The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

August 26, 2003 by s.z.

Our 1st REGRETTABLE Recipe
Taken from the 1963 Joys of Jell-O cookbook, here's a recipe for a sophisticated and biological molded salad that will surprise your friends, conquer your enemies, and almost destroy the world (photo courtesy of Scott C, screnwriter, co-author of Subliminal Cinema: Life Lessons from Lousy Movies, and a good friend).   Prepare yourself for:
Sea Dream Salad
1 package (3 oz.) Jell-O Lime or Lemon-Lime Gelatin
1-1/4 cups boiling water
1 cup grated cucumber
1 tablespoon vinegar
3/4 teaspoon grated onion
1/2 teaspoon salt
Dash cayenne
*1 pound shrimp, cooked and cleaned
* or use tuna, salmon, or Creature from the Black Lagoon

Dissolve Jell-O Gelatin in boiling water.  Add remaining ingrediants except shrimp; force through sieve.  Pour into individual ring molds or a 3-cup or 1-quart ring mold.  Chill until firm.  Unmold on salad greens.  Fill rings with shrimp.  Makes 4 entrees.
And have I tried this recipe, as part of the REGRETTABLE FOOD Project?  Well frankly, no, because I haven't gotten enough public support of this effort to make it worth my while.  But here's a proposition: if just one person emails me (I'd allow comments on this page, but I can't get that to work) and dares me to prepare this dish, I will!  And if Bill O'Reilly emails me and asks me to prepare this on his show, I'll certainly consider it.

11:30:16 PM    

You Lookin' Out For Me?  You Lookin' Out for Me? 

Ever wonder how stories are chosen for Bill O'Reilly's Fox News program, The O'Really Factor?  Well, wonder no more!  Per :
"At least twice a week Bill and his team hold a strategy meeting to discuss current events and potential stories.  During these meetings, members of the staff each present ideas that they have researched since the last meeting. . . As always, Bill's sharp journalistic instincts and interest in delivering complete and fair coverage of current events to his audience prevail." 
Yup, it's that "interest in delivering complete and fair coverage" that makes the show so great.  Anyway, think YOU have an idea for a show?  
 "Bill has no shortage of topics and news stories to be covered on his programs. Additionally, he has a staff working full time to bring the latest and most interesting stories to his audience.  However, if you have a story idea so unique or compelling that you don't believe that it will otherwise be covered, you can contact Bill's staff through this web site."
You know, I DO have a unique and compelling story idea that I don't think will be otherwise covered.  It's about this thin-skinned blowhard "news channel" host who lost it when this humorist made him look stupid, so he got his network to sue the guy for copyright infringement for using the word "and".  It all ended when the judge (and the spectators) laughed the network out of court.  I think this is exactly the kind of thing that O'Reilly would be interested in, since he is, per his site, an "unstoppable truth-teller ." 
However, I guess their interest in unique and compelling stories isn't all that avid, because "Due to the very high volume of email we receive," the "service" of being able to email Bill's staff is only available to "Premium Members of," and that costs $4.95 a month.   And I don't care enough about helping Bill live up to his promise to "deliver complete and fair coverage of current events" to pay him money for the privilege.
Oh, and speaking of fair and complete®, it's not too soon to reserve your copy of Bill's latest book, Who's Looking Out for You?  This is the tome that Bill was promoting at that book fair where Mean Al Franken hurt Billy's feelings -- and now the book Al was promoting at that fair is at the top of the best seller list, thanks to Bill and Fox's lawsuit.  It would only be fair of Al to return the favor by filing a paternity suit against Bill or something.
Anyway, here's the word from Bill's site about his latest future mega-bestseller:
"From the mega-bestselling author of The O'Reilly Factor and The No Spin Zone, a no-holds-barred exposé of the people and institutions who are letting Americans down - and what we should do about it. Bill O'Reilly is mad as hell - and he's not going to let you take it anymore.
In his most powerful and personal book yet, this media powerhouse and unstoppable truth-teller takes on those individuals and institutions in American life who are failing in their duties - big-time. In his inimitable style, mixing wit, pugnacity, and plain common sense, O'Reilly kicks butt and takes (and also names) names - from crooked corporate weasels to venal politicians to lazy and/or politically correct bureaucrats to sexually predatory priests and the Church hierarchy that protects them to a media establishment rife with political bias and economically hooked on violence and smut.
At the same time that he calls the famous and powerful to account, he dares to get personal, questioning just how much our closest friends, families, and lovers do look out for us . . . Its sage, candid advice on regaining control and trust in these troubled times will resonate with the millions of readers and viewers who have come to believe in Bill O'Reilly as the man who speaks for them."
Okay, I can see Bill kicking the butts of some weasels who were injected with animal tranquilizers before the show -- maybe he'd also kick some guinea pig tail and some gerbil whiskers, just to show how fair and balanced he is.  And I can see him taking the names of lazy bureaucrats ("Okay, cookie, I've been waiting in this DMV line for five minutes now, and I, Bill O'Reilly, am mad as hell and you are not going to take it anymore.  Hey, I am the man whom millions believe speak for them and I do NOT wait in lines like one of the little people!  I demand to know your name!"  I can even see him taking on sexually predatory priests -- maybe in a full contact wrestling match -- but that one is kind of nauseating to think about.
But his idea of questioning my closest friends, family, and lovers about how much they look after me is just something I can't get behind.
My parents (like everybody's parents) let me down in a lot of ways.  But I still don't want Bill getting in my ailing father's face and demanding to know why he never taught me to throw a baseball. and shaking the old guy, spittle flying, as he exclaims "Al Franken is a vile human being, would you agree? He is. WOULD YOU AGREE!?!"
And there was that time when my friend Sue forget to pick me up at the airport and I had to take a taxi; sure, I was miffed at the time, but she did say she was sorry.  So does she really deserve to have Bill show up at her house, yelling at her in his inimitable style, mixing pugnacity with bullying, until she cries?  You know, even though my friends and family aren't perfect, I still have enough affection for them that I'd get Al Franken to beat up Bill if he started getting personal with them.  But hey, if he wants to round up my former lovers and berate them until they confess that yes, they DID let me down, he can be my guest. 
But all in all, I don't see myself as somebody who is going to count on Bill O'Reilly looking out for me, even for $4.95 a month.

10:06:25 PM    

I Regret That I Have But One 10 Commandments Rock to Give For My Country
In today's WorldNet Daily, Alan Keyes claims that Judge Roy "Moses" Moore has not just the right but the constitutional obligation to go around putting big rocks in public places.
Here are just a couple passages from On The Establishment of Religion, Keye's creative and loony deconstruction of the Constitution, in which he makes it say that it prohibits the Federal Government from making ANY law or decisions about religion in order to allow the individual states to make their own official state religions.  And if you don't like living in a state that worships a large block of stone, your only recourse is to move to a less pagan venue.  Keyes adds:
"Whether through carelessness or an artful effort to deceive, they [the Federal Court and judges] ignore the distinction between the individual right to free exercise of religion and the right of the people to decide their government's religious stance. They have, in consequence, usurped this right of the people . . ."
 Um, excuse me, but did the people of Alabama really vote to have a Ten Commandments monolith installed in their state building, or did some guy sneak it in during the middle of the night?  So, who is doing the usurping here?  But let's move on.
Keyes' then introduces a strawman who claims that normal people and even judges should obey court orders, then tears it down with evil Nazis and such:
"If a federal judge orders the governor of a state to take actions that he conscientiously believes violate the rights of an individual or group of individuals, no one would deny that he is duty-bound to refuse such an order. If, for example, a Nazi regime somehow came to power at the federal level, and by legislation or executive order initiated an effort to confine Jewish or black Americans to concentration camps, all state officials acting under state constitutions that protected individual rights would be oath-bound to refuse unlawful federal court orders that declared people to be of Jewish or black heritage and thereupon ordered their confinement. What we clearly acknowledge to be possible and even morally obligatory in case of the violation of individual rights must be even more compelling when the case involves the violation of the rights of the whole people. "
See, Moore is just protecting you Alabamans from those federal judges who would do worse than send the black or Jewish individuals among you to concentration camps (by the way, a right the state reserves for itself).  Yes, Moore is ensuring the right of ALL the people to have a big 10 Commandments rock in the rotunda of the court house. 
But what if the Ten Commandments are not part of your religion and you feel like your right to not be Christian is being violated?  Or what if you are Christian but prefer to not have shrines to Roy Moore in your courts of law?  Then you move to Islamabama or Idahindu or Saneland, or one of those other states.  Because "Moses" Moore has determined (possibly through clairvoyance, but probably through divine revelation) that Alabama is a state where the people have decided that their religious stance is Rock-fearing. 

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