How Much False Witness Can You Bear?

It’s been awhile since we’ve checked in with Doug Giles, Townhall columnist, Hemingwayesque Big Game botherer, jive talkin’ internet radio host, and Bishop of the Residence Inn of Aventura, FL.

Its like the Gospel of Jesus Christ as preached by the Sham-Wow guy.

This week, Pastor Giles has entered some sort of extreme sports competition, in which the apparent goal is to pack as many pre-debunked wingnut talking points as possible into an 800-word column.  Let’s grab a Mountain Dew and see how he does…

Obama said in his latest hem-hawing, foreign policy bloviating, what-the-hell-is-he-talkin’-about press conference that “we need to have a vigorous debate” regarding Iran’s current tyrannical Muslim-based governmental crushing of young people who desire a touch of freedom.

We need to debate? “We” who, BHO?

Good question, Doug.  Let’s go to the transcript…Unfortunately, I can’t find any evidence that Obama uttered those words during his June 23 press conference, and while Google doesn’t want to come right out and call bullshit on a minister, it does strongly imply that your only source for the quote seems to be your own first paragraph.

So Pastor Giles’s prevarications are coming on strong, right out of the gate, but will he be able to maintain the pace?

I’m guessin’ he is talking about American liberals and conservatives because—from what I can deduce from the YouTube vids—it appears as if the Iranian dissidents aren’t looking for lively banter with the death dealing, lying through coffee-stained teeth religious whack jobs who look like a group of angry, homeless Santa Clauses on crack.

I’m not sure this qualifies as a falsehood, but the non sequitur about coffee-stained teeth suggests Doug has founded a radical new school in the art of public invective — an intriguing fusion of surrealism and the Book of Mormon.

FYI to the Whitehouse: Ayatollahs, mullahs, and Ahmadinejads don’t discuss stuff.

Which is why they’ve outlawed cocktail parties in Iran.  The lack of small talk made things awkward as they all just stood around, listlessly spearing Vienna Franks out of the chafing dish.

They shoot you in the face.

I don’t blame people for objecting to Obama’s secret Muslim faith.  At least Mullah Cheney was upfront about it.

Uncut Islam doesn’t debate; it deals death to dissenters and, it seems, Mohammed is cool with that. Jesus isn’t okay with it, but Mohammed is.

Wow.  Your god’s a wuss.

From what I’ve seen, historically speaking, a vigorous and beneficial chat is the perk that a Judeo-Christian based nation, which has an armed citizenry, gets to enjoy.

Pssst!  Doug!  Look behind you — it’s Great Britain!

Oppressive, mucked-up Muslim nations like Iran don’t argue about their bogus elections or dictates with intelligent, liberty-loving, non step-n-fetch rebels.

As stated, they pistol whip them, split their skulls with a night stick, drag non-compliant co-eds around by their scalps, or simply pull out their guns and double tap the center mass of the unarmed non-compliants.

God only knows what we’re going find out about the June 24th, 2009 massacre in Baharestan square. I heard they used axes and threw protestors off pedestrian bridges.

Ah . . . Islam in action. How peaceful. What an awesome religion.

Y’know, after watching the past two weeks of Ayatollahs Gone Wild, slamming their zealous fists on their podiums, spewing more propaganda than Robert Gibbs does during his weekly presser, and pummeling any and all dissenting voices, I’m sure many people around the world are lining up to become Muslims and move to a country governed by mullahs. It looks fun, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a little bloody and oppressive and all, but hey . . . nobody is perfect.

It must be nice to live in la-la-land where trees are made of chocolate, where cigarettes fall from heaven, where you can print trillions of dollars and idiots approve it, where your administration can Pac Man the private sector, tax the crap out of our people, rob their health care, hard sell us bogus energy bills, while gutting the constitution—a place where you get to be the leader of the most powerful place on the planet simply because you can read a mean teleprompter.

And it’s called…Crawford, Texas.

I don’t believe the Iranians who’d like a free election (shame on them) want us to mediate a spicy round table spat. I think they desire a little more. I think they want us to meddle on a Guns & Ammo type level.

Exactly, they’d like us to sell them magazine subscriptions.  Why, I remember when I freed Myanmar singlehandedly by selling them twelve issues of GRIT!

Thus the protest signs in English. Kinda seems odd they’d go English with their placards if they didn’t want our attention and involvement.

Sure, even though “English is the most widely taught and understood language in the world, and sometimes is described as a lingua franca” I’m sure they were totally making eyes at us.

I, for one, believe that we should meddle in such slave states. The “we” I believe that should intervene is the old America spelled with a “c” and not the new Amerika spelled with a “k”.

Obama’s secret plan calls for using the poor man’s Red Dawn to rally the nation’s dormant Soviet fifth Column.

The reason I think it’s a good thing Obama and his admin stays the hell out of this Iranian throw down is two fold: If the young Iranians can topple their crap government, it’ll be a real morale boost, eh? I know it was for America’s founding fathers, God bless ‘em.

Wait — so we shouldn’t give them all gift subscriptions to Guns And Ammo?  Now I’m totally lost…is he lying here, or just babbling?  My scorecard is a mess…

Secondly, if I were a Neda in Iran, I wouldn’t trust Obama as far as I could spit a loogie. Why? Well, it seems as if he has a soft spot for Muslim terrorists.

During Back to the Future, a young Obama was known to stand up in the theater and totally root for the Libyans.

Finally, mad to props to GWB for spawning hope for free elections in the heart of young Iranians as they watched their next-door neighbors enjoy real democracy in Iraq.

I’ll go farther: insane propellers to GWB for showing the Iranians that if it ain’t got car bombs and sectarian violence, it ain’t democracy.

Posted by scott on June 27th, 2009

Emotions Are For Ethnic People

This week, Doug Giles, the pastor at Our Lady of I Worshiped at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night unsheathes his blade and pierces the budding mancrush of a fellow evangelical.

TD Jakes, Dallas based megachurch pastor and televangelist, wrote in a column for CNN earlier this month that as he listened to Barack wax eloquently during his victory speech he got “goose bumps.” This comment by Jakes, an evangelical minister, in turn gave me goose bumps—as in the bad ones.

You’re familiar with the icky chills, aren’t ‘cha?

I’m reading Townhall, aren’t I?

It’s that weird, tangible, frightening freeze you get when you wake up to the demon ghost of Leona Helmsley hovering over your bed in a Victoria’s Secret teddy at 3 AM

This is historic!  For the first time, someone besides Rosie O’Donnell is appearing in the obligatory overweight/lesbian/bitch slot in a Giles column.  I have to applaud Doug; he could have continued to rely on his tried and true material, but instead, he’s stepping outside his comfort zone and really stretching as a writer.

…or when you accidentally drink from the beer can your dipping buddy has been using for a spit cup.

On the bright side, you now Know You’re a Redneck without the necessity of consulting Jeff Foxworthy.

SKOAL spokesmodel Doug Giles, for New Tobacco Juice Mousse.

That’s the kind of tingly feeling I got when I read Jakes’ Barack goose bump bumbling gaffe.

Goose bumps, Mr. Jakes? Please. Isn’t all this “Barack gives me goose flesh” coming from male journalists, basketball team owners and now you, a bishop, a tad tweed?

I’d go further, and declare it positively seersucker!

Unless Doug meant “twee,” in which case…never mind.

Goose bumps? Have ministers and pundits been reduced to giggly fourteen year-old girls who discern Mr. Right based upon horripilation?

Oh oh, Doug has discovered Thesaurus.com.  Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a goosebumpy night.

If so, then I’m voting for 7/11’s giant cherry slurpee for president because not only did it give me severe chicken skin…

Is it just me, or does Doug’s every attempt at a creative turn of phrase, no matter what he’s describing, sound like some backwoods euphemism for masturbation?

…the other day when I was wailing on it

I mean, come on…!  A slurpee gave him chicken skin so he wailed on it?  Is that ever a reasonable response to contracting an STD?

…but I also had a 30 second brain-freezing drooling moment that was simply awesome.

So awesome he apparently managed to write this entire column during it.

Ah, the divining wand of goose bumps.

I remember an acquaintance of mine who married a whacked girl three years ago, much to his friends’, pastor’s and family’s disapproval. I asked him why the heck he was going to plow ahead and marry this chick even though all his closest friends didn’t dig her, and he said,

“Please stop talking like Maynard G. Krebs.  I’m begging you.”

Exactly what are we, the unenlightened cattle, to deduce from the reflex erection of the hairs on Jakes’ arm while he was watching the Obama pep rally? I tell you, heathen, what you’re supposed to construe: As a Christian who has been a part of charismatic church, when the pilomotor reflexes start popping during a church service, or a meeting, or while watching TBN…

The Power.  The Glory.  The Pink-Tinted Acrylic Shag Toilet Lid Cozy and Wig.

that feeling is a “sign” of the Holy Spirit’s presence, and thus God’s approval (never mind the fact that both the flesh and demons can counterfeit such a sensory experience).

You can easily tell if your goosebumps are indicating the presence of flesh or demons instead of the Holy Spirit, because the former two don’t use scare quotes when they give you a “sign.”

As a Christian who takes the Scripture seriously, I don’t care what an accomplishment it is for Barack to win his party’s nod. In addition, I don’t give flip how great a speaker the uber-liberal junior state senator from Chi-town is, either. Nor do I care whether or not he says he’s “filled with the holy ghost and fire,” loves Jesus, babies, kittens and candy canes. What I care about is his incessant anti-Scripture/traditional American values voting record, such as . . .

1. Abortion being available to mommy in all nine months of her pregnancy (how goose bumpy, eh? Except of course for the innocent kid that gets snuffed. No goose bumps for them).

Barack Obama is the Goose Bump Nazi.

2. Parents not being notified when their 13 year-old girl goes in for an abortion (this, too, is such a goose bumpy little ditty. What progress! It’s what we’ve all been longing for, right Bishop Jakes)?

Uhhh…Why don’t you just leave me out of this?

3. Opposing any and all bans on partial birth abortion, an act that includes delivery of the baby up to the head, the crushing of the baby’s skull, the vacuuming of the brain matter and then completed delivery of the child’s deflated cranium…

It’s called “stillborn” for a reason!  If you bitches really loved Jesus you’d bite the bullet and squeeze out that corpse the old fashioned way!

…(chilling. How a minister can stand by a candidate who supports this is way, way beyond me. But who am I to judge? I’m a critical white Calvinist male who doesn’t have a megachurch…

Bitter?  Oh, a tad…

and who is, according to the secularists and the ministers who support them, stuck in a time warp).

Well, it’s mostly just your vocabulary.

4. Advancing the radical homosexual activist lobby in their pursuit to destroy traditional marriage and voting against the defense of traditional marriage (sassy goose bumpages on this one, eh padre?)

Hey!  I said, leave me out of this, you Ryan Seacrest-looking cracker!

5. The creation of “special rights” for people who engage in homosexuality for the sole purpose of putting them at the front of the line on issues of employment, housing and litigation.

But you’ve got to admit, it’s a clever strategy.  Take “Bleak House,” for example:  If only Richard Carstone had buggered Little Jo in front of the High Court of Chancery, the judges would have immediately snapped into action and settled the case of Jarndyce v. Jarndyce before legal fees consumed his entire inheritance.  Of course, Carstone probably would have caught smallpox from the plucky urchin, but at least his lawsuit would be rocketing to the top of the docket.

7. The continued funding of Planned Parenthood clinics in our nation’s inner cities, which are performing genocide against the populations of African Americans living there (y’all feelin’ the chills on this one?).

But Rev. Jeremiah Wright was craaaAAAAAaaaazy for bringing up the Tuskeegee Experiment.  Speaking of…

8. And last but not least, the goose bump generating, now well-known revelation of Obama attending a church for the last 20 years (until shamed into leaving) that propagates anti-white, anti-American and anti-Jewish blather, zany 9/11 “was our fault because we’re racists” rancor, and a “black value system,” all via a pastor who hung out with Qaddafi and honors Louis Farrakhan (I’m getting goose bumps, howzabout you?).

Well, I’m definitely getting some kind of rash…

Finally, I have a couple of questions for all the ministers/ministries that look to or follow Jakes as a source of biblical and political inspiration:

“Can’t you see that man is a ni–  No.  Wait.  That wasn’t the question…”

What are you going to do now that your good bishop has wandered off the scriptural path by giving mad props to Obama

Doug’s black peeps respect him because he cares enough to savvy their kooky lingo.

…who has the most liberal (anti-biblical) voting record of all U.S. senators?

According to the National Journal, anyway.  Which, as Rachel Maddow mentioned, declared in 2004 that Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry was the “most liberal senator.”  What a weird coincidence, huh?  It’s a funny old thing, life.

Do you agree with Jakes’ take that he’s the man? Do you also get goose bumps when you hear Obama speak? Do you disagree with Jakes? If so, are you going to say or do something about it, or are you just going to sit there like a good boy and say nada?

The previous paragraph was brought to you by the word “race” and the suffix “-ist”.”

Posted by scott on Saturday, June 21st, 2008 at 6:08 pm

15 Responses to “Emotions Are For Ethnic People”

Sweet Lordy-Gordy, I haven’t seen you do a takedown of Dougie in a while and y’know what? Haven’t really missed it. Is it me, or does he use some kind of wingnut version of “Mad Libs” to write his columns?
Is there some way we can get all these jackasses into one room so we can explain to them all, once and for all, that late-term abortions are only performed in instances of medical emergencies where the baby wouldn’t survive a natural delivery anyway? Because they all seem to think that women who get them were just sitting around for nine months and then went, “Darn, I forgot to get an abortion!”

Left by Bill S on June 21st, 2008

It’s that weird, tangible, frightening freeze you get when you wake up to the demon ghost of Leona Helmsley hovering over your bed in a Victoria’s Secret teddy at 3 AM
somebody needs to introduce Dougie to
Glenn Murphy Jr. if he wants nightmares, or maybe not so much

Left by preznit giv me turkee on June 21st, 2008

The creation of “special rights”
I first read that as “special nights” and I wondered which night it was supposed to be, maybe it was tonight, although no-one told me about any special night tonight, but then I read it again, “special rights” oh that.

Left by Monkay on June 22nd, 2008

God damned honky.
What amazes me about Doogie Gileser is that he writes in basically the same psuedo-confrontational, conversational, obsessively alliterative style I did when I was thirteen years old.

Left by Djur on June 22nd, 2008

You should have warned about the spoiler for “Bleak House.” Liberal fascist.

Left by K. Ron Silkwood on June 22nd, 2008

does anyone proof read giles?

Left by distributorcap on June 22nd, 2008

Not without a jumbo-sized barf bag handy.

Left by Bill S on June 22nd, 2008

Scott, you are amazing! I could only read the first 3 Dogie paragraphs. That you read the whole … article?… is just plain heroic. and funny!

Left by Kathy on June 22nd, 2008

Isn’t all this “Barack gives me goose flesh” coming from male journalists, basketball team owners and now you, a bishop, a tad tweed?
Less-impressionable pastors such as Doug are reserving judgment about Obama until he gives them Stigmata.

Left by herr doktor bimler on June 23rd, 2008

Hey, now – give the poor dear some credit! Not once did he usehizzouse or beee-yatch, and I think that proves his cultural sensitivity right there.
That he avoided “My Niggas” is exemplary!

Left by Thursday on June 23rd, 2008

Revealing stuff, especially as far as his list of reasons why Obama=teh suxxhorz goes. Let’s say you’re firmly committed to the iron-clad proposition that abortion=murder. I would disagree with you on that, but at least it looks like a moral argument, and if you truly believe it in your heart of hearts, and if you truly cry yourself to sleep every night imagining all the adorable cartoon fetuses being cruelly slaughtered by Big Abortion, then that would be a valid moral reason for you to oppose Obama and his pro-choice cohort.
And if Doug had stopped there, there wouldn’t really be much you could say, aside from mocking his vernacular and sartorial sense. But no: then he goes on to add OTHER, equally horrific things that Obama doesn’t sufficiently hate the shit out of, like gay people and the Rev Wright. And all of a sudden it becomes self-evidently true–as opposed to just intuitively true–that he doesn’t ACTUALLY care about all the poor murdered fetuses. Because, unlike “abortion is murder,” “Oh no teh ghey!” and “oh no teh negroes!” are not valid moral arguments in this or any universe,
And yet, it’s all the same to Doug!
Obviously, this observation applies as readily to all those groups with ‘family’ in the name as well as it does to Giles (I will accept the possibility that there are anti-abortion people around for whom the term “pro-life” would actually fit, but you sure as hell don’t ever hear from them)–but regardless of who’s doing it, it’s some repulsive-ass shit. The man is a deeply morally stunted individual. Which I suppose goes without saying.

Left by GeoX on June 23rd, 2008

“morally stunted” – no shit. I didn’t even read the post (sorry Scott!) but really – Could anyone NOT look at that ridiculous picture of Giles and think: Yup, there’s a flaming queen. It’s so sad to think that so many wingnuts are so filled with self-loathing that they not only deny who they themselves really are, but they have to demonize everyone else who might offer them acceptance and love. Granted, that’s a small target audience, but still!

Left by AnnPW on June 23rd, 2008

married a whacked girl three years ago
Not surprisingly these guys really have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to get hitched. Apparently, even the mob had enough of her.

Left by Spirula on June 23rd, 2008

I remember an acquaintance of mine who married a whacked girl three years ago,
Or, as is more likely the case, whacked a married girl.

Left by Duros Hussein 62 on June 24th, 2008

Say the Lord’s Prayer with me, Jo! Say it Say it! Say it!

Left by Archer on June 27th, 2008

Sanctuary? We Don’ Need No Steeking Sanctuary!

Pastor Doug Giles, Vicar of the Vagabond Inn, sayeth unto his flock that the banditos from Treasure of the Sierra Madre are a’coming to burn our homesteads, rape our cattle and stampede our women.

I have nothing against friendly foreigners who want to get the heck out of their banana republic and get a legal life over here in the land of plenty. I feel your pain, hombres. Well, not really. Actually, I have no idea what kind of gruel you have to slog through while I live on a marina in Miami next to a world-class golf course.

Just like Jesus did.  Although He was able to just step off his 46′ ketch and walk directly across the channel to the Pro Shop whenever he felt like knocking around a quick nine, whereas Doug, His humble apostle, has to take the long way through the reserved parking lot and around the Yacht Basin.

However, given the fact that you’re leaving your homeland in flippin’ droves, I’m guessin’ the place sucks like a ravenous Rosie working the fleshy remnants of a ripe mango seed.

The Rosie-is-fat joke has even less to do with the column than usual, but Doug has to protect his trademark.  (Whenever I get to the inevitable Dykes!  Adipose tissue! jape, I’m reminded of the end of a Jack Webb production, when a hammer wielded by a brawny, glistening forewarm would stamp out the Mark VII logo.)  Anyway, chunky lesbians aren’t the target of Doug’s blank-eyed verse today; he has browner fish to fry.

Look, if I were a Mexican living in Mexico, I too would be braving long walks through the desert and even swimming across the Rio Grande during flood stage. Why?

Because we like you!  Oh wait.  Anyhow, raise your hand if you believe Doug would risk getting his hair wet after he’d just applied a fresh coat of Kerastase Mousse Volumactive.

There are three reasons:

1. American TV is better. Have you seen the horrid Mexican stuff they torture their citizens with?

Yeah, who’d want to sit through crap like Yo soy Betty, la fea, when you could be watching Deal Or No Deal?  By the way, Doug, a lot of Spanish language television — at least, the kind you’re probably familiar with — is produced in and around Miami, so why don’t you go pound on your neighbor’s door and tell them to quit blowing their leaves in your yard and producing crap like Dame Chocolate?

2. I’d get sick of mariachis playing their big guitars and singing through their noses at me in restaurants.

Outside of the major tourists areas, your chances of avoiding this in Mexico are pretty good. But if you insist on immigrating, I’d suggest you steer clear of El Torito on Saturday nights. 

I like peace and quiet when I eat an enchilada with my lady.

Doug, despite his collection of cranberry Banana Republic shirts and religious devotion to tweezing, will be represented by the “Dud” card in “Mystery Date.”

I don’t want three chunky Julios butchering their guitars in my face, singing “Frito Bandito” at the top of their lungs while I’m masticating with my Maria in public. Comprende?

Comprendo.  And a friendly tip: if you want to hear the “Frito Bandito song” you’ll get better results requesting “Cielito Lindo.”  Also, it’s illegal in four Mexican states to masticate your Maria in public.

3. I want some money, honey. I’d be running north to the States through Gila monsters, prickly pear and javelinas…

Wow!  It’s just like that one Christopher Cross song!

…because after about a year of living La Vida Broka, I’d like to earn some real cash, dammit. Getting paid in drinking gourds, chickens and corn tortillas after pouring concrete for 18 hours a day in 119 degree heat would get real old muy quickly.

On the bright side, I hear that over the next two decades, Mexico is planning to slowly transition from a strictly barter-based economy and introduce some form of specie.

Yes, I would be looking across the border for the bigger, better deal for me and mi casa if I were an upright Mexican with kids to take care of. Who can blame them?

I’m gonna take a wild leap here and guess…You?

I’d also be looking to relocate in the States if I were a punk criminal/piece of Samsonite/worthless scum bucket/Darwinian holdover from anywhere in the world. Why? It’s quite obvious. America has more stuff and better stuff for the criminal’s clutches.

Criminals are marked by certain innate characteristics, among them: ambition, a tireless work ethic, and a Horatio Alger-like willingness to endure hardship in order to improve their circumstances.  Also, they can’t be hurt or scratched, even when a gorilla throws them around his cage.

Look, sombrero and donkey theft in Guadalajara is only fun for the first two, maybe three times, and after that the buzz wears thin. In America, however, there are all kinds of toys to steal and plenty of people, places and things to use and abuse.

Yep, there’s nothing in Latin America worth stealing except livestock and comical headgear.  Is it just me, or do you get the impression that the closest Doug has come to Mexico is the front counter at Taco Bell? 

In some cities if we catch you, the illegal alien, we won’t even report you or deport you. Isn’t that yummy?

“Yummy?”  What are you, Charles Nelson Reilly?  I think what you’re referring to, Doug, are the municipalities that prevent police from asking about the immigration status of people who are being questioned, but not arrested.  But rest assured, if you’ve been caught redhanded in non-donkey-related theft north of the border, the authorities are likely to get a little more inquisitive.  So you should probably just take a deep breath and relax before you really get wound up and start shouting epithets at your readers…

However, you must be careful, you chunk of thieving, raping, killing and gang-bangin’ crud, that you stay in a “Sanctuary City.” Indeed, in order to have a long and successful life of crime here in the United States of Anarchy, you, the felonious illegal freak, have to choose with precision the places to prey upon our people. If you don’t, you could (if caught in some municipalities) get sent back to Suckville and the old donkey thieving, mariachis and Mexican soap opera schlock. And you wouldn’t want that to happen now would you, señor?

While Doug wrote this paragraph, he paused periodically to choke the life from a Speedy Gonzalez plush toy.

You think your gardner is just a nice, hard-working guy?  Well here he is on his day off!

To help you in your evil and illegal existence here in the States, herewith is a partial list of craven, criminal-assisting cities to inhabit in order for you to carry out dirty deeds…

If arrested here, never fear; the local authorities won’t even ask you where you are from and if you are legal. You will not be deported. It’s a satanic dream-come-true for you poor little darlings.

Because the local ordinances of Cicero, Illinois, and Katy, Texas trump the power of the U.S. government.  Look how the Feds had to back off from enforcing the drug laws in states that passed medical marijuana initiatives.  Suck on that, DEA, while I suck on this joint!  HA!

Rest assured, demoniacs, that the Mayor McCheeses who lord over the sanctuary cities promise you the following if you get busted: no deportation and outrageously cheap bail.

I don’t think Mayors –even the famously iron-fisted alcalde of MacDonaldland — can set bail or deport people by fiat, although I so believe the Grimace is empowered to summarily execute anyone caught misappropriating a Shamrock Shake.

If convicted, they guarantee you stupidly short sentences, a nice education, some soft porn on cable, three squares a day, plus Pilates classes and…and…when you get out…they’ll let you stay in their city where you can screw them and us all over again.

Nice prisons they have in Chandler, Arizona.  Of course, these are the same things Doug’s congregation is required to provide him (not to mention frequent vacations, hunting trips, and sabbaticals), so my advice to the luggage-resembling, donkey-thieving demoniacs casting an envious gaze to the north is to forget slogging across the Rio Grande.  Just rent a ballroom at the Matamoros Holiday Inn and start your own church!  But get a J. Crew catalogue and some volumizing hair gel first.

Posted by scott on Tuesday, August 28th, 2007 at 3:57 pm.

To help you in your evil and illegal existence here in the States
Whoa, soundin’ a bit like Osama there, sports fan.
evil…existence
…Ohhhhhhhhkay. Well, evil DOES exist. Anyone care to guess which Pastor I will now cite as evidence?

Left by Happenstance on August 28th, 2007

Oh, I hope the various legal and not so legal citizens of Miami read this incredibly hateful (and very unfunny) little screed of Doug’s.
I can hear ‘em now, (and allow me my own little precious package of Doug Giles like prejudice for just a moment here)
“Dougie! You’ve got some ‘SPLAININ to do!”

Left by Maryc on August 28th, 2007

Turning the other cheek and all that, but does anyone *really* believe that Jesus would not have put this little punk on his ass within the first twenty minutes of their being introduced at a party? Jesus was, after all, not white, and I’m sure Doug would have accused Him of being an illegal alien, possibly in humorous exaggerated accent. There’s really only so much a Messiah should be expected to put up with from the idiot greedily drinking his transubstantiated wine.

Left by D. Sidhe on August 28th, 2007

2. I’d get sick of mariachis playing their big guitars and singing through their noses at me in restaurants.
Because so many of the people who risk their necks to get across our border can afford to eat out…

Left by actor212 on August 28th, 2007

Dougito better not visit Mexico because the natives will doubtless sacrifice him alive before their god at the pyramid of the sun while mariachis sing “ai yai yai yai” and everyone eats nachos and bets on cock fights. Later, like after Dougito is dead,the party will travel via stretch limo to the “W” hotel in Mexico City where everyone will drink cosmos at the 5-star restaurant/bar on the 89th floor, listen to U2 and Lenny Kravitz play live, watch world soccer live on the big screen HDTV and snack on sushi and tempura.

Left by Mich on August 28th, 2007

I agree with Mich. Mel Gibson warned us of that very thing!

Left by actor212 on August 28th, 2007

OMG. I can’t believe people say this stuff out loud – and put their name on it!

Left by catnmus on August 28th, 2007

Señor Giles,
Bajate a los chescos y chinga tu madre.

Left by General Woundwort on August 28th, 2007

Doug “Nattering Nabob” Giles continues to exercise his vast abilities for awkward alliteration in a way that would bring a tear to Spiro Agnew’s eye.
I have to give it to him, though: he’s exercising more subtlety now. “Friendly foreigners”, “ravenous Rosie … remnants .. ripe mango seed”, “masticating with my Maria”, etc. Points off for the last one, though — if he must alliterate, why can’t he use shorter words? “Munching,” perhaps?
I think that Dougie has exhausted the great comic possibilities of alliteration. Perhaps he could progress to assonance for his next work.
I can just hear him now.
“Heh heh. Assonance.”

Left by Djur on August 28th, 2007

This is a “man of the cloth?” Not exactly filled w/ Jesus’ love, is he?
Takes the Self-righteous Shitheel of the Month Award, for the whole year.
And filled w/ cultural understanding, too.
This is what passes for humor in Wingnuttia, I guess.
Of course, he doesn’t say anything about the Cubans who infest Miami, their neighborhoods filled w/ signs in Spanish & the air filled w/ their music. It’s one thing if people are leaving a dirty commie regime, where there’s no upper class they could aspire to, but fleeing the results of capitalism gone mad is just wrong. Why, if they weren’t so lazy, they’d all be as rich as Carlos Slim!
Once again, I am inspired to commit physical violence. Aaaghhh!!

Left by M. Bouffant on August 28th, 2007

Man, what sterotype hasn’t this guy used yet?

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on August 28th, 2007

He left out piñatas.

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on August 28th, 2007

Y’know I should find Doug offensive. Lord knows if it were Mark Styne or someone saying this stuff I would. But I just can’t get mad at Doug. He’s to damn goofy.

Left by Gundamhead on August 28th, 2007

Yes, I would be looking across the border for the bigger, better deal for me and mi casa if I were an upright Mexican with kids to take care of.
Mi casa? People are transporting houses across the border now?
Also, scott, you accidentally repeated quote 11. Might want to fix that.

Left by Hysterical Woman on August 28th, 2007

Herr Doktor, Doug is kinda like a pinata-hit any line from his column, and stupid falls out.

Left by Bill S on August 28th, 2007

If convicted, they guarantee you stupidly short sentences, a nice education, some soft porn on cable, three squares a day, plus Pilates classes and…and…
OK, so Dougie Hoser makes the logical leap from “police won’t question people who witness or report a crime about their immigration status” to “soft porn” and “Pilates classes”?
He must be some kind of super hero!

Left by Dorothy on August 28th, 2007

Dougie Hoser
Dorothy for the win.

Left by D. Sidhe on August 28th, 2007

4. He had to pass through Santa Maria.
6. Jacob’s [pronounced 'Hey, Cubs'] well was there. Jesus [pronounced 'Hey, Zeus'], tired from his chupacabra hunt, sat down there at the well. It was about noon.
7. A woman of Santa Maria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Hey, coochie baby, give me a drink. A large marg; hold the salt. And maybe we’s can share some tequilla.”
8. His disciples had gone into the town to buy food and knock the sombreros off the Mexicanos in siesta.
9. The Santa Marian woman said to him, “How can you, a Knox Theological Seminarian, ask me, a Santa Marian woman, for a drink?” (For Knox Theological Seminarians use nothing in common with Santa Marians.)
10. Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of Giles and who is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink, hot mama,’ you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. I know a place where you can have sancturay, away from all these Gila monsters, prickly pear and javelinas.”
13,14. And he said to her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again due to Montezuma’s Revenge; but whoever drinks the water I shall give will never thirst; the water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life back across the border. Mi casa su casa, my little sopaipilla. You can clean my house and raise my children.”
17. The woman answered and said to him, “Can I bring my five husbands, and the guy I’m currently shacked up with?”
18. And he said, “Well, only if they can do some gardening and are willing to be sold to my neighbors for muy pesos.” He added, “I can tell you are a worthless scum bucket [ed -- had to add the 's' there; this is a family church bulletin] and that your Maria has been heavily masticated.”
19. The woman said to him, “Sir, I can see that you are a prophet.”

Left by arghous on August 28th, 2007

Yay! Somebody who knows less about Mexico then I do.
I thought I heard somewhere that there are a few really powerful drug cartels in central america.
It sort of seems like starting from scratch in a country where lots of politicians are pretty sure you’re a criminal because you aren’t white would be a step down from ruling an entire town with a iron fist would be a step down.
I dunno. I’d probably at least keep a summer home back in the old country.
Also, how Jesusy is it to say “I’d love to help, but you might be a criminal, so suck it.”?

Left by Christopher on August 28th, 2007

while I live on a marina in Miami next to a world-class golf course…
While your congregation still meets (for its one service a week) in Conference Room B of the Aventura Off-Ramp Inn…

Left by Doghouse Riley on August 29th, 2007

It’s a small thing,I know, but… Samsonite? What do wingnuts have against Samsonite?

Left by Ivytree on August 29th, 2007

sent back to Suckville
Lo siento, Senor Giles, but the Spanish name is El Chupapueblo.

Left by FlipYrWhig on August 29th, 2007

How does this guy even have one follower in his congregation? I just can’t believe there are people out there who think the message of Jesus Christ is “Listen to my servant on earth brag about his golf course home, and then threaten poor immigrants because he doesn’t like the size of their guitars, probably because he is overcompensating for the way My Father made him.”

Left by sophronia on August 29th, 2007

Actually, I have no idea what kind of gruel you have to slog through
Dougie baby, just because a hard slog is gruelling, doesn’t mean that what you slogged through was gruel. I have this mental picture of the Rio Grande after an oatmeal barge has capsized. But damn, the man’s an alliterating illiterate.

Left by Mentis Fugit on August 29th, 2007

If arghous rewrote the Bible, I would actually read it.

Left by Thorlac on August 29th, 2007

Me too. Or anything else that arghous wants to write (hint hint).
And yea verily, M. Bouffant, Doug Giles is a man of the cloth: Armani, although his follower has a brother-in-law who can get stuff wholesale at Men’s Wearhouse.

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on August 29th, 2007

Okay, I admit it. I chuckled at “living La Vida Broka.”
Somebody please kill me.

Left by Fishbone McGonigle on August 29th, 2007

I don’t get it. Why he inserts Spanish words when talking/writing about Mexico (or Latin America)?
Is it supposed to be funny? (It isn’t.) Is it supposed to show his understanding of the other culture? (He doesn’t.)

Left by Rebuscado on August 29th, 2007

I think everything he ever learned about Mexico came from listening to Pat Boone’s Gawdoffel ’60′s hit “Speedy Gonzales”.

Left by Bill S on August 29th, 2007

As a Canadian – and I’m sure I’m not alone – I sincerely hope Douglas doesn’t put the maple leaf on his backpack when he goes travelling.

Left by Lesley on August 29th, 2007

Bill S. says,
‘I think everything he ever learned about Mexico came from listening to Pat Boone’s Gawdoffel ’60’s hit “Speedy Gonzales”.’
Must be, since watching the cartoons would have left him with far less stupidity and more fellow-feeling.
Do you think his sermons are all racy bigot wit and faux-dialect colloquial riffin’ like this column? Hoo boy.

Left by Li'l Innocent on August 29th, 2007

No, that’s not ALL there is to them; there’s also dated pop culture references. Nobody’s heard the “Frito Bandito” song in about 30 years.

Left by Bill S on August 30th, 2007

So…whose enchilada were he and his lady eating? Or was it a falafel?

Left by LA Confidential Pantload on August 30th, 2007

“Steeking?”

Left by M. Bouffant on August 30th, 2007

I am filled with an irresistible urge to kick Doug’s head in. Stupid self-inflated prick that he is.

Left by Henry Crun on August 31st, 2007

So people give to his “ministry” so he can brag about his house, and expensive tastes? Damn! I’ve got to get into that business.

Left by pablo on August 31st, 2007