The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

September 7, 2003 by s.z.

Bush Seeks Money, Guns, Lawyers

Well, we were feeling a tad under the weather (we blame Jell-O of mass destruction) as we watched Bush's address to the nation, so can't vouch for the accuracy of our recollections, but here are the key points we got from it.

1.  Bush does too have a coherent plan for dealing with Iraq, but it will cost you $87 billion to find out what it is.

2.  U.S. military leaders say there are enough American troops in Iraq, but we need some NATO ones there too, to add European flair to the combat and to give the Iraqis uniforms of various colors to shoot at.

3.  Iraq, by existing, was responsible for what happened on September 1, 2001.  Iraq is now  the "central front" in America's war on terrorism, because the light is better there than wherever Osama and Sadam are.

4.  We are "engaging the enemy where he lives" -- and since he can't afford plane fare to come where we live, this is mighty considerate of us.

5.  Bush never called us all into the tree house and said:
"Okay, we all know why we're here, right?  To fight Sadam Hussein, the bully.  That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it!  I can't promise you victory.  I can't promise you good times.  But the one thing I do know. . .[The country starts to leave] Whoa!  Whoa! I promise you victory!  I promise you good times! [The country cheers] 
That never happened.  Bush told us it was going to be tough all along, and so we can't blame him now that more Americans have been killed since an end to combat operations was declared than were killed during the actual war. 

6.  Terrorists only attack weak nations, like, um, Norway.  We need to show terrorists how tough we are, by invading various countries all over the globe  -- otherwise, they'll pick on us and steal our lunch money.

7.  "Not all of our friends agreed with our decision to remove Saddam Hussein from power --not to mention names or anything, but I mean the Krauts and the Frogs here.  But we cannot let past differences interfere with our present duties.  And when I say 'we,' I actually mean 'you,' of course.  Getting rid of evil doers in Iraq and Afghanistan will also help Japan, Saudi Arabia, and other countries with lots of money, so you'll be getting a bill in the mail.  No, you can't claim this war was unsolicited and then not pay for it, like you did with those CDs from Columbia House, or we will report you to a collection agency."

8.   "America has experience in occupying various nations worldwide.  Remember Japan and Germany?  Good times, good times.  So, in conclusion, let me read you a letter from a soldier stationed in Iraq who says,  'Mr. President,' he says, 'sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Mr. President, Sir, ' he says, 'but I'll know about it and I'll be happy.'  So, GOOOO TEAM!

9:47:09 PM    

UPDATE To Our Earlier Bill O’Reilly/Jennifer Lopez Announcement

Still attempting to capitalize on his rear-end resemblance to J-Lo, O’Reilly is riding the coattails of her recent "Jenny From The Block" CD with his own back-to-the hood project. Entitled "Billy From the Tract," it’s a spoken word album recalling his hardscrabble upbringing on the mean streets of Westbury, Long Island.

The CD is replete with profanity-laced tales of life inside a well-maintained, suburban home, and includes such chilling recollections as, "We didn’t get a color TV until 1961, a full TWO years after ‘Bonanza’ became the first television series to broadcast regularly in color," and, "While my homies roamed the housing tract, stealing lawn gnomes, and flinging chestnuts at squirrels, I was in a world of shit, since my grandparents had come to take me to the Westbury Music Fair." O’Reilly saves his biggest bombshell for the bonus track, however, where he completes his conversion into a Jennifer Lopez-like pop diva by demanding that from now on "all my peeps" refer to him exclusively as B-O.

We will keep you informed of any future developments, although we may have to "Become a Member of Bill's Posse" for $99.95 a month at in order to get all the details.

8:27:59 PM    

The Regrettable Food Project, Experiment #1:   
Things are Gelled That Man Was Not Meant to Gel

     Today was my Dad's 72nd birthday and in his honor I made that Sea Dream Salad that I promised you I would make as part of my gang initiation.  (You can go here to get the Sea Dream Salad recipe and see the photo we like to call "20 Million Miles to Jell-O":  August 26 .)

And here is a photo of the dish from page 50 of the book that explained sexuality to the average American in 1963, The Joy of Jell-O.
Disturbing, isn't it?

Being lazy, I modernized the recipe -- instead of grating the onion and the cucumber and then mixing them with the hot, dissolved Jell-O and sieving the whole mess, I just chopped the veggies and then frappeed them in the blender with 1/4 cup of the water, the vinegar, and the cayenne pepper.  I added this sludge to the sugar free Lime Jell-O I had nuked in the microwave with 1 cup of water, then poured the now cloudy green liquid into the copper gelatin mold I bought at the thrift store for just this purpose (how quickly the old ways pass -- the young clerk had to ask me what it was I was buying), and let it chill over night. 

And being lazy and cheap, instead of buying a pound of shrimp and then cooking and cleaning it, I just bought one of those cans of cocktail shrimp they sell by the tuna fish.  And instead of buying salad greens, I figured I just use more cucumbers, since the garden is bursting with them (and their various squash cousins) right now.

Today I loosened my masterpiece by dipping the mold in hot water while I went to let the cats outside.  This turned out to be too long, because when I unmolded it onto my glass cake stand, it was a melted puddle of Blob juice instead of the firm, round, perky green breast of Jell-O it was supposed to be.  I thought about putting it back in the mold and chilling it again, but by this time I didn't care, so I just dumped the can of shrimp in the center and arranged some cucumber slices around the edges. 

This is what it looked like:
Yes, definitely something to serve when your husband's boss comes over for dinner, or when you're hosting the bridge club.  Even so, I couldn't see bringing it to my Dad's rather depressing birthday party. 

However, I did use it to scare the cats.  Despite the fact that it was covered in seafood, the cats wanted no part of it.  I guess they could sense its hostility to Earth life forms.  And it was good for the cats to be reminded that they may not be the dominent species on the planet forever.

But how did it taste, you ask?  Well, um, okay, actually.  I've been a little queasy ever since I heard the news about Bill O'Reilly being JLo, so I wasn't sure I dared sample the disgusting-looking goop, but I did it, just for you, and discovered it was was pretty good (or maybe that's just the delirium talking).  I put some mayonnaise on the cucumbers, and the combination of tangy/sweet Jell-O, crunchy cukes, creamy mayonnaise, and mildly salty alleged shrimp was surprisingly satisfying.  I recommend you try a Jello recipe featuring meat, vegetables, and vinegar today!

Oh, and for those of you playing along at home, you can vote for the next dish prepared for The Regrettable Food Project!  Will it be "Stuffed Frankfurkers" from 1949's 500 Tasty Snacks (or 500 Tasty Snakes, as I typed the first time)?  Or will it be "Beef Pie Alamode," from 1958's Good Housekeeping's Casserole Book (as pictured on page 64 of the Lileks' classic we are basing this whole project on, The Gallery of Regrettable Food)?  Your votes will determine this (unless the Supreme Court just decides the matter), so indicate, via comment or email, what you want to see next.  And if you want some Sea Dream Salad, there's still plenty left in the fridge.

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