G.I. Blows

NOTE:  Comments are working again.  Our apologies for the inconvenience.

Our old friend Bill S. has once again generously used his vacation time to hunt down some previously undiscovered species of wingnut.  Here’s his field report:

Before I return back to work (Stomping my feet and whining, “I don’t wanna!”) I thought I’d share a discovery I made last week:Parcbench.  It appears to be a mainstream entertainment and pop culture site — there’s even a style section, with sample titles that include “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night!” and “D.O.G. (Death of the Gladiator Sandel).”
But then I ran across this little gem, reporting on an incident at theTeen Choice Awards:

Dane Cook was booed at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards on Sunday after joking, “Vanessa Hudgens! Girl, you gotta keep your clothes on!” He was referring to the second nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens that was leaked onto the Internet recently.

Dane, don’t you know that you almost got attacked by hundreds of teenage girls because they hold their pop icons higher than liberals hold their Messiah, Obama? We’re glad you were able to escape with your life.

Now that’s some creative wingnuttery, and it gives me an idea for another Wo’C contest.  But more on that in a moment…

The author also misquoted Cook; what he actually said was, “Girl, you gots to keep yo’ clothes on!” I was going to link to video footage to illustrate this, but I think we’ve all suffered enough, haven’t we?

In addition to its many other charms, this site offers up movie reviews, and since I’ve reviewed movie reviews here in the past (I was going to link to them but I think we’ve all suffered enough, haven’t we?), I thought I’d have a look at Chris Yogerst’s critique of the box-office hit G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra.  I should confess that, as of this writing, I have not seen the movie and its HoYay! title notwithstanding, I have very little interest in seeing it. In the first place, I’ve always had rather mixed feelings about Channing Tatum. I think it’s because his name makes me think of Carol Channing and Tatum O’Neal, a combination too horrifying to think about. In the second place I’m not a fan of live-action movies based on old cartoons or toys, and this movie is both. That’s a more unfortunate combo than the lead actor’s name.  But whereas my expectations for the film arer low, Chris seems shocked! to learn that:

G.I. JOE IS AWFUL

Gi: Joe: The Rise of the Cobra is a watered down version of the Joe that we once knew.

I knew it as a doll that was, sadly, anatomically incomplete, and as a crappy cartoon that began airing in 1985.

The film was marketed as if it could be a pro-American “hoorah” kind of action film. Watching this film, I kept forgetting it was GI Joe. Then, I remembered an angry feeling came over me. How could they ruin GI Joe?

When there’s no place to go but up?

John Nolte said it best: “If it wasn’t for resentment I wouldn’t have felt anything.”

He just summed up every wingnut pundit who ever got a column published.

The end of the film leaves a door open for a sequel; in case Hollywood wants to offend America again (we can bet on that!) If Paramount green lights a sequel, let’s hope Michael Bay directs it. He may be a lot of things…

A hack, a douchebag, the Antichrist…

…but one thing he would never do is strip the patriotism from GI Joe.

Storytelling and character development maybe, but patriotism? Eh, not so much.

As a youngster in the early 1980’s, I remember loving the GI Joe cartoon and action figures immensely. ‘GO JOE” rings through my head.

Oh, that’s just too sad to make fun of.

There is nothing wrong with a group of people from different backgrounds working together, which is what our armed forces are anyway. But why can’t GI Joe still be an all American dream team?

Well — this is just a guess, mind you — perhaps it’s because a multimillion dollar movie might sell better in foreign markets if it were a little more universal in its appeal.

Everything American has been stripped from GI Joe and what we have is a melting pot of politically correct garbage.

Uh…dude? Grow up. Please. You put way too much thought into this. Look, I have fond memories of the Saturday morning cartoons I watched as a kid, but if I learned that there was going to be an expensive, live-action adaptation of Hong Kong Phooey, I think I’d probably just shrug and go, “Well, there’s a waste of time and money.”

I guess the site has a ways to go before it matches Big Hollywood, but there’s some definite potential here.

Now, back to that slam at liberals and Obama in the Teen Choice Awards story…Yes, it was an amazingly bizarre non sequitur, but I think that we, the readers and staff of World O’ Crap, can do better; so I propose a writing contest: find a bit of lite news that has absolutelynothing to do with the President, or political issues of any kind, and find a way to connect it to the wingnut outrage de jour.

What do you think?

–Bill S.

Posted by scott on Monday, August 17th, 2009 at 11:43 pm

Okay, But I’m Gonna Stand Upwind Of K-Lo

Our old friend Bill S. is on vacation this week, and why he decided to spend it at Townhall I couldn’t say, but he was kind enough to stop in at the Gift Shop and pick us up a lovely, handcrafted sachet full of batshit crazy.  And it’s all local catch; you can’t get it this fresh and steaming in L.A.

Take it away, Bill…

So hold your nose and keep a barf bag handy. Which, if you’re visiting the Townhall Site, you probably already did.

Not too long ago, conventional wisdom seemed to dictate that gay marriage in America was inevitable.

And then it actually became legal in four states, which proved such wisdom was correct.

But something has changed. Carrie Prejean has had an effect on us.

For some of us, that effect was nausea. For others, a desire to point and laugh.

That’s the argument made by my friend, Maggie Gallagher…

Kathryn, Maggie and Carrie. Sounds like a wingnut version ofHeathers. I think we know which role each has, too.

…the gay marriage movement took a blow this past November, when proposition 8 passed in California…The sea change just may have come when pretty, empathetic face came onto the national scene.

Appearing on the Miss U.S.A. pageant in April of this year, while Prop 8 was passed in November of last year.  Time’s Arrow just took a U-turn.

A young beauty contestant was asked about her position on gay marriage…

And proceeded to toss out a garbled bit of word salad:

“I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and my family I think that I believe that a marriage  should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anyone out there but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be between a man and a woman.”

…heterosexual culture has not done what it should to protect marriage. But our falling short-individually and culturally-is no reason to call the whole thing off and erase a cornerstone of civilized society.

Okay. For the one millionth time: allowing gay couples to legally marry will not ERASE the rights of heterosexual couples to marry. Why do people have such a hard time grasping that? Oh, and K-Lo, you do realize that what you just said was: “Just because we’ve proven that heterosexual couples aren’t better than gay couples doesn’t mean they aren’t.”

Gallagher writes: “Same-sex unions are really not just like opposite-sex unions when marriage is in question. Celebrating all forms of adult romantic love equally is not a very good justification for redefining a fundamental institution whose public purposes reach far beyond the affirmation of romance.”

Wow, it’s not every day you see someone get beaten up by their own strawman. Now, it’s possible that I’ve failed to follow her tortured line of reasoning, but I’ll try. She seems to be saying that even if gay relationships are equal to heterosexual ones, that’s irrelevant. Marriage is about legal rights that have nothing to do with the nature of a couple’s relationship. Therefore, marriage laws should be based upon…the type of relationship they’re in.

Did I get that right?

…it’s not impossible to find members of the non-heterosexual community with an ambivalent view of marriage.

Ah yes. The ambivalent are so fiercely vocal.

…fashion designer Valentino Garavani was asked if gay marriage should be legal. He answered: “For myself, all these years, I never thought about it in terms of changing the laws…I am neither for it legally, or against it, so I have no personal agenda here.”

Not particularly political, this answer can’t be taken as an outright opposition to gay marriage.

In fact, it’s so neutral, only an idiot would try to spin it that way.

But to these ears, there seems to be an acknowledgement of an inescapable truth: There is something transparently different between two men who decide to spend their lives together and a marriage.

Like I said…

And unlike the most strident advocates of gay marriage, who spent the time during and after the proposition 8 campaign intimidating  and punishing those who supported the measure…

Yeah, and the supporters of Prop 8 took the high road of lying their asses off.

…most of us who oppose gay marriage are not looking to exclude anyone from any type of happiness.

Except for the type they don’t personally approve of, even if it doesn’t take anything away from them (the footage of that marriage ceremony is quite possibly the sweetest thing I’ve watched on the internets all year.)

Carrie Prejean is now a face of that kind of tolerance. The contrast of her measured, mildly offered opinion to the angry, ugly Internet response from beauty-contestant judge Perez Hilton, who asked Prejean the fateful question, was striking.

In that his was more coherent. K-Lo seems unaware that, to most of the LGBT community, Perez is a colossal jackass, an embarrassment to us all. I can sort of understand why that’d be a hard concept to grasp for someone who maintains a friendship with Maggie Gallagher.

While Republicans were tripping over themselves to pose with the party’s Log Cabin branch…

In what frakkin’ parallel universe?

…a beauty queen made it okay to confidently acknowledge reality

Namely, that there’s a sizable chunk of Americans who are ill-informed, gullible, fearful of progress and easily impressed by anyone who affirms their prejudices, no matter how badly they express them.

…in a loving and beautiful and tolerant way.

And let’s not forget modest.  (Caution, the following program contains beauty queens and Hannity.  It is not intended for mature audiences.  Adolescent discretion is advised).

We leave you now with a little palate cleanser: Michael Callen’s rendition of “Where the Boys Are.”

Posted by scott on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 12:43 pm

And By Their Tattered Copy Of Atlas Shrugged Shall Ye Know Them

Now let’s go to David E., our World O’ Crap NYC correspondent, who witnessed nuts — specifically, wingnuts — being openly teabagged in City Hall Park, and filed this report.  David?

….EXCLUSIVE!….BY DAVID E….MUST CREDIT WORLD O’ CRAP….

So, the New York teabag party — I mean, the one the conservatives called, as opposed to the general atmosphere below 14th Street on the weekend — was great fun. Stretching an ENTIRE city block and a half, this intrepid group of angry white stood in the cold for 2 whole hours and listened to about 12 speakers interspersed with that NYC favorite, country/bluegrass music.

Two favorite moments:

1) An hour before the official start time of the protest, about 50 of ‘em were in City Hall Park. At the T-45 minute mark, the cops were shutting the park down and moving everyone onto the street, which is where the stage was set up and where the protest was actually set to happen. The anguish some of these folks experienced at being told they had to move was priceless. “You wouldn’t be doing that if we was ACORN,” one said.

2) Woman holds up a sign that says “Atlas will shrug.” (What the hell does that even mean?) Suddenly another woman, clutching her well-thumbed copy of Atlas Shrugged to her chest rushes up to her, saying in thick Lawn Guyland, “I found my soulmate, I found my soulmate!” She thrusts the book under woman #1’s nose and they both begin gabbling. It’s kind of like how when dogs meet each other and sniff their butts.

Pictures and a video with some audio from one of the songs can be found here.

Scott again:  Definitely check out the photo essay, and many thanks to David for his snappy, one-the-spot reporting.

Posted by scott on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 9:39 am

Those “Atlas Shrugged” women sound my roommate… *shudder*

Left by Therine on April 16th, 2009

Oops, sound like my roommate, I meant.

Left by Therine on April 16th, 2009

‘NYC The Dirty?’ WTF?

Left by arghous on April 16th, 2009

Like Dave, I blogged the protest.
Unlike Dave, I didn’t bother to show up.
Somehow, we managed to write nearly identical stories.

Left by actor212 on April 17th, 2009

Awww, you guys get to have ALL the fun!
I need a road trip, dammit.
So were there any “counter-protesters” to the teabagging denial-monkeys? Did anybody, at any point, happen to point out to these assholes that: When Dumbya was pissing away billions a day on a FAKE fucking war with a country that DID NOT ATTACK US, and getting our VERY REAL kids KILLED in the pursuit of fucking OIL RIGHTS, RIGS, AND PIPELINES — allllll that fucking time, these same smug, spoiled, irresponsible FUCKTARDS, WHERE WERE THEY THEN?!?!?!
WHY WEREN’T THEY “PROTESTING” THAT “THEIR” TAX MONEY WAS BEING ***WASTED*** ON WAR-WELFARE QUEENS?!?!??!?!
Oh, right. ‘Cause Obama expects THEIR lazy, spoiled-prick asses to PAY THEIR FARE SHARE AND PULL THEIR OWN FUCKING WEIGHT FOR ONCE IN THEIR SILVER-COKE-SPOON LIVES, yup, he’s a commie, alright. They are SO brave,to protest a fucking NON-ISSUE, they’re not going to be teargassed, cordoned-off a mile away from the Republicunt national convention, bludgeoned and wounded for the sake of the World Bank. Yup, they really know how to “make a statement.”
Know what that statement says?
“WE ARE SELFISH, CHILDISH, SPOILED FUCKING CUNT-FART FUCKTARDS WHO WANT POOR PEOPLE TO DIE SO THAT WE CAN KEEP EVERYTHING FOR OURSELVES.”
I do hope, at least, that the Billionaires For Bush made a respectable showing. That would’ve been the PERFECT venue for them. Bimbos who think that “Atlas Shrugged” is about THE HOLY PERFECTION OF CAPITALISM probably would never have even NOTICED that the BFB were MOCKING THEIR PRECIOUS LAWNGUYLAND ASSES. Would’ve made a HELLUVA video clip for later use.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 18th, 2009

Or even closer to their big issue, Annti, where were they last summer and early fall, when the Bush administration started the bail-out programs and policies that, for the most part, Obama has merely continued?
Where were the teabaggers when Congress signed a 700 billion dollar blank check to Henry Paulson? I guess corporate “socialism” is ok, as long as it’s their guy implementing it.

Left by TM on April 18th, 2009

Persactly. If Dick Cheney does it, it’s not illegal, to paraphrase Nixon (although I have a sneaking suspicion that Tricky Dick actually DID utter that phrase before he took his dirt-nap, if not when he was still in office). Giving money to multi-trillion-dollar, multi-national corporations (many majority-owned in China, UAE, Saudi, and Holland, of course, our CHIEF CREDITORS, and teh Republicunts PUT US INTO THEIR DEBT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE) is A GOOOOOD THING TO DO. Watching them piss it away on orgy-style mega-parties is “just part of doing business.”
Why else do you think that Unca Dick allowed NO fucking oversight of his “Energy Policy” meetings with OIL, NATURAL GAS, AND ELECTRICAL MONOLITHS?!?!?!? Same policy when it came to deciding WHICH crooked Wall Street firms, bass-ackwards top-heavy insurance corps, and other hand-in-the-till motherfuckers WOULD RECEIVE THE OPULENT LARGESSE OF THE ENTIRE U.S. TREASURY. And, you might note, NO ONE has oversight over ANY of the decisions made in the Federal Reserve, and we are never allowed to know how THOSE bastards spend any of OUR money, either.
Gotta love a sweet set-up like that, huh? Almost begs you to pillage it.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 19th, 2009

And what I will NEVER fucking understand is how these greed-whore fucktards, the moneychangers in every fucking temple, “got” that “Atlas Shrugged” is about CAPITALISM.
It was about CREATIVE FREEDOM and ESCHEWING THE CONSTRAINTS OF CORPORATE CONTROL ***OVER*** CREATIVE FREEDOM. Dumbasses. I bet that they think that Jeebus spoke in High Middle English (archaic), too.
And BARNEY is actually a MUSICAL SAVANT.
We need to make people take an IQ test before we allow them to read the big books, ’cause if they’re going to strap Ayn Rand to their capitalism cross, I think that she would’ve wanted to kick them in the head.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 19th, 2009

Where were the teabaggers when Congress signed a 700 billion dollar blank check to Henry Paulson? I guess corporate “socialism” is ok, as long as it’s their guy implementing it.
According to them, “they” were pissed off about it, but “they” were supporting McCain who still stood a chance so “they” didn’t want to make a statement about it.
*snort*

Left by actor212 on April 19th, 2009

If she did, how would we be able to tell?

Left by Bill S on April 19th, 2009

Dig ‘er up.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 19th, 2009

Awww, annti. Don’t worry; they’ll do it again next year. Maybe in your area! I saw only one Hitler-analogy sign, not bad given the concentration of wingnuttery. One person did opt to wear their Sore Loserman shirt, which I found a nostalgic touch.
The Billionaires, sadly, didn’t show. It would’ve been fun, as I have a new policy platform to propose for them:
* Wealth care
* Fun Control
* Public Broadbashing
I think that pretty much gets at the GOP agenda, after all.

Left by David E. on April 20th, 2009

I worded the question incorrectly: I meant, if she kicked them in the head, how would we be able to tell?

Left by Bill S on April 21st, 2009

As long as they’re getting kicked in the head, who cares?
I think that we’d hear their bitchy little whining from here, anyway… They’d probably call a press conference and declare The Corpse Of Ayn Rand a “TRAITOR!” and demand that she be killed even DEADER.
Dumbasses. If they could UNDERSTAND the book, they wouldn’t be using it as a fucking WEAPON. I often wonder what would happen if we could inject “Stranger In A Strange Land,” “The Handmaid’s Tale,” and a copy of the U.S. Constitution into the rattly skulls of republicunts… Think that they’d implode or explode?

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 21st, 2009

Mamma Mia That’s A Spicy Moron

With so many wingnuts fixated on the George Bush as Batman theme, we wondered who was left to denounce the subversive dancing queens defiling the other half of our multiplex screens this weekend.  Fortunately, Debbie Schlussel has risen to the challenge, and revealed the startling truth that a disco-infused piece of musical theater may be guilty of harboring secret gay undertones.  Even better, our friend Bill S. has also seen both Mamma Mia! and The Dark Knight, and with the recent retirement of Roger Ebert, this seemed like a good time to revive that old “bickering, but loveable opposites attract” formula that once made Ebert and Gene Siskel such a critical powerhouse.  So take it away, Bill!

The plot to Mamma Mia! is utterly (and probably intentionally) silly. But hey, it’s a jukebox musical in which the characters break out into ABBA songs, so if you were looking for complexity, you’d be a blame fool. Meryl Streep sings sweetly, Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper are cute as the young lovers, and overall, it’s as light as the other movie is dark. Of  course, if you have a low tolerance for ABBA’s music, you won’t want to see it, but otherwise, it’s a sweet, good-natured comedy.

In short, I pretty much enjoyed them both. I don’t know what that says about my taste in movies, but I will say part of my enjoyment came from the fact that I didn’t look for any political agenda in either of them. Doing that tends to suck the joy out of going to the movies, which hasn’t stopped wingnuts from doing it. As we learned from twoprevious Wo’C posts, The Dark Knight is a movie that champions conservative values. And now, in a recent column, Little Debbie Crabcakes warns us that Mamma Mia! is pushing the agenda of the Slutty Homo Commies:

‘MAMMA MIA’? MORE LIKE HOMO MIA: FORMER JAMES BOND FALLS FAR IN PAINFUL MOVIE AIMED AT GAYS, WOMEN; FEMINIST ATTACK ON BATMAN

Did you know that feminists are trying to turn this weekend’s box office take into a battle of the sexes?

No, but’s that’s just stupid enough a theory for some wingnut to seize upon.

They are, and in this “Mamma Mia!” versus “The Dark Knight contest, it’s really no contest. They’re gonna lose.

‘Cause girls are weak, y’know. Well, “The Dark Knight” did, in fact, open at #1 at the box office, but “Mamma Mia!” came in a respectable second, with the highest grossing opening weekend for any musical. It also raked in nearly twice as much as the movie that came in third.

When the “Sex & the City” movie came out earlier this year, I wrote that it was a national IQ test for women. If you liked it, you failed.

I have a similar test when it comes to the writings of Debbie Schlussel.

What i didn’t realize was that it was a two-part test.

The second part debuted at midnight last night. It’s “Mamma Mia!” More like Homo Mia!…an ode to slutdom and what gay men want to project onto straight women and their relationships.

The director’s a woman, the book was written by a woman, and the score was written by two heterosexual men. But other than that, there are no holes in that theory.

The three middle-aged, haggish, oversexed women at the center of it all–Meryl Streep, Christine Baranski, and some chick with a butch haircut and an English accent, whose name I don’t care to know–

I don’t know the name of the haircut and accent, but the actress in question is Julie Walters, a well-respected British comedienne with 30 films, two Oscar Nominations and an OBE to her credit. Oh, and her name’s clearly displayed on all the posters, including the one featured with Schlussel’s review.

-are the “Sex & the City” women in ten years. Blechhh! Who wants to see and hear three dirty old women simultaneously having hot flashes and yearning for orgasms, set to music now played only in gay dance clubs?

Who wants to read the rantings of a gibbering loon? I wonder how she knows what’s getting played in gay dance clubs? Does she sneak in on “drag night”?

Yesterday, I arrived late to the screening of the movie, and I went to a midnight showing to see the beginning I had missed.

I’m confused. She said earlier that the first show started at midnight (which doesn’t sound right), but now she’s saying there was an earlier show?

Amidst a cinema multiplex filled with males attending several sold-out showings of the excellent-but-violent Batman flick “The Dark Knight”, the theatre also had the midnight showing of “MM!” thinking that women would flock to see it, while their husbands and boyfriends saw Batman.

I had no idea that movie theatres could think. How does she know that, at a multiplex, they were going to see “The Dark Knight” and not something else? Were those the ONLY two movies that had a midnight screening?

No such “luck”.

Once again wingnuts can’t resist gratuitous scare quotes.

In the empty theatre along with me were three middle-aged women and a gay guy.

So it wasn’t actually empty.

In his effeminate voice, he said to me, “I’m not a Batman guy, I’m a Mamma Mia guy”. No kidding.

Seeing as how he was, y’know, at the screening of “Mamma Mia”.

(Except maybe for the “guy” part.)

Oh, that’s what she meant.

There’s some sort of weird feminist anti-Batman backlash hype the press is trying to generate against “The dark Knight” in favor of “MM!”

There is? Why have I missed that? It must be stealth hype.

And this weekend, NOW–the National Orginization for (Ugly) Women–

Would that be NO(U)W?

–is billing its three day conference in Bethesda, Maryland, with this theme:
NO CAPES, NO MASKS, NO BOUNDARIES: FEMINIST SUPER-WOMEN UNITE!
Uh, no thanks. “Super Women”? There’s a reason no–one uses “Wonder Woman” and “NOW” together in the same sentence.

Yeah, what a bunch of losers! Here’s a few of the speakers at this thing:  Barbara Hillary, who became the first African-American woman to reach the North Pole-at age 75, no less. Lily Ledbetter was an “average” hardworking woman, until she spoke out against wage discrimination, igniting a fierce battle that reached the U.S. Supreme Court and the Halls of Congress…Irshad Manji is a writer who has been called “Osama Bin Laden’s worst nightmare” for her efforts to promote Muslin reform.

Remind me again, what has Debbie Schlussel accomplished?

Since It’s a musical, you have to wonder why they cast Pierce Brosnan as one of the male costars.

Well, he’s not going to make anyone forget Paulo Szot, but, as BAD singers go, he’s no worse than, say Bruce Willis, who got a deal with Motown before anyone heard his voice.

It’s truly embarrassing to see the fall of the formerly suave James Bond now forced into singing, karaoke-style, the playlist of an Elton John-George Michael soiree, while wearing–as he does in the conclusion–a fluorescent, tight jumpsuit and platform high-heeled boots. How do you say “007″ in fruity-speak?

I don’t know. How do you say “misogynist, homophobic cretinous jackass” in wingnut-speak?

Meryl Streep plays a single mother hippie whose daughter is getting married. The daughter doesn’t know who her real dad is and surreptitiously read mom’s diary to find out. During the time she was conceived her mother slept with three different men, so she invites all of them to her wedding. The tripartite family values of being a slut, I guess.

I read that last sentence a dozen times and I still have no idea what she’s trying to say

In the meantime, Streep is trying to dissuade her daughter from getting married and push her toward pursuing her career instead, which…is what she ultimately does. And all the while, Streep’s two slutty, middle-aged friends in heat are desperately hitting on anything in pants.

Considering this movie has a plot a 10-year-old could follow, it’s amazing how many things she got wrong. Streep’s character, Donna, is supportive of her daughter Sophie’s marriage — it’s the girl’s fiance who wants to postpone it. Later, Donna’s ex, Sam (Brosnan) suggests that Sophie pursue a career before getting tied down. Donna’s friends are seen mostly propping her up and trying to smooth out her anxieties about Sophie growing up. In fact, Christine Baranski’s character rejects the advances of a hunky young man who’s smitten with her.

Embarrassing and classless.

Said the woman whose site features a cleavage-bearing photo of herself that was clearly taken several years ago, instead of a more recent-and dignified-photo.

The “jokes” in this movie are so bad, it’s not funny.

There aren’t enough side-splitters like “Homo Mia!”, “National Orginization for (Ugly) Women” and “Except for the ‘guy’ part”.

It’s not that I don’t like musicals–one of my favorite movies is the classic “Showboat.” And last year’s “Sweeney Todd” was cool.

She doesn’t say which version of “Showboat” she likes, but I’m guessing it’s the 1951 version that toned down the racial issues and boldly cast Ava Gardner as a mulatto.

And I don’t dislike some of ABBA’s hits either. It’s just that the ’70s called, and they want their songs back.

The ’90s called and they want their jokes back. But yeah, who wants to hear a bunch of old stuff? Debbie prefers to rock out to Oscar Hammerstein, or the cool sounds of a Stephen Sondheim musical that originally opened in, um…1979.

But if you’re a guy whose wife or girlfriend wants to drag you to see “Mamma Mia,” take it from me, kill yourself first. You’ll thank me from your man cave in Heaven.

Omigod! I just realized with that last sentence: Debbie Schlussel is actually Doug Giles in drag. That explains so much about both of them.

Keep your manhood-and your sanity–intact, and go see “The Dark Knight,” instead.

Yeah! Prove your manhood by watching the stars of The Velvet Goldmine and Brokeback Mountain playing a handsome bachelor who runs around town in a latex bodysuit and a guy who wears makeup throughout the film, at one point dressing up as a woman!

The only ABBA song that truly fits here is “S.O.S.”

The only ABBA song that truly fits Debbie Schlussel is “Cracking Up”

Debbie concludes by rating the movie “Three Marxes”. I have no idea what this movie has to do with Karl Marx, but then again, I also had no idea what “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” had to do with Marxism either.

She gave “The Dark Knight” three “Reagans”. She said she’d have rated it higher but for the excessive violence, which is, I take it, inconsitant with the Great Communicater’s pacifist values.

-Bill S.

Thanks Bill!  Actor212 has more on another right wing pearl-clutcher who went to Mamma Mia! expecting sort of Robert Bly drum circle.

Posted by scott on Sunday, July 27th, 2008 at 7:53 pm

“The three middle-aged, haggish, oversexed women”
Ever looked in a fucking mirror, Slutssel?
Debbie is truly the most repulsive, rock stupid, ugly and all around worthless Wingtard commentator in existence, with the possible exception of Micheal Savage. And I’m not totally convinced that he’s not actually some sort of performance artist/satirist. She’s seriously just beneath you.

Left by Gundamhead on July 27th, 2008

“at one point dressing up as a woman!”
Joker in nurse drag Rocks! The best nurse since that Blink 182 “Enema of the State” album cover.

Left by Monkay on July 27th, 2008

Debbie was not the only right winger to have her jock in knotsover this movie.

Left by actor212 on July 27th, 2008

>
She needs to turned in her oversexed insignia in RIGHT NOW.

Left by Slywy on July 27th, 2008

Oops-looks like I wrote “Muslin reform” instead of “Muslim reform”.
On the bright side, there were a LOT more typos in my original e-mail to scott, so I’m grateful he got the others.

Left by Bill S on July 27th, 2008

Oops-looks like I wrote “Muslin reform” instead of “Muslim reform”.
They hate us for our cotton.

Left by actor212 on July 27th, 2008

“Did you know that feminists are trying to turn this weekend’s box office take into a battle of the sexes?
No, but’s that’s just stupid enough a theory for some wingnut to seize upon.”
The irony detector just asploded.

Left by ciocia on July 27th, 2008

The tripartite family values of being a slut, I guess.
Meaning: I believe I know what ‘tripartite’ means, and can use it in a sentence!
Subtext: I am sadly mistaken!

Left by Penh on July 27th, 2008

Thanks Bill S. ! Marx vs. Regan? I’m gonna shake my head till that image flies out my ear…. now I’m dizzy.
Hmm. If I were to rate movies using presidents rather than thumbs up or stars or bags of popcorn, who would I use?

Left by Kathy on July 27th, 2008

I give this movie 3 Roosevelts! But that one gets only 1/2 of a Hitler!

Left by Kathy on July 27th, 2008

Debbie concludes by rating the movie “Three Marxes”. 
Groucho, Harpo and Chico?
I have no idea what this movie has to do with Karl Marx, but then again, I also had no idea what “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” had to do with Marxism either.
neither did Chuck or Larry
I don’t know. How do you say “misogynist, homophobic cretinous jackass” in wingnut-speak?
perfesser Dr Mike Adams, PhD?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 28th, 2008

How do you say “misogynist, homophobic cretinous jackass” in wingnut-speak?
I’m pretty sure they just say “I.”

Left by FlipYrWhig on July 28th, 2008

ciocia, there’s a bit of a misprint. The first sentence was written by Debbie, the second was my response to that question. I forgot to break the lines in my original e-mail to scott, so my sentence appears to have come from her review.

Left by Bill S on July 28th, 2008

…and it looks like scott just fixed it. That was fast! When does he sleep?

Left by Bill S on July 28th, 2008

Groucho, Harpo and Chico?
I get the feeling it’s more Gummo, Zeppo, and Chico.
Or maybe she was throwing in Joe Besser and mixing metaphors.

Left by actor212 on July 28th, 2008

I think I can presume to speak for the 70s, and say that we really don’t want those songs back and you’re welcome to them.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 28th, 2008

Maybe we should divide the country into Blue States and “Rant States” !

Left by H-Bob on July 28th, 2008

And if my cuir peeps and i had anything to do with fucking Abba’s existence to start with, then i want my sexual identity back!
Which isn’t to say that Meryl Streep doesn’t really really really need to take a break from crap films.

Left by Lamb Cannon on July 28th, 2008

Hey, Lamb! Dan Collins is looking for you…(see the Jeff G thread below, as well as Skippy)

Left by actor212 on July 28th, 2008

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the ’51 Show Boat is Schlusspump’s favorite of all. It’s likely the only one she knows exists. Helen Morgan would scare ol’ Deb to death. As would James Whale.

Left by mndean on July 28th, 2008

Not to mention the awesome Irene Dunne and her “shuffle” dance. Which I suppose could be viewed as racist or culturally co-opting, but I prefer to see it as just cute. The blackface number, though, forget about it.

Left by Lu on July 29th, 2008

The thing about Schlussel’s column that really annoyed the crap out of me was, there’s a tiny grain of truth to the idea that a movie featuring women over 50 will, in all liklihood, appeal mostly to women over 50, while a testosterone-fuel action movie will, in all liklihood, draw a largely male crowd. From that relatively sane jumping point, she takes a flying leap into Lake Crazy, where she finds a dog-eared copy of “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche”, and thinks it’s a manifesto. I also couldn’t stand the whole, “Boys Are Cool And Like Cool Things, Girls Are Dumb And Like Dumb Things” mentality. It’s annoying enough when applied to popular culture, but wingnuts allow it to spill out into all areas of life, which is kinda scary.

Left by Bill S on July 29th, 2008

The thing about Schlussel’s column that really annoyed the crap out of me was, there’s a tiny grain of truth to the idea that a movie featuring women over 50 will, in all liklihood, appeal mostly to women over 50, while a testosterone-fuel action movie will, in all liklihood, draw a largely male crowd.

Hmmm. I am a female hominid, over 50. I do not want to see either film. I shall settle back onto my comfy sofa and watch a DVD from my Buffy The Vampire Slayer collection. Or perhaps the “big damn heroes” DVD from my Firefly collection.
Ooh. I am happy. Tonight I shall kill no one. Literally.

Left by larkspur on July 29th, 2008

I am a male under 50 who went to both. And loves “Buffy” AND “Firefly”.
I can only presume that means I’m easy to please. Except that every time somebody says the the MOVIE version of “Buffy” is better than the TV show, I want to slap them. Repeatedly.

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2008

I was coerced into seeing Mamma Mia (the play), which ended up being great… as for the movie version, sounds fun, though it’s awkward to think of ol’ Pierce trying to sing, yeeesh

Left by movie buff on August 14th, 2008