The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Hey, I Think She Just Winked Emailed Me!

Like most men in America who are enrolled in frequent flyer programs, I sat up a little straighter in my chair this morning when I turned on my computer and found a message from Alaska governor Sarah Palin:
palinalaska1.jpg
Imagine the thrill that ran up my leg when I realized that she wanted to help me — little old me, Scott the Blogger — to plan my next vacation to Real America.  And naturally, as a red-blooded American male, I immediately clicked on the governor’s link; because while I’m noTodd Palin, I’m still man enough that I refuse to take Rich Lowry’s sloppy seconds.
palintravelalaska1.jpg
As if her alluring smile, and a chance to breathe the same air as the GOP’s 2012 front runner weren’t enough, the governor thoughtfully ticked off some of her state’s unique attractions:
As Governor of Alaska, I am pleased to welcome you to the Alaska Travel Industry Association’s website. Alaska is different from every other destination in the world.
To start with, every other destination in the world outside of Alaska is a different place.  So that’s one difference right there.
Every day offers an unforgettable memory: a mother moose and calf…
Custom made for mother/daughter hunting trips.  You shoot the cow, while your little girl shoots the calf (the calf, much being smaller, can be felled with a lighter caliber, even a .22, if you pump enough into it.  It’s the same basic theory behind the Child’s Menu at Denny’s).
glaciers and mountains…
The mountains just kind of sit there, but the glaciers have real Shrinky Dink™ Action!
unique Native cultures…
Come enjoy our colorful heathens before they’re dragged by demons down into the slavering maw of Hell.
our Russian legacy…
…basically a guy in Skagway named Feodor who makes nesting dolls.  But if you take home a set of his beautifully hand-painted matroyshkas, you’ll not only have a lovely keepsake, you’ll also enjoy the sort of foreign policy cred that experience just can’t buy.
…and Gold Rush days.
Relive the heady days of the Klondike, when Sourdoughs spent their gold dust on crazed shopping sprees at the most exclusive and upscale general stores, before returning to their mining camps in designer parkas, veal-skin gloves, handcrafted Italian hipwaders, and boxer shorts made from the finest beaver pelt.
Even lifelong Alaskans are amazed!
And we nearly re-elected a felon who was convicted on seven counts of bribery, so you can imagine how hard it is to get us to react to any stimuli at all!
And we have a wide range of accommodations and dining to suit every budget.
Although our state travel guidelines recommend that you spend like you’re rich, but act like you’re lower middle class, that way you won’t smack of elitism.
Enjoy your online visit to Alaska, and I hope you’ll come to visit the “Great Land” soon.
Come pal around with the right kind of folks, folks who see this great country the way you and I do!*
*Please check Official Rules for eligibility.  The following are prohibited from participating in this promotion:  Employees of Alaska Airlines or their relatives, domestic terrorists, witches, librarians, or turkeys.  Offer void in UnAmerica.

Posted by scott on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 6:52 pm.

17 Responses to “Hey, I Think She Just Winked Emailed Me!”

I lived in Fairbanks for a year in the 80s. Besides the cold, I mainly remember that I was never able to find a cup of coffee stronger than weak tea — my guess is that this was a tradition rooted in having to stretch your coffee stocks for months on end. People came to expect and prefer pishy coffee. Maybe they have Starbucks now.
…but the 24-hour daylight was way cool. Downtown at midnight was like Twilight Zone armageddon, with newspapers blowing down empty streets.
“Every day offers an unforgettable memory: a mother moose and calf…
waiting to be gunned down in their familial tracks.
“The mountains just kind of sit there, but the glaciers have real Shrinky Dink™ Action!”
In a purely intellectual and platonic fashion, Scott, I absofuckinglutely love you.
And Dean, I’ll see your 24-hour daylight “Twilight Zone armageddon, with newspapers blowing down empty streets.” and raise you walking solo through the French Quarter and/or Irish Channel @ approx. 3A on Xmas Eve or National NDN Genocide Celebration Food Orgy Day. Not a soul to be found, all doors locked-up tight, not even a cricket or a flying cockaroach in the air, crisp and only a tinge of humidity. Nothing but the sound of my ass-kicking boots (a girl’s gotta be prepared!) ricocheting off of 350-year-old buildings and cobbled streets, the occasional strains of a fiddle or a guitar, sleigh bells over on Decatur as the first mule drivers head toward Mid-City to rig-up their jennies, the flapping of the awnings of Cafe’ Du Monde, on those very rare closed nights. *sigh* Yes, the bitch is still homesick. I wish that I’d spent more of those working holidays with my Nannie (always worked ON PURPOSE to avoid the “familial” {ha!} clusterfucks of Teh Others), but I’ll never forget those walks, even just down to the end of the streetcar line on St. Charles, back when I could still walk like that. To be young again… *sigh*
Speaking of which, who wants to lay odds that Caribou Barbie will have at LEAST one face and/or eye lift before the next lunge towards a national political race? (I almost just typed “a national race,” but we already KNOW what Sarah & Todd want to BE “the national race,” with or without Alaskan sovereignty, don’t we…)
“…so you can imagine how hard it is to get us to react to any stimuli at all!”
Is it the odd solar schedule, the isolation(ism), the pseudo-”outlaw” mentality, or cabin fever, that tends to make ‘em all crazier than road lizards? Yes, I’ve met nice, semi-normal people from Alaska, I’ve also corresponded with a redheaded guy who meant well, but made ME look — gack-cough-gag-retch! — “normal.” He was cute, but he needed some exposure to wimmenfolk, and SOON.
“Although our state travel guidelines recommend that you spend like you’re rich, but act like you’re lower middle class, that way you won’t smack of elitism.”
So, just what are the crime stats on car-jackings and tourist-muggings by sluggish big white dudes in flannel? Not that I’d encourage crime by any means (although tourists are worth more points & booty, they don’t really count as “people,” in most cases!), but I bet that it’d make a hilarious DVD series.
Now, when it comes to the *Official Rules, would I be banned on the basis of “domestic terrorist” or “witch” status, seeing as how I’m a retired part-time santeria and a flaming atheist who wants to buy 200 acres of Wyoming so that I can hunt Caribou Barbie & Dick Cheney for sport? I tried to become a librarian here in West Redneckistan, but I didn’t have the blue-blood or nouveau-riche-white-trash cred, despite the college degree. It’s better to be an uneducated hausfrau than to have any research/literary experience whatsofuckingever.
Can’t wait to see how long it takes the NSA to visit M.O.B.(which nobody here ever does, I might add… *sigh*) after I hit “submit,” their favorite position…
You know, one tragedy of the whole Palin debacle is that Alaska used to be one of the places I really wanted to go see in my lifetime. But that is now poisoned by this vapid, arrogant ignoramus. Sigh.
Oh, and wandering the streets of St. Petersburg (yes, the Russian one), one June, up and down narrow streets past bizarrely technicolor houses and over canals in the hours between midnight and 3 in the pale, silvery luminescence of the White Nights. Plus I was falling in love. Unforgettable.
UnAmerica
Perfect. Much better than “not real America.” Although “Anti-AmeriKKKa” has its appeal too.
“But if you take home a set of his beautifully hand-painted matroyshkas…”
“Matryoshki”, please.
Does my tour include a date with my personal shopper at Neiman Marcus?
Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin. We need you so. Your huge contribution to crap culture will never be forgotten.
She will just not go…
Hey, infest my vacation!
I’m broke anyway.
You know, one tragedy of the whole Palin debacle is that Alaska used to be one of the places I really wanted to go see in my lifetime
Go anyway. Alaska is gorgeous, especially in the summer and the dead of winter (although damned dark from November through January). Palin is not the only asshole from that state, but the beauty of the landscape makes up for all of them.
Your huge contribution to crap culture will never be forgotten.
Y’know, the one item of possible interest about Sarah Palin is whether she really is so oblivious as to imagine the Executive branch as a sort of international brand name, like Coke™ or Yum!™ or Pornography, or whether she’s really so venal as to imagine it, but so oblivious that it’s hard to tell the difference.
I mean, on the one hand the Presidency in her adult lifetime has been inhabited by two Bushes and one Reagan, and only one brainy politician, whom her party successfully dismissed as a grifting horndog. Small wonder if she’d have a low opinion of the office, or imagine one could sleep through it. Then again, she’s like the spitting image of Tammy Faye Bakker filtered through Marilyn Quayle, and her first act upon reaching the national stage was to blow 150 large of someone else’s money on clothes, and her second was to lie about her past. So I have to go with cupidity beats stupidity, by a nose.
Well, to be honest, Bill WAS a horndog. Don’t know about the grifting though.
I should point out (just because I’m tediously pedantic) that 49ers refers to the prospectors of the California Gold Rush of 1849, not the Alaskan Gold Rush of 1899.
Thanks!
I should point out (just because I’m tediously pedantic) that 49ers refers to the prospectors of the California Gold Rush of 1849, not the Alaskan Gold Rush of 1899.
Oops, you’re right. The 49er reference was, I suspect, an artifact of a California public school education (there’s only one Gold Rush, as far as we’re concerned). Thanks for the catch.
Well, to be honest, Bill WAS a horndog. Don’t know about the grifting though.
Oh, I dunno…I think there’s certainly an element of “take the rubes” in his style of dealings. I could see him running a long con.
“Even lifelong Alaskans are amazed!”
From what I’ve read they are pretty damned amazed that someone like Palin has taken the lead office in their state.
Also, she failed to mention that any women going to Alaska may wish to be forwarned: it has one of the highest rape and domestic violence records of all the states and lowest available services for victims.
Not to mention that one had better pack an extra $1500 just in case she runs afoul of a native Alaskan who misinterprets Palin’s mantra of “drill baby drill!” Those rape kit bills are pretty high I hear.
Just a thought for the holiday; I wonder if that turkey that was butchered in the background of her latest interview will be on her table tomorrow. Its pretty original if you ask me, “I’ll pardon this one, now let me have that one please and lets share this experience with all the local folks!”
So down-homey she is.
JP wins. Rat-bastard, going to Russia without me… *sigh*
And preach on, Sister Kate!!! That rape-kit thing is WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH reason for me to gas-up the Uterine-Repo TowTruck and Head North!!!
I’m sure that the entire universe will thank me for rendering her un-breedable, once it’s done, but it’ll probably require an extra-sharp rusty tow hook and some extra torque.

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