The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Pantload For A Day!

Roger Ailes (The Non-Evil One) pointed out the other day that the release date of Jonah Goldberg’s hotly anticipated book, Liberal Fascism, has receded so far into the future that it’s now being edited by a Morlock. At the same time, Wo’C reader Kathy suggested that we stage another of our lame contests as a way to avoid coming up with any original content, and the thought occurred to me: Why not marshal the power of the blogosphere, and write Jonah’s book for him?

But before we can stage this literary barn-raising, we should probably acquaint ourselves with the subject and style of Jonah’s magnum opus, so that we can do justice to its groundbreaking scholarship, and sober, yet striking cover art:

Unfortunately, Jonah has been as cagey about the contents of his book as the Office of the Vice President has been about the actual number of people Dick Cheney has shot in the face while staggering around various game ranches, cranked to a frenzy on a cocktail of digitalis and Rumple Minze.

Fortunately, Jonah was moved to reveal certain, peekaboo details, when Tim Noah at Slate threw a little chin music his way. Unfortunately, Jonah was evidently in a Star Trekian mood at the time, channeling Captain Kirk from the “Immunity Syndrome” episode of The Original Series. (When Spock is unable to adequately classify a giant menacing space amoeba, Kirk rejoins, “If you can’t tell me what it is, let’s use reverse logic — Perhaps it’ll help if you tell me what it isn’t.“) And that’s exactly how Jonah describes his forthcoming (or, more accurately, eighthcoming) tome:
My book isn’t like Dinesh’s latest book. It isn’t like any Ann Coulter book. It isn’t what the Amazon description says or what the Economist claims it is. Or what Frank Rich imagines it is. It is a very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care.
And just to underscore what ruthless charlatans his publishers are, here’s the bottle of snake oil they’re trying to palm off as Jonah’s book:
Since the rise and fall of the Nazis in the midtwentieth century, fascism has been seen as an extreme right-wing phenomenon. Liberals have kept that assumption alive, hurling accusations of fascism at their conservative opponents. LIBERAL FASCISM offers a startling new perspective on the theories and practices that define fascist politics.
Replacing conveniently manufactured myths with surprising and enlightening research, Jonah Goldberg shows that the original fascists were really on the Left and that liberals, from Woodrow Wilson to FDR to Hillary Clinton, have advocated policies and principles remarkably similar to those of Hitler’s National Socialism.
Goldberg draws striking parallels between historic fascism and contemporary liberal doctrines. He argues that “political correctness” on campuses and calls for campaign finance reform echo the Nazis’ suppression of free speech; and that liberals, like their fascist forebears, dismiss the democratic process when it yields results they dislike, insist on the centralization of economic decision-making, and seek to insert the authority of the state in our private lives–from bans on smoking to gun control. Covering such hot issues as morality, anti-Semitism, science versus religion, health care, and cultural values, he boldly illustrates the resemblances between the opinions advanced by Hitler and Mussolini and the current views of the Left.
Impeccably researched and persuasively argued, LIBERAL FASCISM will elicit howls of indignation from the liberal establishment–and rousing cheers from the Right.
So. Whatever you write, make sure it doesn’t contain any of that stuff.

So here’s the deal. Write a page of Jonah’s book and post it in the comments. The first page, the last page — whatever you prefer. And remember, he probably triple spaces, so it doesn’t have to be the length of an actual page. Just make sure that it’s serious, thoughtful, detailed, and caring. And that you outsource all the research to your readers.

Good luck to all. The winner will receive their choice of a copy of Better Living Through Bad Movies, or a World O’ Crap mug. Go forth and procrastinate.

[from the Introduction]
. . . question I get the most after “Do you still have a book coming out?” is “Doesn’t your book violate Godwin’s Law?” This is an excellent question, so I posed it to my readers at The Corner: “What is Godwin’s Law?”
…Carl Schmitt’s The Concept of the Political [footnote 1123] was to Nazi Germany what the monorail episode of The Simpsons [fn 1124] was to my adolescence: a theory I didn’t quite understand but that made me chortle even when I was sitting alone, in my room, at night, with a flashlight, under the covers, looking at my drawing of Troy McClure [fn 1125] on the cover of my Trapper Keeper [fn 1126]. Or maybe it wasn’t like the monorail episode at all. Maybe it was like “Time and Punishment” from Treehouse of Horror V [fn 1127]. Yeah, that’s it. Homer goes back in time and keeps screwing up the future except for this one time when everything seems to be perfect but it turns out that no one has heard of donuts [fn 1128]. Homer’s crushed, but what he doesn’t know is that in this alternative universe donuts now fall from the sky [fn 1129]. It’s better than perfect! Ironic.[fn 1130] Anyway, Schmitt argued that parliamentary democracy was bound to be paralyzed by opposing interest groups lobbying the state for handouts [fn 1131], and he and Hitler and Hitlery Clinton [tm] all seem to think that’s just horrible. You see, they all want the government to be able to get things done [fn 1132]. But legislative paralysis isn’t horrible at all. It’s donuts from the sky, man [fn 1133]. The parliamentary logjam [fn 1134] is exactly what we need to keep the fascists at bay [fn 1135]. The real threat comes from a united [fn 1136] government; that’s just a hop-skip-and-a-jump [fn 1137] away from a fascist nanny state [fn 1138]. (Unless the Republicans are the ones uniting it. We can trust them not to overstep the proper bounds of state power. They promise. [fn 1139])
1123: Schmitt, Carl, The Concept of the Political, pub info TK.
1124: The Simpson’s archive
1125: Ibid.
1126: A remarkably useful product produced by pulp and paper producer Mead from the years TK to TK. MeadWestvaco was formed in January 2002 as the result of a merger between Mead Paper of Dayton, Ohio, and Westvaco (originally the Piedmont Pulp and Paper Company and then The West Virginia Paper Company). The original Westvaco Plant was sold with its Paper business coated paper operations to investment firm Cerberus Capital Management for about $2.3 billion. The new company is called NewPage Corporation.
The company owns large tracts of land in northern Greenbrier County, West Virginia. The company is relatively lenient regarding recreational land use by private citizens, including hunting, fishing, and the digging of ramps, and unimproved roads can be used to access the area from Anjean and Richwood. Westvaco, however, does not tolerate destruction of property or the use of ATVs. [Note to staff: can we paraphrase this Wikipedia entry without citing it? I don’t want to hurt my quality researching cred.]
1127:, as above.
1128: The use of the colloquial spelling “donut” in no way implies an endorsement of Dunkin Donuts. I fucking hate those liberal bastards with their totally gay “Boston Cream” donut without even a fucking hole in it. Massachusetts liberals.
1129: Just to interject: that would be fucking awesome! And if it snowed cheetos…
1130: This is really ironic, not like those bullshit non-ironic things in that Alanis Morriset [SP? Staff, get on this.] song. Also, this note is totally prosopopoeia up in your face!
1131: Schmitt, op. cit. p. TK.
1132: This fascist idea is also totally queer. Cf. Bowie, David: “Some times I want to go out./Some times I want to stay in./And get things done,” “Modern Love.”
1133: “Man” here is not used in that bullshit liberal sarcastic way, but in a truly heartfelt way…………….Psych!
1134: The use of the term “logjam” in no way implies that political stalemate is gay.
1135: Cf. Reagan, Ronald, “On the nature and purposes of divided government.” Also, find some Leo Strauss for me, ’kay?
1136: No reference to the British soccer team is implied. Citizen of the world, yo! Ha, just kidding.
1137: See? Fascists: totally gay. See also chapter 4 of this book, “On the nature and purposes of Hitlerian rhetoric,” for an analysis of Hitler’s very gay hands-on-hips speaking style and comparisons with liberal icons.
1138: I’d like to thank my mother for all she’s done for me over the years.
1139: See Norquist, Grover, “On the nature and purposes of limited government” Cherokee National Enquirer, June 2003.
Oh, I can’t possibly top those. One problem: you guys both still sound smarter than Jonah Who Swallowed The Whale.
Well, I coulda been a contender, I coulda been somebody – but Matthew got here first and I’m completely outa this game…..
Maybe I need me some of that Rumple Minze, whatever the hell that is!
“…Since the rise and fall of the Nazis in the midtwentieth century, fascism has been seen as an extreme right-wing phenomenon…”
Not only that, but it was the subject of an episode of Star Trek’s episode The Omega Glory.
Oops for the above sentence structure. Well, you get the idea. The bottom line is that Gene Roddenberry has even more to apologize for than cooking up ST-TNG.
(from the Introduction, page 3)

and this was soon confirmed; They Saved Hitler’s Brain is not a documentary, and was not directed by Leni Riefenstahl, unless there was another film with the same name. But if there is I couldn’t find it.

Still I felt my three weeks of research had not been totally wasted. For one thing, even though the film was made in 1963, it was in black and white. This seems somewhat late to me. I clearly remembered watching Forbidden Planet in color, and that was made sometime in the Fifties. It’s possible I’d seen a colorized version, but it’s equally possible that by the Sixties, with Liberal dystopia Sturm and Drang everywhere, filmmakers had actually gone back to black and white, because that was the way Liberal ideology said they were “supposed” to see the world. Modern technology, like color film, wasn’t “environmentally correct”. McCarthyism was “bad”. Hollywood Communists, who had been making openly pro-Soviet movies as recently as 1945, were “good”. It’s also possible that race played some part in this. Hollywood frequently condescended to African-Americans, openly promoting “tolerance” and giving Sidney Pottier an Oscar while subtly telling them that Black and White would always remain separate. This is probably a subject for my next book, and if you have any ideas about it feel free to send them in.

More importantly, even if the Nazis hadn’t really tried to save Hitler’s brain, the idea was believable enough at the time to be the subject of a movie. This has to count for something. So I wasn’t entirely ready to dismiss the Nazi cloners=Liberal stem cell research idea. But now my research would be much more complicated and time consuming, and would probably involve books. However, I felt that no price was too great in pursuit of such an original idea.

Fate would intervene though, in the form of a weekend Sci-Fi channel Star Trek marathon. I happened to catch Episode 52, “Patterns of Force”, where Kirk’s old Academy professor John Gill brings Nazism to the Ekosians. And Gill had done this, not as some scary right-wing “ideologue”, but as a caring Liberal using social engineering to “improve” the lives of his inferiors. What irony! This is exactly what
Dammit. Matthew has set the f’ing bar too high, first post outta the gate. Footnote excellence!
Hey! Now it’s a contest! Wheeee!
[...] Liberals have kept that assumption alive, hurling accusations of fascism at their conservative opponents. LIBERAL FASCISM offers a startling new perspective on the theories and practices that define fascist politics. … – More – [...]
Once Upon a Time~
Hitler Hitlar Hillar Hillary.
The end.
Chapter 12:
Abort Face! Forward, HO!
Once again, as we consider the sixties and seventies (the NINETEEN sixties and seventies), signs and portents of the Liberals fascist bent are everywhere. Consider, for example, the horrific death-camp mentality they have developed around the precious life of unborn children and blastocytes. Certainly, they hide it under a certain laissez-faire approach to personal privacy, but can these millions of savage murders really be considered as something separate and appart from Goebbel’s “Final Solution”?
Now, in that light, let’s consider another area in which the Liberals deal with clearly moral issues with an entirely unhinged, godless fascism. Yes, I’m speaking here to the age-old problem of prostitution. How can liberals call prostitution a “victimless crime” when the very act itself results in a sex act that can lead to pregnancy, which of course would create another victim for the Liberal machinery of death.
So we see the Liberals, deploying their depraved army of prostitutes and abortion doctors, marching roughshod in jackboots across the landscape of christian america, and when these felons can be brought to justice, what do the Liberals do then? They oppose the death penalty. And what could be more fascist than tha
Chapter 12:
The true meaning of “Pelosi”
[From The Prologue]
It took almost all of my mom’s life savings, but I was able to secure an infinite number of monkeys and taught them how to punch computer keys and how to spell words like “liberal” and “fascist”.
They’re really cool monkeys, too, although sometimes the bonobos engage in penis-fencing, which mom doesn’t like so she makes them wear diapers.
OK. So. This is my book OK? I hope you like it.
From the introduction:
“It ain’t the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect!”
From Chapter 5. Liberal Fascism in Comparative Perspective
is a good and healthy debate. But what is beyond question, at least for informed, rational, and principled people, is the irrefutable imbalance, indeed incomparability, between the long-term, institutionalized repression embraced by liberal fascist regimes and the surgical, short-term, and passing deployment of strong-armed measures by transitionally non-democratic conservative governments. When it comes to the dispatching of souls and crushing of wills, the latter pales when placed side by side with the former. For reasons of space and time we can only make passing mention of the most egregious examples of liberal fascism’s efforts to purge the body politique—these are, of course, liberal fascist Germany under Hitler and liberal socialist fascism in the Soviet Union under Stalin. Instead, I want to look at two cases closer to home, Cuba and Chile. On the one hand, under Castro murder, torture, and intimidation have been institutionalized. They are integral parts of his fascist regime. On the other hand, Pinochet took decisive steps to prevent such a regime from being established in Chile, as this was what Allende sought to impose. Pinochet’s temporary restriction of a limited suite of civil liberties saved that country from fascism. This is beyond dispute. When Pinochet had determined that threat had passed, he lifted these stopgap measures and guided Chile back to democracy. Jeane Kirkpatrick understood this well. And it should be clear to any reasonable, honest observer
Damn y’all, Doghouse & Matthew!
How in the hell is anybody supposed to compete with that?!?!??!
To that most fascist librul of them all, Captain Kangaroo, who never once answered my fan letters, further proving that liberals are unfeeling nazi bastards who don’t care what brilliant children have to offer in way of plot suggestions for their lame-ass old-fogey shows. I still think that Mister Green-Jeans would’ve been much happier and not hung himself if the Captain had used my idea about doing the Pledge Of Allegiance and Salutes To Good Republican Presidents every day.
To the mean left-wing brunette girl in kindergarten who said that I was a poopy-head, well, here’s proof that I’m somebody and you’re not, you mean tree-hugging probably-a-lesbian girl. I bet that you’d KILL to go out with a successful arthur, wouldn’t you. Too bad, so sad.
To all of the english teachers who said that I couldn’t write my way out of a paper bag — at least MY book doesn’t have to be DELIVERED in a plain brown wrapper, you pornography-loving perverts! (And I only know that porn is delivered in plain brown wrappers because I’ve sto– SEEN my filthy neighbor’s Blue Boy magazines when that well-built, long-legged mailman delivers them!)
And most of all, to my Mommy, who said that I’d never amount to anything more than a giant gelatinous cunt-fart, well, look at me now, Mommy! I told you that the vanity press would TOO accept my book! And it only took an additional two payments to get them to push the publication date back another year! Nyeh-nyeh-nah-nyeh-nyeh!
(1% of this book’s proceeds will go to support the Jonah Goldberg Memorial Home For Wayward Hookers Who Want To Become Good Blonde Christian Housewives To Up-And-Coming Writers.)
This book is not at all what anyone thought it was going to be, like I’ve been saying and nobody has been believing. This book has morphed into a chronicle of my sessions with my free-association therapist. He says it’s all right to free associate. Here I thought that we were all supposed to only associate with those of our ‘own kind’. Well, he says that’s not exactly what free association means, but I suspect he’s a liberal. However, he costs my mom $200 an hour so he must be a good therapist. Anyhoo, he is teaching me to write the way I think. And this book is to show that not only am I a man of war, you know, like that race horse, Man O’War, he didn’t win the triple crown, but he was a hell of a race horse, good breeding, like me… where was I? Oh, yeah, I’m a man of War and Peace. I can say that because that Russian guy Toy Story is dead and can’t sue me and my mom for using the name of his alleged to be good book (we know the only good book is the Bible, Old Testament, but I digress)and plagiarism is only bad when it can be proven.
So, anyway, here’s my book. Hope you enjoy it, and I hope you paid the full $19.95 for it, because if the cover was ripped off I’m getting ripped off.
I’d say 10 more beefy posts tarted up with some unflattering pix of the top 10 menacing libs in history and we’re got us a coffee table edition! Perfect for the ceegar bar warblogger conferences and Maw Luciane’s salon.
TO: J. Goldberg
FROM: Ivana Daddifigger, Intern
RE: Liberal Fascism – Chapter 2
Date: 03-28-07
Mr. Goldberg:
For two weeks I’ve been looking for the BW3 napkin with your synopsis of episode 27 of Battlestar Galactica and how it reflects on the castrating nature of the modern feminazi. You said it was among the empty pizza boxes by your playstation, but I’ve yet to find it.
As per your request, I removed any extra cheese from the boxes and left it on a paper plate by the bed.
Despite my best efforts, I was unable to locate any manufacturer of men’s denim “blue jean” pants with elastic waistbands. My best suggestion is to have something custom tailored, or perhaps choose from one of the woman’s varieties.
Please note, I scanned and alphabetized the co-ed photos from the 1991 Goucher Quindecim as you asked. Regarding the “captions” you want added, I believe this is a matter better handled by you alone.
Speaking of which, I feel I must protest that some of the requests you have made have gone far beyond our original agreement regarding my position. My understanding was I would help edit the first draft of your book. I fail to see how programming your tivo and going to the 7-Eleven for aerosol cheese fulfills this goal.
You told me this position would let me meet famous conservatives and network with powerful government officials. So far, the closest I’ve gotten to a powerful conservative is cleaning up the unfortunate mishap with William Buckley’s colostomy bag outside the Club for Growth elephant ear trailer.
I did not dedicate seven years to a bachelor degree at Regent University to be spending time removing Taco Bell Fire Sauce stains from your Star Wars sheet and pillowcase set.
Please contact me at your earliest convenience so we can discuss this further. Also please note the answering machine is full of messages again from Lucianne (or as you insist I call her, the Gorgon).
Yours truly,
I. Daddifigger
You’re not going to make us choose between these, are ya, Scott? ‘Cause I couldn’t do it. I know! Let’s get Jonah to Celebrity Guest Judge!
It’s nothing but projecting on the enemy. Last time I remembered, the neo-cons were behind the patriot act. It was the liberal 60′s and 70′s that fought for the rights of everyone who didn’t fit the straight, non-disabled upper class WASP ideal.
“the Jonah Goldberg MEMORIAL Home”?
Is there some way we could speed up the process that’d make that accurate? I’m still baffled as to why his mother didn’t smother him in his sleep when she had the chance.
Perhaps she needs the blood of a halfwit to stay alive, and he’s the only one who’ll allow her to touch him.
From Chapter 8: The Fascism of Liberal Economics, page 17
…but JPod still hasn’t returned my copy of the “The Road to Serfdom”. I did find this cool on-line version called “The Road to Serfdom In Cartoons” that came from an old GM pamphlet. I think it would be really cool if someone would update that using Simpsons characters. Wouldn’t that be awesome? If there are any readers out there who are more Photoshop savvy than I am and would be interested in putting something like this together, email me and let’s get it going so I can include it in the second edition of this book. I think that would be far cooler than the long quote from Ayn Rand that I’m about to put in instead…
Bill, can’t a woman DREAM?!?!??!
Sure, I’ve got suggestions, but I was hoping that the concept would somehow incite somebody to come up with something original that would actually HAPPEN…
My entry’s kinda long, so I have to blogwhore it:
An Amazing Sneak Preview…
Page 37, in its entirety:
Chapter 6: Fascist Liberalism and the Labor Movement of the 1930′s
[2nd Edition Bleg: I've got a lot of stuff on this I got from Wikipedia and my mom's letters from W.F. B. and Pod Senior that I didn't get around to in time to meet the really tough deadline for this edition. So I need an intern who can organize these documents and research this a bit more for the next edition of LF set for the Fall of 2019. I can't offer more than bus fare and a pantry full of lil' debbie cakes but if you have dreams of being the next K-Lo then email me.]
He might be indestructable though. (Scary thought!) I mean, if he came in contact with Lucienne’s vagina and didn’t instantly dissolve, or get decapitated from the metal spikes it’s lined with…
Chapter 1:
The Temptation of the Clinton
“I want camps,” she said, a hint of impatience in her voice.
Her husband, then the President of the United States, felt a familiar, uneasy pall come over him.
“Camps? For smokers?”
“Yes. Nothing special, just your run-of-the-mill camps spread out throughout the country. It would be best to put them in remote places so people don’t complain about the smell.”
“Smell? Of what, their cigarettes?” her husband asked, now feeling sick to his stomach.
“From the ovens.”
With her words hanging ominously in the air, like the satisfying smoke from a Kool, the President of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton fainted from shock, falling harmlessly onto their pet cat, Socks.
The passage above is how I imagine the temptation starts. Enthralled by the nearly infinite power of leadership — hardened by years of liberal dogma rigidly enforced by everyone from campaign consultants to university professors — little drips of authoritarianism turn into a torrent of totalitarian desires. Where it starts as a public health issue, it ends in genocide.
While I made up the literal conversation, I think its instructive of the liberal mindset as temptation turns into what I like to call “liberal fascism”, a slightly heterodox notion, but one with a history stretching from Il Duce to, I’m pretty sure, the Dutch to, finally, universal health care.
I’ll bet anyone reading this a cool $100 I’m right about Liberal Fascism and Hillary Clinton’s desire to set up anti-smoking camps across the country. If, by the end of the book, I (or my researchers) don’t adequately make my case, I’ll send you $100.
This week: Liberals are really fascists.
Next week: Britney Spears is really Captain Beefheart.
if he came in contact with Lucienne’s vagina and didn’t instantly dissolve, or get decapitated from the metal spikes it’s lined with…
Bill, the spikes slant downward: do not back up, severe penis damage.
And wow–these excerpts are inspiring. I will run out and buy this book RIGHT NO–er…as soon as it’s written.
Chapter 3
It was a Wednesday afternoon, a hot and sultry kind of day, a kind of day that I would spend sitting in front of my computer, feet perched on the end of the table, arms outstretched behind my head, enjoying the cool dampness of my seedy basement office. A day like this was meant for those poor schlubs who were off to their their Wall-Mart jobs to restock the Cheetos display, tired and overworked, grudgingly stacking each bag perfectly so that I, Jonah, could amble lightly up the aisle and with one swoop, ruin their industrious busywork with my insatiable appetite for cheese-covered, stick-shaped corn snacks. While I was busy enjoying my reverie, a knock suddenly came from the door.
“Mom?” I inquired, while I gracefully swept my feet from the desk and lowered my arms. Some women – my mother included – did not understand the fine subtleties of a man at work on his book. I heard another knock in reply. Puzzled, I stood up and walked over to the door, slowly opening it to an inch, lest the creature at my door turn out be an bomb-wielding Islamofacist.
“Mr. Goldberg?” a small female voice replied. I looked at her through the crack. “Yes?” I replied, wondering if the Islamofacists were so clever as to lure me out of my office using the guise of a pretty woman. And pretty, she was. Tall, with long cornsilk hair, blue shining eyes and legs a mile long. She could stop clocks and traffic. My eyes greedily took in her beauty.
“Mr. Goldberg, I heard that you were writing a book about the-” and here she lowered her voice to a whisper, eyes darting around in fear, “-liberal facists. I…I may have some information for you. You see, I used to work for the GILDF.”
“GILDF?” I asked.
“Yes, the Grand Islam-Loving Democratic Facists.”
I swung the door wide open. “Well, Miss…I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”
“Ms. Lovely.”
“Ms. Lovely, welcome to my humble office,” I said as I swept papers off of a chair. “You can sit here.” She sat down very tentatively, slowly crossing her luscious legs, one beautiful thigh over another. “Now, what information do you have for me?”
“I…I…Is it safe to talk here?” she asked.
“Yes, I can assure you, it is safe to talk here.”
“Well, I…I hope you understand Mr. Goldberg-”
“Jonah, please.”
“Well, Jonah…I have been working with GILDF. They’re an underground group that runs the Democratic Party. They’re very influential. I…I am in danger by coming to you, but I feel I must expose their plans.”
“Their plans?”
“Oh, yes. They have many, many operatives working on many, many plans: Abortion mills, Conservative Death Camps, Inner City Slave Houses, Feminazi and Homosexuality Curricula…and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
Wow, I thought. I knew that the liebrals were bad, but I had no idea that they would stoop so low. “Go on,” I said.
“Well, I think the last straw was that they wanted social security to go bankrupt. They want the elderly to die so that…that…oh, no, it’s too horrible!” Tears streamed down her cheeks. I handed her a tissue. “No, I have to do this. They want the elderly for compost! There! I said it. Oh, Mr-er, Jonah, you’ve just got to stop them!!” She leaned over, exposing a mere glint of her perfect ladypillows.
“Ms. Lovely, you obviously risked your life to come here. But do you have any proof this?”
She smiled a half-smile, just an upturned corner of her mouth. Silently, she reached into her bag and pulled out several manila envelopes. “Here is some proof. I do have more,” she said as she handed them to me, more of her beautiful bosom glistening in the light of the bulb. I opened the top one.
As I pulled out a paper, a low whistle escaped my lips. “I don’t believe it!” I exclaimed, for I, Jonah Goldberg, was holding in my hand a signed memo from the Head Nazi herself, Hilary Clinton, ordering the execution of Vince Foster. This was my lucky day, delivered at the hands of a beautiful female….
uh, sorry, that was longer than i thought…
Sporkey, I was kind of getting into that. What’s going to happen to the evidence, will the dog eat it? Will Jonah lose his virginity? Will Mommy Dearest walk in on them?
I’m also thinking that there needs to be a giant Al Gorebot that shoots laser beams from his eyes in the book, too.
Yes, and teh Gorebot only wants the world to go green so that he can hog all the energy to himself. A robot of that caliber takes a LOT of juice… he probably has a secret coal-fired power plant in his basement.
Bill, you always paint the LOVELIEST pictures in my head… but what’s sad is, they’re probably STILL too gentle to describe what it’s like to descend from the veritable hellmouth that is Lucienne…
And Dorothy, hon, trust me, if there’s ANYTHING that we don’t have to worry about, it’s Bill’s penis being in the same AREA CODE as the dark, dank, horrifying fifth-dimension toxic-waste-dump known as Lucienne’s cunt (and yes, that is an oxymoron).
this book is dedicated to my wonderful mother, Lucianne, without whom I would be slaving away as a mere commenter at LGF, but still undoubtedly consuming as many Cheesy-Poofs and Mountain Dew Red Storms.
and my dad, Sidney, without whom the sperm magic never would have happened.
I’d also like to dedicate this tome to my parents upcoming 37th wedding anniversary, joyful in the knowledge that they resisted temptation in that libidinous liberal “Summer of Love” of 1968 until they were happily married to concieve me. I just wish more people would embrace teh abstinence thrust upon them as I and so many of my colleagues have for lo so many years. While this work is not dedicated to them with as high regard as my progenitors, they do know the slings and arrows of liebral mockery for our lack of social skills, even unto our basic comprehensions of simple mathematics and grammer.
I can’t compete with those entries but I do know that one of his citations will be to Jello Biafra’s seminal work “California Uber Alles”. sorry, I don’t know how to do the umlates or whatever the two dots are called.
Well, Annti, it’s a good thing you didn’t read my description of what Midge Dector’s vagina must be like. I actually managed to totally gross Marq out with it. :)
font size test
Britisher -
Pass or fail?
It’s not the SIZE of the font that matters. :)
Cripes! Matthew Garth indeed set a technical high bar right out of the gate. Doghouse I think gets points on style.
And Sporkey has an entertaining approach.
But I’m not really qualified to judge…to paraphrase Lorita Doan in her letter to her staff before incompetently testifying, Jonah Goldberg’s bloviatings are “truly the dog-poo beneath my shoe” which I frantically scrape off without looking at it, even if trodden on whilst walking a familar and friendly boulevard like W o’ C.
Hence I couldn’t manage the totality of style (the combination of Star Trek references,intellectual Tourette’s Syndrome and the supposed relevance of the opinions of Goldberg’s best friends) that this competition and our World O’ Crap hosts ( and readers)really deserve and expect. So I apologize for being essentially as clueless Goldberg himself.
Therefore in my entry I took my cue from Matthew Garth and my gut and just like Jonah himself I wrote whatever made sense to me–that has to count for bonus points,right?
But should my following entry prove to be somehow victorious (Garth gets my vote thus far) in this fierce competition, I’d ask that Scott instead present what would be my deserved prize to a devoted, randomly selected commenter,thus fittingly paralleling Jonah Goldberg’s random arguments.
(In the interests of full disclosure I already have a WOC mug–which can deliver up to 16 oz of coffee-spit before being refilled–AND a WOC T-Shirt, which has so far permanently absorbed at least 8 ozs of coffee spit–I recommend them both).
So here’s my effort:
Liberal Fascism–Chapter 2
Now that I, Jonah Goldberg, have established by bona fides as a caring researcher of impeccable argument in the previous chapter[54.bis], my caring research [55] reveals that the term “Nazi” [56] is in fact a contraction of National Socialist [57], a telling detail purposely ignored by students [58] of history [59] (a “liberal art”) who just happened to be the first to use Hitler’s Volkswagen Beetle as their vehicle of choice.
Just like today’s liberals [60], Hitler [61] hated seeing Weimar Republicans walking around with wheelbarrows full of cash to which he himself felt entitled without actually working.
So just like a typical liberal he bribed the unemployed [62]to vote for him by promising them jobs and a minimum wage [63]—an election technique that the no-new-ideas ‘Democrats’ use to this day.
Not only was Hitler against big business [64] he was against small businesses [65] too. Once in office he nationalized industry, gave government jobs to all his cronies and ordered his supporters to smash the windows of “Mutti-und-Vater” stores everywhere.
Drunk with power[66] he then began to spend the $100-million Deutschmark banknotes he’d seized from business-owners and spent them all on building roads and hydro-electric dams and other public works, putting the entire country on welfare —where do you think FDR got the idea for his ‘New Deal’ from?

Any right-thinking person would find these facts alone to be evidence enough that Hitler was a liberal but just like a Democrat run government this story gets even bigger.
Like all liberals, Hitler was a vegetarian. He replaced the teaching of Christianity in schools with science [67], just like the liberals are trying to do today. Science of course led to weapons of mass destruction like the V-2 and Zyklon-B gas and synthetic fuels—all liberal inventions that made Germany lose the war. [68]
Having banned God from schools [69], Hitler created state-financed housing and guaranteed jobs for everyone (even illegal immigrants who had invaded greater Germany by not getting out of the way) too lazy to start their own businesses—just like the liberals plan to do today.
Hitler, like Nancy Pelosi today insisted on micromanaging [70] the war.
When his generals advised against opening a second front with Russia he ignored them, just like the liberals are ignoring the President’s generals in charge of Iraq, on the ground in CentCom, Florida, USA.
And just like Bill Clinton, Hitler gutted the German military by refusing to build a long range bomber fleet because he was getting blow-jobs from Eva Braun which prevented him from attacking the US which at the time couldn’t was ill equipped to defend itself from Nazi-liberal threats because Eva Braun was giving blow jobs to Bill Clinton [71].
In Chapter 3 you you’ll discover how liberals like Woodrow Wilson lost what would have been several successful wars by not wanting to have them because Wilson was a pussy, how FDR purposely extended WWII by secretly nationalizing the war effort (instead of letting more efficient private industry get the job done” in…”no more than six months”) and how Hillary Clinton advocates policies and principles remarkably similar to those of Hitler’s National Socialism—like forced abortions, experimenting on children (hello-o! Stem cells are children too!), and handing over our nation’s security to Cadillac driving welfare-mothers by de-privatizing the defense industry. [72]
[54]Liberal Fascim by Jonah Goldberg–Any Day Now Press.
[55] Cut and Paste Your Way to Republican Riches–Regnery Press
[56] Reader’s Digest Word Power Dictionary—Na{h}zi. n.–a liberal
[57] Conservapedia—Socialist: Socialist parties are extremely common in Europe, even Tony Blair belongs to a socialist party
[58] Cartman, South Park–Damn hippies!
[59] Conservapedia—History: 3500 B.C. began with copper tools, then 2500 B.C. superior bronze tools, then 1200 B.C. superior iron tools
[60] Nazis—see [56]
[61] a liberal—see [60], [56]
[62 ] i.e, Democrats–Rush Limbaugh; “unhinged vitriolic bloggers”—Deborah Howell, Washington Post
[63] “…an invisible tax on those who provide the jobs the poor are always complaining about”—The Conservative Burden, Forbes Publications.
[64] “…the companies that the liberal poor are too stupid to invest in to keep the US economy strong”-Neil Cavuto; Common Sense
[65] “…the companies that the liberal poor are too stupid to work for that keep the US economy strong “—Neil Cavuto; Common Sense
[66] Nancy Pelosi
[67] “ unproven theory of stuff designed to install a radical lunatic called Al Gore in the White House”—Senator James Inhofe, (R-Right Dakota)
[68] How Science Made Germany Lose the War —Senator James Inhofe, (R-Right Dakota
[69] How Banning God from School Makes You Lose Wars—James Dobson, FRC Press
[70] Micro-Management Is What I Say It Is; You Don’t Get To Take A Shit Without My Personal Say-So, Are You Listening George?–A Personal Memoir by Turd Blossom.
[71] I, Of All People, Should Know A Cunt When I See One—Ann Coulter, Truck Stop Quickie Press.
[72] Liberal Fascism by Jonah Goldberg—WalMart Publications
Yeah, but Bill, we both know that when it comes to teh gross-out, Marq is a veritable lightweight.
He’s never been to Chuck E. Cheese with me, you & Ted, much less Yosef, has he.
First draft of “Liberal Fascism: The Totalitarian Temptation From Mussolini to Hillary Clinton:”
No, you’re the jerk. The End.
Chapter Two
The Who’s Who Of Freedom Fighters
Ann Althouse – Liberals are always making fun of her[1] and making her look drunk on her vlogs[2].
Ann Coulter – Liberals are so jealous of her good looks[3] they are always wishing that Timothy McVeigh had bombed her house instead of the Federal Building[4].
Ann Rand (Note: spelling?)
She writes good. She wrote Atlas Shrugs[5]. She is not to be confused with Pammiecakes who liberals are always making fun of[6] and try to make her look drunk on her vlogs[7].
1-7 (Note: Need researcher to find the citations)
(Attached note from mailroom – this page was already stained when we got it.)
Just a page, right? Okay, here it is: Page 68 from Chapter 7: How Fascism really IS NOT a Right Wing
(This page is left blank intentionally)
There you go, have fun compiling Jonah’s Magnum Crapus!
We confront the new “1984.”Fascism with a smiley face. Feel-good infringements on the right to bear arms, arguably our single most important freedom. For what is a man without a gun? Nothing but a helpless white worm.
Big Brother (or worse, Big Sister Hillary) stands ready to propagandize our youth with liberal threats to the white male fetus. Humanitarian values will soon replace Christian ones in the school. The camps will open up their gates to receive good Christians as Mexicans swarm over the border taking whatever jobs remain after tax and spend liberal attacks on American corporations and consumers have destroyed the economy.
The military, deprived of funds, will collapse and be unable to defend us from Canadian invasion. These northern usurpers will insitute draconian measures such as univeral health care, imposing their unnatural practices on the American way of life.
These are dark days indeed for a country that once was the hope of the world.
It is utterly amazing the extent of the psychological projection these crazy cons practice.
His book is guaranteed to be a piece of crap because he simply doesn’t have any material. It probably seemed like a great idea when he was shooting the shit with his fellow crazy cons, but as soon as he sits down and tries to actually write anything that makes any kind of sense, he draws a blank.
I predict that the blogoshpere will make mincemeat out of Jonah’s propaganda piece — if he ever writes it.
A few ideas as to why Jonah’s book has become the Chinese Democracy of conservative “literature”:
A. The more research Jonah did, the more material he found for a book posting the opposite hyopthesis (that it is the far right that tends towards fascism) and the more his liberals book began to resemble a Chick tract.
B. Jonah realized that it took a lot of chutzpah to right a book about so-called liberal fascism, when our current conservative administration is responsible for Guantanamo, the enormous increase of surveillance of American citizens (including the review of all of our emails), and the internment of habeas corpus (which I realize is really just the beginning of a list of what’s transpired under this administration).
C. Scared away from presenting fiction as fact by the whole James Frey debacle.
I would like to dedicate this book to Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Debbie Schussler, Astrolube and Kleenex.
A snippet from the index:
Satan, 45, 266n
school vouchers, 172
science, x, 267
sex, 69-112, 288n
sexual deviants in Democratic Party, 56, 69, 232-234
September 11th 2001, 35-120, 289
Simpsons, The: ix-ii, 3-17, 22n, 34, 36-56, 58, 65, 67, 69-112, 123, 126-139, 145, 148-201, 202n, 235-287
Slander (Coulter), 3, 38-56, 100
…copy stolen by Derb, 100
…reading aloud, 38-41
…reading while eating in bed, 37-43
snacks, x, ii, 1, 4-6, 78-156, 266n, 269-299, 301
social Darwinism, ix
Socialist Party, 45-46
Social Security, 15, 60, 176-201
…privatization of, 121
Space Maidens, 45, 123
…VHS copy of, 123
…DVD copy of, 232, 245-266
stains, 31-34, 88-99,100-143
…Cheeto, ix, 43, 45, 56-59, 192-192, 218
…mysterious, 45, 101-134
…not so mysterious, 105, 200, 204
…on copy of Slander, 100-131
Stalin, 45, 56
…Hilary Clinton and, i, iv, 5-12, 123-145
…Hilary Clinton’s resemblance to, 134
…liberals enduring love for, 4-34, 56-99
Star Trek (first series), ix-ii, 3-17, 22n, 34, 36-56, 58, 65, 67, 69-112, 123, 126-139, 145, 148-201, 202n, 235-287
…Derb’s misundertanding of, 203, 222
Star Wars 3-17, 22n, 34, 65, 67, 69-112, 123, 126-139, 145, 235-287
stem-cell research, iv, 6-9
Sullivan, Andrew, 145
Hey Annti, OT, but if ya want gross-out, read about my recent adventure at teh bottom of this comment thread (no, it’s *not* sexual… for once).
[OK, OK, it's the previous thread--sue me]
Love that pic of Jonah! How clever of him to gain enough weight so he’ll never have to squeeze all that blubber into khaki and fight for Iraqi freedom!
Sporkey, Mike, Harry Cheddar, and ortho_bob–and hell, everybody else on this thread appears to have come up with more substantive material than the Doughy Pantload has.
Chunky blood in urine. Got it.
How’dja like to be walking around with a broken screw in yer spine, that keeps moving in and out, catching on every single fucking thread, every single time that you move, breathe, stand, sit, lie down, think, turn your head, etc.?
Imagine the sound effects on THAT one.
Gotta find a new spine surgeon AND a malpractice lawyer. Way scarier than your boo-boo on your hoo-hoo. You have my sympathy, certainly, but I ain’t kissing your boo-boo.
…And of course, the obvious similarities with the suicides (Geli Raubal – Vince Foster) although we’ll probably never know the exact details of either one, we can pretty much take it as a given that both Clinton and Hitler were involved up to their eyebrows!
Then there’s this: Hitler had an Austrian accent, while Clinton had an Arkansas accent. Coincidence? Not!
What about this? Hitler had his autobahns filled with lots of Volkswagens and Mercedes-Benzes, while Clinton had the nation’s interstates filled with: guess what? You guessed it: lots of Volkswagens and Mercedes-Benzes.
And is it just me, or did anyone else notice the similarities with their dogs: Clinton’s “Buddy” and Hitler’s “Blondi”; both names started with the same letter, fer God’s sake.
Readers are invited to write in and share their own similarities, especially about Mussolini and Clinton, because I’ve been so busy working on the staggering Hitler-Clinton similarities that I just haven’t had the time.

The State Of The Blog

Well.  Hmm.  It pretty much sucks.  Not that this exactly qualifies as a news flash.

As careful readers will have surmised, things haven’t been going particularly well lately.  In addition to the loss of Hobbes, my grandfather is in rapidly declining mental and physical health, and the retirement community I moved him into in January has asked me to uproot the old gentleman instanter and consign him to a skilled nursing facility.  So I’ve been scrambling to find him a new home — preferably one that de-emphasizes its physical and professional resemblance to Bedlam and/or Samuel Fuller’s Shock Corridor, while simultaneously hacking away at two scripts that are now overdue on a near Jonah Goldbergian scale.

Meanwhile, in a Secure, Undisclosed Location, S.Z. — never the hardiest lumberjack in the greenwood — has been felled by the flu.  When I spoke to her the other day, she was feeling a bit better — nearly well enough to read Renew America — but it seems that Flossie

…yes, this innocent, yet oddly smug-looking character — ate her glasses.  Or at least, chewed them to the consistency of a veteran rawhide toy.  I know that sounds like a lame excuse (“I couldn’t finish my blog post, the dog ate my eyes!“), but s.z. offered to provide photographic evidence, once she got new glasses so she could locate the camera.  Anyway, the upshot is that her present inability to focus on the computer screen is denying her the spiritual engorgement to be found from the works of Doug Giles, Nathan Tabor, Pastor Swank, and other low-hanging Fruit Loops.

The bottom line is, we’re going through a rough patch, but we’re not about to pull a Bérúbé and defect to another blog (even if Sadly, No! would have us).  So in the immortal words of the Country Bear Jamboree attraction at Disneyland:
Please Bear With Us.
*Image courtesy of Yesterland, for all your dead Disney attraction needs.

Well, at least it wasn’t a picture of Andrew Sullivan. I’m dying to see a picture of the Flossie-manducated eyewear, BTW.
Flossie looks like Scamp’s mother, who did hang around with tramps. From there to eating glasses…
Well, some people say that’s the sort of thing you can expect when you go in for open genus mixing.
And I’m pretty certain that if some people had their way there’d be an open season on assisted-living administrators. For the uninitiated, all I can say is don’t get initiated. My Mom’s monthly bill has doubled in seven months, from $2100 to $4200. It’s true, she’s slipping, and it’s true she needs more help now than she did last fall, but if you, ambulatory young person, had your rent raised twice a year because you kept getting your furnace filters dirty you’d have some small insight. Here’s a slice o’ life:
Assisted-living administrator (on phone): Your mother left the shower running this morning and flooded the bathroom.
Me: What’s the problem? You don’t own a mop?
Needless to say they call my sister about everything now.
It is, for example, $35 to fill a pillbox every week (my sister and I do it for Mom, but I bet 80% of the residents have no choice but to pay). It’s $10 to say hello in the morning, another $10 to say goodnight at night. And we’re lucky. We have the money.
I understand the rough patch. Had a few of ‘em myself. A couple that lasted decades. You just toss anything you don’t need that’s weighing down your ruck, saddle up your shit and put one foot in front of the other. That’s all you can do, short of surrender – and it doesn’t sound like there’s anyone to take you into custody.
I don’t think there’s room for you at Sadly, No! these days – their server thingie has been broken for like a week…
Oh, S.Z., the cuter they are the more dangerous they are. ATE your GLASSES??? It’s a testament to your forbearance that Flossie is still alive. Me, I’d grope around until I found a biscuit to give her as a reward for not having to put on hip boots and slog through Pastor Swank, et al.
Scott, I’m sorry about your grandfather. It’s not an easy time. {bows and accepts prize for understatement of the day}
Hang in there, we’re all rooting for you both.
Dog chewed the ends that wrap around the ears on my glasses, leaving the rest intact, so they work fine but just stab me in the head when I put them on. Wife berated me for being so careless with the glasses, then a week later the dog did the same to her glasses too. Har har har har……
“I warned Alberto that trusting a woman named Monica was a bad idea.” — Bill Clinton
Hey, you’re still doing better than Sadly, No! The dog DOS’d their whole site.
What explains the failure of the mainstream media to cover the purge scandal for so long, and so many other scandals? Do you think somebody just set up newspaper editors to cheat on their wives, and threatened to tell if the editors wouldn’t play ball when they come back some day and ask for something?
It wouldn’t be that hard to do, when you think about it. People wouldn’t talk about it.
Maybe it’s time for a contest? I really enjoyed the Pam Atlas or Atlas Pam or whatever contest, and the Professor/robot thingy at S,N.
How about “visualize the progeny of this couple” (couple can be same sex, what with cloning and such).
Imagine the child of, say Pastor Swank and that Coach Spaghetti guy?
Scott & Doghouse, you have my most heartfelt sympathy. And be truly grateful if your loved ones are not at the mercy of Medicare/Medicaid, ’cause they’re the ones who get shafted the most. While I’d give all of my limbs and both of my tattered lungs to have my Nannie back, I am immensely grateful that she never had to go to “the old folks’ home.” And I hope to hell and back, Scott, that you can find a place for your grandfather that’s no only “do-able,” but peaceful and comforting, ’cause anyone who’s survived that long does NOT need to take shit off of ANYBODY. The “people” (and I use that term loosely) who make careers out of profiting off of others’ disabilities (and milking the gubmint dry in the process, even as the republicunts keep slashing benefits down to the bone marrow) and aging generally do NOT tend to be “good people” and rarely are they endowed with anything resembling empathy or kindness. But hopefully, you & Doghouse will be able to find those few rare people who truly do try to CARE for the elderly, instead of just viewing them as profit margins. All of my love goes with y’all.
As to S.Z. and the eternally trying menagerie, please give her my empathy & sympathy, and I hope to hell that she gets new glasses soon! I’d lose what little mind that I have if I couldn’t read, so I know that S.Z. has to be stressed, to say the least. I’m thinking that we ought to be able to find a way to get her a gubmint subsidy for providing such high-quality care to so many critters — do we even still have a Wildlife & Fisheries department?
If there’s anything that I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to holler at a bitch, k?
Flossie looks like a troublemaker.
Did she eat eighteen days worth of emails too?
What Annti said, only with significantly more giggling over the last sentence.
Shouldn’t that be “holla” at a bitch, Annti?
Oh mah goodness, VIVEK’S ALIVE!!!
Long time no see, compadre.
And D., don’t make me thwack you.
If I were attempting to feign ebonics, then I’d have said “holla” — but I really can’t pull that shtick off.
Yeah, I’ve been busy. Stupid real life, and in particular, stupid undergrads who expect me to forcefeed them mathematics.
And see, here I think that “holler at a bitch” is a little awkward-sounding, regardless of lack/presence of connotation regarding ebonics.
Ya have to say it with my drawl, hon, to really make it work.
And why don’t you train your undergrads the way that Karl Rove trains his “interns”? You know, making them peel the corns & calluses off of your feet, dressing them up like Dorothy Dandridge on Mars and making them do can-can kick lines, feeding them to Alberto Gonzales as canapes, y’know, the usual. Definitely helps alleviate YOUR stress, at any rate.
Because, unlike Karl Rove, my boss isn’t in thrall to me.
Hell, I’ve gotten one or two phone calls from parents asking me one or the other thing. On my cell phone. Which is a number I don’t come close to giving out to them.
Dammmmmmmmn, dude. Sorry to hear it.
Wanna trade parents?
This is somehow a trap, isn’t it? ;)
Pay no attention to the snare rope hidden under those leaves. Just keep watching the carrot, m’boy.
C’mon, they’re not ALL bad, I’ve almost got them potty-trained by now!
(If I could just get them to quit gnawing on the scenery… *sigh*)
Well, this is as good a place as any for this, so here goes:
I just had the “lovely” experience of spending 8 days in le hospital with a particularly vicious urinary tract/bladder infection. At the time of my admission, I was literally peeing blood. It was lovely.
So, ages in the hospital, both regular room and ICU. IV antibiotics (cipro). An irrigated catheter shoved up my dong (and, my, wasn’t that a whole new level of pain!), hoping that the fluid emitted would eventually change from bright red (with chunks) to pink to clearish. EKG/respiration monitor. Etc., etc.
At least I was in enough sheer, flaming pain that I got to have a number of shots of some opiate (dilaudid, perhaps?), which actually allowed me to sleep for 4-5 hours at a shot. I can see how people can get addicted to the stuff. Pleasant.
Anyhoo, I’m back. I’m too ragged out to write anything too lengthy–this aside–for a bit, but here I am.
And, oh yeah… I HATE HOSPITALS!!!!11!!!
Not that I’m claiming some Steve Gilliard-style horror story. What I just went through was bad, but in comparison, not that bad. I’m practically as good as before, which was, admittedly, not that good. But I can walk/talk/type, etc., so on the whole, I’ve been worse.
Gosh, am I glad you’re better, Marq. Hospitals = no fun.
The infection seems to have cleared up, but I still feel extremely weak. As opposed to just plain “weak,” which is how I usually feel. Thanx for the well-wishes, Mrs. TBB!

Wide World O’ Crap

Seattle Dan is a contributor at the General’s place, and also the proprietor of Jackson Street Books, a fine independent bookstore which stocks, among other fine, independent books, Better Living Through Bad Movies. And he’s been kind enough to post a review here. Feel free to join in the chaos in the comments.

(Just don’t forget us li’l folks when y’all hit the Pulitzer circuit, k? Steal me a nice crystal ashtray or something.)

Happy Birthday, Maryc

Well, it’s been a tough week, and neither of us really feels like going out to celebrate.  But I’m afraid to simply ignore the occasion, for fear of inviting the bitter fate of Jimmy Wilson from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, I Accuse My Parents.

As we all know, it was the failure of Jimmy’s parents to remember his birthday that sent him reeling, first into the arms of a kind-hearted but mobbed-up chanteuse…

“Tell you what, Jimmy.  You come by my place tomorrow morning about noon and I’ll fix you an old fashioned birthday breakfast.”

…and then into the Underworld, where Jimmy performed shadowy errands for a ruthless Mafia capo (renting cars, picking up packages, storing important papers in a safe deposit box) before two thugs mercilessly beat the crap out of him in an alley, despite Jimmy’s clearly telling them that it was his birthday!  After that, of course, he has no choice but to run away, traveling via an I Am A Fugitive From A Chain Gang-style montage, until, starving and desperate, he botches an armed robbery in Kansas which tragically culminates in Jimmy’s victim hiring him to flip burgers.

So, as I said, it’s been a lousy week, and I really don’t think I can handle it if the whole thing climaxes with Mary joining the Black Hand and going on a three-state crime spree because I didn’t make a big to-do about her birthday.  So just to be on the safe side, I’m ordering Chinese.

Chinese is a good call. May I also suggest a chocolate and cherry mousse cake? I’m not sure I can bring myself to say “Happy birthday” here, knowing it’s not bloody likely, but I hope you can avoid the whole chain-gang-montage thing, since the music is almost invariably awful.
Maryc, I hope you have a birthday that doesn’t totally suck!
And Scott, having seen “I Accuse My Parents”, I don’t think you need worry that forgetting Maryc’s birthday will lead to her falling in with the wrong crowd. One crucial plot detail is that Jimmy was, y’know, dumber than a bag of hammers.
Oh, fine, we won’t talk about the essay. Everyone just wants to forget the essay.
We’ll just pretend Jimmy never wrote the essay.
Are you happy now?
Just don’t go to one of those restaurants where the entire waitstaff comes out, clapping rhythmically, singing, “Happy, HAP-py Birthday, Happy, HAP-py Birthday!!1!” ::::shudder::::
Oh-and HAP-py birfday, as much as can be expected.
I Accuse My Parents contains one of my favorite MST3K lines ever.
The proprietor of the burger joint, spotting Jimmy sitting there down on his luck, says something like “You learn a lot about people in this business…”
and one of the crew (Joel?) quips, “For example, they’re bipeds!”
Are you happy now?
Well. I’m happy in my work
As well you should be, Scott. Your knowledge of horrible movies impresses me, and at the same time, skeers the shit out of me on several levels.
Mebbe one day, to skeer you back, I’ll send you the pathetic screenplays that I wrote in college. If that don’t larn ya, nothin’ will!
I know that it’s been a hellacious week for everyone at WoC, especially with MaryC losing her beloved kitty-child. I just hope that you can have a peaceful, comfortable birthday, Mary, and that the rest of the year is better for you.
And that, y’know, all of the republicunts in this country are finally convicted for their crimes against humanity and that the next year of all of our lives will be 1000% better.
“Well. I’m happy in my work… ”
Do you ever, ever shirk?
Sorry, not my fault. I accuse Mary’s parents. Happy Birthday, Mary, say, that’s fine, here’s five dollars [yawns].