I Hereby Declare War On The War On Christmas

Still on deadline, so posting may be a bit spotty over the next few days, but I wanted to get a head start on our annual Holiday Movie Special.  Last year, as you may recall, it was Disney’s instant non-classic, One Magic Christmas, while in 2006 we all gathered ’round the Yule log and choked down the perennial and inescapable It’s A Wonderful Life.  So what’s it going to be this year?  Please toss a list of your least-loved holiday classics into the comments, and we’ll select one to receive the Better Living Through Bad Moviestreatment on Christmas Day.

And as the lisping Zuzu once so adorably remarked, “Teacher says, every time you hear a bell ring, another capillary explodes in Bill O’Reilly’s nose.”

Posted by scott on Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008 at 7:21 pm.

I vote for the christmas that almost wasn’t

Left by acrannymint on December 3rd, 2008

As far as I’m concerned, there can only be two possible choices:
“The Christmas Shoes”, a made-for-tv movie based on the Worst. Christmas Song. Ever:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0330152/
OR its sequal(!), “The Christmas Blessing”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0756632/

Left by Bill S on December 3rd, 2008

Rather provocative trunk on that tree, don’t you think?

Left by LA Confidential Pantload on December 3rd, 2008

“every time you hear a bell ring, another capillary explodes in Bill O’Reilley’s nose.”
Ring them bells!
As many as you can find!

Left by Bill S on December 3rd, 2008

C’mon. Polar Express. Or Jack Frost. Because cheesy isn’t enough, it must also be creepy as fuck.

Left by D. Sidhe on December 3rd, 2008

Well, I just saw most of (haven’t quite finished it) Holiday Inn, and the blackface number is enough to bin it for me. That may be just me, but Bing Crosby dressed as Lincoln while in blackface is just too much for anyone to bear.

Left by Slywy on December 3rd, 2008

I remember sometime in the 1970s being subjected to a TV show called a White Christmas with Pat Boone (or something similar)for several years in a row. I still bear the psychological scars today.

Left by Bernoldus Niemand on December 4th, 2008

I don’t know, but after my impassioned plea for It’s A Wonderful Life, I can’t say I find any of the older movies so egregious to warrant inclusion. Holiday Inn is a decent film EXCEPT for the blackface (by WWII they should’ve known better), and Fred Astaire is certainly a better dancer/rival than White Christmas’ Danny Kaye. As creepy as I find Der Bingle IRL, he is entertaining enough.
There is this film they run incessantly on TCM in December called Christmas in Connecticut (1945), which is one of those jaw-droppingly sexist postwar Get-back-in-the-kitchen-bitch “comedies”, where Barbara Stanwyck plays a New York food writer who can’t even boil water, and claims to be married with a farm in Connecticut, taking care of the kiddies to make the illusion complete. Hilarity ensues as she’s got to convince the owner of the mag what a marvel she is by bringing a returning sailor to her “farm” to have dinner with her and the family, and to use the visit as a spread for the magazine. If it wasn’t for the sexist theme, it’d be a decent movie, but like many of the other comedies of that era, this is another postwar film that wants to put a woman back pumping out babies and in the kitchen, and get them the hell out of the workforce.
Other than that one, if I have to pick a modern movie, it’d be Jack Frost.

Left by papa zita on December 4th, 2008

How about something for the non-Christmas celebraters among us? I hear Eight Crazy Nights is woefully horrendous, and any opportunity to hate on Adam Sandler always makes my holiday happy.

Left by sophronia on December 4th, 2008

Really, it doesn’t matter.
After seeing *any* Xmas movie a gazillion times, driven by the persistant demands of toddlers, they all start to get pretty surreal.
I could tell you about the “alternate conclusion” to Snosty the Froman ..er..Frosty the Snoman, inspired by Starship Troopers…
But really, you *don’t want to know*.
Best to nuke them from space. It’s the only way to be sure.

Left by Snarki, child of Loki on December 4th, 2008

D. Sidhe, if we’re talking “creepy as fuck”, nothing rivals the live-action remake of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. Not only did it manage to take a holiday classic and suck all the charm and humour out of it, it actually won an Oscar for “Best Makeup” despite the fact that the makeup rendered everyone completely grotesque (except the little girl, who’s the one tolerable element in it).
This movie was so horrible that it actually scared my then three-year-old nephew. Having been told it was supposed to be “funny”, he quite indignantly answered, “This is NOT funny!”
I can’t think of a better reccomendation than that. 

Left by Bill S on December 4th, 2008

“recommendation”.
(I had a feeling I spelled that wrong.)

Left by Bill S on December 4th, 2008

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.

Left by Aaron on December 4th, 2008

“The Christmas Sweater comes to life in more than 420 movie theatres nationwide LIVE on Wednesday, Dec. 17th and taped encore on Thursday, Dec. 18th…
Author, radio and television personality Glenn Beck reveals his softer side during this “living play” that features theatrical animation, specially-created projections and a powerful Christmas musical score.”

Left by J Edgar on December 4th, 2008

I don’t watch any Christmas “special” except the original “Charlie Brown Christmas” and the original “Grinch.” I can’t even bear “A Christmas Story” anymore and I used to love it. (sigh)
I remember as a kid watching some made for TV horror flick on Christmas Eve after church. My Dad made me turn it off proclaiming it inappropriate for Christmas. For awhile I thought it was “Black Christmas” (1974) but that was made for theaters, and this was a made-for TV movie. I still wonder what it was.

Left by Woodrowfan on December 4th, 2008

This foray of Glen Beck into the local movie screens has resulted in my never, ever going to their theatres again, period. Being subjected to that hate-filled, egotistical fuckwit in the previews like he was some sort of normal person sealed that one for me for good, or until this incarnation goes Chapter 11 (again), and then they’ll get another chance.

Left by StringonaStick on December 4th, 2008

I just watched the old Rankin-Bass “Rudolf” last night, and was struck by how much the residents of “Christmas Town” (a.k.a. the North Pole) are complete assholes. Even Santa is pretty much of a dick. The head elf is a Nazi.
I think this could provide sufficient fodder for a decent parody.

Left by Me on December 4th, 2008

This is easy. As much as I despise “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the gender confused remake (with Marlo Thomas in the Jimmy Stewart role) is even worse. It’s called “It Happened One Christmas.”

Left by RobNYNY on December 4th, 2008

Yea, verily, the projectile vomiting has begun at Chez Dave as he hunkers down on the home front, settling the fireplace ablaze and settling in for teevee fun. (Maybe it’s too much cheap wine, but I digress…)
The classics never seem to fade, at least far enough away. Just as one thinks that the bucket has been emptied and all the good ideas poured out, one finds that Mister Danny Devito is the gift that keeps on giving. First it was Deck the Halls bullshit, now it’s some crap-ass animated thing showing on network airtime this very week!
“Can you feel the excitement growing over Nothing sez true holiday joy like an animated reprise of a cranky cabbie in my book!

Left by heydave on December 4th, 2008

WTF?
growing over: “Little Spirit: Xmas in NYC”
damn, that makes me seem less lucid than I’d like you to believe…

Left by heydave on December 4th, 2008

There is that old old story (horribly colorized by T Turner)set in NY where the little girl doesn’t believe in Santa…but then Santa appears, or something. He gets a job at a Dept store. For some reason Personell doesn’t like him and tries to have him incarcerated for… something. Drama resolved in a courtroom by lawyers for defense dumping a truckload of “letters to Santa” in front of the judge. Does he send everyone to jail? No.

Left by Kathy on December 4th, 2008

“Miracle on 29th Street”. Or something.

Left by Kathy on December 4th, 2008

Oh hands down, the least watchable Christmas movie is a current release “Four Christmases”.

Left by actor212 on December 4th, 2008

“An American Carol”.
Nuff said.

Left by Tommy T on December 4th, 2008

Kathy: It is “Miracle on 34th” street. The original was made in the forties and is a great movie starring the young Natalie Wood. It has been remade several times, none as good as the original. There is one version in the public domain and viewable in its entirety here:
http://www.archive.org/details/MiracleOn34thStreet

Left by fardels bear on December 4th, 2008

Jim Carey’s verison of the Grinch….. annoying as hell

Left by The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma on December 4th, 2008

“Mystery Science Theatre 3000″ already did the definitive takedown of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”, as I’m sure scott would point out. Watching it (over and over) has become an annual tradition for me since I got the DVD um…three years ago? Can’t remember.
I’d also steer clear of the Mexican children’s film “Santa Claus”, that was also done on MST3K (unfortunately NOT available on DVD yet) Actually, as bad as it is, it’s weirdly enjoyable-even the gang on the show said so.
TGYDBHTM (if I may call you that), I’ve been suggestion that horrible Grinch movie every year and scott and s.z. have shyed away from it, understandably. Those of you who have not experienced this crime against Dr. Seuss and children’s entertainment may want to know that tomorrow night (Friday), ABC is airing it for all to “enjoy”. If you’re curious to know just how bad it is, tune in…

Left by Bill S on December 4th, 2008

I might vote for the Grinch movie if I’d ever seen it. I don’t want to, though. Jim Carrey and grotesque makeup just make things doubly sickening, and I generally stay away from kid’s movies. That’s why I always aim at Christmas movies made ostensibly for adults. I just wish I could think of more of them that are really bad. I mean It’s A Wonderful Life bad.

Left by papa zita on December 4th, 2008

As much as I despise “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the gender confused remake (with Marlo Thomas in the Jimmy Stewart role) is even worse. It’s called “It Happened One Christmas.”
Left by RobNYNY on December 4th, 2008

Yes. If nothing else, there’s a scene during the Pottersville dream/altuniv., in which Marlo gets all tarted up as a sidewalk hostess, that I found very, well, stimulating.
And: What do you think of the interpretation of IAWL that Capra meant that the real world/America was Pottersville, & that Bedford Falls was the fantasy?

Left by Malignant Bouffant on December 4th, 2008

Jim Carrey aggravates my PTSD and makes me twitch, so I can understand the reluctance on the part of sane people to view it. “Eight Crazy Nights” did indeed suck, of course, and would be a lovely choice. Have you guys done “Jingle All The Way”?
Can I put in an early bid for next year when “Silent Night, Zombie Night” is allegedly due out?

Left by D. Sidhe on December 4th, 2008

Wide World O’ Crap

Seattle Dan is a contributor at the General’s place, and also the proprietor of Jackson Street Books, a fine independent bookstore which stocks, among other fine, independent books, Better Living Through Bad Movies. And he’s been kind enough to post a review here. Feel free to join in the chaos in the comments.

Posted by scott on Monday, March 26th, 2007 at 11:30 pm.

COMMENTS:

Yayyy!!!
(Just don’t forget us li’l folks when y’all hit the Pulitzer circuit, k? Steal me a nice crystal ashtray or something.)

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 27th, 2007

Take A Peek, You Perves

Amazon has finally (some 7 or 8 months after publication) implemented the Search Inside feature for Better Living Through Bad Movies. If you’ve thought about buying it, but haven’t yet taken the plunge, feel free to follow the link and root around in the books unmentionables.

And if you have read it, please consider dropping by Amazon or Barnesandnoble.com and leaving a review. Even if you’re General J.C. Christian.

Thanks!

Posted by scott on Monday, February 12th, 2007 at 2:20 pm.

 

COMMENTS:

Fruit bats. Now I realize what I’ve been missing all these years. It’s fruit bats.

Left by edward on February 12th, 2007

Wotta wunnerful idea. I just gave it a rave review on my blog, which is regularly visited by my cats, who don’t have access to my credit card, and even if they did, would rather order double anchovy pizza than read a book. I’ll do it to Amazon, instead.

Left by thepoliticalcat on February 12th, 2007

Here’s my Amazon review, to make up for the lame-ass review at my blog:
(5 STARS) Made me laugh out loud so hard that I needed Poise pads!, February 12, 2007
Reviewer: Anntichrist S. Coulter (What’s Left Of Louisiana) – I’ll never forget the day last fall when this wonder of the written word, this pulp-based pulchritudinous prose, this book among books, arrived in the mail. It’s been a long time (since Hunter Thompson, Lewis Grizzard, and Erma Bombeck died, anyway) since a book made me laugh out-loud, but this one did the trick.
I’ve always enjoyed Scott & S.Z.’s movie-reviews-as-geopolitical-discourse pieces at World O’Crap (http://world-o-crap.com/blog/ ), but to have them in more-portable, curl-up-in-bed-and-laugh-yourself-silly, take-it-anywhere-and-annoy-the-people-in-the-waiting-room format was a great boon to my reading life. The title alone was enough to impress my former doctor, a barely-shaving young tot who specialized in “pain management.” Hopefully he’ll fork over some of his Medicare riches and buy a few copies.
This book is an ideal gift for anyone who’s ever liked movies, political commentary, or who has a sense of humor. And even for those stick-in-the-mud in-laws who have less humor than a wet diaper, this book is still a winner — they may not get ALL of the jokes, but they’ll at least give themselves a migraine in the pursuit, so it’s the gift that keeps on giving!
When I can, I plan to keep a case of Better Living Through Bad Movies by the front door, to help educate & enlighten wayward Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Amway salespeople. Also very useful for flogging the aforementioned people over the head when they JUST WON’T LISTEN.
If I could generate the interest and tax shelters, I believe that we could start a whole new cult based on Better Living Through Bad Movies — as long as the critters at S.Z.’s house get to benefit from the fundraisers, and we can set up our own compound out in the undisclosed wilderness (but sure as hell not in WACO!!) — Better Living Through Bad Movies could become a whole new way of life!
To contribute to the Church Of Divinely Bad Movies and Wingnut Exorcisms, just click on the “purchase” button!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, if you’ll kindly have one of your CIA contacts bump-off the nut-job who’s alternately “rapping” to himself out in the parking lot and banging on the hallway walls, I’ll not only be forever in your debt, I’ll come to your house and clean the litterboxes.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on February 12th, 2007

P.S.: http://anntichristscoulter.blogspot.com/2007/02/since-sz-scott-have-hit-big-time-at.html

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on February 12th, 2007

Ok, so maybe this is a book my store should carry. But can you do better than my main supplier, Ingram, can provide? They offer me a 15% discount and I have to pay freight. And non-returnable. But if the General and Annti love it, I think the most French bookstore in Seattle should stock it.

Left by SeattleDan on February 13th, 2007

SeattleDan,
Oh, stock this book. Promote it just a little and it’ll fly off the shelves. I ordered it before it came out, and kept my wife awake laughing while we were in bed. It was a refreshing change from the usual pattern, but that’s neither here nor there. This is a funny book.

Left by cranky on February 13th, 2007

HappyHappyJoyJoyHappyHappyJoyJoyHappyHappyJoyJoyHappyHappyJoyJoy
HappyHappyJoyJoyHappyHappyJoyJoy
HappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyJoyJOYJOOYYYYYY!!!!!!
(Can’t help it, it’s a reflex action when my friends get together and do great things!)

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on February 14th, 2007

May God Have Mercy On Our Souls

On Customer Appreciation Day, Scott and I announced that as a small token of appreciation and stupidity, we would view, summarize, and draw life-changing lessons from whichever two movies received the most votes from you, the Better Living Through Bad Movies buyer (and also from you, the Wo’C reader).

But this offer is due to expire soon: you only have until midnight on Sunday, Sept, 3, to finish identifying worthy movies, making your case about why they deserve the BLTBM treatement, and voting for the ones you most want to force Scott and I to suffer through.

On Monday, I will ask Scott to use some kind of a scientific method to pick the movie that each of us will be learning the character-building lessons from. (And it’s no fair for him to pick the easiest one for himself)

So, fans of bad cinema (and people who just hate Scott and me), have at it! But remember, I know where some of you blog. 

 

Posted by s.z. on Saturday, September 2nd, 2006 at 7:15 pm.

I have 10 suggestions, all of them either painful or baffling:
1. Baise Moi.
2. Hostel.
3. In the Realm of the Senses.
4. Manos, the Hands of Fate.
5. Forbidden Zone.
6. Solaris(the original Russian version)
7. the Bela Lugosi version of Murders in the Rue Morgue.
8. Immortel (ad vitam).
9. I Spit On Your Grave.
10. Snakes on a Plane.

Left by ralph_nadir on September 2nd, 2006

Easy!
[1] Tin Cup – ’nuff said
[2] Practical Magic – oof

Left by stupidbaby on September 2nd, 2006

Dammit, I forgot to make my case for each of these.
1. Baise Moi is a pretentious French mash-up of hard core porn, woman on the run exploitation film, and retro New Wave aesthetics that manages to wring itself dry of everything that makes each of those genres fun or entertaining in any way.
2. Hostel: Bad makeup, bad script, serviceable acting. I didn’t know that the optic never squirted mayonaisse when severed…
3. In the Realm of the Senses. Japanese arty porn, plus a castration.
4. Manos, the Hands of Fate. One of the best MST3K’s ever. We all remember Torgo. We all want to be Torgo.
5. Forbidden Zone. Completely inexplicable attempt to make a live action Fleischer cartoon…and it has Danny Elfman and Herve Villchaize.
6. Solaris(the original Russian version)…if you can make it past the ten minute long montage of Russian highways, it’s actually a nifty little sci-fi movie.
7. The Bela Lugosi version of Murders in the Rue Morgue. They added a mad scientist, and turned it into a whacked out anti-evolution parable…dreadful on all levels.
8. Immortel (ad vitem). Mutants and Egyptian Gods in New York of the Future. I’m not certain if this even has a story, but it is one of the oddest looking films ever…and the scene with Bastet and Anubis trying to figure out how to play monoply amused me to no end.
9. I Spit On Your Grave. Gang rape and castrations. Need I say more?
10. Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane. Motherfuckin’ Snakes on a Motherfukin’ Plane!

Left by ralph_nadir on September 2nd, 2006

Troll 2
Roadhouse (Patrick Swayze version, of course)
Glitter
Over the Rainbow (seriously. Carrie Fisher and a gaggle of midgets. It is spec-friggin’-tacular.)
Revenge of the Sith
Xanadu
Highlander II: The Quickening
Won Ton Ton: The Dog that Saved Hollywood
Crossroads (Britney Spears)
Employee of the Month (it’s not out yet, but maybe you could prognosticate it?)
and my all time, hands down, nobody could possibly ever beat this for how bad it is (but also nobody’s ever seen it):
Secret Agent Double-O-Soul starring Billy Dee Williams.
(And as an encore: Rollerblade)

Left by David E. on September 2nd, 2006

Any of the Star Wars prequels, of course. But those just suck.
If you can find a copy of either “The Swarm” or “King Kong Lives,” do yourself a favor and watch them. They really are very funny movies, however unintentionally. I reviewed them on the website linked above, and hard as you will find it to believe after reading about them, I described them very accurately.
Also “For Y’ur Height Only,” starring the Filipino midget James Bond.

Left by Bill the Splut on September 3rd, 2006

Oh my. I think my suggestion Robin Hood:Prince of Thieves is totally out of the running thanks to these BRILLIANT ideas:
The Giant Claw–Goofy and with an actor who was on the MST3K: The Movie(Jeff Morrow)
Secret Agent Double -O-Soul–just cuz I love the title, and it reminds me of when I cracked my boyfriend up the hardest (different movie, but same genre)
King Kong Lives- Cuz I saw the remake in whatever year, I loved it (for whatever reason) but by the time this came out, I realized how wrong and horrible the first remake was and this was the dog doo doo ont top of that. Yes, I want to hurt this movie–BAD. I’ve never seen it, but it deserves to DIE!

Left by maryc on September 3rd, 2006

Also “For Y’ur Height Only,” starring the Filipino midget James Bond.
Oh, man, absolutely. This movie is simply mind-blowing and there’s some awesome fight scenes. There’s also a sequal with a humorous pun on Bond and midgets, but it’s escaping me at the moment.
My suggestion is Cisco Pike, staring tBogg-wannabe Kris Kristofferson. Not only is it a big heapin’ slice of the early ’70s (“What’d you do last night, man?” “I was makin’ it with my old lady and smokin’ grass, man.” “Outtasite, man.” All white guys), but it finally explains where the surly, untrustworthy, childish but nevertheless incredibly sexy/lovable/forgivable dudes that make up the vast majority of frontmen for alt-country bands. Seriously. It’s like Cisco Pike is the avatar of every Western-shirt wearing douche that had sex with the entire female swath of his girlfriend’s acquaintences, emptied out her bank account to buy Jack Daniels, stepped-on blow and back issues of “No Depression”, and puked in her car, yet has the terminity to write a bad rip-off of Gram Parsons (who was already a bad rip-off of Merle Haggard, and that’s being generous) blaming it on her. Then, he gets his ex-frat brother to play really, really, really bad banjo on the recording. I know way too many cats that owe Father’s Day cards to Kris Kristofferson’s characterization in this stinker.
Not even the combined power of Gene Hackman and Harry Dean Stanton could make up for just the generally unlikability of what’s supposed to be a sympathetic, Byronesque anti-hero poet-badboy type. He’s also the rudest pot dealer I’ve ever seen. I bought a whole lot of pot in my time, and I’ve never ever met anyone that wasn’t at the very least polite and efficient. Cisco Pike’s a surly douchebag that insults people who could quite probably get his ass busted by the cops.
But Doug Sahm’s five-minute scene almost makes it worth it, for me anyway. I loves me some Sir Douglas, but I imagine the guy was a chore to be around for extended periods of time. And there’s a neat Sonny Terry tune in it, Kristofferson’s tunes are awesome (back when he could do no wrong in that area) and a plethora of them cool early ’70s women with the big, fluffy hair and the whole flowing way of taking up space and making it look pretty that they did so well back then.

Left by Matt T. on September 3rd, 2006

As a bad movie aficionado, I’ve been to many sites that review bad movies. There is one “movie that I have seen slain even the staunchest bad movie critic. The reviewer from Something Awful, a site thar specializes in Grade Z Direct to Video crap, after describing a hypothetical where you kill your girlfriend, your dog, your best fried, and contract AIDS he says:
Despite all this, you have nothing to complain about because you fucking haven’t seen “Nukie.
A little over the top, I agree. How bad could it be?

Left by Mark S. on September 3rd, 2006

The Forbidden Zone is available through Netflix
I have actually seen about half of it. Never finished it mainly because we started watching around 11pm. It is defnitely one of the strangest things I have seen in a long time.
My vote is for “Who’s Afaid of Virginia Woolf”

Left by A cranny mint on September 3rd, 2006

“Megaforce.”
because i know you guys love Barry Bostwick and spandex outfits, not necessarily in that order.

Left by rufus xavier sarsaparilla on September 3rd, 2006

Cherry 2000 (1987)

Left by J— on September 3rd, 2006

# rufus xavier sarsaparilla Says:
September 3rd, 2006 at 10:39 am
“Megaforce.”
because i know you guys love Barry Bostwick and spandex outfits, not necessarily in that order.

You are in LUCK! They did Megaforce for the book! It was hilarious! Run out..er surf over to Amazon (use their link) or any other online bookstore and buy it today! (saw it available on target.com, too!)

Left by maryc on September 3rd, 2006

Can I vote twice? My first choice was “The Exorcist II” (James Earl Jones as Pazuzu, Dee Bod Grosshopper; Richard Burton so drunk he can’t see to remember his lines; a Sufi disco in a cave on top of a mountain), but someone mentioned “The Swarm”, which brought back memories of Richard Widmark as an Air Force General pointing out the projected path of the killer bees on a gas station map of Houston and the mountains a few miles outside of Houston where the train crashes when the bees attack, and of course one can’t mention “The Swarm” without its bringing to mind that other masterwork from the mind of Irwin Allen, “The Towering Inferno,” with O.J. as the Security Guard who rescues a kitten from the 80th floor; Paul Newman as The Architect; Steve McQueen as The Fire Chief; Richard Chamberlain as William Holden’s snivelling son who used shoddy wiring to save money on Dad’s skyscraper, with the tragic consequences foretold by the title of the film.
Allen’s “The Poseidon Adventure” ranks up there, too (in more ways than one), but I think it’s been overdone.

Left by Basharov on September 3rd, 2006

Have you ever done the 1979-or-so _Flash Gordon_ with the score by Queen? If only there were more occasions to warrant saying, in the manner of burly British scene-chewer Brian Blessed, “Fly, my hawkmen, fly!”

Left by FlipYrWhig on September 3rd, 2006

Aside from my firts suggestion of “Vice Squad,” how about the baffling 1984 epic, “Gwendoline,” aka “The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak.” It has all the essentials: a talentless leading lady in Tawny Kitaen*, an incomprehensible ploy (not aided by the fact that it was mostly filmed in French and was very badly dubbed), and heaping, heaping boatloads of gratuitous nudity. And a lead actor with the suspiciously porny-sounding name, Brent Huff, though I note he is working to this very day, mostly on TV. As with “Vice Squad,” I note that this had a recent DVD release, with around 15 minutes of footage that wasn’t in the US release. I’m guessing that it’s even more nudity, ‘cos there just wasn’t enough.
*Well, Tawny did have one talent: at talent for being nude!

Left by Marq on September 3rd, 2006

I just recently saw Gwendoline, from Netflix…much more entertaining than Baise Moi, but, than, pretty much everything is.
And speaking of Flash Gordon, I would like to add to the recommendations Flesh Gordon, the soft core porn version of the story. It has some genuinely well done stop motion monsters, including the legendary Penis-saurus.

Left by ralph_nadir on September 3rd, 2006

Hmmmm. How about White Zombie or Mildred Pierce? I’m sure both contain many valuable life lessons.

Left by Sniper on September 3rd, 2006

Basharov is onto it. There’s gobs of shitty, cheap flicks out there, the truly ugly ones start from big budgets, lofty personae and high expectations that will crash and burn with spectacular panache. Stone’s Alexander comes to mind.

Left by nolocontendere on September 3rd, 2006

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.
Addrienne Barbeau’s finest hour and the launching of Bill Maher’s career.

Left by jpj on September 3rd, 2006

I’m with nolocontendere. It’s the big budget disasters, the $100 million stinkers, the ones that when you stumble out of the theater you say “What the fuck were they thinking?” that deserve the inimitable SZ and Scott technique.
I speak here of the Demi Moore version of “The Scarlet Letter”: hot tubs, dusky female slave masturbation by candlelight, feminine empowerment groups, a naked Robert Duvall dancing like a dervish in the flickering light of Indian campfires wearing a deer carcass on his head, and, last but not least, a happy ending, with Demi, Gary Oldman, and the obnoxious little brat riding off into the sunset in a buggy after escaping an Indian attack.
And Demi was paid $15 million for this?

Left by Basharov on September 3rd, 2006

1. Manos, The Hands of Fate – embodies the complete meaningless of life, the hopelessness of relationships, the difficulty of finding good help, and why people should stay home and not drive around wasting gas.
2. The Brain that Wouldn’t Die – complete misogyny. The only woman with a brain is the one without a body.
3. Sweet Sugar – What happens if you get on the wrong side of the law….

Left by Candy on September 3rd, 2006

Oh….Scarlet Letter…..ooooooooooooh.
And again, gotta say, I don’t think they are going to do any movie that was already on MST3k.
To the guy who said Highlander2: The Quickening–you are as lucky as anyone, cuz it’s in their book already as well!
They already watched it for the lifelessons, so you don’t have to!

Left by maryc on September 3rd, 2006

Take a look at “All That Heaven Allows.” True, this isn’t technically bad; in fact, it’s bizarrely compelling. In the end, its heart is in the right place, but its high-fifties idea of a social problem is, frankly, insane. The plot–widow (Jane Wyman) falls in love with a younger man (Rock Hudson)–gasp!!–who rejects corporate America, doesn’t care about money, and hsngs around with bearded, pipe-smoking beatniks.
‘Nuff said, I think.

Left by Ivytree on September 4th, 2006

In the hope that your deadline was midnight in the Pacific Time Zone, I’d like to nominate “A Summer Place.” Definitely the gooniest movie ever made. In second place, how about “Play Misty for Me”?

Left by sophronia on September 4th, 2006

Oops, I cut off my second paragraph, which pointed out that “A Summer Place” has lots of opportunities to make fun of the 1950s, which would probably make James Lileks cry a lot. And “Play Misty for Me” is a stunning expose of the horror of women with bad shag haircuts throwing themselves at poor, besieged Clint Eastwood. It makes you weep for the hidden costs of fame. Plus, there’s a concert sequence!

Left by sophronia on September 4th, 2006

Oooooooooooh, ?
I also vote for this one! Wait, I do get more than ONE vote, right?

Left by maryc on September 4th, 2006

As a late entry, may I suggest The Crocodile Hunter’s Collision Course? It seems he died today in a freak stingray accident. This baffled me, since stringrays are arguably one of the least lethal things in Australia.
I’m very depressed about this. But while he seemed like a really nice guy, and he did a lot of really cool things for a lot of otherwise-unloved animals, I have to admit, he was fucking annoying to watch, and that movie sucked lizards.

Left by D. Sidhe on September 4th, 2006

Alas, battling Islamofascists and rabid lambs made me miss the deadline but I offer Air Force One. I think the description says it all:
The role of Air Force One in the United States Presidency from FDR to George W. Bush.
I will have to insist, however, that you throw away all liquids before watching this movie.

Left by George Johnston on September 4th, 2006

So I’m a little late to the party but I’ve got reccomend The Stuff, a classic of the horror movie genre to be sure.
It’s got a lot going for it between semi recognizable actors (Michael Moriarty and Paul Sorvino) doing some of the worst work of their careers, a plot so absurd it defies desctiption, and, most of all, it’s about a killer dessert porduct that turns people ito zombies (one that looks suspiciously like yogurt). What could be better?

Left by John on September 4th, 2006

I’m throwing down the gauntlet (again) on “The Curious Dr. Humpp” – yes, that’s “Humpp” with 2 p’s, whatever that means. As I said before, you guys are good, really good, but this one may be too much for even your considerable skills. I usually manage to talk a lot during bad movies (my children will confirm this) but this one left me literally slack-jawed and speechless. But, hey, as a second runner-up, how about “Charlie’s Angels”?

Left by BeginningToWonder on September 4th, 2006

Okay I know it is official past the deadline but seeing as I bought not 1 but 2 copies of the book, I am hoping for some consideration.
Some friends of mine suggested “The Lost Continent”. They assume me it is a worthy subject. You have to take that with a grain of salt as they loved “The Forbidden Zone”

Left by A cranny mint on September 4th, 2006

Um, has anyone seen Scott and S.Z. lately? They haven’t been accepted into some kind of movie critic relocation program, have they?

Left by D. Sidhe on September 4th, 2006

They are well and fine, having a tough time making the decision though–I know that much.
regarding my post at 1:30 this morning…I pretty much fell asleep at the keyboard and forgot I was posting something when I got up to go to bed. Not a lie.
Anyway, the “ooooooooh” was for: A Summer Place. I saw it and it does have life lessons to be learned.
As for Lost Continent, again–that was an MST3k ep. Funny coincidence–we were watching that last night during dinner!

Left by maryc on September 4th, 2006

C’mon… you know you want to review Captain America (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103923/) or The Barbarians (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092615/). You won’t regret it! Or maybe you will…?

Left by Charlotte Smith on September 4th, 2006

I’d recommend Doc Savage.

Left by The Dark Avenger on September 4th, 2006

I nominate Battlefield Earth!!! Please, please, please…

Left by Sixpak Chopra on September 4th, 2006

Battlefield Earth is in the book. Cheating, too easy. We want fresh torments!

Left by D. Sidhe on September 5th, 2006

OK, this is way late, but true inspiration struck! The Last Dinosaur! This 1977 stinker stars Richard Boone as a rich safari enthusiast who’s shot everything under the sun–except a tyrannosaurus. Lucky for him, a live one is found, and he’s off to kill it! Originally planned to be a theatrical release, the US/Japan co-production instead premiered on tee vee, always a sure sign of quality. The dinosaur stuff is done with Godzilla-style man-in-suit technology, and wotta suit! Actually, for 1977 TV, the vfx are pretty decent, but this was before the first version of “Battlestar Galactica” premiered with then cutting-edge vfx. Man, I haven’t seen this since ’77, and though I was pretty forgiving at the time, I thought it was pretty sucky back then! Though, admittedly, I wanted the dinosaur to win. Until the Jurassic Park films, the dinosaur never wins. [pout]

Left by Marq on September 5th, 2006

That squatty-lookin’ thing on the video cover? Ayup, it’s the t-rex. [chortle!]

Left by Marq on September 5th, 2006

David E:
I believe you are referring to Under the Rainbow, which not only had midgets and Carrie Fisher, but also Chevy Chase.
One of my all-time favorite bad movies is the 1980 OJ Simpson Greyhound Bus disaster movie, “Detour to Terror”: A homicidal dune-buggy trio terrorizes a busload of Las Vegas bound tourists with the intent to kidnap one of them.

Left by phein on September 5th, 2006

Ooh, it did! (Careful, he may post again using another name.)

Left by Bill S on September 5th, 2006

“You are in LUCK! They did Megaforce for the book! It was hilarious! Run out..er surf over to Amazon (use their link) or any other online bookstore and buy it today! (saw it available on target.com, too!)”
now i feel like a complete doofus, since i read the book last month.
i think it was too much bad movie overload (i happened to have seen a bit of “Waterworld” in there somewhere and it turned my brain to mush.)
i know it’s too late to make another suggestion, but my other choice would be “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn”.

Left by rufus xavier sarsaparilla on September 5th, 2006

“The Beastmaster”
Because when my nephew was 4 or 5, it was his favorite movie, so I had to watch it over and over and over. So I began MST3K-ing it (before I knew about that show, BTW)
If you DON’T do this one, I’ll be happy to attempt it, though my effort will likely fall short of yours.

Left by Bill S on September 5th, 2006

oops-missed the deadline. But to be fair there was a family emergency* over the weekend, so it was easy to lose track of time.
*I’d rather not go into it, but one of my sisters is currently in an ICU. She lives in Colorado, and I can’t afford the airfare or the time off from work. (My mother flew there Sunday.)

Left by Bill S on September 5th, 2006

*I’d rather not go into it, but one of my sisters is currently in an ICU. She lives in Colorado, and I can’t afford the airfare or the time off from work. (My mother flew there Sunday.)

Bill, that…sucks. I hope she pulls through OK and recovers from whatever put her in there. And may you win Powerball or something, so you’ll always have the option of dropping everything and going.

Left by Marq on September 6th, 2006

Thanks, Marq.

Left by Bill S on September 6th, 2006

The original Solaris has the honor of being the only movie i’ve screamed “END! END!” continuosly through its final third.
I second the suggestion of The Swarm. It has one of my all time favorite movie lines, said by michael Caine: “The bees? I always thought the bees were our friends.”
It also features Katherine Ross(i think) hallucinating that her husband is giant bee while he tries to talk to her, or something like that.

Left by pablo on September 7th, 2006