The World O' Crap Archive

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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Collect Them All! Trade Them With Your Friends!

If, after reading the story Scott posted about the fun to be had in “spiritually adopting” other people’s fetuses, you want to join in — well, we have good news for you! At this site we found a certicate you can print out so you can officially “spiritually adopt” an imaginary little embryo of your own. In fact, there are four forms on the page, so I guess you should adopt four of them (they’re small).
Remember to give your kids really cool names (we’re naming ours “Arabella Diantha,” “Herbert Hollingsworth,” “Babbitt,” and “Activia). Ours are all blonde, curly-haired moppets who never shriek all night because of colic, who never have poopy pants, and who never actually need food or medical care or anything. They’re so perfect, and require so little care, we can’t imagine why their “real” mother would ever consider aborting them! We often picture them dancing in the sunlight with Jesus. Oh, dear, little Arabella just swallowed a Lego and DIED! I am so traumatized by my imaginary loss that I don’t know how I will be able to go on — for sure, I will not be able to go to work tomorrow. I think I am going to have to start a spiritual/political movement in order to capitolize on my imaginary pre-abortive loss. Anyway, here’s the certificate:
Certificate of Spiritual Adoption

Name Your Spiritually Adopted Baby
We, the undersigned family, willingly and joyfully agree to spiritually adopt this unborn baby and pray the following prayer on Baby’s behalf for nine months.“Heavenly Father, we love you very much. We beg you to spare the life of the unborn baby we have spiritually adopted who is in danger of abortion.” 
Family’s name                     Date _______________________________________
Unborn Baby’s feet at ten weeks

Posted by s.z. on Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008 at 3:04 am.

29 Responses to “Collect Them All! Trade Them With Your Friends!”

I’m naming mine Sacheen Littlefeather, or if it’s a boy, Dash Riprock or the Yellow Kid, and if it’s a Blood Elf, I’m calling him Xanthan or Navarre.
With all the effort they put in an unborn, why not just offer to adopt the kid once it’s born. Or would that be too hard?
Notice that the adoptive parents vow to pray for the fetus for nine months. After that, I guess, the baby is on its own.
Hey, it beats lurking outside a clinic with a sniper rifle…
Well, just in case those little fetus-americans don’t make it to full term, these kids better see about getting them a Mormon-style remote baptism.
That way, worst comes to worst, they’ll be gathered into the loving bosom of Xenu, The Lord High Moroni, or whatever.
(we’re naming ours “Arabella Diantha,” “Herbert Hollingsworth,” “Babbitt,” and “Activia).
you adopted the Gurdlings? I thought they were already spoken for
Notice that the adoptive parents vow to pray for the fetus for nine months. After that, I guess, the baby is on its own.
Sounds about right.
Sure, Joe, but once they decide that fetus is not only a person but *their* person with a name and a personality and everything, is it much of a step to lurking outside clinics with a sniper rifle?
My little Billy Bob, Bobbie Sue, Bambi Jo, and Madison Emily all grew up, attended college, got great jobs, and supported me in my old age. All this in the space of the time it took to type it! I’m so proud! (wipes away tear.) Ain’t fantasy child-rearing great? Now, I have to go into the non-fantasy-teenagers room – while he’s at school so he won’t shriek at me – and take out the bowls with dried ravioli and glasses with sour milk, while trying not to trip over the piles of clothes and towels on the floor. I haven’t received any calls from the school complaining about his behavior and/or sleeping in class, though, so it’s a good day.
With all the effort they put in an unborn, why not just offer to adopt the kid once it’s born. Or would that be too hard?
I had an instructor last semester who was a hard core anti-choicer. No abortions, ever, not even in cases of rape, incest, or to save the life of the mother. She spent a lot of time working at an Agape center, trying to get all these preg teens to do the “adoption, not abortion!” thing. She had three little ones of her own. Adoption, you ask? Why, no! When she and her husband first got married and couldn’t conceive, they got fertility treatments, and she had twins! Then she had a bonus baby a year later.
Question: Why is it that when one is pregnant and doesn’t want to be, that’s god’s will, but when one can’t get pregnant but wants to be, that isn’t god’s will and interfering with the body’s function is A-OK?
Did you ask your instructor what she did with all the extra embryos that resulted from the fertility treatments? Is she going to farm those out to other families, or don’t those embryos count?
Fleegle or Snorky
C’mon! They were created when someone’s banana spilt!
I’ll get a couple o’ them with fries, okay? I heard somewhere they make great dumplings…
They’re going to be named “Oops” and “Don’t worry, I’ll marry you.” Hey, worked for my parents.
Why don’t these folks include frozen embryos? They can have little Godberries all their own that they can fisit years later when the clinic they’re in is forbidden from discarding them and can’t use them in research. The perfct kids!
Er… “fisist = visit” on my planet.
No, Professor Illuminata, I didn’t ask her that. Frankly, I was stone speechless at the time.
glad to see from the cute little picture that my unborn has no club-foot or significant leg deformity. Did I luck out, or is it just that no one is praying for the disabled ones?
Surely not, trashfire. Because that would amount to an endorsement of abortion for deformed fetuses. Clearly you have just gotten lucky with your fetus.
Either that, or it’s one of those “artist’s conception” deals, which is good for you because don’t we all want to spiritually adopt a highly creative child?
Is cracking an egg in the morning a chicken abortion? How come the pro-lifers don’t speak up on behalf of chickens, ducks and geese? I mean, nothing like a chicken abortion, cooked over easy for breakfast to feed my liberal appetite for baby murderin’.
And yes, I agree, I think these people should be encouraged first to open up their humble freezer space to share with an unwanted embryo.
With all the effort they put in an unborn, why not just offer to adopt the kid once it’s born. Or would that be too hard?
Well, putting up a kid for adoption is hard, that’s why they shy away from it. See, they have to get real actual woman to agree to it (nasty business really, what with having minds and all) and there’s that sticky stuff about the womens getting all bonded with the newly born infant.
Adoption philosophically works well for them though seeing as how in their minds women are nothing more than mindless, lifeless fetus incubators who can either expel a fetus or birth a fully developed infant with little inconvenience to their insignificant womanly lives.
I’m naming one embryo “patriarchy” and the other “feminazi”.
Neither need be born as we have too much of one and the other is just a myth created to support the other.
I’m gonna name mine “Steve McQueen”! Wow, I can hardly wait to teach him how to drive!!
Pray for them for nine months, but heaven forbid pay for them for nine months.
The naming game is always fun: I lean toward “Oscar”, for the one of many who will spontaneously abort and “live” in a garbage can. Then there’s my little buddies: “Mouse” and “Keyboard”, who never made it to an egg, and their ugly step-sister “Scum-bag”.
I seem to have gotten a different form:
Certificate of Karmic Adoption
Name Your Karmically Concerned-for Blastocyst-American
We, the undersigned individuals, willingly and joyfully agree to karmically wish this blastocyst-american well and say the following on the foetus’ behalf for nine months. “Karmic Reality, we ask that the blastocyst-american we have spiritually adopted who is in danger of being raised by religiously insane theocrats.”
Individual’s name Date ________________________________
Fetus’ ultrasound at ten weeks (thank you, Total Information Awareness program!)
Mine (so far) are Kegger, CrewSlut, OrgySpawn, and RhythmFail. I’m adding an extra karmic push that they all behave well enough to be excluded from whatever pagan cult they are unlucky enough to be born into.
Can I name mine “Swallow” as in “Mom should have…”?
i am donating mine to Pat Robertson
I think that’s a wonderful idea distributor.
That’s my boy: Big McLargehuge.
What got me was the picture of the feet; they’re that big at ten weeks?! Apparently they aren’t, actually. This is one of those “exaggeration for effect” things that Edward Tufte warns us about; see here for facts about level of development and size of fetus at ten weeks.
Apparently i screwed up my links attempt.
for size and development of fetus, and for Tufte’s site.
I’ve left work so I can home-school little Maculata.
So, do you just find a woman or girl who’s pregnant (or might be pregnant) and fill out an “spiritual” adoption form for their unborn baby? Do you bother asking the person who’s baby you’re (only temporarily) adopting? Oh wait, of course not. That would be pro-choice. The whole thing is really creepy.
That’s my boy: Big McLargehuge./i
I love that movie!Mine’s name is Of Course I’ll Pull Out.
Shit. sorry

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