The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I’ve Been Through the Desert With a Cat With No Name

Hi, everybody! I must apologize for my absence (and I want to thank everyone for their concern, and especially thank the very kind AnntiChrist M. Coulter for the book by Caitlin Flanagan on “Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife”) — but I did return bearing lovely excuses. First, I was sick, followed by scattered showers of fatigue, lassitude, and ennui. Also, I’ve been spending all my spare time (and money) at the vets. In a kind of post Valentine’s Day tribute to love, we did mass spayings and neuterings. Plus, two of the cats have been very sick. Little Oliver had a fever of 106 — it was thought he had FIP, which is fatal, but expensive blood tests revealed that the vet really doesn’t know what he had. But he’s okay now. Also, the new cat Sylvie (the one who was going to get the lovely goddess name, until I decided that she didn’t deserve it) had post-spaying complications, and was quite ill for a few days.

Plus, I got a new dog. It’s a long story, but I’ll probably bore you with it anyway in a day or two — but the short version is that he’s a black and tan Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, he’s 9 months old, he was put up for adoption when he got sick, but he’s okay now, and his name is Henry. Anyway, he turned out to be the sweetest, cuddliest, naughtiest dog ever. He destroys more before noon than you destroy all day.

Throw in several winter storms that necessitated shoveling vast quantities of snow (which tires me out, makes my back hurt, and causes me to get cold!), some family stuff, my challenging role of arbitrator in the ongoing Jet Jaguar-Sylvie wars, and my general debilitated state, and I couldn’t even find the energy to turn on the computer most days.

But, as penance, I did watch Fox News. Later I will share with you some of the things I learned (not much about the horrid conditions at Walter Reed, but lots about Anna Nicole Smith). Well, here’s one factoid for today: “faggot” is not offensive to gays, because it’s just a bit of school yard argot meaning ”sissy.” This comes from no less an authority than Ann Coulter, who revealed this pertiment info while guesting (she got two segments) on “Hannity & Colmes.” If you don’t believe me, here’s a snippet from the transcript:
COLMES: But you used a word that’s very offensive to gays. Would you use a word offensive to another group of people and say, oh, it was only a joke? Where do you draw the line? 
COULTER: It isn’t offensive to gays. It has nothing to do with gays. It’s a schoolyard taunt, meaning wuss.
Good to know — and I hope that, in particular, all you gays learned something from the William Safire of her generation, and you now realize that you aren’t offended at all.

Ann said a lot of other stuff, almost all of it equally stupid and annoying, but let’s move on for now, since I also learned that this weekend’s “Hannity’s America (which is apparently not a country for that you’d want to visit OR live in — I think it must be a level of hell so horrific that Dante couldn’t bear to write about it), Sean will reveal ten statements made by liberals that are WAY WORSE than what Ann Coulter said, but that the liberal media hushed up, since they so shamefully refuse to report everything that national figures like Ward Churchill say.

I also learned from Bill O’Reilly that Bill Mahr is just as bad as Ann, because he said something unkind about Dick Cheney while he was speaking at a national liberal conference, or on a comedy show, or something. Also, Bill informed us that John Edwards has no moral highground from which to denounce Ann, since Edwards hired those horrid anti-Christian bloggers (you know, the ones that Bill singlehandedly saved us all from).

Bill also taught me that Mr. Libby can appeal his sentence, because young Scooter was only convicted of lying during the course of an investigation about a crime that never even occurred, and that’s unconstitutional or something.

But, in closing, let me share with you what possible presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich had to say about Scooter’s “crime”:
Perjury is at the very heart of our legal system. And is very often punished very intently by the courts. [...]  The standard is in a court of law, should somebody who’s popular get away with committing a felony?
And if this week it’s perjury, and next week it’s theft, and the week after that it’s having somebody beaten up, then what morning do we end up as a corrupt country like Nigeria where the corruption is so deep that it eats at the very fabric of our society?
So, if Scooter gets a presidential pardon, we will all go out and lie and steal and beat up people, and then our national economy will be based on email scams. A strong warning from Mr. Gingrich which the President would do well to heed.

No, wait, Newt wasn’t talking about Scooter, he was explaining to James Dobson why Newt thought it was permissible (nay REQUIRED) to go after Bill Clinton for fooling around with Monica while he himself was having an affair with a young aide.
And anyway, God has forgiven Newt for his cheating, hypocrisy, and general loathesomeness, and it’s fine with God if you make Newt the leader of the free world. Anyway, just something to think about when you’re in the voting booth.

So, more later. Unless it snows some more, or I have to try to glue together another library book or something.

s.z., dearest of hearts, welcome back- what
would you like to drink?
I still can’t decide if you’re sainted or crazy. A little of both, maybe.
Me, I’m just happy I now get to write to all of Ann Coulter’s remaining advertizers and explain that they’re supporting a misogynist *and* a homophobe. It’s an interesting tactic, really. “I wasn’t insulting fags, I was insulting pussies!”
The worst part is, it’s entirely possible she really does believe that “faggot” is not anti-gay if not used at a gay man. That peroxide goes stright to your brain, I guess.
Hooray, you’re back with news greedily read concerning you and those of fur!!
Missed you so.
I’ve Been Through the Desert With a Cat With No Name
Where, I suppose, you found the heat was hot?
Absolutely, positively outpacing the second Worse Lyric of All Time, the Delfonics’ “Have You Seen Her?” by a 2-1 margin:
Why, oh why
Did you have to leave and (dramatic pause) go away?
Which we no longer have to ask of you. Welcome back.
yes, you were missed.
“…scattered showers of fatigue, lassitude, and ennui.”
We’ve been having weather like that here too… Welcome back. You were sorely missed.
S.Z. we have missed you so much – sounds like it’s been a tough winter. Glad you’re back! Please stay on the grid from now on.
S.Z., so pleased to see your return!
He destroys more before noon than you destroy all day.
Are you talking of puppy Henry, or Dubya?
Welcome back, s.z.!
Ha! My black cocker spaniel El Duque destroys more before 9 a.m. than your Henry does all day. If we accidentally leave the bathroom door open, he can toilet paper an entire 1,500 sq. ft. house in five minutes flat. He’s chewed a big hole in a $1,000 leather chair, converted two remote controls into useless bits of plastic, ripped the foam out of a 15-inch woofer in one of my speaker cabinets, and chewed the crotches out of more pairs of underwear than I can count (male, female, it doesn’t matter to him).
All this mouth action is in addition to his regular chew toy regimen. You can’t turn your back on the little bugger for more than two minutes. And yet we love him dearly.
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
With a breed name like that, I should think his nom de chien would be “King Henry the -VIII” (negative 8th)!
He destroys more before noon than you destroy all day.
That’s the “Cavalier” in him.
Glad you’re back, s.z.
I’ve got my computer back (major props to Realist, btw — — he has done what lesser men have only pretended to be able to do to a computer), and S.Z. is back on the blog!!!
Hell, at this rate, maybe we’ll get Dumbya & Dick convicted of treason, create world peace, and I’ll finally get off of my ass and blog, too!
Or, y’know, S.Z. will be cannonized or somesuch by all the critters on the planet, at the very least.
Howdy, s.z.! I left a “present” for you a few posts down in comments-a link to a “lovely” picture of Ann. She’s particularly “horsey”-looking (that woman does have the hugest… teeth).
Wow–another doggie! Well, it’s only fair, since the catses outnumber the doggies by something like a 3-to-1 margin. Spaniels are kinda medium-sized, so the whole I-am-become-death-teh-destroyer-of-worlds-thing wears off… eventually.
In r/e the Ann “faqggot” comment, I’m still largely not offended (since she was trying to offend), but I’m finding her intransigence over apologizing to be irritating. Not that I really expected her to.
The thing I really find more offensive than Ann is male pr0n stars who become raging wingnuts. It’s really a shameful wast of what little talent they have-I mean, if they could actually act, they would! OK, OK, 8,9, 11 inches is nothing to sneeze at, but it ain’t everything in the world, either! Of course, the article mentioned that Corp. Sanchez is 36 years old, and that’s a wee bit long-in-teh-tooth for a a gay pr0n star and ‘ho, so he’s wisely enough trying to diversify his income potential. Unwisely enough, he’s trying to combine two great tastes that don’t go great together, but what are you gonna do when ya can’t act?
Um, the two great tastes (etc.) in r/e Corp. Sanchez are “wingnuttery” and “gay hooker (but it’s OK, ‘cos he’s a top).” ‘Twas a little unclear above.
But, as penance, I did watch Fox News.
No wonder you haven’t been feeling well.
Hi, everybody!
Hi Dr s.z.
welcome back
I was taken to our local ER with chest pains, and FORCED, yes positively FORCED to watch FOX for a couple of hours. It was torture! I asked the nurse-attendant to change it to anything else, even Cartoon Network. I’ll take SpongeBob over Oriley any day. Sigh. Bad times. (the chestpain was nothing, probably gas?)
I feel your pain, Kathy (glad that it was “nothing,” though!) — every time I go see my arrogant yuppie spine surgeon, the waiting rooms play ONLY Fux Newz, so I’ve learned to shut my ears off and always bring something good to read with me. How people can watch that condescending pandering bullshit and not PROJECTILE-VOMIT, I have no fucking idea. But then, people watch scat porn and car wrecks, so I guess the capability for vitriol is universal, in a way. Just not ENTIRELY universal.
I’m not really trying to one-up Annti or Kathy but I must share my waiting room story. Two receptionists,one lady patient who’s avidly reading her People magazine and myself. No one is paying any attention to the TV which is BLARING Pat Roberson & the 700 Club. Now this hurts me not only physically,but mentally and emotionally so I get up and turn it so not to be further scarred for life. I remember I turned it to some news channel so it could have been Faux News but Jesus wept….I really become pissed off being subjected to Pat and co. I can ignore Fox. Everyone is STARING at me when I turn around, so I smile sweetly at all and sit down again, only to pop back up when my name is then called by the nurse. When I return minutes later from a nice little patient/doctor chat, I find the TV channel has been turned BACK TO THE 700 CLUB. I shook my head all the way home. Perhaps people in my area(BTW, I’m in central IL.)are afraid they’ll go to hell if Pat is not in their lives but let them watch him in their living rooms. Take those fucking TV’s out of common areas and up the variety of magazines. Maybe more people could improve their reading skills.
Do you suppose Fox lets hospitals, or other public places, have their programs for free? It might be good business for them, a captive audience. I prefer the History Channel, tho it’s pretty funny at times (unintentionally I’m sure). and EVERYONE loves HGTV, surely?
Oh, sz, we’ve missed you so much. And to think your time was spent lavishing money and attention on the furry creatures. It’s amazing what lengths they’ll take us to, isn’t it? You are a gem.
Thank you so much for watching that ghastly nightmare called FOXNews so we don’t have to. Your writing on all subjects makes my day on so many damned days.
Cheers, Helena
EVERYONE loves HGTV, surely?
I love HGTV, watch very little else in fact, and the more I watch it, the more I realize its preponderance of gay, interracial, and cohabiting couples — presenters and homeowners alike. So I’m not sure everyone would accept HGTV for The 700 Club as a straight substitution, nudge wink etc.
Incidentally, welcome back and much cheer to our hostess.
Well, Kathy, I can’t swear by Murdoch (when has THAT motherfucker ever GIVEN anything but bullshit and grief?!??!?!), but when I was a patient at the long-gone Charity Hospital in NOLA, they got all of their telecommunications shit donated, cable/satellite, etc., by the providing companies (cable co./sat. co.), and got some really cheesy premiums (t-shirts, mouse pads, etc.) from the stations themselves. So while the staff had total access to anything available online and/or on-air, for some bizarre and despotic reason, every TV that was placed in the minority of waiting rooms (clinic systems, ER, etc.) was locked onto the local CBS affiliate. The worst soap operas, and allllll fucking day long. Then, if you were lucky to be stuck at an 8A clinic appointment until SIX FUCKING P.M. (as I often was), and the pigeons and the bums out front (where us smoking heathens were exiled) on Tulane Avenue and the bus exhaust drove you back indoors — the local, Establishment-with-a-capital-E-and-a-permanently-puckered -sphincter, “news” would come on, with the overage “cute girl reporter” who should’ve been doing the geriatric beat and the uber-nordic He-Man Of The Desk co-anchor, all very soberly and with the acting skills of Armand Assante in that abortion of a “cajun” movie.
Granted, I’ve seen worse since then, much, much worse, as I’ve been exiled to the ass-end of Satan’s sigmoid colon for 3.5 fun-filled years… What in the HELL ever gave those rednecked motherfuckers in Baton Rouge the idea that they were “important” or “RIGHT”?!?!?!?!? Ugh. The fucking Archdiocesan pandering in every fucking “news”cast, all the “happy news,” and the inimitable worship of CHILDREN and BABIES, but when the MOM gets killed, oh, well, no biggie, we can find a replacement. But a CHILD was hurt!!!! Any day now, I expect to hear the phrase, “womb baby” ON COMMERCIALLY-BILLABLE AIR TIME. I don’t miss the cable SO much (I haven’t lived where I could get Comedy Central since I left NOLA), although the rabbit ears ain’t hittin’ on shit… But what I wouldn’t give for one of those TiVo-ish gadgets that lets you skip the commercials! This country’s sexism and rampant recidivism is spooging out of their EARS for fuck’s sake, if you go by their commercials!
Oh, and for those doctors with the interminably long waits nowadays, I bring my low-rent Discman, too. Loud, brass-ovary blues by Big Mama Thornton, Janis, Bessie Smith, you name it. Always fun to look up once in a while and watch the faces change expression when they make eye contact… heh heh heh…
Gay folk on HGTV? !!! Didn’t one of the religious pundits slam HGTV for that reason a while back?
That would be a funny complaint. “HGTV’s Homosexual Agenda is to promote color schemes of chocolate brown, light blue, and lime green. The Lord has shown his favor for un-ironic Mid-Century Modern.”
I have two doctors (I know, Heather has 2 mommies, but she’s just luckier than me). My Blood Pressure doctor and my head doctor. Although I love them both deeply (BP doctor can speak Urdu! fer crissakes, and head doc tells me with regularity that yes, I am crazy), but the waiting rooms are ghastly, unpleasant places populated by annoying, sick, crazy people who are usually fighting with someone on cell phones, screaming rotten children and an overall chaotic vibe that makes me feel vulnerable and unarmed. Fortunately, techcnology has solved the problem. If I couldn’t bring my ipod with me, I wouldn’t go. Period…
Thanks for putting my comments back up there, Scott — such speedy and friendly service — don’t ever go to work for Disney, PLEASE!!! — although I could’ve SWORN that I closed those italics tags, ’cause as we all know, I *never* fuck-up the HTML!!!
(Go ahead, get the hook, don’t worry, I’ve given up my career in vaudeville…)
Welcome back. Let’s see the pictures of Henry! Ken you make me feel better about the comparatively minor destruction caused by my mutts.
Welcome back s.z.! The tubes just weren’t the same without you!
OK, not trying to one-up mikey, Kathy, or Annti, bit here’s my waiting-room story.
In my old nephrologist’s waiting room, there weren’t any tee-vees or radios (just awful, soul-sapping muzak™), so that was OK, but here’s what they had by way of magazines: scattered issues of Time, Newsweek, etc. Some medical-related journals and AARP publications. Golf magazines. And (wait for it)…
Piles and piles of Teh National Review! I was soooooooo tempted to steal the one with the soldier on the front cover, captioned something along the lines of, “We ARE Winning In Iraq!”
Heh, indeed!
Marq, darling, when it’s articles of that spoof-worthy caliber, it’s not “stealing,” it’s LIBERATING!!!
Y’know, when & if it ever fucking gets here… *sigh*
Waiting rooms, nothing. I just got back from my folks’ and if there’s not a baseball game on or a cooking show, Fox News is. It’s basically just background noise for them (which I don’t get ’cause they got a parakeet, and that goddamn bird makes all kinds of racket), but my mother finds it a never-ending source of amusement watching me get pissed off at that piss-poor excuse for journalism thing.
It’s not a partisan thing, mind, though Momma is a Republican voter (with caveats for local elections) and generally conservative socially.* I’m just entertaining to watch when I get wound up and indignant, apparently.
*Actually, she’s probably more what one would consider “libertarian” socially. For example, she don’t give a shit about gay marriage because she’s already married, and if she can put up with my old man for 35 years, then marriage as an institution is in no danger at all. She’s even told her preacher** the religious arguments are, and I quote, “BULL-shit”. Momma’s pretty cool.
** Before he got caught with a bunch of other dudes, including one of my high school teachers, at a rest stop on the Natchez Trace doing something naughty, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.
Oof. I bet that one’s harder to live down than Jimmy Swaggart’s ugly-ass hooker at the Texas Motel on Airline Highway.

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