The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

September 21, 2007 by s.z.

Here's another little item from our Fermented Irony files: it's from an ad for "Wate-On Tonic," which reminds you that "Modern eating habits often lead to underweight condition simply because many foods depended on by thousands of Americans don't contain enough calories."
So Don't Let This Happen to YOU!

Make sure you that when you visit Miami Beach, you aren't being shadowed by Grandma Skeletor.
Oh, and the news about our country's frighteningly under-caloried foods reminds me that thanks to an absentee ballot submitted by Ivan, Pineapple Parfait Cake now leads Magic Meat Pie, 3 to 2.  With the final deadline of tomorrow night approaching quickly, it looks like an easy victory for pineapples and perversion over good, old-fashioned cannibalism --unless somebody else votes, of course.

8:51:10 PM    

Showdown at the Lying Liars Corral; Plus, A New Feature: Fermented Irony

I was idly channel surfing (the Emmys having disrupted my normal Futurama/Simpsons viewing) when I caught the Bill O'Reilly interview segment on "Dateline."  I have to say that for a guy who thinks his mission in life is to publicly humiliate anyone he disagrees with, Bill is an awfully sensitive bully.  (Some might even claim that Bill is getting paranoid, what with his insistence that his enemies will do ANYTHING, including moving Bill's childhood house out of Levittown, just to hurt his feelings.) 

But my favorites moments from the interview were:

1.  Bill calling himself the "quintessential Irish warrior."

2.  Bill explaining that since age two he's been on a crusade against unfairness. 

3.  Bill saying that he really belongs in the Old West, and that if this was Dodge City, there'd be a showdown with Al Franken, "and only one of us would be left standing."

But let nobody say that Bill doesn't take ribbing well . . . or else he'll KILL you!

With that, let me introduce a new running feature for the blog: Fermented Irony.  Here's Scott's description: "In their day, straight reportage, grade school primers, or earnest entreaties to consumers to smoke more cigarettes.  But after years of careful aging between slick covers, what was yesterday's quotidian grape Flavor-Aid has matured into a ripe postmodern vintage that will appeal to today's discerning irony connoisseur.  With top notes of inadvertent self-parody and sweet undertones of fruity cluelessness, these fine brews, such as Chateaux de Photoplay 1958, will make excellent additions to your cellar or birdcage."
This new feature is based on the fact that my basement contains several boxes of mildewing magazines (circa 1935-70) which I purchased at an estate sale for $10.  I also have a collection of vintage textbooks designed to brainwash small children into washing their hands and drinking their milk; some rare Smurf and Bionic Man Christmas LPs; plus other junk that I need to justify owning. 

So, Fermented Irony.  Stay tuned for the true-life drama of "Can Rock Hudson's Marriage be Saved?"  Be watching for the story of who "Rugged Richard Simmons" prefers spend his time with.  Prepare yourself for the erotic adventures of Betty, Tom, and Susan, and their encounter with creepy Mr. White and ride on "The Big Train."

But for today, here's the Duke, from the back cover of American Legion Magazine (per their mags, the Legion existed, at least in the late '50s, to root out Commies, have conventions where they could meet hookers, and to smoke):

Not much we need to say about that one.  But we like to think that if Wayne hadn't succombed to lung and stomach cancer, that he and Bill O'Reilly could have shared the pure pleasure of a smoke while they plotted how they'd shoot Al Franken and frame Jimmy Stewart for the crime. 

8:02:08 PM    

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