September 2, 2003 by s.z.

I Accept Your Challenge!

I never thought it would come to this, but World O' Crap readers (and consequently, my new best friends) Cowboy K. and A. Steele have dared me to actually prepare "Sea Dream Salad," so I guess I'll have to (our national security is at stake, you know).  So, I'll stock up on lime Jell-O, cucumbers, cayenne pepper, and various forms of marine life, and will endeavor to make the dish later this week.  Unless Homeland Security downgrades the Code Lime Green, of course.

I also wish to thank that truth-tellin' machine Bill O'Reilly for his comments and his reiteration of the challenge.  Interestingly, later on in the email he asked to be called "Mary."  Usually you have to spend $4.95 a month at BillOReilly.com to be allowed to call him that, so I consider myself privileged indeed. 

My new buddy K.C. was impressed by my extensive knowledge of all things Spry, and related a terrifying childhood reminiscence of a friend's mother serving the kids leftover pancakes spread with lard and sugar.  So, if you ever start longing for the good, old, wholesome family-values days of "Father Knows Best," "The Donna Reed Show, and "Family Ties, remember that back then it wasn't illegal to feed lard and sugar on pancakes to innocent children.   Nor to let Marc "Skippy" Price co-star in a TV show instead of just being our President, like now.

And fellow hideous-food aficionado Perusio dared me to make Devil's Tower of Brussels Sprouts.  While I appreciate P's confidence in me, I am pained to admit that I wagered and lost my billiards rack (necessary for arranging the Brussels sprouts in those nice, triangular heaps) in a game with hustler pool Minnesota Spry, and so will be unable to prepare this one for the time being.  But if anyone is trying out for Fear Factor and wants to make this dish at home, the instructions are in 1966's "Serving Food Attractively," one of the pamphlets in the "Amy Vanderbilt Success Program for Women." (Because a woman is only as successful as the attractiveness of her food.) 

But for now, here's a recipe from the 1966 paean to Meatpower! titled "Party Plans for Food and Games," a publication of Swift's Premium Meats, which wishes to remind you that "Meat Provides a Wealth of Food Energy," AKA calories.  Not a slogan you'd see much today.

Oh, and the booklet also informs us that meat is an essential part of party games such as "Pin the Tail on the 50-Pound Pot Roast," "Bowling for Ham," and several indecent ones involving wieners. 

Anyway, here's a dish which you are advised to serve to the high-school gang at the Midnight Brunch following the senior prom, gang rumble, or Abstinence Social.

Prem Sparkles

Cut Swift's Prem into small cubes.  Combine with cubed Swift's Brookfield Cheddar Cheese, chopped sweet pickle, mayonnaise, and mustard.  Spoon over toasted sandwich buns.  Broil 3 minutes.

Yum!  Serve these and the teens will dub you you the ginchiest hipster in the PTA!  (BTW, Prem is made from people, but only pink, juicy people, so it's your best meat value.)

Anyway, more on the Regrettable Food Challenge later this week.  And thanks again to our fine World O' readers and gourmets.