Tim Graham Takes Fox Palsy Personally

Via Wolcott, we see that the Corner’s Tim Graham is also in a tizzy about the Michael J. Fox ad.  According to Tim, Fox’s statement that stem cell research offers “hope” is a cruel joke, on a par with Ashton Kutchner’s efforts to convince Michelle Trachtenberg that she broke a water pipe in a parking garage with her car.

Punk’d by Parkinson’s [Tim Graham]
J-Pod, in an age when reporters routinely pick apart ads for being untruthful or misleading, this ad should be scorned in the press for making claims that are not yet scientifically accurate.

The right wing’s newfound passion for rigorously peer-reviewed 60 second political commercials that reflect a consensus view of scientific research is refreshing, to say the least.  I guess this puts an end to that whole “the jury is still out on global warming” business, not to mention deliberately misleading, industry-funded campaigns, like that ad touting the life-giving benefits of carbon dioxide.

Claiming conservatives oppose “life-saving” stem-cell research is, at the moment, completely unsubstantiated.

Uh-huh.  Did you happen to catch this piece in the Washington Post: In Heartland, Stem Cell Research Meets Fierce Opposition?  Just curious…

Life-saving? Right now, it’s in danger of looking like the embryo-destroyer’s version of WMD intelligence.

Oooh, SNAP, Timster!  Way to turn a frown upside down!

Aside from the factual flaws, it has the sickening usual liberal flaw of leading with the Unmockable Victim, and thinking the facts don’t matter, especially with those emotional chicks.

“I love the ladies, but you gotta admit they’re apt at any moment to take a plunge off the hysterical high dive.  They can’t help it; it’s a well-known fact that the uterus and yellow wallpaper drives ‘em batty.”

Wow, that damn-those-liberal-crips-we’re-not-allowed-to-mock meme has really taken off.  Ann Coulter ought to be collecting royalities.

(Oh, the liberal consultant smirks are everywhere, no doubt.)

Um…sure, Tim.  Like the Chesire Cat’s smile, the liberal consultant’s smirk remains behind, floating in the air, long after the consultant has faded away to K Street.  (But shhhhh!  Only Tim can see them!)

But blaming Bush or Steele or Talent for Parkinson’s disease is akin to John Edwards claiming in October 2004 that Christopher Reeve would walk again “when John Kerry is president.” This ad is shameless, uncivil, unproven, and a very personal attack.

shameless…uncivil…unproven…  Tim, Tim, take a breath and unbunch your panties.  I think the words you’re groping for are “frank,” “unsparing,” and “effective.”  But a “personal” attack?  In fact, a “very personal attack”?  Timmy, as I think your old friend Lassie would agree…it’s not all about you.
In other news, “Democrat” has ceased to be a member of a political party, and has become, apparently, a species.  At least, judging by this oddly worded headline on Rush’s website:

MICHAEL J. FOX IS NOT INFALLIBLE; HE’S JUST THE LATEST VICTIM USED BY THE DEMOCRAT

MARLIN PERKINS:  The Democrat, native to the Northeastern United States, was once common throughout the Lower 48 states.  As recently as the 1970s, the Industrial cities of the Midwest were black with thundering herds of Democrats, who thrived on the region’s good manufacturing jobs, collective bargaining agreements, and high rates of home ownership.  Alas, in recent years, the outsourcing of the Democrat’s native habitat has lead to a decrease in its numbers.  As you can see, we’ve baited our trap with a Barbra Streisand CD and a UAW card…yes, here comes one now, emerging cautiously from the underbrush.  I’ll scramble into the helicopter with the film crew while Jim nets the Democrat and wrestles it to the ground…

Anyway, back to Rush:

RUSH: One of the big issues in the Missouri Senate race — as you know, we touched on it yesterday — is the Michael J. Fox commercial which is entirely misleading and which is in itself an attack ad, and it is filled with disinformation about embryonic stem cell research and how Jim Talent wants to criminalize it. Embryonic stem cell research — and, by the way, Fox is doing similar commercials in Maryland now for Ben Cardin against Michael Steele. But embryonic stem cell research is currently legal and completely unrestricted in both Maryland and Missouri and in the vast majority of other states. It’s largely personal and institutional ethics that keep scientists from cloning research.

Yeah!  I don’t know where this goofy idea that research and funding were somehow related came from.  The only thing preventing advances in stem cell science are the ethical qualms of scientists, most of whom are morally uneasy with this whole “research” fad.

The debate we’re having is almost always about governmental funding

 Oops.  Okay, scratch that ethical crap.

We will address that, but Michael J. Fox entered the political arena long ago. He became a US citizen in 2000.   He’s from Canada.

And that’s germane to this discussion because…uh…

Rush?  Help me out here…

He was active in the Kerry campaign in 2004

Got it!  So clearly, he deserves a catastrophic disease.  Shaky, saw-offed little Socialist.

One of the tactics the Democrats have — and they’ve used this consistently. They bring forth people who they think are victims for the purposes of exploiting them, and when you bring forth — for example, if you’re talking about embryonic stem cell research, and you want to convey the notion that the Republicans are opposed to it, and in effect they’re for people having Parkinson’s Disease. Make no mistake that’s what the intent is.

Okay, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but this sounds awfully familiar.  It’s almost as if there were a series of talking points issued, and everybody was told to repeat them ad nauseum.  Hey, I know that sounds crazy, you don’t have to tell me…

Then you bring forth a person who’s suffering the disease, and you illustrate the disease and the ravages and the suffering on TV to create sympathy and infallibility, because you’re not supposed to be able to attack somebody or criticize somebody in any way or in any regard if they suffer from the disease.

Wow!  That’s almost word for word Ann Coulter’s complaint about “the doctrine of liberal infallibility”!  What are the odds?  If I didn’t know better, I’d think they almost coordinated these spontaneous bursts of moral outrage.

It’s considered cold-hearted and cruel

It’s not, of course, but certain hysterical chicks consider it that. 

I would argue that Mr. Fox is damaging what has traditionally been a bipartisan effort at addressing and curing illnesses

Or at least, it was until Bush declared researchers could only use the 60 extant stem cell lines tainted with mouse DNA.  Because there’s no worse illness than Ennui in the Base.

Democrats are politicizing diseases and illnesses.

Alzheimer’s is a perfect example of corrupt machine politics.  Why do Democrats have to politicize disease?  We’re only politicizing the research that might lead to a cure for disease!  Geez!

The Breck Girl, John Edwards, promising, if John Kerry is elected, that Christopher Reeve and others with spinal paralysis would walk, when there’s no such is evidence that any research into embryonic stem cells will create any immediate cure toward anything.

Huh.  Seems like I’ve heard that bit before too.  Either there’s an RNC blast fax making it’s way around town, or the right wing pundits have beaten the Borg to the deployment of a working hive mind technology.

It is irresponsible to mislead victims of people suffering from these horrible diseases in such a fashion. But that’s exactly what has happened.

Wait.  We’re misleading the victims of people suffering from horrible diseases?  I wouldn’t have thought that a guy with advanced Parkinson’s could beat you up for your lunch money, but I stand corrected.

It’s no different than the way they do it in the environmental movement. They talk about dirty water and dirty air, and if you oppose the environmentalists, why, you must be for dirty water and dirty air!

Yeah!  Everybody talks about dirty water and dirty air, but nobody does anything about it!  Oh.  Wait.  Some people actually did.  That’s why we hate them.  Sorry!

Well, that’s about all the Rush I can take for the moment, since everybody in the Wingnutosphere is starting to melt into Ken Mehlman’s gooey, runny face, and I prefer my extremist hacks hardboiled, or at least al dente.

Posted by scott on Tuesday, October 24th, 2006 at 9:32 pm.

12 Responses to “Tim Graham Takes Fox Palsy Personally”

Good post, Scott. I listened to Rush the other day, and he made absolutely no sense. He was madder than hell about Baruch Obama being on the cover of Time, but none of his sputterings were remotely coherent. Every five seconds he would bring up Clinton, and I admit, Rush does a pretty good impression, but seriously, is that the best you can do? My Gerald Ford impression is pretty good, but I don’t bring it up all the time.
Left by Mark S. on October 25th, 2006

Sorry Rusty, but Kay Bailey Hutchison already owns the Breck Girl nickname.

But hey, here’s something even funnier than a bald guy making fun of someone else’s hair: wingnuts at redstate pulling each others’ hair over whether KBH is hispanophobic enough to be their Senator.
Left by melior (in Austin) on October 25th, 2006

Wow, he’s getting more incoherent by the minute. Maybe he was better off on the drugs. This bit I like:
They bring forth people who they think are victims

Yes, there you go. We only *think* Mr Fox has Parkinson’s. Because it’s easy to confuse that with, uh, flu or something. Really, Rush should shut the hell up on the subject, since he apparently *doesn’t* know what the symptoms of the disease are, nor does he know what the effects of the medication are. So leave the diagnosis to people with a clue, maybe?

I kind of dig the assessment that liberals are exploiting unmockable victims, btw. Especially as it’s never stopped the conservatives from mocking, say, Elizabeth Edwards’ cancer, Max Cleland’s amputations, 9/11 widows’ grief, Cindy Sheehan’s grief, Kevin Tillman’s grief, former Labor Secretary Robert Reich’s disease-caused height, John Kerry’s war injuries, NOLA victims’ continuing troubles, Iraqi civilian deaths, Lebanese civilian deaths, torture victims’ suffering… The list is extensive and far-ranging, from attacks made decades ago to attacks made just this morning. Mr Limbaugh is a particularly notable practitioner.

And can we please knock it the fuck off with the Breck Girl thing? Not only is it profoundly misogynistic and homophobic, it is also freaking pointless. The people who keep using it are rarely old enough to have any idea what the hell it means.
Left by D. Sidhe on October 25th, 2006

I also like the implication that Fox is not capable of or intelligent enough to make his own decisions on supporting Dem candidates.

One of the blowhards claims that he is a victim of the Dems political mechanations and another is upset about bringing forth people who think they are victims.
Left by A cranny mint on October 25th, 2006

To which list I’d like to add “media-coddled African-American quarterbacks.”

On the other hand, let John Murtha dare criticize murder and lawlessness among US troops and watch Limbaugh, Coulter, and the Corner gang, none of whom runs the slightest risk this war will touch them physically or in the pocketbook, and they’re demanding he be shot at sunrise.
Left by Doghouse Riley on October 25th, 2006

“…the sickening usual liberal flaw of leading with the Unmockable Victim, and thinking the facts don’t matter, especially with those emotional chicks.”

This, from the people who insist that U.S. Christians are persecuted by people who wish them a Happy Holidays. Unbelievable.

“Make no mistake” is Rush Limbaugh’s tell. Whenever he’s trying to deflect an effective attack with lying, fact-free spin, that’s always what he says. The campaign should be running this ad 24 hours a day.
Left by sophronia on October 25th, 2006

Dan Riehl riffed on this (via Tristam Shandy) and turned Mike into “one of the jerky Boyz”.
Left by actor212 on October 25th, 2006

Not to make fun of Mark S., but I’m finding the idea of “Baruch Obama” really amusing.
Left by Lucy on October 25th, 2006

Two things:

1. Wingnuts can’t speak without indulging in conspiracy rhetoric. The idea that the 9-11 widows or MJ Fox are free agents who chose to speak out is simply not part of their mindset. Nope, it is that the Eeevil Democrats masters are manipulating these poor people into mouthpieces for the Party. Probably arranged it all at the Freemasons/Illuminati meetings that Bill and Hill hold at their house every Thursday.

2. Wingnuts pretty much admit that unless they can indulge in abusive ad hominem arguments, they got nothing to say. That is the basis of Rush and Coulter complaining that the victims shouldn’t be allowed to speak out, “But if we can’t attack the messengers, we have nothing to say! No fair!”
Left by jpj on October 25th, 2006

I’m sure once Ann or Rush get the disease, they’ll be begging for the cure.
Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on October 25th, 2006

I have always respected Rush (the amateur biophysicist)and his grasp of the issues at hand. We must be nuts to think that stem-cell research will lead to a cure for anything. This whole medical ‘research’ thing is just a waste of time and money. However, it is quite conceivable that Terri Schiavo, given the opportunity, could have regrown a new brain. Thus while Limbaugh pokes a bit of harmless fun at MJF (who is probably faking it, anyway), Liberals went out and murdered Terri.
Left by Henry Crun on October 26th, 2006

Here’s another lie you forgot to point out: that Edwards claimed Christopher Reeve would walk again. Here’s the actual quote, and note that Reeve was already dead when Edwards said it:

–
“If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again,” Edwards said.
–

Note the subtle difference between “people like Christopher Reeve” and the claim as it is now twisted, that they’ll make the dead walk. That only happens in Florida.
Left by Kip W on October 26th, 2006

So, It's Really MY Fault

What would a nasty sex scandal be without Rush “LImp Dick” Limbaugh’s input? 

 “Are Liberals Truly Offended by Foley?”
I have to admit, my friends, I’m a little confused about certain aspects of the situation here involving Mark Foley and the page. [...]

Now, the liberals also tell us that sex and gender issues are just lifestyles, not choices. Maybe choices in the case of sex changes like the chopadickoffame and the adadictomy, but these are just lifestyle things, gender and so forth, we’re not to condemn. Any two people can love each other, any four people can love each other. You can define your family however you want, including your animal or animals. This we have been taught by the tolerant left among us. Kids can have sex, too. Not with somebody just in their age-group, alternative lifestyles, but not if the person is sexually active but younger, apparently. So we find here that there are limits. There are things that will offend liberals. Or are there? Because I continue to ask, are they really offended by this? How many of them wish they were in on the action?

Well, Rush certainly has my number — I’m not really offended that Foley sent sexually explicit IMs to a teen for whom he was an authority figure, nor am I actually outraged because the House leadership did nothing to protect the children for whom they had responsibility.  No, I’m just jealous because I didn’t get some of the action myself — I was really hoping to have any orgy with a few underage pages of both sexes, several animals, and a few creepy middle-aged congressmen, and I’m taking out my frustration and disappointment on Foley and Hastert.

Posted by s.z. on Monday, October 2nd, 2006 at 8:02 pm.

18 Responses to “So, It’s Really MY Fault”

You can define your family however you want, including your animal or animals.
You can? Cool! I am hereby officially appointing Hobbes, the Maine Coon, as my grandmother, to replace the one that passed away a couple of months ago. I had no idea this was even legal! To think of all the time I wasted grieving, when all I had to do was just get used to Grandma making me fresh hairballs instead of brownies. Thanks, Rush!

Left by scott on October 2nd, 2006

Boy, I hope Rush Lamebrain wasn’t smoking when he said that, because there were so many strawmen parading around in that paragraph it’d be a serious fire hazard.
I hardly know where to begin, but maybe I should start by asking, “What the fuck do transexuals have to do with Mark Foley?” It just gets stupider and stupider from that point on. Why does this guy still have a career? And why can’t he become addicted to some drug that would render him permanently mute?

Left by Bill S on October 2nd, 2006

*sigh* You know, I’m actually beginning to get bored with the so-called conservatives trotting out that “gays = bestiality & pedophilia” bullshit. Really, right-wing dimbulbs, it’s getting real old. Get some new material, or get off the goddamned stage!

Left by Marq on October 3rd, 2006

DAMN!
S.Z. is back, and she ain’t takin’ NO SHIT!!!
Loved it. ‘Specially the righteously-pissed barely-restrained rage. Very cool.
“Snark” isn’t even vaguely big enough to encapsulate it.
Glad to see you up & around again, I know that I’m tardy, but I hope that I’m not quite to fucktard level yet.
And here’s my theory, clipped & pasted from my comment elsewhere, about why teh republicunts (publicly) hate teh gays:
Republicunts hate gays because they AREN’T pedophiles, because it throws the whole raison d’etre of the G.O.P. “Party Boys” contingent into a major tizzy.
See, we’ve got this rampant problem of disappearin’ white kids in this country (well, there can’t be any missing BLACK or FURRIN kids in Murka, or you’da heard about ‘em on THA NEWS!!!) — and if they’re going to be the party of “Truth,” “Justice,” and “The Murkin Way,” then the G.O.P.’s got to look like they’re DOING SOMETHING ABOUT all of these missing/raped/murdered kids.
(Note: I didn’t say that they had to actually DO SOMETHING, I said that they have to LOOK like they’re ‘doing something’, as they generally operate on all topics.)
ZZzzssssSO… They need a BOOGEY-MAN. They need an easily-identified Willie Horton-type perp here. They need the last minority (aside from Southern & fat people, of course, but those two are sancrosanct comedic material, just ask Lorne Michaels) of which it is still safe to make fun, in these here United States. Who’s the last “minority group” who can still be publicly demonized amongst large gatherings of mighty-white folks, generally waving bibles?
Nope, not gynecologists who don’t “practice their love for women” — it’s GAY FELLERS!!!!
(The gay “chicks” have already been safely marginalized as a fallacy of porn fantasies.)
So, there’s your X-Files-type solution to this quizzical situation.
Wanna keep the breeding, bible-banging, fear-addicted, mouth-breathing sheeple feeling “safe” from the ever-present encroaching threat from the INSIDE, the one thing that can even get past Dear Leader, oh he of the mighty search parties? Wanna distract the sheeple from the paganistic paens to Pan and Caligula that go on every night in the Pages’ Lounge?
BLAME IT ON TEH GAYS!!!!!!
(Ta-dahhhh!)
There ya go. Now wash your hands of any concern and rest easy, dear ones, for Dear Fuhr– er, LEADER has it all under control. He’ll be issuin’ huntin’ licenses for those buggerin’ bastards (i.e., those NOT on Capitol Hill) by Xmas. Bag a gay, quite a day! Bag a pair, they’ll fix your hair! (Y’know, before you hang ‘em by the hocks over the gut-bucket at the huntin’ camp and bleed those suckers out.)
Yeahhh, I said it.
(And yes, the tag line of “bag a f*g” did occur to me, but not in a nice way.)

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on October 3rd, 2006

Well, gosh. Rush is also the guy who thinks the torture that went on (and probably still is) in Abu Ghraib is basically just frat hijinks, performed by sexually assertive liberated women.
I think, over the years, that we’ve all been exposed to way too much of Rush’s creepy libido. The inside of his head must be like a slaughterhouse full of Ann Coulters in Ilsa the She Wolf costumes hacking the heads off of fluffy baby bunnies with rusty cleavers and feeding them to giant, slime-encrusted centipedes. Only considerably less pleasant.

Left by D. Sidhe on October 3rd, 2006

even though rush limpdick is a drug addict and pedophile, i hate him anyway. strange, huh?

Left by merlallen on October 3rd, 2006

What a yutz. It’s amazing the amount of crap he comes up with. And folks actually listen to what he says… please tell me it’s satire. Otherwise, there’s a whole segment of our population that seriously deranged.

Left by CLD on October 3rd, 2006

I think that Rush is in Foley’s district (West Palm Beach.) wonder if they’ve ever done the Dominican Republic VirginBennie junket together

Left by preznit giv me turkee on October 3rd, 2006

Remember what they keep telling us? “He’s entertainment”. The pandering in that diatribe is beyond appalling. You can practically visualize the basest fears of the mouth-breathers coming out of their skin and crawling around the room, screaming “save us from teh gayz”. And the real issue, a rightie perv who got caught, gets lost in the miasma of their tiny, tiny little minds. It’s eleven o’clock in the morning and I already need a drink.

Left by mmm...lemonheads on October 3rd, 2006

You’re just jealous because Rush can belong to NAMBLA and you can’t. Just accept it.

Left by Richard on October 3rd, 2006

Kids can have sex, too. Not with somebody just in their age-group, alternative lifestyles, but not if the person is sexually active but younger, apparently.
What the hell is he talking about? Is he talking about kids in that second sentence or did he just suddenly switch to talking about adults? Does he know that Foley is an adult?

Left by Hysterical Woman on October 3rd, 2006

“How many of them wish they were in on the action?”
I believe he is actually one of the “them”. I recall a recent incident with him at an airport involving Viagra and his return from The Dominican Prepubic .

Left by King Spirula on October 3rd, 2006

As Margaret Cho once said: “Why does Rush Limbaugh say this stuff? Because he’s still high. Rush did so many drugs that Courtney Love said ‘You know, I can’t, I gotta work in the morning.’”
Ben Stein said something similar. The conservatives spend a massive chunk of their waking hour turning gays (like me) into their punching bags and whipping boys, then when they find one in their midst, suddenly they’re all a-full o’ the tolerance and why you hating, liberals? Give me a fucking break. I have yet to hear a widespread condemnation of the gay pedophile (because they are two ENTIRELY SEPARATE THINGS) that was coddled and enabled by the Republican leadership. What Foley did was unethical and illegal. He preyed on children that saw him as an authority figure. It’s not because he’s gay, it’s not because he has “addiction problems.” The man is 52, the boy is 16. This is not an “alternative lifestyle” thing. This is a sexual predator asking “Timmy, have you ever been a congressional page before?”

Left by Johnny M on October 3rd, 2006

Some people will blame liberals for anything, and the knots of logic they tie would have amazed even R.D. Laing. (http://laingsociety.org/biblio/knots.htm)
Foley himself doesn’t blame liberals, he blames alcohol. While we all know that alcohol may cause a model businessman to make a pass at the redhead from accounting at the Christmas party and get fired (if he’s gay, maybe at a male redhead from accounting), Foley’s saying that alcohol doesn’t just lower inhibitions, it’s actually some Jekyll & Hyde potion that turned an upstanding Congressman with healthy desires into a twisted predator. Three days in dry-out and he’ll be back to normal.
This is extreme bullshit, and Anheuser Busch, Coors, and every distillery and bar owner in America should sue his ass for disparaging their fine products. (Not to mention suits by the pages’ parents.) You wanna see some huge punitive damage awards? Foley might end up being real sorry he (a) didn’t work harder on tort “reform” and (b) voted for bankruptcy “reform.”

Left by trashfire on October 3rd, 2006

You left out the bestest part of Limpballs’ diatribe. The part where he speculates that the pages were bribed by liberals to set Foley up. That they led him on, etc. Entrapment!
Remember, the page we know about is a Louisiana Republican. The way kids get to be pages is by recommendations from their Congresscritters. Now, who do you suppose gets those recommendations from Congresscritters? That’s right. Kids whose parents donate lots of moola to the party.
So, knock yerself out, Rush. Keep right on defaming Young Republican pages from Republican Pioneer families. Those moms and dads will be lovin’ on ya big time! And they’ll just keep those checks rolling into Republican coffers, and sending their kids to be pages and to work on Republican campaigns! Sure they will. Asshole.
PS The Missouri fundies I have talked to are NOT buying ANY of the crap they are hearing from Rush, Dobson, Hastert, or any one else. They’re not buying any spin, period. They are seriously pissed off.

Left by Gentlewoman on October 3rd, 2006

So, knock yerself out, Rush. Keep right on defaming Young Republican pages from Republican Pioneer families.

Wow, I completely neglected that these “studly” 16-year-olds were, in all likelihood, Hitler Youth Young Republicans. Strange. You’d think that, with their general avoidance of physical labor of any type, that these Cheetos-snarfing little puds would not so much be “hot” as they’d be a nearly motionless herd of mini-Doughy Pantloads.
IT IS A MYSTERY!1!!

Left by Marq on October 4th, 2006

And, yes, with that comment, I have reached my Godwin-limit for the week. If I mention herr Schicklegruber or his party-hardy goosestepping thugs again before next week, I have to give Wisconsin’s James Sensenbrenner, jr. a sponge bath and leeching. Did I mention that Sensenbrenner would only be wearing a thong? So, I’m really motivated to be good… for once.

Left by Marq on October 4th, 2006

The same might apply for Rush with regards to The Clenis.
That could’ve been him in Monica’s kneepads.

Left by Railroad Stone on October 4th, 2006

July 7, 2006 by s.z.

How Rush Spent His Summer Vacation

Here are just a few of the things I learned from the cautionary tale (and Rush Limbaugh radio show segment), “Rush Stopped at Customs: The Real Story.”

1.  Rush has a friend. One who urged him to try Viagra.

My friends, you know, I have always been able to rise above it all, and this is just another example. But let me tell you about this because this was surreal. This really was. Last December… I don’t know how much I should tell. This is purely personal, this is. Last December a friend said, “You gotta get…[Viagra].”

So, just who WAS this friend? I’m guessing it was his former mistress, Daryn Kagan (because as a “friend, ” she would be in a position to know that he could use the stuff). 

But I suppose it could been President Bush.  I mean, even though they’re not, like, BEST friends, a couple of years ago Georgereportedly said, “Rush is a great American. I am confident he can overcome any obstacles he faces right now, such as his drug addiction, his servant problem (maids who blackmail you are the WORST!), his legal misunderstandings, and his limp dick.”

(Well, maybe that’s not exactly what the President said, but you know how Drudge always gets things at least partially wrong.)

 2. Rush was in the Dominican Republic for the cigar tours (which have absolutely nothing to do with sex, despite how it might sound to you).  And he just took Viagra with him because, um, he forgot it was in his briefcase. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

A week ago Monday, I get back from three days, two-and-a-half days, in the Dominican Republic, and most of the time spent touring cigar factories and cigar farms. I had this bottle of Viagra in my briefcase. I’ve had it in there since December. I forgot it was even in there.

3. Rush has only had one erection since December.

There were 30 pills prescribed, and when they counted them out, there were 29 — and yet, everybody thinks I loaded up on the stuff for a trip to the Dominican Republic, and that’s what everybody was saying. “Wow, what went on in the Dominican Republic? Oh! (muttering).”

So, Rush is no libertine, he’s just a fat, lonely guy who has so few opportunities for sex that he forgets he even has a prescription for Viagra.  (Maybe if the prescription was in his own name, he’d have a better shot at remembering this.)

And what’s with all the muttering?

4.  The Customs Department is staffed by ugly Feminazis who are out to get Rush.

In fact, when I cleared Customs there was this… I’m going to be very restrained in describing the agent but… I’ll save that for another time.

I know I can hardly wait!

But anyway, she asks to inspect Rush’s briefcase, and just to be cooperative, he lets her, and then . . .

She he reaches in there, pulls out this bottle, says, “What have we here?” There are twenty-five people in the room. “What have we here? Viagra!” she shouts, “and look, it’s not your name on the bottle! This is a crime! This is a violation of law!”

What a bitch, concerning herself with volations of the law, and humiliating Rush that way!  She must hate men, or something, so therefore, she must be a feminist, and probably a lesbian, and really unattractive. 

Oh, and she’s undoubtedly one of those Democrats in the federal bureacracy whom Hindrocket warned us about. (You know, the traitors who are always leaking stuff that’s already on the public record, in order to make George Bush and other American heroesld leaders, such as Rush, look bad.)

 5.  Rush had an intestinal blockage in December.

“How many other prescriptions do you have, sir?”

“I’ve got two.”

“They have your name on it?”

“Yes.”

“What are they?”

“Look at ‘em.”

He said, “Well, what’s this?”

I said, “I had an intestinal blockage in December. They’re for that.”

And it was also in December that his friend suggested that he try Viagra. Coincidence, or part of the vast left-wing conspiracy to frame Rush for stuff?

But in any case, it’s good that he got that blockage taken care of, because with his anal cyst situation, it could have otherwise proven fatal! (BTW, a common side effect of oxycodone addiction is constipation. Just thought you should know.)

But you will notice that Rush didn’t tell us what the other prescription was for. My guess is that it was heroin, and prescribed for his ingrown toenails.

6.  Either Rush is no longer laundering money, or he spent all his “walking around money” in the Dominican Republic, on, um, cigars..

Let’s return to the snappy “Dragnet-esque” dialogue, this time featuring the Feminazi’s supervisor

“How much cash are you carrying?”

I started to pull my cash out.

He said, “I don’t care to see it, just tell me.”

I said, “Less than $1,500.”

Remember the good, old days, when Rush used to break banking regulations in order to have $9,999 for pocket change?

Yeah, back then, given the amount of money he earned, it was “pretty much in proportion with, you know, what anybody else earns in terms of the percentage of walking-around money and cash that they use for things.”

Ah, good times, good times!

7. Humble Rush (who, as he reminds us several times in the course of this segment, is just a “private citizen”), is not above a little name-dropping when he gets caught red-handed with the sex drugs.

Sadly, the Customs supervisor failed to get the hint about how vital Rush is to the security of our nation, and detained him anyway.

I had a little white bag of things and he opened it. “What’s this?”

I said, “Those are cuff links and golf balls from President Bush. I had lunch with him last Friday in the White House and dinner with your boss, Secretary Chertoff, the night before at the Supreme Court.”

“Well, sir, I have to tell you that this is a violation of law, and we have called authorities in Miami and blah, blah,” and they detained me for three or four hours and whatever it was.

The fact that these Customs Nazis would do this despite Rush’s bag of presidential cuff links ‘n golf balls shows just how depraved they are.

8. What Rush has learned from this incident is to never again leave the country, because it might give his archenemies in the Customs Dept. a chance to once again frame him for impotence.

Because Rush has political enemies theoretically everywhere.

Folks, I’m going to be honest with you about something here. This incident has taught me. I had a golf trip planned for Spain in August, and I have canceled it. I am not going to involve myself with United States Customs for the next year and a half until this so-called probationary period evaporates.

I’ll tell you, the election cycles of ’06 and ’08, especially ’08, I think it’s going to be one of the most vicious and filthy of our lifetimes, [... ] and I’m not going to put myself in a position of being framed. […] With all this obvious partisanship that’s out there, I’m just not going to make it easy for people to frame me or whatever. So I’ve canceled that trip to Spain. You know, I have political enemies, theoretically, everywhere I would go and come back in the country.

This incident might have taught someone else not to take medication prescribed for someone else, but what it taught Rush was that it’s the GOVERNMENT’S fault (and the Democrats’ fault) that Rush was mildly inconvenienced at the airport. Damn government!

Yeah, personal responsibility is a Republican trademark.

But anyway, I want to thank Rush for teaching me these important lessons, and I will try to apply them in my personal life, the next time I am a millionaire junkie political opinonmaker (who is also just a common person) on probation for drug violations, and I am going through customs with improperly prescribed impotence drugs.

Posted by s.z. on Friday, July 7th, 2006 at 7:31 pm.

…the next time I am a millionaire junkie political opinonmaker (who is also just a common person) on probation for drug violations, and I am going through customs with improperly prescribed impotence drugs.
But… But… But… You can’t ever be those things because you don’t have a… you know… don’t make me write it… you know…. O.K… a…
Viagara prescription!

Left by Sporty on July 7th, 2006

I dunno… What with the Republicants running out of people to blame and the Fundies running out of people to hate, it’s going to be a LONG coupla years…

Left by JoeBuddha on July 7th, 2006

The unmistakable aroma of emotionally immature petulance pervades the end of Rush’s tale– just like a chastened child sent to his room who refuses to go outside and play baseball with his friends when granted reprieve.
Just for that, I’m not going to Spain to play golf, sniff, sniff, so there. Then you’ll be sorry, boo hoo.
Way to “rise above it all,” Rush!

Left by Chris Vosburg on July 7th, 2006

No, no, I see it all now. He had an intestinal blockage in December. He hasn’t taken any Viagra since December. C’mon, people! Read for meaning here…
Clearly, he, you know, slipped or something back in December, and accidentally got the Viagra bottle lodged in his, his hindrocket. So he didn’t have a choice, he had to take it with him. Probably forgot it was in there.
Then he visits some cigar farms, has a smoke or two, and possibly that leads to a coughing fit. That loosens things back in the tradesman’s entrance, and before you know it, the Viagra falls and…
…the Viagra falls… VIAGRA FALLS?? Slowly I turned…

Left by Kip W on July 7th, 2006

I have always been able to rise above it all
If you could you wouldn’t need the Viagra! (Ba-bomp-Shing!)

Left by Hysterical Woman on July 7th, 2006

CIGAR factories??? He was touring CIGAR factories???? GAWD…. I certainly hope we all remember what happened with cigars in the previous (sadly and deeply lamented) administration… Oh…. So I guess that Rush’s little limp problems are all Clinton’s fault? Just like everything else??

Left by Marion Paquin in Savannah on July 7th, 2006

You know, I think Rush is right. This is clearly a conspiracy. A conspiracy to make me hear more details about Rush Limbaugh than will allow me to keep my lunch down.
But, I’ll tell you what. I’m willing to forget about the boner pills and the hillbilly heroin and the mistress and the blackmail and the plea bargains and the talk about Bush’s package and the draft dodging and the cyst and the Coulter-coddling and the encouraging Al Qaeda to blow up an American city… *whew*. I’ll forget all of that if he’ll just go away.
He gets to keep his money and his house and for that matter can have as many mistresses as he likes, just as long as I no longer have to hear about *or* from him.
For the record, thanks to all the terror alert shit, I’m staying out of Canada for the duration of the insanity at the border. I’ve changed my name more times than you can imagine, and a birth certificate isn’t gonna cut it for me. Frankly, I barely have the paperwork to *stay* in this country, let alone get back in.
And why is this? Well, gosh, guys like Limbaugh whipping up the idiot hordes into surrendering liberty in favor of dubious safety might have something to do with that.
So, you know, fuck you, Rush, and I’m sure Spain won’t weep.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 7th, 2006

But still, the question MUST be asked–why would a God-fearing decent American (not to mention a “family values” type republican) tell Russ (a SINGLE man–a BACHELOR!) to try viagra?!
GOD. I hate republicans. And I’m sorry to say that includes my family. Unless they get a clue and say “Hey! Rush-a BACHELOR-had viagra?! That’s not RIGHT!” (and they need to do it in that Kevin Meany voice)

Left by maryc on July 8th, 2006

When I was young and walked 3 miles uphill to and from school, Republicans honored war heroes and despised chickenhawk druggies. War profiteering was illegal and disgusting and the Republican’t leadership actually served in combat.
Honest, I am not making this up. Hey, Goddamn it! Stop laughing! I am not a fucking liar!

Left by Anonymous on July 8th, 2006

When I was young and walked 3 miles uphill to and from school, Republicans honored war heroes and despised chickenhawk druggies. War profiteering was illegal and disgusting and the Republican’t leadership actually served in combat.
Honest, I am not making this up. Hey, Goddamn it! Stop laughing! I am not a fucking liar!
OK, I didn’t really walk uphill to school both ways.

Left by merlallen on July 8th, 2006

I bet the fat motherfucker was told not to leave the country.

Left by merlallen on July 8th, 2006

I’d bet, too, and that it has something to do with “this so-called probationary period.”
The people of Spain just voted to give a medal to U.S. Customs.

Left by R.Porrofatto on July 8th, 2006

I’m not really sure which mental image is more projectile vomit inducing, Stiffy Rush™ or Floppy Rush™. Since I can’t decide, I think I’ll lump ‘em together into a catch-all category; Nekkid Rush™.
Oh, ayup. That does it…
[blaarrfff!!]

Left by Marq on July 8th, 2006

1. Had you been able to gather together the greatest, most agile, most creative minds in all of academia and public relations and, for a king’s ransom, given them a year to complete this single task: “Make the name Rush Limbaugh more cringeworthy than ever” they could not have topped this story.
2. In a somewhat similar vein, if you wanted to demonstrate the practical results of twenty-five years of the racist, self-serving, ethically, intellectually, and morally bankrupt modern Republican party you need look no further than this: the lying pukebucket of the airwaves, scourge of drug abusers everywhere, defender of personal responsibility who feels no compunction to obey the fucking law while he’s on probation. And the human flotsam that applauds it because like what he says. After Limbaugh, the whole country is a pilonidal cyst.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 8th, 2006

Hmmm…
and image of Rush that’s more cringeworthy and vomit inducing?
Ah, got it!
Rush Linbaugh clad only in a black thong, gyrating to “Chewy Chewy” by Ohio Express, giving a lap dance to Anne Coulter, edging close enough to her to remove the thong…with her teeth, while Michelle stands in back of him, swatting his butt to the beat of the music…leading them to a hot tub where an already naked Matt Drudge is seated, ushering them with a broad grin…
Oh, that wasn’t a dare, was it?

Left by Bill S on July 8th, 2006

Okay, so his friend said “you realy gotta try this intestinal blockage thing”? Ewww! No wait, so both Rush and his friend had intestinal blockages, and his friend said… Hold on, maybe his friend was a sex therapist and Rush’s colon was blocked with cigars so he…

Left by melior on July 8th, 2006

So, when is World O Crap gonna throw down and join the YouTube wars being waged on Sadly,No! Atrios and more? Cuz I got a whoooolllle lotta musical theater ideas to arm you all with…

Left by maryc on July 8th, 2006

maryc makes an excellent point. Since Rush is unmarried (thrice divorced, to be precise, in violation of God’s law), he has no buainess using his dick for anything other than peeing. All of his present listeners should shun him for his sinful ways.

Left by Frederick on July 8th, 2006

The thing that bothers me the most about this whole thing is that Rush had to go to the Dominican Republic. Aren’t American child prostitutes good enough for him?

Left by Lloyd on July 8th, 2006

He smokes Cuban cigars and drinks French wine, too, Lloyd. I’d love to see his audience’s reaction to that.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 8th, 2006

Having caught Rush with Viagra, the prosecutors should throw the book at him. He’s obviously a hardened criminal.

Left by Frederick on July 9th, 2006

“Intestinal blockage’ sounds a lot like one of the side-effects of some other medications he’s been ‘taking’.
Has Rush ever come clean on his deafness being related to his ‘addiction’? There was an article about the connection between using codine long-term and hearing loss in the LA Times about 2 weeks before Flush got busted, but that part of the story got lost, apparently.

Left by The Dark Avenger on July 9th, 2006

I like the fact that Rush travels with the president’s balls.

Left by mark on July 9th, 2006

Bill S, I’ll buy that little scenario (for a dollah!), but only if the hot tub Drudge is in is filled with raw eggs. Yeah, that’s the tick–uh oh.
[blaaarrrfff--again!! ]

Left by Marq on July 9th, 2006

Bill Hicks (RIP) did a routine about a Barbara Bush, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh threesome was pure genius.

Left by Panicthe on July 9th, 2006

The Dark Avenger avers (darkly!): “‘Intestinal blockage’ sounds a lot like one of the side-effects of some other medications he’s been ‘taking’.”
It also sounds a lot like another way of saying that which we’ve always known:
Rush is fulla shit.

Left by Chris Vosburg on July 10th, 2006

I think it is incumbent upon us all to petition Rush’s ball-bearing semi-buddy Dubya to pardon him from his so-called year and a half probation, and then to buy the Oxycontin Ox some one-way airplane tickets so he will leave. I hear Kabul is nice this time of year.

Left by gjdodger on July 11th, 2006

“Anal Cyst Situation” my Aunt Fanny! So, this is where Coulter got her “anal sex and fisting” experience/info! Apparently, she wanted to try it out on a tutu wearing submissive called Rush (who has a strange resemblence to another grade a-A**hole, J. Edgar Hoover, another blustering, slander-mongering p.o.s.). Now it’s all coming into focus…Rush on his knees in his tutu, begging his “mistress” to punish him for being a bad, bad boy.

Left by posttoasty on July 11th, 2006

Aaarrgghh! Again with the…
[bblaaaarrrrffff!1!!]

Left by Marq on July 12th, 2006

Y’know, this comments thread is really adversely affecting my ability to keep food down. Urp.

Left by Marq on July 12th, 2006