The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

September 20, 2003 by s.z.

Bill O'Reilly Kicks Butt, Names Names, and Gives You Other Tips On Making Friends

I was at NewsMax, reading an article about how the evil NY Times is picking on a Friend of Bill (O'Reilly), the saintly Mel Gibson, just because Mel issued death threats against one of their columnists in an effort to stir up interest in his unwatchable movie.   (I was only reading that article because it came up while I was looking at a list of entertainment news stories at Google News -- what I want to know is just how Google selects its 4500 "news sources," and how we can become one, because I think we present every bit as much actual news as NewsMax, and are way more professional, since WE don't have ads for prostate cures and attracting women via pheromones on OUR site). 

Anyway, a link at the bottom of the article is titled O'Reilly Responds to Pinhead Critics.   I clicked it, since I thought my name might be mentioned, but instead of Bill responding to Zippy and the rest of us, it was just an ad for Bill's new book (yes, apparently Bill written a book--who knew?), which you can buy through NewsMax. 

In their ad, NewsMax discloses exciting new details about the contents of this book, but only gives us broad outlines and generalities -- so, I've provided my best guesses as to what Bill's book really covers.  Follow along at home and see if your guesses match mine (remember, the NewsMax copy is in maroon, my responses are in black -- you can use whatever color you like to record your answers and score them at the end).  So, let's start the game!
In his book, O’Reilly reveals:
1.  How the big media, government and the legal process can crush you if you are not careful
They can force you to sue Al Franken for copyright infringement after showing him making a fool of you on CSPAN, and then crush your spirit by laughing you out of court
2.  The inside story of how he took on establishment giants and lived to tell about it
A compelling story indeed, because those establishment giants, like Tom Green and Madonna, will knife you in a heartbeat if you aren't careful.
3.  Why O'Reilly believes Hillary Clinton remains a threat to ordinary Americans and her presidential ambitions
She remains a threat to ordinary Americans because, like Madonna, she is really vicious in a knife fight; she is also known to mug tourists for money to fund her liberal social programs.  She remains a threat to her presidential ambitions by her dowdy fashion choices.
4.  The shocking details of the Clinton administrations revenge against him, including three IRS audits three years in a row
Yes, even though O'Reilly claimed hookers as a business expense, the audits were obviously part of supervillain Hillary Clinton's elaborate revenge against him, a plan which Dr. No and Goldfinger helped her perfect. 
5.  The failure of our bureaucrats who can track down taxpayers for IRS audits but can't locate Saddam or Osama bin Laden
The more shocking story of why the IRS won't deport terrorists and murderers (they save they want to save money)
I think I sense a theme here: "Instead of tracking down Osama and Saddam and deporting them like they should, the IRS wastes its time picking on innocent Bill O'Reilly's, whose only crime is tax fraud."
6.  How celebrities like Whitney Houston and Jennifer Lopez are corrupting our culture
By being uppity.
7.  How the big media like the NY Times are not looking out for you.
Does the NY Times take your back when you're in a knife fight with Madonna?  If not, how can they claim to be looking out for you?!?
8.  O'Reilly names names of the bad guys in the media
"Frank Rich of the NY Times, who wouldn't let my man Mel Gibson kill him, kill his dog, and put Frank's entrails on a stick; Judith Maslin of NY Times, who reviewed that Al Franken book which makes fun of me, and repeated the canard about me not knowing where I live; Bob Simon from BusinessWeek, who called me 'cheesy'; Jason Whitley, subscription department of Sports Illustrated, who didn't give me that extra Swimsuit Edition I asked for; Davey Jenkins, paperboy, always throws my NY Daily News in the tree."
9.  How to determine if someone is working for you
Check their W-2s
10.  How to find and keep real friends
Per his Fox bio, Bill's friends are the kids he went to first grade with.  So, I bet he recommends finding some there.  While school authorities may look askance at you, pay them no mind.  Keep your new real friends by exercising the people skills one might use on a TV show, such as bullying, yelling, pouting; also keep them through threats of lawsuits and other forms of intimidation. 
 At least, that's what I think Bill's book will have to say about these topics.  If your answers make mention of Al Franken, Madonna, and how the The New York Times will take ANY action to crush its opponents, give yourself 100 points.  If you said Bill will only be looking out for you after they pry your gun from your cold, dead fingers, give yourself 50 points.  If you thought Bill had really written a book and were going to by it, sorry, no points for you. 

 But that reminds me remind you to check your Parade section in tomorrow's paper for some advice from Bill on picking friends and judging others.  It will be especially helpful to us single women, since it promises to teach us how to recognize good guys, and how to get pregnant so we can trap them into marrying us.
So, read Parade and remember to vote for cake or pie, come election day. 

11:28:53 PM    

Regrettable Food Project Update: Pineapple Cake Tied to Kinky Sex; Magic Meat Pie Made From People

A couple of days ago I mentioned that our next experiment for the Regrettable Food Project would be taken from the mid-century Spry classic, "Aunt Jenny's Favorite Recipes." Right now our vote is tied 2-2 between Pineapple Parfait Cake and Magic Meat Pie.  I realized that some or our more conscientious citizens might need more info before casting their votes, so I scanned some relevant documents and provided them below.  Read them carefully, then vote for your choice using the punch ballot marked "Comments."  If you do it right, California's recall election is back on, and one of these recipes will be the Golden State's new governor.
Candidate One: Pineapple Parfait Cake
While Pineapple Parfait Cake may indeed be "A delicate party cake with a temptin' fruity flavor," the masculinist groups have denounced it for being demeaning to men.  A spokesman claims that comparing husbands to little boys is sexist, unfair and uncalled for.  He added that what men do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business, and Aunt Jenny should give poor Calvin a break and let him lick her spoon without making him feel ashamed for his sexual needs. 

The Foundation for Religious Freedom in Cakes said that this dessert will go to hell for presenting "wanton, perverted, non-procreatory" sex as an option for married couples.  They also denounced its "Temptin' Fruity Flavor," claiming that it's leading our young people to experiment with homosexuality and pineapples.

Candidate 2:  Magic Meat Pie
As you can see from the above photo taken by a surveillance camera hidden in the can of Spry (we must commend the Spry for its bravery in undertaking this undercover assignment), Jenny is serving what resembles chocolate cake to "poor" Ebeneezer Todd and Hank Parsons.  The gentlemen live by the Train Depot, probably in a cardboard box, and so don't get much good home cookin'.  Ebeneezer is raving about Jenny's Magic Meat Pies while Hank, who hasn't eaten in days, stares at the cake like a starvin' wolf gazin' at a lamb. 

This seems like a scene right out of a Norman Rockwell painting, right?  A kindly, home-spun middle-aged woman exhibiting Christian charity by feeding hungry, lonely, old bachelors?  Well, would you change your mind if we revealed to you that Ebeneezer Todd is Sweeney's son, and that he and Jenny are just fattening up derelict Hank Parsons with cake so they can use him for the next batch of Magic Meat Pie???  (NOW how do you feel about Aunt Jenny servin' it at the Church Suppers?)  Although Spry-Cam revealed Jenny and Ebeneezer's dastardly plan, the authorities declined to prosecute, stating that at least Jenny was doing something constructive about the homeless problem, and she really does make a flakey biscuit.

Anyway, your choice is clear: vote for Pineapple Parfait Cake if you believe in that husbands are like little boys, and you also believe in kinky sex and homosexuality.  Vote for Magic Meat Pie if you believe cannibalism is a valid solution to the homeless problem.  Rock the vote, kids!

9:08:15 PM  

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