The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Pint Of Extra EXTRA Bitter, Please

Yep.  While many people interpreted the outbreaks of laughter, tears, dancing in the streets, and spontaneous renditions of the national anthem as signs of overwhelming relief at the end of a dark and sinister chapter in American history and joy at the dawning of a new era, Burt alone saw all this brouhaha for what it really was:  a wake.
It’s been a while now since the election took place, but it’s still not easy for me to come to grips with it. Strangely enough, I slept okay the night I learned that Barack Obama had defeated John McCain. It was only when I awoke and realized that Sen. Obama would soon be President Obama that the nightmare began.
“During the night, my brain went rogue, and made the connection between a guy winning the presidential election, and subsequently becoming president!  Damn you, braaaaaain!
I truly felt overcome with grief, the kind you feel when a loved one dies. In this case, the loved one was America.
In lieu of flowers, Burt requests that donations be made to the Prostate Organ Bank for Obnoxious Coots in Pasadena, California.   As founderCary Roberts said, “When you’re this big a dick, just one prostate won’t do!”
Liberals, after all, never admit their mistakes, never take responsibility for, say, destroying public education or taking an axe to the black family structure.
“Before liberals got involved, the black family stood strong and secure on the rock that was Jim Crow.  But then a bunch of bleeding hearts had to butt in and shove them off the rock while whining about voting rights!  Haven’t you people learned anything?  If you give money to a wino, he’ll just go buy booze with it.  If you guarantee voting rights for African-Americans, they’ll just go out and vote in a black guy for president!  There’s a word for that, liberals — it’s called enabling.”
But, then, liberals never take responsibility for anything. If they did, they’d be conservatives.
By the way, Burt?  You just got a bill for ten trillion dollars, should I sent it over to Accounts Payable?  Also, there’s 600,000 dead Iraqis waiting to see you in your office…
I know that a lot of Republicans are busy playing the blame game. Some, myself included, are pointing fingers at John McCain for running the lamest presidential campaign in memory. Others, not I, are pointing at Sarah Palin…
“Unfortunately, due to the restraining order, Rich Lowry and I are required to remain 50 yards outside pointing distance at all times.”
Looking back, I think the left-wing cancer took root in the 1960s and the funeral took place on November 4th. That’s why I’m having a really hard time putting up with people who are so darn jubilant about Obama’s victory. To me, it’s as if they’re dancing on America’s grave.
“You kids get off my grave!  Dang smoochers!”
I know that a lot of people will regard me as a racist for being so depressed over the election result. I am probably the least racist person in America.
Besides, it does no good to deny being a racist. Once you have to deny it, you’ve already been labeled. But I have to ask, if Hillary Clinton had been elected president and I had been upset about it, would I be branded a misogynist?
I can say, with great certitude, no.  We got there well before the primaries, Burt.
The fact is, I would have been less upset if she had been elected.
Because as another gentleman just about your age once told me, “black or white, they’re all pink inside.”
Now that American conservatives have become an endangered species, I’m wondering if Obama and his gang of compassionate liberals will give us the same consideration they give polar bears
Actually, I’m hoping they give you the same consideration Sarah Palingives polar bears.
[I]t often seems to me that it’s only conservatives who ever took to heart Martin Luther King’s fervent wish that we all learn to judge our fellow men by their character and not by the color of their skin.
Conservatives also believe that our fellow men are like the unlabeled, potentially treacherous chocolates in a Whitman’s Sampler, and that the only way to establish the content of their character is to bite into them and see if they’re filled with nougat or coconut.
Posted by scott on November 14th, 2008

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