Once Again, Reality Outpaces Satire

From our friends at WorldNetDaily comes news of a group of Coloradans who are trying to “exploit a loophole in the Roe v. Wade U.S. Supreme Court ruling” by getting the state to declare that zygotes are people too. Per WND, the state’s Legislative Council already has approved the wording of the proposal, which aims to amend the state’s constitution to declare in part that:

THE TERMS “PERSON” OR “PERSONS” SHALL INCLUDE ANY HUMAN BEING FROM THE MOMENT OF FERTILIZATION.

The article goes on to say that:

The new definition of person specifically would be applied to sections 3, 6, and 25 of Article II of the state constitution.
Those sections confirm that all “persons” have certain natural, essential and inalienable rights, including “the right of enjoying and defending their lives and liberties,” that courts of justice shall be open to every “person,” and no “person” shall be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law.

So, I guess Jesus’ General and his militia of armed Zygote-Americans were just slightly ahead of their time.

Posted by s.z. on Friday, July 6th, 2007 at 9:43 pm.

17 Responses to “Once Again, Reality Outpaces Satire”

 

Zygotes? Pah! I’m having each individual sperm declared a legal adult. That way, if I deny women my essence for four to six weeks, I can vote 8 billion times in the 2008 election.

Left by scott on July 6th, 2007

Tell me again why I have to share a country with these people?
Ohhhhh, right. I can’t afford to escape to Bahrain or Dubai or whatever the next despots-in-hiding hot-spot is this week… Maybe I could get sanctuary inside of the parking garage known as Paris Hilton… No actual news ever makes it into THAT structure, for damned sure.
Ya just HAD to remind me of those damned Mason jars, didntcha… {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{shudder}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Although, come to think of it (no pun there, just move on), they could be the solution to our dependence on petroleum-based plastics/bakelite/Ziploc storage containers… If you leave the lids off of the jars long enough, the consistency will dehydrate enough to produce a very strong, versatile, pliable substance that could, most assuredly, be re-purposed into something productive.
Well, more productive than REproductive.
Just a thought.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 6th, 2007

Scott, MUST you keep giving them IDEAS?!??!?!
Imagine the voting bloc that they’d find on the floors of porn shops/theatres ALONE!!!
(And only Rick Santorum would volunteer to collect those little potential voters.)

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 6th, 2007

‘Zact same nonsense was shot down by the Republican caucus in pre-legislative meetings in Indiana a couple years ago. My sympathies to the good people of Colorado, but it’s always cheering to run into those rare occasions when our local wingnuts prove slightly saner than someone else’s. (Texas doesn’t count.)
Still, I can’t help but feel touched, somewhat, that a group could imagine it had found a “loophole” over “personhood” in Roe. It’s just so darn cute. And assuming the Legislative Council’s approval is in the appropriate mix of errant crayon technique I’d love to hang a copy on the refrigerator.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 7th, 2007

Hmmm…..let’s think about this a minute.
Logically speaking, it is impossible to tell with absolute certainty whether or not a fertile, heterosexually active woman is pregnant at any specific moment in time. I mean, if you watch me for two or three weeks, you can determine whether or not I’m pregnant, but you can’t tell for sure RIGHT NOW – I could’ve gotten knocked up last night (hypothetically speaking), and there’s no pregnancy test sensitive enough to test for that. Not to test for pregnancy from the moment of fertilization, that is.
Now, if that seconds-old conceptus is a legal person, it has ALL the rights legally pertaining thereunto a legal person. And those rights go waaaaay beyond just not being “murdered”.
I say we start an all-women crime gang. Then, when we are arrested and put in jail, we simply file a habeas corpus petition for our embryos. After all, our embryos haven’t committed any crimes, and they would be illegally jailed at that point. And what kind of heartless monster puts an innocent baby in jail with hardened criminals?
We will be unarrestable. And therefore, we will be unstoppable. Hell, if anyone tries to arrest us, we’ll have an attorney file assault charges against them – on behalf of our embryos. Just because *I* am committing a crime does not give you the right to assault my poor, helpless baby.
Could we maybe take out life insurance policies on our “babies” and then collect when we get our periods? Because that would sure beat working for a living. Poor dead babies (there really is no simple way to tell the difference between an early miscarriage an a menstrual period).
I think this has great potential. Who wants to join me?

Left by Jillian on July 7th, 2007

Two exceptions, Jillian (although I’ve always wanted to be a member of a gang — but I am *not* gonna be the Pinky Tuscadero, dammit — OR the Leather Tuscadero, either — that mullet was way before its time, but still a fucking nightmare):
1. They incarcerate “provably” pregnant women every damned day. They give birth in the prison infirmary, and the babies go to live with the grandparents and/or baby-daddy. The tattered remnants of our criminal “justice” system don’t give a flying frog fuck about “innocent bab(ies) in jail”. So, no, I don’t think that we can parlay this over. Nice concept, though.
2. Since when has an insurance company EVER paid off what they PROMISED to pay? You honestly think that they’d let ANYBODY take out a life-insurance policy on a a clot the size of a pinhead that’s going to be flushed down the toilet? What are we supposed to do, save our maxipads and tampons and personal wipes in the freezer until they can be examined with a microscope and the “corpse” is found?
Yeah, I’m a major buzzkill today. Sorry. Good stuff, I’m just thinking of the major clots that I’ve passed (thankfully), and I didn’t get a damned thing for ‘em. Plus, y’know, I can’t ever forget that none of these penile-ly-challenged males who propose such legislation and pretend to give a fuck about “babies” — are really just recidivist piglets who hate women and are still trying to drag us back into the Dark Ages with chastity belts and slave rings. They’re pandering to the great white-bread-eating unwashed, the people who need Bill O’Reilly to tell them how to think, the folks who believe that Pat Robertson gives a fuck about poor people (’cause, of course, they ain’t no po’ folks in Good White Jeebus’ Murka, unless they is just LAZY).
People, for the large part, suck, in other words. It’s the ones who lie about it who are fucking up our planet.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 7th, 2007

Since, as Jillian points out,there’s no naked-eye way to distinguish between a spontaneous 1st month miscarriage and regular menstruation, maybe we could get the sponsors of this idiocy to mount the necessary fundraising to create a menses-salvation department of Colorado’s state govt… simple, you just determine which Coloradan females are both fertile and engaging in hetero sin, then assign a “Zygote Guardian Angel” to each one, who follows her around, ready to rush into the loo to save the Precious Cell Cluster that might, just possibly, be in danger of being flushed…
Simple. Blastulas forever.

Left by Li'l Innocent on July 7th, 2007

Don’t they have a show somewhat like that, I think that they call it “Intervention”?

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 8th, 2007

So, would this mean that every miscarriage and every period must be investigated for possible foul play? Do samples need to be sent to the forensics lab for evaluation? Does every woman who has tested pregnant need to be registered with the government for protection of the baby? Can every woman’s diet, smoking, and drinking behavior be restricted to prevent possible child abuse? Inquiring minds want to know!

Left by JoeBuddha on July 8th, 2007

Aw, lighten up, Annti. Most people are OK. It’s just that the other 49.95% ruin things for everybody.

Left by Rugosa on July 8th, 2007

I actually wrote this back in the late 80s. I intended it to be dystopian science fiction, but I ran into too many people who thought this was “a great idea”:
But For the Grace of God

Left by Dorothy on July 8th, 2007

Rugosa, don’t make me crank the fucking woodchipper. My back is killing me and diesel fuel is more expensive than gasoline and I just don’t need the fucking hassle this week.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 8th, 2007

We shall conclude this discussion with an hymn:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I’ve never been one of them.
I’m a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They’ll take you as soon as you’re warm.
You don’t have to be a six-footer.
You don’t have to have a great brain.
You don’t have to have any clothes on. You’re
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Left by actor212 on July 9th, 2007

If an embryo is a person then wouldn’t pregnancy for an unwanted child be slavery or involuntary servitude and therefore violate the 13th Amendment ? It certainly would be servitude more intrusive than even the Southern “beaus” inflicted.

Left by H-Bob on July 9th, 2007

H-bob, that’s why I was a 10-month baby.
I could hear what was out here, waiting for me, and I *knew* that it wouldn’t be good. I tried to flip over to breech and brace my feet on the pelvic saddle, but no such luck. I’ve always been a good swimmer, but I’m no Esther Williams.
So read the “forced slavery” thing however you want, but the imprisonment in utero was an easy coast compared to post-partum.
And Actor212, like I *need* people sticking Python heads into my head again… thaaaaaaannnnkkkkssss.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 10th, 2007

Python SONGS, dammit. Shaddup.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 10th, 2007

Maybe we should count a zygote as 3/5ths of a person for census purposes.
I do have a few questions about how this would work.
Does this change the standard of citizenship from birth to fertilization? In particular, will zygotes of illegal aliens automatically be given US citizenship even if we kick their mothers out of the country before they are born?
The real issue is giving zygotes the vote. Will they vote by absentee ballot?

Left by FS on July 11th, 2007

Ward, I’m Worried About The Beaver

Roy has discovered, through testimony from a totally dispassionate, nonpartisan source, that the modern junior high school is no longer merely a trial-by-adolescence-and-acne, but has metamorphosized into a nightmarish ordeal of unceasing (and meticulously diagrammed) blowjobs!  In the bathrooms!  In full view of the lunch ladies in the cafetorium!  Behind the popsicle-stick model of the U.S. Capitol made by Mrs. Merrill’s 5th Period Social Studies Class!  To quote Roy’s source:

And the middle school kids were giving, and getting, blowjobs all day.

Backbreaking labor, no doubt, although I don’t think it’s the first thing I’d choose to write a blues song about, if I happened to inherit Leadbelly’s 12-string.  Still, all these complaints about the lost innocence of our nation’s middle schoolers reminded me how difficult it is to get a contemporary twelve year-old to appreciate the gravity of a boner.  Why, back in the day, boners were serious business!  A deftly-timed boner, thrust heedlessly and repeatedly into a delicate situation, could foil even the Batman and Robin, as the proprietor of Superdickery.com points out in his Seduction of the Innocent series:



Let’s work together to staunch this eruption of premature blowjobs, and create a world where our adolescents are once again free to take a pure, simple, childlike delight in such healthy and traditional pastimes as Duck Duck Goose, Red Light, Green Light, Queenie, Queenie, Who’s Got The Ball?, and Mother, May I (Sleep With Danger?).

Do it for the laughter.  For the love.  For the boners.

UPDATE:  Okay, I give up.  I just do.

Or the “money shot,” as the case may be.

Posted by scott on Monday, May 14th, 2007 at 9:54 pm.

8 Responses to “Ward, I’m Worried About The Beaver”

Remind me, Scott — I have copies of some of these panels from an earlier mention/article of yours (linked to SuperDickery, of course), but I can’t remember what it was about. Yes, I’m senile.
And if I weren’t so apathetic and lazy, I’d look up the article links for the story of eleven-year-olds, ten-year-olds, and NINE-YEAR-OLDS (4 kids in all) having sex in a classroom in Nawth Crackah Lousy-ana while the teacher stepped out for a bit — IN FRONT OF ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS.
It’s out there somewhere, I’m sure that someone with more gumption than I can find it easily. Imagine what those kids are witnessing at home. NINE YEARS OLD. And it was the GIRLS’ IDEA! Boredom, an audience, and raging premature hormones (thanks for those growth hormones in our genetically-modified food, ConAgra!), and since they couldn’t have video games, they FUCKED ON THE DESKS.
Boggles the fucking mind.
Hell, when I was nine years old (shaddup), I was actually *shocked* to hear a boy my age use the word “SHIT” at school. Granted, I’ve had my cursing repertoire since birth, considering who taught me to “speak,” but to say cuss words at SCHOOL!
I am so fucking old.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on May 14th, 2007

I think this is the post you were thinking of, Annti:
http://tinyurl.com/25whjh

Left by scott on May 15th, 2007

Now I understand why Jack Nicholson just had to play the Joker.
But seriously, folks, the best way to dissuade middle schoolers from engaging in oral sex is to introduce them to LSD. At least it worked where I grew up. And thanks to the state-funded Ritalin hucksters, a highly effective distribution system is already in place.

Left by trashfire on May 15th, 2007

My laugh of the day, Scott. You are an honorary Aristocrat.

Left by mark h on May 15th, 2007

Thanks, Scott, but no, nope, that’s not it. Maybe Stinkeye sent ‘em to me, but I could almost *swear* that it originated with WO’C. Maybe it was back on the old Salon blog, I dunno.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on May 15th, 2007

If it’s wondering where you might have seen the cartoon panels before, Annti, Sadly, No! has used the “Joker’s Boner” bit before, though I don’t believe it was about middle-school kids having teh sex.

Left by Marq on May 16th, 2007

No, hell, I haven’t been over to Sadly, No! in aaaaages, it’s gotta be somewhere in the Wo’C archives over at Salon.
But no, I haven’t got the energy to go look for it. I do have, however, a gorgeous little marmalade boy in a pet carrier, and am hoping to capture his black-with-orange-spots littermate tonight as well. Some asshole just dropped them off here at L’Hotel du Fucktards the other night, and with no mama, no support whatsoever, so I’ve got to find homes for them before teh chalmatian land-skanky starts putting out saucers of antifreeze.
They wrap you around their teeny-tiny little purry fingers, and then you have to let them go. *sigh*

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on May 16th, 2007

Ah, the good old days — when comic book characters could smoke.

Left by Roger Ailes on May 17th, 2007

I Looted Some Elven Gold, Some Chainmail, And An Interior Department White Paper

The Republican crusade against “science” (the polite word for that black magic brewed in test tubes) has seen a few defections lately, but there are still some loyal Bushies who are kickin’ it old skool (a radio format otherwise known as Urban VIII Contemporary). One standout is Julie A. MacDonald, deputy assistant secretary for fish and wildlife and parks, who combines the smug ignorance of James “Gore is full of crap” Inhofe with the greasy-palmed cupidity of Joe L. Barton (R-SquealLikeAPigForChevron), yet gives it all a fresh twist by rolling like Congressman Mark Foley. First, the warm-up, courtesy of TPM Muckraker:

Ms. MacDonald, whose job is to oversee policy decisions on endangered species and other wildlife, sent internal agency documents to industry lobbyists (e.g. she twice sent “internal Environmental Protection Agency documents — one involving water quality management — to individuals whose e-mail addresses ended in ‘chevrontexaco.com,”) and generally ran roughshod over agency scientists.

MacDonald tangled with field personnel over designating habitat for the endangered Southwestern willow flycatcher, a bird whose range is from Arizona to New Mexico and Southern California. When scientists wrote that the bird had a “nesting range” of 2.1 miles, MacDonald told field personnel to change the number to 1.8 miles. Hall, a wildlife biologist who told the IG he had had a “running battle” with MacDonald, said she did not want the range to extend to California because her husband had a family ranch there.

But here’s where Old MacDonald shakes up the usual Bush Administration malfeasance with a youthquake!:

In this episode, MacDonald unwinds by sharing internal agency documents with a virtual friend and demonstrates that she trusts the feedback of her fellow gamer, who’s apparently quite young, and her child over agency scientists…MacDonald said she is acquainted with the on-line friend through internet role-playing games. She said she engages in these games to relieve the stress created by her job; however, she said she has not played while at work.

 Posted by scott on Saturday, March 31st, 2007 at 4:07 pm.

13 Responses:

Yet another Bush appointee who is completely unqualified and incompetent. How long until she gets awarded the medal of freedom?

Left by pzero on March 31st, 2007

Oh goodie – I was hoping somebody would jump on this. Doesn’t it make you feel all tingly inside to know your tax dollars are paying this woman’s salary?

Left by celticgirl on March 31st, 2007

I’ll bet she has a shrine to Anne Gorsuch-Burford and James Watt in her basement.

Left by Candy on March 31st, 2007

That was lovely.
I don’t even think the incompetence bothers me that much anymore. It’s the sheer corruption, and I’m not sure which is worse, the big ticket Brand New War crap or the penny ante shit like Ms MacDonald’s husband’s ranch. I do think the Bush administration will go down in what’s left of history as the first in which *all* regulatory bodies became captive agencies. Legacy accomplished!

Left by D. Sidhe on March 31st, 2007

From the press release the Department of the Interior issued when MacDonald when named deputy assistant secretary (5/3/2004):

MacDonald is a civil engineer with a master’s degree in management. She began her federal career as a hydraulic engineer with Interior’s Bureau of Reclamation in 1979. In 1987, she commenced a distinguished career in public policy. She has been a staff consultant in the California Legislature and served as senior staff to the California Senate minority leader. Governor Pete Wilson later appointed her as Associate Secretary of the state Health and Welfare Agency and then in 1996, as Deputy Secretary for Legislative Affairs in the California Resources Agency. In the latter position, she was responsible for gaining bipartisan passage of new provisions in the California Endangered Species Act.

For some reason, the department’s list of key officials shows her position as vacant.

Left by J— on March 31st, 2007

Make that her boss’ position. In any event, I can’t find a bio page for her on the DOI’s site.

Left by J— on March 31st, 2007

Fucking spineless scum. Destroying what it took 40 years to build when it comes to trying to prevent the billionaires from raping what’s left of the planet, and letting it be done by complete fucking BIMBOS — that’s the really insulting part.
It’s not just that they’re evil, ignorant, and arrogant, it’s that they’re so fucking STUPID that really corks my hide. To be bullied is not so new, but to be bullied by completely inadequate MORONS!!!! I’m surprised that the thinking people left in this country don’t all have bleeding ulcers by now.
BTW, as to the Sorcessa: Totally dig the boots, the bustier & the belt, but those shoulder pads are SOOOO 1985!!!!!! Ugh.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 31st, 2007

Okay, I have to confess that I just made my partner explain to me what exactly “spawn-camp some fairies” meant. Don’t look at me, man. I’m a Webkinz gal, myself.
I’m not sure which of those admissions is more embarrassing, but I’ve been up all night and it just seemed like something I wanted to get off my chest.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 1st, 2007

Don’t keep the rest of us in suspense, D. Please explain…

Left by trenchcoat on April 1st, 2007

Oh, um. Apparently in the online games where you kill things to loot their corpses, the things don’t stay dead. They pop back into existence after a while so some other player can come along and kill them. This is called, I am informed, spawning. And when a game has a billion damned players, they have to sort of queue up to kill the things. So players may go sit in an area where something is spawned and wait for it to show up so they can kill it. It’s like putting your quarter on the screen of an arcade game, I guess. Or camping out in front of a stadium to get tickets, maybe.
My partner informs me that spawn-camping is lame, but would not deny ever having done it, which is about typical.
For asking, or possibly just for snickering, I was also forced to watch a WoW video to the Jonathon Coulton song about zombies. I blame Scott.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 1st, 2007

I would also suggest watching the infamous “Leroy Jenkins” video at Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv4KrxCbTO0

Left by maryc on April 1st, 2007

I’m partial to the Guild Wars v. World of Warcraft dance off.

Left by J— on April 1st, 2007

The Bush Administration: Stupid, Evil and Creepy.

Left by Mike Nilsen on April 2nd, 2007