In his LA Times column today, Jonah Goldberg objects to the decision by Senate Republicans to brew up a pot of tanna leaf tea and resurrect Trent Lott. Not because Lott implicitly endorsed the pro-segregation platform of Strom Thurmond’s Dixiecrat party, or because he has well-documented ties to white supremacist organizations. No, it’s because of…um…
Hm. Actually, I’m not sure what Jonah’s gripe is, because he spends the majority of his column absolving Lott of racism. I think it’s maybe the Senator’s demonstrated willingness to at least consider compromising with the opposition (a trait which also did not endear Lott to the White House), or possibly it’s his hair. In other words, it’s a typical Goldbergian meringue, in which Chef Jonah takes his gleaming whisk of words and attempts to beat a bowlful of eggs, poker chips, brake fluid, and aquarium gravel into stiff peaks.
So why even bring it up? Only because it contains the single greatest sentence to appear in the English language ever! I’m not given to hyperbole, but you could take an infinite number of monkeys filled with an infinite amount of mescaline and sit them down at an infinite number of word processors, and never produce a non sequitur as jarring as this:
Anyway, sorry about exposing you to that. But since I can never hope to ever get that sentence out of my mind, I’m afraid I have no recourse but to spread it around until it becomes a pandemic, at which point sufficient resources may be allocated to find a cure.
Immediately followed by “OMFG, NSFW! NSFW!”
Hm. Actually, I’m not sure what Jonah’s gripe is, because he spends the majority of his column absolving Lott of racism. I think it’s maybe the Senator’s demonstrated willingness to at least consider compromising with the opposition (a trait which also did not endear Lott to the White House), or possibly it’s his hair. In other words, it’s a typical Goldbergian meringue, in which Chef Jonah takes his gleaming whisk of words and attempts to beat a bowlful of eggs, poker chips, brake fluid, and aquarium gravel into stiff peaks.
So why even bring it up? Only because it contains the single greatest sentence to appear in the English language ever! I’m not given to hyperbole, but you could take an infinite number of monkeys filled with an infinite amount of mescaline and sit them down at an infinite number of word processors, and never produce a non sequitur as jarring as this:
Nobody disputes that Lott could be a great minority whip. He was elected precisely because he has the skills a minority whip needs: an intimate knowledge of the institution, and the ability to shake down colleagues for votes. Lott is detail oriented, collegial with an Old World gentility — as well as a certain sexual confidence befitting a former cheerleader at Ole Miss.Emphasis mine. Dementia Jonah’s. And although I freely admit that when I was in school, I wanted to sleep with the cheerleaders, it was largely because — amongst the entire student body — they bore the least resemblance to Trent Lott!
Anyway, sorry about exposing you to that. But since I can never hope to ever get that sentence out of my mind, I’m afraid I have no recourse but to spread it around until it becomes a pandemic, at which point sufficient resources may be allocated to find a cure.
29 Responses to “Mad’s Look on the Lighter Side of WTF??”
as well as a certain sexual confidence befitting a former cheerleader at Ole Miss.
Maybe this is some kind of wingnut code, like Ben Domenech’s Red Dawn reference.
Maybe this is some kind of wingnut code, like Ben Domenech’s Red Dawn reference.
Oh…my…sweet lordy gordy. That’s just…maybe he just has Lott confused with somebody else? Or he got confused about what a “minority whip” was, and thought it involved leather?
Great, see what you made do-I’m trying to think like Jonah. Nobody should ever have to do that. Thanks a lot, Scott.
Great, see what you made do-I’m trying to think like Jonah. Nobody should ever have to do that. Thanks a lot, Scott.
as well as a certain sexual confidence befitting a former cheerleader at Ole Miss.
***
But, if it’s phrased as a question, it makes a wonderful koan.
***
But, if it’s phrased as a question, it makes a wonderful koan.
Hey, George W was a cheerleader, and therefore in Republicanland, it must be a sexy, confident, virile, manly thing to be, reality be damned.
My high school had a male cheerleader for one game, at which he was laughed off the field and never seen again. I think this new hagiography may be a tough sell for the wingnutters.
My high school had a male cheerleader for one game, at which he was laughed off the field and never seen again. I think this new hagiography may be a tough sell for the wingnutters.
1. What is Goldberg’s point in this column?
a) Trent Lott may or may not be racist
b) Being a male cheerleader builds sexual confidence
c) No one knows what a minority whip does, unless Trent Lott happens to be one
d) Jonah had no point, but had to write something to fill up a 300 word column
a) Trent Lott may or may not be racist
b) Being a male cheerleader builds sexual confidence
c) No one knows what a minority whip does, unless Trent Lott happens to be one
d) Jonah had no point, but had to write something to fill up a 300 word column
I find it delightful that this unrepentant racist will soon have the title “Minority Whip” attached to his name in every article mentioning him.
The “R” in Republican is for “Reliably Racist.” Thank Yahweh the R’s put the Klansman over Lamar Alexander by one vote for “whipper of the minority.” Keeps reminding us all of their inbred confederate, slave-holding, lynching heritage. And that they’re PROUD OF IT.
South’s gonna go it agin’.
Lose then Surrender at Appomattox Court House.
South’s gonna go it agin’.
Lose then Surrender at Appomattox Court House.
Shorter Pantload: it’s fine for the GOP to keep Lott around, but he shouldn’t be seen in public.
WHAT.
No, seriously. WHAT.
No, seriously. WHAT.
You know, the next time Jonah has a looming deadline and nothing of any interest to say, even by his standards, he should just go with the “And what is the deal with these flight attendants” thing.
The sad thing is, it’s almost possible he was making yet another of his deeply lame jokes. Can we get him a student loan for Clown College? It might help. Can’t hurt.
The sad thing is, it’s almost possible he was making yet another of his deeply lame jokes. Can we get him a student loan for Clown College? It might help. Can’t hurt.
Don’t insult clowns, D. Sidhe. My mom actually took a college course to become a clown, and got work entertaining a kids’ parties. (She had a regular day job at a grocery store. It paid for the course, and she’d dress up for store events.)My dad (and the rest of us) joked about it, but she actually did make good money from it, and as long as she was enjoying it, we didn’t really mind, although there were a couple times she picked me up from work in costume. She’s in her 70′s now and no longer does it-I think when she retired from her regular job and moved to Florida, she retired from clowning as well.
Jonah would never make it as a clown. My mom is a naturally friendly, social person, and in or out of costume,an approachable one. Jonah seems socially retarded-he’d probably creep out small children. He does it to adults WITHOUT a clown nose.
Jonah would never make it as a clown. My mom is a naturally friendly, social person, and in or out of costume,an approachable one. Jonah seems socially retarded-he’d probably creep out small children. He does it to adults WITHOUT a clown nose.
You know, the whole Foley/Haggard deal is starting to look less like an aberration and more like business as usual for today’s GOP all the time.
Somebody might want to let Jonah know he isn’t helping things any by writing odes on how sexy male cheerleaders are.
Somebody might want to let Jonah know he isn’t helping things any by writing odes on how sexy male cheerleaders are.
Actually, it was an attempt at a Simpsons joke, knowing how much Jonah digs that sort of thing. I have to say, there are moments when I’m almost fond of hapless, helpless Jonah. And then I remember, for example, how he felt that poor Katrina victims didn’t really, like, suffer too bad or anything, cause, it’s not like they really had a lot of *good* stuff that got ruined, right? And then I loathe him again.
Lott is detail oriented, collegial with an Old World gentility — as well as a certain sexual confidence befitting a former cheerleader at Ole MissWhy do the words “photoshop opportunity” suddenly leap to mind?
Immediately followed by “OMFG, NSFW! NSFW!”
This is the funniest goddam blog in the world – flat out!
“Lott is detail oriented, collegial with an Old World gentility — as well as a certain sexual confidence befitting a former cheerleader at Ole Miss.”
Jeezus Christ, Jonah. The construction should be “and has,” not “as well as.” It reads as though you were on one train of “thought” and then you drifted away and visualized Trent Lott in his cheerleader outfit.
Well, if you have problems like that again, just remember:
Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?
Hooking up words and phrases and clauses.
Conjunction Junction, how’s that function?
I got three favorite cars
That get most of my job done.
Conjunction Junction, what’s their function?
I got “and”, “but”, and “or”,
They’ll get you pretty far.
“And”:
That’s an additive, like “this and that”.
If I were Jonah, I would keep away from Pastor Swank.
Has Jonah been taking grammar lessons from the Pastor Swank.
Jeezus Christ, Jonah. The construction should be “and has,” not “as well as.” It reads as though you were on one train of “thought” and then you drifted away and visualized Trent Lott in his cheerleader outfit.
Well, if you have problems like that again, just remember:
Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?
Hooking up words and phrases and clauses.
Conjunction Junction, how’s that function?
I got three favorite cars
That get most of my job done.
Conjunction Junction, what’s their function?
I got “and”, “but”, and “or”,
They’ll get you pretty far.
“And”:
That’s an additive, like “this and that”.
If I were Jonah, I would keep away from Pastor Swank.
Has Jonah been taking grammar lessons from the Pastor Swank.
My high school had a male cheerleader for one game, at which he was laughed off the field and never seen again. I think this new hagiography may be a tough sell for the wingnutters.
My high school had one guy who really, really wanted to be a male cheerleader, but he was also the star soccer player so they made him be that guy on the football team who kicks the ball.
I’m not sure if that was really because they always made the best soccer player kick the football, or if they were trying to keep him from gaying up the rest of the athletic program. I guess we won’t know until a boy with no athletic talent attempts to joing the fall cheerleading squad. On the other hand, it’s a good way to spend a lot of time with a group of girls pre-selected for vapidity and hotness. What guy wouldn’t want to give that a shot?
My high school had one guy who really, really wanted to be a male cheerleader, but he was also the star soccer player so they made him be that guy on the football team who kicks the ball.
I’m not sure if that was really because they always made the best soccer player kick the football, or if they were trying to keep him from gaying up the rest of the athletic program. I guess we won’t know until a boy with no athletic talent attempts to joing the fall cheerleading squad. On the other hand, it’s a good way to spend a lot of time with a group of girls pre-selected for vapidity and hotness. What guy wouldn’t want to give that a shot?
tomg, “Keep away from Pastor Swank” is good advice for ANYONE, not just Jonah Who Swallowed The Whale.
What is it with Fudgie the Whale and male cheerleaders?
I didn’t think it was possible for Jonah to write anything stupider than the ‘Bush should dress up in a loincloth and kill and skin a bear with a knife’ column.
I was wrong. I say he’s now a shoo-in for the Conservative Welfare Queen title this year.
I was wrong. I say he’s now a shoo-in for the Conservative Welfare Queen title this year.
Never underestimate how stupid Jonah can get, Gentlewoman.
“an Old World gentility”
– ???
This guy needs to spend more time talking with Germans, or French persons. That would soon cure him of putting ‘Old World’ and ‘gentility’ into the same sentence.
– ???
This guy needs to spend more time talking with Germans, or French persons. That would soon cure him of putting ‘Old World’ and ‘gentility’ into the same sentence.
I just… Oh my! I had this…
Trent Lott and GWB! and male-cheerleading!
So I just mentally took off and there was a frantic slap-scratching fight, and sexual confidence and even testoserone had nothing to do with it.
And I was just over at SadlyNo lecturing everyone about sexual prejudices. Here’s the hair-brush; somebody spank me!
Trent Lott and GWB! and male-cheerleading!
So I just mentally took off and there was a frantic slap-scratching fight, and sexual confidence and even testoserone had nothing to do with it.
And I was just over at SadlyNo lecturing everyone about sexual prejudices. Here’s the hair-brush; somebody spank me!
That is so not my department, Miss Em.
Scott, how could you‽ (I lurve my interrobang!) Is that any way to dissuade suicidal thoughts? My anti-depressants haven’t kicked in yet, and that mental image is so… wrong. Also, I… wait a sec…
[bbBBBbblllLaaAArrrRrFFFf!!!]
OOooooh. Ick. OK, Trenty isn’t the physically ugliest man in Congress, but when it comes to personality, yikes. He’s right up there. Still, if I had to blow him or Sensenbrenner (ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew!), Wisconsin would lose! But, I wouldn’t be happy about it, either way!
Gah!
Scott, how could you‽ (I lurve my interrobang!) Is that any way to dissuade suicidal thoughts? My anti-depressants haven’t kicked in yet, and that mental image is so… wrong. Also, I… wait a sec…
[bbBBBbblllLaaAArrrRrFFFf!!!]
OOooooh. Ick. OK, Trenty isn’t the physically ugliest man in Congress, but when it comes to personality, yikes. He’s right up there. Still, if I had to blow him or Sensenbrenner (ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew!), Wisconsin would lose! But, I wouldn’t be happy about it, either way!
Gah!
I shoulda known better than to read this after dinner. Well, I’m not a “Hungry Man” anymore.
Not to pile on, but I believe he needs to hyphenate “detail-oriented” as well
No, actually, because it’s not before a noun.
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