The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Robert E. Lee, Hero of the Union

Iowa Republican Steve King got into a slap fight with history earlier this week, when he was the sole Representative to vote against a House resolution recognizing the contribution of slave labor to the construction of the U.S. Capitol.  At first, he tried to spin his Nay as a mere difference of opinion with the decorator — he didn’t want to hear about placing any silly plaques until they’d settled on where “In God We Trust” was going to be chiseled in the Congressional Visitors Center. Yesterday, however, he told a radio interviewer that he objected to the resolution because it didn’t honor Jefferson Davis for fighting to free the slaves.  Or something.
KING: I would just add that there were about 645,000 slaves that were brought to the United States. And I’m with Martin Luther King, Jr. on this. His documents, his speeches – I’ve read most of them. And I agree with almost every word that came out of him. Slavery was abhorrent, but it was also a fact of life in those centuries where it existed.
And of the 645,000 Africans that were brought here to be forcibly put into slavery in the United States, there were over 600,000 people that gave their lives in the Civil War to put an end to slavery. And I don’t see the monument to that in the Congressional Visitor Center, and I think it’s important that we have a balanced depiction of history.
Think Progress notes the abundance of monuments paying tribute to the men and women who served on behalf of the Union during the Civil War, but I think it would ease Representative King’s mind if someone pointed out that only about 360,000 of the approximately 618,000 casualties “gave their lives…to put an end to slavery.”  The remaining 258,000 actually died to defend slavery.
So there you go, Congressman; there’s a more “balanced depiction of history” for you.  All better?

Posted by scott on Thursday, July 9th, 2009 at 10:21 am

Glory Holelellujah

In the annals of manly man-love, there is no more touching tale than the story of Apollo and Hyachinthus — or — Alexander and Hephaestion — or, no, wait — Washington and the Savage Weiner!  You may remember Mr. Washington from a previous World Net Daily column, in which he drew an unflattering parallel between the Obama Administration and the dystopia described in Orwell’s 1984, a jaunty jeremiad in which he managed to get the characters, plot, and theme of the book exactlybackwards.  But Ellis is more than just a man who affects a familiarity with books he clearly hasn’t read; he’s also a resume padder nonpareil, who claims in his bio to be “a professor of law and political science at Savannah State University,” although SSU lists him as a “part-time Instructor” (not an Assistant Professor, Associate Professor, or Professor) in the Political Science, Public Administration, and Urban Studies Department.
But just as Governor Mark Sanford deserves pity rather than scorn because his extramarital ugly-bumping was in the service of a love story (“A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”), so should we also pardon “Professor” Washington his fibs and vanities, for he is also in thrall to a forbidden soulmate: Michael Savage (neé Weiner).
On Jan. 13, 1898, the celebrated French writer and intellectual Émile Zola risked his career and endangered his life when his letter “J’accuse!” was published on the front page of the Paris daily L’Aurore. This famous letter was a scathing indictment against the French government for unjustly condemning a war hero, Capt. Alfred Dreyfus, to Devil’s Island and covering up evidence of his innocence. This passionate letter “J’accuse!” has stood through the ages as a singular expression of indignation and accusation against powerful persons, organizations and nations.
Now, 100 years later, the Dreyfus Affair has now crossed the English Channel in the case of Michael Savage.
A quick programming note:  Michael Savage’s talk radio show, The Savage Nation, is broadcast live, Monday through Friday, from the Crimson Barracks on Devil’s Island in the penal colony of French Guiana, from which there is no escape.
Jim Meyers of Newsmax dropped a bombshell article on July 1 that chronicles the recent admission by the British government that it did not consult with the U.S. and the Obama Administration regarding the exclusion of Michael Savage from England. As remarkable as that statement is, it made an even more incredible admission that England is now presently speaking with ranking members of the Obama administration about the blacklisting of Michael Savage.
Yes, Cathy Lee, that IS Incredible!  I guess…
The May 5 blacklisting of Savage is suspiciously close to – and I believe connected with – a lawsuit Savage filed in mid-April against Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano over a DHS report suggesting U.S. military veterans could be targeted by right-wing extremists.
Yes, the most logical way for the Obama Administration to punish Savage is for the British to ban him from traveling to the U.K., without telling the U.S. government, because it’s important to occasionally surprise your co-conspirators in order to keep your cabal fresh and romantic.
Britain’s defensive and convoluted reply on the case of Michael Savage amounts to a non-denial denial. It smacks of conspiracy, cover-up, lies and collusion at the highest levels of the world’s two most powerful governments.
Nothing smacks more of rank conspiracy than two groups doing things without coordinating or even telling each other.
Here is my theory on how the Obama administration colluded with Britain to blacklist Michael Savage:
In order to trace the line of Professor Washington’s recondite reasoning, take your index finger and place it in a parallel orientation to your mouth, then rub it over your lips in an up-and-down motion while humming at high volume.
  • Let us float a “Fairness Doctrine” trial balloon with our ally across the pond before we bring it home to America.
I think I’d rather just go see Up again.
  • Let us pick a sacrificial lamb: a conservative of some notoriety, yet controversial with few friends in the state-run media or among his conservative peers.
In other words, a phenomenal asshat.  Got anyone in mind, Prof?
  • Let us associate him with the most evil, irredeemable criminals on the planet.
  • And let us wait and watch with glee as his fellow conservatives lurch back into the shadows, shut their normally big yaps on this case and not come to Michael Savage’s defense.
Because nobody loves the Savage Weiner the way you love him!  All those other pundits, they don’t understand him the way you do!
The Machiavellian plot of the British and U.S. government against Michael Savage, an American patriot and self-confessed Anglophile is really appalling. Their scheme would have worked, but they only made one mistake:
They forgot to tell each other they were in a conspiracy and so they both wound up bringing the same hot dish to the potluck?
They picked the wrong man to blacklist.
This is where Weiner tears off his shirt, ties on a headband, and begins screwing explosive tips onto graphite arrow shafts, right?  Because this is where I usually go out to the concession stand for Good ‘n’ Plentys and a Mr. Pibb.
They underestimated this man. Michael Savage is aPromethean figure who has the courage and fortitude to take his case all the way before the British Parliament if necessary.
By the way, if you thought I was perhaps exaggerating a bit in that first paragraph, take a gander at Washington’s portrait of Michael Savage as the Modern Prometheus.  Here’s a taste:
Prometheus challenged the awesome authority of Zeus by stealing fire from heaven, which gave warmth to the earth thus saving all humanity. Likewise, Savage has put his reputation on the line daily for 15 years as a Ph.D. trained scientist, autodidactic philosopher and historian, zealously defending America’s national heritage and waging battle in the arena of ideas against the Zeuses of our time…a list of infamy that included Muslim terrorists, homosexual hate-mongers, neo-Nazis and Russian mobsters.
Zeus meted out unjust and sadistic punishment to Prometheus by chaining him to a rock and commanding an eagle to eat his liver every day, only to have the liver grow back anew each day. Likewise, a similar Sisyphus-like torture was heaped upon Savage by Great Britain whose unprovoked defamation of his name and reputation has daily caused Savage’s life and the physical security of his entire family to be brought into mortal danger.
And I thought that “Leave Britney alone!” guy went a little overboard.  How does Professor Ellis even manage to teach his occasional, part-time, Pass/Fail classes, when he is continually haunted by Savage’s Promethean inability to order spotted dick and fresh toad-in-the-hole?
[According to a] member of the Labour Party: “The Home Office did not consult the U.S. administration about the creation of the list of foreign nationals who are excluded from the United Kingdom on unacceptable behavior grounds, which included U.S. citizen, Michael Savage.
“However, following publication of the list, Home Office and FCO (Foreign and Commonwealth Office) officials have discussed the Government’s policy on exclusion with American officials.”
Who are these unnamed American officials? This British-American axis amounts to collusion to exclude Savage. Furthermore, it is a modern-day metaphor of the “Dreyfus Affair” regarding the unjust conviction, imprisonment and cover-up of Capt. Alfred Dreyfus, a decorated war hero, a French citizen of Jewish extraction who was falsely accused of treason by France in 1894. At least Capt. Dreyfus had the celebrated writer and intellectual, Émile Zola, to defend his cause, but who does Michael Savage have on his side?
Only deranged, but dedicated stalker and fan-boy Ellis Washington, that’s who.  But I don’t think comparing this situation to the torments suffered by Captain Dreyfus goes nearly far enough.  It’s like the Obama Administration has waterboarded Dr. Savage, in that his bosom has been repeatedly bedewed with the bitter, salty tears of Ellis Washington.
J’accuse England! … J’accuse America!

Posted by scott on Wednesday, July 8th, 2009 at 10:13 pm

Townhall Peep Show

Work is piling up, so I thought I’d do a quick Townhall Shorter before assaulting my desk, and it seems I picked a good time to drop by, since they’re having one of their theme days.  Today everyone is voiding their brains of dirty, naughty, pervy thoughts for the benefit of their Real American readership:
Obama Is in Russia, but Honduras Is Where the Action Is: Dennis Prager offers another installment of his Tips for Sex Tourists.
Sarah Palin, Liberal Nerds and an Envious Spinster: Douglas MacKinnon helps you spice up your marital relations with these fun role-play scenarios.
A Tangled Web: Thomas Sowell explains the pitfalls awaiting BDSM enthusiasts who attempt classical Japanese Rope Bondage without first receiving proper knot-tying training from an Asian top or a Boy Scout.  Sowell notes that amateur rigs often put excessive strain on the bottom’s abdomen and lower back; this can, in extreme cases, damage the kidneys and reduce their resale value.
The Feminists Demand and Receive: Phyllis Schlafly answers the question: Why is my jaw so sore?
Palin’s Ship in the Harbor: Debra J. Saunders uses nautical metaphors to fantasize about what Todd and Sarah Palin were really doing on that fishing trip.
Putting Liberals on the Couch by Burt Prelutsky.  (Hint: The Secret Ingredient is Chloroform!)
How To Be A Sex Crazed Politician And Survive is simple, according to Rachel Marsden.  Just cheat on your wife with a serial stalker who boasts a history of bizarre behavior, false statements, and multiple restraining orders; that way, when it hits the media, you’re the victim.
How’s the stimulus working for you so far?:  Neal Boortz gives up on attracting a mate and reviews the latest line of high-power, cordless vibrators.
Posted by scott on July 7th, 2009

Sunday Sermonette From The Prevaricatin’ Pastor

Today’s homily will be delivered by the Reverend Mr. Giles, Senior Pastor of Our Lady of the Adjacent Buffet Bar.
DJ Jazzy Jesus, the Fresh Prince of Peace
Yes, believe it or not, Doug has only just now gotten around to thatAction Alert the Traditional Values Coalition sent out at the end of April, claiming the hate crimes legislation moving through Congress is a gag order for fundamentalists and a Bill of Rights for pedophiles and necrophiliacs.
If you’re a twisted adult who gets pleasure from having sex with 5-year-old boys (like Duke University’s Frank Lombard), or you like to shop for dates at the Metro Zoo, or enjoy smearing your body with feces and/or dabbin’ a little urine on your earlobes as you prep for sexy time with the corpse you dressed up like Bette Davis in your basement, then more than likely you are thanking Dionysus and your unclean demon that Liberals are running DC.
…and that Doug Giles is writin’ at Townhall, because usually this kind of niche fetish material is only available from pay sites in the Ukraine.
Yep, with the Liberals in the house your deviant behavior—along with over 500 additional unmentionables—could potentially be legitimized and federally protected against anyone who says you’re a crazy bastard who should undergo chemical castration and have your frontal lobe scraped for your aberrant bents.
I resent Doug’s insinuation that my behavior is both deviant and common, since the only really pervy thing I do is read his column.
In the Ted Kennedy spawned wording of S.909, The Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act, it appears that the public verbalization that one thinks an individual is a bubble off level if engaging in the anomalous and illegal aspects of the bumping of uglies could, in the not too distant future, get the verbalizer in a legal pickle of mammoth portions.
Debunking this will probably feel as stale as Doug’s re-touting it, but just for the record:  The Pastor’s fantasies about mammoth pickles notwithstanding, neither the Senate nor the House version of this bill repeals the First Amendment.
If S.909 gets through, the goobers who like to do odd and often criminal stuff with the gibbering monkey in their pants will be insulated from legitimate insults and criticisms, no matter how true the critique because that’s “hate,” which could, as we’re being told, lead to a crime.
Meanwhile, back in the third dimension, the language of the bill goes out of its way to guarantee the rights of bigots and morons to participate in the public discourse:
“(3) CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTIONS- Nothing in this Act shall be construed to prohibit any constitutionally protected speech, expressive conduct or activities (regardless of whether compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief), including the exercise of religion protected by the First Amendment and peaceful picketing or demonstration. The Constitution does not protect speech, conduct or activities consisting of planning for, conspiring to commit, or committing an act of violence.
(4) FREE EXPRESSION- Nothing in this Act shall be construed to allow prosecution based solely upon an individual’s expression of racial, religious, political, or other beliefs or solely upon an individual’s membership in a group advocating or espousing such beliefs.”
So Doug’s Constitutional right to be a Lincoln Tunnel-sized asshole remains protected, and we can all look forward to many more years of his sermon-like readings from the Urban Dictionary.
As stated, this bill does not just protect Brad and Chad from the supposed “hate speech” of a Rev. John MacArthur, Jr. exposition of Romans 1:18-32.
For those playing along at home, that’s the section of the Bible mandating the death penalty for gossip.
Oh, no. It also pretty much defends all “sexual orientation(s),” “gender,” and “gender identity” flakiness as federally-protected classes—up to 547 types of sexually-twisted behaviors, in all—
I think Doug’s making that 547 figure up, because the number of protected sexual orientations made up by the Traditional Values people was only 30.  In any case, as notes:
“[T]he Traditional Values Coalition makes a false claim when it says that 30 different “sexual orientations” – including pedophilia, incest and exhibitionism as well as homosexuality and heterosexuality are contained in the American Psychiatric Association’s respected reference work, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). This is pure bunk. In its chapter headed “Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders,” DSM-IV explicitly states that sexual orientation “refers to erotic attraction to males, females or both.” It does not include any of the paraphilias (such as pedophilia). Nor is homosexuality (or heterosexuality, for that matter) listed as a sexual disorder in the book.”
Perhaps the most baffling part of this whole brouhaha (say it with me: ha-ha-ha), is the fact that clerics have been living with a federal hate crime law for 40 years without winding up in a barbed wire enclosure:
“The bill pending in the Senate, the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act, as well as the one that passed the House, would expand the existing federal hate crimes statute (which dates from 1968 and addresses crimes motivated by race, color, religion or national origin) by adding to its coverage certain violent crimes motivated by an individual’s gender, disability, sexual orientation or gender identity, and removing a requirement that the victim be engaged in specified federally protected activity (such as voting) at the time of the crime.”
Therefore, Doug, since the FBI doesn’t break down the doors of Christian Identity congregations every time someone preaches that the Sons of Ham have no souls, you’re on pretty safe ground with your homophobia.  But that’s not going to stop you from listing a bunch of criminal acts and claiming they have something to do with your argument is it…
including: • Incest – sex with one’s offspring (a crime, of course)
• Necrophilia – sexual relations with a corpse, also a crime
• Pedophilia – sex with an underage child, another crime
• Zoophilia – bestiality, a crime in numerous states
• Voyeurism – a criminal offense in most states
• Frotteurism – rubbing against an unknown person’s body in public
• Coprophilia – sexual arousal from feces
• Urophilia – sexual arousal from urine
This list glaringly omits the clinical term for hep-talkin’ dudes who are down with the street, but still repressed enough to get a boner from talking about doing naughty things with pee pee and poo poo.  Outside the fever swamp of Doug’s simian-infested Dockers, however, making gay-bashing a federal crime doesn’t somehow make necrophilia legal.
Yes, in the politically correct climate of Obamaland, they don’t want us to—cough—“freak” when Chester passes by sportin’ a pink tutu, unlaced black hiking boots, milk jugs duct-taped to his head, and his left hand spot-welded to his crotch, Wacko Jacko style. I’m sorry. I meant Saint Michael Jackson style.
No offense, Pastor, but if that kind of thing makes you “freak,” then for the sake of your own sanity and continence, I would strongly recommend you don’t stroll around my neighborhood after 9 PM on a Friday.
Oh, and for the one millionth time (cue the balloons), when discussing equal rights for LGBT people, “beastiality” does not constitute a counterargument.  By this point, however, it does qualify as a verbal tic.
If S.909 gets the green light, any public denunciation of a perv boy’s penchants, particularly if it stems from Christians quoting God on the topic, will be verboten verbiage if said legislation blows through with senatorial support.
Time for this week’s Quiz!  Is Doug…
  1. Stupid
  2. A liar
  3. Just stupid enough to think we don’t know he’s lying
  4. Just smart enough to realize Townhall readers are too stupid to care
  5. The Beatles
For more info and to let your senator know you think this bill, which will eradicate common sense, our religious liberties, and the Christians’ freedom of speech, is BS log on to to do something about it.
I recommend mailing them teabags.  That always seems to work.
Posted by scott on July 5th, 2009

Palin’s Family Resigns To Spend More Time With New Alaska Governor

WASILLA, Alaska — In a stunning announcement, Sarah Palin’s children said they will resign from her family in a few weeks.  Speculation has swirled for several months that the Governor’s children would step down if Palin entered the 2012 presidential race, and today’s resignation is being taken by many as a firm indication of Governor Palin’s plans for her political future.  Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell will be inaugurated as her successor at the Governor’s Picnic at Pioneer Park in Fairbanks on Sunday, July 26.  An emotionally choked-up Parnell said he plans to keep all state commissioners, and all children currently serving in the First Family.
In their statement, the Palin children — Spoor, Twig, Benzene, Skeeter, and Scat — said that the “media circus” surrounding their mother made it “difficult to focus on the job to which Alaskans indirectly elected us.”  They concluded by pledging that their forthcoming adoption by Lt. Governor Parnell would “help to restore honor and dignity to the First Family.”

Posted by scott on Friday, July 3rd, 2009 at 1:17 pm.

John Travolta From Hairspray Is Pissed!

Today we’re bringing you a fresh new wingnut, Joan Swirsky.  But although she was heretofore unknown to us, Joan is a woman of no little distinction and accomplishment.  A nurse and “certified psychotherapist,” she’s the author of several books(including Beauty and the Beam: Your Complete Guide to Cosmetic Laser Surgery, and “Mommy, I Want to Kill Myself!”), and has written science and feature articles for The New York Times Long Island section.  Nowadays, she contributes articles to wingnut websites such asCanada Free Press, NewsMax and RenewAmerica.  So, judging by the trajectory of her career, we can once again see the wisdom in Dr. King’s words, “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward batshit crazy.”
On April 15, over a million people — who had already smelled the contaminated coffee of the Obama regime’s galloping socialism-cum-communism-cum totalitarianism — attended thousands of Tea Parties across the country
You know, if someone served me a cup of coffee doctored with socialism, communism, totalitarianism and three helpings of cum, I’d switch to tea too. Or at least ask for some Cremora.
Since then, the Tea Party movement has grown exponentially, with hundreds more taking place on a regular basis and attended by Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, et al — all increasingly horrified at Obama’s breakneck efforts to destroy free-market capitalism, inflict decades of debt on future generations, spit on the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, employ a Hitler-like force of ACORN brown-shirts (read what Dr. Paul L. Williams has to say about them here) to manipulate the census and intimidate critics, compromise our military and intelligence services, and ultimately bring about a caliphate of repressive Muslim (Sharia) “law” to the United States of America.
Wow, that’s quite a sentence.  I don’t have time to get through the whole thing now, but I’m planning to throw that sentence in my beach bag and finish it over the summer.
Sure enough, a day before the Tax Day demonstrations — which Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the “president” knew nothing about — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a fatwa…
Oh, so we’re under Sharia “law” already?  Damn, that Caliph Obama is sneaky.  Well, at least Joan can make rude gestures from under her burqa and Grand Vizier Clinton will never know.
…that declared the extraordinarily peaceful Tea Party attendees de factor “domestic terrorists” — including our military!
That’s why we keep losing wars — our military’s too peaceful!
As radio host Dr. Laurie Roth has written: “That offensive and lying list ended up targeting two-thirds of the country, certainly those who love their freedom, Constitution, and God.”
I might take issue with the timeliness of an article on last April’s Teabaggings, but choosing to demonize the DHS report on right wing extremists after two high profile killings by right wing extremists shows that Joan has her finger firmly on the pulse of America’s medical school cadavers.  Anyway, like her fellow journalist, John L. Perry, Joan also believes the secret to award-winning writing is lists of Obama’s crimes against white, Judeo-Christian humanity, in this case ranging from with the weirdly ungrammatical (“Genuflects like an obsequies toady to an Arab potentate”) to the vaguely hematological (“Proves daily that appeasement to America’s enemies runs thick in his Leftist blood”).  Seventeen charges in all, but Joan is showwoman enough to leave the rubes wanting more, for “[a]s readers of my articles have read before, this is the short list!”
The majority of Americans — including the Obama constituency of Blacks, Hispanics, gays, feminists, and liberal pundits, et al. — are now having Buyer’s Remorse!
Oh thank goodness!  From the symptoms, I thought it was something serious, like Drunkard’s Itch, or Scrivener’s Palsy.
But for most people, when they consider what this alien hybrid of a Manchurian Candidate and Trojan Horse has done in five short months to bankrupt our country and everyone in it, it clear that this “president” is the worst thing that has ever happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave.
As anyone who’s read Better Living Through Bad Moviesknows, s.z. and I have watched a lot — a lot — of post-apocalyptic movies, and I have to say, as post-apocalypses go, this is a trifle disappointing.  Where’s the barbaric splendor?  Where’s the creatively mutated, fur-clad survivors?  The futuristic domed city states?  The hot cyborg assassinatrixes who are mankind’s last, best hope against an influx of genocidal aliens?  Are you saying we get a minority ownership position in the automobile manufacturing industry and a switch to digital TV, and that’s it?  What kind of crappy apocalypse is this?
Or maybe it’s just that America is only mostly dead, because according to Joan, “citizens have been hard at work in heroic efforts to save America from the catastrophe known as Obama.”  These efforts spawn another list, including local wingnuts pushing “state sovereignty legislation through to reclaim States Rights under the Ninth and Tenth Amendments,” which I suspect will have the same transformative effect upon our system of government as those abstinence pledges have had upon America’s youth.  Additionally, you won’t be surprised to learn that:
A Grand Jury effort is underway to force Obama to open up the birth, college and passport records he has spent a million bucks to keep sealed and secret.
Numerous lawsuits are pending in numerous courts demanding that Obama make his life‚”transparent” for all to see, all of them convinced that he cannot pass Constitutional muster for the office he holds.
TheTotalWoman.jpgIf the court orders Obama to “make his life,’transparent’ for all to see,” he’ll likely be forced to greet dignitaries and heads of state at the door of the White House clad only in a sheath of Saran Wrap.  While this represents a significant departure from protocol, it could, as Marabel Morgan explained inThe Total Woman, add desperately needed sizzle to our foreign policy, and help our erstwhile allies fall back in love with us.
Speaking of which, today is our wedding anniversary, so Mary and I are off to hike the Appalachian Trail.  Catch ya later.
Posted by scott on July 1st, 2009

My One And Only Comment On Michael Jackson

Just heard a rumor that Michael Jackson’s body will lie in state at the Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles, which seems both vainglorious and inadequate.  I mean, if they’re going to go that far, why don’t they just crack the seal on Lenin’s Snow White-style glass sarcophagus in Red Square and lay the King of Pop out alongside the Founding Father of Bolshevism (it is, after all, a two seater — Vlad used to bunk with Stalin — and Jacko’s pallor will make Lenin’s dull waxy build-up look like a healthy, George Hamiltonian tan).  Meanwhile, Karl Malden, one of filmdom’s finest character actors, has not been invited to lie in state at any major metropolitan arena, although the manager of Bullwinkle’s Restaurant & Family Fun Center in Tukwila, WA has offered to let the Academy Award-winner’s corpse cool on the air hockey table, as long as it’s gone by Sunday, because they’re having a birthday party.

Via our friend capconnundrum.
 Just heard a rumor that Michael Jackson’s body will lie in state at the Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles, which seems both vainglorious and inadequate.  I mean, if they’re going to go that far, why don’t they just crack the seal on Lenin’s Snow White-style glass sarcophagus in Red Square and lay the King of Pop out alongside the Founding Father of Bolshevism (it is, after all, a two seater — Vlad used to bunk with Stalin — and Jacko’s pallor will make Lenin’s dull waxy build-up look like a healthy, George Hamiltonian tan).  Meanwhile, Karl Malden, one of filmdom’s finest character actors, has not been invited to lie in state at any major metropolitan arena, although the manager of Bullwinkle’s Restaurant & Family Fun Center in Tukwila, WA has offered to let the Academy Award-winner’s corpse cool on the air hockey table, as long as it’s gone by Sunday, because they’re having a birthday party.
Via our friend capconnundrum.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Putting The Ass In Class

When we last dropped in on Newsmax’s John L. Perry, he was promoting the notion that Barack Obama is Pinocchio, a prevaricating puppet whose strings are pulled by mysterious, unseen hands. This week, the Newsmax pundit has not only promoted the President to Real Live Boy, he’s crowned him The Emperor Jones.
Now that he’s president, Barack Obama has new clothes, even if they don’t always fit. What he still lacks is class. Tailors can’t fix that.
Although some tailors can create the illusion of good breeding through the cunning use of darts.
Before, during, and since the president’s elevation to his stratospheric altitude in the vault of the heavens, he has been adorned in an unprecedented array of resplendent raiments of praise befitting his One-ness.
This is probably a good time to remind our readers that John L. Perry is “a prize-winning newspaper editor and writer”.
If he appears at times to be in contradiction, or inconsistency, with his One-ness, it only appears that this is so. For, by contemporary wisdom, that is an entirely admirable attribute of his being The One. And since he is, he can be no other. Nor can any other be he. Thus, whatever he is at any given moment in time, he can nowise be in contradiction thereof.
Guys?  Please stop passing the joint to Mr. Perry.
Who, not being of status anywhere close to that of The One, can possibly say otherwise? If you ain’t been there yourself, you just ain’t been.
Among Mr. Perry’s awards is the PEN American Center Prize, given each year to the best translation of Khalil Gibran into jive.
But, lesser ones still might ask, “If all that the general public (a.k.a. the masscomm audience) can see are his new clothes, and if there’s no there there, how can anyone tell if what’s not there is class?”
Since the president’s degree of déclassé is not a topic tolerated for public observation or discussion, this seeming conundrum must be approached silently, in solitude, and behind closed doors after the children are abed or safely watching smut on television.
In other words, once your penis has passed it’s Sell By date, masturbation is replaced by long nights spent pacing the Bonus Room, grousing about the uppity Negroes in the White House.
Under those conditions, how, if the president has no class, is his populace to know what he’s doing that is classless? It’s a bit like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s celebrated dictum non-defining hard-core pornography: “I know it when I see it.”
Actually Mr. Perry, a little hardcore pornography might be healthier for you than running through the streets, wild-eyed and sweaty like Kevin McCarthy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and shouting at passing cars that Obama’s classlessness is invisible to the naked eye!
So, the answer is that if the president’s classlessness is observed, it must be without comment about:
And then Mr. Perry furnishes a litany of indictable offenses against classiness, including:
  • The way he walks, the way he talks, the way he looks down his nose.
The way he wears his hat.  The way he sips his tea.
  • The way he hasn’t learned to tie a four-in-hand necktie like the men do.
The President, as we’ve all seen, confines himself to those big floppy bows preferred by power-dressing women executives in the 1980s.
  • The haughty way he fakes erudition off his teleprompter screens and proffers profundities on subjects in which he lacks credentials.
  • The way he says, “as I’ve said before,” when he hasn’t.
These sound less like complaints about the President of the United States, and more the kind of daily irritants that come up during couples counseling.
  • The way he jumps down, spins around, picks a new position
Then picks a bale of cotton.  Yeah, we get it, John.  We get it.

Posted by scott on Monday, June 29th, 2009 at 1:52 pm

How Much False Witness Can You Bear?

It’s been awhile since we’ve checked in with Doug Giles, Townhall columnist, Hemingwayesque Big Game botherer, jive talkin’ internet radio host, and Bishop of the Residence Inn of Aventura, FL.
Its like the Gospel of Jesus Christ as preached by the Sham-Wow guy.
This week, Pastor Giles has entered some sort of extreme sports competition, in which the apparent goal is to pack as many pre-debunked wingnut talking points as possible into an 800-word column.  Let’s grab a Mountain Dew and see how he does…
Obama said in his latest hem-hawing, foreign policy bloviating, what-the-hell-is-he-talkin’-about press conference that “we need to have a vigorous debate” regarding Iran’s current tyrannical Muslim-based governmental crushing of young people who desire a touch of freedom.
We need to debate? “We” who, BHO?
Good question, Doug.  Let’s go to the transcript…Unfortunately, I can’t find any evidence that Obama uttered those words during his June 23 press conference, and while Google doesn’t want to come right out and call bullshit on a minister, it does strongly imply that your only source for the quote seems to be your own first paragraph.
So Pastor Giles’s prevarications are coming on strong, right out of the gate, but will he be able to maintain the pace?
I’m guessin’ he is talking about American liberals and conservatives because—from what I can deduce from the YouTube vids—it appears as if the Iranian dissidents aren’t looking for lively banter with the death dealing, lying through coffee-stained teeth religious whack jobs who look like a group of angry, homeless Santa Clauses on crack.
I’m not sure this qualifies as a falsehood, but the non sequitur about coffee-stained teeth suggests Doug has founded a radical new school in the art of public invective — an intriguing fusion of surrealism and the Book of Mormon.
FYI to the Whitehouse: Ayatollahs, mullahs, and Ahmadinejads don’t discuss stuff.
Which is why they’ve outlawed cocktail parties in Iran.  The lack of small talk made things awkward as they all just stood around, listlessly spearing Vienna Franks out of the chafing dish.
They shoot you in the face.
I don’t blame people for objecting to Obama’s secret Muslim faith.  At least Mullah Cheney was upfront about it.
Uncut Islam doesn’t debate; it deals death to dissenters and, it seems, Mohammed is cool with that. Jesus isn’t okay with it, but Mohammed is.
Wow.  Your god’s a wuss.
From what I’ve seen, historically speaking, a vigorous and beneficial chat is the perk that a Judeo-Christian based nation, which has an armed citizenry, gets to enjoy.
Pssst!  Doug!  Look behind you — it’s Great Britain!
Oppressive, mucked-up Muslim nations like Iran don’t argue about their bogus elections or dictates with intelligent, liberty-loving, non step-n-fetch rebels.
As stated, they pistol whip them, split their skulls with a night stick, drag non-compliant co-eds around by their scalps, or simply pull out their guns and double tap the center mass of the unarmed non-compliants.
God only knows what we’re going find out about the June 24th, 2009 massacre in Baharestan square. I heard they used axes and threw protestors off pedestrian bridges.
Ah . . . Islam in action. How peaceful. What an awesome religion.
Y’know, after watching the past two weeks of Ayatollahs Gone Wild, slamming their zealous fists on their podiums, spewing more propaganda than Robert Gibbs does during his weekly presser, and pummeling any and all dissenting voices, I’m sure many people around the world are lining up to become Muslims and move to a country governed by mullahs. It looks fun, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a little bloody and oppressive and all, but hey . . . nobody is perfect.
It must be nice to live in la-la-land where trees are made of chocolate, where cigarettes fall from heaven, where you can print trillions of dollars and idiots approve it, where your administration can Pac Man the private sector, tax the crap out of our people, rob their health care, hard sell us bogus energy bills, while gutting the constitution—a place where you get to be the leader of the most powerful place on the planet simply because you can read a mean teleprompter.
And it’s called…Crawford, Texas.
I don’t believe the Iranians who’d like a free election (shame on them) want us to mediate a spicy round table spat. I think they desire a little more. I think they want us to meddle on a Guns & Ammo type level.
Exactly, they’d like us to sell them magazine subscriptions.  Why, I remember when I freed Myanmar singlehandedly by selling them twelve issues of GRIT!
Thus the protest signs in English. Kinda seems odd they’d go English with their placards if they didn’t want our attention and involvement.
Sure, even though “English is the most widely taught and understood language in the world, and sometimes is described as a lingua franca” I’m sure they were totally making eyes at us.
I, for one, believe that we should meddle in such slave states. The “we” I believe that should intervene is the old America spelled with a “c” and not the new Amerika spelled with a “k”.
Obama’s secret plan calls for using the poor man’s Red Dawn to rally the nation’s dormant Soviet fifth Column.
The reason I think it’s a good thing Obama and his admin stays the hell out of this Iranian throw down is two fold: If the young Iranians can topple their crap government, it’ll be a real morale boost, eh? I know it was for America’s founding fathers, God bless ‘em.
Wait — so we shouldn’t give them all gift subscriptions to Guns And Ammo?  Now I’m totally lost…is he lying here, or just babbling?  My scorecard is a mess…
Secondly, if I were a Neda in Iran, I wouldn’t trust Obama as far as I could spit a loogie. Why? Well, it seems as if he has a soft spot for Muslim terrorists.
During Back to the Future, a young Obama was known to stand up in the theater and totally root for the Libyans.
Finally, mad to props to GWB for spawning hope for free elections in the heart of young Iranians as they watched their next-door neighbors enjoy real democracy in Iraq.
I’ll go farther: insane propellers to GWB for showing the Iranians that if it ain’t got car bombs and sectarian violence, it ain’t democracy.
Posted by scott on June 27th, 2009