Recently, fans of Pastor Swank have noticed a reduction in his once prodigious output of punditry. Some suspected that the pastor had vanished from his usual online haunts because he was now spending most of his time ministering to the large, if hallucinated flock who each Sunday fill his imaginary church. Others feared he had wandered naked into the desert and choked on a locust, while still others blamed the pastor’s diminished harvest on a successful, if long overdue, adjustment in his medications.
Unfortunately, the truth is far more sinister. For just as Sarah Palin’s enemies are trying to strip the governor of her First Amendment right to tell lies by pointing out when she’s lying, so-called “conservative” websites have been attempting to gag Pastor Swank. But the truth will out! If not through the mouth, then through some other orifice, but the important thing is, he was right, you were wrong, and now the humble clergyman invites you to Suck It.
When I first warned months ago that B. Hussein Obama is a mask Muslim, sites refused to post my columns, except for one particularly bold and courageous one.
That would be World O’Crap, which has a long and courageous history of passing on anything that leaps from the pastor’s febrile cranium.
I have continued to repeat the litany with multitudinous evidences. Various conservative sites have still refused to post those columns.
Not only have the housing market and most major financial institutions collapsed, but apparently the Crazy bubble has finally popped too. Remember when you could fire up your browser and find four, five, six new columns a day by Pastor Swank? We thought those days would never end…
Now it is quite the posh topic throughout the Internet to state that B. Hussein and wife are into the Muslim camp. Their profession of being “Christian” is a hoax. They are not that for they refute every Christ ethic in Scripture.
I know how Swank feels. It’s like when you discover a cool new band playing some local toilet, and you talk ‘em up to your friends, and go to all their shows, and buy the t-shirts and the CD with the ugly hand-drawn cover art, and then they hit it big with the one really pop song on the album — the one you really couldn’t stand — and you turn around and suddenly they’re on Letterman, and their hit song appears on a movie soundtrack, and some soft drink company uses it in a commercial, and now when you tell people how much you dug that rocking little band with the grit and soul and most of all, integrity, they look at you like you just pledged your love to Hannah Montana. Listen, Newbie Come Latelys, Swank was into calling the Obamas muslims when muslim-calling wasn’t cool. That was some edgy shit in those days!
They, for instance, enthusiastically support killing womb infants as well as sodomy recognized as “marriage,” though they double-talk on the latter.
Yeah, now people give a crap, with days to go before the election. But where were all these bandwagon-jumpers when Swank first warned about the Obamas’ plans to misuse their marriage bed by practicing a form of sodomy so powerful it would kill womb infants?!
Too many conservative sites, deriding political correctness, followed it to the letter.Now we have the Muslim youngun coming to the fore as the potential President of the most powerful nation on Earth. That is horrendous considering that we are still so near 9 / 11. How quickly fickle voters forget.
While we’re on the subject, I notice Obama is now “the youngun” instead of “The Boy,” so I guess not everyone is immune to political correctness, eh Pastor? Hmmm?
For the mob hysteriacs, they don’t read. They don’t heed. They could sweep this Republic enemy into office. If so, good-bye America, hello Arabs.
Wait…Pastor Swank is defecting to the Saudis?
Now with that last sentence in particular, you will note that various conservative sites refuse this column. In fact, you will not note that for this column will not come to your attention due to that very cowardly fact.
In fact, you’re not even reading this! And he’s not really a pastor! (since, as Doghouse Riley pointed out once, there doesn’t actually appear to be a “New Hope Church” in Windham, Maine, although the town does boast 65 registered sex offenders. Not that I’m suggesting a parallel. It’s just one of those statistics that kind of leap out from a page that’s otherwise concerned with civic boosterism.) Anyway, ask your doctor if Clozapine is right for you.
Nevertheless, I am a Christian. I believe the Bible to be divine revelation; therefore, I take its curses and blessings passages most seriously.The Bible states emphatically that God does not forsake his righteous remnant. Instead, He defends them. That means that if the ungodly get into office in the White House and Congress, God will defend His grace children while at the same time bring His wrath upon the disobedient.
Great. Not only do Catholic kids have to worry about God watching them while they masturbate, now they’ve got to try to negotiate a butterfly ballot while He’s peering over their shoulder in the voting booth!
President George W. Bush did two terrible acts in the last several years. First, he placed the Koran in the White House library with great aplomb. [...] That Koran should have never been placed in the White House. A curse has settled upon that domain.
Not only is this grim news for America, it’s also the plot of National Treasure 3.
Christians who are truly genuine Bible disciples have been betrayed by Bush who claimed to be “one of us.” In that betrayal he gave ground to paving the way for the mask Muslim B.. Hussein and entourage to enter the White House powers.
Not only that, but Bush also told B. Hussein that if you rocket jump through the trap door in the ceiling of the Vermeil Room, there’s a ledge on left side with Power Ups and extra Armor.
Posted by scott on Friday, October 31st, 2008 at 10:56 pm
28 Responses to “NOW You Come Crawling Back To The Swank!”
Others feared he had wandered naked into the desert and choked on a locust
Is that what you kids are calling it now?
Is that what you kids are calling it now?
I notice Obama is now “the youngun” instead of “The Boy,”
‘Youn-gun’ is in fact a Korean word, meaning either “a kind of hot chilli used in kimchi”, or (depending on where you place the stress) “any religious fraud with world-dictatorial ambitions who isn’t the Reverend Moon”.
You can Google it.
‘Youn-gun’ is in fact a Korean word, meaning either “a kind of hot chilli used in kimchi”, or (depending on where you place the stress) “any religious fraud with world-dictatorial ambitions who isn’t the Reverend Moon”.
You can Google it.
B. Hussein and wife are into the Muslim camp
Well who isn’t? Just the other night, my wife and I went to a Saudi Arabian night club to see a guy in a burqa sing show tunes. It was fabulous!
Well who isn’t? Just the other night, my wife and I went to a Saudi Arabian night club to see a guy in a burqa sing show tunes. It was fabulous!
Damnit, Plus, I had my eye on that line. Don’t be a Joe the Plumber, man. Share the wealth!
Some suspected that the pastor had vanished from his usual online haunts because he was now spending most of his time ministering to the large, if hallucinated flock who each Sunday fill his imaginary church.
I guess that’s where the zombies have disappeared to. Well, he should be safe enough. Zombies crave brains, after all.
Actually, I had just assumed he’d accidentally discovered masturbation and was now far too busy for the likes of us.
I guess that’s where the zombies have disappeared to. Well, he should be safe enough. Zombies crave brains, after all.
Actually, I had just assumed he’d accidentally discovered masturbation and was now far too busy for the likes of us.
In fact, you will not note that for this column will not come to your attention due to that very cowardly fact.
I’ve read this sentence ten times and still can’t figure out what it’s saying. My best guess is that it’s secret code to Swank’s white supremacist readers to begin the race war.
I’ve read this sentence ten times and still can’t figure out what it’s saying. My best guess is that it’s secret code to Swank’s white supremacist readers to begin the race war.
After reading it ten more times, I now get it. Jesus, Swank, use some fucking commas, preferably after “you will not note that.” Also, I realize logic isn’t your strong suit, but if I am reading your column, it has come to my attention.
I’ve just spent fifteen minutes deciphering a sentence in a Pastor Swank column. I really need a new hobby.
I’ve just spent fifteen minutes deciphering a sentence in a Pastor Swank column. I really need a new hobby.
I think that the good “pastor” has stated that the New Hope Church is a “house” church, meaning that he holds services in his bathroom or something. Also, I think I recall him once writing that his congregation consisted of his wife, his mother-in-law, and a couple of of other like-minded individuals who had escaped from the state hospital. (I think this background data was included in the column that detailed his heroic fight against demons, or the one about how he was planning on abandoning his wife to be murdered by his son and taking the next bus out of town, but I could be mixing things up.)
If Swank can prove that Muslims SUPPORT abortion and gay rights…
Oh, WHY do I keep thinking like that? Why do I keep reacting to his brain-drained scribblings as if he was capable of forming a reasoned opinion?
I have mixed feelings about this guy:
On the one hand, he’s obviously mentally ill and none of the crap he writes is the result of anything but deluded thinking and WAY too much time on his hands.
On the other hand, the shit he writes is so offensive and stupid I wanna drop an anvil on his head and pound him into the ground like he’s Wile E. Coyote.
It’s kinda like if you had a neighbor suffering from some form of Tourettes that caused him to shout racial epithets at odd intervals. You know he doesn’t have enough self-control to stop himself, but you still wanna smack him.
Oh, WHY do I keep thinking like that? Why do I keep reacting to his brain-drained scribblings as if he was capable of forming a reasoned opinion?
I have mixed feelings about this guy:
On the one hand, he’s obviously mentally ill and none of the crap he writes is the result of anything but deluded thinking and WAY too much time on his hands.
On the other hand, the shit he writes is so offensive and stupid I wanna drop an anvil on his head and pound him into the ground like he’s Wile E. Coyote.
It’s kinda like if you had a neighbor suffering from some form of Tourettes that caused him to shout racial epithets at odd intervals. You know he doesn’t have enough self-control to stop himself, but you still wanna smack him.
D. Sidhe: how does one “accidentally” discover masturbation?
(Wait, do I REALLY wanna know?)
(Wait, do I REALLY wanna know?)
Note to Pastor Swank:
Muslim does not equal Arab.
Arab does not equal Muslim.
Judge not, lest ye be judged.
Lay off the ‘shrooms.
Muslim does not equal Arab.
Arab does not equal Muslim.
Judge not, lest ye be judged.
Lay off the ‘shrooms.
Ah, house church. I was raised in one of those unadorned Protestant denominations, so this high-falutin’ ecumenical language is lost on me a lot of the time.
Remarkable story, at least what you can piece together of it out of the gibberish. Ol’ Glamor Shots turns out to be something of a native communist (wedding party shouldn’t be charged more for hall rental than they can afford; he confuses a parsonage with his own property; an unlocked door is an open invitation for entry). His aptitude for church politics was roughly equal to his grasp of the politics of US America. He was booted out of the ministry ten years ago. I guess I’ve been misreading his c.v. all this time, even though it seemed like the one thing he wrote semi-cogently.
Recommended reading, especially for the miraculous and heartwarming story of how God led him to a three-room cabin with precisely the same floorplan as the one he’d trespassed in just months before. Or if you happen to be an IRS agent curious about how he’s claimed that house his wife inherited as tax-exempt religious property for the last few years.
Remarkable story, at least what you can piece together of it out of the gibberish. Ol’ Glamor Shots turns out to be something of a native communist (wedding party shouldn’t be charged more for hall rental than they can afford; he confuses a parsonage with his own property; an unlocked door is an open invitation for entry). His aptitude for church politics was roughly equal to his grasp of the politics of US America. He was booted out of the ministry ten years ago. I guess I’ve been misreading his c.v. all this time, even though it seemed like the one thing he wrote semi-cogently.
Recommended reading, especially for the miraculous and heartwarming story of how God led him to a three-room cabin with precisely the same floorplan as the one he’d trespassed in just months before. Or if you happen to be an IRS agent curious about how he’s claimed that house his wife inherited as tax-exempt religious property for the last few years.
Tax exempt religious property, eh? Considering his blatantly political preaching from this property, I’d say a visit from the IRS can’t come soon enough for my taste. Well, the IRS or Protective Services, whichever is in most demand.
Pastor wank waxes lyrical: …paving the way for the mask Muslim B. Hussein and entourage to enter the White House powers.
As a member of the assembled and adoring townsfolk turns to offer his thanks, he is surprised to find that the mysterious benefactor has disappeared.
“Who was that Masked Muslim?” he wonders aloud.
“Hi-yo Tinfoil!” is heard in the distance.
ahem.
As a member of the assembled and adoring townsfolk turns to offer his thanks, he is surprised to find that the mysterious benefactor has disappeared.
“Who was that Masked Muslim?” he wonders aloud.
“Hi-yo Tinfoil!” is heard in the distance.
ahem.
Happy Birthday, C.V.!
A couple things…
“In fact, you will not note that for this column will not come to your attention due to that very cowardly fact.”
Positively Criswellian! Lovely!
And the other thing…
“Now with that last sentence in particular, you will note that various conservative sites refuse this column. ”
I think we are witnessing the pastor’s “Fools! they laughed at me at the Academy” Moment. Sweet!
“In fact, you will not note that for this column will not come to your attention due to that very cowardly fact.”
Positively Criswellian! Lovely!
And the other thing…
“Now with that last sentence in particular, you will note that various conservative sites refuse this column. ”
I think we are witnessing the pastor’s “Fools! they laughed at me at the Academy” Moment. Sweet!
Swank first warned about the Obamas’ plans to misuse their marriage bed by practicing a form of sodomy so powerful it would kill womb infants?!
I’d say this post peaked right about there.
I’d say this post peaked right about there.
Slywy, if he had TRIED the shrooms, he MIGHT be capable of concocting a LOGICAL STATEMENT by now.
Trust me, with an ass clenched THAT tight, that stupid fucker’s never tried any drugs except for the psychotropics that he doesn’t take like he should, and of course, cheap Scotch.
Scott, I dunno how you & Sheri deal with this mouth-breathing, copiously-drooling, inbred, knuckle-dragging, beady-eyed, punkin’-headed, illiterate woman-hating fucktard on a semi-regular basis. Y’all should both be awarded the online Purple Heart or something.
Trust me, with an ass clenched THAT tight, that stupid fucker’s never tried any drugs except for the psychotropics that he doesn’t take like he should, and of course, cheap Scotch.
Scott, I dunno how you & Sheri deal with this mouth-breathing, copiously-drooling, inbred, knuckle-dragging, beady-eyed, punkin’-headed, illiterate woman-hating fucktard on a semi-regular basis. Y’all should both be awarded the online Purple Heart or something.
My evidences. They are multitudinous.
The Bible states emphatically that God does not forsake his righteous remnant.
This is very true. But does the Pastor know what the Bible emphatically states about the forsaken vast majority?
Elohim Akbar!
This is very true. But does the Pastor know what the Bible emphatically states about the forsaken vast majority?
Elohim Akbar!
God does not forsake his righteous remnant.
This is about Jesus’ foreskin, right?
This is about Jesus’ foreskin, right?
No, remant is what you use to make cheese. God loves cheese.
“Blessed are the cheesemakers?”
Oh, I never answered Bill’s question. Naked vacuuming, or leaning against a washing machine during the spin cycle, or you know, loofas in the shower. That sort of thing. Seemed kind of obvious to me, but what do I know.
“They, for instance, enthusiastically support killing womb infants as well as sodomy recognized as “marriage,” though they double-talk on the latter.”
It all makes sense now. You see, Muslims don’t like these things either. Which is how we know he’s a mask Muslim. He’s a tricksy one, B. Hussein, but he can’t fool Pastor Swank.
It all makes sense now. You see, Muslims don’t like these things either. Which is how we know he’s a mask Muslim. He’s a tricksy one, B. Hussein, but he can’t fool Pastor Swank.
That article Doghouse Riley links to is great. I particularly love this line, which needs no comment:
“Today I still walk around this cottage by Lake Sebago where we live. I call it a house with seven rooms, but four of them are invisible. “
“Today I still walk around this cottage by Lake Sebago where we live. I call it a house with seven rooms, but four of them are invisible. “
Somehow I can’t picture Swank doing ANY of those things. (It’s not the “naked” part I find unbelievable-it’s the “cleaning” part.)
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