Spare the Rod

I don’t mean to poach on Roy’s estate, but one of his commenters announced that Rod Dreher, the Con Who Stays Crunchy Even In Blood Of The Lamb, was talking about balls. So naturally I had to click over to Beliefnet, because I’ve long been fascinated by the rituals of Orthodox Teabagging — the incense, the chanting, the liturgical tapdancing — and figured that Rod, being a pious acetic who survives on a diet of locusts, wild honey, and schadenfreude, would have the inside scuttlebuttplug.

First, a little background. A Catholic priest named Arthur Mallison resigned from his parish in McKinney, Texas after it was revealed that he had posted on Saint Sebastian’s Angels, a website for gay clergy.

“There was a faction in the parish that had started a nationwide campaign to put pressure on Father,” said Annette Gonzales-Taylor, a Diocese of Dallas spokesperson.Mallison was assigned to St. Michael’s in McKinney just weeks ago. Some members discovered the website and started writing about it on blogs in Illinois and Georgia

The diocese said the pressure on the priest was too much.

“He was trying to spare all of the parties pain, disappointment or embarrassment,” Gonzales-Taylor said.

The Vatican issued an edict in November of 2005 clarifying the church’s position on gay clergy. The Pope said priests should be celibate regardless of their orientation.

“They don’t want sexually active homosexual priests,” Gonazales-Taylor said. “All of our priests are expected to remain celibate and live a celibate lifestyle.”

The diocese said even though Mallison didn’t violate church policy, he resigned because he didn’t want misinformation and perception to hurt the parish nor the diocese.

Mallison was a priest at St. Francis of Assisi in Lancaster for 10 years before moving to McKinney. The diocese said he could be assigned to another Dallas area parish.

Some people might feel this was persecution, since the diocese has been careful to say that Fr. Mallison “has done nothing that violates church policy,” but Rod has gotten his hands on a private email from the priest which proves that he likes coffee!

Stephen Brady at Roman Catholic Faithful provided me this undated e-mail from the St. Sebastian’s site, written by Fr. Art Mallinson, who resigned his new pastorate in north Texas yesterday after his participation in the online site a few years back became an issue.

Roman Catholic Faithful is a website whose mission statement reads, in part:

we are Catholics who are faithful to the teachings of the Holy Father and the Magisterium of the Roman Catholic Church. Some of our members are priests, others are religious, but most are ordinary laity. Our diverse membership has a common goal — to fight actively and spiritually to restore Holy Mother Church.

Why was RCF founded? In 1994, Stephen Brady of Petersburg, IL began protesting the fact some Eucharistic ministers and others in his local parish were responsible, either as teachers in the public school or as members of the school board, for instructing his children in the use of condoms.

But back to Rod’s efforts to actively and spiritually restore Holy Mother Church by steaming open other peoples’ mail…

Fr. Mallinson’s e-mail to the secret society reads:

I have been stalked once — due to a chat conversation. I was planning on meeting this guy for coffee sometime in the future. In the course of a chat I mentioned a place that I often visited and when I would go. I thought nothing of it. But then one day this total stranger tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was K___, my on line nick [sic] — I freaked! He came to watch me and check me out!I never thought I would feel this way — and I wasn’t doing anything untoward. He didn’t even know I was gay — but I knew that he was. And he knew I was a priest … even though he didn’t know my real name. But the idea that someone had come to look at me while I was unaware … very strange.

We strike a ballance [sic] on this list — we confided feelings and secrets that we couldn’t utter anywhere else — and feel liberated in doing so, while at the same time — keeping a level of distance or anonimity [sic] for security. It’s a bit strange and scarry [sic] at times — but what options do we have?

Well, you could try living out your vow of celibacy, for one. Or joining a support group of priests struggling to deal with their sexuality in healthy ways, and not dealing with it by arranging anonymous encounters on the Internet.

As one of Rod soft-hearted commenters bleated, “priests lead lonely lives,” but that’s no excuse for planning to have coffee with someone in the future, because personally I’ve never had a cup of java that didn’t lead directly to intercourse. Let’s be honest…barista’s just another word for pimp.

There’s a lot of pathos in this, actually. The skulking, the clandestine meeting arranged on the Internet, the loneliness, the burden of his secret and his desires. No one can deny the frail humanity of a man in this priest’s position.

I have to admit, Rod is showing more Christian charity, more simple human empathy than I would have given him credit for, even if it does come with two scoops of creepy voyeurism.

But…

Spoke too soon.

I deeply doubt that anyone so conflicted about the tension between his nature and his calling as a celibate priest has any business in active ministry. Surely Father Mallinson’s superiors at the chancery when this was discovered must have been able to see that here was a priest in crisis. And yet?

And yet the diocese hints that Fr. Mallison could be foisted onto some other, unsuspecting parish without him even  molesting someone first, which I understand from Church tradition is a prerequisite for this sort of favoritism.

How has he resolved this crisis? It cannot be a matter of indifference to his parishioners, or those who may yet be under his spiritual authority. It shouldn’t be to his bishop either.

Unless his bishop is also part of the worldwide homosexual cabal that has penetrated the Catholic Church, according to the Seattle Catholic:

If those responsible for discipline of bishops are unable or unwilling to take decisive action against an openly homosexual dissident with perverse fantasies, what action can be expected from bishops much more discreet? Worse yet, combining this unlikely prospect of ecclesial discipline with the “openness” of American seminaries to homosexuals for at least the past thirty-five years and the unofficial estimate of a 30%-50% “gay” clergy, how many of the 300+ bishops or thousands of individuals in positions of Church authority are homosexual themselves?

And who’s to say the College of Cardinals hasn’t been entirely subverted by homosexuals? Perhaps that white puff of smoke that emerges from their Conclave doesn’t signal the selection of a new pope, but is simply evidence that they’ve got a steam room going in there. Why, this conspiracy could reach all the way to the red Prada Shoes of the Fisherman himself!

But where, I hear you cry, does the teabagging come in? Well, some of Rod’s raders felt his post (and some of the resulting comments) had the quality of a witch hunt, since the priest in question hadn’t been accused of doing anything more than belonging to a website where men who could not be candid about their sexuality in public sought understanding and sympathy. But to which Rod righteously thundered:

“Witch hunt”? Oh, please. The last refuge of someone who cannot defend the accused on the merits. Five minutes spent looking at the SSA website reveals that to be a complete canard.

John: While St. Sebastian’s Angels might be shocking, the little bit that I looked at made clear to me that these men are desperate for community.

Was it the tape loop of the ejaculating penis that led you to this conclusion, John? Was it the bare bottoms of the men at the beach? Was it the priest who posted that he’d had his balls sucked through the tip of his penis?

Say what you want about Rod’s conclusions, you can’t deny that the man does his homework.

Posted by scott on Thursday, May 15th, 2008 at 1:59 pm.

9 Responses to “Spare the Rod”

Not even pretending to “love the sinner” anymore, are we, Rod. I guess Jesus said it was okay, as long as the potential sin creeps you out enough.
Ugh. Just fucking ugh. Thank all gods I’m not a Christian and therefore don’t have to love pricks like Rod. Incidentally, I find defending Christians with cries of “witch hunt” to generally be hilariously inappropriate, but Rod definitely has a witchsmeller vibe to him and my sympathies *do* rest with priests who haven’t molested anyone. And don’t give me the shit about them being gay so you can’t prove they haven’t: you can’t fucking prove the straight ones haven’t either. I’m here to tell you sometimes they do too. Pedophiles come in all flavors.
Fuck off, Rod, you nasty hateful little toad.

Left by D. Sidhe on May 15th, 2008

Was it the priest who posted that he’d had his balls sucked through the tip of his penis?
Ouch! That’s called sucking way too hard.

Left by Mark S. on May 15th, 2008

That’s called sucking way too hard.
a common scourge amongst wingnuts

Left by preznit giv me turkee on May 16th, 2008

Was it the tape loop of the ejaculating penis that led you to this conclusion, John?.
Well, at least the ejaculating penis is the result of fun, unlike the spewing Rod.

Left by TM on May 16th, 2008

Jesus, you should pardon the expression, Rod Dreher’s religiosity is somehow more transparently pathetic than Doug Giles’ carnival hucksterism. Though it is nice to see that whack-job Protestant fascism and Mainstream Methodism Roman Catholicism“Orthodoxy”, or whatever Rod’s cult du jour is at present, can find common ground in their deep, dark longings.

Left by Doghouse Riley on May 16th, 2008

… the ejaculating penis is the result of fun, unlike the spewing Rod.
aren’t they the same thing?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on May 16th, 2008

Crunchy Rod is the Louie of the blogosphere:

Louie, played by Ken Marino, was one of the more ironic characters on the show, parodying sketch comedy characters who rely on stupid catchphrases for cheap laughs. Louie was a genial fellow with a strong desire to dip his “balls” (actual golf balls, not testicles, although the innuendo was certainly intentional) in various things. His catchphrase, naturally, is a very enthusiastic “I wanna dip my balls in it!” One of the more memorable Louie skits placed him at The Last Supper. In this skit, Louie and his catchphrase distract the Twelve Apostles from Jesus’s speech concerning his fate. It ends with them hoisting Louie onto their shoulders and carrying him away triumphantly. As they exit, two Roman soldiers enter and proclaim that they have a warrant for the arrest of Jesus of Nazareth to which Jesus (Thomas Lennon) replies “He just went that way, he’s got a short-sleeved shirt and a tie, and he’s yelling about his balls.“

Left by The Dark Avenger on May 17th, 2008

Was it the tape loop of the ejaculating penis that led you to this conclusion, John? Was it the bare bottoms of the men at the beach?
I’m shocked, shocked! at the insinuation Crunchy Rod takes any sort of prurient interest in this important research he does for Jesus. I’m sure he only watched that ejaculating penis and those bare bottoms because it was his Christian duty to do so.

Left by Realist on May 17th, 2008

We need to set him up with Pete LaBarbra.
(and set me up with Ken Marino.)

Left by Bill S on May 17th, 2008

August 10, 2005 by s.z.

Pastor Rod Parsley:  Christ-o-crat,  Wingnut, Guy With Goofy Name  Here's a "news" item from Agape Press: An Ohio pastor says Christians who are silent on the issue of homosexuality are not practicing Christ's love. In his new book, Silent No More, Rod Parsley tackles many issues facing concerned Christians, including the homosexual agenda. Parsley, senior pastor of World Harvest Church in Columbus, Ohio, insists that Christians have a responsibility to address and confront homosexual activism. He says being tolerant toward homosexuals does not mean remaining silent while radical homosexual activists attempt to force their lifestyle on the rest of America. "These people teach our children in public school, they are in places of business, they live in our communities," Parsley acknowledges, "but there's a difference in tolerance and forcing others to give credence to a lifestyle that we believe is abhorrent." So, if I'm reading this right, the pastor acknowledges that homosexuals exist, but he finds it disturbing, because they not only are allowed to live in our communities, but they are also teaching our children in public school (but not, thank heavens, in private school, which is why it's so important to send your kids only to these institutions if you're not going to homeschool them).  But the Pastor he would tolerate gays, if only they would stop being homosexual -- but since they insist on being abhorrent, he is tackling them for attempting to force America to give credence to their lifestyle (i.e., for asking to be treated like normal people).  According to God's Word, the homosexual lifestyle is not only sinful, Parsley asserts, but also deadly.  .... "Even if you take Romans 1 out of the picture," the author of Silent No Morenotes, "I'm against homosexual marriage and I'm against the homosexual lifestyle because the average life expectancy of a homosexual and lesbian in the United States is 42 and 45, versus 75 and 79. These people are fighting for a lifestyle that is robbing them of half of their life expectancy." And where did Rod gets those stats about average life expectancy?  Yes, from our old friend Paul Cameron -- and that pretty much tells you all you need to know about Pastor Rod's commitment to that truth that will set you free. But this book plug from Agape Press isn't all you need to know about Pastor Parsley.  See, he isn't content to just write crappy books and preach intolerance from the pulpit.  No, he wants to influence the political process so he can make sure that gays can never marry, women can never have abortions, judges are forced to acknowledge that Christian fundamentalism is our official state religion, and we are ruled by Republicans forever and ever.  Pastor Parsely was mentioned in the recent USA Today story "Shaping politics from the pulpits."  Here are a few highlights: Pastor Russell Johnson paces across the broad stage as he decries the "secular jihadists" who have "hijacked" America, accuses the public schools of neglecting to teach that Hitler was "an avid evolutionist" and links abortion to children who murder their parents. Russell Johnson leads the Ohio Restoration Project, a network of nearly 1,000 "Patriot Pastors" from conservative churches across the state.  ... Johnson leads the Ohio Restoration Project, an emergent network of nearly 1,000 "Patriot Pastors" from conservative churches across the state. Each has pledged to register 300 "values voters," adding hundreds of thousands of like-minded citizens to the electorate who "would be salt and light for America." And, perhaps, help elect a fellow Christian conservative, Ohio Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell, as governor next year. [...] "I like to say I'm not a Republican or a Democrat, I'm a Christ-o-crat," declares Pastor Rod Parsley, a supporter of the Ohio Restoration Project and head of a similar venture called Ohio Reformation. His ministry, housed on a sprawling complex in Canal Winchester, includes the 12,000-member World Harvest Church and the non-profit Center for Moral Clarity. Still, Parsley's book, Silent No More, features a laudatory blurb by Blackwell. (The book should "make values voters a force that politicians can no longer ignore," he says.) The tax-exempt organizations can register voters and advocate positions on issues. And the voters recruited by conservative churches are likely to support Republicans by overwhelming margins. I think the reason our country is in such bad moral shape today is because the public schools don't say enough about how Hitler believed in evolution, and don't teach kids that there is evidence suggesting that most parents who get murdered are done in by the kids they aborted.  But as entertaining as Russell Johnson was as the Professor on "Gilligan's Island," it is kind of scary how he and Pastor Parsley are trying to use their positions as religious leaders for political purposes.  If I lived in Ohio, I'd be concerned about Ken Blackwell (and not just because of his catty "Worst Dressed" lists), and would do my best to make sure he wasn't elected governor -- Blackwell deserves to be soundly defeated, for endorsing Parsley's book, if nothing else. But here's more about Pastor Rod and his Ohio Reformation, courtesy of The Cleveland Jewish News: The Rev. Rod Parsley, a wealthy TV evangelist and senior pastor of the World Harvest Church located outside Columbus ... has been speaking to the faithful across the country about gay marriage and abortion on his "Silent No More" tour. Last July, Parsley formed the Center for Moral Clarity, "a Christ-centered voice and force in the United States to help raise the standard of moral excellence and protect the Judeo-Christian values upon which our nation was founded," according to the organization's website. Hey, World o' Crap is also a force in the United States to help raise the standard of moral excellence.  We try to raise the moral excellence standard by making fun of wingnuts, because we think stupidity, hypocrisy, and intolerance are immoral.  We also endeavor to protect the values upon which our nation was founded by gently mocking people like Pastor Parsley.  So, support Wo'C and help us to  bring moral clarity to America once again.  Become a Founder member of Wo'C with your gift of $1000 and receive a numbered, collector's edition hand-drawn stick figure representing Ann Coulter - a beautiful reminder of your commitment to defend America's freedoms.  And although the Center For Moral Clarity will also give you a  DVD that "reveals our nation's Christian heritage," we'll give you a DVD of Manos, the Hands of Fate, which reveals our nation's MST and crappy movie heritage. So, I think you'll admit that Wo'C represents a much better moral clarity value for the money. But back to the Jewish News: Among the political and cultural issues the center hopes to tackle are abortion, bioethics, judicial tyranny and religious liberties. The center also instructs pastors and individuals in how to arrange church voter registration drives, legislative contacts, and petition initiatives. It provides legal guidelines and boundaries for ministers under section 501C-3 (the IRS category for tax-exempt, nonprofit organizations). Several months ago, Parsley's church hosted the third annual gathering of Christian pastors. Its goal: galvanize the Christian leadership to get involved in politics through the ORP. About 1,100 ministers from 80 of Ohio's 88 counties listened to Parsley and guest speaker Roy Moore, former Alabama Supreme Court chief justice ousted over his refusal to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the courthouse rotunda. Sadly, it seems that Ohio is following Kansas down the wingnutty path to theocracy.  Move now while you have the chance.  Oh, and Roy Moore isn't the only celebrity who has spoken at one of Pastor Rod's events.  Here's part of a very informative (and entertaining ) piece from the Ohio Free Press: The spring of 2005 has been a banner for Columbus' tele-revivialist cum spiritual adviser to the Republican Party, Rod Parsley, Pastor of World Harvest Church in Canal.  ...  And, of course, the launch of his 12-city Silent No More book tour at World Harvest on April 16 which brought to town rightwing writer and TV starlet Ann Coulter, Christian insult comedian Brad Stine, and another old friend, former UN Ambassador, presidential candidate, and recreational mosher Allen Keyes. [...] Coulter gave a restrained (for her) and unevangelical performance, with only a small tip of the hat to the public role of the church in politics at the very end. In fact, there was a niggling feeling (or maybe it was just me) that she actually held her hosts in contempt. After all, anybody who shacks with Bob Guccione, Jr. and Bill Maher, who hates to miss the drag queen's Halloween parade in the Village, and who says she lives on cigarettes and Chardonnay can't be all that theocratically inclined. If some of her more far-out friends actually got control and tried to put her in a knee-length skirt, she'd be the first to hit the Canadian border. Coulter spent the majority of her time attacking Democrats and liberals in general, the "liberal media," in particular, conservative "pundit" Tucker Carlson (apparently for his criticism of the Iraq War), MSNBC (which fired her and "needs to go off the air") and even Fox News, claiming it "isn't always that great." Coulter martyrized: "If Roger Ailes goes, we're finished." She advised everybody to go to Hollywood and make movies. [...] The hilarious highlight came, though, in questions 6 and 7 during the Q&A period. In question 6, a woman introducing herself as a mother who weirdly sees Coulter as a "wonderful role model for my children," asked if a woman would ever become president. Coulter replied: "But they [Democrats] just want to randomly choose some nitwit like Barbara Boxer, for instance. Or Hillary. How about that for a role model? Hillary. Get ahead by who you're married to. That's a good role model for girls." This was followed by Question 7, from a female college student asking advice on how to take back universities from liberals. Coulter replied: "That's very simple - especially with a pretty girl like you asking the question. You must join College Republicans. I promise you a lot of men will join. And since you're in college, I gotta give you a tip. It's a great way to meet heterosexual men " And there are a lot of pretty girls in College Republicans, which is why my male friends like going to my college speeches with me. " Who says Republicans don't do irony? Ann is right!  Girls shouldn't be like Hillary, and try to make it in politics by marrying a powerful man.  No, they should try to make it in politics by sleeping with a lot of College Republican men.   This thought was brought to you by Pastor Rod Parsley and his Center for Moral Clarity. 3:42:27 AM

Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: The Elimination Round Okay, you've now had a chance to meet each of our contestants, and judge them on their poise, congeniality, and hot bod. Before we start head-to-head competition, you get a chance to knock out a few more of them.  You have THREE votes. You can use them to wipe out a whole team, vote off three contestants from two or three different teams, or use all three votes against the one contestant you really want to see kicked off the island. By the power of Greystoke, you have the power. Oh, and the three people who give the best reasons for their choices (as decided by by a team of judges yet to be determined) get their votes doubled! Good luck, and may God have mercy on your soul. So, here are our current "Ultimate Wingnut" contestants. Get voting. 1.  The Korner Kids John Derbyshire Jonah Goldberg John Podhoretz 2.  Town Hall Columnists VBen Shapiro Dr. Mike Adams Doug Giles  3.  The Low-Rent Pundits Pastor J. Grant Swank Kaye Grogan Debbie Schlussel 4.  Media Wingnuts Ann Coulter  Rush Limbaugh Michelle Malkin 5.  Canadians Rachel Marsden Mark Steyn David Frum 6.  Lifestyle Wingnuts Peggy Noonan Dennis Prager James Lileks 7.  Blog Stars John Hindrocket, Powerline Jay Tea, Wizbang Charles Johnson, LittleGreenFootballs 8.  Respected Conservative Thinkers Charles Krauthammer Midge Decter David Brooks 1:15:45 AM

June 28, 2005 by s.z.

A Dobson's 10 Commandments Wedding

All the wingnuts are talking today about the Supreme Court decisions about Ten Commandments monuments.  When I saw the issue discussed on TV, it seemed fairly clear-cut (monuments that were part of displays about legal and cultural history were okay in public buildings; monuments meant to establish Christianity as the State Religion, poke a thumb in the eye of the courts, and jump on Roy Moore's bandwagon weren't constitutional).  But the wingnuts are making it sound like not only are they being sorely oppressed again, but that now nobody will know whether it's okay to steal, covet, and commit adultery and stuff.

So, let's hear what James Dobson and Focus on the Family have to say about this:

Court Issues 'Dangerous' Decisions on Ten Commandments

Two key decisions on public display of the Decalogue fail to clarify what's constitutional.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled on a pair of Ten Commandments cases today, decisions Focus on the Family Chairman James Dobson, Ph.D., said "tore a hole through the First Amendment."

Gee, if it has a hole it it, how will we be able to have a free press, peaceably assemble, or petition the government for redress of grievances?

On separate 5-4 votes, the Court ruled unconstitutional Ten Commandments displays in two Kentucky courthouses, while it upheld the constitutionality of a Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the Texas Capitol.

But the Texas ruling is far from a victory, according to Dobson.

"This was no affirmation of the right of religious expression — particularly Christian religious expression — in the public square," Dobson said. "It was an argument rooted in logic along the lines of, "Well, the Commandments have been around for a long time, so long, in fact, that they're kind of like any other historical decoration that might be used to adorn the walls or the grounds of a public building. So let them stay in place and keep accumulating dust."

And the Justices never should have relied on logic to make their decision -- they should have used GOD!

In the Kentucky case, ACLU v. McCreary County, the justices ordered McCreary and Pulaski counties to take down framed copies of the Ten Commandments placed in their courthouses in 1999.

[,,,]

Alliance Defense Fund Senior Counsel Jordan Lorence said what seemed to make the difference for the justices was the fact Kentucky county commissioners had issued a resolution expressing openly religious motives and purposes for putting up the display.

"They later went through a series of three displays where they increasingly conformed with what the Supreme Court has said about having secular documents with the religious documents," Lorence said. "But even with that, the court basically was swayed by what they perceived to be a 'bad attitude' that had been expressed in the past."

That rationale bothered Gary Bauer, president of American Values.

"Is this now the great sin in American culture — to be defiant of our masters on the federal courts?" Bauer asked. "The people of Kentucky, operating through their elected officials, were doing what I thought America was all about, which was expressing their own deeply held views about what they wanted to honor in displays on public property. The Supreme Court is on dangerous ground."

What kind of America is this, where judges say that it's unconstitutional for elected officials to express their own deeply held views about how their religion should be honored in displays on public property?

Both decisions, [ex-judge Roy Moore] told CitizenLink, struck a devastating blow to Christianity.

"They have actually confused the public by leaving one display and removing one display,

Because the public is so stupid (and religion is so weak) that any decision that isn't totally black-and-white will strike a devastating blow to Christianity.

but their reasoning is what's so dangerous and harmful," Moore said. "They are saying basically you can acknowledge God as long as you don't recognize that you believe in Him."

Then maybe you shouldn't have tried your Ten Commandments rock stunt, Roy, because I think God blames you for this devastating blow to His religion.

Dobson agreed.

Well, any reasonable person would. ... No, wait, I guess Dobson actually agrees with Moore, and not with me.

"What the court decided today," he said, "is that it's OK to keep a Ten Commandments monument on state-owned land, so long as you don't consider what's written on the stone tablets to be anything more than empty words from a bygone era that is only worth remembering as a distant point on a timeline."

He added all people of faith need to be ready for the next step — the fight to fill an anticipated vacancy on the Supreme Court.

"These decisions make it more evident than ever that the next justice must be a 'strict constructionist,'

In other words, the next justice must be somebody who constructs the First Amendment to say, "The Judiciary shall not forbid the other two branches (and the states) from establishing evangelical Christianity as the state religion, and shall not prohibit tax money from being used to promote the free exercise thereof."

a jurist who understands his or her role is to uphold, not shred, the Constitution," Dobson said. "All people of faith, those 'values voters' who made the difference in the last election, must be prepared to make their voices heard to make sure a future Supreme Court lineup doesn't eradicate our rights as individuals to acknowledge God publicly."

And to keep the Muslims, Buddhists, Wiccans, atheists (and probably the Jews, Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, and other weirdos) from having the same rights.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anyway, reading the Focus on the Family call to arms reminded me that we haven't focused on Dobson's family for a while.  So, let's check in with surfer dude (and author of Be Intolerant: Because I'm With Stupid) Ryan Dobson.

6/8/2005

Yes, yes, I know. I haven’t posted very much this (or last) month. It’s cuz I’m getting married this weekend! It’s finally here. Everyone is arriving in town these next few days, there’s a party at my place this weekend and then the big day is here. That is also the reason for the shortage of shows, but fear not. I have three shows coming so that while I’m away on my honeymoon you’ll have some great interviews to listen to. Next week the infamous Sid Stankovitz gets interviewed in his own tattoo shop (this is the same place Stephen Baldwin was interviewed. The next week I interviewed Jean Marie Jobs from ACCD. This is a great interview about transforming lives and communication. Finally the third interview is with my good friend and pro skater Richard Mulder. They are great shows so listen up and tell some friends. Send up some prayers for Laura and I as we embark on this new journey together and I’ll be back in the studio late this month bringing you some more great shows.
God Bless,
Ryan

So, I guess Ryan is a married man by now.  I wasn't sure that the wedding would actually come off, since he and Laura only met in November or December, and got engaged three weeks later -- but unless she faked her own kidnapping and took a bus to Vegas, they are hitched.

A while ago, English Teach (who blogs at Left in the Heartland) shared with me some interesting info. And now seems to be the appropriate time to share it with you: Ryan has been divorced!  What's more, his first wife is apparently still alive, and so this second marriage constitutes adultery! 

Yes, Ryan was formerly married to Cezanne N. Williams of Seattle (some sources say that her name is Danita, so she possibly went by a nickname, or maybe the other sources are just wrong).  They seem to have met at Biola University ("a private Christian university based on evangelical Christianity"), where in 1994, she was the assistant manager of the women's soccer team, and he was one of the team managers.  (She was apparently an accomplished athlete.  While attending her private Christian high school in the 80's, she set some school track records.  And as a junior and senior at Biola, she won soccer awards in 1992 and 1993.  However, I can't see where Ryan won any athletic awards.) 

Ryan graduated from Biola in 1995, after having dropped out of another Christian university and being a loser for a while.  After graduation, Ryan's Dad got him a job at the Family Research Council, and he reportedly married Cezanne in 1999.  Dad bought the newlyweds a nice condo in Southern CA (well, it should have been nice for the price).  But the marriage didn't last, and the couple were divorced in 2001 

You'll find no info about Cezanne at the Focus on the Family "How is Dr. Dobson's Family?" page.  A letter to Exit and Support Network suggests an interesting reason why that may be:

I just found your website today because I was doing some research into Focus on the Family. My mother and I are born again Christians. Now my mother has been listening to Focus radio programs for many years and receiving magazine and Christmas cards from the organization. She knew that James Dobson's son was married to a Danita Williams in 1999 (because we live in Seattle and Danita is from a nearby town). Anyhow, my mother found it odd that Focus never published any family photos showing Ryan and Danita so she called up Focus on the phone. The operator there sounded scared and wouldn't give a straight answer... then I started hunting for information and learned only today that Ryan was divorced back in 2001 and that apparently some Focus employees have been fired just for talking about it.
My mother suspects that Danita is a black woman and this had/has something to do with James Dobson never publishing any photos of the couple (my family happens to be black by the way).

Well, Focus on the Family could have skipped the photos of Ryan's wife in order to protect her privacy.   (And after the divorce, she would have been erased from the histories anyway).  And there's no info about Laura at the FofFsite either.  But yeah, they could have left Cezanne off the site because she was black.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anyway, as a wedding present to Laura, here are "Seven Secrets for Wives" from Nancy Williams, long-time married woman, and the "editress" of  Above Rubies:

1.  SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBAND’S HEADSHIP.God did not devise submission to bring wives into bondage. No, it is for our blessing, protection and covering. God’s ultimate plan is for His female creation to be under protection throughout their entire lives – under their father’s protection as a single person and then under their husband’s protection when they marry.

Because God made women weak and stupid, and thus needing protection their entire lives.
2. SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND.

In many homes today there are two Adams, both trying to fulfill the role of Adam the provider, rather than an Adam and an Eve.

No, she's not talking about one of those "Adam and Steve" marriages, she's talking about marriages where the wife doesn't stay home and bake bread and have babies, but insists on earning money and stuff. 

Many women have rejected the role of embracing and nurturing children to take on the husband’s responsibility.The greatest calling that God has given to women is being cut off because they would rather have Adam’s job! As we have adopted this humanistic stance, we see more and more divorce and broken marriages.

Women who stay pregnant and barefoot rarely have the resources to consult divorce lawyers -- as God intended.

3. SERVE YOUR HUSBAND.
Daily prepare a nutritious and appetizing meal for him. There is nothing more soothing than coming home to find the table set nicely, the meal ready with delicious smells floating from the kitchen, a peaceful atmosphere, and everyone ready to sit down to the evening meal.

After a hard day of surfing, getting tattooted, and interviewing skaters and Baldwins, Ryan will need a nice, peaceful, home cooked meal.

4. SWEETEN YOUR MARRIAGE.
Ouch! This is a challenge to me. If I start to get a little harsh, Colin will say, "Come on, Darling, be sweet to me."

"Give some sugar to Colin," he will say.  And Nancy will, um, honor his headship.

5. SANCTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE WITH PRAYER AND THANKSGIVING

Pumpkin pie and turkey are very sanctifying.

6. SEPARATE EVIL FROM YOUR MARRIAGE.

Keep your marriage bed holy. Just because you are married does not give you license to do kinky things. True intimacy in the sexual act can be gloriously satisfying without trying other things.

Remember: missionary position only!

Don’t bring death to your bed. Most contraceptives either kill newly formed life, or kill the sperm that holds the potential of future life.

And we mustn't do anything to kill the holy sperm that holds such potential -- so maybe you should keep any extras in a jar in the fridge.

7. STRENGTHEN YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOUR MARRIAGE.
There may be times when the tide goes out on your marriage. When the tide goes out, you see all the ugly things on the beach.

Ugly things.  Gross things.  Hideous things.  And that will just be in the marriage bed.

When the tide goes out on your marriage, the ugly things loom large. But don’t despair. Don’t look at the rubbish. Look to the Lord. There is a divine law I want to remind you about. The tide ALWAYS COMES IN AGAIN!

Since Ryan is a surfer, I'm sure this advice will be especially relevant to Laura.  I hope that she and Ryan have a long and happy marriage -- at least, longer than his marriage to Cezanne.  I also hope that Ryan's new book Be Hateful and Judgmental: Because You Know You Want To does as well as his last one did, and that the new bride doesn't plan on having children or pets -- because her father-in-law shouldn't be allowed around them.

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