The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

September 6, by Scott

Super President to Karl Rove:
"Trim Your Bush!"
1960s-Era Superhero Sues White House over "DC 9/11: Time of Crisis"
--by  Wo'C Saturday Morning Correspondent, Scott C.

In the long annals of celebrity-on-celebrity litigation, from Vampira vs. Elvira to O’Reilly vs. Franken, to Haagen Daz vs. Frusen Gladje, there may be nothing to compare with the brute star power of the lawsuit filed this morning in New York.  Super President vs. Bush Administration, et al pits two of the most powerful combatants ever to meet in Federal Court: James Norcross, Former United States President and retired superhero, and George W. Bush, current chief executive and jumpsuit model.  The trigger for the suit was last night’s broadcast of the Showtime telefilm DC 9/11: A Time of Crisis.

"He’s stealing my positions," complained Norcross as he conducted several reporters on a tour of his Presidential Library. "Flying around the country fighting evil, dressing up in a costume, changing his molecular structure to granite or ozone—those are all issues associated with my administration."
The former President concedes that many young people may not remember his brief tenure in the White House, which lasted from 1967 to 1968, nor the widely beloved Super President Theme Song. with which he opened each press conference.
"His power was born in a cosmic storm!
Every molecule charged with might!
Power that enabled him to change his molecular structure to steel!
To granite!
Or whatever the need required.
The great desire to serve his country in the cause of justice has brought James Norcross to the highest office in the land…
As Super President!"
"And my campaign staff came up with that on their own," Norcross offered. "No focus groups. No filching from Bobby McFerrin, no co-opting Fleetwood Mac, no kissing the ass of Toby Keith or whoever the mullet-wearing, femme-Country flavor-of-the-month happens to be.  Plus, it neatly explained my origin and powers so I didn’t have to keep fielding questions from Helen Thomas about what I was or wasn’t going to turn into."
The former chief executive has largely shunned the limelight since vacating the Oval Office, and the secret Bat Cave-like headquarters beneath it where he stored his costume, jet belt, and flying Omnicar.

"Mostly I devote time to my memoirs, although I give the occasional speech to a think tank or NGO. Occasionally I’ll come out for one of Jimmy Carter’s Habit for Humanity home-raisings, and twice a year I fly down to Guatemala and save the natives from lava monsters."

But when a leaked copy of the CD 9/11: A Time of Crisis script reached Norcross, he realized that the current administration seemed poised to trespass on his legacy.  "Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery," the former President fumed, "But this stops just short of the kind of identity theft Matt Damon practiced in The Talented Mr. Ripley."

President Norcross picked up a grease pencil and quickly sketched the basics of his case on a whiteboard.  "Just look at the record: I wear a patriotic costume and can fly; President Bush puts on a flight suit and has himself flown onto an aircraft carrier.  I can change my molecular structure from steel to granite to water to electromagnetism; he can change his rationale for invading Iraq from 9/11 to WMDs to humanitarian relief to "terrorist flypaper." I saved ‘The Billion Dollar Bomber’; he pisses away a billion dollars a week on his ineffectual occupation."

While Norcross clearly feels passionately about the substance of his case, it seems apparent that there is an element of personal animosity in his criticism of President Bush.  "I’ve got super powers! A secret identity! And a futuristic car that’s both an airplane and a submarine! But do I get an action figure? No! I don’t even get a Big Little Book, or a cameo appearance in a Hostess Fruit Pie ad! How does that smirking homunculus rate?"

But Super President Norcross reserves his harshest words for the recent TV movie purporting to tell the story of Bush’s actions on September 11, 2001.  "That whole thing, it was taken word for word from the first volume of my memoirs. All that tough talk about "earning our pay" and drawing a line in the sand against terrorism? That’s straight out of battle with Zangar, Emperor of the Crab Nebula. And let’s be frank, who would you rather face in a bareknuckle, no-holds-barred fight?
              This guy?                                             Or this guy?

"And that whole ‘Cheney Myth’ thing is obviously patterned on the so-called ‘Sayles Myth’ that we were forced to deal with ad nauseum."
Students of presidential politics will recall Jerry Sayles, the portly, pipe-smoking, professorial advisor to the president who became a lightning rod for criticism in the first hundred days of the Norcross Administration. "The Wall Street Journal editorial page was merciless. They’d complain about my letting Jerry drive the Omnicar, then ask, ‘Who’s really in the driver’s seat at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?’"

While some conservative pundits have accused Norcross of seeking to steal a bit of glory from a popular wartime president, the former chief executive insists that his primary concern is for posterity.

"This lawsuit is about truth. It’s about setting the record straight for the benefit of this and future generations.  But ultimately, I feel my legacy is secure.  Especially compared to George W. Bush.  He bullied and squashed a tenth rate tinpot dictator weakened by a decade of sanctions.  I fought The Great Vegetable Disintegrator.  The Cosmic Gladiators.  The Earth Robber.  And you know what?  After I faced the Menace of the Moles, I didn’t fly onto the deck of an aircraft carrier and scream ‘Mission Accomplished!’  I snuck back into the White House through my secret entrance, changed into a suit, and signed a bill fully funding legal aid for indigent defendants."

Despite the former president’s sanguine attitude, his opponent is capable of marshalling formidable legal resources of his own, as the battle over Florida’s electoral votes revealed.  Norcross himself received a taste of what he can expect when he delivered a subpoena to Dick Cheney.

 "He was in a secure, undisclosed location," Norcross said. "So I had to change my molecular structure into a form of high energy X-rays so I could enter his bunker.  Now, as Super President, not much as ever really scared me.  Unfortunately, I found Dick sitting in front of an episode of COPS, wearing a wife-beater and a pair of tighty-whities with serious elastic fatigue."
 Super President Confronts Dick Cheney’s Sagging BVDs

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