The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Happy Birthday, Maryc

Well, it’s been a tough week, and neither of us really feels like going out to celebrate.  But I’m afraid to simply ignore the occasion, for fear of inviting the bitter fate of Jimmy Wilson from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, I Accuse My Parents.

As we all know, it was the failure of Jimmy’s parents to remember his birthday that sent him reeling, first into the arms of a kind-hearted but mobbed-up chanteuse…

“Tell you what, Jimmy.  You come by my place tomorrow morning about noon and I’ll fix you an old fashioned birthday breakfast.”

…and then into the Underworld, where Jimmy performed shadowy errands for a ruthless Mafia capo (renting cars, picking up packages, storing important papers in a safe deposit box) before two thugs mercilessly beat the crap out of him in an alley, despite Jimmy’s clearly telling them that it was his birthday!  After that, of course, he has no choice but to run away, traveling via an I Am A Fugitive From A Chain Gang-style montage, until, starving and desperate, he botches an armed robbery in Kansas which tragically culminates in Jimmy’s victim hiring him to flip burgers.

So, as I said, it’s been a lousy week, and I really don’t think I can handle it if the whole thing climaxes with Mary joining the Black Hand and going on a three-state crime spree because I didn’t make a big to-do about her birthday.  So just to be on the safe side, I’m ordering Chinese.

Chinese is a good call. May I also suggest a chocolate and cherry mousse cake? I’m not sure I can bring myself to say “Happy birthday” here, knowing it’s not bloody likely, but I hope you can avoid the whole chain-gang-montage thing, since the music is almost invariably awful.
Maryc, I hope you have a birthday that doesn’t totally suck!
And Scott, having seen “I Accuse My Parents”, I don’t think you need worry that forgetting Maryc’s birthday will lead to her falling in with the wrong crowd. One crucial plot detail is that Jimmy was, y’know, dumber than a bag of hammers.
Oh, fine, we won’t talk about the essay. Everyone just wants to forget the essay.
We’ll just pretend Jimmy never wrote the essay.
Are you happy now?
Just don’t go to one of those restaurants where the entire waitstaff comes out, clapping rhythmically, singing, “Happy, HAP-py Birthday, Happy, HAP-py Birthday!!1!” ::::shudder::::
Oh-and HAP-py birfday, as much as can be expected.
I Accuse My Parents contains one of my favorite MST3K lines ever.
The proprietor of the burger joint, spotting Jimmy sitting there down on his luck, says something like “You learn a lot about people in this business…”
and one of the crew (Joel?) quips, “For example, they’re bipeds!”
Are you happy now?
Well. I’m happy in my work
As well you should be, Scott. Your knowledge of horrible movies impresses me, and at the same time, skeers the shit out of me on several levels.
Mebbe one day, to skeer you back, I’ll send you the pathetic screenplays that I wrote in college. If that don’t larn ya, nothin’ will!
I know that it’s been a hellacious week for everyone at WoC, especially with MaryC losing her beloved kitty-child. I just hope that you can have a peaceful, comfortable birthday, Mary, and that the rest of the year is better for you.
And that, y’know, all of the republicunts in this country are finally convicted for their crimes against humanity and that the next year of all of our lives will be 1000% better.
“Well. I’m happy in my work… ”
Do you ever, ever shirk?
Sorry, not my fault. I accuse Mary’s parents. Happy Birthday, Mary, say, that’s fine, here’s five dollars [yawns].

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