The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Breaking Berke Breathed’s Record Of Self-Breakage

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I’ve got two posts sitting in the Drafts folder, rapidly decaying into yesteryear’s news, but I can’t seem to sit here long enough to finish either one, thanks to a sudden and rather show-stopping reprise of an old back injury (a reminder that taking up karate for the first time at age 30 wasn’t the smartest way to inaugurate my declining years). Ordinarily I can get through one of these bouts with a combination of Hal Jordan-like will power and the judicious abuse of opiates, but the Vicodin isn’t touching it, my doctor is reluctant to prescribe anything stronger, and Rush Limbaugh’s maid isn’t returning my phone calls.

Hope to be back shortly. In the meantime, s.z. may be dropping by to water the plants.

Posted by scott on Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 at 4:57 pm.

37 Responses to “Breaking Berke Breathed’s Record Of Self-Breakage”
There is a variety of vicodin called Norco, which has less tylenol and therefore, one can take a higher dose safely. I use the generic for Norco 10/350. The 10 is mg of codeine the 350 for tylenol. So one can take up to 30mg (tho I never have) safely.Also a muscle relaxant called “flexeral”, non-addictive and not too many side-effects (also in generic form) Good luck!
Ah, but nothing beats the sweet tone-poetry that is Ativan. The most horrible, excruciating internal injuries/recoveries are pushed into a warm, cottony fog.
Er… Not that I’d ever advocate the use of strong drugs. Nope.
Get well soon: we’re bored!
Why is it everybody has better drugs than I do?
Speaking as someone who’s said “the Vicodin isn’t touching it” more times than I care to remember (technically, I guess that just means at least one), I would advise moving to a new doctor immediately if necessary. No reason to put up with that shit because someone’s working through their ethical issues on your time.
advice from my physical therapist after my last bout of back problems, not that they were that serious, but this helped.
lie on your back with your calves up on the couch and rock your hips back and forth ~5-10 degrees, couple times a day, for about 10 minutes each time. good for lower back pain/muscle spasms
Johnny McMav: “walk it off, pussy!”
Hey, I took up taekwondo at 41.
give ME some a them drugs.
presnit: I will try the back thing!
Hydrocodone for me! None of this fancy pants boutique vintage drug! No sirree! I’m Amurican! Gimme the street stuff!
We have shared out the chores here at Maison d’Etre. My daughter does the Taekwondo and I do the painkillers.
kathy- if you have access to one of those big “swiss balls” that works even better, but the couch works fine
I bet big swiss balls could cure a whole host of maladies!
just have to watch out for chafing
Eeew, you people make me want to go home and hose down my Swiss ball.
Languorously, even.
Okay. These post comments….have become, quite possibly, the most FILTHY and HILARIOUS post comments EVER!
Bravo to all involved.
And where can I go to find a Swiss Ball?
preznit, when you say “back and forth,” do you mean front to back or side to side? Is it an up and down motion or a partial rotation?
It’s, um, for a friend.
side to side, if on the couch rotate your calves/feet side to side, with the big swiss ball roll it side to side. you’re basically looking to get some motion to relieve the strain/lactic acid buildup, but without weight on the affected area
I hope you get better soon. As for that Hal Jordan-like will power, does it come with giant green boxing gloves?
Swiss balls. Are those like Alec Baldwin’s “Schwette balls”?
Heh, they’re called “Little Alps”…
the Vicodin isn’t touching it
You’re not taking enough. You need about six. (make it five if you’re under 150 pounds) And don’t drink any alcohol with them. I guarantee it will relieve the back pain and anything else that’s bothering you, at least for a little while.
Uh, don’t plan on doing much of anything else while this relief is underway, especially driving or operating heavy equipment.
You’re not taking enough. You need about six.
At once? What do I look like, Gregory House?
Beware the tylenol in vicodin! tylenol with alcohol, or more than 1000mg in 4-5 hours is really dangerous! I’ve occasionally wondered if House is badly constipated by the vicodin, which would explain his ill-temper!
I know a crippled addict who, in one day, took 90 Vicodins and averaged 60/day for a few months. The shocker is that he is still alive. How? He switched to heroin, then later he finally found a doctor who prescribed him long-acting morphine. As you can imagine, his health isn’t all it should be, but he told me his liver is fine.
“lie on your back with your calves up on the couch and rock your hips back and forth ~5-10 degrees, couple times a day, for about 10 minutes each time. good for lower back pain/muscle spasms”
Preferably while joined to your partner’s hips. ;)
Ice that back. Spasms do not like heat, give it ice 20 min. on/20 min. off; repeat.
I’ve done flexeril, Vitamin V (vicodin), fistfuls of ibus and any other thing my doc felt might work…only ice did the trick.
Ditto on the flexeril, honey, and throw some valiums in there, too! Epsom & sea salts in the hot, hot bath soak for as long as you can, and for acute pain, rotate 20 min. sessions of cold/ice packs and heat. Those Thermacare things are good, but if you un-stick them from yer flesh, they’re a bitch to get back on, so if you’re riding the sofa, I recommend a heating pad on low.
Fuck the HOUSE mythology, there are several reasons NOT to O.D. on vicodins or any other narcotic pain pills.
1. Your entire body will have an allergic reaction and you will itch like poison ivy, a bad acid trip, and a snake shedding his skin all at once.
3. Raises your tolerance b/c of the fillers wrapped around the opioids, and the painkillers won’t work for you next time. Also, the binding agents in the pills are going to bind your guts up until your lower sigmoid colon is nothing but a DIAMOND FACTORY.
And on a similar note, please please PLEASE break out the Whoop-Ass tea and make a whole gallon of it, hot or iced. Then go to Wally World and get a big bottle of Equate (generic) “brand” fiber caplet pills (“fiber laxative”), generally $7.43 or less per 120 pills. You do NOT want the Burroughs-described hours in the can, nor what narcotics do to your entire digestive system, nor the ass-marshmallows that come from trying too hard.
Trust ol’ Aunty Annti on this, honey, been there, done that, four fucking times, got all of the fucking t-shirts.
Please take care of yourself and take it easy — never rush a back injury, I can vouch for that personally, too, y’hear me?!?! Remember you doing the yenta-nag when I was out wrangling feral cats with the broken screws ratcheting in and out of my spine? Right back atcha. “Billllll-eeee, don’t be a heeeeee-roww, don’t be a fool with your life…” Or something to that effect.
If your doctor won’t prescribe meds adequate for your pain, then yes, discuss it with her/him, and if that doesn’t work, and you can’t get into physical therapy, GET A NEW FUCKING DOCTOR. There’s a reason that there are so fucking many of them, ’cause THERE ARE A LOT OF SHITTY ONES. (Portraying People’s Evidence Piece #666 myself.)
I don’t know about the big swiss balls, but an exercise ball (those ridged inflate-a-bouncies) will help with flexibility, dexterity, balance, and stretching the lower back muscles. Best used with the advice of a PT, but if you can’t get to one, get some small 3-lb. dumbbells, do vertical lifts, curls, side curls, extensions, anything that changes your center of gravity and makes your ass and lumbar muscles clench and relax as you shift position. Trust me on this one. Sounds painful, but it really helps.
When on a soft/comfy/orthopedic bench/couch/bed/whatever, lift each leg, bent, up towards your chest, then fold the leg, holding it with both hands, as you feel the ass and lumbar muscles stretch. DO NOT ROCK while in this position, you’ll lock-up. Do this at least six times each leg per session, two or 3 sessions per day.
If you have a long belt or extension band, wrap an end around your foot/shoe, and then flex and relax your foot while holding the leg up in the air. Hold this position, pivoting your ankles as you do so, for at least 10 seconds each time. Don’t overdo it, but do it at least 3 times per leg per day.
Lastly, before and after doing these exercises, make sure that you find a place where you can put your feet at an incline of at least 35% up from the floor. Have something vertical and sturdy to hold onto, as your back will resist at first and try to alter your balance. Ease your feet up the incline board/book/whatever until your entire foot is angled up towards your shin, and hold this position at least 5-10 minutes. Stretching the calf muscles and hamstrings will alleviate a LOT of your lower-back pain and make it easier for you to do the other exercises, as it will limber-up all of those vertical AND horizontal muscles, all the way up to mid-spine.
When you’re feeling MUCH better, try to do roll-backs on a soft-ish surface where your weight is on your shoulders and your legs are either up in the air, bent & folded, or extended over your head. Definitely don’t try this before next week, but it is an excellent full-back stretch, especially for those clenchy muscles between your shoulder blades. If you’ve been slumping or hunching over and letting your posture slide b/c of the pain, this will help ease the muscle tension that comes from that. And make sure to sit up straight for at least 10 minutes a day against a straight-back chair, holding your abdominals and lower back muscles taut the whole time. THEN you can go have the hot bath.
Again, take care of yourself and try to behave until you’re all better, hear me?
Normally, I would never disagree with Realist, esp. with pharma experience, but on the six-at-once thing, I must protest. Higher DOSAGES will be healthier for you than MORE PILLS. It’s all of the other shit in the pills that really fucks up your liver, the narcotics mainly leave residue in the pancreas. And if the doctor isn’t realistic about your pain, FUCK ‘EM. And DEMAND real physical therapy, dammit!!!
Stretch, relax, stretch, relax, heat, cold, heat, cold, and if the Mrs. is receptive and feeling helpful, a nice heating-rub massage is ALWAYS good for muscle pain. Duh.
Glad that I stopped by tonight, it must’ve been spinal karma, eh?
And no, sorry, still not in a position to share, but I happily would if I could.
But do NOT let anybody talk you into Lyrica, y’hear me? I’m doing the cold-turkey detox off of that mind-fucking poisonous hoax right now, and it is PURE FUCKING HELL, mentally and physically.
If they DO try to give you lyrica, talk to me first. Seriously. Pfizer can kiss my wide, white, gelatinous tattooed ass, preferrably with a few large bills in its teeth.
Okay, what the fuck.
I write several pages worth of help, and THAT one is in MODERATION, but the four-line post-script goes through AUTOMATICALLY?!?!??!
I now, Scott, you don’t feel good right now, but kick your server’s ass for me.
Ahhh, much better. Damn if I don’t make a lotta typos.
Oh, and re: the foot/ankle/calf stretch thing, I left one thing out — it only works if you’re standing up to do it. Sitting down and stretching your calves like that will just give you a charleyhorse.
We gotta partay!
Thanks, Annti. When it comes to drugs, back problems, feral cats and/or tattoos, you’re absolutely the first Oracle to whose temple I would make a pilgrimage.
And cooking. And the world’s best death-by-chocolate cookies and cupcakes. Oh, and Huey Long, Ann Richards, Edwin Edwards, Molly Ivins, Margaret Atwood, Big Mama Thornton, Gatemouth Brown, and Henry Rollins’ books and spoken-word stuff. So nyeh.
Actor, darling, if you’re expecting me to have “leftovers” from the past 10 years’ worth of spine-surgery clusterfucks to BRING to a party, honey, you are waaaayyyyy too late for that. If I’d have been selling this shit, especially the freebie oxycontins that I got from Purdue Pharma, delivered by THE cutest little redheaded FedEx guy every month — I not only could’ve kept my house, but I’d have had flood insurance, too!! Fuck, I’d still be in NEW ORLEANS!!!
Partay, indeed. You holding?
Here’s hoping that you’ll feel better soon, Scott, and that you’ll get some decent physical therapy, ’cause for muscular and/or arthritic shit, you NEED PT to make that shit ease up and unclench.
And a good portion of HST, haven’t gotten to ALL of it yet, but Idid have those gawddamned bats follow me home from the LA premiere of “Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas”
I have nothing to add, except that I kept mis-reading “Lyrica” as “Lycra”, which made for a rather odd interpretation of your advice.
Um, Bill. Honey. I just got back. Please don’t be so rash as to go implanting cartoons into my already-damaged brain at this juncture, yes?
The cold-turkey detox from the LYRICA was quite sufficient to keep me stocked in nightmares for weeks, plus Mentis just sent me the unrated version of “BLACK SHEEP,” quite frankly the oddest “horror movie” I’ve ever ingested thus far in my life.
Genetic tampering with sheep. And I quote… “There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand…and they’re PISSED OFF!!!”Vampiric, carnivorous sheep and a guy who has a sheep phobia. Bound to be worth at least a few demented guffaws, at the very least.
At once? What do I look like, Gregory House?
Yeah, at once. You don’t have to swallow the entire handful all at the same time – just take them one after another.
Needless to say, you don’t want to make this a regular practice, but once in a while for dealing extreme pain has never hurt me. YMMV and all that.
I had to go look up “Gregory House” on Wikipedia to figure out what you were talking about. I’m not much of a TV watcher, so references to characters on network shows go right over my head.

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