The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Giles to Obama: You’re Not Woman Enough To Take My Jesus!

In his latest Townhall ejecta, Pastor Doug Giles takes an uppity black man to task for whistling at his white Jesus.
Barack Hussein Obama (or B-HO, as I like to call him)…
“…in public. Behind closed doors I prefer to call him ‘Mandingo,’ or ‘Brown Sugar.’”
…charismatically and emphatically denied reports this week that he is a closeted Muslim and instead declared candidly and with youthful verve that he believes in Jesus Christ.
But Doug isn’t about to let this strapping young buck jack his Jesus!
Brian Williams and Mark Cuban, both carrying parasols…
Oh Doug, you bitch.
…were sitting in the crowd during that news conference, and it has been reported that when B-HO gave this statement regarding his faith that they let out a shriek, threw their panties at him, and then swooned.
Because they’re coo-coo for cocoa poufs.
Yep, this week the junior state senator made it clear that he is not a Muslim but a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. Y’know, the Jesus Christ who’s totally cool with:
1. Abortion being available to mommy in all nine months of her pregnancy
Has anyone managed to source a quote to the savior on this, because Lexis-Nexis is givin’ me bupkiss here…
2. Parents not being notified when their 13 year-old girl goes in for an abortion
Well, Yeshua ben Yosef (or YEB-YO! as I like to call him) was a Jew, and girls come of age at 12 in his faith, so he was probably cool with them buying cigarettes and liquor, too.
3. Opposing any and all bans on partial birth abortion (an act that includes delivery of the baby up to the head, the crushing of the baby’s noggin, the vacuuming of the brain matter and then completed delivery of the child’s deflated cranium)
You know, the Messiah-in-Chief has seemed oddly reluctant to go on record about this issue, but according to leaks from senior White Sepulchre staffers, Jesus feels that if a child dies in the womb, the woman should be required to squeeze it out vaginally anyway in punishment for her lack of hospitality.
4. Advancing the radical homosexual activist lobby in their pursuit to destroy traditional marriage and voting against the defense of traditional marriage
Dude, take a breath! Nobody’s gonna be advancing no fancy gay agenda while there’s still a Texas cowboy in the Oval Office!
(you know, that old Adam and Eve thing God came up with in Genesis?…
Oh Doug, honey, no, you’re not ready for an allegory yet. Start with a parable, try a fable or two, and if that stays down then you can work your way up to Genesis.
…Well, that’s so yesterday with B-HO’s Jesus and his Church of the New Groove)
Remember: Friends don’t let friends talk like the hippies from Star Trek.
5. The creation of “special rights” for people who engage in homosexuality for the sole purpose of putting them at the front of the line on issues of employment, housing and litigation
“Sorry, Bob. You know I’m straight, but I’ve just got to get on the court calendar for March. Bend over.”
6. The advancement of all “hate crimes” legislation, which ultimately could be used to silence pastors who believe—according to their own convictions—that homosexual behavior is . . . uh . . . wrong . . . and preach the same from biblical texts
Not that Doug’s mentioning any names here, but…
7. The continued funding of Planned Parenthood clinics in our nation’s inner cities, which are performing genocide against the populations of African Americans living there.
If you need to find a Planned Parenthood location, just look for the tall crematory smokestacks towering overhead, belching black baby fumes into the sky. But do you hear Al Gore bitching about how millions of vaporized fetuses are adding to Global Warming? (To be fair, many of the abortion clinics have recently tried to reduce their footprint by trading carbon credits with Duke Energy.)
8. B-HO going to a church that propagates anti-white, anti-American and anti-Jewish blather, zany 9/11 “was our fault because we’re racists” rancor, and a “black value system” (Hello! Can you imagine if a white guy did this?)
I did imagine it, but a guy named Bob Jones beat me to the Patent Office.
—all via a pastor who has hung out with Qaddafi and honors Louis Farrakhan. Isn’t that special?
Doug, do you really want people to hear the Church Lady in their heads when they read your column? Because I’ll be honest, it’s usually a constant struggle not to.
It has to be that “Jesus” whom B-HO follows because the one clearly defined in Scripture wouldn’t put up with that crap for a nanosecond.
As Kanye West said, “Jesus Christ doesn’t care about black people.”
C’mon, Barack. You can’t play the Billy Graham I’m-a-solid-Christian-man card when your voting record and your church’s manifesto are that vapid toward biblical verities.
Your Billy Graham impression is crap, man! If I may make a suggestion…try conking your hair and getting into an anti-semitic conversation with the President.
As far as I’m concerned, B-HO is to Christianity what Michael Jackson is to heterosexuality: He might be one, but he’s certainly not the poster child for the cause. I’ll give him that much.
Because at least he can pass the paperbag test.
You know, when I watch Obama and the other secular “progressives” queue up to play the Christ card, it takes me back to John Kerry in 2004 when he tried to convince gun owners and hunters that he was Nimrod.
The only way Obama and his followers can keep Christ and their liberal credo is to blow off huge chunks of the Bible and replace Scripture with the make-believe notions of SP’s new malleable “Gumby Jesus” who offers “suggestions” instead of thundering commandments.
Excuse me, Pastor, but have you brushed up on your Beatitudes lately? You know, “blessed are the poor,” “the meek,” “the merciful,” “the pure of heart,” “the peacemakers”…The “thundering commandments” were mostly in the first volume, and while I know you Bible nerds insist the OT is the shit, and the NT is a weak-ass sequel that totally wimped up the main character in an effort to appeal to a wider audience, you have to admit, it’s still canonical, and not a hoax or imaginary story.
By the way, you’re about to get a cease and desist letter from Bill O’Reilly for ganking his “SP” shtick.
The giddy, in love with B-HO Christian skipping around the maypole wearing rose-colored glasses needs to understand something: If it were left up to the punch drunk secular Left, evangelical Christians would officially be SOL in the USA, fo’ shizzle my nizzle.
I am a lot of things, Doug, but I am not your nizzle.
How a true believer in Christ (as defined by Scripture)…
“…Well, the Old Testament. The one He’s not in. Look can we just move on??”
…can say he or she believes in what Jesus, the prophets and apostles said and side with such a liberal politico simply because he is “charismatic and youthful” is beyond me.
And that goes double for that priest-ridden Papist JFK!
I’d love to have an evangelical Christian (as classically defined) who backs Obama wade in here on the comment thread and defend (biblically):
And by that he means, you have to use Doug’s copy of the bible, including his margin notes and doodles of the savior’s penis.
1. Obama’s voting record on life and marriage
2. his allegiance to a clearly anti-white, anti-Semitic, anti-American pastor/congregation
3. why B-HO, if he doesn’t buy into what his minister of mayhem propagates, doesn’t officially leave the congregation and disassociate himself from his mad maharishi and his bigoted beliefs?
C’mon . . . hit me with your best shot.
Sorry, DU-GI. I might take on Pat Benatar, but otherwise, my Daddy taught me not to hit girls.

Posted by scott on Monday, January 21st, 2008 at 1:46 pm.

39 Responses to “Giles to Obama: You’re Not Woman Enough To Take My Jesus!”

So, Giles got the already debunked by snopes email about Obama and made a column out of it?
Someone better get to him before he tries to make contact with that Nigerian Prince…
Mentally ill. I don’t see any other solution to Doug. The man is mentally ill.
And you know, if the homophobes are sick of getting accused of repressing their homosexuality, they should probably gag Doug and shove him in a dumpster, ’cause he ain’t helping any.
I’d rant, because this is so reprehensibly rantworthy on so many levels, but I think he’s driven my migraine to the verge of cluster and I’m going to go whimper in a closet for a while instead. Fuck you, Doug, you tiny-dicked botfly-ridden blood-vomiting hyena. In a just world, the oxygen would have rejected you before you had a chance to spew your first racial slur.
I hope you don’t think that’s hate speech, Doug, it’s just me expressing my own personal convictions.
In his latest Townhall ejecta, Pastor Doug Giles
Psst, the password is pastorbation
Oh, Doug. How can I bring myself to hate you? You’re like a character in a Christopher Guest movie–utterly lacking in self-awareness, and blissfully unaware of the extent to which you’re revealing all your unconscious anxieties and insecurities for the world to see. But in an endearing way! Well, “endearing” might be pushing it, but as a character, you’re so sublimely silly that you don’t generally make me ANGRY the way other wingnuts do.
The advancement of all “hate crimes” legislation, which ultimately could be used to silence pastors who believe—according to their own convictions—that homosexual behavior is . . . uh . . . wrong
Meaning Doug will be publicly silenced, but privately talking his ass off…
Swank is amusing, but this person, Giles, is foaming at the mouth evil. I can’t laugh at him. If I saw him staggering down the street, I’d look for a high-powered rifle, and load it with silver bullets, just to be sure.
The other new testament quote he seems to have overlooked is “Judge not that ye be not judged, condemn not that ye be not condemned.” It would be cute to follow this up with “snark not that ye be not snarked” but when you advance from pretending to a monopoly on spiritual purity to lumping those less pure with the infidels who must be destroyed, you’re following in the footsteps of some of the worst criminals of the past century.
So here’s a theory I’d like to advance, based upon the content of Dougie’s latest drooling rant: the more ignorant and clueless you are, the smaller your dick is.
What say the rest of you on this theory?
You know, being the good little liberal (facist) that I am I should feel pity for this man. But I have nothing but contempt for him and I’m going along with Bill S here, definately a teeny weeny dick.
My dick is nonexistent, Bill, so that might be a yes, but I do know others with nonexistent dicks who are brilliant, so maybe not.
I think in Doug’s case, he’s decided that his dick is what defines him as a Real Man, and the fact that he feels he’s not measuring up, so to speak, makes him behave like a total bastard to everyone around him. He’s just sulking, really, but resentful, insecure little fuckwits can do an awful lot of harm when they feel the world ought to listen to them.
Oh yes, I’m thinking Doug must have a teensy penis. I went on Townhall to find out if he really IS a minister and if he has a congregation (which boggles the mind to think anyone would actually attend a church service pastored by him)Townhall.com is such an eye-opener & eyesore. Definitely one site I couldn’t wait to click off of….how Scott & S.Z. regularly peruse it without becoming violently ill fills me with the deepest and most sincere appreciation of them.
Anyway, one of Giles quotes goes such as this…..
“A hunted wild animal’s gut pile is a glorious and beautiful thing. Long live the hunt and the hunter.” What the fuck? And there are various photographs of Doug beside his fish catch, the sensuously twined horns of some beast whose carcass will undoubtably rot in the sun or perhaps the head will become part of his living room decor…yeesh. BIG, LONG, MONSTROUS sized kills. Oh and then there’s the fact that Giles really, really likes to wear tee-shirts a size too small so to show off his buff upper body. It’s not at all a bad muscularity; it’s just that, yeah, I’m thinking it’s to compensate for the disadvantage of having a peepee instead of an adult size cock.
I would never say you were ignorant or clueless, D. Sidhe. The fact that you caught the unintended implications of my attempt at snark proves you’re smarter than me. It should have occurred to me that I was equating intelligence with endowment, which is sexist.
But really, wingnuts like Dougie and Dr. Mike do seem to harbor massive insecurities about their masculinity, and when you look at the gun obsessions and frequent homophobic swipes, you can’t help but think they’re overcompensating for something.
Well, no, I was assuming you meant “in men”, or really even in a specific type of man. The ones who are too stupid, ignorant, or sociopathic to grasp that masculinity and personhood are defined in ways other than adherence to the rules they were taught by narrow-minded fathers and school bullies when they were ten.
If you’re afraid of being thought to be less than a man (misogyny and homophobia, but it’s hardly rare), and you’re not smart enough to know what makes someone a man then you’re left with idiotic stereotypes, and the feeling you’re not quite fitting into the right stereotypes has to be literally terrifying. Doug is both dumb and narrow minded enough to think that part of what makes you a man is a big dick. It goes along well with his obvious sense that what makes you a man is fucking women, hating gays, killing animals, talking tough, black and white worldview, and all the rest of the silly posturing.
He clearly feels he’s not living up to it in some way, hence the overcompensation. So yeah, tiny dick. Or maybe he just cries after he shoots something. Neither of which make someone less of a man in my eyes (though shooting things for sport if you feel bad about it does, really), but I have a more nuanced view of humanity and good and evil. Doug obviously can’t handle that kind of uncertainty. If there aren’t clear rules, how does he know he’s a good guy? How does he know who the bad guys are? Next thing you know, he has to start thinking for himself, and he’s so unequipped for it.
Anyway, God love ya, Bill, I was just having some fun with ya. I’m a jerk a lot, too, and more often so when I have a migraine. It’s sure enough to make me feel dumb as hell, but it’s also not exactly the totality of my existence. There’s also, you know, the zombies.
Gappy: It’s really just one thing after another with Dougie. His hunting pictures and stories were posted on a previous version of this site, so I know that Doug is a really bad hunter, as evidenced by the fact that:
a.) He uses guns that are way too big for the prey he hunts,
b.) He apparently can’t make a kill-shot to save his life.
I’m pretty sure that they’re mostly canned hunts, too.
As for his congregation…well, the other regulars can probably explain it better (and more humorously) than me, but let’s just say that he’s not going to be competing with the megachurches anytime soon.
8. B-HO going to a church that propagates anti-white, anti-American and anti-Jewish blather, zany 9/11 “was our fault because we’re racists” rancor, and a “black value system” (Hello! Can you imagine if a white guy did this?)
Well, yeah, I can imagine a white guy going on TV to say that 9/11 was the fault of people who don’t fall in line with our orthodoxy, but fortunately Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell don’t run two of the largest schools in the country for students of Giles’ religious inclinations, and those students definitely have not been hired en masse to run the Justice Department, so they’re pretty fucking marginal.
Phew.
I’m guessing Giles sees that as merely an accurate assessment of the situation, so it’s completely not equivalent.
Or it wouldn’t be, if the thing about Obama’s church and 9/11 conspiracies wasn’t full of shit.
FFS, it took Obama most of a year to get to freaking New Orleans. This is not the stuff of a conspiracy theorist.
OK, for starters…Christian skipping around the maypole
Dougie is so enamored of “skipping” and brightly colored phallic symbols that he completely forgets that pagans and heathens do the maypole thing–certainly not evangelical Christians.
And, um, I don’t think Jesus ever mentioned black people. He didn’t mention abortion OR homosexuality once.
Not.
Fucking.
Once.
Hey Doug, when was the last time you actually stopped thumping your Bible long enough to read it? And jacking off to the torture scenes in Maccabees doesn’t count.
so when does B-HO transmogrify to H-B-O or, more likely, P-O-E?
Oh Dougie, you preach with such authority: Why I just about had a revelation reading the column on B-HO. I could see Yahweh standing on a cloud, looking like a pre-flab Arnold with a long white beard tossing lightning bolts to barbeque the infidel. A Hairy Thunderer of a God who pisses fire, loves guns and hates fags. He was soo …manly. Truly thou art a spiritual teacher of great depth and subtlety.
But the sheer genius of your theory of Obama as a Manchurian Candidate of the World Islam Conspiracy: surely the Lord Himself has revealed this to you; as it surpasses even your usual high standard of inspired vision. I’ll be on my guard now, you bet buddy.
2. his allegiance to a clearly anti-white, anti-Semitic, anti-American pastor/congregation
The Bible has so much to say about America, you just can’t study it and still remain anti-American. Just read Paul’s Epistle to the Texans.
Oh, and in re his fear that hate-crime laws might “ultimately” be used to silence homophobic ministers:
1. In order for a person to be charged with a hate crime, a crime has to be established in the first place. Public speaking is not a crime.
2. Does anybody remember Dougie’s column about the Larry Craig scandal? I’m too lazy to find the link to it right now, but it’s basically a detailed description of how much he’d like to beat the crap out of any gay guy who hits on him. So he’s got a lot of fucking nerve saying his homophobia is based on some deeply held religious conviction.
Honestly, Bill, I think he’s got more to worry about from libel laws than hate speech laws. Not that what he says is not the embodiment of hate speech, but that nobody’s ever likely to be prosecuted unless it involved actual exhortations to and threats of violence. Anything less would most likely be unconstitutional, which still matters to those of us who don’t think holding and torturing brown people without due process is dandy.
As far as I know, there aren’t laws against hate speech in this country. The hate crimes laws don’t include restrictions on speech-they refer to motive when a crime has been committed.
You guys are just cruel. The way you treat Pastor Doug’s rantings, sheesh.
Why, it’s as if you take seriously the spittle-flecked snarls of a caged, rabid weasel, and then proceed to poke it with a stick.
Okay, who took my stick?
If it were left up to the punch drunk secular Left, evangelical Christians would officially be SOL in the USA, fo’ shizzle my nizzle.
If it were left up to the religiously insane Reich wing Republican’ts, anyone but evangelical Christians would officially be SOL in the USA.
I just keep wondering how their vacuous melons don’t explode when they accuse the non-religiously insane of engaging in behavior that they’ve ben doing for years. Then again, I have morals, ethics, and a conscience…
I can only imagine that the childhood trauma that pushed Dougie into this shit must have been seriously icky.
Heydave,
As, um, thin-skinned as Dougie is, it could just be he got pantsed in front of the girl’s gym.
Maybe the Bible is so long and boring that the self-proclaimed Christians just never got around to reading the New Testament and its plot twist !
Or did they just skip to the last few pages (Revelations) ?
As far as I know, there aren’t laws against hate speech in this country. The hate crimes laws don’t include restrictions on speech-they refer to motive when a crime has been committed.
Yeah, I know. But for all the panicking Doug and his fellow homophobes do about the mere possibility, you have to wonder what the fuck they’re planning on saying that they honestly think would be outlawed.
Assuming there’s any sort of honestly involved here to begin with, which seems vanishingly unlikely.
Snarki, I’m suffering pseudonym envy.
Remember when Scott wrote I am a lot of things, Doug, but I am not your nizzle.. . . that was great . . .
Thanks, D. Sidhe, it’s taken years of “try this for a while, nah” changes, but I think I finally got a keeper.
BTW, are you any relation to Dan Sidhe, who used to (still?) inhabit VMS discussion lists?
H-Bob,
The school of thought assholes like Doo-gay (not to be confused with Ben Gay, “Doo Gay” is a creme that actually causes muscle pain) use is called “dispensationalism” which theorizes that there are threads of thought in the Bible that transcend Testaments, and flow from the OT to the NT.
I hope this one’s a keeper, it’s fab.
No relation, no. I’ve always been D. Sidhe, which stands for Daonie, both more-or-less pronounced and occasionally spelled as Dannie, depending on whom I’m lying to at any given moment. I strongly recommend everyone set up a believable somewhat-permanent hard-to-pin-down-exactly alias. And if it’s one others use as well, that’s just icing, so in general I refuse to confirm or deny which D. Sidhe are me and which aren’t. But the only experience I have with virtual memory systems is more organic, and I discuss it only with the voices in my head. And the zombies of course.
And, um, I don’t think Jesus ever mentioned black people.
One of my favorite stories comes from a gentleman who was collecting stories about How Death Came To The World when he was traveling Africa. He asked at one village, and was disappointed when a Catholic priest said he would tell the tale.
Expecting to hear the usual Cain and Abel tale, he was blown away when the priest not only used traditional storytelling techniques, but also claimed that Cain was the good guy because Abel was stopping him from grazing his animals on what Abel stole as his own farmland.
Long story short, the writer than asked the priest “What about black people”, having also heard from some that the herders (Cain) were black and the farmers (Abel) were white. The priest stood, stared at the writer a moment, and said:
“I have studied the Bible very thoroughly, sir. And I can tell you white people are not once mentioned in it.”
Giles could have shortened his silliness with “I am an asshole and so is God. Only assholes are ‘real’ christians ’cause we get off beating on and treating women and gays like they are wild dogs. Obama needs to be an asshole like me to be a ‘christian’. “
It has to be that “Jesus” whom B-HO follows because the one clearly defined in Scripture wouldn’t put up with that crap for a nanosecond.
Obviously, he didn’t consult the timing diagrams in the Jesus spec sheets. Jesus’ response time is three nanoseconds at a minimum, and that’s at superconducting temperatures. Still, we expect that Jesus core processor upgrade soon.
Christians would officially be SOL in the USA, fo’ shizzle my nizzle.
Yeah, uh, Doug? There’s a year on the phone for a you? Yes, it’s the year 2002, and it wants its tired slang back. Oh and it says that you don’t look “down with the street” or hip when you use it 6 years after it’s death, you look like an idiot.
Ryan Seacrest is hipper and more street cred than you. Loser.
Henceforth, Doug Giles will be known to me and mine as “Inny”.
blockquote>Yeah, uh, Doug? There’s a year on the phone for a you? Yes, it’s the year 2002, and it wants its tired slang back. Oh and it says that you don’t look “down with the street” or hip when you use it 6 years after it’s death, you look like an idiot.
He’s the man now, dog.
I’ve been calling him B’Ob, not Barry.

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