The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Coulter Defends Romney Till He’s Black and Blue

Ann Coulter grouses that the Mud People were planning to throw their poll tax money away by quixotically voting in the Michigan Republican primary.
Unluckily for McCain, snowstorms in Michigan suppressed the turnout among Democratic “Independents” who planned to screw up the Republican primary by voting for our worst candidate. Democrats are notoriously unreliable voters in bad weather. Instead of putting on galoshes and going to the polls, they sit on their porches waiting for FEMA to rescue them.
So by “Democrats,” you mean, “the Sons of Ham.” Gotcha. Doesn’t exactly require a Captain Midnight Decoder Ring to figure out what Ann’s saying here, and it’s not “drink more Ovaltine.”
In contrast to Michigan’s foul weather, New Hampshire was balmy on primary day, allowing McCain’s base — Democrats — to come out and vote for him.
Providing an amazing margin for victory, considering New Hampshire’s population is 1.1% black (it used to be more, but then it rained and they all melted).
I’ve been casually taking swipes at Mitt Romney for the past year based on the assumption that, in the end, Republicans would choose him as our nominee. My thinking was that Romney would be our nominee because he is manifestly the best candidate.
Thus limiting myself to only casual, instinctive swipes, nothing too savage, nothing likely to pierce the flesh and draw a bead of blood to the surface of his alabaster throat where it would pool and catch the light like a single perfect ruby…
I had no idea that Republican voters in Iowa and New Hampshire planned to do absolutely zero research on the candidates and vote on the basis of random impulses.
Ann? Honey? That’s like on page one of the RNC playbook. You’ve got to start coming to meetings again.
Dear Republicans: Please do one-tenth as much research before casting a vote in a presidential election as you do before buying a new car.
Since consumer research shows that most people who bought a car in 2004 and also voted for George W. Bush in the presidential election wound up purchasing a Trabant.
Turn on any cable news show right now, and you will see Democratic pundits attacking Romney, calling him a “flip-flopper,” and heaping praise on McCain and Huckleberry — almost as if they were reading some sort of “talking points.”
Doesn’t that raise the tiniest suspicions in any of you? Are you too busy boning up on Consumer Reports’ reviews of microwave ovens to spend one day thinking about who should be the next leader of the free world?
What is Ann’s gripe with people researching a product before they buy it? If she’s aiming to take over John Stossel’s act, she’s going to have to grow a slightly better mustache.
Are you familiar with our “no exchange/no return” policy on presidential candidates?
Sadly, yes.
Voting for McCain because he was a POW a quarter-century ago or Huckabee because he was a Baptist preacher is like buying a new car because you like the color.
And people say Ann lacks the authorial skills to develop a metaphor, kill it with a heavy blow to the head and then slowly and laboriously flay it with a carpet beater. But personally, I think it’s much more like listening to a female pundit’s opinions solely because you think she’s vaguely hot and probably talks dirty in bed, and you enjoyed her 1978 disco smash, “Hot Child in the City.”
The candidate Republicans should be clamoring for is the one liberals are feverishly denouncing. That is Mitt Romney by a landslide.
Right. Ann, you do realize that the plan to screw with the Michigan primary involved Democrats voting for Romney? Right? To keep him from dropping out of the race? I mean, evenMichelle Malkin figured that out.
Liberals claim to be enraged at Romney for being a “flip-flopper.” I’ve looked and looked, and the only issue I can find that Romney has “flipped” on is abortion.
Next time, Try Google! Now with Extra Stuff You Want to Pretend Doesn’t Exist!
When running for office in Massachusetts — or, for short, “the Soviet Union” –
Is it just me, or do you ever get the impression Ann writes her jokes by just flinging a handful of those random word magnets at the refrigerator?
Even when Romney was claiming to support Roe v. Wade, he won the endorsement of Massachusetts Citizens for Life — a group I trust more than the editorial board of The New York Times.
Me too. They’re anti-abortions nuts who oppose stem cell research and sex education, but at least they had more sense than to hire Bill Kristol.
And, of course, Romney is a Mormon. Even a loser Mormon like Sen. Harry Reid claims to be pro-life. So having a candidate with a wacky religion isn’t all bad.
I was conducting a scientific study on methods for determining whether Ann Coulter was attacking you or defending you, but I got distracted by this UL Product Safety Audit of “memory foam” mattress toppers.
Posted by scott on January 17th, 2008

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