October 6, 2003 by s.z.

So Why ISN'T the ACLU Defending Rush Limbaugh? Per his website (Rush's Truth Detector), fired sports announcer Limbaugh used Monday's radio program to discuss how the fine folks at Fox News have the right perspective on his "innocuous" comments, and to share some of Bob Novak's "Capital Gang" comments with his listeners: NOVAK: Three Democratic candidates for president, - Wesley Clark, Howard Dean and Al Sharpton - not only attacked Rush Limbaugh, they called on ESPN to fire him. Heaven help us if they think they caused Rush's demise. Where is the ACLU, if self-appointed political leaders think the First Amendment means so little they can get rid of any commentator that they consider politically incorrect? That's bad news for the people at this table who make their living the way we do. It could be worse news for the American people.  Rush added: RUSH: I'm sort of happy to hear that because one of the comments that I shared with you last week, an EIB executive dropped in here during a commercial break and said, "You know, it's interesting. The First Amendment, as does the whole Constitution, limits what government can do. The Constitution is a limitation on the government. That's where the whole concept of limited government derives. That's where it all comes from. The Constitution limits government and empowers people, and yet in this whole episode you had three presidential candidates demanding that an American citizen be fired for exercising the First Amendment, free speech." That's what Novak is talking about here, asking: Where is the ACLU? "It's a little scary," he says, "when people who seek the top job in this country, top executive job, and swear an oath to the Constitution then set out to get people who are saying things they don't like fired." In Novak's words, "That's not healthy." Um, Rush, Bob, let's read the First Amendment, okay: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. Now, maybe my eyes are going bad, but I don't see where it says: "Politicians who aspire to public office and who think Rush Limbaugh is a racist just because he made some innocuous remarks that most of America find objectional shall make no remarks to the public about how they think his employer should fire him."  And when I read the remarks of Clark, Dean, and Sharpton, I don't see where they were forcing or even suggesting that Congress make laws prohibiting Rush from saying stupid things on TV.  And as far as I know, being a Democratic Presidential hopeful doesn't mean that the goverment accepts your idle words as law and forces private employers to fire the people whom you don't like.  (And, BTW, there is also nothing in the that ammendment which prohibits ESPN from firing people whose speech they object to, since they aren't the Government; they are also not compelled to let every yahoo with a big mouth use their airwaves to transmit speech, even if it is protected from government interference .)  So, exactly where does the Constitutional crisis come in? Rush, I know this is a novel concept for you, but while YOU have the right to make racist remarks without the government shutting you down, OTHER PEOPLE have the right to say that you're a jerk for doing so, and this does NOT constitute a Constitutional abridgement of your rights.  And Bob, if Al Sharpton does become President and consequently swears to uphold the Constitution, he will still be allowed to say that, in his opinion, ESPN should fire racist sports announcers--he just won't per permitted, under the Constitution, to order the troops to get Rush off the air (unless we all vote for an Ammendment, of course . . .)  So Bob, now might be the time to cop to a drug problem and take a leave of absence.  You just sound stupider and stupider each time you open your mouth. 11:54:29 PM

Schwarzenegger Denounces "Puke Politics," Throws Reporter at Media (Santa Clara, CA)  At an election-eve rally in Silicon Valley, a question about "saving Hitler's brain" apparently caused an already stressed Arnold Schwarzenegger to snap and resort to violence.  Spectators were horried to see the governor-hopeful pick up a Los Angeles Times reporter and throw him at other members of the media.  Hospital officials indicated that Bob Arnoldson, the Times reporter, was bruised and shaken, but escaped serious injury due to the cushiony softness of the other reporters he landed on. A penitent Schwarzenegger said he was sorry if he'd ever done anything to offend anyone's sensibilites, and added that "nobody is perfect, so who are YOU to judge me!"  Schwarzenegger said that he is sick and tired of "puke politics," and wanted to teach the media a lesson about picking on a guy who works out.  Schwarzenegger further explained  that he thought that the Times reporter was a woman, due to Arnoldson's man-breasts, and was just putting "her" in her place.  Arnold claimed that he has many female supporters, most of whom he's never fondled, and so allegations that he's disrespectful of women hurt his feelings.  As to the rumor that he has the brain of former German leader Adolf Hitler saved in a jar of life-sustaing "head juice" and it is the mastermind behind Schwarzenegger's rise to political power, Arnold's spokesman replied "No Comment." 10:10:22 PM

In Order To Form A More Perfect Union        We thought that the Official State Religion matter was settled.  We assumed that you'd all just convert to your state's assigned faith, or move to a state offering a religion, philosophy, or high-pressure marking scheme that you could live with.  However, your comments, plus some vital new information we have uncovered, made it seem advisable to update this for a final time, thus ensuring that the Constitution is well-served, and the Dittoheads aren't preyed upon by their cunning Zombie neighbors.  So, on to vital new imformation: As we noted a couple of days ago, Ann Coulter recently addressed the University of NC School of Law.  She was paid $20,000 for her appearance, with the Federalist Society for Law and Public Policy Studies paying $12,000 of that.  As you may know, the Federalist Society is Ken Starr's old gang, "a group of conservatives and libertarians interested in the current state of the legal order."  It is heavily funded by "eccentric" billionaire, Richard Scaife Mellon, Ann's patron and alter-ego.  And what does this have to do with Official State Religions?  Well, the Federalist Society IS really high on states' rights, traditional values, and returning religion to public forums.  So, we're hoping that they will give us $12,000 to talk to some college about our new plan.   But anyway, on to Ann's message to the law students: after preaching the gospel of Racial Profiling (it's key tenent: only swarthy men do bad stuff, so blonde women should be exempt from airport security checks), Ann said: "Liberals don't think of themselves as Americans. They aren't betraying America because they don't think of America as their own country." A rather outlandish comment on the face of it, but when you put it with other things which Ann has said in the past, it all points to her advocacy of our Official States Religion plan. You see, back in 2001, Ann said (in the seminal Disestablish the Cult of Liberalism ): It's well past time for liberalism to be declared a religion and banned from public schools. [snip] We're told the First Amendment requires a separation of church and state, which, just as an incidental matter, is completely false. The whole point of the Constitution is to separate the federal government from the individual. In keeping with the general theme, the First Amendment provides that Congress cannot establish a religion -- but nor can it stop the states from establishing religions. It's hard to imagine now, but before the official government religion was liberalism -- devoted to class warfare, ethnic hatred and intolerance -- Americans were kind to one another. They managed to get along even without ACLU lawsuits. So, Ann has previously advocated the establishment of official state religions, and she's already recognized "Liberalism" as the nation's first official religion.  And under Ann's plan, each state gets to make its own laws on "important" issues so eventually everybody feels more loyalty to the state than to the nation.  Ann was just using her patented technique of "lying" when she told the law students that this has happened, and liberals don't feel America is their country anymore. But now the question becomes: which state gets Liberalism for its official religion.  I have to say New York.  Mainly because that's where Ann lives, and it would annoy her no end.  But also because New York is our third most populous state, and from the way Ann carries on, EVERYBODY is a liberal (and a traitor) but her, and so Liberalism should get one of bigger states, population-wise.  Also, per Ann, before Liberalism became an official religion, everybody was nice to each other.  I think Ann would approve of making the rest of the country kinder by segregating all of the liberals in New York, where Ann should show them how tolerance, kindness, and civility are done.  (Note to Albany: State boundaries are elastic, so if New York State isn't big enough for all of you, take whatever territory you need -- the other states, being non-liberal, and therefore polite and kind, will give you whatever you want.)   And if we are giving Liberalism its own state, then it seems only fair to give a territory to Conservatism.  But if we don't, it's just because we're liberals, and widely known for our evil. Also, while looking up Ann stuff, we came upon this quote in a piece advocating Roy Mooreism (Rocks Vs Trees) : Those most basic of rights exist outside of, beyond and prior to any government.  They are unalienable, and come from their (all citizen's) creator.  In a word, God.  The God of the Jews, the Moslems, the Christians and a number of other faiths.  (If you worship trees, feel free to imagine that they gave you your inalienable rights.  But, if your tree religion forces you to demand the removal of a symbol related to those faiths listed above, then to provide equal justice for all we must remove all trees from public property.  Besides removing the trees from all the courthouse lawns in every city, and pulling them out by the roots from every state, county and city park, that would include clearcutting every square foot of every national park in America.) So, if those hypothetical Tree Worshippers demand the removal of ANYTHING, especially Roy's Rock, this guy has a plan to fix 'em GOOD!  And this reminded us that we hadn't included Druidism on our list. Okay, now on to your comments, and my concessions to your brilliance, logic, and wit: Thanks so much from a Washington resident! When asked, I say I'm a non-believer. When pressed to dissemble, I say "Frisbetarian" - I believe when you die your soul gets caught on the roof and no one can get it down. Phil LOL, Phil.  I'm adding Frisbetarian as an alternate Washington State religion (in case people want to believe in something, but something light--Frisbetarian can be kind of like the Jell-O of religions, in that there's always room for it. Wouldn't Utah just naturally be the Mormons? twig •  Oh wait, same thing. Sorry, blame 7 am. twig • Hey, no problem, Twig.  We thought the same thing, when we were first assigning the religions, but it got too hard, and that's why we relied on SCIENCE! to do the job for us.  Since the Mormons do have a lot of stuff (food storeage, geneology, Temple Square) in Utah, they might want to do some kind of religion swap, so they didn't have to move it all.  (The Mormons would get Utah, and the Seventh-Day Adventists would get Indiana).  We'll see how this plays out. 1. Haven't you missed out the Muslims? Perhaps they could have Guam. 2. Couldn't you put the Catholics and the lapsed Catholics a little closer? Florida to Alaska is such a long way to move when you lapse. 3. Rastafarianism for Wyoming is just...perfect. Diane I SWEAR, the Muslims did have a State when I started the list.  Somebody must have invaded them and converted them to Christianity.  (Ann Coulter, please report to the principal's office.)  I'll make sure they're on the list this time, though. And good point about the distance you have to travel if you lapse from Catholicism.  We could give the Lapsed Catholics the neighboring state of Georgia (I think Ivan would find them humorous enough), but we don't want to ENCOURAGE lapsing by making it too easy, now do we?  We'll have to think about this for a minute.  1. "Haven't you missed out the Muslims? Perhaps they could have Guam." Forget that. I just remembered that under Patriot II all Muslims will probably be jailed or deported anyway, so won't need a state. Maybe give Guam to the Promise Keepers instead? Diane • Diane, you're right about the Patriot Act, but this still just doesn't seem fair.  I still want to give the Muslims something.  And the Promise Keepers too, since they did have that Six Million-Dollar Man rally and everything, which shows that they believe strongly in bionics.  Maybe we could give them the Silicon Valley portion of Christian California. So...the price for Texas getting football is that we have to take Bush back? Couldn't you just give us the Scientologists? Pete Pete, buddy, I feel your pain, but SOMEBODY has to have him.  But I did some research and found that the State of Texas GOP Platform of 2002 included the following aims: Dispel the "myth" of the separation of church and state.     Oppose any form of gun control Since Secular Humanism is recognized by the United States Supreme Court as a religion ... Secular Humanism should be subjected to the same state and federal laws as any other recognized religions.  So, since Texas is apparently the only state where Republicans are making it a goal to recognize Secular Humanism as a religion, I think it's only fair to make it Texas's NEW official State Religion.  Along with Gun Worship.  We'll find somewhere else for Bush, though -- we don't trust him around guns. Actually having spent some time in Alaska and having friends from there. The state religion in Alaska should be guns, guns, and more guns. Charleton Heston could be the high priest. You've never seen so many street signs with bullet holes until you visit Alaska.  Great state. Gun crazy people.  JimJ Hmm, I bow to experience here.  Okay, Texas has to give Gun Worship to Alaska, but in return, Texas gets Football back.  But I'll still find somewhere other than Texas for Bush. Scott provides us with many interesting ideas: Ann's Words O' Wisdom: "[snip] States and localities would be free to sculpt themselves into whatever kind of place the denizens prefer. If an individual feels unduly oppressed by those laws, he can move. "Plainly, Ann's vision of the future includes an America similar to 18th century Italy: a patchwork of Principalities, duchies, papal holdings and city-states. We're going to have to revise our national motto (Version 2.0 will probably read: "E Unum Pluribus") but now we won't be limited to awarding entire states to religious sects. For instance, if Hollywood becomes a Venetian-style republic, then they can get the Scientologists. This is convenient, because the Hubbardites already own 60% of the buildings on Hollywood Boulevard anyway, and because it will keep them within easy extortion distance of their flock, i.e., bone-headed celebrities. Cool!  I was wondering what to do with the Scientologists ever since Pete brought them up.  They can have a Scientologist Duchy in Hollywood.  Also, when reading the blurb for Laura Ingrahams new book, Shut Up, Bitch, I noted that it reveals much about the all-powerful elites, including the following: "Entertainer" Madonna: how she and other figures revered by the elites implicitly (and often explicitly) establish themselves as their own gods. So, since Hollywood seems to be the center of this phenomenon, maybe the Scientologists will have to share their turf with a pluralistic religion which features a pantheon of celebrities who have established themselves as their own god (and the god of their obsessive fans).  We see this as similar to classic Greek mythology, in that there is a bevy of gods and godesses to reflect any particular taste and lifestyle, and the attributes of these god and goddesses are changeable over time.  For example, Madonna used to be Aphrodite, goddess of sex, but has recently remade herself into a Hera-like goddess of hearth, home, and lesbian kissing.  So, each god or goddess will have his or her own small cult, just like they do now, and when these gods fall from favor and are no longer worshipped, they will have to move, probably to athesistic Idaho. Scott adds: So I think S.Z. should feel free to draw new and arbitrary borders through and between the states, regardless of history, traditional affiliations, or demographics.  Look how well it worked out when the British did it in the Middle East and Africa. Speaking of which, since Iraq is on it's way to becoming the 51st state, we'll need to assign them a religion. Something fresh and kicky. Something that requires worshipping Tom Jones, or wearing a beret and Danskin on days of Holy Obligation. That way, when the Christians of California conquer Nevada, the refugee Las Vegans will be able to move to Iraq. The climates are similar, and because of the lax firearms laws in Nevada, the refugees will be comfortable with the easily availability of automatic weapons. I like it!  And since we are spending, like $60 billion to rebuild Iraq, we should own them at the end (much like how those "Rent to Own" appliance places finally let you keep something after you've paid five times what it's worth).  And Iraq should be FORCED to become a state, so the Iraqis will have to pay taxes and eventually repay the $60 billion (they can keep the Halliburton and other administration-connected company consultants as our free gift to them).  I like Scott's idea for their Official Religion too: I don't know if Show Girls is a religion yet (it DOES have a cult following, of course), but unless I can think of something better, that can be their new faith. Hold up. First, I have to know if the Mormons will be able to reinstate polygamy. And if my Senior Wife won't go along with that we'll have to sell our house to some Latter-Day Saints, who, it is well known, travel with a copy of the Ten Commandments and a $20 bill and don't break either. Then we'll have to move somewhere with a higher cost of living and a different cable system. I'm gonna need some Federal assistance. Or do I have to move to Iraq for that? Doghouse Riley Of course the Mormons will be able to reinstate polygamy.  Ann Coulter encourages, nay DEMANDS, that each state, county, or Neighborhood Watch make it's own laws based on whatever it believes.  However, the Mormons may choose not to do it, since they're kind of out of practice, and have too many kids already.  By telling them about my recently introduced "Swapping States" policy, maybe you can get the Mormons and the Seventh-Day Adventists to trade.  However, the Seventh-Day Adventists are equally strict about stuff, adding eating meat to the list of "Thous Shalt Nots", so possibly you're better off with the Mormons -- they are indeed a thrifty people, and not a lot of fun at parties, but they do make a mean Jell-O salad.  And as to the Federal assistance, I don't think Ann Coutler would approve (she's against all forms of public assistance).  So, you'll just have to show your self-reliance by either robbing a gas station or getting a large grant from the Federalist Society.  I think we need to give Delaware to the Muslims. Here is my reasoning: even if Patriot II jails many of the non judeo-christians, a significant portion of Muslims will still be free. Why? Because Ashcroft's "Justice" Department will have also filled the jails with Sikhs, Latinos, Mormons and Amway reps all of whom are occasionally mistaken for Muslim. Since many, many Muslims are caucasian and thus will escape the internal sweeps of the department of "Justice" they need a state. Delaware makes the most sense since it is close to the eastern airports which will facilitate the pilgrimages to Mecca.  Also, they will (eventually) get along quite well with their neighbors, the Evangelicals (Penn), Southern Baptists (NJ) and the Eastern Orthodox (MD).  I'd say that the addition of the Muslims would make that a vibrant corner in the nation, leading to the establishment of wonderfully diverse theological colleges, and to the eventual opening of coffeehouses on every corner. The Jedis? Since theirs is an asexual crowd of boys/men (similar to the Shakers) I think they should be sent either to Guam (where, at least, the fresh air and sun will do them good) or to Iowa to learn new ceremonies and meditation techniques from the Hindus. I think the Jedis and Hindus would hit it off pretty well, and help to develop each other's beliefs in new and interesting ways. update--when I said the Shakers are similar to the Jedis, I meant in that they are asexual, not that Shakers are all men.  The difference is that Shakers do not have sex by choice. chica toxica Chica has brought up several excellent points.  I defer to her wisdom regarding the Muslims, and hereby give them Delaware.  And I agree that the Hindus and the Jedi would make fine roommates.  As Chica said, they can teach each other meditation techniques and mind tricks ("Those aren't the nuclear weapons you're seeking.  Move along").  And since we didn't give the Shakers any territory (and they do make such nice furniture), they can share Iowa with the Jedi and Hindus (they shouldn't take up much room, since they practiced asexuality all too well).  But they have to promise to help the Jedi master that chastity thing, because we all know what happened with Anakin defied Jedi law and did it with Senator Amidala--yes, we got the promise of another crappy Star Wars movie to look forward to. Native American is the old religion on Maine; we saved the upkeep on a church and paying a minister by communing with the Great Spirit, Miller's, in the woods. But sadly, the current religion of Maine is coffee brandy, marijuana, and oxycotin. We're trying to get us some casino gambling, so at least our folks have a chance to work the twenty-dollar blow job game. Tabitha King • Tabitha, I feel your pain.  We'll see if there is any remedy available to your state, like eliminating the state tax on Millers, once it becomes your Official State Sacrament.   Or maybe we could make it an alternate State Religion, and you could get corporate sponsorship. So we get Idaho now? Sweet. I wasn't really looking forward to Mississippi. Plus, in Idaho I'll be right next door to Wyoming and the Rastafarians, ensuring a ready supply of quality...reggae. Yeah, that's it, love that reggae music. But the drive would be complicated by having to avoid all the Dittoheads wandering aimlessly in the streets, unsure of what to do, think, or say while their god is in the slammer. Couldn't we cut off a portion of some other state for them? How about the north woods of Maine? According to Tabitha, OxyContin is already part of the religion, so it should be an easy move. Dave Now, now, Dave--nobody wants the Dittoheads in their backyard, but they have to live somewhere (or DO they?)  While your idea of letting them loose in a state where OxyContin is plentiful is tempting, from what Tabitha said, Maine has enough problems with their own rednecks there.  But I'll see what I can do about moving the Dittoheads for you, because once their leader is gone, being unaccustomed to thinking for themselves, they'll inevitably get fleeced by the telemarketers in neighboring Montana, and eaten by the Zombies of North Dakota. Wait, wait, wait!!! As a lapsed Catholic I have to protest! Yes, we worry about burning in hell, but Dante says the center of the Inferno is a block of ice, so you can't put us in Alaska! We need a nice, temperate, limbo sort of state. Something like Maryland. susan • Hmm, you make a valid point about Dante and stuff.  And I guess Maryland IS far away enough from Florida to keep people from lapsing out of convenience.  Okay, Maryland is yours--I'll find someplace further East for the Eastern Orthodox. As a Canadian, I bitterly resent being left out of these proceedings. Being Canadian, as you well know, IS a very popular religion and I think it only fair you grant the thousands of us you have so callously ignored up till now a piece of land we can call our own. Wait a minute .... Alison Wow, we have left out the Canadians, and that wasn't very kind of us (gee, you'd almost think we were LIBERALS or something).  And yes, Canadianism IS a popular religion (well, some call it a cult), and it does promote many positive values, such as politeness, decency, not littering, and alternative spelling.  Okay, you guys can have a state--well, you'll have to SHARE a state, 'cause we're running out.  I'll try to find you one of the less-developed ones, so you'll feel right at home.  Well, to make you feel right at home, well give you two states--one for the English speakers, and one for the French speakers.  In the interest of completeness, and to avoid possible misunderstandings at a later date, I think it would be best to establish religions for all of the US's territories, as enumeratedhere:http://www.worldlicenseplates.com/world/NA_USDT.html . Incidentally, I think it would be cool to have a Taoist state. Cheers! GeoX EXCELLENT, GeoX.  I was running out of places to put some of these weirdos (not to cast aspersions on the Canadians or anything).  This gives us additional creative scope too.  Thanks!  In return for your bounty, you will have your Taoist state. And while implementing all of your suggestions, I thought of some other groups who needed homelands too, and added them to the list. So, with no further ado, I give you: The New IMPROVED Official State Religion List 1.  California:                  Christian, but within its borders will be the Independent Hubbardite Duchy of Hollywood, and the Cult of Fame (centered in the Los Angeles area), with its many temples devoted to the worship of various actors, pop stars, and other celebrities      2. Texas:                        Secular Humanism, Football 3. New York:                 Liberalism  4. Florida:                      Catholic   5. Illinois:                      Protestantism 6. Pennsylvania:            "Born again" or "evangelical"  7. Ohio:                          Evangelical (theologically),  Avon 8. Michigan:                   Methodist, United Methodist Church 9. New Jersey:              Baptist, Southern Baptist 10. Georgia:                   Judaism 11. North Carolina:        Sikhism, Mimes 12. Virginia:                   Presbyterian, Lord of the Ringism 13. Massachusetts:        Eastern Orthodox 14. Indiana:                   Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) 15. Washington:            Non-religious, Frisbetarians 16. Tennessee:              gay/lesbian 17. Missouri:                  Episcopalian, Satanists 18. Wisconsin:               Lutheran, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America 19. Maryland:                 Lapsed Catholics 20. Arizona:                   Pentecostal 21. Minnesota:              Buddhist 22. Louisiana:               Non-denominational 23. Alabama:                 French Speakers , French Speaking Canadians 24. Colorado:                Megachurch attendance, Sports (non-football denomination) 25. Kentucky:                Jehovah's Witnesses 26. South Carolina        United Church of Christ, Martha Stewartentalism 27. Oklahoma:              Mennonite Church USA 28. Oregon:                   agnostic, Druids 29. Connecticut             Churches of Christ 30. Iowa:                       Hindu, Jedi, Shaker 31. Mississippi:              Baha'i, Harry Potter-style Witchcraft 32. Kansas:                    Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) 33. Arkansas:                 Unitarian Universalist 34. Utah:                        Seventh-day Adventists 35. Nevada:                   Neo-pagan (incl. Wiccans) 36. New Mexico:            Church of the Nazarene 37. West Virginia:          Reformed Church in America (RCA); Zenith, Magnovox 38. Nebraska:                Zoroastrianism, Regular-speaking Canadians 39. Idaho:                      Atheists 40. Maine:                      Native American Religionists, Millerites (Who want to remind you, It's Always Miller Time!) 41. New Hampshire:      Libertarian party members 42. Hawaii:                     Deism 43. Rhode Island:           Weight Watchers 44. Montana:                  Amway, Herbal Life, Telemarketers 45. Delaware:                Muslims 46. South Dakota:          Royites, Moonies. 47. North Dakota:          Zombies, Excommunicated Royites 48. Alaska:                     Gun Worshippers United (led by Charleton Heston) 49. Vermont:                  Ba'al 50. District of Columbia: primal-indigenous 51. Wyoming:                Rastafarianism Guam:                              Taoism Iraq:                                 Showgirlism American Samoa:            Palm Pilotism  Johnston Island/Atoll:    Promise Keepers  Midway Island:                Jewish Mysticism, as practiced by ditsy celebrities N. Mariana Islands:         Dittoheads Panama Canal Zone:       Mel Gibsons Passion of Christ-ites           Puerto Rico:                    UFOlogy U.S. Virgin Islands:         Conservatives Wake Island:                  George Bush Well, there you have it.  I hope everybody can find something to their liking on this list, and either convert to it or move to it's assigned location by 1 January, because that's what makes America great: The Constitution. And tune in tomorrow when we break the explosive story of "Pineapple Parfait Cake-Gate!"  It was dubbed a "delicate party cake with a temptin' fruity flavor," but an administration was toppled when this was revealed to be a lie!  And we have the photos to prove it!  3:16:17 AM

October 2, 2003 by s.z.

We Hold This Truth To Be Self-Evident: Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat, Idiot Who No Longer Works for ESPN Now here's Rich Lowry, explaining that Rush was just punished because he courageously dared to tell the self-evident truth: that the liberal elite media, as part of their social agenda of claiming that blacks are as good as whites, conspired to talk up Donovan McNabb: Rush and Race . Next, Rush Limbaugh will be forced to resign for saying that Katie Couric is cute, that Saddam Hussein is evil, and that the sun rises in the east. His recent comment on ESPN that sports reporters might want a black quarterback to succeed because of their "social concern" is self-evidently true. That it created a furor leading to his resignation is a sign of a pervasive double standard in American life -- the left obsessively racializes nearly everything, but if a conservative dares mention anything related to race, he is dubbed a "racist" and considered unfit for polite company. A few points: 1.  Katie Couric isn't "self-evidentially" cute, that's just what the liberal media WANTS you to believe, in order to further its social agenda of giving work to women with little noses. 2.   Rush didn't say that sports reporters "might" want a black athlete to succeed because of their "social concern," he said: I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NFL.  The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well.  There's a little hope invested in McNabb, and he got a lot of credit for the performance of this team that he'd didn't deserve. See, what Rush actually said that the media gave McNabb credit he didn't deserve because he's black, and they did it out of social concern.  The charge Rush made isn't wanting somebody to succeed out of social concern; it's that the media (code for: "the left-leaning, liberal-elite media") misrepresented the facts in order to make it look like a black man could succeed in a traditionally white man's job, in order to further their "agenda" (with the implication being that this "agenda" is pretending that blacks CAN be good quarterbacks, even though its self-evident that they can't). 3.  And while saying that something is "self-evident" is apparently Rich's way of indicating that the thing is so true that he doesn't have to bother to provide proof for his assertions, the fact is, I don't accept this.  I want the results of a scientific study showing just how many sports reporters want McNabb to suceed because he's black, due to their "liberal" social concern.  And how many sports reporters DON'T want a black quarterback to suceed, because of THEIR social concerns.  And how many sports reporters don't  care one way or the other, because their main concern is sports, and they said what they said about McNabb because it was their opinon of his ability and efforts at that time.  I think the results could prove interesting. 3. Since Rush knew all about the all-encompassing media and it's "social program," he also surely knew that his words would create a "furor."  That's why he said them.  That's been his shtick all along.  Live by the furor, die by the furor.  He can't complain "No fair" now, Rich.  4.  Rush was dubbed a racist because he IS a racist, not just somebody who happened to "mention" race (other bloggers have provided some very interesting quotes from Rush's radio show--read them and weep).  Rush was found unfit for polite company BY polite company long before this. 9:23:21 PM

Our Teeth Feel Fine Okay, we haven't checked in with our friend Bill O'Reilly for a while. Time now for "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day." I want to use this time, once again, to thank all of you who are supporting my new book. It's Who's Looking Out for You? It will debut at number one on the New York Times bestseller list a week from Sunday[So there, Al Franken!]. But much more importantly, the success of this book sends a powerful message to the character assassins [i.e., Al Franken] and their enablers [i.e., the NY Times, everybody who bought Al's book] that many Americans deplore that tactic and want a book that's honest and constructive. Believe me when I tell you, many of the smear merchants are gnashing their teeth today.  They are not looking out for you. The book is.  [Everybody is against you but this book! You must trust the book--it's your only friend!]  And there's nothing ridiculous about that. Well, that's a matter of opinion, Bill.  But we have to admit that we are supporting your book in our own way (by mentioning it here), because it provides us with days of blogging fun.  For instance, we find it quite amusing that the "success" of your book is sending a "powerful message" to Al Franken and your other critics about how people want a book that is "honest and constructive."  I would posit that the message REALLY being sent to Al is "Gee, people are gullible," while the message sent to his publisher is, "We've got to get somebody to write a a  book pointing out the lies in O'Reilly's new book ASAP, so Bill will sue us and we can retire to the Riviera." But it was nice of you to worry about Janet Maslin's teeth, Bill -- I hear that her dentist gave her a mouthguard, and she's coming along nicely.  7:15:31 PM

Dirty Georgie? While this (No Banned Arms Found in Iraq So Far, U.S. Inspector Confirms) isn't unexpected, I was kind of surprised at Clifford D. May, after giving his explanation of the The WMD Mystery (his theory: Saddam destroyed his WMDs circa 1998, but TOLD everybody he still had them, so he could still look macho and not lose face with his homies), would say the following: In other words, Saddam may have metaphorically wrapped his gun in a baggie and buried it in his back yard [or cut it into pieces and threw them into the river, which would match your theory better, Cliff] – and then walked out into the street waving a toy pistol at the world. No matter. Such a gesture is still threatening. The use of lethal force was still a justified response. You know, like in those cases when the cops says that the kid was theatening them with a gun and that's why they were forced to gun him down, and it's found that the boy just had a toy pistol?  Well, even if the PD does later rule that the use of lethal force was justified (to community outrage, since they figure that the cops should have looked a little better before using lethal force), the cops do at least get put on desk duty while everything is investigated and sorted out.  And the mother of the kid does win zillions of dollars from the city, when she sues for wrongful death.  Cliff, are you SURE you want to make Bush the cop in this instance? 6:32:22 PM

Constitutionality, Religion, Interstate Holy Wars: This Plan Has Them All!  Okay, I did some more research on the Constitutionality of this new Official State Church thing, and learned that it really is what our Founding Fathers wanted.  First, here's David Limbaugh himself (The myth of church-state separation): There is nothing in the Constitution mandating a separation of church and state. (The phrase originated in a letter from Thomas Jefferson.) When you hear people talking about the supposed "separation of church and state," what they usually mean is "The Establishment Clause of the First Amendment requires a separation." But it doesn't. Aside from the fact that the Establishment Clause has been erroneously extended to apply to the states as well as Congress, let's look how far the scope of "establishment" has been stretched on both the state and federal levels. [snip] Now seriously, just how far do we have to suspend our disbelief to conclude that the Framers intended to prohibit such an election merely facilitated -- not initiated -- by a public school? Well, first we have to ignore that the First Amendment restricted the federal Congress only. Second, we have to disregard that it also prohibited Congress from intruding on the states' right to establish religion if they so chose.   Thus, as fellow scholar Alan Keyes said, the Constitution just prohibits the Federal Government from establishing a state-religion, leaving this power to the states.  And here's Ann Coulter asking the question Must Christian conservatives be fascists? (her answer is YES, 'cause the Constitution says so).  In this article, she states that the the Federal Goverment shouldn't make ANY laws about important stuff, like religion, gay marriage,  or abortion, because these things should be left up to the individual states, towns, or co-op boards.  (Besides it being the only Constitutional thing to do, she says that Conservatives have power in the heartland, but always lose on the national level --  thus, they could reinstate those Jim Crow laws, if it weren't for those meddling feds.)  Anyway, here's where she points out your remedy if you don't like your local laws or theocracy : Moreover, the states and towns would create a perpetual marketplace of laws, regulations and ideas. If you don't like porno being sold at the corner market, you could move. If you don't like porno not being sold at the corner market, you could move. (And then at the end of the year, we'll tabulate which town has more crime, venereal disease, rape and unwanted pregnancies.) States and localities would be free to sculpt themselves into whatever kind of place the denizens prefer. If an individual feels unduly oppressed by those laws, he can move. And it's a lot easier to move to the town next door, or even the state next door, than to move to Canada. That's how federalism creates the maximum freedom possible. So, now that it's established by two of our nation's finest legal scholars that the States CAN (and should) establish their own official religions, and that these states can (and should) base their laws on their official religions, I will now address some comments which came in response to the first draft of the Official State Religion List. First, Ivan said, I hate to nitpick, but as a resident of Georgia I must protest the choice of Lutheran. Here's why: Many years ago, a woman asked my comedy idol Jack Benny why so many Jews were comedians in show business. Benny's response: "Madam...have you ever met a funny Lutheran?"This should not be interpreted as a slam at Lutherans, by the way, who are probably decent people who live in sedate neighborhoods and pay their taxes and sleep with each other's wives. I consider myself an Agnostifarian, but I don't think I want to subject the people of the Peach State to that.    Ivan, I have to stress that this assignment of state religons wasn't done willy-nilly.  No, it was done by demographics, which is a SCIENCE (I think).  Georgia, being the 10th most populous state, got Lutherans, the 10th most populous religious demographic.  That said, when I looked at the list again, I noted that the Lutherans and the Evangelical Lutheran church each had a state, which didn't seem right, since they seem like they should be pretty similar.  Same for the Methodists and the United Methodists.  So, since I was already changing things around, I decided "What the heck?" and assigned the Jews to Georgia, since they're known for their humor, and are used to moving around.  Hope this meets with your approval. *** Now, here's Pete: Actually, the state religion of Texas is football. This is according to my highly scientific analysis contrasting the number of football bumper stickers to those metal fish thingies on area pickups.  Kellie concurred, so I guess this is indeed the case.  But the point of this assignment wasn't to identify the pre-eminent religion of each state, it was to assign each state a religion, based on science!  Texas, being the second most populous state, got Protestantism, the second-most populous religion.  The fine people of Texas should either convert to Protestantism, or move.  But then I thought about it, and realized that the Texans, loving football the way they do, probably have satellite dishes in place, and they wouldn't like having to move them.  And Texans have guns.  So, I decided that we could forego the scientific method this once, and make Football the Official State Religion of Texas.  I talked to the Protestants, and they were okay with going to New York instead.  (In fact, they were quite happy about it).  But in return, Texas has to take Bush back (consider it a 50-yard penalty.) *** Kellie had a bunch more excellent points to bring up: I see that you've put Unitarians in Arkansas and Mennonites right next door in Oklahoma. That can work since Unitarians like nice hand crafted items. You put the Gay/Lesbian religion in Tennessee- which is also fine since Unitarians, gays and lesbians get along fine and are sometimes the same people. I wish you'd put atheists, non-religionists and agnostics in a cluster near some beautiful mountains or an ocean or something instead of spread all out in Mississippi, Oregon and Pennsylvania. (The Gulf coast of Mississippi doesn't count as an ocean view.) And why do the Deists get Hawaii??? That is so no fair. I really think the French Speakers should be in Louisiana, but Louisiana is also Catholic, so you'll have to make a decision... perhaps another dual religion state. And the Libertarians ... well, hey... I guess they do need their own state. That sounds right. Nebraska is a fine place for them. I have a question. Why is there a state religion called Weight Watchers, but none for Amway? I'm all for WW... we can go to Rhode Island every year after Thanksgiving and trim down, but you should put some Gold's Gyms there, too. 1.  I'm hadn't realized it until you pointed it out, but I'm glad that America will now have an Arts 'n Crafts Belt.  I suggest you all attend their Fall Festival this weekend.  2.  Re your request for a nonreligious/atheist/agnostic bloc, remember: demographics, scientific, no-refunds, etc.  But since you guys already had Oregon, and since I'd already moved somebody out of Washington State (I think it was the one of the Methodists), you can have that one.  And Idaho, so you'll have a monopoly and can build hotels; the Ba'ahi, a peace-loving people, were easy to kick out.  (Hey, in return I gave them a more populous state with temperate winters--they will thank me.)  So, you know have the Pacific Northwest, known for its mountains, seacoast, rain, and mega-billionaire Microsoft owners.  If only you believed in tithing, your religion could be the richest in the land! 3.  The Deists get Hawaii to honor the Founding Fathers, who could use a little sun.  However, if your nonreligious bloc wants to move in on them, you could probably easily crush them, since they're a pretty small religion these days.  And that brings up another point: states like California, which got all the  Christians (I mean, the ones, when asked what religion they were, said "Christian," either meaning that they identify more with that description that with a demoninational label, or else they're basically non-religious but too ashamed to say so), may find things a little cramped.  So, there's always a Holy War with neighboring Nevada (in fact, you Christians SHOULD invade those neo-pagans and Wiccans).  This Official State Religion plan not only allows for Manifest Destiny, but also invading other lands, killing leaders, and forcible conversions.  That's why Ann Coulter recommends it so highly. 4.  Yes, the French speakers would feel more home in Lousiana, but I think it will be good for the people of Alabama to learn to speak French, whether they want to or not.  And yes, some people will belong to more than one demographic group (for example, you can be a Libertarian party member AND Satanist), but you just have to choose which is more important to you. 5.  The Libertarians DO deserve a state, an untamed, out-of-the-way one.  One where they can roam wild and free, as nature intended. 6.  You're right--fair is fair, and if Weight Watchers get a state, so should Amway.  More about this later. 7.  About the Gold Gym's Religion: I think Weight Watchers will just have to be ecumenical about this, and tell its followers that working out is also a way to salvation.  *** Now, let's hear some more comments.  This one is from Mark. You lost me when i saw I'd have to live in Mississippi. mark h.  Mark, you're now going to Idaho.  Sure, it's the same as Mississippi in many ways, but it does have nice mountains, good fishing, and world-famous potatoes.  If you don't like it, convert to nonreligion and you can live in Washington State, which has the Space Needle. *** And here are a couple more comments, both addressing Amway: I hate to admit it, but the Amway HQ is here in Michigan, so maybe they should be dual-religion too. With that said, I'm packing my bags for Pennsylvania.... Jennifer  Actually, since we've already got Evangelicals, having Amway would be redundant. However, so far as proselytizing faiths based on multi-tiered marketing schemes go, I think America could make room for the persecuted congregants of Herbalife. They are much like the Pilgrims, willing to endure scorn and privation so that their descendants will be free to worship the powdered weight loss product of their choice. I saw we let them split Guam with the Hare Krishnas.  Scott Jennifer and Scott, I gave the Amway matter much thought, and decided that they (and the plucky Herbalifers) should get a state to share.  But since there is currently much concern about the laid-off telemarketeers, done out of honest work by the "No Call" list, these unfortunates will be assimiliated into the Amway and Herbalife flocks, and together they will form a mighty pyramid scheme that will sell, sell, sell! to all the celebrites with summer homes in Montana.  (I'm counting on the nonreligious block to keep an eye on them, and keep them from spreading).    *** But Scott has more excellent Constitutional points: As for New Hampshire, they already have a state religion: a rock-worshipping faith similar to Roy Moore's, in which they venerated that granite face on the mountain. However, since their god recent fell down, the state is probably a pretty hospitable environment for atheism at the moment. Also, I think lapsed Catholics should get Vegas. Scott •   1.  Scott, the atheists have been relocated to Idaho, and I'm not moving them again.  But you're right about the Royites deserving a Homeland, where they can worhip Rocks in peace.  I'm giving them South Dakota, home of Mount Rushmore.  2.  Lapsed Catholics ARE a substantial demographic group, much more significant than, say, Libertarian party members.  But Vegas, being part of Nevada, is awfully hot, and since most of them have deep-seated fears of burning in hell, caused by years of Catholic school, I don't think this would be a good place for them.  Plus, the Christians in CA would surely invade them, after they they were done conquering the neo-pagans and Wiccans.  So, I gave the lapsed Catholics someplace far away from the onward march of the Christian soldiers, and somewhere cool. *** And last but not least, here's Tony: Given that the Free State Project voted to move enmass to New Hampshire, perhaps the state religion should be Libertarian party members. Tony  Yes, I think you're right.  They can run plenty wild and free in New Hampshire (and drive the pollsters crazy).  Consider it done. *** Okay, with these changes made, and a few others that seemed appropriate, I give you: The New Official State Religion List 1.  California:                     Christian    2.  Texas:                           Football, Bushites 3.  New York:                     Protestant  4.  Florida:                         Catholic   5.  Illinois:                          Baptist 6. Pennsylvania:                "Born again" or "evangelical"  7. Ohio:                             Evangelical (theologically) 8. Michigan:                       Methodist  and United Methodist Church 9. New Jersey:                  Southern Baptist 10. Georgia:                      Judaism 11. North Carolina:          Sikhism, Mimes 12. Virginia:                     Presbyterian 13. Massachusetts:         Pentecostal 14. Indiana:                    Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) 15. Washington:              Non-religious 16. Tennessee:                gay/lesbian 17. Missouri:                    Episcopalian 18. Wisconsin:                 Lutheran, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America 19. Maryland:                  Eastern Orthodox 20. Arizona                      Satanism (or Juche--they can have their pick) 21. Minnesota:                Buddhist 22. Louisiana:                 Non-denominational 23. Alabama:                   French speakers 24. Colorado:                  Megachurch attendance, Sports (non-football denomination) 25. Kentucky:                  Jehovah's Witnesses 26. South Carolina          United Church of Christ 27. Oklahoma:                Mennonite Church USA 28. Oregon:                    agnostic 29. Connecticut               Churches of Christ 30. Iowa:                        Hindu 31. Mississippi:               Baha'i 32. Kansas:                    Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) 33. Arkansas:                 Unitarian Universalist 34. Utah:                        Seventh-day Adventists 35. Nevada:                   Neo-pagan (incl. Wiccans) 36. New Mexico              Church of the Nazarene 37. West Virginia            Reformed Church in America (RCA) 38. Nebraska:                Zoroastrianism 39. Idaho:                      Atheists 40. Maine:                      Native American Religionists 41. New Hampshire:       Libertarian party members 42. Hawaii:                     Deism 43. Rhode Island:           Weight Watchers 44. Montana:                  Amway, Herbal Life, Telemarketers 45. Delaware:                Jedi 46. South Dakota:          Royites, Moonies. 47. North Dakota:          Zombies, Excommunicated Royites 48. Alaska:                     Lapsed Catholics 49. Vermont:                  Ba'al 50. District of Columbia: primal-indigenous 51. Wyoming:                 Rastafarianism, Dittoheads Guam:                           Up for Grabs: Best new religion takes it. You have until January 1, 2004 to either convert to your current state's official religion, or to move to a state that suits you better.  And remember, since this plan was approved by David Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, you know it's Constitutional.  And good!

October 1, 2003 by s.z.

Rush Sees My Blog, Quits This just in: You Won't Have Rush Limbaugh To Kick Around Anymore on ESPN Anymore  Yes, Rush was called into the office of ESPN President George Bodenheimer, who told him he was fired; causing Rush to say: "Therefore, I have decided to resign. I appreciate the opportunity to be a part of the show and wish all the best to those who make it happen." Bodenheimer indicated that he regretted the "circumstances" (i.e., that Rush made racist comments on his network), but is glad that Rush resigned expeditiously upon getting his pink slip and didn't make things awkward by taking hostages or having Bill O'Reilly's mom come and beat anybody up.  ESPN is considering hiring Ann Coulter to take his place. As for Rush, he said that having finally realized that everybody hates him, he will retire into quiet obscurity, using his free time to build houses for deserving rich people, and maybe trying to learn to read. 10:38:38 PM

TBOGG Proved Right: Rush IS Racist AND Idiot, a Veritable Peanutbutter Cup of Evil Yes, beloved children's entertainer Rush Limbaugh managed a double-play today, becoming Hell's MVP.  First, in his editorial Wilson Benefits from "Sliding Scale of Truth", Rush says that everybody is just making a big deal over nothing (Novak SAID nobody leaked this to him, so no leak happened, you whiny babies), and writes that the real story here is how "full of hate" Wilson is.  Pay no attention to the man in the White House leaking the names of covert CIA employees: He is full of hate, and it should be pointed out. The way this is playing out really causes concern. We need to get to the bottom of this mess before our entire policy in Iraq becomes "a victim of Washington's politics of long knives." Make no mistake about it, there are many that would love to make Bush's Iraq policy turn into a total, abject failure and wouldn't mind that becoming the reality despite the deaths that go with it - all for the sake of their reacquisition of their own political power. That's what you're witnessing, right in front of your very eyes.  So, Rush, you're implying that Wilson went to Niger (as part of some secret CIA plan to sabotage Bush's Iraq policy), falsely claimed that Saddam DIDN'T try to buy uranium from them (he really did--it's hidden on the moon, along with that Nazi gold), and then, um, some stupid nonleak happened, and when CIA referred this non-incident to the DOJ for investigation, Wilson went to the media and claimed to be a "reasonable, disinterested man just trying to do his job and who's super-secret agent wife was nearly killed because someone in the administration hated him."  And he did all this, just to turn Bush's Iraq policy into a "total, abject failure," so that he can reacquire his own political power.  Yes, that IS a much better story than the one I was witnessing.  Thanks.      Now, here's Rush on his radio show (Idiot) remarking on the outrage about his racist comments (the ones about how the media just said that Donovan McNabb was a good player because he's black, since the liberal media wants to further the NFL's "social" agenda of having a black quarterbacks, even though everybody knows that quarterback is a job for white folks) All this has become the tempest that it is because I must have been right about something.  If I wasn't right, there wouldn't be this cacophony of outrage that has sprung up in the sports writer community. Yup, the outrage DOES prove that Rush was right, just like all the non-partisan outrage about the leaking of Plame's CIA affilation proves that Rove was right to do it.  And all that civil war outrage proves that slavery is the only valid solution to our current unemployment woes.  Or something.  Anyway, the paper includes this quote as well: Asked about Limbaugh's comments, Eagles defensive end N.D. Kalu said: "He speaks well, he's well-read, but he's an idiot.''  Well, you got one of the three right, Kalu. 9:07:22 PM

"We Don't Need No Stinkin' Independent Special Counsels," WH Source Tells Knight Ridder               Here are a few paragraphs from Shannon McCaffrey's (Knight Ridder Newspapers) just posted article Lawyers probing leak are veterans of politically sensitive cases : The 12 lawyers who find themselves heading up the first major criminal probe of the Bush White House have been at the center of political firestorms before. They helped send spies Aldrich Ames and Robert Hanssen to prison. And they worked the sensitive investigation of Chinese-American nuclear scientist Wen Ho Lee.  John Dion, the career prosecutor who decided to pursue the full-blown White House probe, is a 30-year Justice Department veteran who has twice received one of the department's top awards. The Justice Department's counterespionage section opens 25 to 30 investigations every year into media leaks of classified information, but most never result in criminal charges. In fact, in most cases, the leaker is never identified. In June 2000, then-Attorney General Janet Reno told the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence that FBI agents have conducted hundreds of interviews focusing on the people who have access to leaked classified information. That typically turns out to be a very large pool of people, she said. "Because of the enormous difficulty of conducting leak investigations, almost all leak investigations are closed without our having identified a suspect," Reno told lawmakers. Nothing much has changed. A senior Justice Department official, who asked not to be identified, described the current number of criminal charges as being "very small." Officials could not provide a specific number or cite a recent case where the criminal charges had been filed because of a classified leak. [snip] Asked if aides would be willing to submit to polygraph tests, McClellan responded: "We will cooperate fully with the investigation and make sure that we preserve the integrity of the investigation." The FBI hunkered down on Wednesday, assembling a team of six or more senior agents to do the legwork. The agents were pulled from in the bureau's Inspections and Counterintelligence Divisions and the Washington Field Office. All had experience in sensitive leak investigations, spokeswoman Susan Whitson said. Okay, let's point out the key points in this portion of Shannon's news article: 1.  The DOJ lawyers in charge of the criminal probe of "SAO LEAK" are really experienced in dealing with high level cases, like the Wen Ho Lee matter (and look how well that went!)  John Dion, head of the unit, has won DOJ awards. 2.  The FBI agents who do leak investigations are really experienced too. 3.  But nobody ever gets prosecuted, because these cases are just too hard. 4.  The White House will cooperate fully with the investigation, but won't answer questions about taking polygraphs. Now, let's review the morals of the story: 1.  No need for a special counsel, because the FBI/DOJ guys are the best. 2.  But don't expect them to catch anybody, because it's impossible in these kinds of cases (even Janet Reno said so, and she worked for Clinton, so you Dems HAVE to believe it).  And when the investigation turns up a lot of interesting material about Wilson, the CIA, and various commie reporters who claimed to have been called by the White House, but nothing about any SOA leakers, don't be surprised. A few personal observations: 1.  John Dion is a competent, intelligent guy, but above all, a DOJ careerist.   If his boss, John Ashcroft, wants to be informed of every bit of information that the investigators uncover, this will happen.  And if Ashcroft wants to brief other people, like, say, Senior Administraion Officials, on this information, nobody is going to stop him. 2.  Speaking of the Aldrich Ames case, the week after it broke, the FBI was testifying to Congress, using stuff it had uncovered while investigating that case, as well as info it had collected previously from the mandated crimes referrals that the CIA sends to the Bureau, to take over CIA territory and budget.  Due to the CIA's code of "Secrecy is Job One," and their reluctance to tell Congress ANYTHING, even instances of FBI bungling, they didn't retaliate after the Hanssen case broke.  But my point is, the FBI is very able at using information developed in the course of investigations to help the Bureau (a lesson J. Edgar taught them well).  So, if some White House skeletons are uncovered in the course of this investigation, expect the FBI to profit from them.  And if the FBI can pin this on the CIA, so much the better (they can take over the Weapons Proliferation account AND get some black-project funding from a grateful White House.) 3.  While leak cases are never prosecuted, oftentimes the culprits ARE identified.  But since nobody wants the unfortunate publicity of a trial, the culprit is just moved to another section in the State Department where he won't see NSA material anymore.  But even more frequently, once the leak is traced to the office of a Senior Official (often, but not always Administration), no further action is deemed necessary.  Truly. 4.  While some of the agents in the FBI's CI squad are good, CI was traditionally a dumping ground for the unbest and the unbrightest, and so the REALLY experienced agent is not the one you want on the job, because anybody who has spent 20 years in the CI sqaud is, by (FBI) definition, a guy who just wasn't smart enough to make it in the exciting world of REAL crime.  The agents assigned to do "leak" cases were the unbestest of all, since everybody knew that the cases weren't going to go anywhere anyway, so why bother to assign somebody good to investigate them.  The FBI would do better in forgoing some leak experience for some investigative competence. 5.  No aides are gonna get polygraphed.  Ain't gonna happen.  Because it would be really embarrassing when none of them passed.  (Even if the relevant question was "Did you leak Valerie Plame's name and CIA affiliation to reporters," and the aide hadn't done that, all the other things he or she had leaked would come to mind, causing a positive reaction.) 6.  Nobody is going to get prosecuted for this leak.  If it looks like the FBI has developed conclusive evidence of the guilt, then magically the culprit will come forward, say that his love of America and hatred of terrorists got the better of him and he's really sorry and the Prez had nothing to do with this, and he's resigning.  To take a highly paid job in some government consulting firm. 7.  If there isn't conclusive evidence, this case will never go to trial, (John Dion won't try a case that he isn't positive he can win), and this whole thing will just kind of fade away, hopefully to be overtaken by a new sex scandal involving a Democrat. 8.  No independent special counsel will be appointed.  Ashcroft would never appoint one, even if he wasn't buddies with the Prez, because he would never give up power that way.  The best we can hope for, IMHO, is that the FBI does get phone records showing that, Dick Cheney called a bunch of reporters at a certain day and time, and then Dick resigns due to health concerns and reports to work at Halliburton the next day. 7:41:48 PM

Out of One, Many        Another David Limbaugh-lover item before I go to bed: if you happened to catch Phil Brennan's NewsMax article Limbaugh Shows How Intolerant 'Liberals' Wage War on Christianity, then you learned that "Even if you were reading Persecution: How Liberals are Waging War Against Christianity in a freezer with the temperature way below zero, your blood would still boil."  It's that annoyingly stupid of a book.  Well, I guess Phil liked it, since he admiringly retells David's blood-boiling story of how Felix fussily corrected Oscar, "It's not spaghetti, it's linguini," and so Oscar threw it against the wall and said, "Now it's garbage!'  Only the way David tells it, it was a Bible.  Or something.  And per Phil, the book allegedly includes other stories like that. But this is the point I wanted to talk about today: apparently the Bill of Rights only prevents the FEDERAL government from establishing a state religion, but it's okay for each individual state to have an official one (yes, this is THE hot, new Constitutional interpretation that all the right-wing lawyer-pundits are hip with).  Here's that portion from Phil's article (I don't know if he is plagiarizing David, of if this is his own work): Thanks to the issues raised by Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, for the first time many Americans were startled to learn that the famous slogan of "separation of church and state" they’ve been told bans government at all levels from allowing religious expression within public facilities or by official bodies is nowhere to be found in the Constitution of the United States. It is a largely a judicial fiction based on a deliberate misreading of the Establishment Clause "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion" and the Free Exercise Clause, which follows: "or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." It was not until 1947 that any other meaning than that which forbade Congress (but not the states) from setting up a state-sponsored religion was found. So, since we're getting back to what the Founding Fathers wanted (and not what the evil Supremes have forced on us), I assume we are going to let each state set up its own state-sponsored religion, like they apparently did prior to 1947.  Some states will have large rocks in their public buildings; some will require school children to hold hands and mis-recite rhyming prayers over their graham crackers, and some will make it mandatory to mail religious comic books to soldiers serving in countries with competing religions.  This promises lots of fun for everyone! And, as other legal scholars (Alan Keyes, Ann Coulter, Anna Nicole Smith) have pointed out, if you don't like your state's religion, you can just move to one that suits your preferences.  See, that's the beauty of America: we have states to suit every religious preference, and no need to respect all of them when we can just move to a place where ours is the only one allowed. But since most people don't want to buy a house, get the yard looking nice, and only THEN learn that their state's religion is "Professional Wrestling," I think we should start announcing what each state's official religion is now, to give everybody a chance to move, if they want, before the Official Religion clause of the First Amendment becomes binding on everybody.  In order to get the ball rolling, I set something up (subject to minor adjustments, once everybody's had a chance to look things over).  My methodology was: I got a list of the states, ranked in order of population.  And then I went to U.S. Composite Demographics, and got a ranked listing of the most popular U.S. religions (it was taken from polls where people identified themselves with a particular religion or lack thereof).  This list include demographic groupings other than religions, but more about that later. Then I took the most populous state: California, and matched it with the religion that the most people said they belonged to: Christianity.  And so on, through the various states and religions.  Except that about 3/4 of the way through, I realized I was going to run out of religions, and so I assigned a few states another demographics grouping that were equal in numbers to the religion that would have come next on the list (I didn't want to have any states with no one living in them; and besides, I figured that maybe the gays and lesbians, etc. would like their own state).  And when I got to the least populous states, I just got creative and assigned them a fun demographic group to try out, or a major world religion that I thought might be nice to have represented  in America.  Oh, and I assigned the same religion twice near the middle of the list, and didn't notice this until I was done, so I gave that state their choice of a couple of interesting faiths.  Let me know if you think this is going to be a problem. Anyway, look it over, decide if you can live with your official state religion (keeping in mind it might involve hot dishes, bingo, and/or virgin sacrifices), and if not, start calling real estate agents in a state with a religion or other demographic grouping that you find more interesting.  And if you have a better idea, then let me or David know. Official State Religions 1.  California:                    Christian   2.  Texas:                          Protestant             3.  New York:                   "Born again" or "evangelical"  4,  Florida:                        Catholic  5.  Illinois:                         Baptist 6. Pennsylvania:               Non-religious 7. Ohio:                             Evangelical (theologically) 8. Michigan:                      Methodist 9. New Jersey:                 Southern Baptist 10.Georgia:                      Lutheran 11. North Carolina:         United Methodist Church 12. Virginia:                    Presbyterian 13. Massachusetts:        Pentecostal 14. Indiana:                    Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) 15. Washington:             Evangelical Lutheran Church in America 16. Tennessee:              gay/lesbian 17. Missouri:                  Episcopalian 18. Wisconsin:               Judaism 19. Maryland:                 Eastern Orthodox 20. Arizona                    Satanism (or Juche--they can have their pick) 21. Minnesota:                 Buddhist 22. Louisiana:                  Non-denominational 23. Alabama:                   French speakers 24. Colorado:                  Megachurch attendance 25. Kentucky:                  Jehovah's Witnesses 26. South Carolina           United Church of Christ 27. Oklahoma:                 Mennonite Church USA 28 Oregon:                      agnostic 29. Connecticut               Churches of Christ 30. Iowa:                         Hindu 31. Mississippi:               atheists 32. Kansas:                    Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) 33. Arkansas:                 Unitarian Universalist 34. Utah:                        Seventh-day Adventists 35. Nevada:                    Neo-pagan (incl. Wiccans) 36. New Mexico              Church of the Nazarene 37. West Virginia            Reformed Church in America (RCA) 38. Nebraska:                Libertarian party members 39. Idaho:                      Baha'i 40. Maine:                      Native American Religionist 41. New Hampshire:       Sikhism 42. Hawaii:                     Deism 43. Rhode Island:           Weight Watchers 44. Montana:                  Dittoheads 45. Delaware:                 Jedi 46. South Dakota:           Zoroastrianism 47. North Dakota:           Zombies 48. Alaska:                      Ingayats 49. Vermont:                   Ba'al 50. District of Columbia:  primal-indigenous 51. Wyoming:                  Rastafarianism Again, let me know if you want a different religion for your state, or have another plan for assigning State Religions.  Because the thing is: the Constitution says we either have to do this, or we have to read David's book. 2:32:49 AM

STUPIDITY, EH?        Like I said yesterday, David Limbaugh is driving me crazy with his carefully manipulated accounts of well-known (in Christian evangelical circles) anecdotes about Christians are being persecuted in this country.  These stories are from his book Persecution.  Actually, if they would just stay in the book, I wouldn't mind them -- those Christians who want to believe that they are martyrs can read David's book and feel good about being hated and reviled, and the rest of Christianity (and everybody else) could just go about their business.  But David and his far-right columnist cohorts are using as the old, dredged-up stories as the foundations of numerous articles this week, all of them lauding David for his "courageous" stand in defending this weak and defenseless minority, and praising his book for its "searing indictment of anti-Christian intolerance"-- while dumping on the rest of America for being so secular, anti-Christian, and "elitist" that they don't CARE that little Kayla is no longer allowed to compel her classmates to hold  hands and pray with her in their kindergarten class.  (Disclaimer here: I am a faithful Christian, but of a denomination that feels that holding hands to pray is a weird, heathen practice, and we're glad, GLAD that little Kayla isn't allowed to inflict her religious practices on our kids.) The latest (as far as I know--these things are popping out everywhere) columist singing the prases of David and using his tired anecdotes to prove that Christians are being repressed in America is TownHall columnist Michelle Malkin.  She starts her piece Christian Soldier, Muslim Soldier thusly: There's something terribly wrong when an American soldier overseas can't receive Scriptures in the mail, but a Muslim chaplain can preach freely among al Qaeda and Taliban enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, what's wrong is STUPIDITY, in that you didn't do any fact checking and your whole premise is flawed from the get-go.  But let's give you a bit more rope before we hang you with it: This is a story of two soldiers, one Christian, one Muslim. It's a cautionary tale that suggests how religious double standards and politically driven hypersensitivity threaten not only our troops, but us all. Six months ago, Jack Moody tried to send his son, Daniel, a care package containing a Bible study and other Christian religious materials.  Daniel is a 21-year-old Army National Guardsman serving in the Middle East. He had written home requesting spiritual support while he risked his life abroad. The literature his dad packed included Christian comic books.  But when Daniel's dad approached the post office in the family's hometown of Lenoir, North Carolina, he was told he would not be allowed to send the items. [snip] "My son is in the military, and he's overseas fighting to free this country from tyranny, and to protect our rights and our freedoms, and here our government has a rule on the books that's limited his freedom. I just couldn't believe it," Moody told the Voice of America news service. Even more unbelievable was the apathetic reaction of Moody's elected representatives. According to John Whitehead of the Rutherford Institute, a staunch defender of religious liberty, Sen. Elizabeth Dole's staff brushed Moody off. So did Dan Gurley, GOP Congressman Cass Ballenger's chief of staff. According to Moody, Ballenger refused to get involved, insisting that the matter should be left to the courts. And there's where Moody's case -- which is included in the devastating new book "Persecution," best-selling author David Limbaugh's searing indictment of anti-Christian intolerance -- remains today. Um, yeah.  And don't we feel outraged!  But if you'd only spent 5-minutes checking on this instead of relying on David's book, you would have found (along numerous other facts that rain on Moody's Persecution Parade) this article from Concerned Women for America (Concerned Women Not That Concerned About This), a conservative Christian group whose credentials and bona fides will surely be considered above reproach by David (if he ever bothers to do any checking either): It's a matter of Customs.  But the religious freedom attorneys may have fired at the wrong target. The postal restrictions are from the U.S. Customs Service and stem from the host country's customs regulations. “The customs prohibition was put in place by the host country to keep bulk quantities of material of that nature out of the country,” U.S. Customs spokesman Mark Saunders told WNCT-TV. “Each country has [its] own restrictions, because of the level of security risk involved.”  “Why did the parents make an issue of it in the first place?” Elaine Donnelly, president of the Center for Military Readiness, asked The Culture & Family Report. “I am not aware that the Postal Service opens packages addressed to individual service members.” On a family support site for the Army’s 3rd Infantry. . .a note dated April 11 addressed the issues of Bibles directly.  Q: Does this [regulation] mean I can’t mail a Bible? A: No. The intent of this customs prohibition was the host country's concern about distributing these materials to its citizens.  Mailing a Bible or other individual religious item as long as it is solely for the personal use of the service member should not be an issue. The controversy has led the Postal Service to clarify its restriction. "If you're mailing to an individual soldier, it should not be an issue," Mark Saunders, a Postal Service spokesman in Washington, told CNS News. The updated guidance for mailings now reads: "Although religious materials contrary to the Islamic faith are prohibited in bulk quantities, items for the personal use of the addressee are permissible," Saunders noted. [snip] “If the actions of the Post Office are based on the needs of the military, I doubt that the court will agree with the plaintiffs." Donnelly noted that many restrictions placed on troops stationed in predominantly Islamic countries were for the benefit of the military as a whole, such as the military's need to maintain troop strength in nations with religious concerns over the presence of non-Islamic personnel and practices.   So, Moody could have mailed his stuff.  He still can.  Michelle could even send those scriptures she was so worried about in her opening paragraph (here's a link to the U.S. Postal Service's info, if you don't trust the Concerned Women (Operaton Iraqi Freedom Mailing Tips). And if Moody wants to send his son 1000 of those religious comic books, and TELLS the clerk that's what he plans to do, and the postal clerk tells him that regulations prohibit it, then he (and the Rutherford Foundation, which has apparently decided its mission is to put Christianity into practice by picking on Islam) shouldn't sue the postal service or the U.S. government, but instead the Muslim nations who don't want bulk quanities of religious items (that might be used to proselytize their people) being mailed into their countries.  Yeah, sue the Iraqis--that'll teach the bastards not to be Christian! But now we get to Michelle's Muslim soldier, included in this piece so Michelle can point out that IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!  Christianity doesn't get to mail comic books to soldiers in Iraq, while Islam gets away with having spies (and gets to stay up later and not do the dishes or ANYTHING!): [Muslim Chaplain] Yee brought the detainees prayer beads and religious books, facilitated prayer services, and assisted them with Muslim food preparation. And he received lavish, fawning profiles in the "diversity-" and "tolerance-" obsessed mainstream press. Now, he has been charged with sedition, aiding the enemy, spying, espionage and failure to obey a general order. Treason charges may be added. Islamist Fifth Columnists are benefiting from the very guarantees of religious freedom being denied to devout Christian soldiers such as Daniel Moody who are risking their lives for the War on Terror overseas. It all goes to show: diversity and tolerance are EVIL!  I blame political correctness for this whole Gitmo spy mess.  No, wait, Mona Cheren already did.  Then I blame the U.S. postal service!  Bottom line: David's book is Christianity's Greatest Urban Legends of Persecution.  Anybody on the right with an iota of integrity should check out his stories before they use them in their own articles.  And Michelle, if you seriously believe that the Muslims have it so good in this country, what with being allowed to mail THEIR religious materials to the Middle East, and getting to have their own chaplains while THEY are being held in prisons in Cuba, then maybe you ought to convert for a day--you know, wear a head scarf in Georgia, see how you get preferential treatment, sing Ramadan carols in the public schools, etc.  Seriously, try it out and see if it's really as grand as you imagine.  But if you are just mad because you don't get to expose the people working for our nation against the forces of terrorism, and don't get to betray classified information to our foes, then just find work at the White House: I hear they're looking for a few more moral, upstanding people to join their crew.