The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

September 17, 2003 by s.z.

Roy Moore's Back and the U.S. Congress Has Got Him!
Seeking to move his battle over religion in government to a national stage, suspended state Chief Justice Roy Moore on Tuesday offered his Ten Commandments monument to Congress for display in the U.S. Capitol.
 . . ."By its very action as the elected representatives of the American people, Congress would restore the balance of power between the branches of government and would send a message to federal courts that we, the people, have the final word on our inalienable right to acknowledge God," Moore said in a statement.
Hey, newsflash for Roy: We, the people, don't need you or your rock in order to acknowledge God.  We can acknowledge God just fine as things are, and we do; everytime we pass Him on the street, we say "hi".  And He usually acknowledges us back, unless He's distracted or something.

And we don't appreciate you trying to get Congress involved in your little battle with the federal court--yes, we, the people, elected these guys, and we don't pay them to install rocks or to help small-town demagogues take their act to Broadway. 

And if we wanted to send a message to the federal courts, we'd use Western Union, not a 4000-pound boulder.  Okay, we'd actually send an email, since we're cheap.  And while we might use a 4000-pound boulder to send a message -- by throwing it through somebody's window with a note attached -- it wouldn't be the federal court's window, because we don't know where they live, and anyway, we have no beef with them.  Where do you live, by the way? 

Oh, and if the federal court decrees that we can't have copies of the Ten Commandments (or shrines to our ancestors or statues of Ganesha, etc.) in our homes, then maybe we'll give you a call.  Until then, why don't you have a yard sale, to raise money to pay back the state of Alabama the million dollars or so your personal cause has cost them so far?  And leave us alone until that's done.  That's our final word. 
Geez, won't this ever end?  Won't Roy ever shut the heck up and move on to something else, like feeding the hungry and clothing the naked?

Yeah, yeah, I know.  So, I offer you . . .
News from the future! 
Stardate 2069.9.3.  Roystown, Roysylvania, United Earth (Galactic Press):  Seeking to move his battle over religion in government to an interplanetary stage, the head of suspended Priest-King Roy Moore offered his Ten Commandments Monument for display in the Sublime and Effulgent Thought Chambers on Neptune. 
Moore's head was formerly the religious and temporal ruler of Mooresylvania, a tiny nation which seceded from the United States of America in 2008 when Moore lost his presidential bid, and he and his followers established a new country founded on the principle of rock worship.  He lost the job when his congregation/nation encountered the rock monsters from that "Star Trek" episode with Abraham Lincoln and Ghenghis Khan, and started worshipping them.
Moore's head said that by putting the Ten Commandments boulder in the undersea cavern which symbolizes Unity of Thought to the plasma beings of Neptune, said beings would be sending the message to U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson that he was wrong and Roy was right, and that They, the People of Neptune, have an inalienable right to put rocks in public places. 
Moore added that since "Neptune was founded on a belief in God, not the Koran or Hindu or The Force," Moore had a perfect right to put the rock in the Neptunian Thought Chamber, whether the Neptunians wanted it there or not. 
The group mind that united to speak for the Neptunian people on this occasion informed the Earth delegation that they had "wished Moore" into the "qetixl field," so there would be no need to ever bother with him again.
Well, I can wish. 

Anyway, I'm sure many of you have been thinking "All I ever hear about is Roy Moore, Ten Commandments Judge -- who is Roy when he's not fighting crime?"  Well, you'll be happy to know that "Focus on the Family's" Citizen Magazine ran a glowing profile on Roy last August, and it will tell you everything you'd ever want to know about the legend we call "Moses" Moore.  Here's a link:  Thou Shalt Not Back Down

But if you, like many Roy Moore fans, want to understand the essence of the man but just don't have time to eat breakfast AND read the whole article, I offer you this condensed version.  I hope it inspires you as much as it did me:
He usually stops at nine laps, but not today.  This is of absolutely zero interest to the half dozen men and women sharing the track with him — and why should it be?  That extra fifth of a mile helps explain why this stranger is arguably the most loved and most hated man in Alabama.
“We didn’t even have an indoor toilet when I was in high school,” he adds.  Even though his job comes with a salary of more than $150,000 and status as one of state's most powerful men.
Moore eventually landed in Vietnam.  It was there, as a military police officer and company commander nicknamed “Captain America,” that Capt. Moore became a marked man. “I handed out a lot of Article 15s, and that didn't make me very popular,” he remembers. “At night, I used to take sandbags and put them under my bed and around my barrack so that if anyone exploded anything it wouldn't kill me.”
A painstaking archivist of his own life, Roy Moore has about a dozen scrapbooks brimming with copies of just about every newspaper or magazine article that's ever mentioned his name. 
“There was a lot of pent-up animosity, and I wanted to release it physically,” Moore says of his foray into hand-to-hand combat. He fought just once, easily dispatching a third-degree black belt — even though he was no degree of black belt at all.  How did he do it?  “It really was just setting a goal.  Once I did that, no one was going to beat me.  They just weren't.”
"We killed cattle when we wanted meat. We stripped it right there on the field.  It was something God gave me that I didn't know existed.”
“He was a very godly man; I could tell that right off,” Kayla says. “And that impressed me —  the poetry he wrote.  I tried to avoid him.  But he kept on coming.”
His bodyguard, Leonard Holifield, laughingly warns those planning to spend any time at all with the judge to decline his invitation to a game of checkers.
Moore spent hundreds of hours chewing the earpieces of his eyeglasses while pondering the most minute detail of where and when Thomas Jefferson prayed or the care Congress took to make sure “under God” was not set off with commas when the phrase was added to the Pledge of Allegiance.
He’s done it not only by placing the Ten Commandments monument in the judicial building rotunda, where it's become a tourist attraction for visitors from as far away as Wisconsin; but also by issuing bold opinions rooted in legal, historical and biblical fact — including one earlier this year that denied a lesbian custody of her children, in which he referred to homosexuality as “a violation of the laws of nature and of nature's God.”
 “If they want to get the Commandments,” he adds with an assured smile, “they'll have to get me first.”  
 Copyright © 2002 Focus on the Family
There.  That's our tribute to Roy.  We won't be hearing from him again for the rest of the decade.  OR ELSE!

1:41:53 AM   

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