August 21, 2003 by s.z.

This Just In: Rush Reprograms Arnie

Rush Limbaugh just announced that thanks to him, Arnold Schwarzenegger has returned to his heartless killer-robot roots.

At his official site , Rush mentions Arnie's press conference yesterday, in which The Terminator mourns for those wretched, middle-class Californians who are taxed for flushing the toilet, and then says hasta la vista to all talk of an increase in property taxes.

Rush then claims that "It was no accident that Arnold's presser occurred after 3:00PM ET. I ended Wednesday's program with a simple monologue transcribed under the headlined: 'Just Be Yourself, Arnold'. I said this because I believe Arnold, based on his life story, is a conservative. A few hours after this monologue and the candidate's presser, Fred Barnes said that Schwarzenegger "'really did take up what I consider the Rush Limbaugh Challenge...'"

So, per Rush, Arnold heard Rush's program Wednesday afternoon, and realized that his liberal Hollywood cronies and his evil Kennedy wife had seduced him away from his simple, honest, barbarian values. He was stung to realize that he, a boy who had fled Austria with hopes of a better, steroid-enhanced life in America and had, through hard work and a speech impediment, achieved the conservative dream of making lots and lots of money and spending it on bimbos, assault weapons, and large estates which insulate him from any contact with poor people, was betraying all he believed in. Arnie immediately held a press conference in which he told the heart-rending story of a woman who, thanks to Proposition 13, didn't have to sell her house to pay her taxes and so was able to buy more crack.

I find this a beautiful and touching monument to the power of Rush. Just like how fundamentalist Christians convert born heterosexuals who stray into homosexuality because it is "trendy" and "gets me a discount at Jiffy-Lube," Rush converted Arnold back into conservatism through his radio show.

Next up: Ann Coulter invades Rome, kills its leaders, and converts the Pope to Christianity.

Oh, and here's the second-best news today about the California Gubernatorial race:

"Taco Bell Corp., based in Irvine, announced the launch of the 'Taco Poll' today, saying that every customer who buys food at its 1,000 stores across the state up through the Oct. 7 election date will be showing support for one of the candidates. Urging the public to 'put their vote where their mouth is,' company officials said that each purchased crunchy beef taco will count as a 'vote' for Arnold Schwarzenegger. A soft chicken taco will serve as a sign of support for Gov. Gray Davis and any Grilled Stuft Burrito counts as a vote for one of the other 134 candidates, according to Taco Bell officials. "

I suggest that in a show of support for Gary Coleman we all go to the Taco Bell drive-through and ask the person on the other end of the loudspeaker "Whatchu talkin' 'bout?"