From Whiskey Fire we see that “MGM is thinking about remaking Red Dawn.” Naturally, this arouses the denizens at Libertas, and causes heavily armed high school boys to pitch a pup tent in Dirty Harry’s shorts:
As with any remake we could spend days talking about how they will screw this up (and they will), but think about how great it could be – it won’t be great because that might help Bush — but having an army of Iranian backed Islamo-Nazis occupy a part of the United States would not only be a rip-roaring action yarn but also an important reminder of the evil ideology we’re fighting.The whole movie should be an allegory about the hell Obama has promised to unleash on the Iraqi people should he win the election. Great stories ask and answer what if…? What if we abandoned millions of innocents to Iranian backed jihadists? What if we abandoned them because it was just too hard to liberate them? What if, thanks to weak-kneed liberal politicians, those millions of innocents fed into a meat grinder were Americans?In my hands it would be set in Manhattan because an island’s easier for the terrorists to defend and chock-full of appeasers in desperate need of a wake-up call. The scene with a herd of Greenwich Village liberals being shoved into burqas writes itself.Is war the answer now, punk? Oh, it is? Good. Then why isn’t it when the people are brown-skinned foreigners?
Which is why the Iraq war, while a strategic military disaster, has been a masterpiece of social conditioning. We immunize ourselves against charges of racism and imperialism by defending brown-skinned foreigners while accustoming our young men and women to the task of killing brown-skinned foreigners. It’s like softening our hands while we do the dishes! “Blood? You’re soaking in it! HA ha ha ha ha!”
Anyway. This will all come in handy when we make our final stand against the endless brown waves of the Reconquista (as one Libertas commenter points out.)
If you’ve read Better Living Through Bad Movies, you know that Red Dawn occupies a special place in our hearts, since it’s the only film to which we devoted an entire chapter. And I share its fans’ anxiety that this classic film, so beautifully evocative of its time and place, may be spoiled by efforts to crudely “update” the picture and make it more “relevant” for today’s audience by tossing in anachronisms such as MP3 players, visible bra straps, and Negroes. And really, what would be the point of even trying, since as Libertas reader Troy observes, modern kids are too stupid to appreciate the subtlety of a John Milius movie:
It’s not going to be too difficult to “re-educate” a youth populace that is constantly under the drone of iPod headphones, thinks MySpace is the OED, has a 9th grade reading level (a tad below our Founding documents, Federalist, Gettysburg Address, I Have a Dream, all the greats of Western lit. — not to mention a little book called the Bible), types with its thumbs deep thoughts like “BFF”; “K”; and “LOL”. Of course — they have been playing Call of Duty 4; Grand Theft Auto, et al. so they may have some skilz.DH — Manhattan is the exact wrong place to set it. Not even Snake Plissken wants to die to save Manhattan. We would just cordon it off and turn it into Gitmo North.Red Dawn is a redneck shining moment. Folks between the Appalachians and the Sierra Nevada (on balance) do the fighting and dying for this country. I love The Wolverines, but maybe they could change the high school mascot to The Crusaders.What are the odds that this Red Dawn will be a high school version of V for Vendetta? Remember Remember the 11th of September… as the day GW Bush took over.Or perhaps the Mexican invasion and the war for Aztlan?
I remember when I first tried to rent Red Dawn at Blockbuster, the clerk warned me that in order to really understand the movie I’d require a thorough grounding in the Western canon, with a particular emphasis on the major works of the Scottish Enlightenment, and the Federalist Papers, 16 through 31.
Plus, as another commenter reflects, today’s polluted cultural environment would only serve to exacerbate the film’s few tiny flaws:
There was a scene in Red Dawn – I can barely remember the movie because I was like 7 or 8 when I saw it on VHS – where a Russian soldier gets the drop on one of the wolverine kids. He has his gun trained on them and is about to kill them when he realizes that they’re just kids and his *humanity* boils over and spares the kid. (Do you guys recall that scene? Am I mistaken?)Well, if Red Dawn does get remade, trust me, you; the movie will have that scene as the heart of its message.“One person’s terrorist is another person’s freedom fighter” will be the sickening theme. Count me out.
Now that’s some white hot irony, fresh from the smelter. Or as Thers observes of Dirty (and this apparently goes for his readers as well):
Mr. Harry seems more than a little confused as to just who’s shouting “Wolverines!” or the local equivalent over there in Iraq nowadays.
But even though America clearly needs a lesson in the vital importance of defending while killing brown-skinned foreigners, the liberals in Hollywood won’t let it happen:
I think Troy’s on to something. Since “Red” now means exactly the opposite of what it used to, the evil Reds in the remake will be “Red Staters” striking out against freedom loving True Patriots whose dissent, devotion to “choice” and incontinent onanism are proof of their true claim to the title “American.”
I’m not sure this pitch is quite high concept enough, since an army of Midwesterners invading Manhattan, armed with tickets to “Xanadu” and reservations at the Times Square ESPN Zone — while horrifying — is something New Yorkers have come to face with the same fatalism that you see in Kansans following a tornado or a locust attack.
Posted by scott on Monday, May 19th, 2008 at 1:02 pm.
39 Responses to “Melanin Dawn”
As a member of the loathed iGeneration or whatever, I read the Gettysburg address in class in middle school. It’s often cited as a brilliant example of brevity and clear speaking; I just ran it through Flesch-Kincaid, and it scored around 6th grade (which sounds right to me). The Declaration of Independence is hardly opaque to a freshman with a dictionary.
For those keeping score at home:
Bush leaves office in Jan. 2009.
The average theatrical release film takes eighteen months to produce.
Wow. When I read that first chunk of text, I thought you were making it up. I mean, “an army of Iranian backed Islamo-Nazis”? That sounds like a hack political comedian trying ham-handedly to mimic the tone of the right-Blogosphere. Tragically, it’s all true. I can only assume that the comments are authentic as well (I’m NOT going back over there to check).
has a 9th grade reading level (a tad below our Founding documents, Federalist, Gettysburg Address, I Have a Dream, all the greats of Western lit. — not to mention a little book called the Bible)Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t an 8th-grade reading level been the base for newspapers for quite some time?
As a member of the loathed iGeneration or whatever, I read the Gettysburg address in class in middle school. It’s often cited as a brilliant example of brevity and clear speaking; I just ran it through Flesch-Kincaid, and it scored around 6th grade (which sounds right to me). The Declaration of Independence is hardly opaque to a freshman with a dictionary.
I also note the use of that rhetorical howitzer known as “making reference to mobile texting and MySpace.” Disparaging the literacy and intellectual prowess of younger generations is standard procedure, of course; I’m already experiencing my own peers bemoaning the ignorance of the latest crop of high school students. All I know is that some of the most mind-bogglingly idiotic (in mechanics and content) emails I’ve ever received came from over-40s.
The routine of condemning youth culture as vapid and superficial reminds me of Steve Allen reading rock lyrics — every Boomer should remember that their own classics were blasted as the brainless howling of oversexed thugs.
The routine of condemning youth culture as vapid and superficial reminds me of Steve Allen reading rock lyrics — every Boomer should remember that their own classics were blasted as the brainless howling of oversexed thugs.
How incredibly stupid do you have to be to think that Iran could invade and take over Manhatten? And could someone translate this from Gibberish to English for me:
What are the odds that this Red Dawn will be a high school version of V for Vendetta? Remember Remember the 11th of September… as the day GW Bush took over.
Or perhaps the Mexican invasion and the war for Aztlan?
Huh?
What are the odds that this Red Dawn will be a high school version of V for Vendetta? Remember Remember the 11th of September… as the day GW Bush took over.
Or perhaps the Mexican invasion and the war for Aztlan?
Huh?
All I know is that some of the most mind-bogglingly idiotic (in mechanics and content) emails I’ve ever received came from over-40s.
that’s because the white-out(TM) on the screen didn’t come through the modem
that’s because the white-out(TM) on the screen didn’t come through the modem
Wasn’t Red Dawn the one movie that Jack Abramoff produced? Had that been a success, perhaps he would have stayed in LA and out of DC.
Actually, Jack Abramoff produced (and wrote) the 1988 Dolph Lundgren vehicle Red Scorpion, which was sort of in the Red Dawn vein — a genre the Soviets decried as “warnography.” As an aside, the picture was shot in South Africa and it’s then-puppet state of Namibia, because somebody apparently had no objection ’bout playing Sun City.
Whenever I hear “Wolverine!” I think of The Big Nowhere by James Ellroy.
I have to agreed with the Whiskey Fire commenter who felt that the Manhattan thing was especially crass and vile. That human either has the long term memory or the moral sensitivity of a sea monkey. I dunno which, but I would keep him or her the fuck away from anything or anyone I cared about. Stupid, sick, or vicious asshole, you make the call.
There’s no reason it couldn’t be all three, D. Sidhe.
Manhattan is a suburb of Ohio these days. They’re about twenty years too late.
I always thought the mayor in red dawn was a republican. at least he acted like one.
It’s always sweet to see how quickly they share fantasies of liberals being burqa’d, beheaded, etc. I think they’d all be happy if we were occupied by hundreds of armored divisions (after being invaded by the pan-Arabic Navy, Air Force, etc.) just so they could finally take pleasure in being right about something for once. It would all be worth it just to scream, “See, I told you so!!!” one time.
Of course, given that we know these scum are constantly projecting, it’s also telling that those fantasies pop up so quickly. No doubt they’d rather stand in solidarity with their Brothers-in-Fundamentalism than fellow Americans who happen to be liberal.
Of course, given that we know these scum are constantly projecting, it’s also telling that those fantasies pop up so quickly. No doubt they’d rather stand in solidarity with their Brothers-in-Fundamentalism than fellow Americans who happen to be liberal.
having an army of Iranian backed Islamo-Nazis occupy a part of the United States
Which is about as likely as the Chimperor winning the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Which is about as likely as the Chimperor winning the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Combine Red Dawn with The Mouse That Roared (Eddie Izzard could handle the Peter Sellers characters); The Duchy of Grand Fenwick is back, and this time they are here to stay!
Incontinent Onanism or Death!
Incontin– meh, too many syllables to make a good chant.
Incontin– meh, too many syllables to make a good chant.
Yup – the proud tradition of the Michigan Militia lives on!
Never mind that these kiddies would have their asses handed to them in 30 minutes (or it’s free!) by any modern army division.
No surprise they missed out on who would represent whom in the Middle East version of this movie… They’re the same folks who howled when Battlestar Galactica showed the Good Guys fighting a terrorist war against an occupying army: THEN they “got it”.
Never mind that these kiddies would have their asses handed to them in 30 minutes (or it’s free!) by any modern army division.
No surprise they missed out on who would represent whom in the Middle East version of this movie… They’re the same folks who howled when Battlestar Galactica showed the Good Guys fighting a terrorist war against an occupying army: THEN they “got it”.
John Milius provided a very early WTF moment for me. Back in the 60s and 70s there were these little mini making of films that would run on TV if the Friday Night Movie didn’t run long enough. I think the production company was “Robbins Nest” or something like that. Anyway, I remember one of these featurettes about “The Wind & TheLion”. Burned into my brain is footage of John Milius tearing arond the dunes on a dirt-bike with a machine gun slung across his shoulder. It may have been the firt time I muttered “What an asshole” under my breath.
Then there’s the whole “they’re so evil that they’re like, GAY, and shit” vibe of Conanthe Barbarian, and well, Red Dawn…
Then there’s the whole “they’re so evil that they’re like, GAY, and shit” vibe of Conanthe Barbarian, and well, Red Dawn…
As with any remake we could spend days talking about how they will screw this up (and they will), but think about how great it could be – it won’t be great because that might help BushWait, these ‘tards are in film (or aspire to be), and they don’t know how long it takes to bring a film from story idea to release?
For those keeping score at home:
Bush leaves office in Jan. 2009.
The average theatrical release film takes eighteen months to produce.
Only if they can somehow get it to “average”, though. Go figure those Kirk Cameron Left Behind thingies take about ten days from writing to video sales. Heck, that’s three days longer than an episode of South Park.
Fourteen days, tops.
Fourteen days, tops.
How about “Blue Dawn” where Latte sipping environmentalist Liberals invade Red states and try to force the natives to drive electric cars?
That’d be Green Dawn, though. Blue Dawn might involve mandatory gay marriages, or would that be Pink Dawn? Wow, can you imagine the sheer number of nightmares these guys must have over nothing?
Or there’s the all-encompassing Rainbow Dawn.
Or Delta Dawn – a film that combines all the jingoism of Red Dawn with the psychotic machismo of Delta Force, told to the country stylings of Tanya Tucker’s first album.
I’d pay [other people] to watch that!
I’d pay [other people] to watch that!
Someone at AMC I think has a rather wry sense of humor. They have been running Red Dawn and Missing in Action films rather frequently. If you think about it, the first is about an insurgency against an invading and occupying foreign power; the second is about the brutality of being held in a prisoner of war camp indefinitely (all the while being tortured and made to “confess”). Just a thought.
The movie is a winger’s nocturnal gooey. I had a brief sense of ‘Hell, yeah!’ when I saw it for the first time but that lasted long enough to get me to the snack bar for some goobers and buttered popcorn.
Remake Red Dawn? Let’s all play that game!
First minor substitutions:
The British take the place of the Cubans.
The Wolverines are a soccer club.
The setting is Iraq, not Colorado.
Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen are Muslim.
And the Americans replace the Soviets.
Everything else in the movie plays out the same with these new labels.
Now the wingers can really wet the bed.
Remake Red Dawn? Let’s all play that game!
First minor substitutions:
The British take the place of the Cubans.
The Wolverines are a soccer club.
The setting is Iraq, not Colorado.
Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen are Muslim.
And the Americans replace the Soviets.
Everything else in the movie plays out the same with these new labels.
Now the wingers can really wet the bed.
Red Dawn should be required viewing for all Muqtada’s boys.
“Red Dawn should be required viewing for all Muqtada’s boys.
Left by Fade on May 23rd, 2008″
Why watch it when they already live it?
Left by Fade on May 23rd, 2008″
Why watch it when they already live it?
You know, I actually kinda liked it when I saw that movie so long ago. In the same way I like Tom Clancy and various other military/revenge thriller authors. It’s all Pornography for Pacifists, a guilty pleasure that keeps me off the streets at night. Just so long as it’s clearly labeled as fantasy, like the spate of Japanese novels where they win WWII. I wonder if any of those have been translated into English.
What the hell is incontinent onanism? Is that masturbating while suffering from diarrhea?
“Red Dawn should be required viewing for all Muqtada’s boys.
Left by Fade on May 23rd, 2008″
“Why watch it when they already live it?
Left by Jolly Sapper on May 23rd, 2008″
Red White And Blue Dawn
There’s a movie poster just begging for some Mad 1337 Photoshop Skillz.
Left by Fade on May 23rd, 2008″
“Why watch it when they already live it?
Left by Jolly Sapper on May 23rd, 2008″
Red White And Blue Dawn
There’s a movie poster just begging for some Mad 1337 Photoshop Skillz.
Hey, Mentis, Max Cannon named a ‘toon after you.
Okay, the world just got a whole lot stranger.
I’ve concluded that hard core wingnuts really hate us libruls ’cause we do what they wish they could. Something holds them back, some sort of fear of love and good times. A trip to Manhattan and then to San Fran will cure it, give them what they fear so much in spades!
Yes! Rainbow Dawn shall come to free them and we’ll all have love and happiness forever!
Oh, I’m tired.
Yes! Rainbow Dawn shall come to free them and we’ll all have love and happiness forever!
Oh, I’m tired.
What the hell is incontinent onanism? Is that masturbating while suffering from diarrhea?
Probably. Man, what is it about fascists and their sexual obsessions with doodoo?
Probably. Man, what is it about fascists and their sexual obsessions with doodoo?
Kate, that’s exactly why they fill the hotels of Las Vegas every weekend. That, and Californians looking for a place to smoke indoors.
[...] Which led to a comprehensive take over at World-O-Crap [...]
I like the idea of disconnecting from the internet. I don’t see how though. I tried opening up a new bank account and they sent me an email saying that my internet access was ready to go and now I’m paranoid that one of the employees is going to drain my account since I never set it up in the first place.
What to do?
What to do?
Red Dawn remake just dawned something on me. Consider the following:
-Original movie was a hit with the Michigan Militia movement.
-Michigan Militia units are named “Wolverine”
-New movie actors will have military training
-New movie shot in Detroit, Michigan
Let me guess who is waiting in line to be extras. Hell, count me in.
-Original movie was a hit with the Michigan Militia movement.
-Michigan Militia units are named “Wolverine”
-New movie actors will have military training
-New movie shot in Detroit, Michigan
Let me guess who is waiting in line to be extras. Hell, count me in.
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