The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Townhall Choice

Well, you can’t chose NOT to have any Townhall, but there appears to be an abundance of wingnut riches over there today and I don’t feel like reading any more of it than I have to. So, let’s pretend this is a democracy, and you can VOTE for the column that you want me to read and report on.   Hey, vote for two — they’re small.  At least, that’s what their girlfriends say!  (Zing!)
Here are your options, along with a few liner notes: ==================
1.   The Clintons in Crisis By Michelle Malkin
Okay, Michelle is no Dick Morris, but she’s probably sucked a toe or two in her time.  So, she must might have some inside info on the Clintons, as well as some sharp comments for the Spears sisters
Is it Matt “Boom Boom” Barber, the guy whose only claim to fame is getting fired by Allstate Insurance for defaming gays?  No, he’s too obscure for that. So, does anybody care what he thinks?  Vote for him if you do! 
3.  Janice Shaw Crouse : Never Underestimate the Power of Tears

In this column, does Janice ”Mad at My Mop” tell those post-abortive men to stop their sobbing and help some orphans in India or something?  We’ll have to read it to find out — but only if Janice is one of our finalists. 
Well, ARE they?  Jan, the Concerned Women of America’s expert on porn, will certainly know the inner workings of the CT judicial system, as well as the secret intents of the judges’ hearts.
This sounds like the title of a Hardy Boys knock-off  to me, but I’ve been assured that Austin Bay claims to be a real person
6.  Paul Greenberg : Happy Endings All Around
Or, what happened after the GOP delegates came to the big city and got massages. 
7.  Paul Greenberg : What’s Old? A Visit With Pierre Cliche

We can’t remember who this Paul Greenberg is, but he does seem to be trying to edge out Dr. Mike in the “how many times a week can I get Townhall to pay me for a column” department, and you have to respect that. 
8.  Mike S. Adams : ENG 317: “How Not To Be Gay” 
You KNOW we have to do this one – unless you’re all getting sick of Dr. Mike, that is.  (And it’s not like he doesn’t try to alienate everyone around him, so he’s probably be proud and happy if we all ignore him.)  
But Stossel says that such an attitude isn’t what the invisible hand that governs the supply and demand of politicians would want, so this candidate should be forced to drink tap water and abolish the FDC.  Or something Libertarian-esque like that.  Frankly, we don’t think there’s anything that Stossel says that interests us anymore, but we could be wrong, I guess.
10.  Kathleen Parker : That Obama Feeling
11.  Terence Jeffrey : Obama is the Most Pro-Abortion Candidate Ever
We’re gussing that “That Obama Feeling” is the one you have as you conduct a post-birth abortion. 
12.  Jonah Goldberg : Voting in the Age of ‘Dr. Phil’
With this one, I’m sure we’re in for many witty observations on pop culture and liberals who “feel” about voting instead of thinking,  I can hardly wait.  Yeah. 
13.  Maggie Gallagher : The Left’s Ronald Reagan?
Is he a dream?  (Ahhh!) Or a dud? (Ewww!)  Open the door to YOUR mystery candidate!
14.  Brent Bozell III : The Media’s Double-Standard On Civility

“Media Mom!  You let Keith Olbermann be all uncivil and stuff, but when Rush Limbaugh innocently makes a non-PC joke, like that he hopes that all black kids die of AIDS, then you ground him.  And it’s just not fair!”
There are more (so many more!), but that’s enough to pick from for today.  Choose two, and we’ll read them.  We can’t be any fairer than that.  Not without some bribe money, that is.

Posted by s.z. on Wednesday, January 9th, 2008 at 10:23 pm.

29 Responses to “Townhall Choice”

Dr Mike! Dr Mike! I can’t wait for his stunning revelation that to stop being gay I need to get more pussy and less dick. Because of course gay women don’t exist, unless they’re yelling “Vagina! Vagina!” at him.
And John Stossel would ordinarily get my vote, but he’s been overshadowed by leading intellectuals like Chuck Norris and Jonah Goldberg, and it’s time for him to go away now. So instead, I can haz Bozell? kthxbye.
Austin Bay & Janice Crouse, please; to hell with Adams.
As a side note on the Terence Jeffrey item, in the book “How Can I Help?”, by Ram Dass, the issue of babies dying all alone (or not) is mentioned . . .
You really can’t go wrong with Jonah Goldberg… sarcastically speaking.
Gotta go with the Pantload and Dr. Mike. Though I’m pretty sure the bulk of his post is a picture of himself naked. That would be more than enough to make me not gay.
Adams and Gallagher for a not-gay morning in America.
Thank the Sweet Baby Jesus there’s no Medved!
Here are my votes:
Jonah: I love it when the stupidest person alive writes a column about how stupid the rest of us are.
Matt Barber: I peeked at this one and it’s worth it for the thesis that Planned Parenthood likes teenagers to get pregnant.
Bozell & Crouse, though I am intrigued that Austin Bay seems to be the only person in the world still paying attention to the Bush administration.
And Townhall pays for this stuff? Really?
The doctrinaire poet in me — which is most of me — really wants to correct Austin Bay’s title so that it rhymes. “Speedboat Bluff in the Persian Gluff.” “Speedboat Bulf in the Persian Gulf.” The first one has a much better Seussian rhythm to it, so I’ll go with that.
Goldberg & Greenberg - Something old and something new . . . to me anyway. I’ve never heard of Greenburg, and I’m always happy to discover a new ‘nut.
I’ve been grooving on Jonad’s Lib Fascists: From Mommy’s Underwear Drawer to My Fetish, but the above article looks like a nice break from the tome.
I’ve been dying for S.Z. to rip into LaRue. My other vote is for Adams, simply because the title is so juicy!
Okay, I read some of those and… How much bribe money? ‘Cause this could be worth passing the hat. Ugh.
Dr. Mike and Jonah the whale. Dr Mike because his latest screed has the warm, gentle odour of a freshly squeezed out turd, and Jonah because he always has a please-fuck-me-up look on his face.
Greenberg: He hated the Clintons before they left the Little Rock trailer park. He deserves a little Crap Love for teaching the world the term Slick Willie.
And Brent Bozo: he’s like the Rupert Murdoch of online fascism without the billions. He doesn’t just spew weakling vitriol but he sponsors it. Smirkingly.
Most of those others have been done more often than Ann Coulter at a bat vampire orgy.
I agree with DSidhe - I’d gladly shell out $5. for s.z.’s excellent snark on any or all of the above. I know, I know, but they don’t call me The Big Spender for nuthin’.
Voting in the age of Dr. Phil?
Does that mean I and others (such is the power of Democracy) vote in that Doctor Phil shall from now on be 147 years old, at which he’ll promptly keel over and croak? (Unless he really is the time-travelling Doctor…)
Maglalangadingdong and “Doctor” Mike. They’ve got that special kind of wingnuttery that makes you wonder if they’ve been rational about anything. Ever.
Do Dr. Mike and Brent please.
Paul Greenberg is the editor in chief of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, not to be confused with the new defunct, Pulitzer winning, Arkansas Gazette (the best part of that staff is at the Arkansas Times). Greenberg is the prototype Clinton-hater.
That should be now defunct.
I read the Greenberg thing, and it doesn’t seem as snark worthy as I’d hoped. I’m amending my vote to Goldberg & Bozell.
I don’t know how you do it, I really don’t. I couldn’t last two minutes reading that site without my head literally and/or figuratively exploding.
so does Perfesser Dr Mike PhD complain that his imaginary 19 year old girlfriend’s abortion is making him teh ghey andimpotent?
and Janice “String Mop” Crause
I votes for MadMop!
Bozell makes my butt feel funny, so go for him too.
Barber for sure. Does he even realize that Planned parenthood is a non-profit?
too many lunatics,, too little time
but bozell takes the cake — with a malkin cheerleading him on
I’ve got to vote for Adams and LaRue.
Dr. Mike, obviously–his loud and proud “I’m an asshole!” stance is endlessly amusing. And Bozell, who is almost as irritating.
I think you have the two Greenberg notes mixed up.
I vote for #4 (sex sells, what can I say?) aaaaaaand… Lucky 13! Can’t wait to hear who they think comparing to Reagan is being complimentary.
Paul Greenberg : Happy Endings All Around
This gets my vote, as it has the most provocative titles (the pseudo-Hardy Boys was a close second) as well as homophobia overtones that I simply must read.
It’s like that old Spy Magazine article on the Bohemian Grove…told the story of how bigotry applies only if you aren’t a Republican.

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