments of one of Lincoln’s generals; Lincoln advised him to write a letter, detailing his offense. When he finished Stanton showed Lincoln the missive. Lincoln expressed his admiration for the sharp wording, and asked Stanton what he planned to do with it.
“Why, send it, of course,” replied Stanton.
“You don’t want to send it,” said Lincoln. “You had a good time writing it, and now you feel better. Put it in the stove. That’s what I always do. But first make an anonymous copy and send that to Drudge. And try to work in something about the sumbitch being gayer than Buchanan’s wig maker.”
(With all due obsequies to Michael O’Donoghue and “The Churchill Wit”.
You better, BTW. I’m the official Doghouse Riley stalker around these parts. I got permission and everything. I have no interest in bearing anyone’s children, though. Which, actually, might be why I got the gig. Well, that and I’m lazy. really, really lazy, as stalkers go.
I mention this not because anyone cares, but because for some reason it amuses me and it might be leading to double posting, but my copy of the current version of Adobe Reader with the Asian Language Pack installed seems to make WordPress wig out when I hit “enter” while it’s open. Dunno why that is. I’m not uninstalling the ALP, though. ‘Cause even though I can’t read ‘em, there’s pdfs I couldn’t open without it.
‘Four-score and some odd years ago, our evangelical Christian forefathers…’
“Neither party expected for the war, the magnitude, or the duration, which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with, or even before, the conflict itself should cease. So really, this whole Secession thing was based on bad intelligence. And really, even though it is 1865, I think calling it a Civil War is, well, a little premature.”
From Lincoln’s 2nd Naugahyde Address
“Don Young blows goats.”
– Abraham Lincoln, 1865
The last I heard it’s now history that lincoln had 13,000 Americans hanged for treason. Why do you think their (republicans) telling that lie?
Lincoln Quote ” I believe this war will last weeks, months, maybe, and we’ll be greeted as liberators”
I heard Lincoln say this in a séance:
“What have they done with my Party? Register me as a Democrat”
“Neal Horsley seduced my mule!” ejaculated Abraham Lincoln.

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