September 13, 2003 by s.z.

An Item of Business:      In honor of my birthday, the deadline for voting in the big "Beef Pie Alamode Vs Stuffed Frankfurters" contest (Regrettable Food Project, Experiment #1) has been extended until noon Sunday.  Here's your chance to show the right-wing jerks that this country has had enough of the Stuffed Frankfurters who pollute talk radio (and also show your support for our NATO allies) by voting for Beef Pie Alamode!  Or, here's your chance to stick it to the liberal jerks who think they're TOO GOOD for the all-American frankfurter,  by voting against their pie, which, in its very essence, sins against Nature and Nature's God, by putting beef where there should be apples, or at the very least, cherries.  If you don't vote (via the comments section, email, or some form of chad), you lose all right to complain about anything, ever. More crap tomorrow, when it's not my birthday. 1:30:17 AM

Please Give Ann 14 Harvard Grad Students In his latest exercise in crankiness, Harvard Lies, here's David Horowitz knocking Al Franken's book: "It's actually not a funny book -- unless you happen to be an exceptionally mean-spirited and ill-informed liberal who thinks all Republicans are racists and that President Clinton was a pro-military foreign policy hawk who devoted more time to tracking down Osama bin Laden than he did to the Monica Lewinsky mess."  "And if you're just a regularly mean-spirited and ill-informed liberal who thinks that only some Republicans are racists and who likes to say 'Bill Clinton!' just to watch conservatives shoot steam out of their ears, you will still find the book amusing, especially if you inscribe it 'Thanks for all your help; Love, Al' and send to Bill O'Reilly as a birthday gift.  But if you are a right-wing pundit who wasn't mentioned in it even ONCE, you probably won't like it one bit." David goes on to deplore the fact that Franken got research assistance for the book from Harvard University grad students.  And he DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!  Dave seems to believe that this shows the overwhelming liberal bias at our nation's universities, and adds: Ann Coulter has written a parallel bestseller (under her own steam, however) which attacks liberals and Democrats like Al Franken. Can anyone imagine Harvard soliciting Coulter to write her book, Treason, and providing her with fourteen graduate students to research it? Well, I can.  I think it would be a great thing to do, and am thinking of funding it myself.  I think it would go a little something like this: Ann: You there -- Student!  Where's that research proving that Joe McCarthy was an American hero but that the liberals martyred him because he exposed the fact that they were all Communists? Student #1: Um, Miss Coulter, we found that Joe McCarthy was a self-serving demagogue who actually helped Communism by crying wolf so often that he discredited legitimate anti-Communist efforts.  And the liberals didn't destroy him, he pretty much did that himself through lying and alcoholism. Ann: You're a retarded moron!  Go back to Hitlerland, where you belong! Hey you--Swarthy Student!  Get me that research showing that the all-mighty, think-they're-better-than-me NY Times dissed the yokels by not printing that race-car guy's obituary until a week after his death. Student #2.  You'll be happy to learn that when we found a copy of the Times from the day after Dale Earnhardt's death, we saw that they had printed a story about it on the front page.  So, no bias there! Ann: You . . . you . . . LIBERAL!  You must buy your Wheaties at the supermarket!  You think that The Three Stooges are close, personal friends of the Pillsbury Doughboy!  Bill Clinton is your poolboy! Student #2: I'm trying to follow you here, but you're not making any sense.  Have you considered taking a class in logic -- Professor Adams has a good one for freshmen that many beginners find very helpful. Ann: Just get out, you ugly, lying, TERRORIST! And you, Grad Girl, learn from the experiences of your comrades and hop to it!  Find me some research that proves that the Earth is flat, like regular people have known all along, and find some sources who say that 100 years ago the liberals instituted a big conspiracy to promote the false "round Earth" idea so they could kill Christian babies and eat them. Student #3: Wow, you're good!  You never break character!  But you can tell us: when are you going to announce that this was all an act, like Andy Kaufman and his wrestling bit?  Of course, I was never sure if Andy was acting, or was really mentally ill but later CLAIMED it was an act in order to save face. . .  But I'm pretty sure you are just putting everybody on, and you're going to announce this any day now, since you've taken this schtick as far as it can go.  Right? Ann: You are all so fired!  I don't need you; I don't need anybody!  I don't need any research either!  I do just fine by making stuff up and then putting in footnotes citing sources selected at random from the references Google comes up with when I search for "Ann Coulter nude."  And I don't need Harvard either, so get those electrodes off of me, get those photos of Bill Clinton and that blood pressure cuff out of here, and come out from behind those two-way mirrors.  Yes, I know you're there!  Damned liberal psychology department! Like I said, I would pay for the grad students.  All Harvard has to do is supply the two-way mirrors and the electrodes.