The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.
Showing posts with label Sentient Mustaches. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sentient Mustaches. Show all posts

Friday, May 20, 2011

Sociological Research the Stossel Way!

John Stossel’s latest episode of TV “investigative journalism” has revealed that liberals are cheap. Here’s the Corner’s Jack Fowler to distill the Stossel wisdom into one paragraph:
Liberals Are Cheap! [Jack Fowler]
John Stossel’s 20/20 special last night – “Cheap in America” – was a great program, as usual for him, and had a wonderful segment comparing charitable giving between Red and Blue states, pitting Salvation Army bell-ringers in San Francisco (in front of a Macy’s) versus Sioux Falls, SD (in front of a Wal-Mart). At the end of the day, the folks in Sioux Falls’ had given twice as much money as Nancy Pelosi’s constituents. More of Stossel on conservative generosity/liberal cheapness here.
And by going to “here,” we can learn how John himself explains his research methodology:
To test what types of people give more, “20/20″ went to two very different parts of the country, with contrasting populations: Sioux Falls, S.D. and San Francisco, Calif. The Salvation Army set up buckets at the busiest locations in each city — Macy’s in San Francisco and Wal-Mart in Sioux Falls. Which bucket collected more money?
Well, Jack already revealed the surprise, but it’s clear that Stossel’s little experiment conclusively proved that liberals are cheap – after all, there’s no other explanation for why a bell-ringer in Sioux City would collect more than one in San Francisco . . . except that maybe San Franciscans objected to the religious discrimination the Salvation Army practices against its employees, and so chose to give their charitable contributions to other groups. Or maybe the San Franciscans give their contributions to the SA via payroll deduction or generous checks mailed to the regional office, and didn’t give anything more to the bell-ringer because they don’t carry around cash. Or any of a number of other reasons.

But considering these variables wouldn’t help Stossel to do what he set out to do: prove that it’s a big, stupid myth that liberals “care more about the less fortunate” than conservatives do. After all, that’s what makes great TV.

Anyway, tune in next time when Stossel will demolish the myth that liberals are smarter than conservatives by stopping passers-by outside the Macy’s in San Francisco and the Hooter in Midland, Texas, and quizzing them on NASCAR trivia.

Posted by s.z. on Friday, December 1st, 2006 at 4:42 am

24 Responses to “Sociological Research the Stossel Way!”

Yeah? Fucking tell that to Annti, you fuckwit Stossel. You don’t get to define charity, and you sure as hell don’t get to define helping out people with needs, ’cause you don’t believe in either, you libertarian toad, and you sure the fuck don’t believe in a social safety net.
Liberals are some of the most generous people I know, and they are *thoughtfully* generous. They think about who needs help and how to provide it, and they actually make an effort to do it, rather than tossing their register change in a bucket as an afterthought because they just spent five hundred bucks in the mall and don’t like having forty eight cents rattling in their pockets. Can’t you feel the compassion?
Personally, I can’t tell if he’s getting stupider or nastier or both, but God knows he’s making even less sense than he ever used to.
That would be the “Hooters.” They almost alway appear in pairs.
Of the top 25 states where people give an above average percent of their income, 24 were red states in the last presidential election.
This is utter horseshit on so many levels. God only knows where Stossel and his enablers like Arthur Brooks get their stats, but the only reliable data I’m aware of that tracks charitable giving as percentage of income is tax returns. According to the National Center for Charitable Statistics, (see the pdf file for 2004 for example) the average percent of income for charitable contributions for the U.S. is 2.4%. There were only 15 states with a higher than average percent (16 if you count D.C. at #2) and at least a third of these are certifiably Blue. (Note, this data eliminates non-itemized returns altogether.)
Moreover, as reflected in the #1 state, Utah, charitable giving includes church contributions, and this will skew any percentage, especially in areas where people tithe upwards of 15% or more of their annual income. Plus, in actual total dollar amounts of giving, the Blue states, and urban areas in particular, have it all over the Red.
Not to mention that Stossel has previously agreed with Cypress Semiconductor CEO and über-liberloon, T.J. Rogers’ expressed opinion that charitable giving is immoral when it is much more altruistic to use the money for captal investment that will allegedly create jobs.
Stossel is a fucking liar, in every respect. Nothing more.
(Sorry to be so lengthy, but I really loathe the creep.)
Not to mention that there might be just a few more Salvation Army bell-ringers in San Francisco than there are in Sioux Falls, and there might be a few other opportunities to give a couple of bucks to either organised charities or even directly to people in SF. Unless Stossel managed to shut down all charitable activities in both cities during his little experiment.
Ugh. What an idiot.
I don’t carry a lot of cash when I’m in a big city- and as fuyura says, there are lots more opportunities to give. I took names from the Salvation Army Silver Angel Tree, 2 kids and one “Grandpa”. Now I live in Nevada, but used to live in SF. A lovely, fun city.
I actually make it a point to avoid the bell ringers, if only because it’s annoying and contrived. So Stossel’s got me there. Someday, maybe he’ll ask about my other charitable giving. I doubt it tho; it wouldn’t fit into his perfect little red/blue picture. Can’t have that now, can we?
Forbes says Stoessel’s a liar. (surprise, surprise) Their list of the top ten states for charitable giving:
1) Utah (red)
2) Maryland (blue)
3) New York (blue)
4) Connecticut (blue)
5) California (blue)
6) Hawaii (blue)
7) New Jersey (blue)
8) Georgia (red)
9) S. Carolina (red)
10) N. Carolina (red)
Final tally: 6 blue, 4 red.
I used to give to the SA, but not after I found out that they spend a lot of money loobbying against anti-discrimination legislation. Sorry, but that’s not where I want my money to go. I iwsh some other organization stood out on the street so I could throw them a few bucks, however.
:::blushing astonishingly daintily:::
Awww, D…. You do my heart such good… but then, you and those magical cranes are works of wonder from another universe, as it is. And I feel highly privileged to know you all.
Now, granted, I am highly offended by the way that the Salvation Army has been known to shove bibles down the throats of the homeless as they’re ponying-up the sandwiches, not to mention that they DO discriminate against non-christians in employment, just like those nazi cocksuckers at Chik-Fil-A (I love their ad campaigns, but I hate their guts).
BUT: Even as the most stringent and fervent atheist that I know, I cannot forget that, while the American Red Cross was pulling their puddins in hotel rooms in LaPlace, Louisiana, for SIX FUCKING DAYS, while awaiting *permission* from the STIL-VACATIONING King George to go into Jefferson, Orleans, and St. Bernard Parishes — The Salvation Army food wagons and all their volunteers were in there, THE DAY THAT THE STORM HIT. And they STAYED. The WHOLE FUCKING TIME. They never “bugged out” with all of the other late evacuees from Charity Hospital and every other source of help/comfort/food (except for Andrea from getyouracton.com & her dear hubby & their animal-rescue & soup-kitchen in the 9th Ward).
So, while I will never patronize the Salvation Army or their bell-ringers if I can help it (although they used to have a KILLER thrift store on Jefferson Highway, but it’s long gone, unfortunately), and I do not support their xian bigotry that they think is “exempt” from EEOC laws or enforcement — I will never forget that they were THERE in New Orleans when nobody else was.
Please return to your discussion, I just hadda throw my two cents’ worth in.
And yes, the Leolathon is still in progress, kids. Please keep passing the good word for us, will y’all? She’s going to Shreveport to see that specialist on Tuesday, so cross yer fingers, light yer candles, make wishes to the fairie wood sprites, whatever works. Hopefully after that, we’ll have a more accurate idea of what can really realistically be done, which program/hospital will best suited for her needs, and when we can get the surgery to actually HAPPEN.
And tell Stossel and his pseudo-libertarian trolls to stick THAT in their porno moustaches and smoke it.
The simplest explanation is that Wal-mart had more traffic than Macy’s that day, and so there were more people to drop money in their buckets.
I give only to secular charities.
I think I did one of my first-year college students a grave disservice. He recently wrote a paper where he used one outside source and some loose and very loaded personal observations as his data. Instead of explaining that he needed more research to make his case (which, unlike Stoessel’s, was pretty interesting) and he needed to rethink his support, I should have told him he was now qualified to take over John Stoessel’s job (well, he still needs to grow the moustache and become considerably dumber).
Stossel’s methodology is flawless, his conclusions incontrovertible.
Did I mention I ride a unicorn, and have the power of invisibility?
Ha, you can’t see me!
“I can’t tell if he’s getting stupider or nastier”(D. Sidhe)
Well, that nastier he gets, the stupider he gets.
Fair enough. Actually, I would think the most logical explanation is that people aren’t mostly buying Cheez Whiz and CDs at Macy’s and therefore tend to put stuff on the credit card. Coming out of Wal*Mart, odds are good you’ll have more change in your pocket than you did when you went in. Last I looked, bellringers don’t take Visa.
Really, all this proves is that liberals are *smarter* than conservatives, or at least smarter than John Stossel and Jack Fowler.
Annti, I got your card. :-) You know it’s going to take freaking *forever* to hang those, right? There’s a reason I don’t string the damned things. *Way* too much work.
I sort of assumed, for the record, that Stossel wouldn’t give a fuck about abandoned animals, which is a shame, since S.Z. is one of the most generous people I know, too.
My midwestern heart just wants to point out to Tbogg that “Sioux City” is in Iowa and “Sioux Falls” is in South Dakota. I know they are both in fly-by-land for you librul coastal, latte-sipping, Macys-shopping folks in San Diego/Fransciso/Antonio and other places with major sport franchises but we like to keep them distinct.
OK, back to bashing the Idiot With The ‘Stache.
Erm, as a former South Dakotan I have to partially corroborate what jpj just said, but also correct it. Sioux City has a presence in Iowa and South Dakota. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, there’s a part of the city that’s in Nebraska too.
Macy’s in San Francisco and Walmart in Sioux Falls? Walmart is pretty much the only place to go in Sioux Falls (there’s a Target too, but they don’t have the bell ringers any more).
The only thing Stossel did was just prove once again what a tool he is.
Conservatives, especially religious conservatives give a larger PERCENTAGE of their income to charity. Check your facts based on Percentage of Income not total dollar amount by state. Also, you might want to read the book by Arthur C. Brooks. “Who Really Cares: The Surprising Truth about Compassionate Conservatism ” to see some hard facts about this issue.
Book Description
Surprising proof that conservatives really are more compassionate–and more generous–than liberals
We all know we should give to charity, but who really does? Approximately three-quarters of Americans give their time and money to various charities, churches, and causes; the other quarter of the population does not. Why has America split into two nations: givers and non-givers?
Arthur Brooks, a top scholar of economics and public policy, has spent years researching this trend, and even he was surprised by what he found. In Who Cares, he demonstrates conclusively that conservatives really are compassionate-far more compassionate than their liberal foes. Strong families, church attendance, earned income (as opposed to state-subsidized income), and the belief that individuals, not government, offer the best solution to social ills-all of these factors determine how likely one is to give.
Charity matters–not just to the givers and to the recipients, but to the nation as a whole. It is crucial to our prosperity, happiness, health, and our ability to govern ourselves as a free people. In Who Cares, Brooks outlines strategies for expanding the ranks of givers, for the good of all Americans.
About the Author
Arthur C. Brooks is professor of public administration at Syracuse University’s Maxwell School of Citizenship and Public Affairs. He is the author of numerous articles and books on topics relating to charity and civic life, and his work appears frequently in the Wall Street Journal and other publications.
Besides, Left-Wing Liberals are only generous with other people’s money. (Can you say Socialism?)
Yeah, Arthur C. Brooks also belives that political opinions are genetic:
But the data on young Americans tell a different story. Simply put, liberals have a big baby problem: They’re not having enough of them, they haven’t for a long time, and their pool of potential new voters is suffering as a result. According to the 2004 General Social Survey, if you picked 100 unrelated politically liberal adults at random, you would find that they had, between them, 147 children. If you picked 100 conservatives, you would find 208 kids. That’s a “fertility gap” of 41%. Given that about 80% of people with an identifiable party preference grow up to vote the same way as their parents, this gap translates into lots more little Republicans than little Democrats to vote in future elections. Over the past 30 years this gap has not been below 20%–explaining, to a large extent, the current ineffectiveness of liberal youth voter campaigns today.
I would hazard to state that Republicans have a bigger baby problem, in that the head of their party is a big baby.
Winch that beam out of your own eye first, Prof.
Real sociological studies state that (1) rich people generally give the LEAST amount to charity, as a percentage of income, and (2) Republicans give the next least. In addition, I don’t consider money “tithed” to churches as “charity” unless the money actually goes to soup kitchens and the like. Stossel wouldn’t know a real sociological study if it bit his mustache off.
Yeah JFreak, every conservative I know who complains about having to pay 2 cents in taxes is extremely willing to give money to charity. Well, not really, but they would be if they didn’t have to pay any taxes. Trust them. They’re *only* not giving because they just give so much to the gummint and they should use that money for the poor, except that would be welfare and those people are just a bunch of lazy parasites who should die before they’ll lift a hand to help them, and what help do they need anyway they live the high life on our money and they’re lucky because they don’t have to pay any taxes–but, only because they have to pay those damn taxes. Otherwise, they’d be more than willing to help out the subhuman parasites, in between going up to the homeless and brightening up their days by saying mean things to them. Really.
JFreak,
I know this is too late in the thread to help your poor soul but the National Center for Charitable Statistics link posted above details charitable giving as percentage of income, based on actual tax return data, and the result contradicts both Brooks and Stossel. Learn to read.
n addition, I don’t consider money “tithed” to churches as “charity” unless the money actually goes to soup kitchens and the like.
Amen. Tithe money that goes to building and grounds upkeep and living expenses for religious staffing is not charity any more than homeowner association fees or greens fees or private school fees. It’s a straightforward business transaction: in exchange for your money, you get a minister and a place to worship and a classroom, all things that must be paid for by someone if they are to exist at all. If you use these things, you have some obligation to help pay for their availability. It’s not charity, just like it wouldn’t be charity to hand over six hundred bucks every week to rent a ballroom at the local Ramada in which to hold services.
Also, it is not charity for you to demand your employers donate time or money to your pet causes. Nor is it charity to put up a food drive barrel in your grocery store with the expectation that customers will buy food and put it in, nor to promise to donate ten cents to cancer research for every one of your yogurt lids your customers mail to you.
Or, rather, these things are charity, but they are not *your* charity. They are acts of selflessness on the part of people who have, in most cases, less than your company does, and are willing to share what they have, knowing that in exchange for this they will likely get from you a perfunctory pat on the back while you reap PR benefits. (What was that about socialism?)
And, just for the record, if these vicariously philanthropic businessmen claim any of this charity-by-proxy as a tax benefit, they are quite simply fuckweasels.
Ooooohhh, Annti. The shame you should feel. You just made me hate the Slaveation Army slightly less. Ever since I read that they asked the Shrub Administration specifically if they could employment-discriminate against gay people, I have vowed to never, never drop another penny in their effin’ x-mess kettles. Never. Then you had to write that about New Orleans. Damn, damn, damn! Well, at least I’ve held back from chewing out the poor monkey manning the kettle–after all, he isn’t the “decider!” Though it’s likely he agrees with their decisions. Feh. :(

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Old Favorites Day

I don’t feel all that great, and so I am in a mood for comfort wingnuts (you know, those familiar, homey wingnuts whose creamy texture, cheesy richness, and meatloaf-like consistency always hit the spot). 

So, here are the latest columns by some old favorites.

1.  Pastor Grant Swank: “Plane Mutiny, Olmert Demise, Mosque Killers, & Iraq Over

Thesis: The only good Muslim is a dead Muslim. 

Excerpts:
Two men who looked like Muslim killers were speaking in what was concluded to be Arabic. They looked cagey. They kept looking at their watches. They darted looks to right and left. They whispered to one another. They wore heavy leather jackets. They were just plain mysterious.
Swarthy men on a plane who keep doing suspicious terrorist stuff like looking at their watches, whispering to each other, and wearing jackets?  Quick, somebody page Annie Jacobsen!
Brits on their way to vacationland Saturday decided the flight was too risky. They did not at all trust the two men. Therefore, they forced the pilot not to leave the ground.

One hundred fifty passengers felt safer on land than air. Two Muslim terrorist types were the cause of it all.
And just what are “Muslim terrorist types”?  Well, from the news article from which Pastor Swank got this story, we learn that they are “men of Asian appearance apparently talking Arabic.”  Yes, all men who look Asian and speak a language which might be Arabic (or possibly Russian or Hebrew, or something like that) are not only terrorists, but also Muslims, since you can apparently deduce a person’s religion from his race and his jacket.

And, per Pastor Swank, it’s about time that you “grass roots” realized that all Muslims are murderous demons who are planning to kill you.
Islam is proving itself to be too weird to tolerate.
I think the only response to the above is “It takes one to know one.”
The plane mutiny is a reflection of the peace world’s thinking. In time, the entire peace community should get the harsh facts that Islam is out to do us all in.
Okay, Islam is out to do us in, so  what should the peace community do about it?
Well, per the good Pastor, the liberty republics must expel all Muslims, because they’re all bad.  Every single one of them.
Therefore, in every liberty republic, citizens must make choices to protect themselves, their communities, their laws, their judicial systems, educational systems and futures.
That means ousting Muslims. None can be trusted. Why? Because even the so-called kind Muslims say and do nothing to protest their killing “brothers and sisters.” Therefore, who within a Muslim conclave can finally be trusted?
All Muslims are born to be loyal to the Koran.
And this truth about how and why Muslims are born  has caused Pastor Swank to rethink his support of the Iraq War.

Yes, he has concluded that all that talk about “freedom spread” was just a lot of hooey, because the Muslims on our side are, at the end of the day, still Muslims, and as such are Satanic monsters who deserve killing just as much as the ones who are fighting us.
And so George Bush was wrong to lead us into a war to help them – we should have just nuked the whole Middle East.  And then we should have deported everyone who looked Asian and spoke what might have been Arabic. Deported them all to hell, where they came from!
We freedom lovers were sadly mistaken about planting a democracy in Iraq. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. That is why there is not one Muslim democracy on the planet. Democracy won’t fit. Freedom is the antithesis to cultic, demonic practices prescribed by the Koran. […]
Therefore, America should admit that a huge mistake was made in Iraq.
So, is Pastor Swank, the most fervent of Bush supporters, the guy who used to write five pieces a week praising the President’s wisdom and courage, now claiming that George made a huge mistake, and we should bring the troops home ???

Yup, pretty much.

You know, the Bush White House must be totally depressed about now, because when you’ve lost Pastor Grant Swank, it means that not even your mother supports you anymore.
Bush needs to admit that he made a mistake regarding his understanding of Islam. I personally believe that in his soul he knows that now far too much. So does Tony Blair. Then they need to admit their error and go forward to support our troops by bringing them home.
Remember when only traitors like Congressman Murtha used to say stuff like that?


2.  Dr. Miks S. Adams, Ph.D.:”Colleges for Jews to Avoid, Part I

Thesis: Jews should avoid colleges where anybody on the faculty has called for a peace settlement between Israel and its enemies.

But more importantly, the military should waive its age, health, and psychological fitness standards and draft Dr. Mike, because he could kill thousands of those Muslim terrorists, if only he was sent to Iraq and given enough bullets.

Excerpts:
Over the course of my life, I have pondered many improbable situations. For example, what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?
Translation: Despite all the brooding he does about those who have wronged him, and all intense satisfaction he gets from the hours he spends imagining their fiery deaths, Dr. Mike is really just a regular guy who enjoys the sane wholesome sporting events that you do. Really!
What would it be like to work as Anna Kournikova’s live-in masseuse?
Translation: Despite his hatred of women, and his fear of vaginas, Dr. Mike is very much a lady’s man, and he loves the babes. Really!
Just how many Muslim terrorists could I kill if the military would ignore my age and let me serve as a sniper?
Translation: When they set up canned hunts of swarthy people who speak what might be Arabic, Dr. Mike will so be there!
But I never pondered what life would be like as a Jewish student at the University of Texas at Austin – that is, until I read a letter written by 27 anti-Semites and self-hating Jews who teach there. The letter – addressed to Secretary of State Condi Rice – is reproduced below in its entirety.
Translation: Dr. Mike is going to try to get paid for a whole column, while only contributing about 100 words of his own. But don’t you try doing anything like that in any of his classes, you lazy snot-nosed punks!


3.  John Stossel:Leave the decadent businessman alone!

Thesis: Successful businessmen should be able to sexually harass women if they want to – after all, they’re rich!

Sub-thesis: There should be an official droit de seigneur policy at “20/20.”

Excepts:
Dov Charney is a fast-talking 36-year-old entrepreneur whose company has a loose, sexy atmosphere. As you might guess, some former workers have sued him for sexual harassment.
Charney pays his 4,000 employees, mostly immigrants, an average $12.75 an hour, plus subsidized lunches, health care, and free English classes.
[…]
Charney feels free to engage in sexual relationships with staff members. “If it’s a truly consensual loving relationship,” he says, “there’s nothing wrong with it. I think that those relationships can be very healthy and are very much part of living in a free world.”
Yes, immigrant women, having sex with the boss is very much part of living in a free world.  Remember that!
But in today’s highly policed workplace, that belief brought Charney trouble. Three women who used to work for him sued, claiming he created a “hostile environment.” The plaintiffs say they were made to feel unwelcome, and Charney is accused of dropping his pants and revealing his underwear.
Charney told me, “I’ve never had any intimate intentions with these women. I never propositioned them in any way. All of these allegations are false.”
Of course, the women never said that he had “Intimate intentions” with them, they said that he gave them vibrators (shades of Bill O’Reilly!), invited them to masturbate with him, and he exposed himself to them.

But, per Stossel, that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to sue him, because “If you don’t like the atmosphere in a workplace, don’t work there.”

However, our stupid nanny state won’t let a bold,paternalistic entrepreneur like Charney rule his plantation as he sees fit. Damn it, it’s hardly worth being a boss anymore!
Freedom is the most important thing. But now Charney is a maverick swimming against the tide of Big Government with its endless laws telling us how to live, what we may say, and even whom we can look at sexually.
Do the bureaucrats and labor lawyers really know best?
We’ll be better off when we can paraphrase what Jonathan Edwards said in his 1970s song “Sunshine”: “They can’t even run their own lives. I’ll be damned if they’ll run mine.”
Um, John honey, ”Sunshine” is about a rich guy who tries to run the lives of his workers — and how, after the revolution, we’ll all know where the “fruits of what we do” are going. So, John, are you sure this is the song you wanted to quote in this piece?

But you have proven your creds as a brave, young rebel by quoting both a pop song from the1970s AND a line from Ayn Rand in the same column.  I’m sure you’ll be getting lots of that sweet workplace sex too, now.


4. Meghan Cox Gurdon:Kitchen Confidential

When not reviewing children’s books for the Wall Street Journal, Meghan reviews anti-feminist books for The Weekly Standard. (She’s versatile, you see.)

This time she’s reviewing To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife by Caitlin Flanagan. The piece’s subtitle, “Inside every feminist, a woman yearns to break free,” gives us a pretty good idea of what she thinks the moral we should take from the book is going to be.
I am aware that the words “candid memoir” have come to imply, in our memoir-littered literary landscape, ever-darker revelations of neglect, debauchery, and (if the publisher is lucky) incest.
Then we’ll take a moment right now to congratulate the future publishers of the inevitable memoirs of Victrola, Heliotrope, Dyspepsia, and Brock Samson Gurdon.
That’s what people seem to want to read, but, mercifully, Flanagan does not reveal anything so gruesome. What she does reveal, though, is in its effect plenty grim. You may laugh out loud at many passages–I certainly did–but what the book says about modern American women may make you want to bang your head against a wall.
I’m guessing that Flanagan says that modern women very rarely weave their own linen sheets these days, and they don’t wear attractive house dresses and pearls while they order the maid to mop and wax the floors.
First, the good news: Flanagan is a sparkling stylist, and she is definitely on to something with her idea of an “inner housewife,” that secret part of emancipated womanhood that clings to old-fashioned feminine roles even as the outer lawyer, or whatever, rejects them. For who among us doesn’t resent the drudgery of battling squalor through repetitive acts of washing, wiping, and tidying? At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
Sorry, the rest of this article is available only to subscribers.
Okay, gentle readers, once again your assignment is to finish Meghan’s paragraph — tell us just what kind of a pile gives every women a weird charge in her heart of hearts?
I know you’ll do me proud with this one!




66 Responses to “Old Favorites Day"

Monday, January 31, 2011

Meredith Lisa Stossel and John Bubba Stossel


Meredith Lisa Stossel, the daughter of Bridget and Harold Stossel of Dogpatch, New Jersey was married Saturday, July 15, 2006 to John Bubba Stossel, the son of Sharon and Phillip Stossel of West Dogpatch, New Jersey.  Pastor A. Rand officiated at Our Lady of Perpetual Chromosonal Damage in East Dogpatch, New Jersey.

The hillbilly-themed wedding and reception took place at the Hoot-n-Holler Garden of Love in South Dogpatch.  The Best Man was the groom’s brother and son, the Maid of Honor was the bride’s mother, aunt, and second cousin twice removed.  The flower girls and ringbearer were human-animal hybrids.
 
The Stossel/Stossel Wedding Party.  From L to R on groom’s side:  Groom John Stossel.  Cousin Clem Stossel.  Cousin Lum Stossel.  Brother/Father Cletus Stossel.  Second cousin Abner Stossel.  Third Cousin Jebediah Stossel and his conjoined twin, Chang Stossel.  Brother and possible uncle Rip Stossel.  From L to R on Bride’s side:  Second Cousin Rose of Sharon Stossel, first Cousin and probable half-sister Rebecca Stossel, some transvestite from a local barber shop quartet, aunt Jane Darwell Stossel-McCoy, sister/sister-in-law Cissy Stossel-Stossel, Lorna Hayduke, who isn’t related to the rest of the family, but she’s her own mother, and the Bride.

Oh god. You had me at “Chang.”
D. Sidhe is gonna be so very disappointed that someone else got the mustache o’ doom first, and all that that implies. Or, you know, not.
I finally learned – through bitter experience – not to even click on the link to this site without having a roll of paper towels in hand with which to wipe clean the keyboard, screen, cat, and whatever else is in immediate range of nose/mouth spray…..Sweet jesus this one is funny – the picture alone nearly did me in!
Absolutely. Think of the fun we could have had together, me, Johnny, a pair of tweezers…
In lieu of flowers, the guests were asked to leave organs behind.
Well, D. Sidhe, it depends on what hair you’ll be yanking out with the tweezers. And how HARD you pull on it. (More detail than that might cause you dear readers to cringe in horror. Until you imagine the shreiks of pain John would be emitting. Then the laughter begins.)
Who caught the bouquet? Who sang, for the bride and groom’s first dance, “I’m My Own Granpaw”?

Friday, January 28, 2011

June 15, 2006 by s.z.


We haven’t done one of these for a while, mostly because science has found that one can achieve the same effect as reading a dozen Townhall columns in a much shorter time by banging one’s head against the wall. But hey, I already have Advil coursing through my bloodstream in an effort to combat the other aches and pains, so let’s see what’s up with those wacky folks at Townhall.
  • 1. Ben Shapiro, “Daily Kos-Mania”

  • Gist of Column: Women find Markos Moulitsas of “Daily Kos” sexy, and it really steams Ben clams!
    Sample Paragraphs:
    The left has found its newest sex symbol. His name is Markos Moulitsas, and he’s the founder of the eponymous Daily Kos, a popular radical liberal blog garnering thousands of visitors each day.
    [...]
    Moulitsas may indeed be a cross between Cobain and Guevara as far as the Democratic Party goes: He’s a thuggish radical revolutionary who may end up blowing away the Democratic Party, shotgun style. Astonishingly, the Democrats continue to grin as Moulitsas pulls the trigger.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Most women (and men) find this particular combination of jealousy and humorlessness to be very unattractive, and so Ben is never going to get laid at this rate.
  • Gist of Column: Stossel really hates the government. He is probably a Commie, or something.
    He also hates the environment. I attribute this to a lack of parental love in his childhood. However, it might just be that his evil mustache is in the pay of the pollution industry, and it keeps whispering anti-environment propaganda in John’s ear while he sleeps.
    Sample Paragraphs:
    Media coverage of environmental regulators makes them look like dispassionate scientists. But too often they are dangerous religious fanatics.
    Years ago, when ranchers and farmers told me that our government’s environmental regulatory agencies had been captured by fanatics so hostile to the idea of private property that they’d use the endangered-species law to drive just about every landowner off his land, I thought they were overwrought. Then I learned the story of the lynx.
    [...]
    In government, the zealots eventually take over.
    What You Should Take From This Piece:
    Stossel is really, REALLY behind the times.
    As you may recall, the Moonie Times broke “Lynx-gate” in 2001. The gist of this conspiracy theory is that Federal Wildlife biologists planted the hair of rare lynxes in the Cascade mountains so that the Endangered Species Act would close off federal land to the public, and confiscate private property. Of course, it turned out that the biologists hadn’t planted any fake lynx fur, they had just included some blind samples of lynx hairs to be tested by the Forest Service’s DNA lab, because they had (justified) doubts about the lab’s reliability. And more importantly, it would have taken a lot more evidence that just some lynx hair to change any land policy.
    As FAIR said, “In truth, the existence of lynx would have to be verified by live trapping and other measures before any changes in management would take place, a process that could take years. Even the proven presence of lynx would not close the forests; recreation and even logging goes on in forests inhabited by lynx. But presenting such facts does not serve the conspiratorial storyline. ”
    So Stossel is not just a untruthful hack, he’s a sadly behind-the-times tool. But that’s no reason not to buy his latest book!
    Or is it . . . ?

  • 3. Michelle Malkin, “American troops in shackles”
    Gist of Column: Saying that American soldiers may have killed innocent civilians is worse than killing innocent civilians.
    [Oh, and you might also find it interesting to learn that Michelle, who had nothing but approval when the military imprisoned that Muslim chaplain for months without charges, and who never apologized for calling him a spy and a traitor even after the case against him fell apart due to lack of evidence, is now is preaching the principle of "innocent until proven guilty," and feels that the ACLU should fight the Code of Military Justice which allows servicemen to be held while investigations are being conducted.]
    Sample Paragraphs:
    Did you know there are seven young Marines and a Navy corpsman sitting in a military brig right now in leg and wrist shackles — despite the fact that they’ve not been charged with any crime? [...] These men — our men — may be innocent. They may be guilty. Charges may or may not be filed this week. But this much is certain: The media leaks and the Murtha-fication of the case are already taking a heavy toll on the troops and their families.
    [...]
    Perhaps if our troops proclaimed themselves “conscientious objectors” and converted to Islam, they might start getting some sympathy.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Michelle is trying really hard, but she just can’t compete with Ann Coulter.

  • 4. Ann Coulter, “Party of rapist proud to be godless”
    Gist of Column: Apparently Ann has written a book. Who knew she could read, let alone write?
    Sample Paragraphs:
    Second, let’s pause for a moment to observe that two facts are now universally accepted: Liberals are godless and Hillary’s husband is a rapist.
    My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I’ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS. Apparently, everybody’s cool with that. The fact that liberals are godless is not even a controversial point anymore.
    In addition to the consensus position that liberals are godless, no one has made a peep about that swipe I took at Hillary, proposing that she have a chat with her husband before accusing others of being “mean” to women in light of Juanita Broaddrick’s charge that Bill Clinton raped her. Hillary beat a hasty retreat on her chubby little legs and is now hiding behind Rahm “Don’t Touch My Tutu” Emanuel.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Ann will say anything for attention, no matter how stupid and loathsome it makes her appear. This becomes especially evident when she has a book to sell.
    You know, if everyone ignored her, I bet she’d melt into a pile of disgusting goo, much like another wicked witch.

  • 5. Jonah Goldberg, Al Gore’s horror theater

  • Gist of Column: Al Gore indirectly compared global warming to the Holocaust (“In his 1992 book Earth in the Balance, he wrote that ‘today the evidence of an ecological Kristallnacht is as clear as the sound of glass shattering in Berlin.” He repeatedly refers to the unfolding ecological holocaust”), and Jonah gets all pissy about it.
    Sample Paragraphs:
    [W]e must ask: Why on Earth aren’t these people denouncing the movie “Cars”? [...] Surely a film that teaches young children to love cars is a great moral crime given the supposed moral stakes. Similarly, why isn’t Gore – or anybody else in the Democratic Party – denouncing NASCAR? If global warming is the moral equivalent of the Holocaust, aren’t NASCAR races the moral equivalent of corporate-sponsored, televised neo-Nazi rallies?
    [...]
    I know I’ll hear from all sorts of angry readers for taking Gore’s position to the extreme. But this has it backwards. I’m merely taking Gore’s extreme position seriously. We have lots of debates over the factual soundness of environmental extremism but nearly none on the moral soundness of environmental extremism. Once you compare a problem to the Holocaust – even remotely – you’ve lost your moral wiggle room. No politician, indeed no responsible person in this country, would endorse a comedic cartoon about genocide, never mind take their kids to it.
    Um, but there was that “Itchy and Scratchy” cartoon entitled “Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors,” but some so-called responsible people still endorse “The Simpsons,” as far as I know.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Jonah was really reaching for an issue to be outraged about this week.
    Oh, and he’s never going to get laid either.
  • Bonus Gary Aldrich quote:
    [Could Hillary be elected to the presidency?] The sad answer could be yes�when you consider that 50% of us don�t even vote while another significant percentage admit they vote based solely on a politician�s looks.
    Also, a large portion of young voters in 2008 would have been a mere 10 years old when oral sex became our national obsession. Assuming most parents shooed those youngsters away from the living room then and considering our schools won�t teach the truth about Clinton�they�re too busy fumbling around with cucumbers and condoms�there�s little chance these young voters know anything approaching the truth about Bill and Hill.
    Yes, if Hillary becomes President, it will be mainly because today’s young students aren’t forced to read the Starr Report in sex-ed class, and so are sadly unaware that nobody ever had oral sex before Bill Clinton invented the practice.

  • Okay, that’s all the Townhall I can handle, despite all the Advil in my system. And besides, I have a kiten orphanage to run, and those damned kittens keep demanding more gruel. But I think I’ve made my point (whatever that point might be).
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    40 Responses to “Townhall Review”

    Since I don’t post on the dKos, I’m risking nothing by saying that Markos is a little… odd looking. I’m not necessarily saying he’s ugly or anything, it’s hard to put my finger on it, but the proportions of his face are off, somehow. But it’s not like I’m ruthlessly mocking him for his imperfection(s)–I’m at least as odd looking as he is, though in a more easily quantifiably way. So, what’s my verdict? Well, he has a sexy voice. His appearance is markedly improved when he’s got a great, big smile going (this being true of most people). And I do have an enormous fetish for latino guys. So, yeah, I’d do him. Geeze, I’m such a slut!
    And why does mAnn Coulter think calling me “godless” insults me somehow? I’m a stinking Atheist! “Godlessness” kinda comes with the territory! In fact, it’s really atheism’s greatest appeal. Of course, I realize that mAnn’d little rant isn’t really directed at me–it’s aimed both at the Rethuglicans’ funnymentalist base (look-the libs are godless! *gasp!*) and at insulting the religious left (and or trying to sow the seeds of internal strife in the left between the religious and the non-religious). Well, nice try, mAnn, but neither of those things is a “universally held” belief–not even amongst the right wing. ‘Course, mAnn is so supremely self-centered that she thinks anything she believes is some “universally” held opinion. What’s that catch-phrase again? Oh, yeah: Sadly, No!
    Just as clarification–I’m certainly not suggesting that Kos would sleep with me, even if he were really drunk and horny. I was addressing a hypothetical question, which never in a million years could come to pass. Mainly because within the next hundred years, both Kos and I will probably kick the bucket, at which point, hopefully, I won’t obsess about sex quite so much. Ahem.
    “In addition to the consensus position that liberals are godless, no one has made a peep about the swipe I took at Hillary…”
    Annie, Annie, Annie…the reason nobody’s raising a fuss about your book is because they STOPPED GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING YOU SAY. Your shtick is as worn-out, tired and haggard as your pussy must be.
    Why is it whenever I read Jonah’s stuff, I always get the feeling Lucienne shagged the principal (like Alma Gump) to get him in a non-special school?
    Hee hee. It really does bug Ann when nobody gives a shit about what she’s saying, doesn’t it?
    By the way, who taught Jonah Goldberg how to write? Because you owe everyone in the world BIG TIME, whoever you are.
    How can they be continually outraged about nothing? Oh well, at least it might lead to an early death. Because that cannot be healthy to be so mad all of the time.
    marq, I’m 47 and still obsess about sex. The obsession doesn’t end just because you’re a man of a certain age.
    I am NOT middle aged goddamn it. I’m a 17 year old trapped in a 47 year old body.
    Appropriately, the Odds:
    1. Lord a’mighty, I’m getting so old I’m beginning to feel sorry for young Ben. Not for his social life which, together with the dismal outlook for its future, is entirely deserved. But somebody, please, get this kid an education at some point. Or some physical exercise. Really. Time is running out. Ana Marie Cox and Maureen Dowd are “the Left”?
    And obligatory “Ben ‘inexplicably’ parrots the right-wing fantasies of his parents” moment: “card-carrying socialists”. Again, this kid was born during Ronald Reagan’s reelection campaign.There’s a greater chance of Ben being filmed in a three-way than of him ever seeing or hearing from a socialist.
    3. It appears than Malkins has never even read the 5th Amendment, which specifically exempts military personnel. It isn’t even a question of misinterpreting legal precedent. And I like how the prisoners have ended up being “shackled 23 hours a day” based on the fact that they’re shackled when brought into the visitation area. That’s rigor.
    5. Let’s imagine for a moment that instead of being a professional load, Jonah were a trumpeter. Could anyone then explain how he’d been releasing albums for over ten years without ever hitting a single note?
    Okay, I have a migraine and can barely tolerate the existence of these people (I don’t know how you do it, S.Z., Advil wouldn’t make a dent in your standard Ann Coulter diatribe), but the Stossel thing, as usual, demands response.
    FAIR notes that Stossel has lied about this lynx thing before, been caught, and had the whole thing publicly explained to him. He’s got no excuse for continuing to lie about it.
    Even the evil-moustache thing (and I’m so glad I’m not the only person who gets, as the Tick had it, “That Moustache Feeling” when I look at him) is only half a reason, and not at all an excuse.
    merlallen, that is indeed the question. As far as I can tell, they *like* being angry. I tend to only read stuff like Townhall when I think it’ll get me to “amazed and bemused at the display of bathos and bad grammar”. It’s admittedly a fine line, and pretty often even a roundup like this accomplishes “astonished disgust”.
    Marq, I think Markos has a baby face–”cute” but not “sexy”. Either that, or I’m just getting really, really old.
    And, Ann, here’s a hint: Just because you SAY SOMETHING and you don’t acknowledge people contradicting you, that doesn’t mean what you say is TRUE.
    I mean, HELLO! Ann, you’ve been regularly called a pre-op transexual preying mantisoid who eats her mates and bathes in the blood of Republican virgins. And you haven’t contradicted it!
    Oh my god. Somebody get Ben Shapiro to the garlic-and-crosses safe house! Quick!
    Ben is never going to get laid at this rate.
    As opposed to his normal ugly lunatic rantings which were sure to get him serviced by Pam Atlas and maybe Ann Coulter, two women of suspect gender?
    C’mon guys, attacking Ann Coulter’s gender is like saying it’s ok to use the n word with some black people if you dislike them enough.
    Coulter’s dilemma is that she makes her living by being outrageous, which means she has to keep pushing the envelope further and further so that people will continue to pay attention to her. Inevitably, people who do that must end up pushing too far and going down in flames. She appears to be on the cusp of that stage now.
    I think you’ve hit on VBen’s strategy for remaining a virgin. His combination of jeolousy and humorlessness is where he hids from the scary and gross sex thing that makes him whimper when he even thinks about it.
    I’d like to see a Malkin/Coulter co-interview. Their need to out-shriek each other could easily result in a “Scanners” like explosion. And that would be really bitchin.
    And John “whiny-ass titty-baby” Stossel knows as much about the environment as Ben Shapiro knows about vaginas.
    Boo, you’ve hit Ann’s strategy right on the head.
    On Leno last night, she obviously knew that the flap about her reprehensible statements toward the 9/11 widows was blowing over, and kept trying to jump-start the Godless tripe. Saying that she couldn’t comprehend why nobody was up in arms about being called godelss- she would be.
    But taking her shtick to the eventual conclusion, ultimately she will be publishing books that comprise a series of howls, jabbers, and screeches while interspersing recognizable nouns like ‘Liberals’, “Clinton” or ‘Homosexual’
    Some maintain that she has already reached this point.
    “Gist of Column: Apparently Ann has written a book. Who knew she could read, let alone write?”
    Actually she can’t do either. I suspect her ‘book’ (using that term loosely as any object consisting of ink on pages sold to the public) was simply dictated to some cringing sub of hers, while she was on a 72 hour meth binge.
    “A large portion of young voters in 2008 would have been a mere 10 years old when oral sex became our national obsession.”
    BECAME!!!! Sweet G_D where did this nit-wit grow-up? Oral sex has always been an obsession. Imbecile. And I always thought that the whole point of the Starr Report and impeachment was to “think of the children.” Now Aldrich is complaining because parents did that.
    Histrogeek-
    The amusing thing is that Snitchens has a new column out, claiming that fellatio is the All American Sex Act, since AT LEAST the 50′s.
    Man, I wish these wingnuts would just coordinate or something.
    Hey, Marq, I’d do Markos for a cup of coffee and cab fare home, which, as I’m sure you know, is also the going rate for Stossel’s soul…times two.
    “You know, if everyone ignored her, I bet she�d melt into a pile of disgusting goo, much like another wicked witch.”
    Too late!
    My computer hates me, apparently.
    Anyway, Boo, I think you’re right about Coulter’s strategy–but I think she’ll be around a while longer.
    Personally, I hope that whether she hangs around or goes down in flames we can tie her around the necks of the GOP. They made her. They use her. They should *not* be allowed to distance themselves from her so easily now that she’s offended more voters than usual.
    And temporary costello, I find it amusing also that she thinks it’s a good insult. Me, I’m a pagan. I got dozens of gods. The other liberals in my home are heathens, no gods at all. I kinda respect that, and all the moreso when people like Wildmon are engaged in their demented shrieking about all things sinful.
    In regard to Coulter: mAnn or womAnn?, I agree that it’s really quite irrelevant whether she’s a she-male, a woman, or a extremely large, vaguely-humanoid insect. It doesn’t matter. It’s her loathsome personality that accounts for the widespread disgust with her, and deservedly so.
    My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I�ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS.
    Shorter Ann:
    Hey! What’s wrong with you people?! Why aren’t you taking thebait?!
    Now I’m totally curious to know what would transpire at a Coulter-Malkin- X (Matalin, O’Beirne, Parker…?) panel discussion. With no men panelists. We already know that Coulter places a lot of value on being one of the “pretty girls” (per her short-lived Democratic convention coverage), so I’d want to keep things relatively even in terms of perceived attractiveness. I’d be really curious to see how each of them – being so typically wingnutty in their non-stop outrage and anger – would play off the others.
    Yup. Ann Coulter’s career is over. When someone writes “Hello! Anyone there?” in the middle of a column, they’ve stopped trying.
    I mean, she used to be scary. What happened?
    It’s no surprise Stossel is recycling an old revealed falsehood. He can still sell it somewhere.
    I’ve been hanging out in another country for the last three weeks where I don’t speak the language and I haven’t really had much time to be on the internet. You know, I had actually forgotten how totally insane these people are. Actually, I had forgotten that these loons even existed.
    It says a lot about the sheltered life Virgin Ben leads that he finds the somewhat diminutive and, yes, baby-faced Markos “thuggish.”
    And I do think Markos is a hottie (albeit a short, cute one).
    Not to pick nits, but how is “Daily Kos” eponymous for Markos?
    Since Ben’s not going to get laid, he could at least develop some language skills.
    merlallen Says:
    June 15th, 2006 at 8:58 am
    marq, I�m 47 and still obsess about sex. The obsession doesn�t end just because you�re a man of a certain age.
    I am NOT middle aged goddamn it. I�m a 17 year old trapped in a 47 year old body.

    My 17 year old trying chewing his way out, but I used rebar across the duodenum and that sucker is TRAPPED.
    And I STILL crave sex!
    Gotta give Ben a break for phoning it in. What with all the unending pornography research required for the “Porn Generation” sequels he’s got his hands full.
    I suspect it doesn’t fill even one of his hands.
    My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I�ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS.
    ——
    This IS satire, right? Right?
    She sounds like an anorexic howler monkey. Someone throw her a banana before she starts flinging feces. Oh, wait…
    Shorter Virgin Ben:
    The party was shitty! And they didn’t invite me!
    (Pouts, retreats to comic-book and Ann Coulter action figure-strewn room, shuts door. Sound of racking sobs.)
    Oh, I got rebar.
    Virgin Ben: Yawn. Index finger and thumb in L-shape to forehead.
    Stossel: Yawn! Indifference. I wonder if that’s Hitler’s mustache transplanted?
    Frau Malkin: Really loud yawn with a bit of an arm stretch.
    The Connecticut Gorgon: Ho-hum and a shrug.
    Lucianne’s Unaborted Fetus: What did he say his name was?
    Isn’t it far past the point where these five professional and personal mediocrities are prodded back to oblivion where they deserve to be?
    Not one of them has had an original thought or a spasm of decency in years. Can we just stick the fork in them?
    Oh. My. God.
    Is my first comment in this thread possibly the source or one of the sources of Instatwit’s “people are speculating that Markos is gay” bullshit? ‘Cos I wasn’t!! really wasn’t! God, I hate Glen Reynolds!! In any event, if Instahack was in any way misusing a comment of mine to attack Kos, I sincerely apologize to Kos and hoist my middle finger in Insta-analwart’s general direction.
    Not that there;d be anything wrong with Kos being gay, mind you. It’s just that he isn’t, and that was totally not the point of my original comment.