SCHWARZENEGGER CLEARED OF "ORGY CHARGES
FoxNews investigation reveals incident was "Only a gang bang."
1977 interview given to OUI magazine by California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger has recently surfaced, complicating the actor's bid to woo a Republican base which already suspects his conservative bona fides. In the article, Schwarzenegger told of "hopping on" a physical culture enthusiast at Gold's Gym in Venice, California while other bodybuilders joined in or watched, an event which GOP political strategist Stu Blau claims has been unfairly painted as an "orgy" by the media.
"The word 'orgy' suggests the pagan degeneracy of Ancient Rome, a bunch of oiled up men and women in golden masks writhing like filthy beasts in a cesspool of their own self-indulgence. Well, that's way too disorganized for an Austrian. In this case, there was only one woman, and she simply pulled a train, which is far more orderly--everybody stands in line and waits their turn while swapping training tips and wheat germ recipes. It's a much more German sort of intercourse, except without all the urine and fecal play, and Arnold assures me that like all of the group sex he participated in, it ran like clockwork."
Blau believes the controversy will actually work in the candidate's favor, helping to dispel the popular misconception that Republicans, while virile on issues of national defense, are pretty much Lionel Barrymore fromIt's a Wonderful Life when it comes to sex: warped, frustrated, and dead below the waist.
"There's definitely a penis gap," says Blau. "During the Clinton Administration, the president was widely regarded as a political centrist with a firm grasp of social and fiduciary issues and so much hanging salami that his pants came with extra pleats. While the current image of President Bush is of a strong wartime leader who stuffs socks in his crotch. Schwarzenegger may be the only Republican who can bridge this dichotomy, by combining a fiscally prudent anti-tax platform with a history of nude photos and gang bangs."
Some of Blau's other clients have gotten the same message, and begun admitting to their own youthful sexcapades. Such revelations recently prompted Senate Judiciary Chairman Orrin Hatch (R-UT) to renew his condemnation of the lax moral climate that prevailed during the Clinton years. "As a member of the world's most august deliberative body, I remain ever cognizant of my sacred public trust, and continue to uphold my vow never to dishonor the good people of Utah by engaging in intimate physical contact on Federal property.
"However, as you know, I have just released my second CD of patriotic songs, and to be honest, I've got to admit that the music side of my life is nothing but trim. There's just something about patriotic young women, their bosoms aswell with national pride, that makes 'em go boob-baring nuts at my shows. By the end of the set, the stage is so cluttered with red white and blue g-strings and tangas that it looks like the Frederick's of Hollywood 4th of July Sale was hit by a JDAM. I'm telling you--and Toby Keith can bear me out on this--you've never experienced love of country until you've gotten a backstage hummer from a pro-war coed."
On the House side of Congress, Majority Leader Tom Delay told a similar tale from his days as an exterminator. "There's a lot of pest control groupies. Not sure why. Maybe it's the uniform. Or maybe it's the fumes from the chlorpyrifos making 'em woozy. All I know is, you get one of those chicks under a fumigation tent, and before you know it you're sticking your Dick Cheney in an Undisclosed Location."
According to the Sugarland Republican, many GOP Representatives engage in semi-public sex on Capitol Hill. When one reporter expressed skepticism, Delay rejoined, "Okay, some of my colleagues, let's face it, are balsa boys. No offense, but...Bob Dole? Helloooo? Mr. Softy, it's time for your medication. But the Freshman class is really changing all that. Why just the other day I ran into an extremely conservative member of the Republican Caucus--I mean, straight A's from Grover Norquist--and he was clam diving right under the Willard clock in the Old Supreme Court Chamber."
Whether California voters will decide that Schwarzenegger's history of steroid-fueled group sex reflects well or poorly on his ability to govern the troubled state remains to be seen. But before the ballots are cast, Blau would like to remind every Californian that, "When all is said and done, this is a man who made the train-pulling skanks run on time."