And The Ghostwriter IS…!

Well, Jonah’s little red button has popped up:

I’m “Done”   [Jonah Goldberg]

Just thought I’d let folks know that the publisher (Random House/Doubleday) has formally accepted the manuscript for my book. This means the official writing phase is over and the unofficial rewriting phase has begun. I’m sending off  chapters to a few friends and other trusted folks for feedback. Though a few folks have seen discrete parts (Ramesh, JPod and a few others) now’s the time when I get to find out how far off my rocker I am — at least in the eyes of people I trust. I remember Derb chastising Rich in the Corner a long time ago, telling him a book isn’t done until it’s done. I’ve still got all sorts of production schedule hurdles ahead. Some I’m not done. But I am “done.” And I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, I stuck a toothpick in Jonah, and he’s still gooey in the center. Still, congratulations are in order for the grit and determination he displayed in dumping a suspicious brown sack on his publisher’s porch, ringing the doorbell, and wheezing away to hide in the bushes and snigger.

To celebrate this auspicious occasion, we’re announcing the winner of the Pantload For A Day contest! Jonah’s distinctive style proved to be quite the inspiration for our contestants, much like the annual Imitation Hemingway Contest, resulting in entries that were so eerily Goldbergian that only a DNA analysis of the Cheeto dust on the manuscript could reliably determine authorship. Each seemed to illuminate a different facet of Jonah, which seemed particularly apt, given that he’s shaped like an 8-sided die, but alas, there can be only one, and the populi have voxed: Matthew Garth, for his trendsetting (and bar-raising) glimpse at Liberal Fascism’s exhaustively footnoted text. For posterity, here’s Matthew’s page of Jonah’s book in its entirety:

PAGE 14
…Carl Schmitt’s The Concept of the Political [footnote 1123] was to Nazi Germany what the monorail episode of The Simpsons [fn 1124] was to my adolescence: a theory I didn’t quite understand but that made me chortle even when I was sitting alone, in my room, at night, with a flashlight, under the covers, looking at my drawing of Troy McClure [fn 1125] on the cover of my Trapper Keeper [fn 1126]. Or maybe it wasn’t like the monorail episode at all. Maybe it was like “Time and Punishment” from Treehouse of Horror V [fn 1127]. Yeah, that’s it. Homer goes back in time and keeps screwing up the future except for this one time when everything seems to be perfect but it turns out that no one has heard of donuts [fn 1128]. Homer’s crushed, but what he doesn’t know is that in this alternative universe donuts now fall from the sky [fn 1129]. It’s better than perfect! Ironic.[fn 1130] Anyway, Schmitt argued that parliamentary democracy was bound to be paralyzed by opposing interest groups lobbying the state for handouts [fn 1131], and he and Hitler and Hitlery Clinton [tm] all seem to think that’s just horrible. You see, they all want the government to be able to get things done [fn 1132]. But legislative paralysis isn’t horrible at all. It’s donuts from the sky, man [fn 1133]. The parliamentary logjam [fn 1134] is exactly what we need to keep the fascists at bay [fn 1135]. The real threat comes from a united [fn 1136] government; that’s just a hop-skip-and-a-jump [fn 1137] away from a fascist nanny state [fn 1138]. (Unless the Republicans are the ones uniting it. We can trust them not to overstep the proper bounds of state power. They promise. [fn 1139])

1123: Schmitt, Carl, The Concept of the Political, pub info TK.
1124: www.snpp.com: The Simpson’s archive
1125: Ibid.
1126: A remarkably useful product produced by pulp and paper producer Mead from the years TK to TK. MeadWestvaco was formed in January 2002 as the result of a merger between Mead Paper of Dayton, Ohio, and Westvaco (originally the Piedmont Pulp and Paper Company and then The West Virginia Paper Company). The original Westvaco Plant was sold with its Paper business coated paper operations to investment firm Cerberus Capital Management for about $2.3 billion. The new company is called NewPage Corporation.
The company owns large tracts of land in northern Greenbrier County, West Virginia. The company is relatively lenient regarding recreational land use by private citizens, including hunting, fishing, and the digging of ramps, and unimproved roads can be used to access the area from Anjean and Richwood. Westvaco, however, does not tolerate destruction of property or the use of ATVs. [Note to staff: can we paraphrase this Wikipedia entry without citing it? I don’t want to hurt my quality researching cred.]
1127: www.snpp.com, as above.
1128: The use of the colloquial spelling “donut” in no way implies an endorsement of Dunkin Donuts. I fucking hate those liberal bastards with their totally gay “Boston Cream” donut without even a fucking hole in it. Massachusetts liberals.
1129: Just to interject: that would be fucking awesome! And if it snowed cheetos…
1130: This is really ironic, not like those bullshit non-ironic things in that Alanis Morriset [SP? Staff, get on this.] song. Also, this note is totally prosopopoeia up in your face!
1131: Schmitt, op. cit. p. TK.
1132: This fascist idea is also totally queer. Cf. Bowie, David: “Some times I want to go out./Some times I want to stay in./And get things done,” “Modern Love.”
1133: “Man” here is not used in that bullshit liberal sarcastic way, but in a truly heartfelt way…………….Psych!
1134: The use of the term “logjam” in no way implies that political stalemate is gay.
1135: Cf. Reagan, Ronald, “On the nature and purposes of divided government.” Also, find some Leo Strauss for me, ’kay?
1136: No reference to the British soccer team is implied. Citizen of the world, yo! Ha, just kidding.
1137: See? Fascists: totally gay. See also chapter 4 of this book, “On the nature and purposes of Hitlerian rhetoric,” for an analysis of Hitler’s very gay hands-on-hips speaking style and comparisons with liberal icons.
1138: I’d like to thank my mother for all she’s done for me over the years.
1139: See Norquist, Grover, “On the nature and purposes of limited government” Cherokee National Enquirer, June 2003.

Congratulations, Matthew. According to Price Waterhouse, you’re entitled to your choice of a Wo’C mug, a copy of Better Living Through Bad Movies, or a guest post at World O’ Crap on the topic of your choice. Send me an email and let me know which you prefer.

And thanks to all our beautiful contestants. The swimsuit competiton was a little rough going in spots, but the talent portion was an unalloyed delight. When Jonah’s book is finally published, I’ll have my great-grandchildren page through it and see how close your predictions proved to be.

Posted by scott on Wednesday, April 18th, 2007 at 2:47 pm.

16 Responses to “And The Ghostwriter IS…!”

Congratulations, Matthew! Speech! Speech!

Left by BeginningToWonder on April 18th, 2007

Footnotes! Footnotes!

Left by Thorlac on April 18th, 2007

I knew Matthew struck Gold from the moment I read it! Kudos! Standing O!

Left by Grandjester on April 18th, 2007

First, thanks to all who voted for me. I couldn’t have done it without you unless I got it together to start my own blog or something. And thanks in particular to Scott and s.z. for running this place. They set the bar, I’m just the tender.
Second, I’d like to thank the man without whom none of this would have been possible—no, not Jesus, but Doughbob Loadpants. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I say that being readily imitable is a pathetic plea for attention. “Flatter me! Imitate me! Preorder me! Did I mention the NRO Cruise?”
But seriously, you know, I think that somewhere deep inside each of us, there’s a little pantload just trying to get out. And for whatever reason—too much frisee at lunch? a longstanding affection for Hofstadter’s “Paranoid Style” essay?—mine just plooped right out that day. Welcome to the world, little pantload! As Matthew Modine memorably put it in Full Metal Jacket, “We live in a world of shit.” And Jonah and I are just doing our part.
Finally, to settle the suspense, I’m going to opt for the book. Like a junkie who won’t drink because, dammit, I have high standards, I’d better not choose the guest-post option lest I lose my jones for commenting.

Left by Matthew Garth on April 18th, 2007

[...] egalia wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt[fn 1130] Anyway, Schmitt argued that parliamentary democracy was bound to be paralyzed by opposing interest groups lobbying the state for handouts [fn 1131], and he and Hitler and Hitlery Clinton [tm] all seem to think that’s just … [...]

Left by gammet » And The Ghostwriter IS…! on April 18th, 2007

Still, congratulations are in order for the grit and determination he displayed in dumping a suspicious brown sack on his publisher’s porch, ringing the doorbell, and wheezing away to hide in the bushes and snigger.
…until he realises he forgot to set fire to it.
I assume Mr Garth’s sample is representative of the final, printed work. I feel that if there is a God, a copy of the becheetoed original manuscript should definitely fall into the wrong hands.
Would another competition to rewrite this winning entry “as submitted to publisher” be too meta?
And Matthew, anybody who frees their Inner Pantload in my presence can expect a short, sharp visit from Mister Short Sharp Instrument.

Left by Mentis Fugit on April 18th, 2007

Huzzah! Go with the book, Matthew, if you don’t already have it. It’s not like there are a lot of us here who skip the comments threads anyway, so whatever you have to say will be read even if it’s not front-paged.
Besides, life is looking to keep sucking for another year and a half or so, and the book provides excellent escapist amusement.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 18th, 2007

Matthew Garth! I want to bear your children!
Oh. [Stares into checkbook register thoughtfully.] Been there, done that. Please accept instead a piping-hot a) batch of virtual cinnamon buns, b) homemade ciabatta, or c) chocolate-dipped madeleines and biscotti–hell, take all three–freshly made by my own fair hands at Casa Biscuitbarrel, where the oven rarely cools down very much!
May I borrow Mister Short Sharp Implement, Mentis Fugit? I’ll bring it back clean…

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on April 18th, 2007

Matthew Garth! I want to bear your children!
Oh! An SCTV Ref! My day is made!

Left by maryc on April 18th, 2007

Is an inner pantload worse than Jonah’s little red button? ‘Cause they’re both gonna give me nightmares, assuming I ever get any sleep.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 18th, 2007

Congrats, Matthew! (Ya little showoff with the footnotes and ibids and so forth and so on…)
Good choice on picking Scott & S.Z.’s book — even though I totally lamed-out on the multiple plugs that I did for the book on my totally lame blog, it really will make you laugh out-loud, over and over again. When I received my copy, it arrived at the best time possible, as I was trying to scourge every single remnant of Dullard McDumbass out of my life, brain, soul, and apartment, and only two wonderful people as sick, demented, and anal-retentive about details could have made me laugh out loud. And thusly they did. Multiple times. Better than sex, especially with Dullard McDumbass, the boy who made me love my a/c-current back massager even more than I ever loved him.
Yes, I’m jealous that you won the competition, but I’m always glad to see more people get to read “Better Living Through Bad Movies” — if I ever get to do road trips again, I’m going to order a case of them, to leave in motel rooms as I steal the Gideon bibles to use as packing material for shipping souvenirs home.
And if I never hear the phrase, “Jonah’s little red button” again, it’ll be too soon. Some of us were eating DINNER, y’know. Gack. I’d wager that his little red button is still smaller than even the most stunted clitoris on the planet.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 18th, 2007

And if I never hear the phrase, “Jonah’s little red button” again, it’ll be too soon. Some of us were eating DINNER, y’know. Gack. I’d wager that his little red button is still smaller than even the most stunted clitoris on the planet.

Oh. Jonah has an outie? Who knew?
And congrats, Matt! The book is a great choice, though I woulda lurved to read the guest post. It woulda been a shame for you to lose amateur status, though.
[looks around, surveys teh horizon. still no sign of s.z.]
Drat.

Left by Marq on April 19th, 2007

I couldn’t decide who to vote for, but Matt is totally deserving.
My favorite footnote is definetly “1126: A remarkably useful product produced by pulp and paper producer Mead…”
Wonderfully scholarly and irrelavant.

Left by Britisher on April 19th, 2007

In related news, Karl Rove was seen near the voting boxes, switching butterfly ballots from Britisher…

Left by actor212 on April 19th, 2007

Scott, you do realize, don’t you, that “goo” means “shit” in some languages? (Wipes eyes) It couldn’t happen to a more deserving person. Congrats, Matt.

Left by thepoliticalcat on April 22nd, 2007

[...] Well, that just hurts. He doesn’t even know we exist! And God knows what Tbogg and Roy Edroso must be thinking … not to mention The Editors, Norbizness, World O’ Crap and Jesus’ General. Pinko Punko is on suicide watch. [...]

Left by Sadly, No! » A Very Special Pantload on July 28th, 2007

Why There Have Been So Few Posts Lately: Karl Rove Deleted Them

Yes, it’s one of those “the dog ate my homework, that’s why I left a bag of dogshit on the teacher’s desk” posts, in which I offer some lame excuse for our plunge in productivity.  Well, lame on my part.  As some of you know, s.z. has a chronic and debilitating medical condition, which waxes and wanes, and at the moment, it’s producing a dull waxy build-up on her the likes of which has not been seen since Carolyn Jones in the 1953 House of Wax.  I spoke to her last weekend, and she promised to log on and post an update on her latest be-furred refugees, but she hasn’t been able to summon the strength to deal with her balky computer, let alone brave the Kiddie Pool shallows of Fox News, or Renew America.

For my part, I’m still trying to finish a script, the deadline for which is bearing down on me the way the windshield of a speeding Kenworth approaches an oblivious dragonfly.  I’m also dealing with my grandfather’s rapidly deteriorating mind and body, and visiting various Bedlams around town, trying to find the one skilled nursing home that least resembles — in both residents and facilities — the House of Pain in Island of Lost Souls.

Anyway, my apologies for the state of the place.  I did promise s.z. that I would hold down the fort.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize until too late that it’s Fort Zinderneuf, and everybody’s dead.
On a more democratic note, please cast your ballot in this thread for the winner of the Doughy Pantload for a Day contest.  The winner will be announced on Monday, and will receive a copy of Better Living Through Bad Movies, a Wo’C Mug, or (per Harry Chedder’s suggestion) a guest post on World O’ Crap.

Let the voter fraud commence!

Posted by scott on Friday, April 13th, 2007 at 9:39 pm.

32 Responses to “Why There Have Been So Few Posts Lately: Karl Rove Deleted Them”

When you do hear from her, please give S.Z. my best wishes for a speedy recovery, or at the very least, a somewhat lengthy abeyance of her symptoms.
(Is “abeyance” the right word? These fuckin’ pink vicodins aren’t worth spit — don’t do shit for the moving-screw-vertebra-blues, and make my head even emptier/more useless than ever. At any rate, maybe I meant “abatement”… I hope that she feels better. Soon and for as long as humanly possible.)

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 13th, 2007

Hey, I feel for s.z. I, myself, have had almost a negative amount of energy since spending a fabulous eight-day vacation at ye hospital with a nasty bladder infection (see comments toward the end of the linked thread for the gory details). I’ve been very weak and tired ever since I got out (a week-and-a-half ago).
Hope you come up with something reasonable for gramps, scott. Strangely enough, i know first hand how unpleasant nursing homes can be, because ten years ago this summer, I wound up spending more than a month in one (my insurance at the time wasn’t willing to pay to keep me in the hospital any longer, and I couldn’t care for myself at home, soooo….). depending on how out-of-it your grandpa is, a lot of the things that bothered me the most (repetitive yelling, the general air of doom, etc.) won’t phase him much. Not to say that “skilled nursing facilities” are pleasant environs–they’re assuredly not. It’s just that some are less enjoyable than others.

Left by Marq on April 13th, 2007

Oh, and rather than be my usual contrarian, I’m gonna vote for Matthew Garth, like so many other people. Hopefully, he’ll take the guest post.

Left by Marq on April 13th, 2007

Thanks for the kind words, Marq. And heartfelt wishes for a speedy recovery.

Left by scott on April 14th, 2007

I’m mostly better right now, but terribly weak. Walking any distance (like, 100ft.) wracks my neck and back with pain, and i don’t even have Annti’s pink vicodens–the best I’ve got right now are tylenol-3s, which are useless.

Left by Marq on April 14th, 2007

Just reading the previous posts, I gotta say, this country needs to develop some more humane “drug” laws. In just about any other civilized country, you can buy OTC decent painkillers…. here we need to jump through hoops to prove to our Drs, (so they can prove to the DEA and the FDA that they aren’t breaking the damnable drug laws.)
But in answer to your question, I loved Goeffrey’s post, he seemed to capture the jejune style of droopypoopypant… but the person above who had like 10,000 cites was also most amusing… so either one of those would be killer ghost writers…
And I gotta tell ya, I am the queen of really bad movies… they are my secret vice. (I just bought a used half price at Blockbuster last weekend ‘Terror Peak’ staring the inestimable Parker Stevenson, and the always lovely and horrific Lynda Carter.
I mostly love really, really, really bad disaster movies; they appeal 10 different ways to my sense of the absurd. And I gotta admit, I need that book!
Pick me! Pick me!!!
Please.
Hahahahah and please don’t tell anyone about my secret vice.

Left by Dee Loralei on April 14th, 2007

Hey, nobody here mocked me for the I-play-webkinz confession, so you’re probably safe with the watching bad movies thing which in any event is here more a virtue than a vice. Me, I prefer bad monster movies, though with a distinct lean towards the at-sea type. I own nearly every bad shark movie that’s been put out on a region 1 DVD.
Marq, I hope you feel better, and I’m glad you’re home. Hospitals suck.
Good luck with the deadline, Scott. Those suck too.
S.Z., take care of yourself, and remember, we’ll actually believe you if you want to tell us the dog ate your posts.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 14th, 2007

(Delurking like a bad shark in an even worse shark movie…)
Take the time to get better, everybody. We’re all still here, still looking to read whatever you post, being patient and understanding. Rest up and know that your online family is here for you when you need us.

Left by Thorlac on April 14th, 2007

well, I may have some spare vicodins in a few weeks, depending on how long it takes me to get over my ACL reconstruction surgery. I got the allograft (aka corpse parts,) fortunately my insurance is decent, otherwise I’m guessing they would have handed me a shovel and the latest obituary column and told me to get digging. recovery is going well so far and I hope everybody else is back to their usual snark filled selves soon

Left by preznit giv me turkee on April 14th, 2007

Yeah! What Thorlac said.

Left by BeginningToWonder on April 14th, 2007

My favorite Vicodin is ‘Norco’, which has less tylenol, and therefore, one can take more IF needed. Sigh. But my doctor changed the prescription to regular vicodin. I don’t know why, the extra tylenol is no help, just keeps me from taking cold/sinus meds.

Left by Kathy on April 14th, 2007

wow! my last comment is in ‘moderation’. I feel so complimented. Is it the word vicodin? or sinus? anyhow! I liked Doghouse Riley’s Doughy’s book. I liked them all, to the point of thinking “I wish I’D said that. Such talent!

Left by Kathy on April 14th, 2007

Preznit, what the hell is an ACL reconstruction?
And is there something in the water at World O’Crap that keeps so many of us (especially S.Z.) in the shitty-end of the affliction bin?
I swear, it’s like a fucking pox.
Granted, in attempting to take some sort of “responsibility” for my nine-year-long on-again-off-again clusterfuckus majoris of spinal afflications/breaks/bad surgeries/destroyed hardware, I’m starting to believe that I did something really really wrong in a past life. At first I had hoped that it was something nearly forgivable, like giving Hitler a handjob under the podium.
But when my second spine surgery went kaflooey (the main screw holding the bones together in the sloppily-attempted L-5/S-1 “fusion” — and the “big bulge of nerve tissue at the root of my spinal chord” that my surgeon, Dr. Smartass “didn’t EXPECT” and had to “improvise” with — anyway, the supposedly surgical-quality screw BROKE and now ratchets in and out of the vertebra every fucking time that I do something adventurous, like, oh, BREATHE or lie down or stand up, etc.), I concluded that I’d done worse than give the Fuhrer a handy.
At this rate, I’m starting to think that I was Hitler in one of my past lives, to “deserve” this shit that I’m getting in this one.
And I’m sorry y’all, but no, I can’t share the big pink Vicodins — I wish that I could, but there’s no telling when Dr. Smartass is going to cut me off when he finds out that I’ve contacted an attorney and am looking for a second-opinion doctor. Medical malpractice cases, since they are RUN by “medical professionals” in these little “council” decisions, and generally engineered to discredit the patient from the word go, usually take at least a YEAR to be resolved, and I don’t hold a lot of hope of it going my way, despite the copious amounts of witnesses that I’ve got to all of my bitching & suffering over the past 9 years.
If I’d ever had the foresight and the physical ability to sell off any of the painkillers that they kept me on for 3 fucking years at Charity while I fought to get my fucking broken spine fixed, I’d have not only have been able to save my house from the maintenance & upkeep that made me sell it, but I’d have had FLOOD INSURANCE for when that neighborhood was obliterated by Katrina. Fuck, I got free deliveries of Oxycontin 20s for A YEAR because of Charity Hospital fucking me around for so long. Which is how I missed the last year of my grandmother’s life, btw.
So all of y’all who wish that you could get better narcs, don’t. What small amount of relief that they might give you from the physical pain is definitely NOT a fair trade-off for what you lose in the process, or the permanent damage that they do to your brain. I used to be kinda smart, believe it or not.
And yes, it’s thoroughly disgusting that we live in a country where scumbags like Rush Limbaugh can pop Oxys like fucking TIC-TACS, but people who are REALLY suffering from REAL pain (usually LONG-TERM or PERMANENT, thanks to those wunnerful doctors) are treated like MED-SEEKING JUNKIES. What’s even more disgusting is that, if you have private insurance, they’ll write you anything that you want in a lot of cases (especially at Dr. Smartass’s yuppiefied ortho partnership), and if you’re a “welfare” case like I am, on disability, Medicare & Medicaid, then you are AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMED TO BE A MED-SEEKING JUNKIE, despite the obvious fact that you HAVE BROKEN BONES IN YOUR FUCKING BACK AND THAT YOUR DISKS ARE EITHER HERNIATED OR COMPLETELY DESTROYED.
If you’re poor and suffering from major fucking pain, then you’re an addict. If you’re rich or “upper-middle-class,” then you are “in need” of “serious pain intervention.” Welcome to the GHWBush Murka where the pharmaceuticals can sell lethal opiates & opioids on the street, but the people who medically NEED THEM are given the lifelong fuck-around.
All my sympathy to all of y’all who are currently trying to manage severe pain with little or no help from the medical industry. If I had my way, we’d rip the FDA down to the studs and rebuild the whole fucking thing, and NO fucking pharmaceutical company would be able to use the Murkin consumers as GIANT GUINEA PIGS, on drugs that haven’t even been PROVEN SAFE, ’cause that way the stockholders make bigger profits — and GHWBush and the entire executive board of Eli Lilly Co. (and every other pharmaceutical corporation) would be the second group up against the wall, awaiting their bullets, right after Dumbya, Dick, Rummy, Condi, Chili Bean, et al.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 14th, 2007

I’m in MODERATION?!??!?!? WHAT. IN. THE. FUCK.?!?!??!?!
Must be my impure and anarchist sentiments towards the cocksuckers who deal the REALLY dangerous drugs in this country.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 14th, 2007

See a pithy tongue-in-cheek visual that skewers Karl Rove and the Bush administration’s disregard for accountability…here:
http://www.thoughttheater.com/2007/04/the_white_house_announces_project_purge.php

Left by Daniel DiRito on April 14th, 2007

Hope SZ feels better soon.

Left by Harry Cheddar on April 14th, 2007

Annti, I’ve concluded I must have been a really brilliant evil bastard in a past life, which is why in this one I can barely get past the headache hazes in order to identify if that’s a five dollar bill in my wallet or a one. (I did that again today. Pisses me off no end. It was a five, I thought it was a one, which might almost have made sense if it’d been a ten. The store clerks around here all think I’m mentally disabled.)
I’m hoping if I’m not too much of a fuckup in this life, I will be reincarnated as a jellyfish. They don’t have brains, you see. Sign me the hell up!
My major issues are headaches, which of course are easy to fake, so I do everything I can to avoid being tagged as a drug-seeker, but on the other hand, I’ve never met a painkiller that didn’t give me a migraine as it wore off, so that helps. If I were Rush Limbaugh, mind, I might conclude that the solution is to just fucking stay stoned. Since I’m not, I think the solution, quite often, is to write Rush hatemail.
For whatever it’s worth, I’ve noticed that an awful lot of *everybody* I meet online is disabled in some fashion–I assume all the really healthy people are out there having real lives.
As to finding solutions for aging relatives, I dunno. I’m half convinced, after seeing what my grandmother had to deal with, that “long term care” facilities exist to leave everybody with the sense that death might be something of a relief. That’s a really ugly view, I know, and feel free to kick my ass across the internets for saying it out loud.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 15th, 2007

As to finding solutions for aging relatives, I dunno. I’m half convinced, after seeing what my grandmother had to deal with, that “long term care” facilities exist to leave everybody with the sense that death might be something of a relief. That’s a really ugly view, I know, and feel free to kick my ass across the internets for saying it out loud.
Actually, I’m relieved to hear my own thoughts ratified, or at least echoed. It either means I’m not insane; or if I am, I’m not alone.

Left by scott on April 15th, 2007

The better ‘rest homes’ or whatever they are called, seem to be run by religious organizations. When looking in to the sitch for my mother (who died in her sleep at home, thank goodness), the Catholic-sponsored places looked best to me. I am told Salvation Army (Methodist) are good, too.

Left by Kathy on April 15th, 2007

If I ever reach the point in life where somebody tries to incarcerate me in ANY religiously-affiliated “home” (not too far away from L’Hotel du Fucktards where I currently reside — subsidized/disabled housing in this country is a windfall for the fraudulent cocksuckers who run them, and the bottom of the food chain for those of us who occupy them) — if anybody EVER tries to put me into any cult-owned/operated death’s-waiting-room, I will not only try to take them WITH ME when I die, but I’ll also haunt them and all of their relatives until they commit suicide.
Sure, most old people start fearing death and then cleave to the pseudo-”comfort” of having constant shoving-of-white-Jeebus-and-all-affiliated-mythologies down their throats. But I wouldn’t wish that sort of “life” on anybody, if you can call it that. I’d sure as hell rather be treated like a thinking human being with my own mind and experiences than just another barely-warm body to be shoved into a Jeebus-wrapped cubicle.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 15th, 2007

Are you people blind?! Can’t you see?! It’s the animals, they’re leeching the life right out of her!!!!
Somebody call Billy Crystal!!!!!

Left by Twisted_Colour on April 15th, 2007

Annti:
An ACL reconstruction is when they harvest part of some other tendon (usually the patellar), repair that tendon, and then graft the harvested tendon bit in place of your ACL.
It’s not a fun procedure. I had it done in high school after tearing my ACL playing tennis.
And I *do* have some spare painkillers at the moment (from another knee surgery which I had in January). They’re not horrendously strong, which I found unfortunate, and according to the internet they’re very habit forming.
If I’m going to be on very habit forming painkillers, damnit, I want them to be the best bloody painkillers I’ve ever had.
if anybody EVER tries to put me into any cult-owned/operated death’s-waiting-room, I will not only try to take them WITH ME when I die, but I’ll also haunt them and all of their relatives until they commit suicide.
I would expect nothing else from you, Annti.
Scott, I hope everything works out well…I haven’t had the experience of having to put relatives in homes yet, and I’m not looking forward to the day when (and more hopefully, if) I do.
And definitely give my best to s.z. if you talk to her soon.

Left by Vivek on April 16th, 2007

hmmm! I admit I decided I was an Athiest when I was 14. Since then I’ve pretty much ignored religion, which is why I was surprized at how nice the ‘religious’ conv. homes were, as compared to a non-religious, where the pitiful old folks were just… sitting…in the hallways. (It was heart-breaking). I hated the idea of my Mom in any of those places, and I was actually relieved when she died in her sleep. I miss her like anything. I’d give anything to hear her ask me “Are you loosing weight?” Annti, I apologise if I offended you; I wish there was something I could do to help you. My doctor put me on steriods last week, which completely totally eradicated (sp?) my pain, but the side-effects were so AWFUL, I don’t want to take any more (I dropped the last dose in the toilet). What can one do?

Left by Kathy on April 16th, 2007

Kathy, you didn’t offend me.
(Get up, you weren’t supposed to faint on that line.)
I just live in a dump that is GOVERNMENT-SUBSIDIZED, and yet the pentecostal white-trash who own/operate it still use it as a pulpit to shove Jeebus down the throats of all residents, whether they’re young, old, fucktarded, physically disabled, or whatever. It pisses me off on a daily basis, and it’s just one step away from a nursing home.
If Katrina hadn’t given the republicunts an easy excuse to destroy most of the public and subsidized housing in this state (can’t let those po’ mofos come home, no SUH! can’t give ‘em anyplace to live, certainly!), I’d have gotten the hell out of this place 2 years ago. If I’d had more than a WEEK after my disability case finally went through to FIND A PLACE TO LIVE, I’d never have moved in here in the first place, but I was living with my alleged “parents” at the time, so there ya go.
Steroids are horrible, and I feel yer pain on that one. I did prednisone for three months, gained 50 pounds, and damned near lost what little mind that I had left at the time. Sarcoidosis does respond to steroid therapy, but the benefits aren’t SHIT compared to the side effects. Has your doctor tried you on N-saids, anti-inflammatories, anything besides steroids? Some people tell me that the prednisone did wonders for them, but I’ll never forget the nightmares that it gave me.
While I’ll never forgive The Fallen Uterus (my alleged “mother”) for sentencing my Nannie to certain death by taking her to a local JOKE of a fucking “hospital” with an utterly unqualified HACK of a surgeon (NOT an oncologist of any sort, nor a specialist in ANYTHING) to cut her to shreds, fuck that up, and then cut her up AGAIN (that’s what killed her, not the colon cancer), I am at least grateful that Nannie never was sent to a nursing home of any affiliation, especially those few remaining ones run by the state. And I’m especially grateful that Nannie never suffered from Alzheimer’s or dementia or ongoing physical illnesses that would have rendered her bedridden. I just wish to hell that I had kidnapped her from that piece-of-shit “hospital” when I had the chance, and taken her to a REAL hospital. If you know anybody in Louisiana, NEVER EVER *EVER* let them fall prey to Lane Memorial Hospital in Zachary, because that hellhole got my Nannie AND my great-Aunt Thelma. I call it the Roach Motel For Old Ladies — Old ladies check in, but they don’t check out.
And Vivek, hon, you have all my sympathy for having such a hellacious procedure, as does Preznit. I’ve had a couple of knee scopes, and Dr.Smartass (the one about whom I’m going to see a malpractice lawyer tomorrow, since his brilliant fusion of the L-5/S-1 is already falling apart, what with broken screws, etc.) is already trying to sell me on ANOTHER one (I have the cartilage-free knees of a 65-year-old), but I don’t think that I’ll be trusting him with a scalpel again. Do narc painkillers even work when it comes to major tendon pain/surgery? When I had my scopes, they helped with the muscle/bone pain, but bupkis for the ligaments/tendons. At any rate, I hope that you feel better soon, Preznit, and Vivek, I hope that yours holds up well and permanently, too.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 16th, 2007

IN MODERATION AGAIN, SCOTT.
Please and thank you to make it stop?

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 16th, 2007

I was going to leave some light hearted comments about how a dialog line from “Island of Lost Souls” inspired a song by a famous midwestern punk band, and how a better cinematic inspiration for nursing home selection might come from the Adam Sandler farce “Happy Gilmore” but you people are so depressing with like real problems and stuff…
Doctors who manage chronic pain walk a tightrope between the DEA looking askance at what scrips they write on one side, and the med industry on the other beckoning them to sell their souls for golf outings and Carribean vacations. A good acupuncturist can work wonders, but sometimes it’s tough to get the primary care doc to make a referral.
Annti, if you can finish a med malpractice case in a year, your lawyer is working at warp speed. While you’re waiting, I suggest you rent the following documentary that explains how the tort system works: “The Fortune Cookie” (1966) with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau.

Left by trashfire on April 17th, 2007

My mother lived in a Catholic affiliated assisted living facility for a few years. They were by far the best institution we could find. She was Catholic, but had long since stopped attending Mass, and was never pressured in any way that I saw.
When her condition required more care than they could provide, my sisters located a great place. It was a large modern house with no whiff of an institution about it, run by an extended family who lived next door. There were only half a dozen or so residents and they were given a great deal of individual care and always treated with respect as far as I could tell. I have read that this is a coming trend in the care of the elderly and infirm, small facilities licensed by the state and staffed by couples or families, and if so I applaud it.

Left by bidziliba on April 17th, 2007

My new neurologist, who’s had me for eight months and is getting ready to pass me along, has suggested acupuncture several times. I continue to refuse, not so much because I’m afraid of needles though I am, but because I’ve never seen any studies that indicate that it actually works. The ones I’ve seen say it’s pretty much indistinguishable from placebo.
I’m somewhat used to this sort of thing from neurologists, who have each tried all the sensible stuff and are now grasping at straws, not limited to magnetic therapy, aromatherapy, Botox, and homeopathic medicine. I tend to characterize all of these as the “So, have you tried a quack yet” period of the relationship.
The fascinating thing is, the new neurologist was damping on my suggestion that a chiropractor might be worth a try. (I’ve tried all of the above except Botox and acupuncture. And yes, I know they’re scams. Hey, I’d settle for a workable placebo. I’d just like to avoid pain while doing it.)
If you can point me to a study on acupuncture, trashfire, I’d be much obliged. I don’t necessarily want to frustrate this one into ditching me since, while she hates me for unspecified reasons, she also has hit upon a weird combination of beta blockers, anti-seizure meds, and antihistamines that actually seems to prevent many of the non-trigger, non-PMS migraines (while causing me hallucinations). I have high hopes that given enough encouragement she can string together a series of anticoagulents, antifungals, and cholinergics that will give me blue skin and incidentally reduce the clusters.
Ah, doctors. So glad I’m not one. Then I’d have to deal with people like me.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 17th, 2007

Just one more piece of advice from my reams of nightmares in medical treatment, D: Whether with a chiropractor or an acupuncturist, WATCH YER ASS AND DEMAND DOCUMENTATION OF EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY CLEAR AND LEGIBLE X-RAYS.
If the ambulance-chaser (MORRIS BART IS THE ORIGINAL FUCKING ANTICHRIST AND *NOT* IN A GOOD WAY) hadn’t sent me to a CHIROPRACTOR instead of an ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON, I would’ve gotten my shit done properly 9 years ago and avoided 3+ years at Charity Hospital, then shit that broke down after five years, now THIS shit that didn’t happen right to begin with, and busted after SIX MONTHS.
Chiropractors are NOT doctors, I don’t give a fuck WHAT they call themselves, they did NOT go to medical school, they did not serve residencies, and they have never been legally enabled to perform surgery, most of ‘em can’t even write prescriptions. I don’t have any experience with the needle-pokers (unless you count tattoo artists), and while I’ve gotten many an adrenaline/euphoria/horniness fits as a direct result of being tattooed, I can’t promise you the same thing from an acupuncturist. Just make damned sure that you see the health department certification and the autoclave where they clean their equipment and make damned sure that their needles are new, from clean, sterilized, NEW packaging that has never been opened.
Hepatitis ain’t no joke, kid. And don’t let anybody bullshit or bully you into doing anything that you don’t feel safe or comfortable doing, and as you well know, those female “medical assistants” (chiropractors never hire real R.N.s) can bully/coerce with the best con-artists in the bidness.
Have you thought about serious neck massage/heat treatments? Scalp treatments/massage? If you can find a nice, quiet indoor pool at a local university, floating therapy, just being at one with the water, not exercising, just floating, can do a LOT to relax the neck muscles, as well as those microwavable buckwheat pillows.
Holler if there’s anything else that I might be able to help with, k?
XOXOXO
J

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 18th, 2007

D. Sidhe, as far as I know, all those things you mention are, indeed, placebos-with the possible exception of botox, but for *pain relief*?! And, I’m sorry, but homeopathic “medicine”? How fucking retarded a concept is that? The more you fucking dilute a medicinal substance, the more effective it becomes? In what G.W.Bushiverse does that actually work in? Pfah–only placebos can work that way. Anyone who has tried “extending” a packet of drink mix by adding twice the recommended amount of water knows that this technique doesn’t work out too well, though some wind up drinking the K00L-41D anyway.

Left by Marq on April 18th, 2007

Oh, believe me, I know. Well, Botox allegedly paralyzes the nerves that convey the migraine to you, or something like that. Since the migraines are currently the least of my problems, I’m not likely to agree to injecting toxins into my head. Although there’s a kind of link between botox and homeopathy, if you ask me. If it was supposed to do anything for the clusters, which kind of make me wish I was dead sometimes, or the headache I’ve had since 1990, which sometimes makes me feel like I’m already there, I might give it a shot.
Still, even magnets aren’t the stupidest thing I’ve tried. Ever hear of Bach Flower Remedies? Even dumber than homeopathy.
Someday I’ll make a list of everything and use it to beat the next telemarketer who advises me to turn the ringer off (believe it or not, I can’t with the eighty dollar phone I have, why don’t you assholes just stop fucking calling instead?) and take an aspirin, or the next neurologist who leads off with “Have you tried taking two Tylenol every day?”

Left by D. Sidhe on April 18th, 2007

If a neurologist is stupid enough to ask somebody with a 17-year headache if she’s ever tried TYLENOL, then methinks that he got his degree from the Medical School Of The Falkland Islands, with undergrad at the University of Margaritaville.
And for fuck’s sake, AVOID THE DEPAKOTE!!!
When I had migraines, that shit did BUPKIS, except make me slurry-tongued and even dumber than I am in real life. Depakote is evil, dangerous, and during the ’90s, given out WAYYYYY too fucking often for everything from rashes to schizophrenia to PMS.
Some homeopathic stuff has worked for me, like dandelion root tea (with rose hips, licorice wood, and hibiscus flowers — I’d recommend certain seeds, but they ain’t exactly legal for the herbal tea, and if you don’t crack ‘em before you pour the hot water, they explode and fuck up your teapot), St. John’s Wort before it was debunked for the bad drug interactions, and fish/flax/borage oil capsules. All of the above have helped me, at various times, manage depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, you can develop a resistance to them really quickly, so they aren’t lifelong cures.
If there’s a nearby botanica with a half-way sane santeria running the joint, they might be able to point you towards some pain-relief herbs. I just started taking these capsules of Serrapeptase for my arthritis/fibromyalgia/other sarcoid symptoms, and since it’s only been a few days, I can’t recommend or warn away yet, but I figured that it was worth a shot. Beats the hell out of doing another 3 years on narcotics for my fucked-up back, y’know? No, it won’t go in and fix everything that Dr. Smartass fucked-up, or the screw that was NEVER supposed to break (space-age materials, my fat, unhappy, tattooed ass!), but it may help me get up and walk without looking like I’m 114 and feeling even worse.
So hey, try everything, you never know what may work. Just don’t invest the family jewels in anything TOO out-there, ’cause the less logical that it seems, the less effective it generally is, at least in my limited experience.
I just hope to hell that you find the right doctor and the right medicine, like YESTERDAY, and feel better soon.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 18th, 2007

Do Your Patriotic Duty!

Yes, it’s time once more to exercise your franchise.  And since we’re no longer permitted to vote for President of the United States — or at least, we’re politely rescued from such impudent acts of lese-majeste by having our ballots spirited away from polling stations and respectfully interred in a composting toilet in the basement of a condemned ice house owned by the Republican National Committee – your franchise needs all the exercise it can get, if it’s not going to develop a pair of Hugh Hewittian man tits.

And after all, there are still some areas of urgent public policy in which our voices can and must be heard!  To wit:  we can stand up and be counted in the do-or-die race to select Jonah Goldberg’s ghost writer.  So please review the entries submitted in this thread and vote here for your favorite Fake Page From Jonah’s Imaginery Book.  And remember, Jonah’s reputation as a groundbreaking political thinker and exhaustive researcher are at stake, so think about it for a couple of seconds before you cast your ballot.

We had some wonderfully funny (and eerily prescient) entries, and they deserve to be recognized, if only because the people who posted them spent far more time and effort on Jonah’s book than he has.  As previously threatened announced, the winner will receive their choice of either Better Living Through Bad Movies, or a World O’ Crap mug.  (Initially, because some of our contestants are in early middle age, I had planned to award either a copy of Liberal Fascism, or a coupon good for 10% off the Early Bird Special at Denny’s, but unfortunately, the odds of their surviving until the actual publication date seem a bit grim.)

Posted by scott on Wednesday, April 11th, 2007 at 12:48 am.

17 Responses to “Do Your Patriotic Duty!”

I’m voting against my own interest here, but I cast my ballot with ortho_bob. If only because I want him to come up with page 38…

Left by Matthew Garth on April 11th, 2007

“Early middle age”? I’m gonna chalk that up to your being a sweet guy, Scott, and not to completely forgetting about me.
Lessee…ortho_bob’s was a lustrous gem, but unless it was intended as subtle commentary, taking three weeks to finish has to result in a markdown. I got out the coffee and toast bits I spit on the carpet when I read Harry Cheddar’s “searching for the BW3 napkin with your outline on it” last week when I shampooed, but then it wasn’t really a page from the book, was it, Harry? RTFM. Robert S. was just commenting when he brought out “the Chinese Democracy of conservative literature,” but deserves a mention, and Henry Crun an award for pithiness for the dedication. Maybe you could send him a page from the book.
So, I gotta go with Matthew, who sparked everyone to creative heights right out of the gate. Plus the footnote thing was genius.

Left by Doghouse Riley on April 11th, 2007

I also gotta go with Matthew Garth although I have to give points to Britisher for the last footnote.

Left by A cranny mint on April 11th, 2007

All of them share a trait that no one ever gets from Goldberg’s writing: they’re fun to read. Doghouse captured his lazy sophomoric cluelessness, Matthew’s opus is probably being plagiarized by Goldberg’s ghostwriter as we speak, and I nominate Annti’s “gelatinous cunt-fart” to be the next “Doughy Pantload.” But I have to vote for Ortho-Bob’s late entry, if for no other reason than if Jonah gets wind of it, “stains, mysterious and not so mysterious,” will be an actual index entry.

Left by R. Porrofatto on April 11th, 2007

Yes, yes, that’s it, the late posting was a vital part of the parody! As were the 6 bags of Funyuns and 3 moon pies I scoffed to prepare myself.

Left by ortho_bob on April 11th, 2007

Thanks, Doghouse. I’ve never been good with good with following instructions. Actually I thought you did the best job of capturing the oily lackadaisical strokes of a Jonah eblogulation. And sporky did a damn fine noir take. But I got to give it up for Matthew, ‘cause the footnotes make it look all serious and stuff.
Maybe the winner can get a guest post on W’OC.

Left by Harry Cheddar on April 11th, 2007

Matthew deserves to win, but I loved Sporky’s entry. I think Sporky should do more with that. I’d buy a book by Sporky, unlike the work of the ‘real’ author.

Left by Candy on April 11th, 2007

Thanks, Porrofatto.
I still haven’t decided who deserves to win more than I do, if anyone.
There will be great sighs of relief and adulation when I do make my decision known, have no doubt.
I’ll probably wait until there’s a tie or disputably-close run-off, and then get teh ego-boost of casting the deciding vote.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 11th, 2007

I loved them all, but I think this’s Matthew’s baby.

Left by D. Sidhe on April 12th, 2007

matthew. is 48 early middle age? i hope not.

Left by merlallen on April 13th, 2007

I vote for Britisher’s, well, because it’s funny. Matthew’s was great too as was Ortho_Bob’s. Me? Couldn’t help myself after JayB’s “The Temptation of the Clinton”…had to write that noir piece. You know…after Jonah described what it wasn’t, my thinking is either fiction (not that it wouldn’t be fiction anyway, but it’s nice that he told the truth) or a coloring book. I’m thinking coloring book.

Left by Sporkey on April 13th, 2007

So many good choices, but I’m especially torn between Matthew Garth and ortho_bob. But if I absolutely have to pick just one, I guess it will be Matthew.

Left by Ms. Clio on April 14th, 2007

Okay, I’ve finally decided. Not to be contrarian (moi? Non, non, c’est impossible!), but despite Matthew Garth’s stunning entry, right out of the gate, I’m going to have to vote for Britisher’s entry.
Must’ve been the CCC/WPA refs to FDR that done it, can’t be sure, but that’s my vote.
So, if we vote for whomever eventually wins, can we con a coffee mug or other swag for picking the victor? Or would that break the entire World O’Crap Shop Parole Mall to reward all of the voters?

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 14th, 2007

Britisher’s post was arguably the best researched and written, and as his agent…well of course I have to vote for him!

Left by actor212 on April 16th, 2007

Are we all still in moderation?
My vote is for Brit, mostly because, well, I made him post an entry…

Left by actor212 on April 16th, 2007

As his agent and provocateur, I have to vote for Britisher.

Left by actor212 on April 17th, 2007

Oh great! Now suddenly all my posts are showing up?
Ah well, this is Chicago, right? Vote early, vote often, vote drunk?

Left by actor212 on April 17th, 2007

Pantload For A Day!

Roger Ailes (The Non-Evil One) pointed out the other day that the release date of Jonah Goldberg’s hotly anticipated book, Liberal Fascism, has receded so far into the future that it’s now being edited by a Morlock. At the same time, Wo’C reader Kathy suggested that we stage another of our lame contests as a way to avoid coming up with any original content, and the thought occurred to me: Why not marshal the power of the blogosphere, and write Jonah’s book for him?

But before we can stage this literary barn-raising, we should probably acquaint ourselves with the subject and style of Jonah’s magnum opus, so that we can do justice to its groundbreaking scholarship, and sober, yet striking cover art:

Unfortunately, Jonah has been as cagey about the contents of his book as the Office of the Vice President has been about the actual number of people Dick Cheney has shot in the face while staggering around various game ranches, cranked to a frenzy on a cocktail of digitalis and Rumple Minze.

Fortunately, Jonah was moved to reveal certain, peekaboo details, when Tim Noah at Slate threw a little chin music his way. Unfortunately, Jonah was evidently in a Star Trekian mood at the time, channeling Captain Kirk from the “Immunity Syndrome” episode of The Original Series. (When Spock is unable to adequately classify a giant menacing space amoeba, Kirk rejoins, “If you can’t tell me what it is, let’s use reverse logic — Perhaps it’ll help if you tell me what it isn’t.“) And that’s exactly how Jonah describes his forthcoming (or, more accurately, eighthcoming) tome:

My book isn’t like Dinesh’s latest book. It isn’t like any Ann Coulter book. It isn’t what the Amazon description says or what the Economist claims it is. Or what Frank Rich imagines it is. It is a very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care.

And just to underscore what ruthless charlatans his publishers are, here’s the bottle of snake oil they’re trying to palm off as Jonah’s book:

Since the rise and fall of the Nazis in the midtwentieth century, fascism has been seen as an extreme right-wing phenomenon. Liberals have kept that assumption alive, hurling accusations of fascism at their conservative opponents. LIBERAL FASCISM offers a startling new perspective on the theories and practices that define fascist politics.

Replacing conveniently manufactured myths with surprising and enlightening research, Jonah Goldberg shows that the original fascists were really on the Left and that liberals, from Woodrow Wilson to FDR to Hillary Clinton, have advocated policies and principles remarkably similar to those of Hitler’s National Socialism.

Goldberg draws striking parallels between historic fascism and contemporary liberal doctrines. He argues that “political correctness” on campuses and calls for campaign finance reform echo the Nazis’ suppression of free speech; and that liberals, like their fascist forebears, dismiss the democratic process when it yields results they dislike, insist on the centralization of economic decision-making, and seek to insert the authority of the state in our private lives–from bans on smoking to gun control. Covering such hot issues as morality, anti-Semitism, science versus religion, health care, and cultural values, he boldly illustrates the resemblances between the opinions advanced by Hitler and Mussolini and the current views of the Left.

Impeccably researched and persuasively argued, LIBERAL FASCISM will elicit howls of indignation from the liberal establishment–and rousing cheers from the Right.

So. Whatever you write, make sure it doesn’t contain any of that stuff.

So here’s the deal. Write a page of Jonah’s book and post it in the comments. The first page, the last page — whatever you prefer. And remember, he probably triple spaces, so it doesn’t have to be the length of an actual page. Just make sure that it’s serious, thoughtful, detailed, and caring. And that you outsource all the research to your readers.

Good luck to all. The winner will receive their choice of a copy of Better Living Through Bad Movies, or a World O’ Crap mug. Go forth and procrastinate.

Posted by scott on Tuesday, March 27th, 2007 at 11:55 pm.

COMMENTS:

[from the Introduction]
. . . question I get the most after “Do you still have a book coming out?” is “Doesn’t your book violate Godwin’s Law?” This is an excellent question, so I posed it to my readers at The Corner: “What is Godwin’s Law?”

Left by Mark S. on March 28th, 2007

PAGE 14
…Carl Schmitt’s The Concept of the Political [footnote 1123] was to Nazi Germany what the monorail episode of The Simpsons [fn 1124] was to my adolescence: a theory I didn’t quite understand but that made me chortle even when I was sitting alone, in my room, at night, with a flashlight, under the covers, looking at my drawing of Troy McClure [fn 1125] on the cover of my Trapper Keeper [fn 1126]. Or maybe it wasn’t like the monorail episode at all. Maybe it was like “Time and Punishment” from Treehouse of Horror V [fn 1127]. Yeah, that’s it. Homer goes back in time and keeps screwing up the future except for this one time when everything seems to be perfect but it turns out that no one has heard of donuts [fn 1128]. Homer’s crushed, but what he doesn’t know is that in this alternative universe donuts now fall from the sky [fn 1129]. It’s better than perfect! Ironic.[fn 1130] Anyway, Schmitt argued that parliamentary democracy was bound to be paralyzed by opposing interest groups lobbying the state for handouts [fn 1131], and he and Hitler and Hitlery Clinton [tm] all seem to think that’s just horrible. You see, they all want the government to be able to get things done [fn 1132]. But legislative paralysis isn’t horrible at all. It’s donuts from the sky, man [fn 1133]. The parliamentary logjam [fn 1134] is exactly what we need to keep the fascists at bay [fn 1135]. The real threat comes from a united [fn 1136] government; that’s just a hop-skip-and-a-jump [fn 1137] away from a fascist nanny state [fn 1138]. (Unless the Republicans are the ones uniting it. We can trust them not to overstep the proper bounds of state power. They promise. [fn 1139])
1123: Schmitt, Carl, The Concept of the Political, pub info TK.
1124: http://www.snpp.com: The Simpson’s archive
1125: Ibid.
1126: A remarkably useful product produced by pulp and paper producer Mead from the years TK to TK. MeadWestvaco was formed in January 2002 as the result of a merger between Mead Paper of Dayton, Ohio, and Westvaco (originally the Piedmont Pulp and Paper Company and then The West Virginia Paper Company). The original Westvaco Plant was sold with its Paper business coated paper operations to investment firm Cerberus Capital Management for about $2.3 billion. The new company is called NewPage Corporation.
The company owns large tracts of land in northern Greenbrier County, West Virginia. The company is relatively lenient regarding recreational land use by private citizens, including hunting, fishing, and the digging of ramps, and unimproved roads can be used to access the area from Anjean and Richwood. Westvaco, however, does not tolerate destruction of property or the use of ATVs. [Note to staff: can we paraphrase this Wikipedia entry without citing it? I don’t want to hurt my quality researching cred.]
1127: http://www.snpp.com, as above.
1128: The use of the colloquial spelling “donut” in no way implies an endorsement of Dunkin Donuts. I fucking hate those liberal bastards with their totally gay “Boston Cream” donut without even a fucking hole in it. Massachusetts liberals.
1129: Just to interject: that would be fucking awesome! And if it snowed cheetos…
1130: This is really ironic, not like those bullshit non-ironic things in that Alanis Morriset [SP? Staff, get on this.] song. Also, this note is totally prosopopoeia up in your face!
1131: Schmitt, op. cit. p. TK.
1132: This fascist idea is also totally queer. Cf. Bowie, David: “Some times I want to go out./Some times I want to stay in./And get things done,” “Modern Love.”
1133: “Man” here is not used in that bullshit liberal sarcastic way, but in a truly heartfelt way…………….Psych!
1134: The use of the term “logjam” in no way implies that political stalemate is gay.
1135: Cf. Reagan, Ronald, “On the nature and purposes of divided government.” Also, find some Leo Strauss for me, ’kay?
1136: No reference to the British soccer team is implied. Citizen of the world, yo! Ha, just kidding.
1137: See? Fascists: totally gay. See also chapter 4 of this book, “On the nature and purposes of Hitlerian rhetoric,” for an analysis of Hitler’s very gay hands-on-hips speaking style and comparisons with liberal icons.
1138: I’d like to thank my mother for all she’s done for me over the years.
1139: See Norquist, Grover, “On the nature and purposes of limited government” Cherokee National Enquirer, June 2003.

Left by Matthew Garth on March 28th, 2007

Oh, I can’t possibly top those. One problem: you guys both still sound smarter than Jonah Who Swallowed The Whale.

Left by Bill S on March 28th, 2007

Well, I coulda been a contender, I coulda been somebody – but Matthew got here first and I’m completely outa this game…..
Maybe I need me some of that Rumple Minze, whatever the hell that is!

Left by BeginningToWonder on March 28th, 2007

“…Since the rise and fall of the Nazis in the midtwentieth century, fascism has been seen as an extreme right-wing phenomenon…”
Not only that, but it was the subject of an episode of Star Trek’s episode The Omega Glory.

Left by Serge on March 28th, 2007

Oops for the above sentence structure. Well, you get the idea. The bottom line is that Gene Roddenberry has even more to apologize for than cooking up ST-TNG.

Left by Serge on March 28th, 2007

(from the Introduction, page 3)

and this was soon confirmed; They Saved Hitler’s Brain is not a documentary, and was not directed by Leni Riefenstahl, unless there was another film with the same name. But if there is I couldn’t find it.

Still I felt my three weeks of research had not been totally wasted. For one thing, even though the film was made in 1963, it was in black and white. This seems somewhat late to me. I clearly remembered watching Forbidden Planet in color, and that was made sometime in the Fifties. It’s possible I’d seen a colorized version, but it’s equally possible that by the Sixties, with Liberal dystopia Sturm and Drang everywhere, filmmakers had actually gone back to black and white, because that was the way Liberal ideology said they were “supposed” to see the world. Modern technology, like color film, wasn’t “environmentally correct”. McCarthyism was “bad”. Hollywood Communists, who had been making openly pro-Soviet movies as recently as 1945, were “good”. It’s also possible that race played some part in this. Hollywood frequently condescended to African-Americans, openly promoting “tolerance” and giving Sidney Pottier an Oscar while subtly telling them that Black and White would always remain separate. This is probably a subject for my next book, and if you have any ideas about it feel free to send them in.

More importantly, even if the Nazis hadn’t really tried to save Hitler’s brain, the idea was believable enough at the time to be the subject of a movie. This has to count for something. So I wasn’t entirely ready to dismiss the Nazi cloners=Liberal stem cell research idea. But now my research would be much more complicated and time consuming, and would probably involve books. However, I felt that no price was too great in pursuit of such an original idea.

Fate would intervene though, in the form of a weekend Sci-Fi channel Star Trek marathon. I happened to catch Episode 52, “Patterns of Force”, where Kirk’s old Academy professor John Gill brings Nazism to the Ekosians. And Gill had done this, not as some scary right-wing “ideologue”, but as a caring Liberal using social engineering to “improve” the lives of his inferiors. What irony! This is exactly what

Left by Doghouse Riley on March 28th, 2007

Dammit. Matthew has set the f’ing bar too high, first post outta the gate. Footnote excellence!

Left by Grandjester on March 28th, 2007

Hey! Now it’s a contest! Wheeee!

Left by BeginningToWonder on March 28th, 2007

[...] Liberals have kept that assumption alive, hurling accusations of fascism at their conservative opponents. LIBERAL FASCISM offers a startling new perspective on the theories and practices that define fascist politics. … – More – [...]

Left by Hurling » Blog Archives » Casey Back At Bat on March 28th, 2007

Once Upon a Time~
Hitler Hitlar Hillar Hillary.
The end.

Left by David Robinson on March 28th, 2007

Chapter 12:
Abort Face! Forward, HO!
Once again, as we consider the sixties and seventies (the NINETEEN sixties and seventies), signs and portents of the Liberals fascist bent are everywhere. Consider, for example, the horrific death-camp mentality they have developed around the precious life of unborn children and blastocytes. Certainly, they hide it under a certain laissez-faire approach to personal privacy, but can these millions of savage murders really be considered as something separate and appart from Goebbel’s “Final Solution”?
Now, in that light, let’s consider another area in which the Liberals deal with clearly moral issues with an entirely unhinged, godless fascism. Yes, I’m speaking here to the age-old problem of prostitution. How can liberals call prostitution a “victimless crime” when the very act itself results in a sex act that can lead to pregnancy, which of course would create another victim for the Liberal machinery of death.
So we see the Liberals, deploying their depraved army of prostitutes and abortion doctors, marching roughshod in jackboots across the landscape of christian america, and when these felons can be brought to justice, what do the Liberals do then? They oppose the death penalty. And what could be more fascist than tha
Shit.
Chapter 12:
The true meaning of “Pelosi”

Left by mikey on March 28th, 2007

[From The Prologue]
It took almost all of my mom’s life savings, but I was able to secure an infinite number of monkeys and taught them how to punch computer keys and how to spell words like “liberal” and “fascist”.
They’re really cool monkeys, too, although sometimes the bonobos engage in penis-fencing, which mom doesn’t like so she makes them wear diapers.
OK. So. This is my book OK? I hope you like it.

Left by actor212 on March 28th, 2007

From the introduction:
“It ain’t the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect!”

Left by fardels bear on March 28th, 2007

From Chapter 5. Liberal Fascism in Comparative Perspective
is a good and healthy debate. But what is beyond question, at least for informed, rational, and principled people, is the irrefutable imbalance, indeed incomparability, between the long-term, institutionalized repression embraced by liberal fascist regimes and the surgical, short-term, and passing deployment of strong-armed measures by transitionally non-democratic conservative governments. When it comes to the dispatching of souls and crushing of wills, the latter pales when placed side by side with the former. For reasons of space and time we can only make passing mention of the most egregious examples of liberal fascism’s efforts to purge the body politique—these are, of course, liberal fascist Germany under Hitler and liberal socialist fascism in the Soviet Union under Stalin. Instead, I want to look at two cases closer to home, Cuba and Chile. On the one hand, under Castro murder, torture, and intimidation have been institutionalized. They are integral parts of his fascist regime. On the other hand, Pinochet took decisive steps to prevent such a regime from being established in Chile, as this was what Allende sought to impose. Pinochet’s temporary restriction of a limited suite of civil liberties saved that country from fascism. This is beyond dispute. When Pinochet had determined that threat had passed, he lifted these stopgap measures and guided Chile back to democracy. Jeane Kirkpatrick understood this well. And it should be clear to any reasonable, honest observer

Left by J— on March 28th, 2007

Damn y’all, Doghouse & Matthew!
How in the hell is anybody supposed to compete with that?!?!??!
*sigh*
{Dedications}
To that most fascist librul of them all, Captain Kangaroo, who never once answered my fan letters, further proving that liberals are unfeeling nazi bastards who don’t care what brilliant children have to offer in way of plot suggestions for their lame-ass old-fogey shows. I still think that Mister Green-Jeans would’ve been much happier and not hung himself if the Captain had used my idea about doing the Pledge Of Allegiance and Salutes To Good Republican Presidents every day.
To the mean left-wing brunette girl in kindergarten who said that I was a poopy-head, well, here’s proof that I’m somebody and you’re not, you mean tree-hugging probably-a-lesbian girl. I bet that you’d KILL to go out with a successful arthur, wouldn’t you. Too bad, so sad.
To all of the english teachers who said that I couldn’t write my way out of a paper bag — at least MY book doesn’t have to be DELIVERED in a plain brown wrapper, you pornography-loving perverts! (And I only know that porn is delivered in plain brown wrappers because I’ve sto– SEEN my filthy neighbor’s Blue Boy magazines when that well-built, long-legged mailman delivers them!)
And most of all, to my Mommy, who said that I’d never amount to anything more than a giant gelatinous cunt-fart, well, look at me now, Mommy! I told you that the vanity press would TOO accept my book! And it only took an additional two payments to get them to push the publication date back another year! Nyeh-nyeh-nah-nyeh-nyeh!
(1% of this book’s proceeds will go to support the Jonah Goldberg Memorial Home For Wayward Hookers Who Want To Become Good Blonde Christian Housewives To Up-And-Coming Writers.)

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 28th, 2007

Introduction
This book is not at all what anyone thought it was going to be, like I’ve been saying and nobody has been believing. This book has morphed into a chronicle of my sessions with my free-association therapist. He says it’s all right to free associate. Here I thought that we were all supposed to only associate with those of our ‘own kind’. Well, he says that’s not exactly what free association means, but I suspect he’s a liberal. However, he costs my mom $200 an hour so he must be a good therapist. Anyhoo, he is teaching me to write the way I think. And this book is to show that not only am I a man of war, you know, like that race horse, Man O’War, he didn’t win the triple crown, but he was a hell of a race horse, good breeding, like me… where was I? Oh, yeah, I’m a man of War and Peace. I can say that because that Russian guy Toy Story is dead and can’t sue me and my mom for using the name of his alleged to be good book (we know the only good book is the Bible, Old Testament, but I digress)and plagiarism is only bad when it can be proven.
So, anyway, here’s my book. Hope you enjoy it, and I hope you paid the full $19.95 for it, because if the cover was ripped off I’m getting ripped off.

Left by Candy on March 28th, 2007

I’d say 10 more beefy posts tarted up with some unflattering pix of the top 10 menacing libs in history and we’re got us a coffee table edition! Perfect for the ceegar bar warblogger conferences and Maw Luciane’s salon.

Left by TF-MA on March 28th, 2007

TO: J. Goldberg
FROM: Ivana Daddifigger, Intern
RE: Liberal Fascism – Chapter 2
Date: 03-28-07
Mr. Goldberg:
For two weeks I’ve been looking for the BW3 napkin with your synopsis of episode 27 of Battlestar Galactica and how it reflects on the castrating nature of the modern feminazi. You said it was among the empty pizza boxes by your playstation, but I’ve yet to find it.
As per your request, I removed any extra cheese from the boxes and left it on a paper plate by the bed.
Despite my best efforts, I was unable to locate any manufacturer of men’s denim “blue jean” pants with elastic waistbands. My best suggestion is to have something custom tailored, or perhaps choose from one of the woman’s varieties.
Please note, I scanned and alphabetized the co-ed photos from the 1991 Goucher Quindecim as you asked. Regarding the “captions” you want added, I believe this is a matter better handled by you alone.
Speaking of which, I feel I must protest that some of the requests you have made have gone far beyond our original agreement regarding my position. My understanding was I would help edit the first draft of your book. I fail to see how programming your tivo and going to the 7-Eleven for aerosol cheese fulfills this goal.
You told me this position would let me meet famous conservatives and network with powerful government officials. So far, the closest I’ve gotten to a powerful conservative is cleaning up the unfortunate mishap with William Buckley’s colostomy bag outside the Club for Growth elephant ear trailer.
I did not dedicate seven years to a bachelor degree at Regent University to be spending time removing Taco Bell Fire Sauce stains from your Star Wars sheet and pillowcase set.
Please contact me at your earliest convenience so we can discuss this further. Also please note the answering machine is full of messages again from Lucianne (or as you insist I call her, the Gorgon).
Yours truly,
I. Daddifigger

Left by Harry Cheddar on March 28th, 2007

You’re not going to make us choose between these, are ya, Scott? ‘Cause I couldn’t do it. I know! Let’s get Jonah to Celebrity Guest Judge!

Left by D. Sidhe on March 29th, 2007

It’s nothing but projecting on the enemy. Last time I remembered, the neo-cons were behind the patriot act. It was the liberal 60′s and 70′s that fought for the rights of everyone who didn’t fit the straight, non-disabled upper class WASP ideal.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on March 29th, 2007

Annti-
“the Jonah Goldberg MEMORIAL Home”?
Is there some way we could speed up the process that’d make that accurate? I’m still baffled as to why his mother didn’t smother him in his sleep when she had the chance.
Perhaps she needs the blood of a halfwit to stay alive, and he’s the only one who’ll allow her to touch him.

Left by Bill S on March 29th, 2007

From Chapter 8: The Fascism of Liberal Economics, page 17
…but JPod still hasn’t returned my copy of the “The Road to Serfdom”. I did find this cool on-line version called “The Road to Serfdom In Cartoons” that came from an old GM pamphlet. I think it would be really cool if someone would update that using Simpsons characters. Wouldn’t that be awesome? If there are any readers out there who are more Photoshop savvy than I am and would be interested in putting something like this together, email me and let’s get it going so I can include it in the second edition of this book. I think that would be far cooler than the long quote from Ayn Rand that I’m about to put in instead…

Left by jayinbmore on March 29th, 2007

Bill, can’t a woman DREAM?!?!??!
Sure, I’ve got suggestions, but I was hoping that the concept would somehow incite somebody to come up with something original that would actually HAPPEN…

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 29th, 2007

My entry’s kinda long, so I have to blogwhore it:
An Amazing Sneak Preview…

Left by Mike Nilsen on March 29th, 2007

Page 37, in its entirety:
Chapter 6: Fascist Liberalism and the Labor Movement of the 1930′s
[2nd Edition Bleg: I've got a lot of stuff on this I got from Wikipedia and my mom's letters from W.F. B. and Pod Senior that I didn't get around to in time to meet the really tough deadline for this edition. So I need an intern who can organize these documents and research this a bit more for the next edition of LF set for the Fall of 2019. I can't offer more than bus fare and a pantry full of lil' debbie cakes but if you have dreams of being the next K-Lo then email me.]

Left by R. Porrofatto on March 29th, 2007

He might be indestructable though. (Scary thought!) I mean, if he came in contact with Lucienne’s vagina and didn’t instantly dissolve, or get decapitated from the metal spikes it’s lined with…

Left by Bill S on March 29th, 2007

Chapter 1:
The Temptation of the Clinton
“I want camps,” she said, a hint of impatience in her voice.
Her husband, then the President of the United States, felt a familiar, uneasy pall come over him.
“Camps? For smokers?”
“Yes. Nothing special, just your run-of-the-mill camps spread out throughout the country. It would be best to put them in remote places so people don’t complain about the smell.”
“Smell? Of what, their cigarettes?” her husband asked, now feeling sick to his stomach.
“From the ovens.”
With her words hanging ominously in the air, like the satisfying smoke from a Kool, the President of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton fainted from shock, falling harmlessly onto their pet cat, Socks.
+++++++++++++++++++
The passage above is how I imagine the temptation starts. Enthralled by the nearly infinite power of leadership — hardened by years of liberal dogma rigidly enforced by everyone from campaign consultants to university professors — little drips of authoritarianism turn into a torrent of totalitarian desires. Where it starts as a public health issue, it ends in genocide.
While I made up the literal conversation, I think its instructive of the liberal mindset as temptation turns into what I like to call “liberal fascism”, a slightly heterodox notion, but one with a history stretching from Il Duce to, I’m pretty sure, the Dutch to, finally, universal health care.
I’ll bet anyone reading this a cool $100 I’m right about Liberal Fascism and Hillary Clinton’s desire to set up anti-smoking camps across the country. If, by the end of the book, I (or my researchers) don’t adequately make my case, I’ll send you $100.

Left by Jay B. on March 29th, 2007

This week: Liberals are really fascists.
Next week: Britney Spears is really Captain Beefheart.

Left by trashfire on March 29th, 2007

if he came in contact with Lucienne’s vagina and didn’t instantly dissolve, or get decapitated from the metal spikes it’s lined with…
Bill, the spikes slant downward: do not back up, severe penis damage.
And wow–these excerpts are inspiring. I will run out and buy this book RIGHT NO–er…as soon as it’s written.

Left by Dorothy on March 29th, 2007

Chapter 3
It was a Wednesday afternoon, a hot and sultry kind of day, a kind of day that I would spend sitting in front of my computer, feet perched on the end of the table, arms outstretched behind my head, enjoying the cool dampness of my seedy basement office. A day like this was meant for those poor schlubs who were off to their their Wall-Mart jobs to restock the Cheetos display, tired and overworked, grudgingly stacking each bag perfectly so that I, Jonah, could amble lightly up the aisle and with one swoop, ruin their industrious busywork with my insatiable appetite for cheese-covered, stick-shaped corn snacks. While I was busy enjoying my reverie, a knock suddenly came from the door.
“Mom?” I inquired, while I gracefully swept my feet from the desk and lowered my arms. Some women – my mother included – did not understand the fine subtleties of a man at work on his book. I heard another knock in reply. Puzzled, I stood up and walked over to the door, slowly opening it to an inch, lest the creature at my door turn out be an bomb-wielding Islamofacist.
“Mr. Goldberg?” a small female voice replied. I looked at her through the crack. “Yes?” I replied, wondering if the Islamofacists were so clever as to lure me out of my office using the guise of a pretty woman. And pretty, she was. Tall, with long cornsilk hair, blue shining eyes and legs a mile long. She could stop clocks and traffic. My eyes greedily took in her beauty.
“Mr. Goldberg, I heard that you were writing a book about the-” and here she lowered her voice to a whisper, eyes darting around in fear, “-liberal facists. I…I may have some information for you. You see, I used to work for the GILDF.”
“GILDF?” I asked.
“Yes, the Grand Islam-Loving Democratic Facists.”
I swung the door wide open. “Well, Miss…I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”
“Ms. Lovely.”
“Ms. Lovely, welcome to my humble office,” I said as I swept papers off of a chair. “You can sit here.” She sat down very tentatively, slowly crossing her luscious legs, one beautiful thigh over another. “Now, what information do you have for me?”
“I…I…Is it safe to talk here?” she asked.
“Yes, I can assure you, it is safe to talk here.”
“Well, I…I hope you understand Mr. Goldberg-”
“Jonah, please.”
“Well, Jonah…I have been working with GILDF. They’re an underground group that runs the Democratic Party. They’re very influential. I…I am in danger by coming to you, but I feel I must expose their plans.”
“Their plans?”
“Oh, yes. They have many, many operatives working on many, many plans: Abortion mills, Conservative Death Camps, Inner City Slave Houses, Feminazi and Homosexuality Curricula…and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
Wow, I thought. I knew that the liebrals were bad, but I had no idea that they would stoop so low. “Go on,” I said.
“Well, I think the last straw was that they wanted social security to go bankrupt. They want the elderly to die so that…that…oh, no, it’s too horrible!” Tears streamed down her cheeks. I handed her a tissue. “No, I have to do this. They want the elderly for compost! There! I said it. Oh, Mr-er, Jonah, you’ve just got to stop them!!” She leaned over, exposing a mere glint of her perfect ladypillows.
“Ms. Lovely, you obviously risked your life to come here. But do you have any proof this?”
She smiled a half-smile, just an upturned corner of her mouth. Silently, she reached into her bag and pulled out several manila envelopes. “Here is some proof. I do have more,” she said as she handed them to me, more of her beautiful bosom glistening in the light of the bulb. I opened the top one.
As I pulled out a paper, a low whistle escaped my lips. “I don’t believe it!” I exclaimed, for I, Jonah Goldberg, was holding in my hand a signed memo from the Head Nazi herself, Hilary Clinton, ordering the execution of Vince Foster. This was my lucky day, delivered at the hands of a beautiful female….

Left by Sporkey on March 29th, 2007

uh, sorry, that was longer than i thought…

Left by Sporkey on March 29th, 2007

Sporkey, I was kind of getting into that. What’s going to happen to the evidence, will the dog eat it? Will Jonah lose his virginity? Will Mommy Dearest walk in on them?

Left by Candy on March 29th, 2007

I’m also thinking that there needs to be a giant Al Gorebot that shoots laser beams from his eyes in the book, too.

Left by Sporkey on March 29th, 2007

Yes, and teh Gorebot only wants the world to go green so that he can hog all the energy to himself. A robot of that caliber takes a LOT of juice… he probably has a secret coal-fired power plant in his basement.

Left by Candy on March 29th, 2007

Bill, you always paint the LOVELIEST pictures in my head… but what’s sad is, they’re probably STILL too gentle to describe what it’s like to descend from the veritable hellmouth that is Lucienne…
And Dorothy, hon, trust me, if there’s ANYTHING that we don’t have to worry about, it’s Bill’s penis being in the same AREA CODE as the dark, dank, horrifying fifth-dimension toxic-waste-dump known as Lucienne’s cunt (and yes, that is an oxymoron).

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 29th, 2007

this book is dedicated to my wonderful mother, Lucianne, without whom I would be slaving away as a mere commenter at LGF, but still undoubtedly consuming as many Cheesy-Poofs and Mountain Dew Red Storms.
and my dad, Sidney, without whom the sperm magic never would have happened.
I’d also like to dedicate this tome to my parents upcoming 37th wedding anniversary, joyful in the knowledge that they resisted temptation in that libidinous liberal “Summer of Love” of 1968 until they were happily married to concieve me. I just wish more people would embrace teh abstinence thrust upon them as I and so many of my colleagues have for lo so many years. While this work is not dedicated to them with as high regard as my progenitors, they do know the slings and arrows of liebral mockery for our lack of social skills, even unto our basic comprehensions of simple mathematics and grammer.

Left by preznit giv me turkee on March 29th, 2007

I can’t compete with those entries but I do know that one of his citations will be to Jello Biafra’s seminal work “California Uber Alles”. sorry, I don’t know how to do the umlates or whatever the two dots are called.

Left by A cranny mint on March 30th, 2007

Well, Annti, it’s a good thing you didn’t read my description of what Midge Dector’s vagina must be like. I actually managed to totally gross Marq out with it.

Left by Bill S on March 30th, 2007

font size test

Left by Britisher on March 30th, 2007

Britisher -
Pass or fail?

Left by Mike Nilsen on March 30th, 2007

It’s not the SIZE of the font that matters.

Left by Bill S on March 30th, 2007

Cripes! Matthew Garth indeed set a technical high bar right out of the gate. Doghouse I think gets points on style.
And Sporkey has an entertaining approach.
But I’m not really qualified to judge…to paraphrase Lorita Doan in her letter to her staff before incompetently testifying, Jonah Goldberg’s bloviatings are “truly the dog-poo beneath my shoe” which I frantically scrape off without looking at it, even if trodden on whilst walking a familar and friendly boulevard like W o’ C.
Hence I couldn’t manage the totality of style (the combination of Star Trek references,intellectual Tourette’s Syndrome and the supposed relevance of the opinions of Goldberg’s best friends) that this competition and our World O’ Crap hosts ( and readers)really deserve and expect. So I apologize for being essentially as clueless Goldberg himself.
Therefore in my entry I took my cue from Matthew Garth and my gut and just like Jonah himself I wrote whatever made sense to me–that has to count for bonus points,right?
But should my following entry prove to be somehow victorious (Garth gets my vote thus far) in this fierce competition, I’d ask that Scott instead present what would be my deserved prize to a devoted, randomly selected commenter,thus fittingly paralleling Jonah Goldberg’s random arguments.
(In the interests of full disclosure I already have a WOC mug–which can deliver up to 16 oz of coffee-spit before being refilled–AND a WOC T-Shirt, which has so far permanently absorbed at least 8 ozs of coffee spit–I recommend them both).
So here’s my effort:
Liberal Fascism–Chapter 2
Now that I, Jonah Goldberg, have established by bona fides as a caring researcher of impeccable argument in the previous chapter[54.bis], my caring research [55] reveals that the term “Nazi” [56] is in fact a contraction of National Socialist [57], a telling detail purposely ignored by students [58] of history [59] (a “liberal art”) who just happened to be the first to use Hitler’s Volkswagen Beetle as their vehicle of choice.
Just like today’s liberals [60], Hitler [61] hated seeing Weimar Republicans walking around with wheelbarrows full of cash to which he himself felt entitled without actually working.
So just like a typical liberal he bribed the unemployed [62]to vote for him by promising them jobs and a minimum wage [63]—an election technique that the no-new-ideas ‘Democrats’ use to this day.
Not only was Hitler against big business [64] he was against small businesses [65] too. Once in office he nationalized industry, gave government jobs to all his cronies and ordered his supporters to smash the windows of “Mutti-und-Vater” stores everywhere.
Drunk with power[66] he then began to spend the $100-million Deutschmark banknotes he’d seized from business-owners and spent them all on building roads and hydro-electric dams and other public works, putting the entire country on welfare —where do you think FDR got the idea for his ‘New Deal’ from?
Any right-thinking person would find these facts alone to be evidence enough that Hitler was a liberal but just like a Democrat run government this story gets even bigger.
Like all liberals, Hitler was a vegetarian. He replaced the teaching of Christianity in schools with science [67], just like the liberals are trying to do today. Science of course led to weapons of mass destruction like the V-2 and Zyklon-B gas and synthetic fuels—all liberal inventions that made Germany lose the war. [68]
Having banned God from schools [69], Hitler created state-financed housing and guaranteed jobs for everyone (even illegal immigrants who had invaded greater Germany by not getting out of the way) too lazy to start their own businesses—just like the liberals plan to do today.
Hitler, like Nancy Pelosi today insisted on micromanaging [70] the war.
When his generals advised against opening a second front with Russia he ignored them, just like the liberals are ignoring the President’s generals in charge of Iraq, on the ground in CentCom, Florida, USA.
And just like Bill Clinton, Hitler gutted the German military by refusing to build a long range bomber fleet because he was getting blow-jobs from Eva Braun which prevented him from attacking the US which at the time couldn’t was ill equipped to defend itself from Nazi-liberal threats because Eva Braun was giving blow jobs to Bill Clinton [71].
In Chapter 3 you you’ll discover how liberals like Woodrow Wilson lost what would have been several successful wars by not wanting to have them because Wilson was a pussy, how FDR purposely extended WWII by secretly nationalizing the war effort (instead of letting more efficient private industry get the job done” in…”no more than six months”) and how Hillary Clinton advocates policies and principles remarkably similar to those of Hitler’s National Socialism—like forced abortions, experimenting on children (hello-o! Stem cells are children too!), and handing over our nation’s security to Cadillac driving welfare-mothers by de-privatizing the defense industry. [72]
[54]Liberal Fascim by Jonah Goldberg–Any Day Now Press.
[54.bis]
[55] Cut and Paste Your Way to Republican Riches–Regnery Press
[56] Reader’s Digest Word Power Dictionary—Na{h}zi. n.–a liberal
[57] Conservapedia—Socialist: Socialist parties are extremely common in Europe, even Tony Blair belongs to a socialist party
[58] Cartman, South Park–Damn hippies!
[59] Conservapedia—History: 3500 B.C. began with copper tools, then 2500 B.C. superior bronze tools, then 1200 B.C. superior iron tools
[60] Nazis—see [56]
[61] a liberal—see [60], [56]
[62 ] i.e, Democrats–Rush Limbaugh; “unhinged vitriolic bloggers”—Deborah Howell, Washington Post
[63] “…an invisible tax on those who provide the jobs the poor are always complaining about”—The Conservative Burden, Forbes Publications.
[64] “…the companies that the liberal poor are too stupid to invest in to keep the US economy strong”-Neil Cavuto; Common Sense
[65] “…the companies that the liberal poor are too stupid to work for that keep the US economy strong “—Neil Cavuto; Common Sense
[66] Nancy Pelosi
[67] “..an unproven theory of stuff designed to install a radical lunatic called Al Gore in the White House”—Senator James Inhofe, (R-Right Dakota)
[68] How Science Made Germany Lose the War —Senator James Inhofe, (R-Right Dakota
[69] How Banning God from School Makes You Lose Wars—James Dobson, FRC Press
[70] Micro-Management Is What I Say It Is; You Don’t Get To Take A Shit Without My Personal Say-So, Are You Listening George?–A Personal Memoir by Turd Blossom.
[71] I, Of All People, Should Know A Cunt When I See One—Ann Coulter, Truck Stop Quickie Press.
[72] Liberal Fascism by Jonah Goldberg—WalMart Publications

Left by Britisher on March 30th, 2007

Yeah, but Bill, we both know that when it comes to teh gross-out, Marq is a veritable lightweight.
He’s never been to Chuck E. Cheese with me, you & Ted, much less Yosef, has he.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 31st, 2007

First draft of “Liberal Fascism: The Totalitarian Temptation From Mussolini to Hillary Clinton:”
No, you’re the jerk. The End.

Left by Chris Vosburg on March 31st, 2007

Chapter Two
The Who’s Who Of Freedom Fighters
Ann Althouse – Liberals are always making fun of her[1] and making her look drunk on her vlogs[2].
Ann Coulter – Liberals are so jealous of her good looks[3] they are always wishing that Timothy McVeigh had bombed her house instead of the Federal Building[4].
Ann Rand (Note: spelling?)
She writes good. She wrote Atlas Shrugs[5]. She is not to be confused with Pammiecakes who liberals are always making fun of[6] and try to make her look drunk on her vlogs[7].
1-7 (Note: Need researcher to find the citations)
(Attached note from mailroom – this page was already stained when we got it.)

Left by George Johnston on March 31st, 2007

Just a page, right? Okay, here it is: Page 68 from Chapter 7: How Fascism really IS NOT a Right Wing
Thing
(This page is left blank intentionally)
There you go, have fun compiling Jonah’s Magnum Crapus!

Left by Satan luvvs Repugs on April 2nd, 2007

We confront the new “1984.”Fascism with a smiley face. Feel-good infringements on the right to bear arms, arguably our single most important freedom. For what is a man without a gun? Nothing but a helpless white worm.
Big Brother (or worse, Big Sister Hillary) stands ready to propagandize our youth with liberal threats to the white male fetus. Humanitarian values will soon replace Christian ones in the school. The camps will open up their gates to receive good Christians as Mexicans swarm over the border taking whatever jobs remain after tax and spend liberal attacks on American corporations and consumers have destroyed the economy.
The military, deprived of funds, will collapse and be unable to defend us from Canadian invasion. These northern usurpers will insitute draconian measures such as univeral health care, imposing their unnatural practices on the American way of life.
These are dark days indeed for a country that once was the hope of the world.

Left by Hattie on April 2nd, 2007

It is utterly amazing the extent of the psychological projection these crazy cons practice.
His book is guaranteed to be a piece of crap because he simply doesn’t have any material. It probably seemed like a great idea when he was shooting the shit with his fellow crazy cons, but as soon as he sits down and tries to actually write anything that makes any kind of sense, he draws a blank.
I predict that the blogoshpere will make mincemeat out of Jonah’s propaganda piece — if he ever writes it.

Left by The Fool on April 4th, 2007

A few ideas as to why Jonah’s book has become the Chinese Democracy of conservative “literature”:
A. The more research Jonah did, the more material he found for a book posting the opposite hyopthesis (that it is the far right that tends towards fascism) and the more his liberals book began to resemble a Chick tract.
B. Jonah realized that it took a lot of chutzpah to right a book about so-called liberal fascism, when our current conservative administration is responsible for Guantanamo, the enormous increase of surveillance of American citizens (including the review of all of our emails), and the internment of habeas corpus (which I realize is really just the beginning of a list of what’s transpired under this administration).
C. Scared away from presenting fiction as fact by the whole James Frey debacle.

Left by Robert S. on April 5th, 2007

I would like to dedicate this book to Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Debbie Schussler, Astrolube and Kleenex.

Left by Henry Crun on April 5th, 2007

—Hey!!1!

Left by Marq on April 5th, 2007

A snippet from the index:
Satan, 45, 266n
school vouchers, 172
science, x, 267
sex, 69-112, 288n
sexual deviants in Democratic Party, 56, 69, 232-234
September 11th 2001, 35-120, 289
Simpsons, The: ix-ii, 3-17, 22n, 34, 36-56, 58, 65, 67, 69-112, 123, 126-139, 145, 148-201, 202n, 235-287
Slander (Coulter), 3, 38-56, 100
…copy stolen by Derb, 100
…reading aloud, 38-41
…reading while eating in bed, 37-43
snacks, x, ii, 1, 4-6, 78-156, 266n, 269-299, 301
social Darwinism, ix
Socialist Party, 45-46
Social Security, 15, 60, 176-201
…privatization of, 121
Space Maidens, 45, 123
…VHS copy of, 123
…DVD copy of, 232, 245-266
stains, 31-34, 88-99,100-143
…Cheeto, ix, 43, 45, 56-59, 192-192, 218
…mysterious, 45, 101-134
…not so mysterious, 105, 200, 204
…on copy of Slander, 100-131
Stalin, 45, 56
…Hilary Clinton and, i, iv, 5-12, 123-145
…Hilary Clinton’s resemblance to, 134
…liberals enduring love for, 4-34, 56-99
Star Trek (first series), ix-ii, 3-17, 22n, 34, 36-56, 58, 65, 67, 69-112, 123, 126-139, 145, 148-201, 202n, 235-287
…Derb’s misundertanding of, 203, 222
Star Wars 3-17, 22n, 34, 65, 67, 69-112, 123, 126-139, 145, 235-287
stem-cell research, iv, 6-9
Sullivan, Andrew, 145

Left by ortho_bob on April 6th, 2007

Hey Annti, OT, but if ya want gross-out, read about my recent adventure at teh bottom of this comment thread (no, it’s *not* sexual… for once).
[OK, OK, it's the previous thread--sue me]

Left by Marq on April 9th, 2007

Love that pic of Jonah! How clever of him to gain enough weight so he’ll never have to squeeze all that blubber into khaki and fight for Iraqi freedom!

Left by Figaro on April 9th, 2007

Sporkey, Mike, Harry Cheddar, and ortho_bob–and hell, everybody else on this thread appears to have come up with more substantive material than the Doughy Pantload has.

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on April 11th, 2007

Marq:
Chunky blood in urine. Got it.
How’dja like to be walking around with a broken screw in yer spine, that keeps moving in and out, catching on every single fucking thread, every single time that you move, breathe, stand, sit, lie down, think, turn your head, etc.?
Imagine the sound effects on THAT one.
Gotta find a new spine surgeon AND a malpractice lawyer. Way scarier than your boo-boo on your hoo-hoo. You have my sympathy, certainly, but I ain’t kissing your boo-boo.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on April 11th, 2007

…And of course, the obvious similarities with the suicides (Geli Raubal – Vince Foster) although we’ll probably never know the exact details of either one, we can pretty much take it as a given that both Clinton and Hitler were involved up to their eyebrows!
Then there’s this: Hitler had an Austrian accent, while Clinton had an Arkansas accent. Coincidence? Not!
What about this? Hitler had his autobahns filled with lots of Volkswagens and Mercedes-Benzes, while Clinton had the nation’s interstates filled with: guess what? You guessed it: lots of Volkswagens and Mercedes-Benzes.
And is it just me, or did anyone else notice the similarities with their dogs: Clinton’s “Buddy” and Hitler’s “Blondi”; both names started with the same letter, fer God’s sake.
Readers are invited to write in and share their own similarities, especially about Mussolini and Clinton, because I’ve been so busy working on the staggering Hitler-Clinton similarities that I just haven’t had the time.

Left by -JG on April 16th, 2007