Like most men in America who are enrolled in frequent flyer programs, I sat up a little straighter in my chair this morning when I turned on my computer and found a message from Alaska governor Sarah Palin:
Imagine the thrill that ran up my leg when I realized that she wanted to help me — little old me, Scott the Blogger — to plan my next vacation to Real America. And naturally, as a red-blooded American male, I immediately clicked on the governor’s link; because while I’m noTodd Palin, I’m still man enough that I refuse to take Rich Lowry’s sloppy seconds.
As if her alluring smile, and a chance to breathe the same air as the GOP’s 2012 front runner weren’t enough, the governor thoughtfully ticked off some of her state’s unique attractions:
As Governor of Alaska, I am pleased to welcome you to the Alaska Travel Industry Association’s website. Alaska is different from every other destination in the world.
To start with, every other destination in the world outside of Alaska is a different place. So that’s one difference right there.
Every day offers an unforgettable memory: a mother moose and calf…
Custom made for mother/daughter hunting trips. You shoot the cow, while your little girl shoots the calf (the calf, much being smaller, can be felled with a lighter caliber, even a .22, if you pump enough into it. It’s the same basic theory behind the Child’s Menu at Denny’s).
glaciers and mountains…
The mountains just kind of sit there, but the glaciers have real Shrinky Dink™ Action!
unique Native cultures…
Come enjoy our colorful heathens before they’re dragged by demons down into the slavering maw of Hell.
our Russian legacy…
…basically a guy in Skagway named Feodor who makes nesting dolls. But if you take home a set of his beautifully hand-painted matroyshkas, you’ll not only have a lovely keepsake, you’ll also enjoy the sort of foreign policy cred that experience just can’t buy.
…and Gold Rush days.
Relive the heady days of the Klondike, when Sourdoughs spent their gold dust on crazed shopping sprees at the most exclusive and upscale general stores, before returning to their mining camps in designer parkas, veal-skin gloves, handcrafted Italian hipwaders, and boxer shorts made from the finest beaver pelt.
Even lifelong Alaskans are amazed!
And we nearly re-elected a felon who was convicted on seven counts of bribery, so you can imagine how hard it is to get us to react to any stimuli at all!
And we have a wide range of accommodations and dining to suit every budget.
Although our state travel guidelines recommend that you spend like you’re rich, but act like you’re lower middle class, that way you won’t smack of elitism.
Enjoy your online visit to Alaska, and I hope you’ll come to visit the “Great Land” soon.
Come pal around with the right kind of folks, folks who see this great country the way you and I do!*
*Please check Official Rules for eligibility. The following are prohibited from participating in this promotion: Employees of Alaska Airlines or their relatives, domestic terrorists, witches, librarians, or turkeys. Offer void in UnAmerica.
Posted by scott on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 6:52 pm.