The World O' Crap Archive

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Saturday, May 31, 2014

Emotions Are For Ethnic People

This week, Doug Giles, the pastor at Our Lady of I Worshiped at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night unsheathes his blade and pierces the budding mancrush of a fellow evangelical.
TD Jakes, Dallas based megachurch pastor and televangelist, wrote in a column for CNN earlier this month that as he listened to Barack wax eloquently during his victory speech he got “goose bumps.” This comment by Jakes, an evangelical minister, in turn gave me goose bumps—as in the bad ones.
You’re familiar with the icky chills, aren’t ‘cha?
I’m reading Townhall, aren’t I?
It’s that weird, tangible, frightening freeze you get when you wake up to the demon ghost of Leona Helmsley hovering over your bed in a Victoria’s Secret teddy at 3 AM
This is historic!  For the first time, someone besides Rosie O’Donnell is appearing in the obligatory overweight/lesbian/bitch slot in a Giles column.  I have to applaud Doug; he could have continued to rely on his tried and true material, but instead, he’s stepping outside his comfort zone and really stretching as a writer.
…or when you accidentally drink from the beer can your dipping buddy has been using for a spit cup.
On the bright side, you now Know You’re a Redneck without the necessity of consulting Jeff Foxworthy.
SKOAL spokesmodel Doug Giles, for New Tobacco Juice Mousse.
That’s the kind of tingly feeling I got when I read Jakes’ Barack goose bump bumbling gaffe.
Goose bumps, Mr. Jakes? Please. Isn’t all this “Barack gives me goose flesh” coming from male journalists, basketball team owners and now you, a bishop, a tad tweed?
I’d go further, and declare it positively seersucker!
Unless Doug meant “twee,” in which case…never mind.
Goose bumps? Have ministers and pundits been reduced to giggly fourteen year-old girls who discern Mr. Right based upon horripilation?
Oh oh, Doug has discovered  Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a goosebumpy night.
If so, then I’m voting for 7/11’s giant cherry slurpee for president because not only did it give me severe chicken skin…
Is it just me, or does Doug’s every attempt at a creative turn of phrase, no matter what he’s describing, sound like some backwoods euphemism for masturbation?
…the other day when I was wailing on it
I mean, come on…!  A slurpee gave him chicken skin so he wailed on it?  Is that ever a reasonable response to contracting an STD?
…but I also had a 30 second brain-freezing drooling moment that was simply awesome.
So awesome he apparently managed to write this entire column during it.
Ah, the divining wand of goose bumps.
I remember an acquaintance of mine who married a whacked girl three years ago, much to his friends’, pastor’s and family’s disapproval. I asked him why the heck he was going to plow ahead and marry this chick even though all his closest friends didn’t dig her, and he said,
“Please stop talking like Maynard G. Krebs.  I’m begging you.”
Exactly what are we, the unenlightened cattle, to deduce from the reflex erection of the hairs on Jakes’ arm while he was watching the Obama pep rally? I tell you, heathen, what you’re supposed to construe: As a Christian who has been a part of charismatic church, when the pilomotor reflexes start popping during a church service, or a meeting, or while watching TBN…
The Power.  The Glory.  The Pink-Tinted Acrylic Shag Toilet Lid Cozy and Wig.
that feeling is a “sign” of the Holy Spirit’s presence, and thus God’s approval (never mind the fact that both the flesh and demons can counterfeit such a sensory experience).
You can easily tell if your goosebumps are indicating the presence of flesh or demons instead of the Holy Spirit, because the former two don’t use scare quotes when they give you a “sign.”
As a Christian who takes the Scripture seriously, I don’t care what an accomplishment it is for Barack to win his party’s nod. In addition, I don’t give flip how great a speaker the uber-liberal junior state senator from Chi-town is, either. Nor do I care whether or not he says he’s “filled with the holy ghost and fire,” loves Jesus, babies, kittens and candy canes. What I care about is his incessant anti-Scripture/traditional American values voting record, such as . . .
1. Abortion being available to mommy in all nine months of her pregnancy (how goose bumpy, eh? Except of course for the innocent kid that gets snuffed. No goose bumps for them).
Barack Obama is the Goose Bump Nazi.
2. Parents not being notified when their 13 year-old girl goes in for an abortion (this, too, is such a goose bumpy little ditty. What progress! It’s what we’ve all been longing for, right Bishop Jakes)?
Uhhh…Why don’t you just leave me out of this?
3. Opposing any and all bans on partial birth abortion, an act that includes delivery of the baby up to the head, the crushing of the baby’s skull, the vacuuming of the brain matter and then completed delivery of the child’s deflated cranium…
It’s called “stillborn” for a reason!  If you bitches really loved Jesus you’d bite the bullet and squeeze out that corpse the old fashioned way!
…(chilling. How a minister can stand by a candidate who supports this is way, way beyond me. But who am I to judge? I’m a critical white Calvinist male who doesn’t have a megachurch…
Bitter?  Oh, a tad…
and who is, according to the secularists and the ministers who support them, stuck in a time warp).
Well, it’s mostly just your vocabulary.
4. Advancing the radical homosexual activist lobby in their pursuit to destroy traditional marriage and voting against the defense of traditional marriage (sassy goose bumpages on this one, eh padre?)
Hey!  I said, leave me out of this, you Ryan Seacrest-looking cracker!
5. The creation of “special rights” for people who engage in homosexuality for the sole purpose of putting them at the front of the line on issues of employment, housing and litigation.
But you’ve got to admit, it’s a clever strategy.  Take “Bleak House,” for example:  If only Richard Carstone had buggered Little Jo in front of the High Court of Chancery, the judges would have immediately snapped into action and settled the case of Jarndyce v. Jarndyce before legal fees consumed his entire inheritance.  Of course, Carstone probably would have caught smallpox from the plucky urchin, but at least his lawsuit would be rocketing to the top of the docket.
7. The continued funding of Planned Parenthood clinics in our nation’s inner cities, which are performing genocide against the populations of African Americans living there (y’all feelin’ the chills on this one?).
But Rev. Jeremiah Wright was craaaAAAAAaaaazy for bringing up the Tuskeegee Experiment.  Speaking of…
8. And last but not least, the goose bump generating, now well-known revelation of Obama attending a church for the last 20 years (until shamed into leaving) that propagates anti-white, anti-American and anti-Jewish blather, zany 9/11 “was our fault because we’re racists” rancor, and a “black value system,” all via a pastor who hung out with Qaddafi and honors Louis Farrakhan (I’m getting goose bumps, howzabout you?).
Well, I’m definitely getting some kind of rash…
Finally, I have a couple of questions for all the ministers/ministries that look to or follow Jakes as a source of biblical and political inspiration:
Can’t you see that man is a ni–  No.  Wait.  That wasn’t the question…”
What are you going to do now that your good bishop has wandered off the scriptural path by giving mad props to Obama
Doug’s black peeps respect him because he cares enough to savvy their kooky lingo.
…who has the most liberal (anti-biblical) voting record of all U.S. senators?
According to the National Journal, anyway.  Which, as Rachel Maddow mentioned, declared in 2004 that Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry was the “most liberal senator.”  What a weird coincidence, huh?  It’s a funny old thing, life.
Do you agree with Jakes’ take that he’s the man? Do you also get goose bumps when you hear Obama speak? Do you disagree with Jakes? If so, are you going to say or do something about it, or are you just going to sit there like a good boy and say nada?
The previous paragraph was brought to you by the word “race” and the suffix “-ist”.”
Posted by scott on Saturday, June 21st, 2008 at 6:08 pm

15 Responses to “Emotions Are For Ethnic People”
Sweet Lordy-Gordy, I haven’t seen you do a takedown of Dougie in a while and y’know what? Haven’t really missed it. Is it me, or does he use some kind of wingnut version of “Mad Libs” to write his columns?
Is there some way we can get all these jackasses into one room so we can explain to them all, once and for all, that late-term abortions are only performed in instances of medical emergencies where the baby wouldn’t survive a natural delivery anyway? Because they all seem to think that women who get them were just sitting around for nine months and then went, “Darn, I forgot to get an abortion!”
It’s that weird, tangible, frightening freeze you get when you wake up to the demon ghost of Leona Helmsley hovering over your bed in a Victoria’s Secret teddy at 3 AM
somebody needs to introduce Dougie to
Glenn Murphy Jr. if he wants nightmares, or maybe not so much
The creation of “special rights”
I first read that as “special nights” and I wondered which night it was supposed to be, maybe it was tonight, although no-one told me about any special night tonight, but then I read it again, “special rights” oh that.
God damned honky.
What amazes me about Doogie Gileser is that he writes in basically the same psuedo-confrontational, conversational, obsessively alliterative style I did when I was thirteen years old.
You should have warned about the spoiler for “Bleak House.” Liberal fascist.
does anyone proof read giles?
Not without a jumbo-sized barf bag handy.
Scott, you are amazing! I could only read the first 3 Dogie paragraphs. That you read the whole … article?… is just plain heroic. and funny!
Isn’t all this “Barack gives me goose flesh” coming from male journalists, basketball team owners and now you, a bishop, a tad tweed?
Less-impressionable pastors such as Doug are reserving judgment about Obama until he gives them Stigmata.
Hey, now – give the poor dear some credit! Not once did he usehizzouse or beee-yatch, and I think that proves his cultural sensitivity right there.
That he avoided “My Niggas” is exemplary!
Revealing stuff, especially as far as his list of reasons why Obama=teh suxxhorz goes. Let’s say you’re firmly committed to the iron-clad proposition that abortion=murder. I would disagree with you on that, but at least it looks like a moral argument, and if you truly believe it in your heart of hearts, and if you truly cry yourself to sleep every night imagining all the adorable cartoon fetuses being cruelly slaughtered by Big Abortion, then that would be a valid moral reason for you to oppose Obama and his pro-choice cohort.
And if Doug had stopped there, there wouldn’t really be much you could say, aside from mocking his vernacular and sartorial sense. But no: then he goes on to add OTHER, equally horrific things that Obama doesn’t sufficiently hate the shit out of, like gay people and the Rev Wright. And all of a sudden it becomes self-evidently true–as opposed to just intuitively true–that he doesn’t ACTUALLY care about all the poor murdered fetuses. Because, unlike “abortion is murder,” “Oh no teh ghey!” and “oh no teh negroes!” are not valid moral arguments in this or any universe,
And yet, it’s all the same to Doug!
Obviously, this observation applies as readily to all those groups with ‘family’ in the name as well as it does to Giles (I will accept the possibility that there are anti-abortion people around for whom the term “pro-life” would actually fit, but you sure as hell don’t ever hear from them)–but regardless of who’s doing it, it’s some repulsive-ass shit. The man is a deeply morally stunted individual. Which I suppose goes without saying.
“morally stunted” – no shit. I didn’t even read the post (sorry Scott!) but really – Could anyone NOT look at that ridiculous picture of Giles and think: Yup, there’s a flaming queen. It’s so sad to think that so many wingnuts are so filled with self-loathing that they not only deny who they themselves really are, but they have to demonize everyone else who might offer them acceptance and love. Granted, that’s a small target audience, but still!
married a whacked girl three years ago
Not surprisingly these guys really have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to get hitched. Apparently, even the mob had enough of her.
I remember an acquaintance of mine who married a whacked girl three years ago,
Or, as is more likely the case, whacked a married girl.
Say the Lord’s Prayer with me, Jo! Say it Say it! Say it!

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