Ah, The Idealism of Youth!

Ben Shapiro has learned what Macaulay Culkin found out some years ago: the world has little use for a child star who just isn’t young and cute anymore. 

Ben, the former wunderkind of the Reagan set, has fallen into his role as the far-right’s twenty-something bitter and dyspeptic coot without a lot of notice.  But he is now advising today’s college students on why they too should give up and accept John McCain as their destiny, so let’s give him a moment of our time.

Here’s Ben!  An Open Letter to College Students

We’ll skip the part about how Ben knows that today’s kids are only supporting Obama because their professors brainwashed them into it since they are obviously a bunch of twits who can’t think for themselves, and we’ll start with the REALLY patronizing material.

There are probably a lot of good-looking Obama students out there. And I’m sure that it’s tempting to go sign up to phone bank next to that student wearing the “I Heart Abortion Rights” T-shirt.But there is no reason in the world why you should vote for Barack Obama. 

Because that hottie would never give you the time of day, no matter how many womb humans you voted to kill.   Trust Ben, he knows about the bitter sting of rejection.

Behind the misty words about hope and change, there’s an agenda you will have to pay for. Yes, you. That is, when you get a job.

Because of course you don’t have one now, you freeloading whippersnapper!  Oh, wait, neither does Ben.

Here, then, are the top four reasons for you to vote McCain-Palin in November.

1. Health care. You’ve heard all the pretty phrases from Obama and Biden about how health care should be universal. And we all feel bad for the uninsured guy with a bad hip, emphysema and diabetes. But here’s the problem: He’s not you.

Wow, just wow.  That is pretty much the whole conservative position boiled down to one phrase: “Other people aren’t you, so screw them!”

You’re not going to be that guy for another fifty years. If Obama’s plan goes into action, however, you’re going to be paying for that guy, and a lot of guys just like him. Then when you’re old, you’ll pay for those same surgeries yourself. That’s ridiculous. Here’s a better solution: Let people pay for their own health care. That way you can get the cheap health care plan — you’re not going to need that pacemaker for a few decades — and save up for that Wii.

Yeah, let the old and sick just die, so YOU can buy a new video game system.  (I realize this sounds like parody, but unless Tina Fey hacked into Town Hall, this really is Ben’s work.)

2. Social Security. Democrats constantly talk about how Republicans are going to take away everyone’s Social Security and leave the elderly on the streets to eat cat food. There’s only one problem: Nobody’s Social Security actually exists.

The elderly are going to have to live on the streets and eat cat food anyway, so why should any of YOUR money be deducted to help them?

There is no giant Social Security fund where your parents’ taxes went — that money went to the crappy public school down the block. Your parents’ Social Security will be paid for by you.

And that is bogus, man!  After all, what did your parents ever do for you?

That is, unless you’re allowed to keep some of your own money and invest it. While the stock market looks risky and volatile today, over the course of decades it invariably rises. Always. In 1980, the stock market was 891. In 1990, it was 2,678. Today, it’s still well above 9,000. It’s far smarter to bet on your own stock market picks than on future taxes.

And remember, the purpose of government is to help YOU, so who cares what happens to other people, particularly old people who weren’t smart enough to be born into affluence?  After all. other people aren’t you, so you don’t need to be concerned about them in the slightest.  Just try not to get your shoes dirty as you step over their bodies in the streets.

3. Taxes. You’re just starting out in life. The last thing you need is the government taking all your hard-earned cash.

Yes, you’re young and full of life, and you need your money — you have that Wii system to buy.  So why should you pay taxes at all?  Let that old guy with diabetes and emphysema pay — he would just waste his money on oxygen tanks if he was allowed to keep any of it anyway. 

And Ben does bring up important point: if Obama becomes President, the government will take ALL of the hard-earned cash of those making less than $50,000 year, in order to give subsidies to the rich.  Keep that in mind on election day, young college student.  (There’s no need to verify this — you can trust Ben, because he’s young like you!)

Plus, you’re not going to be able to find a job in a market where small-business owners are getting smoked by Barack Obama’s fiscal irresponsibility.

Yes, if Obama is elected, you will not only have to give him all your money, you will never get a job, will have to take care of old people, and will never get that Wii you want.  You are doomed, DOOMED!

4. The War on Terror. You’ve heard all of the idiotic rumors about re-institution of a draft. Three words: Ain’t. Gonna. Happen. You’ve heard about how Obama will bring flowers and posies and rainbow ponies to Afghanistan as soon as we pull out of Iraq. Three words: Ain’t. Gonna. Happen. You may have thought that the war in Iraq wasn’t a good idea, probably because you were 15 and MTV was telling you that war is bad.

You are such an idiot, college student.  Man, I can’t believe I waste my time writing open letters to such a gullible stooge as you!

But whether you disagreed with the origins of the war or not, Islamist terrorists are now in Iraq. And if we don’t kill them there, they’ll take over that country and turn it into another terrorist state. If we keep surrendering countries to terrorists, then it won’t be long before we will have to institute a draft — because it won’t be long before someone hits L.A. with a suitcase nuke.

So, vote for McCain, so somebody else (someobdy who is not you) will have to spend 8 years in the Middle East fighting Islamist terrorists, while you stay home and play video games.  After all, Isn’t that the Republican way?

In conclusion, young college student, vote for self-interest, greed, and narcissism: vote for John McCain.

Posted by s.z. on October 10th, 2008