The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

I Hereby Declare War On The War On Christmas

Still on deadline, so posting may be a bit spotty over the next few days, but I wanted to get a head start on our annual Holiday Movie Special.  Last year, as you may recall, it was Disney’s instant non-classic, One Magic Christmas, while in 2006 we all gathered ’round the Yule log and choked down the perennial and inescapable It’s A Wonderful Life.  So what’s it going to be this year?  Please toss a list of your least-loved holiday classics into the comments, and we’ll select one to receive the Better Living Through Bad Moviestreatment on Christmas Day.
And as the lisping Zuzu once so adorably remarked, “Teacher says, every time you hear a bell ring, another capillary explodes in Bill O’Reilly’s nose.”

Posted by scott on Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008 at 7:21 pm.

30 Responses to “I Hereby Declare War On The War On Christmas”

I vote for the christmas that almost wasn’t
As far as I’m concerned, there can only be two possible choices:
“The Christmas Shoes”, a made-for-tv movie based on the Worst. Christmas Song. Ever:
OR its sequal(!), “The Christmas Blessing”
Rather provocative trunk on that tree, don’t you think?
“every time you hear a bell ring, another capillary explodes in Bill O’Reilley’s nose.”
Ring them bells!
As many as you can find!
C’mon. Polar Express. Or Jack Frost. Because cheesy isn’t enough, it must also be creepy as fuck.
Well, I just saw most of (haven’t quite finished it) Holiday Inn, and the blackface number is enough to bin it for me. That may be just me, but Bing Crosby dressed as Lincoln while in blackface is just too much for anyone to bear.
I remember sometime in the 1970s being subjected to a TV show called a White Christmas with Pat Boone (or something similar)for several years in a row. I still bear the psychological scars today.
I don’t know, but after my impassioned plea for It’s A Wonderful Life, I can’t say I find any of the older movies so egregious to warrant inclusion. Holiday Inn is a decent film EXCEPT for the blackface (by WWII they should’ve known better), and Fred Astaire is certainly a better dancer/rival than White Christmas’ Danny Kaye. As creepy as I find Der Bingle IRL, he is entertaining enough.
There is this film they run incessantly on TCM in December called Christmas in Connecticut (1945), which is one of those jaw-droppingly sexist postwar Get-back-in-the-kitchen-bitch “comedies”, where Barbara Stanwyck plays a New York food writer who can’t even boil water, and claims to be married with a farm in Connecticut, taking care of the kiddies to make the illusion complete. Hilarity ensues as she’s got to convince the owner of the mag what a marvel she is by bringing a returning sailor to her “farm” to have dinner with her and the family, and to use the visit as a spread for the magazine. If it wasn’t for the sexist theme, it’d be a decent movie, but like many of the other comedies of that era, this is another postwar film that wants to put a woman back pumping out babies and in the kitchen, and get them the hell out of the workforce.
Other than that one, if I have to pick a modern movie, it’d be Jack Frost.
How about something for the non-Christmas celebraters among us? I hear Eight Crazy Nights is woefully horrendous, and any opportunity to hate on Adam Sandler always makes my holiday happy.
Really, it doesn’t matter.
After seeing *any* Xmas movie a gazillion times, driven by the persistant demands of toddlers, they all start to get pretty surreal.
I could tell you about the “alternate conclusion” to Snosty the Froman the Snoman, inspired by Starship Troopers…
But really, you *don’t want to know*.
Best to nuke them from space. It’s the only way to be sure.
D. Sidhe, if we’re talking “creepy as fuck”, nothing rivals the live-action remake of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. Not only did it manage to take a holiday classic and suck all the charm and humour out of it, it actually won an Oscar for “Best Makeup” despite the fact that the makeup rendered everyone completely grotesque (except the little girl, who’s the one tolerable element in it).
This movie was so horrible that it actually scared my then three-year-old nephew. Having been told it was supposed to be “funny”, he quite indignantly answered, “This is NOT funny!”
I can’t think of a better reccomendation than that. :)
(I had a feeling I spelled that wrong.)
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.
“The Christmas Sweater comes to life in more than 420 movie theatres nationwide LIVE on Wednesday, Dec. 17th and taped encore on Thursday, Dec. 18th…
Author, radio and television personality Glenn Beck reveals his softer side during this “living play” that features theatrical animation, specially-created projections and a powerful Christmas musical score.”
I don’t watch any Christmas “special” except the original “Charlie Brown Christmas” and the original “Grinch.” I can’t even bear “A Christmas Story” anymore and I used to love it. (sigh)
I remember as a kid watching some made for TV horror flick on Christmas Eve after church. My Dad made me turn it off proclaiming it inappropriate for Christmas. For awhile I thought it was “Black Christmas” (1974) but that was made for theaters, and this was a made-for TV movie. I still wonder what it was.
This foray of Glen Beck into the local movie screens has resulted in my never, ever going to their theatres again, period. Being subjected to that hate-filled, egotistical fuckwit in the previews like he was some sort of normal person sealed that one for me for good, or until this incarnation goes Chapter 11 (again), and then they’ll get another chance.
I just watched the old Rankin-Bass “Rudolf” last night, and was struck by how much the residents of “Christmas Town” (a.k.a. the North Pole) are complete assholes. Even Santa is pretty much of a dick. The head elf is a Nazi.
I think this could provide sufficient fodder for a decent parody.
This is easy. As much as I despise “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the gender confused remake (with Marlo Thomas in the Jimmy Stewart role) is even worse. It’s called “It Happened One Christmas.”
Yea, verily, the projectile vomiting has begun at Chez Dave as he hunkers down on the home front, settling the fireplace ablaze and settling in for teevee fun. (Maybe it’s too much cheap wine, but I digress…)
The classics never seem to fade, at least far enough away. Just as one thinks that the bucket has been emptied and all the good ideas poured out, one finds that Mister Danny Devito is the gift that keeps on giving. First it was Deck the Halls bullshit, now it’s some crap-ass animated thing showing on network airtime this very week!
“Can you feel the excitement growing over Nothing sez true holiday joy like an animated reprise of a cranky cabbie in my book!
growing over: “Little Spirit: Xmas in NYC”
damn, that makes me seem less lucid than I’d like you to believe…
There is that old old story (horribly colorized by T Turner)set in NY where the little girl doesn’t believe in Santa…but then Santa appears, or something. He gets a job at a Dept store. For some reason Personell doesn’t like him and tries to have him incarcerated for… something. Drama resolved in a courtroom by lawyers for defense dumping a truckload of “letters to Santa” in front of the judge. Does he send everyone to jail? No.
“Miracle on 29th Street”. Or something.
Oh hands down, the least watchable Christmas movie is a current release “Four Christmases”.
“An American Carol”.
Nuff said.
Kathy: It is “Miracle on 34th” street. The original was made in the forties and is a great movie starring the young Natalie Wood. It has been remade several times, none as good as the original. There is one version in the public domain and viewable in its entirety here:
Jim Carey’s verison of the Grinch….. annoying as hell
“Mystery Science Theatre 3000″ already did the definitive takedown of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”, as I’m sure scott would point out. Watching it (over and over) has become an annual tradition for me since I got the DVD um…three years ago? Can’t remember.
I’d also steer clear of the Mexican children’s film “Santa Claus”, that was also done on MST3K (unfortunately NOT available on DVD yet) Actually, as bad as it is, it’s weirdly enjoyable-even the gang on the show said so.
TGYDBHTM (if I may call you that), I’ve been suggestion that horrible Grinch movie every year and scott and s.z. have shyed away from it, understandably. Those of you who have not experienced this crime against Dr. Seuss and children’s entertainment may want to know that tomorrow night (Friday), ABC is airing it for all to “enjoy”. If you’re curious to know just how bad it is, tune in…
I might vote for the Grinch movie if I’d ever seen it. I don’t want to, though. Jim Carrey and grotesque makeup just make things doubly sickening, and I generally stay away from kid’s movies. That’s why I always aim at Christmas movies made ostensibly for adults. I just wish I could think of more of them that are really bad. I mean It’s A Wonderful Life bad.
As much as I despise “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the gender confused remake (with Marlo Thomas in the Jimmy Stewart role) is even worse. It’s called “It Happened One Christmas.”
Left by RobNYNY on December 4th, 2008
Yes. If nothing else, there’s a scene during the Pottersville dream/altuniv., in which Marlo gets all tarted up as a sidewalk hostess, that I found very, well, stimulating.
And: What do you think of the interpretation of IAWL that Capra meant that the real world/America was Pottersville, & that Bedford Falls was the fantasy?
Jim Carrey aggravates my PTSD and makes me twitch, so I can understand the reluctance on the part of sane people to view it. “Eight Crazy Nights” did indeed suck, of course, and would be a lovely choice. Have you guys done “Jingle All The Way”?
Can I put in an early bid for next year when “Silent Night, Zombie Night” is allegedly due out?

Travel Day

Normal blogging should resume tomorrow.  Assuming the swelling goes down…

Posted by scott on Sunday, November 30th, 2008 at 8:47 am.

16 Responses to “Travel Day”

Shit howdy, boy, looks like you died and gone to heaven.
Shit howdy, boy, looks like you died and gone to heaven.
I think you get my point…
[nose in air, vainly concealing embarassment of having double-clicked “submit”]
Okay I get that the blue shape is supposed to be a “man” but what is that pink thing?
…but what is that pink thing?
I think it’s supposed to be an example of abstract expressionism, sculpted in silicone, of play-doh and bacon.
But with abstract expressionism, you can never quite be sure.
…but what is that pink thing?
The model for the chick from Day By Day?
My own hope this holiday season is that some day acts of love will become so common that the world will take little notice.
Doghouse, dear, only tourists are shocked on Bourbon Street, and that’s not for very long, unless they’re total rubes.
I’m saddened and disappointed to see the new Big Daddy’s sign, though. It’s been that long since I’ve been home. Big Daddy’s has never been even vaguely “respectable,” but it was always a very interesting titty-bar, and the women you met there were always a hoot to talk to (especially the ones working on their doctorates or master’s degrees), though it was depressing when you got to see their pimp/dealer boyfriends. They all go to the Dungeon after the titty bars close, so I’ve met most of them, when they can take off the ankle-breaking hooker heels and be real people.
But the “live sex acts” angle is a definite descent for Big Daddy’s. That’s more like the Onyx or the late, non-lamented Unisex, and they were fucking SCUM. Seriously. Scum on the floors so thick, you could lose a shoe. You never wanted to sit down on ANY surface in those joints. Big Daddy’s used to be a decent working-class titty bar, but apparently has changed hands a couple of times since I left, especially after Katrina. They couldn’t compete with the carpetbagging out-of-town “gentleman’s clubs,” with the shipped-in “talent” and the buffets and the clean floors; who can compete with the mafia? Just another sign of the times, and a sad one. Once they go to hiring hairless little junkie boys to simulate fucking the bony crack girls, it’s over. There is no joy in Mudville today.
I know that this sounds funny or stupid to anybody who never worked in the Quarter, but titty bars were a huge part of the economy, since the end of prohibition and the demise of Storyville. Oh, sure, they market the “family friendly” end of Canal Street, with the aquarium, etc., but the real money comes from booze, tits and ass, and fleecing teh tourists. If Reagan & Bush Sr. hadn’t destroyed the independent oil industry in this state(like Standard Oil really had any competition), our primary source of income wouldn’t come from sweatshops/unregulated industry and whoring ourselves out to tourists.
And there goes tonight’s wet blanket report. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled amusements.
“If Reagan & Bush Sr. hadn’t destroyed the independent oil industry in this state
Now you piqued my curiosity Annti, I had always wondered why New Orleans and all down there was so damn poor when they their oil. I’m going to have to do some reading I guess.
Is it a throbbing, pulsing swelling, Scott, the kind that only the loving of a hard, I mean, good woman can assuage?
Yes, I ghostwrote Newt’s book…
Kate, to oversimplify, Reagan moved all of Louisiana’s oil & gas industries to Houston.
Three guesses which VP of Ronald Reagan benefitted most?
It sort of makes sense, in a weird way, that Texas would want to eliminate competition from a state with far lower labor costs.
It seems the Reagan “legacy” just won’t go away. Thanks Actor, as my intentions don’t match my time.
Well, Kate, in one ironic twist of fate, it may have been a good thing he did, because, you know, Katrina…that might have wiped out the American oil and gas industry for decades.
I often think of the highways when driving down them, imagine them cracked with weeds growing up in between, with bicycles and electric cars quietly clicketing and whirring along, people walking saying hello, maybe a dog or a horse plodding along with them and a train whizzing down the middle of the two opposing freeways.
But I’m a dreamer like that.
I’m sure if the oil and gas industries were in Katrina the levees would have been far stronger far earlier.
Good point.
Geez Scott, hasn’t the swelling gone done yet?